[User] Why me above all?

[Assistant] Believe with me, joe, i cant stand alone.


[User] What does that mean, me above all? Look at you, you're shaking.

[Assistant] Just last week, a man showed up in detroit, missing longer than larry, you read it yourself.


[User] I wonder if they can hear me talk or feel the vibrations in the sand when we move around.

[Assistant] What are you so excited about, this isn't a moon landing we're talking about, it's fish. It's fish nobody even eats.


[User] Well, then whats bugging you.

[Assistant] For heavens sake, this is not about fish.


[User] Well, see them this year.

[Assistant] God, I feel as though my entire life is going to be spent standing on the beach with my eyes wide open and my hands clasped expectantly waiting for the fish to show up.


[User] I thought you wanted to see it.

[Assistant] And the fish wont show up.


[User] Its just fish nothing to get traumatized over.

[Assistant] I did want to see it. I always do. I keep thinking that this time will be the time, but it never is.


[User] No.

[Assistant] Well, welcome to the human race. You think this is what I had in mind,


[User] You think that when I proposed I had this great fantasy going that four years down the line we'd be we'd come to the beach and yell at each other over fish,

[Assistant] I want something to turn out the way it's supposed to,


[User] Do you think I knew that there would be times when you'd look at me like i'm a used kleenex or times that i'd look at you and think holy hell when's the next flight to alaska,

[Assistant] This, what what is this? This isnt even anything.


[User] No, no im, just like you. I thought it was going to be all peaches and roses and sand in our hair and wind in our.

[Assistant] Oh, right, sure. This is standing on the beach. This is waiting. This is fighting.


[User] Sand in our toes and wind in our hair and the fish will always come and the bills will always pay themselves and ha ha ha baby the joke's on us. Cause you know what you get,

[Assistant] But this isn't anything like I thought anything would be like.


[User] You know what you get, carly this.

[Assistant] This is just this. I mean it includes a lot and everything, but it's just not you know something else. Do you have any idea what i'm trying to say,


[User] No, i know me, neither.

[Assistant] For heavens sake, whatever im doing id rather be doing it with you.


[User] Doing the best i can.

[Assistant] Well, dont be ridiculous. Dont, you know that youre the one who probably wishes you were with somebody else.


[User] I don't care, then.

[Assistant] It sent shivers up my spine.


[User] Things that ought to matter dreadfully dont matter at all when ones happy, do they?

[Assistant] It's true the whole business is a very poor joke.


[User] All the futile moralists who try to make life unbearable.

[Assistant] Oh, how long will it last, this ludicrous, overbearing love of ours?


[User] So is everyone else in the long run. Let's be superficial and pity the poor philosophers.

[Assistant] Oh, charles that was his name. Charles he did wriggle so beautifully.


[User] Let's blow trumpets and squeakers and enjoy the party as much as we can like small, quite idiotic little school children.

[Assistant] Yes, I know you did. You threw him out of the window into the Grand Canal. I don't think I'll ever forgive you for that.


[User] The one where you bought that little painted wooden snake and put it on my bed,

[Assistant] How ridiculous how utterly utterly ridiculous.


[User] Snap, snap, snap, like a little adder.

[Assistant] I don't care, okay, do you understand, I don't care, I don't mind if they bark and roll about like hoops.


[User] Ill do no such thing.

[Assistant] Listen, listen indeed, I'm sick and tired of listening to you, you damn sadistic bully.


[User] Turn it off.

[Assistant] Stop stop. I hate you. Do you hear youre conceited and overbearing and utterly impossible?


[User] You're a vile-tempered, loose-living, wicked little beast and I hope I never see you again as long as I live.

[Assistant] Oh, I am, let go of me,


[User] You're not going like this.

[Assistant] I hate you. It's a good thing that I found out in time what you're really like. Marry you again, never, never, never,


[User] But you're not.

[Assistant] I would rather die in torment beast, brute cad swine.


[User] Because its impossible, i just cant, i cant.

[Assistant] And what happens if at the end of that year they ask you to stay longer, are you just gonna agree, are you just gonna absent-mindedly, brainwashedly do whatever it is they tell you to do,


[User] I am, i mean, i dont know. I dont know what else to tell. You know, i mean, i can tell you, i dont know what else to do. I mean, ive been forced into this situation.

[Assistant] Difficult, you're leaving for a year. We have a newborn child and you're leaving. I don't think i'm being difficult.


[User] So well, i just i kind of wanted to, you know, tell you that im, actually, i i proposed to kate and and were going to get married.

[Assistant] Wait, what, yeah.


[User] Yeah, yeah, i proposed to her yesterday were getting were were engaged now and were going to were going to get married in about eight months.

[Assistant] Oh, my god, congratulations.


[User] Yeah, its pretty amazing. Huh?

[Assistant] I can't, how did you do it, what happened,


[User] Well, i i decided to take her sailing.

[Assistant] Well, you paint a romantic picture.


[User] Well, i didnt want it to be like cheesy, you know.

[Assistant] My god, how long have you been planning on doing this,


[User] She didnt cry, but she was she was laughing a lot, and it was very exciting. So.

[Assistant] I cant believe this youre getting married youre going to have a wife, its crazy.


[User] I cant believe this youre getting married youre gonna have a wife. I know, i know, i know its weird, because its like the beginning of the rest of my life, you know.

[Assistant] Yeah, i would love to thanks.


[User] No, no, no, no, itll be itll be in like a park near the beach.

[Assistant] Big and shiny youre such a guy.


[User] Yeah yeah.

[Assistant] She is going to let you have say in the wedding choices, its pretty impressive very forward thinking woman.


[User] But if i could just speak directly, if i could just speak directly to your to your superior person.

[Assistant] We'll just throw that in gratuitously.


[User] Alright, so youre not going to believe this, but i went home today. I looked in the mail, and i got an acceptance letter from u. S. C.

[Assistant] What, no way, yeah


[User] I did i did. Yeah. I applied usc. I mean, its really expensive, but.

[Assistant] No, you applied to u c.


[User] Its a really good school. So.

[Assistant] Thats amazing. I seen it on t v. Wow. I mean, what are you going to major in? What are you going to do?


[User] So.

[Assistant] Sure. Give or take.


[User] Because you know, its like you get to know a lot of people in the dorms and.

[Assistant] But congrats on the u. S, c thing.


[User] No, im just messing with you. I mean, im not going to, you know, i mean, im not even really a football fan anyway. So or.

[Assistant] Wow, you are a winner and a half.


[User] Ma'am, i understand that.

[Assistant] But at the same time, I have been through an hour of little robot voices telling me what I needed to do,


[User] Maam, i i understand that i understand that what i can do for you right now is what im telling you is that i can do. I can give you a hundred dollars back and then youll have to fill out a complaint form and then youll get there will be some investigation. Some men will show up at your house and go through your things.

[Assistant] And I did everything they said, and now i'm talking to you, and you are supposed to put the money back on my account, because I didn't make the calls, and i'm really tired of dealing with this, because I didn't even,


[User] All right, take care.

[Assistant] Call up the sprint call center and you know, cool. Wow, all right, well, thanks. And you have a good one. 你讲吧，我听。


[User] You felt something that far back.

[Assistant] Ill never forgive you. Why did you wait all these years? All ive done is sit around and wonder if i was crazy for thinking of you.


[User] Are you kidding? We miss it? We just got here. Whats the point of coming down here. If we just turn around and go home.

[Assistant] Pass up what, these little fish swim onto the beach, flop around and then they swim away and then they die.


[User] What is bugging you?

[Assistant] God damn it, auggie, don't ask me that I hate it when you ask me that you always ask me that it's insulting and


[User] We will see them this year.

[Assistant] No, we won't. It's pointless. It's like waiting up to see Santa Claus. I feel as though my entire life is going to be spent standing on the beach with my eyes wide open and my hands clasped expectantly waiting for the fish to show up. And the fish won't show up.


[User] No, of course, not.

[Assistant] I did want to see it. I always do. I keep thinking this time will be the time, but it never is.


[User] Its just fish nothing to get traumatized over.

[Assistant] For heaven's sake, this is not about fish,


[User] A vacation,

[Assistant] This what, what is this, this isn't even anything. Yes,


[User] A new carpet, a poodle, an ice cream, a back rub, a suicide pact. What what carla? What the hell do you want?

[Assistant] Oh, right, sure, this is standing on the beach, this is waiting, this is fighting,


[User] Well welcome to the human race. You think this is what I had in mind you think that when I proposed I had this great fantasy going that four years down the line we'd come to the beach and yell at each other over fish no.

[Assistant] But this isnt anything like i thought anything would be like.


[User] No, i'm just like you I thought it was going to be all peaches and roses and wind in our hair and sand in our toes and the fish will always come and the bills will always pay themselves,

[Assistant] This is just this, I mean it includes a lot and everything, but it's just not, you know, something else. Do you have any idea what I'm trying to say,


[User] And we'll have three fat, rosy kids and ha ha ha, baby, the joke's on us, cause you know what you get, carla, you know what you get, this.

[Assistant] I know you are auggie really I do I know you meant for this to be special and nice and and it's the full moon and the sand and everything but I just couldn't help thinking about being somewhere else


[User] Hello hello what wrong number

[Assistant] It sends shivers up my spine.


[User] Certainly, you must were figures of fun, all right.

[Assistant] How long will it last, this ludicrous and overbearing love of ours?


[User] Do you remember that awful scene we had in venice?

[Assistant] Oh, Charles, that was his name, Charles. Oh, he did wriggle so beautifully.


[User] The one when you bought that little painted wooden snake and put it on my bed.

[Assistant] I know you did you threw it out of the window into the grand canal. I dont think ill ever forgive you for that.


[User] How that was a rouser wasnt it.

[Assistant] How ridiculous!How utterly utterly ridiculous,


[User] I didnt hit you very hard.

[Assistant] The manager came in and found us rolling about on the floor, biting and scratching like panthers. Oh dear.


[User] I shall never forget his face.

[Assistant] How ridiculous, how utterly, utterly ridiculous.


[User] This is no time of year for toniesa.

[Assistant] Listen, indeed, i am sick and tired of listening to you. You damn sadistic bully.


[User] Turn it off, it's driving me mad.

[Assistant] Stop. I hate you. Do you hear me, you're conceited and overbearing and utterly impossible.


[User] You're a vile, temper'd, loose living, stop,

[Assistant] Let go of me, you're a cruel fiend and I hate and loathe you, thank god i've discovered in time what you're really like,


[User] You're not going like this.

[Assistant] Never, never, never, i'd rather die in torment, beast, brute,


[User] Swine,

[Assistant] Shut up, shut up, You're a mean, evil-minded. And I hope to god I never set eyes on you as long as I live, Four,


[User] Dont ask me to have somebody else come over here and move you myself. I cant come back over there, ill get security if you need me to.

