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+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0000", "text": "tw suicide and self harm so about month ago i had a failed suicide attempt which resulted in my week stay at the psych ward at the time i wa enrolled a a full time student in my senior year when i came back from my hospital stay i found that my school had little to no accommodation so i fell incredibly behind on my work this led to me failing my first class ever prior to this my gpa wa above a and threw my projected graduation date off since then i started a new semester and i again find myself in danger of failing another class required for graduation i feel like my depression make it impossible to succeed in my class every day i have suicidal thought and i ve been cutting myself more than usual i don t know what my next move should be add another semester i still have class left after i fail the one i m currently in i feel like i just want to drop out or else i might legitimately kill myself before i graduate", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 186, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0001", "text": "i ve been super depressed this year sure but i don t think it s gon na come yet i remember when i wa young when robin williams killed himself it really shook me because like i understood like my response wasn t being sad necessarily it wa well i get it it s weird i don t know i almost don t even feel emotional saying this one time a couple week ago i wa smoking weed and my heart kind of skipped a beat in a weird way and i thought good i wa like this would be an easy way to solve everything like it would be a relief to die then and there people don t think that right that s weird that i thought that why don t i fantasize about good thing anymore why don t i have oscar acceptance speech in my mirror why don t i think about my dream girl all i ever think about is how hard it ll be to get where i want to be and how i ll probably be when i meet the loml and i ll have no time to do anything fun with her anyway all i ever imagine is the bad stuff i think if you told me that there wa some kind of afterlife that some religion wa right i d do a little research to know what to expect and then probably jump out a window it just make sense right like what am i living for here yeah yeah i have friend and family that love me cool but is that really what s keeping me here guilt that s not a great reason for living and then it just get me it s like am i gon na work for another decade before i can get to a place i wan na be am i gon na be going on 0 by the time i m actually feeling progress in the meantime what the heck happens am i just sad and hurt all the time not worth it i wish i could just learn what my fate wa going to be so i could make an informed decision on whether i should be alive or not i don t know i m not gon na do anything now but like i feel like this isn t normal to think about", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 408, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0002", "text": "i don t know if this is the right place to write this but before quarantine 0 9 i just thought i wa an introvert and just a very organized and methodic person but then on quarantine i started to realize that i seem to get a lot more anxious than most people and always keep thinking about stuff that happened a second ago always think about what someone s thinking about me if i did or said something wrong always think about everything that can go wrong everywhere i go memorizing the menu a week before etc and i thought the problem for a big part of the anxiety wa online class and being stuck at home with my parent they re nice tho so when i finally got to go do an exchange semester abroad i get to be outside all the time i meet new people gt the freaking anxiety is still here and that make me think that nothing is gon na make it go away but i need it to go away cause i feel like i am an introvert but i make one wrong move i just go from quiet introvert to weird and lose all the people i met i mean met that s really the right word because i just can t seem to do the right thing i don t know some of my roommate that got here the same week a me go out every night with friend and i m just stuck at the same awkward convo phase and it s not like that i scared to talk to people or i don t like talking to people i do it s just when i come back home i start to rethink every single word that i said and blame myself for the smalled little mistake i m just really lost sometimes i think what i do how i think is normal but then it doesn t i didn t even know what anxiety wa until a year or so ago so", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 351, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0003", "text": "i have been suffering from an eating disorder anorexia anorexia nervosa since i wa yo i m in my early 0 now about a month ago i had an issue with my chinese takeout that heighten not only my ed but my anxiety level too i constantly fear that everything i eat will cause stomach ache or make me sick so i m cautious to eat anything anymore i have slowly been on the road to recovery with my ed so this made me take step back rather than moving forward it ha also caused me to lose sleep at night and when i do end up sleeping i wake up with awful anxiety my anxiety ha been overwhelming because a day doe not go by where i m not excessively panicking i can t even go out of my house without breaking down it is so bad that i only ever feel safe in my own room i feel like i m trapped in this on going cycle with no kind of exit i am desperate to find a solution to my problem but therapy ha not worked for me nor medication i have no idea what i need to do to better my food anxiety and general anxiety i do my absolute best to not think about it all of my issue but it s so damn hard when my body say otherwise ha anyone suffered from this did you find anything that helped alleviate your anxiety or ed any helpful advice is welcome", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 265, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0004", "text": "i don t want to d e but also don t love the idea of being alive i feel like im just existing my life somehow sound really cool on paper and in real life it s extremely meh im in a long term relationship working in entertainment like i always wanted for myself living in new york i have some solid friend but none of it feel good am i just an entitled brat i feel no excitement anymore im just constantly working on arbitrary goal that i set for myself so i don t just lay in bed all day call it high functioning i don t really want to keep doing this whole thing i m tired and over it and i ve gone through too much shit this past year and i am still dealing with ptsd and sa stuff and i just feel like i don t want to deal with it anymore i want to give my life to someone else and go live on a beach somewhere and i know that life is hard and i hate that i wish it wasn t so hard i m not strong enough to keep fighting i want to give up seeking advice please or some word of wisdom or something how do i find my spark again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0005", "text": "last week at a family st patrick s day party i got drunk and took the rest of my antidepressant idk how much it wa but it wa at least more than half the bottle left i realized what i did wa stupid because there were kid around and i didn t want my little cousin seeing me od so i told my aunt and she took me to the er that wa thursday night i don t remember anything after getting to the er i wa completely out of it and i didn t wake up until saturday morning i wish i didn t survive and i ve been in the hospital since then because there aren t any bed available for outpatient program i m just waiting for a bed i don t want to go to a psych ward i ve already been admitted other time for suicidal ideation this wa my first time attempting i don t think life is worth living and i don t mean that for just me i think for anyone life is so fucking mundane and pointless i don t want to do any of it i don t want to live so i can work and pay bill for the rest of my life what s the point in that and none of the people that i genuinely care about have reached out to me that know i od d which break my fucking heart it s like they don t even care i ve been so depressed for so long i don t want to fight anymore and i don t think it s fair for people to ask me stay when they know i m suffering i ve given up already i don t think i ll ever get my will to live again i m literally dead inside and i have nothing to live for", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 324, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0006", "text": "the suicide hotline take hour to respond i ve fucked up every relationship that i had by trying to be funny and the other person being creepy and lied to everyone i know why should i continue self harm doesn t do anything anymore nothing brings me joy i have no future because of my mental problem really why do i stay here the one reason i still live is because around new year an online friend of mine at the time attempted suicide i got so fucked up then i couldn t function properly for a week i couldn t talk to anyone the one reason i am still here is because i thought people would feel that way about me but a ive lived and breathed i have come to realise that isn t true my friend will be glad i am not around them the only disappointment they will feel is that they don t have a vulnerable little shit to kick around my family will be glad that the failure in the family is finally gone and the school will pretend to be sad for a month make it about how mental health is important tell people to be kind about one another then forget about me i won t stand out im another human being in the 00 billion that exist i don t even know if im real i don t want to be here so might a well leave", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 247, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0007", "text": "i dont think my friend are bad people which for some reason hurt to type i cant stand them anymore though im a class clown so everyone think im so outgoing and can talk to people but to be honest i put on a mask i think people are only my friend because im funny im only a joke and not an actual person if i make a self deprecating joke ill be showered with fake compliment or joke about me because you play game or call a group chat im in doesnt make u real friend ive never had a genuine conversation with anybody i know from school or online the closest ive felt to having friend wa talking to someone about a game on omegle nobody actually hang out with me either im in a group chat and somebody call it or someone feel bad and invite me somewhere two of my friend have messed up plan several time with me and dont invite me anywhere now is this some weird fucking pity thing i dont understand anything about them it genuinly upset me and any small comment or joke ruin my day they dont think about these thing but i do maybe they dont bring it up i dont either but atleast they have people to comfort them they can believe whatever garbage they say to eachother but i know any compliment i get is a lie and fake they just like me being funny and telling joke sometimes ill stay in factimes alone after everyone left it usually me and one person left and then they leave im so fucking alone the worst part is i dont fit with anybody in my class there a trans ki in my class and i dont think theyd accept me with how they talk sometimes the others might not either and i know my family 00 wouldnt they all say homophobic shit from time to time and everyone in my family are not my age but much older they all seem like they would treat me differently im so scared i cant go to anybody and i dont like the idea of venting online but here i am", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 382, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0008", "text": "i just want to disappear i don t know how to start this but i just want to disappear disappear from my life from everything from everyone i feel so alone and i can t talk to anyone personally in my life because it s hard to admit that i m struggling mentally it s hard for me to tell people i want to disappear from their life a i fear they will take it personally i m just tired of my life i m tired of the battle i constantly have to face and the struggle it give me the idea of disappearing feel like weight is lifted of my shoulder and i can breathe again the idea feel so calm and