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3 edition of tribute to the memory of James Arnold. found in the catalog.
|LC Classifications||CT275.A832 P6 1868|
|The Physical Object|
|Pagination||iii, 19 p. ;|
|Number of Pages||19|
|LC Control Number||14019531|
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A Tribute to the Memory of James Arnold on *FREE* shipping on qualifying : Unknown Binding. A Tribute to the Memory of James Arnold (Classic Reprint) [William James Potter] on *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers.
Excerpt from A Tribute to the Memory of James Arnold The brief notices of mr. Arnold, which have appeared in the papers of our city.
A tribute to the memory of James Arnold on *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. A tribute to the memory of James ArnoldManufacturer: New Bedford, Mass.
Fessenden & Baker, printers. A Tribute to the Memory of James Arnold book. Read reviews from world’s largest community for readers. Excerpt from A Tribute to the Memory of James Arno.
A tribute to the memory of James Arnold [Leather Bound] [William J. (William James), - Potter] on *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers.
Leather Binding on Spine and Corners with Golden Leaf Printing on round Spine (extra Author: Potter, William J. (William James). A tribute to the memory of James Arnold by Potter, William J.
(William James), ?Pages: A Tribute to the Memory of James Arnold by William J (William James) Potter,available at Book Depository with free delivery worldwide.
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Potter and a great selection of similar New, Used and Collectible Books available now at great prices. A Tribute to the Memory of James Arnold (Classic Reprint) by William James Potter,available at Book Depository with free delivery worldwide. James Arnold. In Memory of. James Arnold Click above to light a memorial candle.
Book of Memories. About the Book Of Memories; Mr. James Eldridge Arnold of New Line passed away on Novem at the age of He was the son of Everett and Florence (Robinson) Arnold.
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Books. Go Search Hello Select your address Author: William J. Potter. This Book of Memories memorial website is designed to be a permanent tribute paying tribute to the life and memory of James Arnold. It allows family and friends a place to re-visit, interact with each other, share and enhance this tribute for future generations.
Tips on Writing a Message of Condolence. You may not know exactly what you want to say in your Book of Memories™ condolence message.
In fact, this may be the first time you've ever been faced with sharing your feelings or offering comforting words to someone who is. The Book of Memories™ is the most advanced permanent online memorial available for those wishing to pay tribute the memory of a loved one, friend or co-worker and we are pleased to make it available to the families and communities we serve.
James Monroe Arnold passed away peacefully on Sunday morning, Febru ending his long struggle with cancer. Proudly born in Champaign Urbana, Illinois on Decem He joined the United States Air Force as soon as he able and served our country in Vietnam.
After being stationed in Korea and Germany, he came to Davis Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson. James Arnold. In Memory of. James Arnold archiving and bandwidth for the interactive Book of Memories™ tribute so that it can continue to be available and shared with family and friends in perpetuity.
A permanent notice of your tribute will remain on the Book of. Share Book of Memories With a Friend Please enter the name and email details so that we can send your friend a link to the online tribute.
No names or addresses will be collected by using this service. Contact Information. I'm sending you this notice to let you know that our friend James Arnold has passed away. James Edward Arnold Sr., 81, of Owego, NY, passed away suddenly on November 9, Jim is preceded in death by his first wife, Beatrice Arnold; parents, Thomas and Josephine Arnold; siblings, MaryLou Doty, Thomas Arnold Jr., Harold Arnold, Wesley Arnold, William Arnold, and Billy Arnold; great granddaughter, Madison.
Jim is survived by his wife, the love of his life. Obituary of James E. Arnold, Sr. James Edward Arnold Sr., 81, of Owego, NY, passed away suddenly on November 9, To plant a tree in memory of James Arnold, Sr., please visit Tribute Store.
Plant a Tree. Print Wednesday. November. Visit our online tribute pages and view pictures, leave a gesture or leave a condolence for a. At we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved. is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.
Through the lighting of a memorial candle, your thoughtful gesture will be recorded in the Book of Memories and the proceeds will go directly towards helping ensure that the family and friends of James Arnold can continue to memorialize, re-visit, interact with each other and enhance this tribute for future generations.
Thank you. Obituary of James Eldridge Arnold. James Eldridge Arnold was born in Sussex on Septem He was the son of Everett and Florence (Robinson) Arnold.
Jim loved the simple things in life: He was first and foremost a family man and loved to be surrounded by his family, whether it was at a family gathering, dinner or just quality time with his grandkids.
After the restrictions of the Corona Virus crisis are over, the family will be holding a public memorial visitation and funeral service in Jim's memory. We hope you will attend that service this summer to show the family your support by your presence. James Arnold Nelson, age 55 of Kaufman, Texas died on Friday, Ap at his home.
A biographical tribute to the memory of Trim . I can never speak of cats without a sentiment of regret for my poor Trim, the favourite of all our ship's company on the good-natured purring animal was born on board His Majesty's ship the Roundabout in during a passage from the Cape of Good Hope to Botany Bay; and saving the rights and titles of the.
Celebrating the life of James Arnold Burton. Be the first to share your favorite memory, photo or story of James. This memorial page is dedicated for family, friends and future generations to celebrate the life of their loved : Gerald James Arnold, 78, of Greeley, died on J at his was born on Febru in Greeley to Joseph Jacob “Jake” and Eloise Ann (Camp) went to elementary school at 11th Ave.
and 8th Street, Horace Mann, Meeker Jr. High and graduated from Greeley Central High : James was a resident of Spring, Texas. Do you know something about James' life. You can enhance James Arnold Neal's memory by upgrading James' public record with words and pictures, signing James' memory book, recording an audio memory or lighting a : Memory Book; Sign Memory Book Record An Audio Memory Light A Candle Sympathy Flowers.
James was born on December 6, and passed away on Friday, October 1, James was a You can enhance James Arnold Pool's memory by upgrading James' public record with words and pictures.
BREMEN – James Darrell "Buddy" Arnold, 79, of Bremen, died Monday, May 1,at AM at Transcendent was born Jin Muhlenberg County. He was a retired coal miner and spent many years working at the sawmill.
Buddy loved to work and enjoyed all his : Russell F. James Arnold, 85, died Saturday Janu at the Saint Joseph Hospital, Hospice Care Center, Lexington, KY. A native of Flemingsburg, KY, he was the son of the late Osweld and Amanda Langford James.
He was an over the road trucker and a United States Air Force veteran of the Korean War. Bryant was a resident of Pilot Mountain, North Carolina at the time of passing. Bryant was married to Rachel. Funeral Service will be Sunday February 26 at 2 p.m. at Howell-Nelson Funeral Chapel of Pilot Mountain conducted by Bro.
Don Collins Bro. D.C. Collins with entombment to follow at Skyline Memory : James Edwin Arnold Jr., 83, of Edmond, OK passed away on Aug He was born in Muskogee, OK, on Decemthe son of James Edwin Arnold & Katherine Crew Arnold.
He graduated from. James Arnold Clark, of Black River Falls, WI passed away on Saturday, Novem at Mayo Clinic Health System in Eau Claire, WI. He was born onson of Arnold and Pearl (Kimmel) Clark in Waukesha, WI. James grew up in Milwaukee and joined the Marine Corps and fought in the Vietnam War when he was 17 years old.
At Phillip Funeral Home, caring comes naturally. It's through our sensitivity and experience that we help families with the loss of a loved one. James Arnold Greene, of Love Joy Road, Troy died Thursday, Novem at his home. Mr. Greene was born Octo in Troy, NC, the son of Clyde Alexander and Alma Gillis Greene.
He was a member of Love Joy United Methodist Church, a US Air Force veteran and former employee with 15 years of service with Myrick Construction. He was .Obituary of James Arnold Davis, Jr. James Arnold Davis, Jr.
age 69 of Murfreesboro, passed away Tuesday Janu A native of Rutherford County, he was the son of the late James and Lester Campbell Davis, Sr. Mr. Davis is survived by .