[Assistant] No, they did the lady over there, told me to stand in this line, and ive been here for an hour.


[User] Of course, she likes you. Of course, she likes you.

[Assistant] Your your mom, you want me to move in with your mom.


[User] She likes you, she likes the kids.

[Assistant] We can try it. Maybe dont beg me. I mean, if there were anything that i could do, i would do it believe me. This is not what i want.


[User] Apparently nobody else can go.

[Assistant] Ill tell him, im sick and that you cant leave something.


[User] Just a couple of days ago.

[Assistant] No way, when when when when when did it happen.


[User] Sorry.

[Assistant] Thirty nine, yeah, i cant believe it. So you broke our pact, thanks a lot.


[User] What a guy i cant believe it. So okay. So do you know any details when is it going to be anything?

[Assistant] Yeah yeah, of course.


[User] You know, i would never let that happen. I wouldnt let that happen.

[Assistant] No, no, really, if i cant pay to live somewhere, im gonna end up living in my car.


[User] Makes up.

[Assistant] No, I don't think I am, I like have a whole bunch of stuff that means a lot to me and I brought it, you know, from africa, it's not like I can just go back and get it whenever I want.


[User] Oh, okay, youre right, youre right, youre right, right. Well, maybe we should get a place together.

[Assistant] Whoa, what an idea where would you want to live?


[User] So should we get a place near campus or.

[Assistant] Sure, why not? I dont know why not im not doing anything. I have no plans. I could live anywhere. I want.


[User] Lived at the u, s, c campus by myself, not going to school there, just really pathetic and sad. Yeah.

[Assistant] By yourself.


[User] Yeah, i i understand.

[Assistant] This is ridiculous. I seriously I don't understand why you think that these automated systems are supposed to like work for anybody. They never have ever worked for me.


[User] Tell them that this is ridiculous, maybe we can change it from now on, or is there a phone number that you have

[Assistant] Can you like talk to somebody about this, can like you tell them that this is ridiculous, maybe they can change it from now on, or can they, is there a phone number that you have that I can call that will like automatically be talking to somebody, human being,


[User] Must you be inspired, yes,

[Assistant] Yes, I like it an hour a day. If I have to grub for money all day long, I like to come home to something beautiful. I want a family. I want kids. I want to build something that I can give myself to. And Annie is in the center of that. Now, where do I find it?


[User] Calm yourself.

[Assistant] Believe with me, joe, i cant stand alone.


[User] Not like that youre. Not.

[Assistant] God, i kissed annie. I can believe i kissed annie. How long i wanted to do this?


[User] I just, I want something to turn out the way it's supposed to turn out.

[Assistant] A vacation a new carpet a poodle a back rub ice cream a suicide pact what what carla what the hell do you want,


[User] A vacation a new carpet a poodle a back rub ice cream a suicide pact what what carla what the hell do you want,

[Assistant] This, what what is this? This isnt even anything.


[User] This, what what is this? This isnt even anything.

[Assistant] Well, welcome to the human race.


[User] Sure, this is standing, this is waiting, this is fighting.

[Assistant] You think this is what I had in mind, you think that when I proposed I had this great fantasy going that four years down the road we'd end up on a beach arguing over fish, you think that I knew that there would be times when you would look at me like I was used kleenex or that I would look at you and think holy hell when's the next flight to alaska,


[User] But this isnt anything like i thought it would be.

[Assistant] No, no, I was just like you. I thought it would be all peaches and roses and and sand in our toes and wind in our hair and the fish would always come and the bills would always magically pay themselves and we'd have three fat, rosy kids and well, ha ha, baby, the joke's on us.


[User] Oh, thank you, dear. And the same goes for you, except that if i so much as see you looking at another woman ill kill you.

[Assistant] I don't mind what you do, see? You can paint your body green all over and dance naked through the palace of Benin and run off with every man in the world, and I shan't say a word as long as I know that you love me best.


[User] The one where you bought that little painted wooden snake and put it on my bed.

[Assistant] I know, you threw him out the window into the canal. I don't think i'll ever forgive you for that.


[User] I didnt hit you very hard.

[Assistant] Oh, how ridiculous.


[User] There arent any people upstairs, its a photographers studio.

[Assistant] Oh, this is very interesting. We might get a splendid debate going about this. Intemperate tots.


[User] Turn it off.

[Assistant] Ah marry you again, I must have been insane, what was I thinking, I mean you're completely outrageous,


[User] Amanda, listen. Listen.

[Assistant] Beast, brute, cad, whore,


[User] Beast, brute, cad, whore,

[Assistant] Very amusing and amusing indeed. You are a vile-tempered, loose-living, wicked little beast and I never want to set eyes on you again, Shut up, shut up, i wouldnt marry you again. If you came crawling to me on bended knee, youre, a mean evil minded little vampire, and i hope to god, i never set eyes on you again.


[User] Like theres no way i can make an exception.

[Assistant] I'm not leaving this line until I get my new i d. That's as simple as it is. I'm not leaving this line until I get my new i d.


[User] Sir, you're gonna have to go stand in the other line.

[Assistant] I filled out the wrong form because they made me fill out the wrong form.


[User] I know, but ill ill send them pictures all the time and ill write them emails, and you read in my emails that i send them.

[Assistant] No, i know i know i know youre good at what youre good at what you do, but im theres just so much chance involved.


[User] Im going to be in baghdad, just doing security.

[Assistant] I mean, i i know that youre a good soldier, but not everybody else is. And what if.


[User] Yeah, its going to be everything. I want to be in the front ill, be its not going to be safe.

[Assistant] I am going to miss you so much.


[User] I did it. I asked her to marry me.

[Assistant] What you did.


[User] What you did.

[Assistant] Yes, I did it.


[User] You know, we did some, you know, rock climbing up the up the waterfalls and went up to this little pool that was up there. And then its great. You have to climb this little rock.

[Assistant] Oh, my god, thats so dramatic.


[User] I got it. I got accepted to u. S. C.

[Assistant] Oh, for real,


[User] Oh, for real,

[Assistant] Yes, i just found out today. I just got the letter.


[User] Yes, i just found out today. I just got the letter.

[Assistant] Thats awesome.


[User] Well, how are you going to prove it? Can you prove it?

[Assistant] For god sake, three years, nobody comes back after three years, thats insane.


[User] I just want things to turn out the way they're supposed to.

[Assistant] Welcome to the human race. Do you think this is what I had planned, do you think that when I proposed I had this great fantasy going that four years down the road we'd end up arguing on a beach over some fish,


[User] This, what is this? This isnt even anything.

[Assistant] You think that I thought that there would be times when you would look at me like I was used kleenex or I would look at you and think, good god, when's the next flight to Alaska? No, no, I'm just like you. I thought it would all be peaches and roses and sand in our toes and wind in our hair and the fish would always come and the bills would magically pay themselves and we'd have three fat, rosy kids. Well, ha ha, baby, the joke's on us.


[User] Aha charles that was his name. He did wriggle so beautifully.

[Assistant] I don't care what you do, see? You could paint your body bright green and run naked through the Palace of Indum and run off with every man in the world, and I shan't say a word as long as I know that you love me best."


[User] It burnt my comb and all the towels in the bathroom.

[Assistant] Horrible thing. I hated it. I know,


[User] I shall do no such thing.

[Assistant] Go away, go away, I I hate you.


[User] So turn it off,

[Assistant] Stop. Would you just go away? I mean, youre conceited and overbearing and utterly impossible.


[User] "Very amusing, indeed!"

[Assistant] This is the end. Do you understand me? This is the end.


[User] Ha, very funny.

[Assistant] Yes, I am, let go of me,


[User] Yes, I am, let go of me,

[Assistant] You are a vile tempered, wicked living, evil little beast, and I hope I never set eyes on you ever again.


[User] You are a vile tempered, wicked living, evil little beast, and I hope I never set eyes on you ever again.

[Assistant] You're a cruel fiend and I I loathe you. I thank god I realized who you are before I decided to marry you again. Oh my god, never,


[User] Brute,

[Assistant] Um married you again, I wouldn't marry you if you came crawling to me on bended knees,


[User] Pig,

[Assistant] You're a wicked little vampire and I pray to god I never set eyes on you as long as I live.


[User] Yeah well and then yeah garbage file. Um no, because like when you walking outside and its like you're walking the humidity, it its almost like like you're walking and especially the the amount of garbage that they keep out on the streets, like depending on like where you are, like in toronto, too. Um like its just like you're in garbage, you're walking through it. So.

[Assistant] Oh, no, the smell must have been atrocious oy vey are you like um so in the what I know about like toronto is that there's a lot of like wilderness kind of like outside of it right like woods and like forested areas and lakes and stuff like that did you ever find yourself like out and about in the woods and like exploring nature and all that stuff, I love nature so yeah


[User] The face of an F.

[Assistant] No, that's not what i'm saying. That's not what i'm saying I guess because you look at me and there's like water dripping down my shirt and you know I kind of have a mullet going on right now with like chipped paint nails you know, it's it's a problem


[User] M did you ever do dance,

[Assistant] I I i'm basically a glorified um crab when I dance so I can't dance I I did do when I was in kindergarten I did six months of ballet and then I stopped because that was not masculine so you know how it is it's yeah it's so masculine but it is what it is and then from there I just did a lot of sports what about you, did you do a bunch of dance,


[User] Yeah especially when you're, like, perfect chest height for all the other guys you know, like, they're all, like, six foot four, six foot five, and i'm over here, like, five foot eight, like all right, time to get, you know, hit hit upside the head um but I I got a lot of concussions from that. I got I got, I think, four of mine from lacrosse, one from football and then three from extraneous one from a car accident and then one from math class.

[Assistant] What hold on math class was the equation too hard, what and what happened,


[User] The moma, the moma, i think museum of modern art.

[Assistant] Yeah, i didnt. Yeah, i didnt get to go to it, but i wanted to.


[User] Yeah, oh, my gosh, you would love it there and theres tons of theater to see tons of theater and its not expensive. So theres tons to see there improv comedy sketch, if you want to go and see a musical, or if you want to go see the british equivalent of a broadway play, you can go and do that too. And they have inexpensive cheaper seats as well. So yeah, and food is its not overly expensive at all.

[Assistant] Holy cow, that's a lot of things to do, but like i'm very excited about it. Maybe I will go maybe I will go. Is it is it cold there, is it like gloomy, that's all that's what whenever I see london on tv, it's always overcast and everybody kind of has like a a dour look on their face even the queen.


[User] I heard that there might be are they called sequoia trees?