relaxing a that is all i ve ever wanted peace it s easy for me to think that no one will care that i m gone no one will look for me or try to search for me but i know that s no true so i stay i stay to exist another day to deal with life s problem and the anxiety i feel with it because everyone ha to deal with life why can t i so i disappear in my thought a all i have to escape from everything and everyone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 217, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0009", "text": "i know for a fact i have an anxiety disorder i ve been diagnosed i ve been taking med for it for year now but a of recent thing feel like they re getting worse the more i find way to manage it the more it feel like my body throw a new curveball at me i also have been wondering about adhd which i display a lot of symptom of and have been looking into getting a diagnosis for that i have chronic pain and fatigue been dealing with it since i wa and i m 9 now so it s mostly manageable but i feel like since i conquered that and know how to avoid flare ups and treat them my body is coming up with new way to torment me now i ve found that whenever i get really stressed or anxious i itch and not just a normal run of the mill itch it s an insatiable deep crawling sensation that is impossible to ignore i get it the worst on my foot i scratch and scratch and scratch and it never get better and when it s really bad i m left with cut and scrape from scratching so much it s so emotionally and physically painful it hurt so badly because i know it s not real and that my brain is doing this to me but i still feel it and it won t go away i m literally having a breakdown right now because of it i m making this post because i just need to scream into the void and i want to know if anybody else deal with this if you do you re not alone i just don t know how to make it better i hate this feeling so much this all started btw because i couldn t figure out a chest harness for myself i don t know how to make it stop and it s driving me nut", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 337, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0010", "text": "i m so tired of the inertia of my life this never going anywhere meaningful for me i think about all the thing i d love to be doing and grow angry that certain circumstance constrain from doing them i hate that life is 9 doing thing because other people coerce you to do them i would like to feel like i have agency but you have very little when you re slaving away to just survive the worst thing is that this bid for survival is artificial and man made human being hate that other human have free will and must wring the autonomy from each other they use money and debt to control every aspect of your life they create law to tell you what to do with your body life and time i just want to do what i want to do with my finite life i want to accomplish what i want to accomplish not conform to society s view of materialistic success i want to live my life unencumbered by other people s stupid judgment i want to be free edit i m sorry if the above is incoherent i just feel so trapped in my life so helplessly trapped", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 215, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0011", "text": "i graduated in 0 9 and since then i moved back home and have been living in my room aside from going place with my family when they would force me and emotionally manipulate me to go which worsened my mental health my mum keep putting pressure on me to go with her to a spa or something even though i tell her it s not good for my mental health for her to try and manipulate me or guilt trip me to do thing with her when she ha friend and sister she can ask to do that with last year of university during the last semester i became mute and forgot how to talk to people because i wa alone and isolated i m socially awkward shy and my self esteem and confidence are none existent i prefer being alone but don t necessarily enjoy my own company i just prefer it to being around others i wa happy when lockdown happened because it meant everyone wa stuck at home like me and we could all be miserable together summer is coming which is my least favourite season because everyone s out and about laughing and having a good time and i m always home alone i don t want to live this way being all depressed anxious and suicidal i want to live and enjoy my life and remaining 0 i turn in a few month what can i do like what step can i start to take to be more confident self loving and go out more also what sort of thing can i do on my own or to find friend and a boyfriend please don t suggest online dating because for some reason i can t download any of the apps on my phone anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 306, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0012", "text": "add as ptsd and general anxiety ive been on medication for my add a long a i can remember but after a let call it a mental breakdown i had a few week ago and spend the week after on xanax i am finally on anti depressant after saying no for over year they re supposed to help with my anxiety after a trauma i recently went through and it s helping my anxiety yes but it s scary af cause it a if i m on a tiny bit of party drug and everything seems fine even when i notice it isn t when there is an issue or a problem i used to see 9 bad thing happen all at once and felt the need to prepare myself for all of those 9 but now i can sort of calmy ass the issue and find a solution without the 9 possible scenario taking over my emotion and cognitive skill neurologically speaking i fully understand what the drug are doing to my brain scary and anxiety like thought get filtered now but who decides what to actually filter what if i m driving again and i see someone walking in front of my car and it s filtered not a danger very black and white question idk how else to make it clear anyway i wrote a poem about it hope there s someone out there understanding my question cause my therapist definitely doesn t and my shrink is on holiday it s weird not noticing what s changing in my brain but to know something is probably for the better but what if i don t like this person this new brain and way of thinking so many what ifs still even on this tiny pill that s changing me into something someone i m scared of even meeting but can never run from", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 326, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0013", "text": "i have no friend that i enjoy spending time with i m about to go through my second messy breakup in the past two year the last of which got me diagnosed with ptsd my family ha done nothing but ignore me emotionally for my entire life and i fucking want out i m live with my parent because i m a minor and have lived in the country very far away from people for year now i don t really have any dream or ambition and i have had depression and anxiety for a long a i can remember i m tired of everything and i just want it to stop i m behind in schoolwork and i m just recovering from an antidepressant that worsened my feeling my school is online and i don t really have any option to interact with people other than my parent now that my partner is breaking up with me nothing really brings me happiness and i just feel like there s nothing i m going to do in life i don t want to go to college or really be successful all i really want to do is to find love but i m not even sure if that s a good ambition anymore especially since no one would actually stay with me i don t know what to do anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0014", "text": "my friend recently gave me this very beautiful stained glass flower and i really like it but my brain just can t accept that it is a nice gift my brain keep thinking oh it wa actually meant for someone else she had a crush at the time she said she brought it but he turned out to be an asshole or it wa just some trashy item she brought at a cheap market or any number of these thing i know it s stupid to think these thing and i have no reason to think them i think i am just scared to put my emotion into this gift in case it turn out to be fake logically i know i should just believe her and even if it is just some rubbish from a pawn shop the fact that she s given it to me a a gift is what matter even if is the worst case scenario i wouldn t actually be that hurt and i would still like the gift i guess it s just the fear of being fooled or taken advantage of that is scaring me i don t want to really treasure this gift and then get the rug pulled from under me how do i go about actually appreciating this gift", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 222, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0015", "text": "im talking about the kind of depressive episode where you lay in bed all day for day week and struggle to find energy motivation for simple functioning such a eating and showering just lay sit there having negative thought and feeling hopeless useless and pathetic i have these episode a few or so time a year my question is do you generally have something in your mind that feel like the obstacle you need to cross to start the process of getting out of your depressive episode for example sometimes for me i just feel like if only i could completely clean my house i d start to feel better other time it might be something else on my to do list or a few thing i feel are the obstacle to feeling better the obstacle always seem insanely mundane but also impossible to do in my state a if i d have to put on a ton of body weight and get up and do it with all that extra weight and already feeling fatigued it bizarre because ive noticed over the year that completing whatever it is that i ve decided a my obstacle is generally the st step to leaving my major depressive episode i can t describe the mental workout it is to get something done sometimes though like i may attempt to get it done time in a week to just end up giving up and going back to bed i m just wondering if anyone else get this and set up hurdle type thing for themselves when they are super depressive and do you ever eventually complete your obstacle amp doe it help you to coming out of the episode", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 289, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0016", "text": "i have bi polar disorder and per my therapisti have dismisive atrachment issue but right now i am struggling probably worse than i have in a while in a drunken fit i deleted almost all of the number in my phone so i had no one to reach out to i even called by sister but found myself hanging up after the first ring because i don t want to bother her i am in a low point right now and i can t pull myself out of it i feel so weak my life is the best it ha ever been i have all of the reason to be happy and yet i am here i right now contemplating feeling like i am at the end of my rope i have the life i have always dreamed of and i just feel like i can t hack it anymore i can feel myself breaking at the seems my thought are everywhere i do y know where i am at right now but i am scared i feel like of i reach out to my family they will say i am doing it for attention", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 199, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0017", "text": "i feel like i ruined my life by not taking my education seriously during high school i m unemployed and have zero goal in life i m not diagnosed with anything but i suspect that i have social anxiety depression and maybe add i have a really low self esteem regarding my intelligence but i am putting the effort into improving i m watching video and taking note on youtube about topic that i know i missed during high school in a way i do feel proud of myself but i find myself constantly pausing the video to look up a word that is unknown to me word that i feel like i should already know a an adult and i feel stupid and begin self loathing because of it i don t do this with just word though i also do this with just about any topic that i m not knowledgeable in there s just so much that i m embarrassingly unaware of all ranging between the science to world history to economics to politics to mathematics to literature even to basic english grammar there s just so much that i missed and i m feeling too overwhelmed by it all i don t know where to start to make matter worse i feel like i m being timed to learn all of these thing a i said earlier i m unemployed and i m living off of my saving i