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Her pioneering score for ‘Forbidden Planet’ helped popularize electronic music
Bebe Barron, a pioneering composer who started manipulating sounds after receiving a tape recorder as a wedding present and later scored the 1956 science-fiction film “Forbidden Planet,” the first full-length feature to use only electronic music, has died. She was 82.
Barron died April 20 of complications related to old age at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, said her son, Adam Barron.
With her engineer husband, Louis Barron, she created “a soundscape for ‘Forbidden Planet’ that no one could ever have imagined,” Jon Burlingame, a film music historian who teaches at USC, told The Times. “It was hugely ground-breaking.”
The soundtrack “may have done more than anything to popularize electronic music,” which until the movie’s release belonged exclusively to the academic and avant-garde recording studio, music critic Mark Swed wrote in The Times in 2006.
Because the modern synthesizer was still evolving, the couple created electronic circuits, which produced tones that they altered with a tape recorder. Louis usually built the circuits while Bebe pieced together the beeps, burbles and bubblings into a score that even the Barrons were reluctant to call “music.”
In his 1956 review of “Forbidden Planet,” Philip K. Scheuer wrote in The Times that the “electronic tonalities” -- as the score was credited -- heightened “the strangeness and terror” of life on another planet.
The Barrons had created the prototypical science-fiction soundtrack.
“The score was an extraordinary achievement,” Burlingame said. “It showed the way for music and sound design to more or less merge. When you listen to that movie, you don’t know when you are listening to sound effects or music. The whole line is blurred.”
After one of Louis Barron’s cousins gave the newlyweds a tape recorder in 1947, they created early audio books featuring writer friends such as Anais Nin and Aldous Huxley reading their works. The books sold well, but the Barrons failed to make money, Bebe once said.
By 1949, the couple had set up one of the earliest private electro-acoustic music studios, in New York City, and they began experimenting with electronically generated sounds, said Barry Schrader, a CalArts music professor and a composer of electro-acoustic music.
Mathematician Norbert Wiener’s 1948 book “Cybernetics” influenced their approach. The book suggests that certain natural laws of behavior apply to both animals and electronic machines. Using equations from the book, Louis began designing vacuum tube-powered circuits, and Bebe recorded the tones they made. They varied the sounds by playing the tape recording backward, adding echo or drastically slowing it down.
New-music composer John Cage hired the couple to record sounds for the “Williams Mix,” a 1952 tape-splicing experiment. The project featured more than 600 sounds that were cut into tiny bits of tape and spliced together according to the composer’s score. It took the Barrons more than a year to complete.
Their first fully electronic piece was a score for “Bells of Atlantis,” a 1952 film featuring Nin.
Throughout the 1950s, their studio served as a “functioning center for electro-acoustic music” when there was no institutional support for the medium in the U.S., according to Schrader.
Nearly broke after years in the recording business, the Barrons crashed an art opening for the wife of Dore Schary, president of MGM. After hearing some of their work, he decided to use them for a film he was supervising, “Forbidden Planet.”
“He would look at the film and say, ‘Now that needs music. I want to strengthen the fear in the situation. Can you do fear?’ Well, that’s all we could do, really, is fear,” Bebe Barron said in a 2005 interview on National Public Radio.
The Barrons also collaborated on concerts and special effects for the Broadway shows “A Visit to a Small Planet,” which debuted in 1957, and the “The Happiest Girl in the World” in 1961.
In 1962, they moved to Hollywood but never worked on another major film. One reason was the advent of commercial synthesizers, which with the push of a button could simulate sounds the Barrons once took weeks to complete.
An only child, Bebe Barron was born Charlotte Wind on June 16, 1925, in Minneapolis. Her parents, Frank and Ruth Wind, owned an Army-Navy surplus store in Fargo, N.D.
Her husband called her Bebe, pronounced “bee-bee,” and she took it as her first name.
At the University of Minnesota, she studied music composition but earned a bachelor’s degree in Spanish and a master’s in political science. She also spent a year studying music at the University of Mexico.
In Minneapolis, she met Louis Barron in 1947 while dating his brother but “wound up with Louis, the more creative, exotic and bohemian” brother, her son said.
Even after divorcing in 1970, the couple continued to collaborate until his death in 1989.
She did not compose again until 2000, when she began working on “Mixed Emotions,” based on recordings she made on a synthesizer at UC Santa Barbara. To Barron, her final piece “sounded like a continuation” of her work on “Forbidden Planet,” completed nearly 50 years before.
In addition to her son, Barron is survived by her husband, screenwriter Leonard Neubauer of West Los Angeles.

domain: artistic


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The 4th edition of Canòlich Music Andorra will be held on the last weekend of November in Sant Julià de Lòria.
Be carried away by mythology and history in Julià de Lòria
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@ 11:40 AM MULTAN: Another patient suffering from Swine Flu died in Multan's Nishtar Hospital soaring the death toll by the disease to 20 in the country, ARY News reported on Monday. Sohail, a 20-year old resident of Qasim Bela locality of ... ARY News.tv, 2 weeks ago
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MULTAN The killer influenza continued its march in Multan as another victim of AH1N1 virus lost his life in Nishtar Hospital on Sunday night, taking the death toll to 20. The deceased was identified as Sohail, 26, resident of Qasim Bela, Multan.The Nation Pakistan, 2 weeks ago
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The Hjortcentre is happy to announse that the Hjort Summer School 2016 will be held at the Espegrend Marine Biological Station, Norway, from August 29. to September 2.
This year’s focus will be on Microbial Oceanography, with discussions around ‘Complexity and Simplicity in Microbial Ecology’. The organising committee Frede Thingstad and Selina Våge from the University of Bergen are currently finalising the program. Close interactions amongst invited international and local experts and the participating students will make this a fun and memorable week. Students are expected to present their research activities in form of a poster and short presentation.
Application details along with the program will follow shortly.

domain: biology


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Police have identified an Oklahoma City man who was shot multiple times Sunday night at Memorial Park.
Godwin Ikuesanu, 23, was taken to a hospital with four gunshot wounds on his lower back and one on his right elbow.
According to the police report, officers were called about 9 p.m. to a Homeland store at 1108 NW 18. When they arrived, they found a man lying on the ground with medical personnel around him.
A witness said he was driving in the area when the man ran out in the street and asked for a ride to the hospital. The witness told police he didn't think the man would make it to the hospital, so he drove him to the store so a security guard could call for help.
Police said the shooting was possibly gang-related. In May 2010, officers said Ikuesanu was arrested in connection with a drive-by shooting.

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EastEnders actor Terry Alderton to headline fundraising comedy night for Haven House Hospice in Woodford Green
TV stars will feature in a fundraising comedy night in aid of a hospice.
EastEnders actor Terry Alderton, who plays Terry Spraggan, will headline the night in aid of Woodford Green's Haven House Hospice at 8.15pm on July 2.
Danny Buckler from BBC1's Secrets of Magic, and Ninia Benjamin from the BBC's Three Non Blondes, will also appear at the £11 show at The Plough and Harrow in High Road, Leytonstone.
For tickets call 020 8506 3637 or email firstname.lastname@example.org
Comments are closed on this article.