[Assistant] And so sequoia there's actually another park right next to yosemite called sequoia um and you know it doesn't mean those two are like mutually exclusive it's not like you know god or whatever decided that ah here is the boundary between yosemite and sequoia no sequoia trees past this line no if only right that would make it so much easier there's no like what is it the thirty fifth parallel or whatever um but basically the sequoia trees how much do you know about them, do you know like you've heard of them do you


[User] I do know where brazil is it is in south america and the capital of brazil is rio de janeiro, I think. Hey, do you know where tel aviv is,

[Assistant] I do know where Tel Aviv is. It is the capital of Israel. And you can go to the temples there and see the temples of Israel. Hey, do you know where New York City is?


[User] You need to divide the wires in half and only cut four wires.

[Assistant] Is eight divided by two four,


[User] Great food truck. It's all it's all it's all got a airplane food theme. You'll love it.

[Assistant] Oh my god, I love that, thank you so much. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.


[User] Babe, um did you get the turkey out so that we could defrost it yeah

[Assistant] When's thanksgiving, is thank is it ah is thanksgiving tomorrow oh, shoot, what time does the store close, we need to go get that


[User] When's thanksgiving, is thank is it ah is thanksgiving tomorrow oh, shoot, what time does the store close, we need to go get that

[Assistant] My god, the store the store is going to close in twenty minutes. We have to get over there I don't know oh, my gosh.


[User] Fifteen minutes, woof. Alright, well hopefully the person in there is okay. Where are you going to?

[Assistant] I mean it's it's just going to take a while, but i'm actually making a connecting flight yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, i'm connecting from seattle and i'm going to go over to chicago.


[User] Ah fantastic, we love that.

[Assistant] Yeah, here you go. And, um, just so you know, um, when they do hire, they do work remote for the most part. So, like, this is just a rare thing because I'm going up there for a conference. Um, the conference is going to be about, like, um, three days of conferencing. And so we're doing, like, a sales floor conference and stuff. And actually, since we're doing that, they're probably going to be looking at the graphic designers that are already there. So I'm going to let them know ahead of time that you're the person that we should be talking to first.


[User] Yeah, its called back door johnny.

[Assistant] Back to our johnnies, I haven't heard that name in a long time.


[User] Alright but I mean that's not even like, i'm not even a fan of like the deep dish so much because the chicago style from what I understood isn't even supposed to be like a deep dish. It's supposed to be more equatable to the detroit style.

[Assistant] Oh, really, is that it i had no idea. I lived there, and i had not a single clue.


[User] Yes, because the whole point is that you have to give conflict there. You have to have this strain, this pull, because there's something wrong with you. At the end of the, at the end of the day, you, it's not Blanche that's the issue, it's you that's the issue. Blanche is a struggling, a weak character. And you're this very dominant, domineering, strong man. So you have to stand in that strength. So all of the core work that you've been doing and all of the physical work that you've been doing and everything that you've been doing for your body, you have to make sure that you bring that to the stage. Understood? So can you recall that to me?

[Assistant] Yeah okay, so ah i'm gonna be gaslighting her. I I recalled the first part, so the second part is i'm gonna be gaslighting her um because I can't just only antagonize her. I also have to make her ah feel um at safe safe at times and then confuse her and then gaslight her. That's the whole point of gaslighting.


[User] Here's the thing. I I really got to get going because i'm going to be on a five day convention. So i've got to get going. I have to go from wisconsin, then i've got to go to iowa, then i'm going to be going down to utah, then i'm going to be going down to arizona, then back over here.

[Assistant] Ah cross-country road trip, all right, are you going to be driving there, are you going to be flying, oh, no, you need ah yeah the passport, the passport, obviously the passport ok, so um you got that stuff, you got that stuff ah the passport, where did you leave it last, do you remember,


[User] I think I found it.

[Assistant] You got it, oh, oh, oh, great. Oh, yeah, that's my passport. Oh,


[User] It's a party to celebrate me and the house by myself for a little bit.

[Assistant] Five days that you want to celebrate yourself that's so cute.


[User] Yeah, i know i know its got to be so good.

[Assistant] I've no I can't believe ten years of friendship, and this is what I got to deal with when I leave.


[User] It was the fifteen minute alarm.

[Assistant] Okay, we we got to go. We got to go. We have three holes left they're going to look at those faces. Look at the faces of those guys they are going to


[User] Okay, we we got to go. We got to go. We have three holes left they're going to look at those faces. Look at the faces of those guys they are going to

[Assistant] And i'm not that quick I keep hitting it off of the windmill


[User] Ah you ready, all right, so you're going to want to aim up here. You got to you got to so you know how there's three holes here, you're going to want to put it in the middle hole because that's where the windmill goes. You know, wait until the windmill act the blade itself actually goes over the hole itself um because that's going to give you the most amount of time um and like that. See,

[Assistant] Wow, a hole in one, that's so amazing. Okay, let me give this one more try. And timing, windmill, windmill, windmill, go. Okay, I did, oh, oh, it went through, it went through. Oh, okay.


[User] Very easy, very easy good job fantastic job oh, gosh, five minutes left. Ok, we got to go, we got to go, we got to go.

[Assistant] We have two, we have two holes left and one's the dinosaur hole.


[User] Oh, the dinosaur hole. You got to get it in the mouth of the crocodile. That's how it works. That's how it works.

[Assistant] Ah the crocodile and the dinosaur. It's crazy.


[User] Yeah it it bounces into the mouth of the crocodile, goes through the body of the crocodile and then up the neck of the croc up up the neck of the the bronchiosaurus, brontosaurus ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok,

[Assistant] Okay, three, two, one. Oh, oh, oh, look, it's going. Oh, it bounced off the paranosaurus.


[User] Okay, three, two, one. Oh, oh, oh, look, it's going. Oh, it bounced off the paranosaurus.

[Assistant] You didn't, you didn't, oh my god, a hole, a hole in one, are you kidding me, no, this hurts my, this hurts my ego as a man because I did not get it in first.


[User] To grandma's yeah

[Assistant] So what we've got to do is go so you're going to shoot it. You're going to show me how you do it. But I know that I am supposed to understand this the the whole piping goes all the way up through the chair, comes out of the grandmother's mouth, lands in her lap. Then she knits around it and then it drops it into the hole. Is that right, and then it goes away. The ball goes away, ok.


[User] So what we've got to do is go so you're going to shoot it. You're going to show me how you do it. But I know that I am supposed to understand this the the whole piping goes all the way up through the chair, comes out of the grandmother's mouth, lands in her lap. Then she knits around it and then it drops it into the hole. Is that right, and then it goes away. The ball goes away, ok.

[Assistant] Exactly. Exactly. You got that exactly right. You know what, since you know it so well, why don't you go first,


[User] Okay, i'm going to try it this time. Let's see if I can have beginners luck twice three, two, one sorry, I can't get

[Assistant] Ah shoot. Ok, i'll go first. You ready, three, two, one. Ah, this hole's freaking hard. One minute we got to go. I'm grabbing my ball. I'm just shoving it in the grandma's mouth. And


[User] Ah shoot. Ok, i'll go first. You ready, three, two, one. Ah, this hole's freaking hard. One minute we got to go. I'm grabbing my ball. I'm just shoving it in the grandma's mouth. And

[Assistant] I'm going to try one more time. Here we go. Three, two, one oh, I did it. I did it. I did it you owe me a pop this time.


[User] Katsuya and pop. Katsuya and pop.

[Assistant] You know, katsuya and pop. Did you win, I think you won. You know what, I have learned from the effects of society and I now know that toxic masculinity is a bad thing, therefore I will congratulate you on your win and I will buy you dinner later.


[User] Actually, do you want to try this out, i'll apply pressure, you reach in with the the dinosaur grabber.

[Assistant] Okay ready that's cute.


[User] Okay ready that's cute.

[Assistant] Isn't that cute, all right, i'm playing pressure. Did you get it already you're better at this than you thought.


[User] Yeah I kid. Yeah, we do we do got to worry about shrapnel.

[Assistant] Oh, you're so funny, you got me,


[User] I'm using all of my force, it keeps spurting out in my face.

[Assistant] The blood can't coagulate if you don't apply more pressure.


[User] The blood can't coagulate if you don't apply more pressure.

[Assistant] I'm spreading it in my face, it's through my fingers, what do you expect me to do, oh my god, did you use the wrong size you must have used the wrong size dinosaur slippers clippers grabbers um ok, ah grab me a band-aid.


[User] Okay, here's, uh, gauze, i've got stitches, i've got um i've got sutures, i've got um staples. Wait, it's a staple gun, the staple gun, no, no, it's round. We can't use a staple gun yet. We have to make sure that everything is a good.

[Assistant] God, he's waking up right now. I i'll take that stuff. You get the yeah you get the put a pillow over his face.


[User] Anesthesia, okay, got it.

[Assistant] Oh, that too. That works um ok, ok and


[User] Sorry, I swallowed my tongue. What's up,

[Assistant] And are you okay,


[User] They're supposed to be at the top. I thought they were supposed to be like a layered cake. Yeah,

[Assistant] Are we supposed to be at the top, oh, jeez, I didn't know, I didn't know. Where's, where's Jonathan? He's the guy who designed this thing.


[User] Ok ready three two one

[Assistant] Oh gosh. Okay, okay, okay and put it down, put it down. Three, two, one. Okay, kiff,


[User] Last one three two one.

[Assistant] I'm just going to be careful with this one, it's very dangerous.


[User] Yeah that's kind of impressive. I got like three and i'm dying over here.

[Assistant] Um yeah, i'm sorry about that. I wasn't trying to overwhelm you with any of this. Okay, so I put them on top of the.


[User] No, it's just it's it's making me look at you in awe and wonder.

[Assistant] Oh oh, make sure the red with the red black with the black red with the red black with the black. Okay?


[User] Johnnies on top, johnnies on top, I put a few johnnies on top for you, okay, and then we're all good.

[Assistant] Johnny's, we don't have time. I throw the bomb, I throw, I'm, okay, I, step back.


[User] Yeah, I don't know how to get across the street. Can you tell me how I'm going to get over there?

[Assistant] Oh, you want to get across the street,


[User] I need to get across.

[Assistant] Across the street. You can't get over here oh, okay, so first things first. You wanna look behind you, you see behind you there's a roller-skate store right, you're gonna go in there, you're gonna buy yourself a pair of roller-skates. That'll give you some extra speed that you need. I hope you remember your lessons from fifth grade okay,


[User] Me too, ha-ha!

[Assistant] And then once you do that, lace them all the way up. We're not gonna go halfway up. We're gonna go all the way up to the lace, top lace. Make sure it's tightened around your shin and then you're gonna want to chicken run. You're gonna want to do the what is it when the um the toad hops across the cars and then doesn't want to get froggered. You're gonna want to frogger your way through the streets of new york. We're right now on broadway so it's never gonna let up. It's gonna be a nightmare regardless of whatever you do so you're just gonna have to suck it up get some roller skates on and go.


[User] If I'm going to Central Park, what way am I going? Left or right?