suppose i could get a job but i lack any real world skill i have nothing worthy to offer to any potential employer hiring me would just be an act of charity then there s also the fact that i m too shy to even talk to people i m afraid to open my mouth because i might reveal how stupid i truly am i have no one to talk to about this stuff because i know i ll just hear response like welp you shoulda payed more attention in school yeah i know that already what do i do now live a long miserable life until i finally succumb to old age well in that case i might a well just end it now there s no real point to this post aside from me venting a little i guess for the sake of asking a question what advice would you give to someone looking to homeschool himself i did graduate from high school btw don t ask me how because i don t know either", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 428, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0018", "text": "i wish people didnt give up on me so quickly because of how shy i am i wish they didnt view me a cold or mean because i never knew what to say so i just kept to myself i wish people didnt call me weird because i find it difficult to make eye contact i wish i didnt have to mask myself and pretend to be someone im not for the sake of fitting in i wish when my brother returned home from the military after year i had remembered how to properly communicate with him we seem like stranger now i wish i had been able to make friend even friend i wish i were able to get a girlfriend whats the meaning of life if you can t spend your time with someone you love i wish i didnt have autism i feel so isolated i feel so alone worst of all i know there is absolutely nothing i can do about it there are no pill for autism only mediocre therapy session to remind you of how different you are from those around you i cant do this anymore living like this is hell", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 198, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0019", "text": "i m an adult but i want to escape my family completely i don t know where to start i ve told my therapist that i hate my family and stuff he replied with well they are really wealthy maybe you should continue being provided since you have your need to be met with i highly believe he s saying because of my mental issue i m diagnosed with ptsd ed psychosis mdd major clinical depressive disorder satiety etc but i don t think it s that serious because i can stabilize myself i have okay coping mechanism it feel like my therapist doesn t think i can stand on my foot by myself without my family i live with my family but i bought a house with their money and my money from work yes i did tell my family i wanted to leave but they said okay but first give u our 00 thousand back they helped me buy a house and now because of a fight they want me to stay home and own up to my mistake ridiculous thing is that they offered to pay and said i didn t need to pay them back now they re blackmailing me i told them i would because i have good bank i m a banker for a reason they then said something like you have no right to be saying that a banker is nothing respected blah blah blah they went on about how i should ve continued the line in our family of becoming engineer or surgeon the hardest part isn t even dealing their expectation of me it s the fact some of my family member especially my older brother and mom are narcissist some of you are probably thinking well why don t you just move into your home and ignore them if i move into my home they said they will have the higher ups of my job fire me i don t know what my parent want from me i m just stressed and going crazy because of their existence i know i can legally cut my parent off but don t know where to start do i have to make a call first anyone have info i d greatly appreciate it i ve dealt with my parent from teen year to now but i ve had enough of it i thought i d be free from their grasp once i become an adult but i m still stuck and i hate myself for having mental issue it s bothersome", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 436, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0020", "text": "i m going 9 this year life ha always been a rollercoaster for me consistently an a student till h then dropped out of college due to severe disinterest and had to take care of mother that had stage cancer not formally diagnosed but i m sure that s when i developed some sort of depression after all that i went to work on and off in small bakery without formal training of any kind which is a pressure of it own cooking and baking ha always been my catharsis though which is why i never gave up pursuing this career even now picked it up really well but have gap of missing knowledge since i never went to culinary school wa doing well for a few year there but then the pandemic hit and at the same time my mother went into remission so i had to leave the west coast back to the east to take care of her i love my family don t get me wrong i am more than happy to take of them but we are not financially stable in any sense even before the pandemic so i guess this is where it lead to the present my current rock bottom always thought the low point of my life can t get any worse but here i am experiencing it all over again mom is now stable or a stable a can be so i m back in the west coast and currently have a job working in a hotel in pastry i m pretty good at what i do or at least the thing i know how to do in term of pastry but working at a hotel is a whole different scene and they expect a lot out of you i m pretty sure i m about to be fired because i may be a liability i have huge gap in my work history due to family issue and huge gap in my pastry knowledge because i am only well versed only in what i would consider 0 of the basic employer really don t care about all of this they just want qualified people not your sob story so yeah life ha always been hard for me personally and i feel it s about to get worse if and when i do get fired it ll hit me pretty hard mentally thanks everyone for reading through this entire rant i don t have anyone else to tell this to", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 427, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0021", "text": "first off ive dealt with it my entire life since i wa ab 9 yr old im very familiar with the feeling of anxiety and i ve experienced it in alot of form i wa in a relationship for year where i experienced the absolute worst of it but i am not in that relationship anymore i am a full time student again and im living life on my own accord now with my whole life ahead of me and i can do anything i want now im so glad to be where im at and i cant wait for what the future hold i have no worry in the world anymore anyways here i am watching better call saul relaxing in my bed super comfortable in my mushroom blanket that i love so much and i just gradually out of nowhere start to feel my chest get tight tight to the point where i want to poke a hole in my chest just to relieve the pressure obviously im not gon na do that but you get the idea im not panicking about anything while this is happening i mean when i feel my chest tighten then im like okay wtf is going on but before that nothing im a relaxed a can be ready to go to sleep to wake up to next day ahead of me and so i do some breathing exercise to try to relieve this chest tightness and i do feel really relaxed from doing them but that chest tightness is still there and again im not panicking of anything like i would from my traditional anxiety attack is this a new form of anxiety where my body is just like you know what youre trying to go to sleep so im gon na make it hard to breathe for no reason bc you are finally happy in life with no worry so ill give you something to worry ab i read ab people having panic attack out of nowhere and sometimes fainting even but that ha never happened to me my anxiety attack always stemmed from something regardless of how silly or insignificant it wa the anxiety would always come from something like it wouldn t just spontaneously erupt into an attack so is this just a new form of anxiety im dealing with right now is there anything i can do breathing and relaxing exercise only make me calm mentally and really relax me but the uncomfortableness of my chest just being tight is preventing me from going to sleep so i dont really know what to do if this is in fact just anxiety what do you all think is this just an anxiety attack or are there other issue i should get checked out any response is appreciated tl dr random chest tightness wont go away even with a calm and relaxed state of mind wondering if this is anxiety just attacking my body", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 505, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0022", "text": "hi i ve been focusing on my mental health recently and i think i have depression here are my symptom i am constantly irritated i do not like any human interaction whatsoever for some reason i just don t like dealing with other people this varies from day to day i don t know if it s from past experience but i can t stand other people physically i have no energy finding interest in anything is an arduous task for me i am happy for those close to me that achieve or accomplish something but i just can t express it i notice this because i don t smile or act happy when it happens i have no motivation i am financially confident but i don t see the value of my work i don t know that to do with the reward i have earned with work i sleep a lot i probably sleep around 0hrs a day if anyone can explain if i do from past experience or if you are a professional please reply thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0023", "text": "i wa a good kid class president one of those pesky mormon missionary after highschool on scholarship etc then at i snapped and went to prison for ten year i vowed to overcome it got out finished college and married le than five short year of being free i threw it all away and went back for another year on a parole violation finding out that week that my poor unsuspecting wife wa pregnant with our only child i struggled through five more year of incarceration dragging my entire family through the nightmare that is the criminal justice system again while my now ex wife struggled to have our baby and support herself i ve been free again for under two year i ll never have a good job i see my son for two brief hour a month and he barely know my name my family who wa heavily involved in his life while i wa incarcerated is now prevented from seeing him or even knowing about him for my ex everything i have is because of the charity of others and i ve earned nothing on my own other than disdain the direction my life took wa unexpected to everybody i wa expected to be so successful but here i sit year old with no hope of a meaningful life 0 year gone in the blink of an eye hell a a felon many people would just prefer i wa dead anyway to look at me you would never know that all of this is in my past the only friend i have are people i ve met online who don t even know my real name a all of my old friend have long since moved on with their life i would have ended it all already and in fact tried while incarcerated but i m just too damn scared at the heart of all of it i m just a coward", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 331, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0024", "text": "m f we are currently dating for like month i mean we had sex timesim sure that i do love her a lot and she doe to but i don t want to get in a relationship now cuz i have trust issue it not about her i swear to god but i mean i dont want to think of her in a bad way i dont want to think that she is sleeping with a random dude at this moment i think she is cheating on me for no reason d even though we are not in a relationship and we didn t talk about it actually i am just jealous or have trust issue and i dont want to to make her day bad i want her to feel happy but am not sure about her i mean i had the thought that she is playing with me at the same time i feel like she rly love me and of course i didnt say that to her cuz i am her friend or her lover i meant i don t think that is ok to say that when you re not in a relationship even if we were together i wont say that or think of her like that with how to deal with that how to make it work", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 225, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0025", "text": "it all started a couple year ago when i wa about