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For most buyers, a single graphics card will be a considerably improved way to invest your dollars. Not just about every program tends to make use of a number of GPUs anyways, so you would most likely be wasting the hardware. If you do have two GPUs lying about, you could be able to make use of them both as extended as they both use CUDA or both use OpenCL. Depending on the technology, you may possibly also be restricted on VRAM quantity – two 8GB cards will leave you with only 8GB of usable memory, not 16. Integrated graphics cards are generally combined with the CPU and they function by utilizing the system’s memory instead of applying their personal. They are built to consume much less power and deal with basic tasks and programs much more efficiently.
Obtain new components if you’ve upgraded to a new graphics card and realized your program is nevertheless a tiny sluggish. Obtaining one thing like a new CPU or extra RAM can make a difference in making certain your game or video editing session runs extra smoothly. If your current monitor is aging, you will not get the greatest out of your graphics card. Upgrade to a new one capable of the resolution the graphics card supplies and a higher refresh price or low input lag. These capabilities imply significantly less danger of motion blur or an ugly-seeking picture. GeForce RTX 20-series and Radeon RX 6000 cards and above can use ray tracing, which provides organic lighting and shadows, providing the rest of your method is reasonably robust.
We’ll stroll you by means of the basics of a Pc so you know what you’re dealing with and how to safely upgrade your graphics card. Added the Intel GMA 3000 and 3100 integrated graphics processors. Corrected the overall performance specifications of the NVIDIA GeForce 9600 GSO graphics card. Corrected the Vertex Shaders, ROPs and Textures / Clock specifications for the ATI Radeon HD 4870 X2 graphics card. Updated the specifications of the Intel GMA 500 integrated graphics chip.
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Beats preceding-generation GTX cards on both sides of its price tag. As of the Nvidia GeForce RTX 30 series, Ampere architecture, a custom flashed RTX 3090 named “Hall of Fame” has been recorded to attain a peak power draw as higher as 630 watts. The RTX 3080 can reach up to 350 watts, though a 3070 can attain a similar, if not slightly decrease peak energy draw.
That’s impressive thinking about how the RTX 3070 is priced at $499 at retail and it’s going against 1 of the most costly and top-tier GPUs from the Turing household. The RTX 3070 Ti, however, is a little also pricey, specially if you want to play games at 1440p. And at $599 in retail, even the RTX 3080 starts to appear like a good solution to think about. To install a graphics card, start off by uninstalling the old drivers on your laptop or computer.
This indicates the variety of GPU you have will straight impact the FPS you end up with. Right here you can see information such as the name and manufacturer of the graphics card that you are making use of. A CPU is the Central Processing Unit, which is the major brain of your computer system. The GPU is devoted to performing the generally-intensive calculations that are expected to render images, videos, and animations on your computer. Just after reading the above contents, do you have a short understanding of what does a graphics card do now? If not, or if you have some inquiries, please feel absolutely free to create them down in beneath comment part and our support group will get back to you quickly.
The graphic card is connected to the monitor employing numerous different ports place the port will have to be present on each monitor and Graphics card. These are some widespread ports utilised to connect graphics card with a monitor. This section is devoted to the specs that you are going to find listed on retail web sites , providing you a prime-level look at the fundamentals of video card terminology. When the new GPU is working, it’s advisable to eliminate any redundant drivers and application utilised for the old graphics card. If you appear back up this page at the image for the GeForce RTX 2080, you are going to see that there are two such multi-GPU connections — this is Nvidia’s newer version, called NVLink. It is mostly targeted towards skilled graphics and compute cards, rather than general gaming ones.
Car or truck manufacturers could have had it worse more than the years, and may now only be leveraging their significant weight in the market to start off finding the chips they call for. As Dr. Goldsby points out, no corporation see it here desires to be backed into a corner when it comes to manufacturing—it’s desirable to have selections, even redundancy, in your supply chain. These factors afford a corporation flexibility in occasions when items get challenging.
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The video card ought to very first start with a basic wireframe when it comes to translating binary data into 3D visuals. This course of action requirements to be repeated about 60 times per second to get optimal performance, or the visuals will begin to appear sluggish. Because manufacturers of laptop computer systems have stopped including space for an add-on graphics card on the laptops, some makers began to produce external graphics cards for enhancing graphics capabilities.
The query here shouldn’t be irrespective of whether it is compatible, but what CPU is adequate for a unique graphics card. If you want to connect a effective graphics card to an older CPU, the CPU will truly slow down the card itself. Ou can operate Photoshop with no a superior graphics card, but to do so would bring about you to compromise the program’s efficiency and miss out on applying lots of its functions. That becoming stated, if you do only have to have to use Photoshop for a restricted quantity of simple tasks, you could most likely get away with applying a poor graphic card.
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New data center will add high-performance computing capabilities on campus
Virginia Tech's Biocomplexity Institute is growing again by adding a third data center at the life sciences quadrant on the corner of Washington Street and Duck Pond Drive.
“Our current data centers have reached their space and cooling limitations,” said Kevin Shinpaugh, director of information technology at the institute. “The new data center will allow us to meet the increasing demands of our computationally based research.”
Bolstered by a gift of equipment from NASA Goddard Space Flight Center and the approval of the Virginia Tech Board of Visitors, construction of the institute’s $5.9 million new data center is underway.
The new center will add 36 water-chilled racks and two megawatts of power to the institute's high-performance computing capabilities, allowing researchers to perform more complex calculations than ever before.
As simulations become more complicated and data-rich, computer power must increase exponentially to keep up.
The data center's design and construction have been groundbreaking. Technology firms were challenged to create a center capable of concentrating a high volume of computational power within a relatively small physical footprint.
This “high-density” design requires more efficient cooling, using water-based rear-door heat exchangers.
The center is being delivered through a design-build project method that enables a contractor and a designer to team up and work together under a single contract. As a result, The Whiting-Turner Contracting Company and Wendel combined resources to deliver a fully designed and constructed project.
“This relationship will expedite both design and construction, enabling the entire project to be completed in less than a year, including the vital commissioning phase after construction is complete,” said David Chinn, Virginia Tech capital project manager.
The system will use three-phase 415-volt power for energy efficiency and will include generator and uninterruptible power supplies for critical loads.
“We are extremely excited to work with Whiting-Turner and Wendel on this groundbreaking project. We are looking forward to delivering even more solutions to real-world problems with the answers this data center will generate,” said Laurie Coble, chief operating officer of the Biocomplexity Institute.