[Assistant] Um get on this side of the street and you're going to take a right, make sure you're heading towards the sunset, okay, you want to make sure you're heading towards the sunset.


[User] I need the exercise.

[Assistant] Oh, that's fair. You know what? It is cardio day. You're reminding me too. How about this? I'll come over there. You come. No, you come over here and then we'll go to central park together. Yeah, you have a cool vibe.


[User] Yes, can yes, sir, can I help you, how can I help you,

[Assistant] Yeah, I need I need to get across the road. Can you help me out here,


[User] Yeah, I need I need to get across the road. Can you help me out here,

[Assistant] Oh, of course I can,


[User] Oh, of course I can,

[Assistant] Yeah, cool. What do i do?


[User] Okay, so look to your left.

[Assistant] Looking to my left,


[User] Okay. Do you see a manhole?

[Assistant] My left or your your left.


[User] That way. That's right.

[Assistant] That way. Gotcha. Okay, i'm looking to my right.


[User] Do you see the manhole cover next to you?

[Assistant] Whats a manhole.


[User] It's where they have a sewer.

[Assistant] That kind of manhole, okay.


[User] Trust me, you're gonna stand on top of it even though it's not safe.

[Assistant] Why isn't it safe,


[User] Because you could fall through it at any point.

[Assistant] You know what, I love a little bit of danger, I trust you.


[User] Great once you're there ok, awesome, I see that I need you to look directly up into the sky

[Assistant] I'm still looking to my right.


[User] What shape does it look like to you, because to me it looks like a dragon.

[Assistant] Um it kind of looks like a duck to me, not necessarily a dragon, though I guess if I turn my head around like that, it could look like a dragon, but upside down, no, it's a duck.


[User] Um it kind of looks like a duck to me, not necessarily a dragon, though I guess if I turn my head around like that, it could look like a dragon, but upside down, no, it's a duck.

[Assistant] You sure, because if it doesn't look like a dragon, I don't know if we can keep going with this.


[User] You sure, because if it doesn't look like a dragon, I don't know if we can keep going with this.

[Assistant] Wait, wait, wait, I'm trying to get across the street!


[User] Oh yeah, so once you finish looking at the cloud, it looks like a dragon, right,

[Assistant] If I turn my head in just the right way, I guess I could see that it kind of sort of looks like a dragon.


[User] Awesome do you see the construction being done across the street where i'm right now,

[Assistant] Yeah, the construction on my side of the street, on top of the selmas,


[User] Do you see the crane? Yeah, do you see the crane?

[Assistant] Yeah, i see a crane.


[User] Ah crane is going to swing down you're going to jump as high as you can.

[Assistant] As high as I can,


[User] As high as I can,

[Assistant] High like the sky can,


[User] High like the sky can,

[Assistant] Like a bird, fly high,


[User] Okay, the white line.

[Assistant] When you're there, you're going to wait until there's one car.


[User] One car. Okay,

[Assistant] He is on his way to go get his pregnant wife and take her to the hospital but we don't care about that we want.


[User] He is on his way to go get his pregnant wife and take her to the hospital but we don't care about that we want.

[Assistant] I need to get across this street I value myself that's what my therapist has been telling me.


[User] Number one, you're number one,

[Assistant] I need to stop letting pregnant women walk all over me.


[User] I need to stop letting pregnant women walk all over me.

[Assistant] Exactly they're out right now you're in


[User] Florencea!Florencea bagencia madencia where are you,

[Assistant] Ryan beguin, i'm right here.


[User] Ryan beguin, i'm right here.

[Assistant] Ah hi, florencia, oh, it's been, what, how many years since we've seen each other, now that the covid pandemic is over,


[User] Two years, it feels like it's been five.

[Assistant] I know, but i'm here and I missed you and i'm so excited to see the rose bowl with you, finally,


[User] I know, but i'm here and I missed you and i'm so excited to see the rose bowl with you, finally,

[Assistant] I know, i'm excited to come here, come for a hug, come on,


[User] I know, i'm excited to come here, come for a hug, come on,

[Assistant] Okay, okay, im making my way over.


[User] Okay, okay, im making my way over.

[Assistant] Um right, well, okay, it's, there's a lot of people in front of us, so it's kind of, I'll, air hug? Air hug works, okay.


[User] Um right, well, okay, it's, there's a lot of people in front of us, so it's kind of, I'll, air hug? Air hug works, okay.

[Assistant] Ready, three, two, one air hug,


[User] Ready, three, two, one air hug,

[Assistant] Yeah air hug joe, do you see that snoopy float,


[User] Yeah air hug joe, do you see that snoopy float,

[Assistant] I love snoopy, do you remember the snoopy doll you had,


[User] I love snoopy, do you remember the snoopy doll you had,

[Assistant] I do remember the snoopy doll that I had. I called him peanut.


[User] I do remember the snoopy doll that I had. I called him peanut.

[Assistant] Yeah and he was so dirty but you loved him


[User] Yeah and he was so dirty but you loved him

[Assistant] Yeah he was kind of smelly. I liked to drag him through the mud. You know he was my war hero, my toy soldier, my rotten man.


[User] Yeah he was kind of smelly. I liked to drag him through the mud. You know he was my war hero, my toy soldier, my rotten man.

[Assistant] He was your toy soldier. Remember when you took my woodstock?


[User] He was your toy soldier. Remember when you took my woodstock?

[Assistant] I did take your woodstock. I never gave it back, though.


[User] I did take your woodstock. I never gave it back, though.

[Assistant] No, I can't find it.


[User] No, I can't find it.

[Assistant] It's mine hey do you see the ah shaquille o'neal float right there,


[User] It's mine hey do you see the ah shaquille o'neal float right there,

[Assistant] Wow!How did


[User] Wow!How did

[Assistant] That shaquille o'neal speaking out of shaquille's head,


[User] That shaquille o'neal speaking out of shaquille's head,

[Assistant] Oh my god, that's amazing,


[User] Oh, my goodness.

[Assistant] Look, they used chrysanthemums to make sure that all of the flowers are arranged like a basketball.


[User] Look, they used chrysanthemums to make sure that all of the flowers are arranged like a basketball.

[Assistant] That's crazy, I didn't even know they came up with orange chrysanthemums. Scientists these days, holy cow.


[User] Me neither!Oh.

[Assistant] What was the name of the guy who hosts the, the thing? He has those colorful crazy glasses every year.


[User] Al roker.

[Assistant] I think he's standing right next to you.


[User] What, ow,

[Assistant] Hey, Al, I don't think he can hear us.


[User] Hey, Al, I don't think he can hear us.

[Assistant] Al, my brother loves you,


[User] Al, my brother loves you,

[Assistant] I don't know you're not supposed to say that.


[User] I'm going to be so nervous in front of al roker and his crazy glasses. Oh, my goodness, is that a big stay-puft marshmallow man,

[Assistant] I love stay-puff oh my god, remember mom used to buy that for us all the time,


[User] I love stay-puff oh my god, remember mom used to buy that for us all the time,

[Assistant] Yeah, I do remember mom used to buy that for us all the time.


[User] Yeah, I do remember mom used to buy that for us all the time.

[Assistant] I ate it right out of the jar,


[User] I ate it right out of the jar,

[Assistant] That must have been why I never had stay-puft marshmallows as a kid, because you were eating all of them before I could even reach it.


[User] That must have been why I never had stay-puft marshmallows as a kid, because you were eating all of them before I could even reach it.

[Assistant] Also why I had to go to a dietitian.


[User] Also why I had to go to a dietitian.

[Assistant] Ah speaking of a dietitian, do you see that giant stethoscope made out of poppies,


[User] Ah speaking of a dietitian, do you see that giant stethoscope made out of poppies,

[Assistant] Oh my gosh, I can't believe they used poppies. How did they make them white?


[User] Oh my gosh, I can't believe they used poppies. How did they make them white?

[Assistant] I don't know, I'm not a scientist.


[User] I don't know, I'm not a scientist.

[Assistant] I wish you were a flower scientist!"


[User] I wish you were a flower scientist!"

[Assistant] I wish I was too. What do you think they call the scientists that, ah, you know, breed flowers,


[User] Botanists,

[Assistant] Oh yeah, that's it,


[User] Oh yeah, that's it,

[Assistant] I think it's a botnet.


[User] I think it's a botnet.

[Assistant] A botanist ah hey do you see speaking of botanists do you see the ro-botanist, the robot over there that is looks kind of like um like ah ah bender from futurama,


[User] A botanist ah hey do you see speaking of botanists do you see the ro-botanist, the robot over there that is looks kind of like um like ah ah bender from futurama,

[Assistant] I love it oh I forgot that


[User] I love it oh I forgot that

[Assistant] His cigar even lights up.


[User] His cigar even lights up.

[Assistant] Um that's dangerous on this flower float.


[User] Um that's dangerous on this flower float.

[Assistant] You know that breaking boundaries with this parade.


[User] But i'm not sorry.

[Assistant] Don't be sorry for your puns, they're my favorite.


[User] Don't be sorry for your puns, they're my favorite.

[Assistant] You want to hear a joke,


[User] Get it, cause he walked into a bar,

[Assistant] Um my gosh, you're too good for me I don't know how to deal with you.


[User] Um my gosh, you're too good for me I don't know how to deal with you.

[Assistant] Um another one, I have another one. What's what's brown and sticky,


[User] Oh my god get out of here.

[Assistant] Ah hey, wait, wait, before I go, look at that, look at that, is that an entire knott's berry farm advertisement made out of flowers floating across the street,


[User] Ah hey, wait, wait, before I go, look at that, look at that, is that an entire knott's berry farm advertisement made out of flowers floating across the street,

[Assistant] Wait they also have a bunch of baby strawberries hanging off of it.


[User] Wait they also have a bunch of baby strawberries hanging off of it.

[Assistant] I'm going to run up and grab one.


[User] I'm going to run up and grab one.

[Assistant] Grab a bunch for me, too. It's like field day over there.


[User] Grab a bunch for me, too. It's like field day over there.

[Assistant] Um ah distract them while I do that, okay, i'm gonna need the best cover I can, you gotta be loud.


[User] Um ah distract them while I do that, okay, i'm gonna need the best cover I can, you gotta be loud.

[Assistant] Um hey, I wanted to let you know that i've always been a big fan of your your your place and I really would love to go on all of your rides. Hey,


[User] Um hey, I wanted to let you know that i've always been a big fan of your your your place and I really would love to go on all of your rides. Hey,

[Assistant] I got em, I got em, I got as many as I could,


[User] I got em, I got em, I got as many as I could,

[Assistant] I'm so glad,


[User] I'm so glad,

[Assistant] I can't I can't reach you, though. There's too many people here. What if I just, like,


[User] I can't I can't reach you, though. There's too many people here. What if I just, like,

[Assistant] Throw them into my mouth,


[User] Throw them into my mouth,

[Assistant] Yeah, i'll do that. I'll throw them right into your mouth. You ready three


[User] Catch, holy cow,

[Assistant] I told you I have a food problem.