to start a new job i wa lucky and bet that the stock market would go down with the few thousand dollar i made from my internship of course this wa when covid wa just hitting so i became hugely profitable from only a couple thousand dollar to m in value in only a month thinking back on it i wa crazy reckless i made my first million and then le than a week later i made my second million i wa feeling incredible thought i could retire and never have to work again but like all gambler i kept putting my money in trying to make more and more of course with the risk i wa taking eventually it would all come crashing down fast forward today i m now k in debt plus another 0k in student loan on the surface my friend think i m hugely successful because i flexed i made m to them didn t spend a dime though just kept trying to make more and more i also make 00k a year 00k salary with the rest a a one time bonus but only have in my bank account currently i no longer play in the stock market but have recently been doing sport gambling of course i keep losing money on that there are time that i go on a nice streak but it s like every time i lose i keep trying to make back my loss which make me do even dumber play i m not sure what i m expecting by writing this but i feel so embarrassed to tell the people i m close with my girlfriend of multiple year know that i no longer have a lot of money but don t know i m in debt my parent are super supportive but i m too embarrassed to tell them how bad my situation is i guess that s why i m writing to a bunch of stranger online i know my pursuit of trying to make back my money is wrong but i can t stop trying to get out of debt i feel so dumb it s like i see a rock in front of me but i keep on tripping over it it feel like i m slowly unraveling and feeling incredibly hopeless i can t sleep thinking about how my life ha gone downhill in such a short period of time my younger self would be straight up embarrassed if he could see me now i don t have suicidal thought yet but no longer feel the same motivation in life that i used to if only i never made that money in the first place", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 474, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0026", "text": "i am pretty sure i have a porn addiction in particular i find myself drawn to the casting type video my therapist and i have discussed that seeing amateur and novel stimulus is sexually stimulating especially for someone who ha searched for porn all their life i d like to think that i am not hurting anyone besides myself in consuming this porn but i experience urge to watch girlsdoporn if you are not familiar many girl within this casting channel were coerced into filming and were essentially assaulted on screen i know morally that i should not watch these video and i always am able to stop myself but i am just so so ashamed that i have to seek validation on google is it wrong to watch gdp in order to stop myself to me it feel a though i need google to reaffirm my moral i just feel so weak when i am horny and after i am horny i just feel this terrible guilt am i a horrible person who view woman a nothing a sexual object am i so far removed from the concept of empathy that seeing woman possibly being assaulted is le important than satisfying my sexual urge how do you all view this situation do i pose a threat to those around me i feel a terrible shame but these feeling seem to almost evaporate when i m in that mood therapy and med have helped but i need to kick this habit and i don t want to hurt anyone i also feel that future relationship would be ruined if they were to find out about my blatant disrespect for woman", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 287, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0027", "text": "curious to see what people think here s my question can dissociation also be described a separating yourself from thing event happening in your life for example if something happens that overwhelms me or make me really anxious a lot of time i simply forget it i ll be going along with my day a normal but feel that something is off so i ll have to sit for a moment and think why do i feel sad anxious etc and after a minute of thinking back it click oh right i have to give a presentation on thursday is this a form of dissociation it ha always happened to me and if i describe it to someone they usually don t understand it i e if i m anxious i can t stop thinking about whatever it s about let alone forget it i told my therapist about it one session and she thought it wa fascinating she said that anxiety is stored in the body too so that s why i can feel the negative feeling even if i forget why it s there just curious i m not seeing that therapist anymore or else i d ask her", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 206, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0028", "text": "i miss jesus i miss the warmth warmth of the graspclasped onto me with both handsholy hand holding hand hold my handi remember i surrender to falsity and ill conceived connotation taught to believe misinformation that my purpose wa purposeful but it s all for man s profitand the only true prophet is the soothsayerand the soothsayer is an entity of many layersa coterie educates on blanket of misconceptionblanket me so i ll be warm full and fret freedisrobe me so i ll be broken open and emptyall i take is blue pill to calm mebut all i really intake is falsitythese line are just stanza so do a you willlife demand a mind of stabilitynot insanity but insane is written all over meso take your fake pill and snort up these linesor waste it all get ill and snort white lineswhite lie won t kill right get wasted don t wake up just wait for you to fucking taste itit s never enoughtake your blind pleasure freedom and delight it your birthrightfree will do a you willbut think twice before they put you on the spotlight because once they have you chained up you convert into a cenobite with no change you secure your own chainsand if you re unbothered call me deranged may a well fasten the rope and stay restrained no one s going to save you except the latter so choose a life of false glamour or have it shatterthe pain is worth itonce you re open you can truly observe it unlearn it be free from the cage or stay locked in and fall into the greyits all a fucking rat race", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 332, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0029", "text": "this past year ha been my get out of hand year i normally handle my depression well i know what trigger low point i know how to get myself out of my funk i know how to manage it but this year oh this year ha beat the ever loving shit out of my mental health i had a baby and got ppd really bad i have ptsd from being in a horrible accident with my best friend and having him literally die while i wa trying my hardest to stop the bleeding and the anniversary of his death is coming up on the st the only person i ever would talk about it with wa our friend sarah who wa dating his brother and she really took me in and helped me the week following his death i had started drinking heavily and just being wreck le and not caring if anything happened to me she wa the biggest ball of sunshine and positive person i had ever met and she killed herself last month i didn t even know she wa depressed so my mind is a wreck right now she wa my positive person my rock and she couldn t handle her sadness and took her own life and i feel even more horrible because how selfish wa it of me to not see that she wasn t okay i have cried every day for two week i am angry and hostile and don t want to be around anyone i don t even want to me around my own kid my mom temporarily moved in for the next couple of week because of how bad i wa getting my neighbor are even texting me asking if i m okay and i have hit the point where i don t even try faking it i just say no no i m not okay", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 320, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0030", "text": "i miss my life before this depressive episode idk if you can even call it an episode anymore it s been over year i don t think i ll ever be the same and that destroys me inside i miss 0 9 and 0 0 up until september i wa truly happy and just coasting through life so content i wa so happy and life wa so simple especially during the 0 0 lockdown all i had to do during the lockdown wa watch load of anime and random netflix show explore new music stay up all night and do nothing i even had time to explore my childlike side by doing load of painting and drawing using kiddie paint and colouring book my mental health wa great too i had no eating disorder no depression no school work my anxiety and ocd wa minimal and i wasn t so deeply lonely like i am now i can literally just hear a song smell a smell or taste a good that i experienced to during that period and i will burst out in tear because i miss not being depressed so much now even if i do try and enjoy life like i did back then and be carefree it ll never be the same because my anxiety and depression have quite literally destroyed me from the inside now i ll never be able to enjoy life like that again i had never been in a relationship and that didn t bother me at all now i ve still never been in a relationship and it make me feel unloveable and ugly i always hear people at school talking about their relationship and date and stuff and even though i don t want a boyfriend that bad i still feel like i m missing out on a key part of the teenage experience but still to be honest i m not that keen on a relationship i really just want to be happy anyway all that s left to do is die i have my plan in place and i have a date and method at least i can say that i experienced true happiness and one point in my life i guess", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 389, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0031", "text": "i m and i feel like my life is completely pointless i struggle with ocd and most of the time it consumes my every waking thought i go to therapy but somehow i never end up doing the homework and i m not making a much progress a i should be i go to my local community college even though i do really well in my class it doesn t feel like an accomplishment i originally got into a good university but dropped out very quickly due to poor mental health now a lot of my previous friend have actually graduated with degree from year university while i m still kind of stuck i can t drive and i don t have a friend group i have one close friend and a few acquaintance but i struggle with making new close friend because i am extremely socially anxious i used to have more friend but i ve burned most of those bridge looking at my life i don t really see much to live for i feel disconnected from everyone else in society and i can t escape my anxiety every stride i make seems to be temporary and i am so tired of having to struggle through every day i don t really have a point i guess i m just venting i honestly don t know if anyone can do anything for me i know i need to do the work myself it just feel pointless", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0032", "text": "panic disorder is one type of anxiety disorder the main characteristic of panic disorder is the occurrence of panic attack a panic attack is a sudden onset of fear even without an apparent cause the physical symptom of a panic attack such a shortness of breath racing heart and chest pain http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition pain can often make people feel http familydoctor org condition panic disorder a though they are having a heart attack http www healthgrades com right care heart attack heart attack while most people will experience a panic attack at some point in their life those with panic disorder experience them on a more regular basis panic attack can occur http www nimh nih gov health publication panic disorder when fear overwhelms anywhere from several time per day to only a few time per year the fear of the next panic attack can affect your daily life and cause you to avoid place and situation where you had a panic attack before panic disorder often begin in the late teenage year or in early adulthood people assigned female at birth are more likely to develop panic disorder than male if you have had at least two panic attack with no clear cause followed by approximately month of feeling fear that another attack may happen contact your doctor", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 233, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0033", "text": "my life ha gone way downhill first my best friend leaf without any kind of goodbye then my mother tell me that she doesn t love me after that my ex broke up with me then last sunday she told me not to talk to her again i can t take any of this shit for much longer i really just wished that it wa summer already then i could just kill myself and everyone would forget about me i would do it now if i could but i just think that it might be too close to my breakup and that maybe my ex would think it wa her fault when it isn t i don t really know what else to say my school ha this experience week thing where for a week we just have fun help out our community and don t have to worry about school everyone else in my grade is having fun laughing smiling and shit like that and i m just not i don t see how everyone else can find a way to be happy i see my friend laughing and having fun then they come over to hang out with me and i m just sad i honestly can t wait for the summer then i can fucking kill myself and not have to cry every night to sleep i don t know what help i might want or need but maybe some encouraging word or something might help but anything really would help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0034", "text": "i had struggled with this decision for month and finally i did it today i think i had been thinking a lot about how to say it and what my bos would say and i didn t even think about how i would feel after doing it maybe bc deep down i kinda knew i wa postponing it for a long time kinda surprised myself today when i did it the thing is i m just really weirded out bc i know it s the best for me and my bos even said so that there s in fact no room for growth there but i think my discomfort come from a deep attachment to this routine i ve had for almost year even if it wasn t the best and not knowing what s gon na happen with my job life from now on bc i don t have a new one yet amp x 00b anyway don t wan na let my anxiety win and revolve around this weird feeling bc i think i should be proud of myself for taking the matter into my own hand for once and for all amp x 00b if you read this hi and ty", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0035", "text": "obviously trigger warning for talk about sexual activity i don t know why and i don t know if i m supposed to do something about it or just ignore it since i don t necessarily have any interest in having sex with another person sometimes i ll want to masturbate but that s it i don t want to be having sex with anyone however when i do try and masturbate i ll suddenly get hit with emotion of anxiety and guilt and disgust and i have to immediately stop i then start cry and panicking and i don t know why a far a i can remember i ve never had a negative experience with sex or sexual harassment or sexual assault i mean i have experienced a friend that would try and touch me inappropriately but at the time it didn t really bother me since i didn t fully understand what she wa trying to do i d just push her off and after a few time she stopped otherwise that s it i don t know why this happens i don t know if this mean anything or i m just really weird", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0036", "text": "hi update two i definitely go through a lot of mood swing throughout my day sometimes i feel pretty good but sometimes i feel very lonely and isolated it doesn t help that i m extremely insecure about my appearance right now and i don t even want to go out to social situation because i stress about how terrible i look i just want to look good i ve been trying very hard i ve been keeping to a strict skin care regimen i nearly cut carbs out of my diet in hope it ll help my acne and i eat like 000 calorie a day so i can be shredded it s a little rough honestly i m a male so that s not a lot of calorie to work with i guess at least it get me cooking because i can t afford to waste any calorie i ve gone from about 9 to about in like a month though i workout almost every day and i go very hard for over an hour non stop exercise i feel lonely a lot i want to talk to girl very badly but i don t have the confidence in my appearance to bother i know i m ugly so it s not like i ll be able to go anywhere with them im trying to change it though i just wish i had clear skin honestly that would erase of my problem anyways i m doing okay i guess not really satisfied with my life or all that happy but my thought have stayed away from certain subject for a few day now i guess i d call that an improvement peace out much love and good luck to everyone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0037", "text": "so many thing i can t will never be able to do again my friend talk about going skateboarding or how awesome it would be to go skiing soccer wa my favorite sport and i can t play anymore well i can but at the risk of my left knee buckling in on itself which it ha done just the act of getting out of bed is painful and every girl i talk to i eventually have to tell them i got hit by a car which come off a gaslighting like i m looking for sympathy the last one i told said she d help me through it or whatever but she just stopped talking to me after hanging out a couple time which sound like nothing but now i don t talk to anyone perhaps the worst part is that the guy never even said he wa sorry my friend don t even ask me how i m doing all they fucking talk about is dungeon and dragon nobody asks how i m doing everyone is just like oh yeah him he got hit by a car and just assume that i m fine all i think about is cry in someone s arm i am practically on the verge of tear every waking moment of every day i guess what keep me going is the fact that it could have been much worse i could have not opened the trunk of my dad car in time and he could have crushed me from my knee up all the way to my chest rather than just at the knee i wa getting my bag out of the back of my dad car when a guy in a f 0 pickup truck pulled up behind me either pulled too close and the car jumped forward when he put it in park or he just forgot to put it in park and it rolled forward pinning me at the knee between the two vehicle for like second", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 343, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0038", "text": "idk if anyone else get this feeling but i do and it never really go away i get this feeling everywhere and all the time like i just don t belong i always feel like i don t belong anywhere like no one will ever get me i know that sound kinda childish but it s true i just never belong anywhere and any time i try to talk about something i m very interested in it seems like i m the only one interested in these thing and i m always the one they call weird and ostracised i m always the butt of a joke with my friend and family i never get to talk about the thing i wan na talk about even my closest friend don t get me i just feel so alone all the time and it often lead me to making terrible decision any time i think i m happy i just ruin it then that lead me to get paranoid any time i m happy which again lead to me ruining it again i feel like this sound like nonsense but idk how to properly put this feeling into a coherent sentence sorry if this wa too long too", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0039", "text": "hello i m having some trouble understanding my life rn i had a event that i would consider traumatic last year and i don t feel like i haven t been the same since i developed dissociation and depersonalization for a month i had trouble feeling like i and everything around me wa real i have self diagnosed depression and even then i could talk to my friend and have deep relationship with people now i don t feel talking to anyone and i have a hard time reaching out to my friend i have trouble concentrating and functioning a a student and i ignored basically all of my responsibility for the last two month for videogames i ve had episode where i have a lot of anger or i find it hard to breathe when i do something wrong and i ve also had a hard time sleeping i ve recently gone to therapy but i don t feel like it s helping my life feel like hell and my suicidal thought have been stronger", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0040", "text": "only month ago around christmas my dad nearly died and wa in a coma for week my mum and brother were thrown into a depressive state whilst i tried so hard to get on with life and be strong for them only last month my relationship with my brother wa completely destroyed when my family confronted him after finding out he d stolen hundred from me and my parent i wa hurt and betrayed so badly but wa able to forgive him and try to move on even if he didn t feel the same way after fighting against all of the pain my life ha brought me through my family and relationship these past few month i finally started to feel like i wa making progress and becoming a better person for everyone in my life yesterday i woke up to a paragraph text message from my girlfriend of year telling me she didn t love me or want to be with me anymore and i ve finally caved in i m so sick of trying so hard to be strong every single time i resist another force come down on me i give up and i don t want to do this anymore she wa my comfort and best friend who i could go to for anything now i feel like i have nobody who understands me and nobody who want to listen which is why i m typing here because i m so lost and broken i will be so grateful for any kind word", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 259, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0041", "text": "aripiprazole for some background i m and have diagnosed panic disorder ocd and i m getting an assessment for adhd my psychiatrist also said i have a mood disorder possibly mdd or bipolar she hasn t officially diagnosed me yet i took zoloft for about month it made me incredibly restless even more so than i wa before for of those month i wa taking aripiprazole on the side i noticed zoloft wa helping with my anxiety but not with my depression my main concern is that i recently got taken off the zoloft because it wasn t working i expected to be prescribed a different antidepressant to try but no now i m solely taking aripiprazole do you guy have any experience with aripiprazole i m really scared to be taking it by itself a i wa already going through a hard time where i didn t have any energy and aripiprazole make me more tired which is usually balanced out by zoloft but without zoloft i m scared i ll become a zombie i m also a bit concerned about long term side effect doe anyone know anything about those thank you in advance", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 230, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0042", "text": "another day i do not feel alive i do not feel like i matter i do feel like i am in the way and i do feel like my dream are my only escape lately i have had more anxiety or stress dream tho last one wa about the world ending and everyone rich enough could get a ticket to go on lot of huge spaceship ticket price wa low enough for my aunt and uncle to afford it left without a bother at all for me being alone it felt so strange seeing them board that ship and how little they cared the price wa like 00 000 dollar per person then added in wa pet and i have cat cat cost 00 per cat i could not afford it so i wa left alone just watching ship after ship leaving some malfunctioned and crashed it wa weird watching idk im just tired of feeling alone or abandoned even in my dream and how people dont get how much my cat matter to me they are here for me every day wish insomnia would go away too just another post from a living dead soul sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0043", "text": "i m only year ago i wa really one of the famous kid in school everything wa going well until first quarantine started i became probably the most antisocial person it wa the last half year of school so didn t go anywhere because i wa doing online lesson i didn t go out with friend at all until next year where quarantine stopped for month so had to go to school again i started getting bullied by my own friend i couldn t handle it i wa thinking of commiting suicide back then to i got through it but this made me even more antisocial i couldn t trust anyone for a really long time because a i said these were my own friend bullying me for fun now at the rd year everything is kinda ok i started going out with friend again month ago after so long but i don t like going out with them week ago i wa in bed thinking