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FREE Eating Disorder Support Group!
FREE weekly eating disorder support group for adults struggling with food issues, staffed by therapists from Mirasol Eating Disorder Recovery Centers. Thursdays from 5:30-6:45 pm at 3116 N Swan in Tucson. For more information, call 520-546-3200 or email Ann at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Eating Disorder Stories
Share Your Personal Experience
Share your story with our online community. E-mail email@example.com with your poem, story, or other message regarding your personal experience with an eating disorder. Our staff will choose one periodically and post it online for others to read. Please note that not all submissions will be posted to the website and that by submitting you are granting Mirasol, Inc., a non-exclusive license to use the material submitted. Postings may be edited for length and style.
When my journey at Mirasol started I wasn't too excited about being there or getting better. My mind wasn't set on anything but numbers and worry of what people thought of me. The thought of having to share a room with other girls who had the same problem as me made me sick and I defiantly didn't want to admit to how bad my eating disorder was. I was so trapped that I didn't even know it and as my mother said I "was living in a box so small" and it wasn't filled with happiness or love, it was only filled with self-disgust.
After a long plane ride to Arizona I was very tired and didn't feel like meeting a bunch of new people who had my recovery in mind. When I walked into the door I only had to meet one nice person who helped fill out paperwork with me and my dad. To my surprise the inside of the house was absolutely beautiful and nothing like I had seen back home. It wasn't like my past treatments which were hospital like. After my tour of the house I met the other girls who were living there at the time which was scary for me because I had very bad self-esteem. Again, I was very surprised because there were only two girls there at the time which meant I only had two names to memorize. Everyone was very welcoming but not too pushy because I was new. The girls helped me get used to the program and were very kind to me.
When the work started I became homesick and sad but my therapist let me call my home often. I had a lot of family therapy sessions which terrified me at first because I didn't want to tell anyone the truth or the "hard things". Soon I became very willing and wanting to get better but I still wasn't very trusting. As I watched my friends leave and move on to a new life I knew soon it would be my turn, and when my family week came I was very anxious.
However, my family week was one of the most healing things that have ever happened to me and my entire family. We had a wonderful time doing Zuzi dance and the other activities, but the most healing part was psychodrama. My Dad and I had a very hard and distant relationship and at the end of the family program I felt how close we really always were and that communication was key. It's very hard to pinpoint just a few things that I have learned because I have learned so much.
When it finally became my turn to move on I had a hard time thinking of my new universe project. How could I portray my new world in one thing? So I decided to make two things combined: a drawing of my heart and all that is in it and a poem of the words within me.
My eyes can see,
My muscles can move.
I am lucky.
My nails can grow,
My lungs can breathe.
I am lucky.
My hands can write,
My brain can think.
I am lucky.
My smile can bring happiness,
My soul can fly.
I am lucky.
My arms can reach anything,
My heart can sing.
I am alive.
This is how I feel now. Since I have been home I have had to recite this poem many times to myself to remember all that life and my body is. I wake up and look in the mirror and smile because I can see who I truly am now. Even when I am down I can pull myself out and reach to my heart where I know the truth exists because my eating disorder isn't there! After having made this journey I know things about myself that I would have never known or accepted. I can now trust myself to take care of me in even the hard situations. I thank Mirasol, of course, for helping me to get where I am now but I also give myself props for doing the hardest most amazing conversion in my life.
"Taylor, come on out! We want to see what it looks like!" I pulled aside the dressing room's velvet curtain, exposing myself to the full length mirror that stood next to my impatiently waiting mom and Courtney, my sister. I opened my eyes, preparing myself for the disappointment so I could just try on the next dress. But what I saw was not something I was ready to reject. I stared at myself and my body as it was wrapped in the hot pink ball gown that complimented and flattered my every curve and contour. The dress seemed as if it was made for me. Tears crept forward from the backs of my eyes; I had never envisioned something so perfect. I had never envisioned finally being happy with my body.
More than six months earlier I stood leaning over the toilet seat, fingers down my throat and tears streaming down my face. Thoughts of all the foods I had eaten that day raced around in my mind, taunting me before coming back up out of my mouth. I sat back on my heels and took a breath. "Just one more time," I thought.
"That isn't enough. You have eaten so much. You don't want to gain more weight now, do you?" The devil that stood looking over my shoulder yelled at me, making me feel even guiltier than I was already feeling. But it was right. I leaned over again and shoved my hand down into the back of my mouth. Just one more t? Suddenly I heard a car door slam. Was my sister home already?! I rushed over to the sink and rapidly brushed my teeth. Glancing in the mirror, I saw that my eyes were beet red; partly from tears, partly from reflex. I quickly splashed some cold water on my face and stepped into the hallway just in time to see my sister walking up the stairs. I was breathless, my heart racing out of my chest.
"Are you okay?" Courtney asked, "Your eyes are red."
I'm fine." I said, wiping my hands on the back pockets of my jeans.
Days later I was sitting at my usual lunch table alongside my friends, although the food had long been cleared away except a few snacks still lingering around. The topic of the week was homecoming, only a few weeks away. As I was chatting, I reached across the table to grab one of the cookies only about an arm's length from me.
"You sure about that, Tay? With homecoming around the corner?" a friend questioned, unaware of what this seeming innocuous comment would trigger. I slowly brought my arm back to my side, unsure of how to react. My worst fear, someone asking aloud the thoughts that were consuming me 24 hours a day. I was embarrassed. I needed to get out now. Where was the closest bathroom? Which ones were empty? The ones in the science hallway towards the back of the school were a sure bet. But I couldn't hold back that long. My tears were coming faster than my legs could move so I stayed sitting in my seat, head buried in my arms as I tried to conceal my sobs. My friends, I knew, were very confused.
My friend, Jackie, turned to me.
Tay, are you okay? What's wrong?"
I faced her; I knew I needed to tell somebody. I couldn't let this go on anymore. I needed help.
"Can you take me to my counselor?" Jackie nodded.
Moments later, I was sitting on the worn, plaid-covered couch in the school physiatrist's office, tissue clutched in hand. I struggled trying to get the words out of my mouth. I had never before categorized myself as bulimic; never said it out loud. But once I did, my story poured out in sentences I had never pictured myself revealing to anyone but my journal. I felt so exposed, my darkest secret that I had kept to myself for nearly two years was now lying out in front of me and someone I barely knew, but it felt good to let it out.
"I'm going to get help," I thought.
Once the hard part was over, telling my parents and getting them through the initial shock, it was time to look for some professional help. My parents and school counselor were, of course, going to continue to be involved, but I needed someone who specialized in eating disorders. After a couple of tries, I finally found a therapist-nutritionist team who met my needs perfectly.
My therapist, Jen, and my nutritionist, Kathy, would work together to create a food plan and devise a list of strategies to help me work through those tough times. However, I had a lot to do on my end as well. The next few months I would be recording everything I ate, my thoughts after meals, when I had my episodes, and many other things that seemed tedious but would eventually lead me to my recovery.
The months that followed were the hardest I had ever lived through. I had never been so aware of my feelings and insecurities until they were pulled out from the back of my mind and sprawled in front of my face. I needed to learn to face my anxieties instead of ignoring them. I needed to learn how to organize my thoughts and contradict the bad with the good. Most importantly, though, I needed to create balance. As a bulimic, I was always walking on a tightrope and the slightest worry could cause me to slip and lose control. This balance involved juggling my school work, family time, food plan, job, boyfriend, and free time. I eventually would develop strategies and distractions to fill in the gaps; keeping myself busy was key. Slowly I felt safer while walking across this tightrope. My family and a few carefully selected friends were always there to spot me in case I felt like I was going to fall.
Months ago, I might have written this essay with a different outlook. Being a bulimic used to be something that
defined me. It was what I thought about every minute; it controlled thoughts, my moods, my actions, my life. But
now I am just a girl recovering from bulimia. Although my recovery has been far from perfect, it has given me a
greater sense of determination. My "eating disorder behaviors" have not completely disappeared and I am still
learning to control my thoughts, but I have come too far down to road to turn back now.
Being the victim of a tragic death of a brother, rape, abuse, and depression; I needed to find something I could control. This year, I had a heart attack the middle of algebra two class. Reason being? I hadn't had anything except for gum and Jolly Ranchers for 15 days.
I was quickly admitted into Forest View hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan, to seek help on the life threatening problem I was facing. In all honesty, I did not want help, I had control over ONE thing in my life; or so I thought. It's all so clear in my mind, many years ago, when I threw up for the first time. My mother had been caught cheating on my dad again and venom was being thrown in my house. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Looking in the mirror, I saw no reason to be alive; nothing about the reflection was beautiful. In the corner of the mirror was the reflection of the toilet. I sat on the floor crying for what seemed like hours before I actually did it. 12 years old, and I felt as though I had to be good at something and being attractive was what ED had chosen for me.
All control had been lost when I was 7 years old, my brother died and that same week, my cousin began his hobby of raping me. This went on until I was 12, when i started my period. Everything around me was collapsing, all I had was ED; he was my only friend. Sitting in class, focusing was just not an option ED was willing to let me have, all day he would spit at my self esteem. "No one loves you K," "See those girls whispering? They're talking about how fat you are," "I am the only thing you have," "All the guys voted you the ugliest in the school," "You are going nowhere in life." On and on, I heard those words 24/7, for 7 years.
In those years, I stopped once, for 6 months. Why? I fell in love. At age 15 I began dating my high school sweetheart. The first year of our relationship was just like a fairy tale. For the first time in my entire life, I felt truly beautiful. However, all good things come to an end. After a year, he broke up with me. We ened up back together but at that point I had already broken my sobriety and was again addicted to ED. We were together another two years after that and he never knew. He suspected on many occasions, but never figured it out. Once, he walked in on my throwing up and I panicked and told him I was pregnant. He believed me for months, planning, saving money, picking up shifts. He was perfect. How could I let myself do that? Needless to say when he found out he was just shattered. We broke up, and I still wasn't done hurting him. ED kept yelling at me, convincing me it was his fault. So what did I do? Harassed him to the point of blocking my number and facebook.
After that, I broke down completely. Starving myself as punishment is what it really was I believe. After my heart attack, while in the hospital, I met a girl. She was in there because of attempted suicide. We always say, "we found love in a hopeless place," because we became best friends in the 4 weeks we were both in there. Between her and my support group, they honestly saved my life.
After I was discharged, I felt like a million bucks. Came back to school expecting to receive hugs from all of my friends;
no. When I got back to school, my ex had completely destroyed my reputation. None of my friends would talk to me, people
would snicker when I walked by, and I felt honestly alone, again. To this day, I have no idea how i managed to stay
strong until graduation, but I did it. After that, however, while going open house hopping, I found out my ex had a
new girlfriend. Relapse happened faster than I could think. I never went back to the hospital, though I probably should
have, but I was seeing a therapist every day and was so high on anti depressants I couldn't even talk straight
half of the time. To this day, I struggle with depression very intensely. And to be honest, I still hear
ED almost every day, but I stay strong. I have post-it notes all over my mirror with recovery quotes on them,
reminding me that I am beautiful. I have no idea what is to come in the future but as for now I am
still trucking along and doing alright in my recovery.
I'm weary of filling the void in my life, anxiety is devouring my soul
I numb myself from hand to mouth the hunger is taking its toll
But if I stop to see who calls will fear have locked the door?
Where is the key to that part of me that knows life is so much more?
It's buried deep as deep can be beneath the layers of pain
My inner light is barely bright for my heart is drenched with rain
We all have our methods of coping we all have our weapons of choice
If we cast them aside and get off the ride can we free our inner voice?
We have much for which to be grateful, yet at times it seems we don't care
Our inner berating and self-medicating consumes us with despair
We cannot fight this battle alone or we're sure to lose the war
If we retreat we're admitting defeat without knowing what it was all for