[User] I told you I have a food problem.

[Assistant] You are incredible!Incredibly terrifying how did you do that,


[User] You are incredible!Incredibly terrifying how did you do that,

[Assistant] Used to call me the hoover vacuum.


[User] Used to call me the hoover vacuum.

[Assistant] Um like ah speaking of hoover vacuum, do you see that float that's a crazy float,


[User] Um like ah speaking of hoover vacuum, do you see that float that's a crazy float,

[Assistant] They made that entire thing out of mums. I can't believe it.


[User] They made that entire thing out of mums. I can't believe it.

[Assistant] Mum is in that vacuum,


[User] Mum is in that vacuum,

[Assistant] No, not our mum, mum's the flowers.


[User] No, not our mum, mum's the flowers.

[Assistant] Oh, I was like I was a little worried.


[User] Oh, I was like I was a little worried.

[Assistant] It looks like they used calla lilies and mums.


[User] It looks like they used calla lilies and mums.

[Assistant] Ah lilies and mums, oh, but I, you know, I kind of like the shape of it. It looks like a cake.


[User] Ah lilies and mums, oh, but I, you know, I kind of like the shape of it. It looks like a cake.

[Assistant] Do you remember the time that your face went into a bouquet of lilies and when you came out you had to get sent away to the hospital because you have a severe allergic reaction to the pollen,


[User] Do you remember the time that your face went into a bouquet of lilies and when you came out you had to get sent away to the hospital because you have a severe allergic reaction to the pollen,

[Assistant] Oh god, oh, oh god,


[User] Oh god, oh, oh god,

[Assistant] Ah ryan mcgion.


[User] Ah ryan mcgion.

[Assistant] Ah sick ah


[User] Ah sick ah

[Assistant] Ryan McGaughan! Ryan McGaughan no not those cute sneezes.


[User] Ryan McGaughan! Ryan McGaughan no not those cute sneezes.

[Assistant] Quick, hand me my EpiPen!I


[User] Quick, hand me my EpiPen!I

[Assistant] Oh, okay, ready, i'm gonna chuck it to you.


[User] Oh, okay, ready, i'm gonna chuck it to you.

[Assistant] Okay, you know I have butterfingers oh, I missed it I died.


[User] Hey, cole, im. So glad that you won the case. I cant believe that you won.

[Assistant] Neither can I. It's kinda crazy. Do you like the the song,


[User] Neither can I. It's kinda crazy. Do you like the the song,

[Assistant] I love lizzo. Lizzo it's about damn time.


[User] I love lizzo. Lizzo it's about damn time.

[Assistant] About damn time. Wait a minute. I'm anita, sentimental, mana woman to wreck my case, because I won,


[User] About damn time. Wait a minute. I'm anita, sentimental, mana woman to wreck my case, because I won,

[Assistant] I know, it's been two years of mitigating.


[User] I know, it's been two years of mitigating.

[Assistant] Yes, it it we've been lessening other people's problems quite a bit,


[User] Yeah and as a defense lawyer it's one of the hardest things that you could possibly do and i'm just so proud of you you have five huge defense cases on your plate and you've just taken one off you get to basically have a vacation.

[Assistant] I get to sleep for the first time in twenty years,


[User] I get to sleep for the first time in twenty years,

[Assistant] It's crazy,


[User] It's crazy,

[Assistant] I know, it's gonna be really nice to just lay down on my bed and not have to worry about all the plubicula.


[User] I know, it's gonna be really nice to just lay down on my bed and not have to worry about all the plubicula.

[Assistant] Yeah not anymore you're not gonna have to worry about any of that you don't have to worry about going into the prison to see the the people that you're trying to help and defend.


[User] Yeah not anymore you're not gonna have to worry about any of that you don't have to worry about going into the prison to see the the people that you're trying to help and defend.

[Assistant] So okay, wait, what about you, though, what about you as a judge, how does it feel to be judging all of these people and getting the wrong people sent to prison, not the wrong people, getting the bad people sent to prison, not the wrong people, i'm not saying that you're, i'm i'm not undermining your criminal justice law judge.


[User] That's exactly why I went to harvard for eight years.

[Assistant] Did a great job hey, just so you know, I requested a song on your behalf to congratulate you.


[User] Did a great job hey, just so you know, I requested a song on your behalf to congratulate you.

[Assistant] On my behalf? What song?


[User] Old time rock and roll.

[Assistant] Old time rock and roll, that's my favorite song, how did you know that,


[User] Old time rock and roll, that's my favorite song, how did you know that,

[Assistant] Because you used to listen to it on your headphones, and they would i could hear it in the court.


[User] Because you used to listen to it on your headphones, and they would i could hear it in the court.

[Assistant] My headphone bleed, in the silent court, everybody knew that I was listening to old time rock and roll.


[User] Yeah it picked up.

[Assistant] Thats unfortunate.


[User] Thats unfortunate.

[Assistant] But look, you're a rock star, so you won and everything's okay.


[User] But look, you're a rock star, so you won and everything's okay.

[Assistant] Time rock and roll star, you know what I mean, what can I say,


[User] Time rock and roll star, you know what I mean, what can I say,

[Assistant] Hoo!Hoo, hoo, hoo,


[User] Hoo!Hoo, hoo, hoo,

[Assistant] Let the dogs out,


[User] Let the dogs out,

[Assistant] Ho!Ho, ho, ho, ho,


[User] Ho!Ho, ho, ho, ho,

[Assistant] Exactly, I don't know. We should solve that case. Who did let the dogs out,


[User] Exactly, I don't know. We should solve that case. Who did let the dogs out,

[Assistant] Ah that's part of why I sit on the on this case with you every time because I need ah to be presented with the facts about who let those dogs out.


[User] Ah that's part of why I sit on the on this case with you every time because I need ah to be presented with the facts about who let those dogs out.

[Assistant] I know, and you know what that case reminds me, there was a case I worked way back when, ah who let the cats out, who let the who let the cats out of the bag,


[User] I remember that cat I do do you, oh my gosh, that reminds me you used to play whats new pussy cat all the time on repeat during that trial.

[Assistant] What can I say, I like my themes.


[User] You do you seem to really like your theme?

[Assistant] That arctic monkeys do you wanna know,


[User] That arctic monkeys do you wanna know,

[Assistant] I think it is.


[User] I think it is.

[Assistant] You want to know,


[User] You want to know,

[Assistant] Do you wanna know that's what I know about the song


[User] Do you wanna know that's what I know about the song

[Assistant] You know what, it's getting pretty late. We should probably get out of here. I've had a couple drinks.


[User] You know what, it's getting pretty late. We should probably get out of here. I've had a couple drinks.

[Assistant] Well, you make sure that you take a cab. You can't afford to have another d u i. On your record.


[User] Well, you make sure that you take a cab. You can't afford to have another d u i. On your record.

[Assistant] You're right, but we're not supposed we gotta keep it positive because that would bring back a lot of trauma.


[User] You're right, but we're not supposed we gotta keep it positive because that would bring back a lot of trauma.

[Assistant] It's okay, you're allowed to have at least one, but just don't have two of them, okay?


[User] Ah understood,

[Assistant] I believe in you, and I want you to be safe and sound so that you can be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to solve the other cases.


[User] I believe in you, and I want you to be safe and sound so that you can be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to solve the other cases.

[Assistant] Ah no, we you promised I would get some sleep,


[User] Ah no, we you promised I would get some sleep,

[Assistant] I was joking,


[User] I was joking,

[Assistant] That's rude you got my hopes up good night farewell


[User] Go sleep on the couch for a bit.

[Assistant] Ah weep not,


[User] It's a ten layer lasagna.

[Assistant] That's awesome!Do you have all the ingredients you need, or should I run to the store just down the street?


[User] No, no, we're good. I just wanted to make sure that I had the this jackhammer is relentless.

[Assistant] Hey, keep it down out there. I don't think they can hear me.


[User] Yeah so I have everything ready to go everything is ready I just wasn't sure if I had the the the recipe itself but I have it

[Assistant] I'm going to why don't you get you have everything prepped, ready to go. I'm going to finish putting the tablecloth on the table getting the plates set up and the cups.


[User] Can you make sure that you use the gray tablecloth, though?

[Assistant] The gray one, come on, I was thinking we were gonna use the taut one. The gray one,


[User] Okay, heard, heard i'll use the taut and one and because that's my favorite um and i-it's ah done. It's done what do you need help with,

[Assistant] I need you to take water in ah in a dish and I need you to submerge the noodles.


[User] The noodles need to sit in the water.

[Assistant] How long, i'll set a timer.


[User] Ten minutes,

[Assistant] Ten minutes, ten layers, that's easy.


[User] Because they need to soften.

[Assistant] Okay, heard. They're gonna absorb the water. Gotcha.


[User] They need to soften a bit because when we're baking it cuts down on the bake time.

[Assistant] I see I I have all in one dish, do they need to be separated, can I stack them on top of each other,


[User] The can opener

[Assistant] Oh, there's a can. Where's the can, i've never seen the can. Is this a new purchase,


[User] It is. It's on

[Assistant] Did you splurge?"


[User] Did you splurge?"

[Assistant] I did its an electric one, so we save our arms.


[User] I did its an electric one, so we save our arms.

[Assistant] That's nice. You know me. I'm tired after arm day so what how do I use it, do I just like


[User] Just press the button.

[Assistant] Oh, oh, god, oh, jeez okay, okay, ah,


[User] Oh, oh, god, oh, jeez okay, okay, ah,

[Assistant] Glad that you put down the tartan because that's a mess.


[User] Glad that you put down the tartan because that's a mess.

[Assistant] Ah it hurts, but it's fun, cause I gotta keep it positive.


[User] Ah it hurts, but it's fun, cause I gotta keep it positive.

[Assistant] Be careful!I need you alive for this party.


[User] Be careful!I need you alive for this party.

[Assistant] And grab a can you grab a band-aid from the yeah cabinet in the kitchen,


[User] Yeah, chucking it your way. Ready, one, two, three, catch,

[Assistant] Ah my head,


[User] Ah my head,

[Assistant] Ah band-aid hurt you,


[User] Ah band-aid hurt you,

[Assistant] You hit my head, can you not see that,


[User] You hit my head, can you not see that,

[Assistant] Ah soft band-aid with a star wars figure on it.


[User] Ah soft band-aid with a star wars figure on it.

[Assistant] That's going to leave a mark and a bruise oh oh my goodness. Ok.


[User] You're so sensitive and I love it.

[Assistant] Okay, it's gonna be as good as possible, no more injuries, alright?


[User] Okay, it's gonna be as good as possible, no more injuries, alright?