and my hole life what i like the most is video game and lucid dreaming i thought the reason why these are the only staff i enjoy to the conclusion that they offer me just an escape from sad reality which is me not enjoying literally anything else school is my biggest enemy my hole life i wait for it to be over but just can t deal with it anymore only for me to wait every day to end just to basically sleep and play some video game so i faked being sick with a lot of fever for the past week to escape school and all the stress i have in life my parent took me to the doctor and he said to do a lot of test so we can see what is my illness my parent found out because the test showed that i don t have anything they weren t mad because they think that i have a reasonable reason for doing all these and they are right but i can t tell them all of these i just can t find the power", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 360, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0044", "text": "for the most part my life is perfect in the grand scheme of thing i am probably in the of well off people on this planet globally speaking i have a home car no debt a family etc it is all there however i am so riddle with anxiety and depression that i feel i am just wasting my life away all i do is see red and fear the worst all day every day i just turned 0 in looking back i ve become very sad how ironic sigh realizing how i ve spent from the 0 to 0 being anxious and wasted away all this potential brain space i have no other way to describe it and a i look to the next 0 year ahead i fear i will do the same can you imagine laying on your death bed thinking i worried and anxiously walked through life i had all this pent up anxiety depression anger insert your ailment here and that is what defined my time here i could elaborate but almost every activity whether banal or extreme is met with a flood of negative thought worry emotion etc i sometimes feel like i am vibrating from so much anxiety it s fucking crushing every day is just a struggle to be normal", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 226, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0045", "text": "i m a yr old female and i wa diagnosed with bipolar when i wa almost been a month but i ve noticed that my anger ha totally converted into full rage when i wa just depressed a month before it s been year since my dad death but it isn t a normal death he wa murdered in cold blood because he wa running for politics i have been trying to seek help from therapist but it isn t enough for me to let go and move on my older brother and boyfriend have been trying to convince me to move on but it s not easy i don t think i can i ve been feeling very vengeful more than before about this situation but every time i let out my anger i go full rage and when that episode is over i can t help but feel hopeless and fucking worthless i cry my heart out but then i m filled with anger and rage again even conversation with my boyfriend would make me snap but instead of taking it out on him i simply tell him i need to call him back then i self destruct sometimes i feel like he doesn t really care since he sends me one worded text but it s whatever it isn t his problem don t know if i m alone in this one or if anyone feel the same a me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 246, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0046", "text": "i never thought i would feel this way at this point i m in between two different stage of life and the stress of it is making me want to kill myself i m a senior in high school and life is so hard right now and i don t know if i m being dramatic ive been suicidal before but i don t think i am now just because i know i have a big turning point in front of me in the fall when i go to college which give me hope but i fear i m putting too much weight on this if i don t like college i am scared i will kill myself because it s all that s keeping me going i used to want to kill myself when i wa i know what it feel like but that s not what this is i just can t keep going it get s harder every day i still have two month until graduation and i am scared out of my mind it is so stressful to have so many duty every day school work college decision scholarship i have to pay 00 in car expense which is like two week paycheck thrown away it feel like i do so much just for the little ounce of freedom i get on one day of the weekend or for maybe an hour after school i can t keep going like this but i have to i feel like i m wasting such an important time in my life but i can t change it i want to end it just to avoid the pain of trekking through it because sometimes i can t even see myself waking up tomorrow and doing it all again i am so scared of disappointed everyone every time i let my mom down i just want to die so bad i feel so useless i can t control myself when i m given decision i can t make them i hate the thought that i have complete control over myself because it give the blame of who ive become extremely burnt out flaky to friend and work used to be extroverted but now im so quiet to me and me only", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 385, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0047", "text": "hey guy just kind of a nervous rant here so sorry if it s long i work at a job where it s an open and fun environment with about other people about a month ago i had a yearly review with my bos who actually ended giving me a small promotion i wa super excited and feeling optimistic my team had been performing well and our bos like to reward u with small thing if we hit our number beer on a friday buy pizza for u for a lunch day etc in the heat of the dopamine rush i wa having from the promotion i had the spontaneous idea of doing a roast for our bos in the office after work on a friday we re all fairly close a far a co worker go with each other so at the time i didn t think this seemed like a bad idea he thought it wa a good idea and said that would be fine he agreed to get food beer for it i thought awesome so i announced it at one of our weekly meeting people seemed meh about the idea but it wa on the calendar this thing is getting close and i have so much anxiety about how embarrassing and awkward this is going to be not to mention my bos usually doesn t come into work on friday but agreed to specifically for this event i know of only other guy that have a few joke written but have no clue of anyone else is even willing to participate i wasn t thinking at the time that the majority of people hate public speaking don t want to attempt comedy in front of their co worker and be taking shot at their bos on a friday after work we have fun at work but i m getting the sense that no one is really into this i think it ll end up being me up there speaking for about minute maybe getting an uncomfortable laugh or two and then having this be a gigantic failure going to be really hard to show my face at work if this doesn t pan out if you made it this far thanks for reading just had to vent and get this out there", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 387, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0048", "text": "i would know if i had a brain damage injury anyersum or my brain is bleeding in the past like month ago my ex boyfriend would punch me in the head pull my hair one time he punched me really hard i had a bump and a extreme headache for day it went away i never went to get it checked because it went away something would have happened by then right if i wa bleeding or had something going on from then on i been stressed and i have headache everyday mainly at a certain time i been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder i just need reassurance im okay right i wa playing a game on my phone all of a sudden my head started feeling really tight and weird anyways the point is is the stress causing it he used to hit my head alot the last time wa like month ago but before that too other than the concussion i felt fine would i have blacked out if it wa bad enough to do damage i never did i been fine but i started having headache reccently maybe stress im fine right plz give me reasssurace answer this i would know if i had a brain bleed how long after a accident can ur brain bleed", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 229, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0049", "text": "okay long text post here i been depressed the past year of my life 9 now you know just typical depression not until recently i started getting like suicidal thought and ideation not so sure why i started dating my boyfriend about a year ago and he is the light of my world and had helped me pretty much a lot i m not too sure why these thought and feeling are coming back to me harder than ever my med cymbalta quit working so i switched them then the new one make me actually fucking insane pristiq i can t even trust myself to be alone i am just thinking about killing myself and dying all that mumbo jumbo my anxiety ha been through the roof a well i also have insomnia which we have not found the right med for that yet either so my whole life and brain is a cluster fuck it would be so easy to end it i never have had panic attack until this new pristiq i ve also tried lexapro prozac and a few others which weren t for me they either make me zombie or literally nothing at all is different can someone give me your input on what i should maybe try to do my sleep ha also been fucked the past few year i stay up for day at a time bc i can t fall asleep i m either not tired or j literally can t actually fall asleep now i have seroquel a needed i don t take that make me feel weird zaleplon a needed it literally doesn t work on me not too sure why but whatever and hydroxyzine and guess what that one doesn t work either sleep ha make me fail in school cant concentrate cant study cant do work mood brain fog every day oh but back to my bf just typing about him make me tear up i miss him so much i m afraid that i m going to scare him away with my craziness i m also pretty sure i m bipolar but maybe i m not but his family doe not have problem like that i m thinking i need to kill myself before he leaf me or after he leaf me bc after he leaf that will be it he s like my last string of hope to keep me from ending it anyone relate", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 428, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0050", "text": "a couple week ago i contracted covid and got it pretty bad for a few day there it caused a big flare up of anxiety for me a i am a heavy cannabis and nicotine smoker and i couldn t give them up while dealing with covid and inevitably the smoking made it worse and played into my anxiety for background i have been managing anxiety fairly well for the past or year with habitual cannabis smoking but sometime in the week i had covid a switch wa flicked and smoking instantly made me more anxious i went to the doctor and have been prescribed seroquel in the morning and evening same with diazepam plus zoloft in the morning i m wondering if this sound like the proper response to deal with this flare up or do you think my doctor is going down the wrong path he doe know my history with anxiety and explained the mechanic of dealing with the anxiety first and then dealing with smoking and told me that i should keep on smoking even though it put me in a vicious cycle so a to not have to deal with withdrawal at the same time a the anxiety he booked me an appointment for two week time to review how thing are working but made no mention of referring me to anything external or anything to do with cbt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 242, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0051", "text": "i do for your reference i m now pretty underweight and i look like a yo i know i m not pretty physically i have sunken cheek unwanted mark on my face severely crooked teeth stunted height here are some of my story early high school i visited a friend s house to finish a project her brother were there and i heard them say thought she s a chick but she s just a chicken non verbatim looking back this sound petty but when people start making these comment when you re in that age you re still building that self confidence it just break it all down into dust back in college i vividly remember how i wa walking past a group of guy i have no one walking behind me and i m pretty sure i wa alone that time then i heard them say number out loud i just froze when i realised they were rating me based on my appearance asshole i know and this