If we close our eyes and open our minds we'll open ourselves to joy
And bit by bit without knowing it, ego we'll start to destroy
And as its hold on us loosens, so do the knots it has tied
And so we'll find as our truths unwind we no longer need to hide
We'll be free to shine for the world to see, free to live our dreams
Forever we'll know that wherever we go, it's never as dark as it seems
If we reach out a hand will help us, if we speak our call will be heard
Amazing grace puts us back in the race we have only to say the word
We all have a flame within us, though at times we don't always see
That spark of life between joy and strife is what's joining you and me
"Anorexix Nervosa #1"
Becoming an anorexic is like being caught in the darkness after each light has been sequentially extinguished. The power outage did not occur all at once; rather, the lights inside myself were extinguished one by one. Anorexia nervosa was an evolving entity, gradually becoming a more powerful, controlling, and encompassing presence in my life. I did not even really notice it all that much as signs of it appeared that summer before my sophomore year of college in 1996. It was like standing in the middle of a busy intersection at rush hour, just waiting for one or more of the speeding cars coming through to hit me.
Metaphorically, those cars were family, boyfriend, anger, sadness, guilt, indecision, self-hatred, and obsession with the body. The cars were not going to stop. They had gathered too much speed. It was too late to get out of the way. The compilation of their power and momentum was too much for me to resist or ignore anymore. So I got hit and the injuries developed into a wound that I attempted to cover up with a band-aid called anorexia nervosa.
Anorexia was a disease that was years in the making. However, I mark one night during the summer of 1996 when it was unleashed. I was on a trip through an organization I belonged to and I distinctly remember sitting in my hotel room ruminating about my fat legs. That night I permitted myself to eat only lettuce from the salad bar, but no more. I didn't want or need any more food. No more. No more!!! I had allowed myself to get fat, fat, fat, and that was equal in my mind to being out of control and slovenly and greedy. I was a horrible, selfish person because of how much I weighed. Even though I was a little below ideal body weight for my height, all I saw was chunky legs, a chubby face, and a protruding abdomen. I needed to try to avoid eating as much as possible.
Slowly but surely, the activities of each day gradually became a little more compulsive and a little more obsessive. Soon guilt began piling up no matter what I did. The amount of exercise in the morning was not enough. The amount of food I was eating was always too much. I could get by without all those extra calories, sugar, and fat that you found in juice, soda, spreads, snacks, and sweets. I became a master at cutting calories and avoiding food. Everything became low-fat. Then it became no fat. Then the protein disappeared. Gradually the list of acceptable foods shrank until I had developed a small arsenal of "safe" foods that I was allowed to partake of.
One can only fool the body for so long and mine was beginning to tell me that it didn't like how I was depriving it more and more each day. I didn't have the energy to complete my workouts and my running times continually got worse. Eventually it became tiring even to walk across a store parking lot. I was depressed even more than usual. I was angry and irritable and moody. I began to hate my activities and avoided parties, going out to dinner, and any social situations involving food. Food was the devil and I used several excuses to avoid eating it. The rules, rigidity, and rituals surrounding food became more complex and more engrossing and entrenching. I began to isolate myself and threw myself totally into school and work and of course my eating disorder. The lights went out one by one.
As anorexia made my body smaller, the size of my world and what I was allowed to have also decreased. Anorexia became a lifestyle. I was anorexic with my time, friends, relationships, possessions, recreation, fun, and laughter. I gave little to myself and thus I was resentful when I was expected to give to others. I stopped calling friends and they stopped calling me. Relationships disappeared one by one as my anorexia blossomed. Anorexia became my primary relationship and my only relationship. As diversions and friends departed from my life, I became more and more empty. My anorexia filled me up, but it ended up being uncontrollable and harmful in ways that I never could have predicted.
I started at the bottom of the anorexia totem pole and worked my way up to anorexic "success", losing 50 pounds from an already small body. All that aside, anorexia was a "fit" for me. It fit with my drive for perfection, my compulsiveness, my obsessiveness, my desire for organization, my racing brain, my perseveration, and my sense that I had to work twice as hard as anyone else to measure up. It filled me up. It gave me a high. Not eating gave me a high. Losing weight gave me a high. Exercising excessively gave me a high. Plotting, planning, organizing, and devising gave me a high.
Anorexia nervosa is supposedly about wanting to look like a model. I don't recall ever consciously wanting to be on a runway or in a magazine. I don't remember waking up every morning, telling myself that I needed to starve my body in order to look like a model or actress. I think I was past the I-just-want-to-be-thin stage. In fact, I don't think any magazine or clothing company would hire me with the way that I looked. My "figure" was like that of a little boy, nothing but straight lines. My hair was thin and my skin was dry, discolored, and easily bruised. My eyes had circles around them due to lack of sleep and peace of mind. A yellowish tinge sometimes highlighted my face. My eyes were full of some kind of nameless and groundless fear and anxiety. I shivered in the springtime in the desert. I was miserably cold in the winter. Something was not right about all this, but I still received compliments from complete strangers about how good I looked. One can never be too thin you know. At least that was the sentiment that American society seemed to portray.
I felt old and grouchy. I felt like I had skipped directly from childhood into old age. I was tired. I didn't seem to enjoy anything anymore. I didn't know what I liked, what I didn't like, or what I wanted to do. My brain hurt and my body hurt, but I didn't seem to feel much otherwise. I didn't believe my life could improve or that this eating disorder would ever make its exit from my life. I was sure of that. God was nowhere and I didn't really care. It was dark and I didn't know where to even face to begin to see the light again. I was bitter and angry and would do anything to get out of my skin and out of my body. Anorexia allowed me to escape my body, but I still had to look at it and feel it. I still had to silence my body's ever-increasing demands. Sometimes it was like a screaming child who couldn't take no for an answer. A little child doesn't understand rules and regulations and numbers and games.
I certainly didn't consider anorexia nervosa to be a real illness or disease. It was just all about food, right? The impression that I got from my family and friends was that anorexia was synonymous with failure and neglecting to live up to my full potential. Why couldn't I just get over it tomorrow? Why didn't I just eat? Why wasn't I like I used to be? Did I choose to embrace anorexia? If I had really chosen this malevolent dictator to become my best friend, then certainly I could rob it of its power. It was easy, right? I could stop being this way if I just got myself together and acted like I used to.
I spent a few years going to eating disorder support groups and individual counseling sessions, but I never was ready to commit to any kind of recovery plan. I was not prepared to give up anorexia, and the thought of having a healthy body and living without my eating disorder was horrifying to me. Through the help of several special people and friends, I came to realize that I was not really living anyway and could even lose what life I had. It took a few attempts at treatment for me to finally put my trust in God and people who truly could help me help myself. It was a leap of faith and I had no idea where I would land, whom I would be, and what I would look like. My identity had been completely defined by anorexia for years, so I had to first learn how to be a feeling human being again. Who would I be if I were not an anorexic? This was perhaps the one terrifying question that haunted me throughout my times at treatment. What was I going to do? What would I like to do? What didn't I like? How would I spend my time? How would I fill the huge gap the anorexia occupied? What would I be like if I wasn't numb? Who would love me? Perhaps most importantly, could I ever love myself?
As the weeks in treatment went by and the months that followed after my discharge revealed themselves, the mysteries of self began to unravel. No, answers and reasons did not just fall out of the sky. Yet to my surprise, I found that the more I let things just be, the less anxious I felt. The more I gave over my control and put my troubles and worries and questions at God's feet, the more I felt at peace. I found out that there was not just one answer to the question of who I would be if I did not have my eating disorder. I discovered that I am a human, a woman, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a lover, a student, a teacher, and a child of God. I am sensitive, intelligent, resourceful, capable, competent, passionate, determined, and creative. I am loved. I am full of unknown and undiscovered gifts, talents, and identities. There is no one else in the world who looks like me, thinks like me, does what I do, or feels what I feel.
I don't wake up anymore and wish the day were already over. I don't wake up anymore feeling like an empty shell that could fracture and collapse at any moment or any given word. I don't wake up anymore with the sinking feeling that the day ahead is going to be just like all the others. I don't wake up anymore feeling drained of energy and resilience. I don't wake up anymore with a hunger in my stomach and my body that I know I will not allow myself to satiate. I don't wake up anymore with loneliness and an emptiness I know I will never permit myself to fill. Sometimes now, I don't wake up until I want to or until I feel rested.
I don't just walk out the door in the morning not taking care of myself before I leave. I don't go through the day anymore knowing that I have to absolutely adhere to my plans and schedule. I don't punish myself for not getting everything crossed off on my list today. I don't turn away when I see someone I know. I don't let the answering machine pick up my phone calls. I don't feel that just simply talking to people is a waste of my time. I don't plan my days and my life around what I will eat or not eat. I don't feel like a frightened little girl. I don't feel weak. I don't feel exhausted mentally and physically. I don't apologize for myself a hundred times a day. I don't numb myself from feeling. I don't feel like I am waging a war inside my head all the time. I don't feel like I want to give up. I don't feel lifeless.
I have a God. I have a voice. I have a body. I have likes and dislikes. I have independence. I have choices and decisions to make. I have places to go and things to do. I have friends to love and new people to meet. I have relationships to be discovered and made. I have work to be done. I have people to help. I have people to help me. I have sights to be seen and memories to be made. I have joy, anger, sadness, hurt, frustration, jealousy, disgust, happiness, serenity, confusion, clarity, excitement, anticipation, disappointment, triumph, failure, fear, courage, and gratitude to feel. I have my power. I have my light. I have my darkness.
I don't have a lot of money. I don't have someone to come home to and love. I don't have a child. I don't have a house. I don't have a pet. I don't have a new car. I don't have a secure job. I don't have the most fashionable clothes. I don't have a lot of toys. I don't have the perfect body. I don't have a perfect family. I don't always like what I see in the mirror. I don't have a long list of great accomplishments. I don't know what I will be doing a year from now. I don't always know the answer. I don't always know what to say or do. I don't always do the right or the most loving thing.
I have a life. I have friends and loved ones. I have the ability to make what I need with God's help. I have dreams and goals. I have priceless experiences and memories. I have my calmness and my composure when things become difficult or awkward. I have the permission to cry or get angry later if I need to. I have options. I have opportunities. I have hope. I have talents and gifts to be discovered and molded. I have my body. I have my mind. I have my soul. I have my spirit.
Am I always perfect about remembering my commitment to recovery? Am I cured of all eating disordered thoughts and behaviors? Certainly not. Undoubtedly I am tempted again and again by the desire for a tiny body and that old sense of "safety". The difference between my mind now and my mind hypnotized by anorexia is that it has calmed down. Problems and emotions are no longer so overpowering that I feel debilitated by them. I know that I can figure out what I need to do with the help of God and others and my own experiences and competency. Obsessions and compulsions can still be rather powerful, but at least I can consciously remind myself later that fulfilling them does not dictate my worthiness or goodness. Peace of mind returns eventually. I am in charge of my life. God is in charge of my life. Anorexia is not in charge of my life.
I could not have come to these realizations or made this progress on my own. I used to think reaching out for help was a sign of weakness, but I soon realized that the opposite was the case. I received support, encouragement, understanding, challenges, and love along the way from counselors and fellow eating disordered women at a wonderful place called Mirasol. They never gave up on me and that helped me to never give up on myself and my recovery. Mirasol encouraged me to take a leap of faith into the unknown and gave me many glimpses into a life not dictated by an eating disorder. I was allowed to make choices within a safe, quiet, and nurturing environment. Mirasol gave me the tools to take back my life. They taught me how to deal with life, friends, and family without constantly turning to my eating disorder. I learned independence instead of codependence and light instead of darkness. I learned how multifaceted my identity and my gifts can be.