[Assistant] Just need you to know that even though you have a cut on your hand you need to crush the tomatoes with your hand.


[User] Just need you to know that even though you have a cut on your hand you need to crush the tomatoes with your hand.

[Assistant] With my hand,


[User] Oh, no, okay.

[Assistant] It's gonna burn and sting. I'm sorry.


[User] It's gonna burn and sting. I'm sorry.

[Assistant] You must be having so much fun watching me in pain okay, you know what, I so turn on the can opener like this.


[User] Pour the tomatoes into the bowl, the big clear Pyrex bowl.

[Assistant] I'm just gonna scooch I I poured them onto the counter because you said pour the tomatoes out. I'll is that okay,


[User] I'm just gonna scooch I I poured them onto the counter because you said pour the tomatoes out. I'll is that okay,

[Assistant] Thats okay, as long as you get them, put them in the bowl, though.


[User] Thats okay, as long as you get them, put them in the bowl, though.

[Assistant] Okay got it, all right, and now I use my hands,


[User] Okay got it, all right, and now I use my hands,

[Assistant] Crush them with your hands. I'm sorry that it's burning.


[User] Crush them with your hands. I'm sorry that it's burning.

[Assistant] Oh, oh, oh, jeez, owie!


[User] Oh, oh, oh, jeez, owie!

[Assistant] Its just the process we have to follow.


[User] Its just the process we have to follow.

[Assistant] So we have to why aren't you doing this, why am I i'm injured.


[User] I grated down to my knuckles.

[Assistant] Knuckles in the cheese,


[User] No, not now theyre okay.

[Assistant] You know, I used to I I used you don't know this about me. I used to be in a band called knuckle suckers.


[User] Wow, thats so cute.

[Assistant] Isn't it, we were making fun of the people in the higher higher higher hemisphere. You know what, not the higher hemisphere,


[User] Isn't it, we were making fun of the people in the higher higher higher hemisphere. You know what, not the higher hemisphere,

[Assistant] It's almost like buffon.


[User] The um what's that,

[Assistant] It's a form of clowning.


[User] It's a form of clowning.

[Assistant] No, maybe,


[User] No, maybe,

[Assistant] It's where you make fun of the it's it's where you usually make fun of people who are in a higher status than you are.


[User] It's where you make fun of the it's it's where you usually make fun of people who are in a higher status than you are.

[Assistant] That's exact you so smart I should have gone to college.


[User] That's exact you so smart I should have gone to college.

[Assistant] Ah what, you didn't go to college,


[User] Ah what, you didn't go to college,

[Assistant] No, I didn't go to college.


[User] No, I didn't go to college.

[Assistant] You're one of the smartest people I know.


[User] You're one of the smartest people I know.

[Assistant] Well, thank you for the compliment, but that's entirely untrue.


[User] You're smart and you're funny and you're cool and you're gonna get the so the middle spot on the couch tonight.

[Assistant] And for that, I have finished, through my pain and turmoil, crushing the tomatoes it's important to stay hydrated.


[User] Um so thirsty.

[Assistant] Valid. So what, I just layer the lasagna, I layer this, I put tomato, layer, tomato,


[User] You have to wait until the noodles are ready.

[Assistant] The noodles are ready. Hear that, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, that's an alarm.


[User] The noodles are ready. Hear that, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, that's an alarm.

[Assistant] Perfect take them out and so first thing you're going to do is take them out of the water then you're going to dab them dry.


[User] That's okay, it'll feel better later when it's in your tummy.

[Assistant] Yeah that's so true. You know what, now i'm excited.


[User] I want you to spread the cream cheese on the tomatoes first. It's kind of awkward, so use a spatula.

[Assistant] On the tomatoes? With a spatula? You're overestimating my ability here.


[User] You can do anything, eddie,

[Assistant] Okay, okay, okay so I got the spatula with the cheese and


[User] Okay, okay, okay so I got the spatula with the cheese and

[Assistant] How it spreads out when you do that,


[User] How it spreads out when you do that,

[Assistant] Yeah i'm doing it.


[User] Yeah i'm doing it.

[Assistant] Great job!Now take a bit of the ricotta with a spoon.


[User] Just like that. Now add a bit of the grated cheddar that I just gave you.

[Assistant] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay and like I you know, I saw this meme on the internet where this guy was bouncing salt off of his forearm and he looked really, really hot so i'm going to do that with the cheese and pretend like yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you,


[User] I already took a video of you.

[Assistant] Yeah take a video take a video add a bunch of like hearts around me and make some sparkles and maybe like the heart eyes emoji.


[User] I am going to add some music to it too.

[Assistant] Music are you gonna add, this is very important.


[User] Baby Dont Hurt Me

[Assistant] Yeah great, fantastic, that's my favorite song. Anybody who knows me knows that I don't like babies don't hurt me.


[User] And it's mixed with mushrooms. I want you to spread that over top.

[Assistant] All right, i'm doing that now.


[User] Great, now you need to make another layer of noodles. We're going to do it all over again.

[Assistant] That's not too bad. I remember all the steps from before. So it's like noodles and then tomatoes and then ah cheese. It's noodles noodles tomatoes cheese. The cheeses are ricotta ah ah feta and shredded ah something or another cheddar and then once that you get the impossible meat and basil.


[User] Yeah perfect. You're going to do that ten times and then top it with this cheese here parmesan and mozzarella mixed together.

[Assistant] Okay and that and that and I think we're good.


[User] Awesome we're going to put it in the oven i've already preheated it it's at four hundred and twenty five degrees

[Assistant] Four hundred and twenty five, for how long, i'll set the time, i like setting the timer on my phone.


[User] Twenty three minutes.

[Assistant] Twenty three minutes, why not twenty four,


[User] Because i soaked the noodles.

[Assistant] Does that help with the cook time,


[User] You are so, so smart it makes them more malleable.

[Assistant] Oh, I see. Okay and in the lasagna goes and twenty three minutes time is set and done.


[User] And come over here, i'll clean your cut.

[Assistant] I can't, there's a dog crate in the way.


[User] Hold on, scruffy, get out of the kitchen.

[Assistant] Scruffy's not leaving. I guess I'm stuck in this kitchen forever.


[User] Anderson paak can do no wrong everything that he does is just phenomenal.

[Assistant] I know, right, and when they had the spotlight on him and he was smiling and you could see his teeth reflecting in the audience,


[User] Oh, my gosh and the way he dances just next level.

[Assistant] It really sets it apart. I don't know how he's able to both sing and play percussion like drums at the same time. Dude, it's like a human metronome it's crazy,


[User] Have you seen the video with the npr tiny desk of ah him with the free nationals, um yeah, it's really, really, really, really, really cool. It's my favorite music video. It has like eighty one million views.

[Assistant] I really like when he collaborates with bruno mars in silk sonic.


[User] I really like when he collaborates with bruno mars in silk sonic.

[Assistant] Ah that you know they're you know they're playing shows in vegas right now, right I truly they are


[User] Ah that you know they're you know they're playing shows in vegas right now, right I truly they are

[Assistant] Get out, we have to go,


[User] Get out, we have to go,

[Assistant] We have to go. It's just a couple of hours away from here. I'll look up tickets right now.


[User] We can go Saturday, I'm free. Okay, they're not expensive, right?

[Assistant] They're like eighty five, ninety bucks. Is that in your budget,


[User] Okay, fair look, well, compromise, you pay for the tickets ill pay for our stay.

[Assistant] So we're gonna make this a weekend thing, huh, alright I got a raise last week so I might as well spend it anyway.


[User] Yeah and i got some inheritance money. So were good.

[Assistant] Awesome, well, ah it looks like we're at the car. It was, you know, it was a nice time hanging with ya.


[User] Yeah I really loved the concert. Thanks so much for letting me know that they have tickets for saturday, too.

[Assistant] Um i'll i'll hit you up when everything's available, okay,


[User] By the way, I think malibu was so on fire today,

[Assistant] His Malibu was crazy. Yeah, I loved it too.


[User] Also loved that he did um ah oh, what's the song with jasmine sullivan,

[Assistant] I know what you are talking about, I can't remember the name of it.


[User] Heels, heels, high heels,

[Assistant] I don't know that name, but do you remember um hot don't stand a chance,


[User] I don't know that name, but do you remember um hot don't stand a chance,

[Assistant] Um my god, it was so


[User] Um my god, it was so

[Assistant] Ah my heart don't stand the chance is such a good song. It was like I was grooving in my seat. My shoulders were wiggling. I was I was anderson paak. I love the guy.


[User] I got at least three videos of you dancing.

[Assistant] Oh no, did you really, you gotta show them to me, send them to me later.


[User] I will, i wanted you to post them.

[Assistant] Post them to my twitter,


[User] Yeah and instagram.

[Assistant] I'll credit you and everything what if anderson paak retweets it,


[User] I'll credit you and everything what if anderson paak retweets it,

[Assistant] My god let's have it happen


[User] My god let's have it happen

[Assistant] Okay, okay, okay, ah how how do we create a video that anderson paak will retweet we got to combine it with another song of his. Did you did you record during ah come down,


[User] Yeah, I I absolutely recorded during come down because you were like jamming hard.

[Assistant] Oh yeah oh yeah well okay, so we'll combine those two videos into one video and then we'll tweet it and then guaranteed anderson paak will retweet


[User] But are we going to use come down you know the part where he goes you might never come down,

[Assistant] Never come down, it takes too long to get this high off the gr I know, just sit and stay awhile.


[User] We'll do it there, right,

[Assistant] Yes, absolutely, absolutely, because I was screaming at the top of my lungs when he was doing that I don't know about you, but when he turned off the music and it was just the crowd chanting, you might never ever come down it gets too long to stay this high off the ground yeah,


[User] Yes, absolutely, absolutely, because I was screaming at the top of my lungs when he was doing that I don't know about you, but when he turned off the music and it was just the crowd chanting, you might never ever come down it gets too long to stay this high off the ground yeah,

[Assistant] I think the best part of that was when they dropped the lights at the baseline at the beginning of the song and we just the crowd just erupts because it's just insane that baseline that he comes in with and then just the hi-hat are like are you kidding me,


[User] I think the best part of that was when they dropped the lights at the baseline at the beginning of the song and we just the crowd just erupts because it's just insane that baseline that he comes in with and then just the hi-hat are like are you kidding me,

[Assistant] It was so good it was so good I don't know I don't know about it you know what song I wish he had played you know we were talking about silk sonic I kind of wish that he had played leaving the door leave the door open


[User] I was going to say the same thing.

[Assistant] That's exactly why we're going on saturday though. That's saturday, we got it on saturday.


[User] Exactly and with bruno mars forget it

[Assistant] Bruno mars is one of those like voices that's been around since like two thousand and twelve and he just keeps coming back with hits after hits after hits. I I was watching this like grammy video the other day where in eat in like two thousand and twelve, in two thousand and thirteen, in two thousand and fourteen, in two thousand and fifteen, he was in like the top five like performers the entire way along with taylor swift I think the two of them are kind of like singers of this generation.