happened not only once still in college i wa asked a a favor to be in an infograph because they said they liked how i look i wa really excited to see it online but when the infograph wa released they cut my face from the photo they apologised for cutting my face because it didn t suit the vibe i have more but these are most of the memory i remember that keep me up at night i also pieced it together how i think meeting new people they ll laugh at my face for being sooo ugly so i ll just avoid it for the rest of my life ending up alone with my hobby and pet my anxiety wa bad i would have panic attack i would shake vomit refuse to eat but i d also like to add that being ugly isn t the sole reason for my anxiety ofc there s more but when you already have 0 self confidence and other problem you know what happens i m in a i think better place now and in this period where random people s opinion count le than it used to getting brace soon too for my teeth and i would like to share these a a way to let it rest forever here and not in my mind may we all attain peace of mind rip", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 416, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0052", "text": "mom i m sad it hurt in my heart the feeling fall into my stomach i can t stop the tear when they start mom i m sad that i never did anything that i never achieved anything that everything just fell apart i can t get up in the morning i can t focus on anything but the sadness i can t put my clean clothes away i don t have the energy to try i sleep all day because it make time go by faster it s hard for me to try and take care of my dog because that mean getting up my thought race all day about what could have been mom i m sad because i don t know if i can make it i don t know if i can keep going i don t want to break you and dad heart but i think my heart ha been broken for a very long time the fight inside me is starting to slow down everything is turning black i don t know if i can make my way to see the light anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 189, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0053", "text": "it still suck m that ha a job that a lot of people wish they had hr showed me that they received over 00 application for my position i moved to a new city for this job right before covid took over can t seem to make friend or meaningful connection with anyone in just over year i don t really have hobby and dread coming home to an empty house every night i ve always struggled with self esteem and this crushing loneliness ha me struggling yo get out of bed nobody call or even sends me text message i have no one that care about me i m already hiding so much including my emotion just desperately hoping someone i know reach out to me life is hard i get that and i know it s not easy for anyone but so many people i know have it so much easier their constant smile and laughter hurt but i hurt even more pretending to smile and laugh with them i ve ended up losing the passion and drive i once had got my career and am truly lost no friend no family no career no future fml", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 201, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0054", "text": "year have passed but the only thing that doesn t seem to pas is this tough phase of loneliness i have had a very troubled childhood i wa bullied throughout school probably since every grade post th i didn t have any friend used to roam alone in school during recess coz sitting alone in class without friend used to make me feel really awkward and sad i am now graduated college but situation hasn t gotten that better i did make few society friend lately but they only contact me whenever they need my help or vice versa i tried talking normally too but to no avail they would simply seen zone me i tried dating site too many a time but they were a big flop they always ended up damaging my self esteem a i never ever got more than like whenever on festival when my society friend call me to hangout they always boast that how amazing their experience have been with girl in college someone wa hooking up with different chick in a single week someone else just competed year of relationship am the only fucking one in the entire group of 0 who ha never dated even once it make me feel really really sad and just completely destroys my self esteem i have never ever kissed a girl never held hand with any girl and it just go on and on it make me feel like a failure i feel like i got no one in life it s even tough to sum it up all in this post a there s just too much stuff to share the family issue failed attempt at getting a girl getting used by a girl and then getting blocked from her and much more it make it impossible for me to focus on my study thankyou so much for giving me your time lt much love", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 325, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0055", "text": "welcome to r depression s check in post a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing if you have an accomplishment you want to talk about these shouldn t be standalone post in the sub a they violate the role model rule but are welcome here or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post this is a place you can share our subreddit rule are located in the sidebar you can also always access them at r depression about rule since all of them exist for important safety reason we ask everyone here to read and follow them please click report on any harmful content you see here we always want to know and deal a soon a we can we also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support r depression wiki what is depression provides guidance about what is and isn t a depressive disorder guidance on the complex nature of the illness that are usually grouped under the depression label and redirect information for common off topic issue r depression wiki giving help offer information on the nature and value of peer support for mental health issue in general and lot of guidance for learning what is and isn t usually helpful in giving peer support ysk that the type of rule violation that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are people breaking the private contact rule you should never trust anyone who try to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here see r depression wiki private contact i m here to help post this show that you don t understand the most basic principle of peer support especially selectivity the giving help wiki explains more about this role modelling i e achievement or advice post this is an expert free zone that s what peer support mean rule we know that internet culture celebrate not just bragging about your achievement but bragging about your good intention nothing like that is ever acceptable here content that s more about making a statement or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support or in a comment giving it rule and 0 off topic post about difficult situation or circumstance including interpersonal loss grief sadness anger and other difficult emotion are not mental illness the what is depression wiki ha suggestion for other place to post about these issue which are 00 valid and serious but inappropriate here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 436, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0056", "text": "ive always been extremely considerate for people need even sacrificing my own for the sake of their need always just never telling the full picture or always refraining from saying certain thing a i do not want to offend people i just never get that level of consideration back not even half of it i must be a prick asking for this stuff i shouldnt expect anything for being kind but it always suck when you always get the short end of the stick always ignored no one give a shit not even from redditors though ive met some pretty kind one but the others are honestly garbage i remember i once typed something about killing myself and some random person messaged me sayinng that they want me to buy something for them a i anyways would not stay here for long that wa a year ago on this subreddit there wa a deleted comment in that post but i guess it wa the person who messaged me that one year ago ready to kill myself and here we are a year later and no progress with that i also remember another dude who said tick tock when i mentioned about killing myself not in this subreddit but from the trueoffmychest one i honestly fucking wonder why im even here ive amounted to almost nothing im tired of caring or expecting any form of love ive had so much copium in my entire life that i just never realised that no one really give a shit about me and im just dangling on a fucking thread that just wont fucking break cuz im a coward who secretly want to live but just want this fucing contant pain misery and dissappointment to just go away for once in my miserable life tldr fuck everything and everyone goodbye and goodnight", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 326, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0057", "text": "hi everyone i find myself in a sad situation and i can t really seem to be able to find a way out or support so i thought i could write about it here i m 0 and moved to study abroad month ago i love college and i love what i do i am fairly aware i am privileged in more way than one and that i should be happy about it but it s not enough when i left i tried my best to leave everything behind a much a i could because i know i will never live in my home country again and that s sort of the goal anyways a someone who ha generalized anxiety overall i am also aware that this wa a very big step in itself i have been struggling with depression and anxiety that also take toll on my physical health from time to time since i moved but everything got worse a few week ago i had a week long break from university and i forced myself not to go home so i can be more accustomed to living here the problem wa that i barely went out for week being too anxious to do so and also my neighbour and friend wa also visiting her home country i felt very alone and isolated now i started college again and i realise every day how stupid that wa and i m stuck on wanting to turn back time which i know is impossible i cry every day i wish to go home and i have major problem performing at university i honestly don t know what to do i feel hopeless and alone if anyone ha any advice i would really appreciate it thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0058", "text": "like the title say i m doing bad at work i work a a claim adjuster for a big insurance company and i m really bad at it the job requires a tremendous amount of organization and i just simply do not have those skill it s my first big job out of college and i m failing it embarrassing and it s crushing my confidence i constantly worry about my job security being this anxious all the time is making me run out of steam quickly i find it hard to even force myself to look for another job bc of the little free time i get and how tired i am at the end of the day i feel like a burden to my parent and girlfriend because i constantly vent break down to them i did start seeing a therapist recently and he s helped but it feel like it build up a lot until i get to talk it out with him what trigged me to write this today is i made another fuck up at work and had to tell my bos she s extremely nice but had to be honest with me that my performance could result in corrective action i know that doesn t mean termination exactly but that is definitely on the table i have so many case and i just know there s at least a couple more fuck ups in there that i haven t found yet i feel like it s inevitable that i get let go and i m just not prepared to deal with the embarrassment of it it s eating at me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 278, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0059", "text": "why am i here i have class i need to go back i m sweating my backside is all gross and wet and it s not because it s hot i m wearing short something is wrong with me i m broken i can t be around people but i m lonely i can t care about college awful apathy is in my vein i can t even pretend to have any desire for life or conversation i m going to fail my class maybe failing something will finally wake me up or no i m nothing of value without my grade it s all i ve ever had it s all i m actually good at and now i realize how utterly pointless and empty that overwhelming stress wa good grade never made me like living or myself if