Do I like myself better now or as an anorexic? This is a difficult question sometimes for me. After trying to put the distortions in the mirror in perspective and countering the lies that anorexia tells me, I know that I would never want to be an anorexic again. Why? I cannot see all that I am if I am anorexic. I cannot see my identities as a woman, sister, daughter, friend, or lover. I cannot accept my gifts and talents because they are too threatening to the continued existence of anorexia nervosa. I cannot use my voice or my power as long as anorexia is dictating my life and my actions. I can either be anorexic or be all the things that I listed that I am. The choice may seem obvious, but it was not for me. I had to trust that as I left my small world, I would find something greater. I found that people are the ultimate healers. I am filling myself up in other ways, and this is constantly in flux. I am finding out who I am again without an eating disorder. I am not a number. I am not an object. I am not anorexia. I could not say any of these statements and believe them without the help I received at Mirasol.
"Anorexix Nervosa #2"
I have relied greatly on two features of my character over the years and spent the better part of my life convinced that, in the absence of anyone to trust, I could trust my brain to send the right messages and my firm character to carry those messages out into concrete action in a prompt and thorough manner. I have never been admired for my ability to carry a tune, run a fast mile, or solve quadratic equations. I have, however, heard others claim that they wished they could think as clearly as I do and control themselves with the kind of vigilance that I exhibit. Imagine my shock and horror, then, when I was faced with the reality that my reasoning and self-discipline were working together to help me slowly kill myself.
I entered Mirasol in May of 2002 at the age of 28 with a diagnosis of anorexia nervosa. I had been anorexic since I was 12. Clearly, one does not survive for 16 years in a bottomless freefall of starvation. I had my ups and downs, but I would always, without fail, return to my downs.
Recently married, I arrived at Mirasol telling everyone who would listen that I was only there because my husband seemed to think I had a problem and I did not want to cause him further pain and frustration. The child of two divorces, I can see a marital problem when it comes barreling towards me and I could tell there was a marital problem. Still I insisted that I was not truly anorexic.
In general, I am an extraordinarily unemotional person. I keep very tight control of my feelings and cry very little. My emotions are like the distant family members most of us see every few years at weddings and funerals. So, I had to wonder what the problem was when I cried every day for four days at the lunch table.
I would put my plate of food in front of myself and panic. I felt like I was going to die. I was sure that eating that lunch was the worst possible thing for me. As one of my fellow Mirasol clients pointed out, people who possess a normal relationship with food do not tend to cry at the lunch table every day for four days. This was my first indication that maybe my brain was not sending me the correct messages.
I can remember a time when the eating disordered voice was recognizable as an entity separate from my own voice. In the very early days of my disease, I was aware that new messages were creeping in and conflicting with the healthy messages I had hitherto heard in my mind. The eating disordered voice is seductive and often times starts with a benevolent goal in mind. I was twelve, unhappy, abused in a variety of ways, perfectionist, ignored, and ashamed of myself. There was no literal escape from my situation or myself so, like a painkiller, the eating disorder made all of it disappear. I felt nothing. Any time I did feel something, my brain would send me the message that I would feel better if I just restricted my food or engaged in any number of the myriad exercise regimes I had designed for myself. Just as we often internalize our parents' voices and start to sound like them as we age, I internalized the eating disorder voice to the point where it was indistinguishable from myself. I can remember a time when the eating disorder was distinct from my thoughts, but when I arrived at Mirasol I was many years past that point and no longer existed as a separate entity.
Perhaps the single most important moment for me at Mirasol was when my therapist finally convinced me that the eating disorder voice is not the same as my voice. This took an incredible amount of skill and patience on her part. I was resistant to any indication that I could not always trust my brain. I felt about my brain the way most people feel about their best friends. It was as if my best friend had tried to kill me. I felt confused and betrayed.
Once I came to see the eating disorder not as the wisdom from within but as a sort of opportunistic and lethal virus, I could start sorting out what to do about it. It is a cliché that addicts cannot help themselves until they want to get well. This was not true in my case. When I started eating again, I did not want to get well. I simply made a series of decisions. I decided that the message my brain sends me claiming that I do not have a problem with food was false. I decided that the message my brain sends me that the only way for me to feel better is to get rid of my body and that I will not die from trying to get rid of my body is false. I decided that, as much as I hated having a body, I did not want to die. I decided that, whenever my brain sent me those messages, I would ignore them. I knew this would be hard. I had never succeeded at ignoring those messages in the past. But, there I was, in the most safe, loving, supportive environment a person can hope for. I was lucky enough to have the resources and the time to be at an inpatient treatment facility like Mirasol and if I was ever in a position to make those decisions and stick with them, it was right then at that moment in time. So I did.
I stopped crying at lunch. I felt terrible eating. Every fiber in my being told me that the most terrible thing imaginable would happen to me if I ate. I was overcome by shame. I wanted to pull the flesh from my bones. But, I ate. I talked about my feelings, I drew strength from the other courageous women around me, and I told myself that the eating disorder had left the building. And so I began the road that I am on today that will continue for years to come. I have been following those decisions I made at Mirasol for 18 months now, the longest I have gone without engaging in my symptoms since I became anorexic at 12 years old.
I will not lie to you. I have a long way to go. I look forward to the day when I do not find the sight of my own body repulsive. I look forward to a time when I can eat without feeling ashamed. I hope for a time when I can truly say that I love myself exactly as I am. There is work to be done, to be sure. Still, I am controlling my behaviors for the first time in my life, I have rediscovered the part of my brain that I can trust and I use it to answer the eating disorder, I have gained a sort of freedom that I never thought I could have. I could have cured cancer in the time I spent thinking about what I would and would not eat and when I would or would not eat it. I have hours back in my day. I use these hours to do the work I love, sing stupid songs to my husband about our cat's paws, and nourish myself.
I owe this change in my life to my own hard work and determination, of course, but I used my hard work and determination to destroy myself in the past. The people at Mirasol are who get the credit for showing me that my hard work and determination were better spent on other endeavors. They gave me the tools I needed to make that possible and, above all, a safe place in which to begin that shift.
Where once my reasoning told me to use my self-discipline to get rid of myself, it now tells my self-discipline to work hard at keeping me well. I am slowly learning to trust myself again now that I am back in myself.
I want to say this to whoever may read this story: recovery is not easy. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in a life of hard things. Women with eating disorders, however, are strong women. We are fiercely courageous. We need only turn that courage towards healing ourselves and we can make it through anything. I often imagine myself with a spine made of steel. In the moments when I start to lose my recovery nerve, I go inside and find that steely core and I draw the strength I need to stay on track. I found that core at Mirasol. I found the strength to fight my way back from this disease at Mirasol. I found the love, support, and understanding I needed to take these pivotal steps at Mirasol. I firmly believe that I would not have been able to do so without the Mirasol experience in my life.
When I think about what it has been like to have an eating disorder, the first word that comes to mind is shame. I became bulimic early in college. I knew I had an eating disorder, and I knew I couldn't tell anyone. What would people think of me if they knew that I binged and purged for no apparent reason and was helpless to stop. At first, the binging and purging behaviors were infrequent, but as I progressed through college and beyond, the eating disorder behaviors increased in intensity and frequency. At times, I would try to change the behavior on my own but was powerless to do so; I felt I lacked the willpower to stop the binging and purging and to be normal. After two years of this, I finally told my parents, asking for help. I made no progress with the therapist I saw for the summer and returned to school. The relationship between my parents and me was awkward - they didn't talk about the eating disorder and neither did I. Consequently, I soon assured them that I was fine, and kept the eating disorder secret for the next eight years.
Throughout those years, it seemed I was able to keep the eating disorder behavior separate from the rest of my life. There were many parts of life that were genuinely good; however, I was also in my own private hell. I did well in college, went to graduate school, got married, and engaged in life. Yet there was this terrible part of myself that I agonized over in private. I knew it had to stop, but I felt helpless. As the feelings of helpless and hopelessness intensified, I wished more and more that I would cease to exist, that something would happen to me, and that it would all be over. I couldn't see any other way out. I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't kill myself. The eating disorder hadn't killed me. I absolutely hated myself.
At some point, I found that I could not deal with this any more. I couldn't live with the constant anxiety and depression. I either had to tell someone and ask for help or kill myself. Either way, I just couldn't continue as I had been. I decided to tell my husband, to whom I had been married for five years. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do because of the fear of how he would react and what he would think of me. I knew how much I hated myself and how disgusted I was with myself; how could he feel any differently. Telling him was the first step in my recovery. He was compassionate and supportive. When I was ready to see a therapist, he made the calls that I was unable to make. I knew I needed to talk to someone, yet shame prevented me from being able to take that step on my own. (I later discovered that others too would be understanding and sympathetic given that chance. When I told a few people what was happening, they could empathize because they knew others who had gone through their own battles with eating disorders and/or they had faced struggles in their own lives. I was surprised at how understanding and supportive people were. This released some of the shame.)
Working with the therapist, I began to understand how the eating disorder helped me cope with anything and everything for all of those years. I learned that it wasn't about food and could not be solved through will power. The eating disorder behaviors, anxiety, and depression continued; however, being able to talk to someone who was understanding and accepting helped me to begin to have some hope, sometimes. When I felt completely hopeless, was certain that I would never get through this, and felt like giving up, my therapist helped me to continue because she did not give up on me. I couldn't trust myself, but I could put my trust in someone else.
It became clear that outpatient treatment was not enough, and I entered Mirasol's inpatient program. Focusing on recovery twenty-four hours a day was difficult. The eating disorder had been my means of avoiding feeling anything, and by going inpatient, I gave up that coping mechanism. As hard as it was to be there at times, it was also a relief. I could let go of the control of food and trust the nutritionist. I was with other women with similar experiences. I found that I could endure sometimes intense feelings and emotions. Prior to going to Mirasol, much of what I discussed with my therapist I understood or believed from a rational point of view, and these things began to feel true while at Mirasol - that the eating disorder was a coping mechanism and did serve a purpose despite its consequences, that I was okay as I was, that I could forgive myself . . . Once I understood and accepted the role that the eating disorder had played in my life, I could begin to forgive myself and stop beating myself up because of it. I could let go of the shame.
It has been about a year since I left inpatient treatment, and there have been many highs and lows in recovery. Fortunately, I've received continued support from my husband, my therapist, friends from Mirasol, and others. One challenge has been accepting that recovery is not perfect, at least mine isn't. When I experienced a relapse, I fell back into the intense feelings of shame and self-hatred. I got out of it only when I was able to forgive myself and let it go. It also was important for me to try to be present and focus on now, rather that beat myself up over the past or live in fear of when I might relapse again. It's difficult at times because certain reactions, even though they are harmful, are automatic and seemingly more comfortable. Sometimes when I've felt particularly anxious or vulnerable, I react by feeling there's something wrong with me and ultimately hating myself, and sometimes thoughts of food arise. I guess the illusion is that these things are more comfortable or easier to handle than strong feelings of anxiety or vulnerability. Fortunately, I've experienced more and more that when I let myself be vulnerable and present, and when I can let things go, I'm okay. The freedom of living without an eating disorder feels really good.
It sounds odd, but throughout recovery, I've learned how to live. I learned to have patience, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness for myself, that it's okay to let things go, that it's okay not to be perfect, that there's nothing wrong with me . . . that I can open myself up and be vulnerable. If I just give myself a break, do the best I can, let things go, and treat myself with compassion, I'll be okay.Subscribe to Our Newsletter