[User] You know it's funny, too, because so many people forget about mark ronson's involvement.

[Assistant] Yeah that guy's that guy's nuts, right, he's crazy.


[User] This world can hurt you it cuts you deep and leaves a scar leaves a scar

[Assistant] Leaves, a scar, I think I remember parts of it.


[User] Nothing breaks like a heart breaks like a heart nothing breaks like a heart

[Assistant] No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, that was like real big way back when.


[User] Yeah, its so good.

[Assistant] Anyway, I gotta go home to my child. So i'll, ah, i'll, i'll, I left them alone without a babysitter. Hopefully they're fine.


[User] Ah tell matty junior that I love him.

[Assistant] I will. All right, sam, i'll catch you later bye


[User] As we know, light refracts through and creates a prism.

[Assistant] What's refraction,


[User] Okay, you have a corner and light goes in what ends up coming out of it is a prism of color those colors create what we know to see on a visual spectrum as the rainbow.

[Assistant] And why why did why are those the why are those the colors,


[User] Because it's what the human eye is capable of handling.

[Assistant] Why does the human eye see color,


[User] It's interesting that you ask that by comparison to other animals we have more sensitivity given the way that we had to adapt over time whereas for example a dog used learned to adapt through their sense of smell so they can actually pick up scents that are I think close to twenty thousand times stronger than the human smell.

[Assistant] I should stop farting in my dog's face then.


[User] I think that would be advisable, Jimmy." "O.K.

[Assistant] Why is it red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple and not cmyk, rgb,


[User] Why is it red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple and not cmyk, rgb,

[Assistant] It's because of the way that our eyes identify the information. Our brains register the information through what we see ah in our eyes so for example with your eye, you have your iris, which is the outer part of your eye, the outer part,


[User] That's right. So it gets larger sometimes, or dilated,

[Assistant] Oh, that's the word. I thought it was diluted.


[User] That's because in irish mythologies they believed that the rainbow carries a magical property um and will allow different worlds to transcend one another so it's the boundary between the mythical world of, say, fairies leprechauns nymphs ah all of those creatures centaurs to cross over into the human world.

[Assistant] Why is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?


[User] Why is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

[Assistant] It's more of a metaphorical pot of gold.


[User] It's more of a metaphorical pot of gold.

[Assistant] Really, so you're spending all of you're saying all of the time I spent looking for pots of gold at the end of the rainbows was for nothing,


[User] There's no place like home.

[Assistant] Gotcha, okay. I can't believe I didn't get that the first time. I thought it was a literal pot of gold. Can you walk on rainbows,


[User] I would not advise trying to walk on mist. You're heavier than the mass of mist.

[Assistant] But what if it's like super dense, you know what I mean,


[User] Can an airplane go through the mist?

[Assistant] I don't know, can it, i've never seen it happen.


[User] No, because water molecules reform bonds too quickly.

[Assistant] How does a water molecule re-form a bond?


[User] They automatically reform bonds because it's when oxygen hits hydrogen and they re-form their bonds they create a covalent bonding system and re re-form to one another.

[Assistant] Okay, you know what, it's getting a little late, i'll, ah i've got it's it's about time for me to leave class. I'll ask more questions tomorrow.


[User] Why do you use a twenty sided die?

[Assistant] And well, in dungeons and dragons, everything is decided through the probability of dice all of your character's decisions. So if I were the dungeon master and you were the player you would say, oh, I want to go do this thing. I want to go drink a ah um beer at this bar and i'd be like, okay roll a constitution check and that you would make using your twenty sided die because ah based off of your character's modifiers and whatnot, we're we're just gonna be


[User] Can i be a bunny rabbit?

[Assistant] Could probably be a bunny rabbit, sure, there's many, many, many different varieties. You could be anything in dungeons and dragons literally anything. If you want to be a bunny rabbit holding a giant greatsword you better get a dm who will work with you and make that a reality because I think that's an awesome idea.


[User] Professor, what if I wanted to be a bunny rabbit that walks around inside my cage, but my paws can fit outside the cage,

[Assistant] That would be more of a familiar so that would be like the start of a story, right you start your story your backstory is you're inside of a cage you want to walk outside of your cage but you can't your paws will only go so far so when that's how we'd start the session we'd be like all right how do you get out because your buddy your buddy's gonna want more than that regardless um i'll get to explaining


[User] What if I can't get out though,

[Assistant] That's that's bad dungeon mastering. If you can't get out, your dungeon master needs to learn how to play the oh I hear the bell going off i'll see you guys next time. We'll talk about the history of dungeons and dragons, and I promise this time I won't get sidetracked.


[User] You want me to make my coffee cake,

[Assistant] Oh my god, yeah please.


[User] I love spice cake, that's my favorite kind of cake.

[Assistant] Okay, well fine, the cat's gonna go into my room, I guess.


[User] I did in fact get seventeen kids it's crazy.

[Assistant] I don't know. How did you manage that,


[User] It was because it was outside of yellowstone and then we talked about the bears coming up and eating his body.

[Assistant] Oh my god, I know, it was so funny, he tore his body limb from limb anyway this is


[User] Did you say eat, pray, obey,

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, it's, don't worry about it. It's just something I'm working on as a mantra to kind of teach you. Uhm, I've been putting subliminal messaging in it as you sleep anyway. Uhm, yeah, so uhm, I don't know if you remember this, because I know that you and Rachel dated briefly, but uhm, she really, well, yeah, briefly, I know, it was really awkward for me, but because you remember, I don't know if you remember, but she really loves when you, uhm, add the coconut whip on the top of the cake. Can you make


[User] I know, I'm so excited. You know, I don't know where I would be without you. To be honest, I'm so lucky that you're my older brother.

[Assistant] Well, you know, ever, you know, it's let's just say that if things had not played out the way they would have played out, then we wouldn't be here where we are today. And i'm very grateful for our present moment.


[User] Speaking of great voice acting, tarzan, oh my goodness the monkeys, the song, the monkeys and the banging.

[Assistant] Hey, do you, um, what did you think of Emperor's New Groove? I love Emperor's New Groove.


[User] Hey, brad, I just wanted you to know, um, i've already mapped out sorry, i've already

[Assistant] It's like one in the morning, dude.


[User] Isn't it crazy that we're in Rome?

[Assistant] I know. I can't believe that we got here together.


[User] I'm so excited. So we have to definitely see art and statues. We're gonna see the Colosseum. We're gonna definitely, and the Colosseum, I thought, I don't know about you, but I was thinking that we could probably spend like an hour and a half, because I know that you've always wanted to go into the Colosseum and film yourself there. So.

[Assistant] I want to pretend like i'm in a chariot and ride around with two horses drawing me and scream at the top of my lungs sorry I got a little excited there I don't I think I almost woke somebody up


[User] You did, where, where did you have the time, how,

[Assistant] It's just made out of paper, so I have it folded in my bag.


[User] When you cut out a leaf,

[Assistant] Yeah, I got out of


[User] No, no, it's it's fine. You look great shirtless. I'm not worried about it. I'm just worried about you burning yourself.

[Assistant] You don't care about my you don't care about my my lack of abs my deformed chest cavity


[User] "The fruit piece, the still lifes, you mean?"

[Assistant] Yes, and still lifes. I love their still lifes, though, because there are so many beautiful still lifes and I, like, it's, it's like you're I don't know how they've held up for so long. You know, they've kept the paintings as long as they have.


[User] Um my problem apparently is you, cause you be just slamming on your brakes out of nowhere without any warning, and

[Assistant] I'm slamming on my brakes. At least I have eyes. What did you have, do you have like a, do you have like sunglasses on that are tinted fifty hundred million percent, what's your fucking deal, dude, you hit the back of my car.


[User] Yeah well, my sunglasses don't correct for the fact that you were driving like like twenty miles an hour in a thirty mile zone, so.

[Assistant] So you was you sped up into me, is that the story, is that the story,


[User] So you was you sped up into me, is that the story, is that the story,

[Assistant] If you would if you would drive like if you drive like ah like a reasonable person, then maybe I wouldn't have to be on your ass trying to trying to nudge you to speed up so I can get where i'm going, because other people not everyone in the world runs on your schedule, asshole. Sometimes people need to get to work.


[User] If you would if you would drive like if you drive like ah like a reasonable person, then maybe I wouldn't have to be on your ass trying to trying to nudge you to speed up so I can get where i'm going, because other people not everyone in the world runs on your schedule, asshole. Sometimes people need to get to work.

[Assistant] Maybe maybe maybe you like the smell of my ass because you were just up there just like your nose was in the exhaust pipe of my fucking car, dude. I was going the speed limit and you just ran right into me. It's not like I trying to it's not like i'm trying to get like five thousand dollars in damage to my rear bumper. That's not my fucking priority. My fucking priority is getting to work on time and making the money so I can live, which you are currently a boulder in the way of my life. I'm calling your insurance, buddy. You're gonna hear from my lawyer.


[User] You think i'm impaired, okay.

[Assistant] Either read the sign wrong or your speedometer needs some repairs. If you're not if you're not going to let people pass you, then I don't know what yeah I don't know what you think you're doing on the road. If you're going to go if you're going to go below the speed limit and someone's behind you, you'll let them pass because maybe people got places to go.


[User] Either read the sign wrong or your speedometer needs some repairs. If you're not if you're not going to let people pass you, then I don't know what yeah I don't know what you think you're doing on the road. If you're going to go if you're going to go below the speed limit and someone's behind you, you'll let them pass because maybe people got places to go.

[Assistant] Um understand that you have places to go. I have places to go too, buddy. Don't don't worry. I'm not just driving for no reason. I'm not an idiot but what I am is patient and I let the road and the scenery filter through my eyes and I love it. I love looking at the road. I love looking at the scenery and you hit the back of me as I think I have a concussion.


[User] Bullshit, you don't have a concussion.

[Assistant] I think I swear I swear to god I have a concussion right now. I yeah I have I have I like


[User] I think I swear I swear to god I have a concussion right now. I yeah I have I have I like

[Assistant] How many, how many fingers am I holding up? How many, how many fingers am I holding up? Yeah, you do know, you can clearly see I'm holding up three fingers. If you had a concussion, you wouldn't be able to tell me that.


[User] How many, how many fingers am I holding up? How many, how many fingers am I holding up? Yeah, you do know, you can clearly see I'm holding up three fingers. If you had a concussion, you wouldn't be able to tell me that.

[Assistant] Ah you if there's a there's a I don't know.


[User] Yeah you just running your mouth, you just you messing with me.