domain: literature


text:
The City Manager is appointed by the City Council and is responsible for implementing and carrying out the policies of the Council. As the chief executive officer of the City, the City Manager supervises operations, directs departments and services, and enforces the laws and policies as adopted by the City Council.
The City Manager’s Office coordinates:
- Human Resources
- Legislative Advocacy
- Public Affairs and City Commerce
The office of the City Manager is the primary contact for providing current information to the public, the media, and City employees.
Every day City employees interact with hundreds of residents, businesses and visitors in the course of their job. Employees may feel that they are “just doing their job”, but sometimes that interaction has such a positive impact, it prompts our citizens to send along a word of thanks.
Here are some highlights from letters we have recently received:

domain: sociology


text: Carly Wijs has written and created plays, and has performed as a film and theatre actress with Wim Vandekeybus/Ultima Vez, Guy Cassiers, Josse De Pauw, De Roovers, KOPERGIETERY, Muziektheater Transparant et al. Her productions have toured internationally. She is regularly invited to be a guest lecturer at the RITS and P.A.R.T.S. (both in Brussels). Her first novel The Doubtexperiment was published in May 2016 and nominated for the Flemish debut prize: The Bronze Owl. Us/Them won her an Edinburgh Fringe First at the 2016 Festival.

domain: entertainment


text:
One of singer James Brown’s daughters, Yamma Brown Lumar, allegedly tried to kill her husband with a butcher knife on the eve of her father’s burial, according to
Yamma Brown Lumar was arraigned in
Yamma’s husband, Darren Lumar, reportedly told authorities that the couple had argued and struggled when she broke free, went to the kitchen to get the knife and then stabbed him in the right forearm as he tried to stop her.
JB’s daughter claimed she was only acting in self-defense, but her husband said “she was going for my chest. I have no doubt that woman was trying to kill me.”
Neeedless to say, the couple are in the midst of divorce proceedings.