[Assistant] No, I can't tell. I can't, I was eighteen, nineteen, I don't know, I have a concussion. I think this is a medical liability now. If you you hit the back of me, my head hit the steering wheel really hard. Look, I think there's even a bruise forming up here.


[User] No, I can't tell. I can't, I was eighteen, nineteen, I don't know, I have a concussion. I think this is a medical liability now. If you you hit the back of me, my head hit the steering wheel really hard. Look, I think there's even a bruise forming up here.

[Assistant] Ah technically you hit the front of me with the back of you because you weren't driving the right speed.


[User] Ah technically you hit the front of me with the back of you because you weren't driving the right speed.

[Assistant] I hit the front of me with the back of you. It's like it's that's like saying oh shoot my, my, ah, the the picnic table hit my elbow and gave my funny, like hurt my funny bone. That makes no sense.


[User] You'll fix it for me,

[Assistant] You don't need to take, you don't need to call insurance, you don't need to take it to a mechanic. I'll i'll fix it for you right now, okay, i'm gonna spit on it and i'm gonna i'm gonna just rub it with my elbow and there, it's fixed. How about that, okay, now you can get back in your car, you can drive fifteen miles an hour like ah like my grandmother and and you can get yourself to whatever bum fuck place you're trying to go, okay, have a great fucking day,


[User] Oh yeah, I was here. And

[Assistant] Okay, okay, that was okay. First off, spilled the wine on my white shirt, gave us the wrong appetizer the entree my meat wasn't even cooked properly let alone, like, the garnishes were kind of, like, old and a little musty smelling and now it's five hundred they want us to pay five hundred dollars for this dog shit,


[User] Ok, that's that's got to be a mistake. That's definitely a mistake. They they probably mix this up with the next table who got like you know like some vintage wine that came out of like ah like a treasure chest on a buried pirate ship or some bullshit.

[Assistant] Yeah but like but like there's no excuses, right, like we're in this high-end, classy space. We're paying if if we're apparently paying five hundred


[User] Ah classy my ass-y.

[Assistant] Exactly. We're paying five hundred bucks for this, are you kidding me, oh, oh, they're gonna they're gonna confuse you and me with the people in the table over, that is not okay.


[User] Um not paying five hundred, i'm not paying two fifty, or what have we we're going to split, i'm not doing that.

[Assistant] At least I mean, honestly, at this point,


[User] I I swear, I swear, my my bun had a spot and mold in it. I didn't say anything because I was trying to be polite, but in the corner there, you could pretty clearly see it was it was like some blue-green coloration. It was definitely mold in the corner of the bread. I you know, I mean, I I ate it anyway because I was, you know, caught up in the conversation, didn't notice, and i'm kind of concerned about that.

[Assistant] You're gonna get you're gonna get sick because of that. I've told you so many times to stop eating the mold off the bread. I told you so many times. Are you kidding me, dude, oh,


[User] You're gonna get you're gonna get sick because of that. I've told you so many times to stop eating the mold off the bread. I told you so many times. Are you kidding me, dude, oh,

[Assistant] If I don't cut it off, then i'm not gonna remember, because I get carried away in conversation and and i'm not thinking about what i'm putting in my mouth. I get, you know, I I go off on a tangent, I start telling a story about lori, lori, you know, on that hike we did back on the coast, and and then I just, you know, i'm i'm talking about those twins we ran into and the and the waterfall and the whole thing, and i'm eating and shoveling food in my mouth, and and and and if they if if they're not paying attention what they're serving me, then i'm gonna eat mold, that's how it's gonna go, and i'm gonna end up in the emergency room.


[User] If I don't cut it off, then i'm not gonna remember, because I get carried away in conversation and and i'm not thinking about what i'm putting in my mouth. I get, you know, I I go off on a tangent, I start telling a story about lori, lori, you know, on that hike we did back on the coast, and and then I just, you know, i'm i'm talking about those twins we ran into and the and the waterfall and the whole thing, and i'm eating and shoveling food in my mouth, and and and and if they if if they're not paying attention what they're serving me, then i'm gonna eat mold, that's how it's gonna go, and i'm gonna end up in the emergency room.

[Assistant] Okay, well, yes, okay, and ending up at the emergency room is honestly the cherry on top of this cake of this shit show that we have been delivered tonight.


[User] Okay, well, yes, okay, and ending up at the emergency room is honestly the cherry on top of this cake of this shit show that we have been delivered tonight.

[Assistant] I wish they did put a cherry on top of a cake. So the picture on the menu had a cherry, a candied cherry on it. They didn't give us no cherry. And five hundred bucks, that's ridiculous. That's like absurd.


[User] Yeah, i'm probably gonna be hurling tomorrow morning.

[Assistant] Ah what's five hundred bucks, like and you got you ate mold off of their bread now even though it's a character trait for you, like if you go to the emergency room, they better pay for that I don't have insurance. Do you have insurance,


[User] Well, okay, if you want to talk math, how about instead of fifty-fifty, we go maybe, like, eleven-eleven. How's that, you know, eleven eleven eleven percent of five hundred would be, like like, fifty-five or something. Um I I had you know, I had a couple glasses of that wine and and um yeah, I think, like, fifty-five. And no, that's still that's still way too much from the meal we had. Maybe, like, five percent. Five five five. How's that,

[Assistant] Fifty five is still way too much. Are you kidding me, look at look at look at the food on my plate. It is half finished. The meat is literally entirely raw. It's like sashimi at this point. Like, are you kidding me, that's not okay. I could have gotten food poisoning, and you will get food poisoning for eating the mold off of the fucking roll bread. That is not okay. I went, okay, look. Oh,


[User] Fifty five is still way too much. Are you kidding me, look at look at look at the food on my plate. It is half finished. The meat is literally entirely raw. It's like sashimi at this point. Like, are you kidding me, that's not okay. I could have gotten food poisoning, and you will get food poisoning for eating the mold off of the fucking roll bread. That is not okay. I went, okay, look. Oh,

[Assistant] Like next time, I I told you, we we should have gone we we should have gone to to lorenos. Lorenos has like a they have like a happy hour special on pizza and beer.


[User] Like next time, I I told you, we we should have gone we we should have gone to to lorenos. Lorenos has like a they have like a happy hour special on pizza and beer.

[Assistant] Honestly, I should have listened to you. I'm so sorry that I i'm so sorry that I wanted to go to canocheese or whatever, but


[User] Yeah you you got it.

[Assistant] You think we're gonna you think we're gonna pay, you think we're gonna pay, are you kidding, no, no, no way, fine. You know what, you, i'm fuming.


[User] Like calm down. Condon, let let me do the talking here. Now let let me handle it. Let me handle this. Look, um I think there's a bit of a mistake on on the bill here. Can you can you ah take this back and give us give us the right bill, you you seem to have mixed us up with another table because there's ah you know there's like like five bottles of wine that we clearly didn't order.

[Assistant] Mixed us up with another table. Are you kidding me, are you kidding, look at me. Do you know who I am, do you know who I, do you know what I can do to your business, uh-huh, oh yeah, you better run away. You better run away. Uh-oh, oh, bring me your manager. Bring me your manager. I need your manager right now.


[User] Hey, hey, cool it, cool it. Cool it!But my fan is a little bit drunk, but.

[Assistant] It's highway fucking robbery is what it is.


[User] Ah damn it, it's like two inches from my bag of snacks. Man, you you were smart bringing your hammock tent. You know, you're like high enough off the ground that you might have to smell that shit, but you're not gonna roll around. Yeah, you know, i'm i'm getting flustered. I can't even talk. It pisses me off when when people let their dogs roam around the campsite without any accountability.

[Assistant] Like it does kind of smell like a mixture between fig and spruce, but also a bit of shit in there i'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that it's right next to your bag, and i'm so sorry that it keeps happening right next to your face consistently. It's.


[User] Like it does kind of smell like a mixture between fig and spruce, but also a bit of shit in there i'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that it's right next to your bag, and i'm so sorry that it keeps happening right next to your face consistently. It's.

[Assistant] I know it. I mean, whoever whoever on the next campsite owns this dog, I mean, come on. I'm i'm a dog owner, too, but you can you can be responsible about keeping after your mutt. I mean, when I when I walk my dog, I carry a bag like you're supposed to, and I pick up its poop. I throw it in a little garbage can. Like, they they got garbage cans here yeah yeah, we're camping. I mean, I mean, come on.


[User] Wrong with these people,

[Assistant] I it's I I honestly i'm so sorry for you because it it seems like they have specifically trained their dog to like shit wherever you are like I i'm and I haven't even seen this dog is it like a is it like a invisible ghost labradoodle kind of thing or is it like a just a tiny little shih tzu you see the play on play on words there um


[User] I it's I I honestly i'm so sorry for you because it it seems like they have specifically trained their dog to like shit wherever you are like I i'm and I haven't even seen this dog is it like a is it like a invisible ghost labradoodle kind of thing or is it like a just a tiny little shih tzu you see the play on play on words there um

[Assistant] It's almost funny. Remind me to laugh when i'm not scraping dog dog doo-doo off of my snack bag.


[User] It's almost funny. Remind me to laugh when i'm not scraping dog dog doo-doo off of my snack bag.

[Assistant] I'm i'm honestly, I again, I you know what we gotta go on a hunt. We gotta go i'm gonna leave a trap out right now, right here and we're gonna trap this dog and we're gonna bring it back to whatever owner owns it and we're gonna teach this owner a lesson, you and I. Yeah, we are.


[User] Easy, buddy easy, buddy. No, don't don't blame the dog here. The dog is innocent. The dog is just dog doesn't know any better. The dog is just following the call of nature. It's the owner who should be taking responsibility for for their dog.

[Assistant] The dog doesn't know i'm done.


[User] Punish the dog!"

[Assistant] Exactly, but that's why we trapped the dog so we can go to the owner, you know, and punish the owner. I got a metal baseball bat in my tent is all i'm saying.


[User] Yeah, look, in the police report, how are they gonna know that you, what if you decide to deny it?

[Assistant] You wouldn't whack anybody. I'd do the whacking. Come on. Hey, we're in the woods. It's a national park. What could hurt except that guy's shins, huh,


[User] You wouldn't whack anybody. I'd do the whacking. Come on. Hey, we're in the woods. It's a national park. What could hurt except that guy's shins, huh,

[Assistant] How how um how am I going to prove to the court that you were the one who that you were the one who wielded the bat, it's got my fingerprints on it, too, because we were playing in the field the other day.


[User] Oh, oh, you're okay, you're worried about cross-contamination, all right, well, I think I brought some hand sanitizer give me a sec all right batch clean,

[Assistant] If you got some hand sanitizer, why don't you clean up the, the, the, the dog do residue on my snack bag. I got, I got, I got chocolate in there, I got marshmallows, we're gonna make some s'mores, and now we're gonna make some, some dog dokey s'mores. That's, come on, we're here to relax. This is a getaway.