Using a 2 kW CO2 laser, thin silica coatings have been deposited on steeply inclined Incoloy 800H substrates traversed beneath the incident laser beam. The small angle of incidence (10°C-15°C) of the beam on the substrate resulting from the large angle of incline gave reduced substrate heating and eliminated melting of the substrate surface, but allowed melting of the silica powder injection into the focus of the beam. The focus was positioned above the substrate and the molten powder was allowed to fall onto the laser-heated substrate below. By making overlapping passes, complete surface coverage was achieved over a large area, the coating thickness being 2-3 μm; this overlay filled points of surface roughness to give the component a microscopically smooth outer appearance. The silica coating formed a good bond with the metallic substrate; adhesion appeared to be improved by having a slightly a rough finish rather than a highly polished one. Resistance to sulphidation attack was assessed by placing coated samples in a furnace containing a mixture of gases as in a simulated coal gasifier heat exchanger atmosphere at 450 and 750°C. Sulphidation resistance was greatly improved from that of the untreated alloy and the coating did not spall or crack for the period of the test; the few sulphides observed were probably formed at small discontinuties in the coating which may be eliminated by applying a second silica coating.


text:
In the world of Yono and the Celestial Elephants, people believe that elephants are sent to prevent chaos and are a sign of good things to come. Basically, elephants are viewed as gods and act as such in this universe, with people going as far as building a monastery dedicated to transcribing their deeds throughout history.
Yono, the player character and protagonist, is a young elephant that is seemingly sent from cosmos to help people in need. The characters that populate the world greet Yono with excitement, as most of them have never seen an elephant—the last time one showed up was hundreds of years ago. While Yono isn’t aware of his purpose at the start of the game, he was born kind hearted and wants to help any and everybody he meets. Yono is one charming chap, for sure.
The game is split up nearly evenly into two different but similar types of gameplay.
In cities, Yono will be asked by the townspeople to help them locate or deliver items, which is rarely more than simply exploring the town till the items are found, picking them up with Yono’s trunk, and carrying them on his back to their destination. Characters will reward Yono with money which can be used to buy a plethora of adorable in-game skins, such as a green tunic and hat just like Link’s from The Legend of Zelda, or more simple designs like polka dots, clouds, or stars. Heart pieces can also be collected and combining four of them will earn an extra hit point.
Otherwise, the rest of the game involves completing puzzles that almost all consist of sliding boxes to the correct areas to advance, while also fighting a few enemies and bosses. The puzzles never get very difficult, with only one or two rooms in the last dungeon requiring much thought. The same could be said about the bare bones combat that only consists of pressing an attack button that makes Yono rush forward and head butt enemies. If you’re looking for engaging puzzles or challenging combat, look elsewhere, as those found in Yono couldn’t possibly be more simple and basic.
Perhaps the simplicity is because the game is intended for kids or more casual players. At least that is what I thought when I first started the game and noticed all the characters were extremely polite to each other saying things like “sir” when addressing Yono, whom they had just met. However, the story eventually deals with a race of living corpses (think cute skeleton-like people) and stopping election fraud in a vote by a race of sentient robots deciding whether or not to go to war with the human city. Also, one character says “damn” at one point which felt very out of place compared to the rest of the game.
That said, I wouldn’t say anything here is offensive, just that Yono deals with themes you don’t typically see in games geared towards kids. Honestly, this gives me hope for the future if games aren’t afraid to teach younger players about treating each other with respect, the importance of democracy, and how life isn’t always black and white. Without spoiling anything, at one point Yono does something that he believes is the right thing to do at the time, but then questions whether or not it was the correct choice, as it may have benefited oppressors. I believe that is what my fellow millennials call “being woke” and was easily my favourite moment in this game.
My biggest complaints with Yono are the lack of Nintendo Switch pro controller support and the sound effects. You know those loud and low-quality sound effects you’ll sometimes hear in intrusive ads for mobile games? That is the quality you can expect here. I’m not sure if the sound effects are just low quality or if the developers failed to equalize the volume levels causing them to sound blown out, but I cringed nearly every time I had to attack an enemy due to the sound effect that plays when a successful blow is landed.
Yono and the Celestial Elephants is a simple and cute Zelda-like title lasting around four to five hours. The puzzles are basic and the combat that doesn’t reinvent the wheel, but the game is still enjoyable if you can look past said simplicity and some truly terrible sound effects.

domain: game


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I felt like a change up of my blog colours and graphics, I hope you like them!
Onto the main event! I saw this over on Siobhan Novelties and it looked like a load of fun, so I’m tagging myself.
Three Read Once and Loved Authors
Naomi Novik – I read ‘Uprooted’ and immediately fell in love with her writing!
Elle Kennedy – I discovered her ‘Off Campus’ series and I didn’t look back.
Jo Spain – I read her most recent book ‘The Confession’ this year and it was spectacular! Definitely the best thriller writer I’ve ever come across.
Three Titles I’ve Watched But Haven’t Read
Three Characters You Love
Nova – I’ve gushed about Renegades by Marissa Meyer SO much since I read it last year and Nova has become one of my fave characters. She’s completely bad ass and a bit broken inside and I desperately need to continue her story!
Hermione – Who hasn’t read/watched Harry Potter and immediately related to this brainiac. She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s caring, she fights for what’s right and she has a mean punch!
Lira – You should know by now that I have an obsession with mermaids/sirens and Lira from To Kill A Kingdom is by far my favourite. She’s delightfully devious, stunning and won’t hesitate to rip out your freaking heart!
Three Series’ Binged
Three Unpopular Bookish Opinions
I really don’t like Sarah J Maas! I’d never heard of her when I read A Court Of Thorns & Roses, which I loved, but I’m hearing a whole lot about her these days and my opinion has altered. I still love that series, although I haven’t finished it and will not be doing, but in my opinion there’s just too much of her everywhere and she isn’t THAT good, you know?
There are too many book – movie adaptions. Whist it’s great seeing your favourite book come to life on screen, it’s done too often and a lot of the time they completely butcher the book!
Fandom bashing. Please stop hating on people for not liking a certain book or author! Everyone is entitled to an opinion and you don’t have to be so enraged by it.
Three Current Favourite Book Covers
Three Goals for the Year
- Continue to post 2-3 times per week on my blog.
- To read ALL of my current Netgalley arcs (here’s hoping)!
- To read more of my actual bookshelf instead of just new releases.
That’s probably one of my favourite tags this year, it was so much fun!
Hope you enjoyed! Until next time ❣


text:
MUCH happiness surrounded the grand opening of Australia’s Broadbeach Bowling Club on the Queensland Gold Coast today (9 June 2016).
Host of the past three world junior championships, and site of the sport’s richest event, the $250,000 Australian Open Championships, this picturesque surfside venue has undergone a stunning make-over which commenced six months ago.
The Broadbeach Bowls & Community Club is now transformed into a showpiece of which everyone involved in the project can be justly proud. Special congratulations must be showered on club chairman Barry Gilbert, along with wife and fellow director Colleen Gilbert, for their drive and determination to make their club the centre of bowls excellence that became a reality today.
All is now in readiness for the 2018 Commonwealth Games bowls competition and the 2020 World Championships to be conducted on the club’s four magnificent greens.
Photo: Broadbeach chairman Barry Gilbert and wife Colleen with Mr John-Paul Langbroek, State Member for Surfers Paradise, at today’s official opening.