i fail it is justification that my existence is worthless i m just lonely and socially anxious to the point of phobia and scared of others and especially of myself i just want to die i m supposed to commit suicide i m sure of it i am not meant to exist i do not belong here i belong nowhere i m tired really really tired", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0060", "text": "i wa supposed to stab myself in the heart in the desert in joshua tree in november 0 i thought i wa ready i decided not to because i realized i d probably have to stab myself more than one time and i knew i couldn t mentally handle that i felt depressed enough to stab myself but not psychotic enough to keep going especially after physical shock also part of me wanted to see if i could fix thing and it wa like i went on a mission with myself to see if life wa worth it if my life is worth living the answer is no it s definitely no i want out i want off this fucking ride i wish thing were different but they aren t i even went to the fucking hospital voluntarily for help since my last post here absolute hellhole i don t even have word for you about what happened darkest week of my life people are sick i m so much worse i can t explain what s happened it s not like gunnhild from viking but i m at the marina and someone abandoned their bonfire left it all for me i tried to give an older woman passing by the last of my cash cause she wa picking up recyclables she refused and wa sweet she said to not sit here at night she wa concerned that i m young and there s crazy people out here no offense but i m the crazy person ma am sweet lady i had asked god for a sign i got a fucking sign i told god or the universe or whatever that to commit suicide i needed to be pushed and i got just that tenfold i m proud of myself for pushing a hard a i did for lasting this long i don t need to prove to other people i fought i know i did and i can rest better knowing i kept that promise to myself i wish i had seen more of the world and visited more city but i ve had my fill of humanity i can t do it anymore i hate the way people treat each other how much bullshit is always involved i m tired worn out no amount of sleep or rest touch this kind of tired hell is hell i hope my next life is gentler i hope the tide are kinder i hope i receive love i never have to defend myself from i give myself peace now because i can not find it here my life is obligated to no one amp nothing else im truly sorry signing off from one depressed person to whoever read this what happened to me mattered finally good luck asshole", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 480, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0061", "text": "anyone suffering from depression and or is suicidal whatever it may be i truly hope you the best ik how hard it fucking is unfortunately i lost the battle it s the last thing i wanted to do i know i m young but fought for so long to be happy exhausted every option but it s just too much pain not gon na get into all the detail to what happened to cause a lot of this feel like it wouldn t accomplish anything amp this post won t even be noticed just leaving a digital footprint ig already wrote letter for my parent and little brother amp close friend this thing happened about when i wa and have been dealing w it since and it s mentally taxing and caused severe depression stress amp pain amp turned my once happy outgoing self threw it in a fucking blender can t say i didn t try though just get to a point where every option available you took and you tried your hardest to get over what happened and get life back to normal and everything throw you back to the fuckin ground then you realize there really is nothing you can do and look back at how long you ve been trying and how hard you tried it s painful n i ll no longer by suffering by 0 pm wish you all the best stay solid", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 242, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0062", "text": "doe anyone do the freeze thing a their fight flight freeze reaction and how do you work through that especially when it happens at your job i sometimes sort of just malfunction and can t speak and lose all my thought i don t even know why it happens sometimes but it happens a lot when i make a mistake or do something wrong and then someone higher up try to talk to me about it it s especially annoying and embarrassing in that situation because i sometimes also end up cry or getting teary and i want to just be able to take the blame or whatever but i end up feeling like i m manipulating everyone into just feeling bad for me or if i m not cry and i can t speak i don t want them to think i don t care the other day i had that happen and the assistant director who wa telling me not to do what i did noticed i wa getting emotional and i could tell she didn t know how to respond but i couldn t speak and explain myself i feel so confident sometimes about certain thing and i feel like i ve gained a level of confidence over the past few year and yet at the same time this particular experience feel like it s getting worse and for background i have never been abused or in and abusive relationship and i know this is a very common for people who have been in those scenario so i don t really know why i react that way sooo ha anyone experienced this and maybe have some word of advice what do you do in these situation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 292, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0063", "text": "no i don t want to kill myself but i want to die i reflect on the last 0 year of my life and see nothing good and can t see the future improving my mom just died my longest relationship recently ended terribly and with abuse i have addictive behavior i never seem to kick and i don t see it changing i ve gone to therapy i m trying to find another good therapist but haven t heard back from voicemail i ve left so far if you have a response i appreciate it but please don t share vague generality tell me your personal hurt experience will carry more with me than it get better or similar platitude i m hurting i need to hear the hurt others have been able to endure to feel encouraged i never thought i could feel so empty and so sad and so angry i hate living right now i never thought i d ever feel so bad edit i have nobody i have my job and i have my dog my family isn t the support system i wish it wa i don t have any real friend i ve tried reaching out but everyone is busy with their own problem", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 215, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0064", "text": "i am not sure if this is the right place for it but last friday one of my classmate told me jokingly to jump out of a window she ha been doing that joke for over a month i ve had it up to here so i said i d blow my head off on the weekend i tried to hurt myself and went to the emergency room on monday they prescribed me some lexapro and i went home relieved that i finally got some help half an hour after i returned home cop stormed my apartment saying they received a hint from the school that i wa gon na hurt myself and they searched my whole apartment for a gun which i don t have so they obv didn t find one and restrained me they then took me to the same hospital i wa at just half an hour ago and i spoke to the psychiatrist there again who told the police i am not a threat to myself or someone else so they let me go again during that they took my phone and it ran out of battery and i didn t have access to it for like hour or more during that time two of my classmate messaged me asking why i blocked them and they attacked me not knowing my phone ran out of battery and that s why i didn t answer they then blocked me and i explained to them on instagram what happened and they read it but didn t care apparently my classmate apparently told our headmaster they were worried and then he called the police i am getting the proper help from all of my teacher and my headmaster and i have an appointment with our school psychiatrist soon it s just that this whole police incident ha left me panicking and cry when i see a police officer car and everytime someone with heavy boot walk on my apartment floor i sit up thinking the police will come back again i also can t sleep properly and can t distract myself because i keep having horrible flashback of the scene when the police stormed in which leaf me breaking down it left me broken traumatized overwhelmed and desperate because i don t know what to do on top of that my classmate all blocked me are ignoring me and not even looking at me talking about being worried and not even one person asked me if i wa alright or how i wa doing i am considering going back to the emergency room and talking to the same psychiatrist from before but it s not really an emergency you know sorry if this text is long i am just overwhelmed and don t know what to do anymore all i know is i am traumatized a fuck and broken what should i do someone please assure me that everything is gon na be okay because at this point all my hope ha left me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 519, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0065", "text": "i have never thought i d reach my 0 cuz since my early year i have been suicidal my life ha always been the worst i wa given the worst family my parent were when i wa born they were totally unable to raise a kid yet they decided to keep their pregnancy being a teen parent in a country where abortion is 00 legal since 9 is at least a huge stupidity i don t even have to say that my childhood and teenage year were creepy i went still do through need i had the worst and cheapest toy basic clothes the cheapest cell phone etc people are like forget about the past and focus on the present how do y all think it s easy to forget about poverty no it s not i can t forget all the humiliation abuse and privation i had to go through i m now totally hopeless still suicidal and i m pretty sure death is the only thing that can take my pain away and sooner or later i ll end up a a suicidal person i ve already tried to wait and see if thing get better but nothing changed thing get easier for a short period of time and then get unbearable again i just hope i die soon and all my pain fade", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 230, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0066", "text": "i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me only good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 228, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0067", "text": "maybe if i made regular healthy meal for myself instead of skipping them and eating junk food i d feel better maybe if i kept to a consistent sleep schedule instead of staying up late at night and letting myself pas out on the couch at random time throughout the day i d feel better maybe if i respected the way i looked instead of neglecting my hygiene and wearing dirty clothes because i don t feel like changing i d feel better maybe if i cleaned and decorated my apartment instead of surrounding myself with trash and shit i don t care about i d feel better maybe if i left the house once in a while and allowed myself to show the slightest bit of interest in anything i d feel better maybe if i let the right people in instead of always pushing them away minimize the toxic people in my life instead of always letting them get to me open up and trust instead of always expecting the worst and keeping my distance if i would actually be there for the people i care about instead of just saying i am then blowing them off maybe if i could open myself up to the possibility of positivity instead of always dwelling on the negative then i d feel better probably but damn it if that shit doesn t come naturally to me then i m just not interested work hard to make a change ha i m already working a hard a i can just to keep from loosing it on a day to day basis i am not willing to put in any more energy into my life than i already am thank you very much a life of incremental progress towards what wa supposed to be the starting line is no life at all a world where a brain can get like this whether a product of rationality or not is not a world in which i wish to live i don t care if there s hope for a better future unless it come with a better past and present too", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 361, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0068", "text": "we are going to see them the day after tomorrow and i m already anxious i think i have adhd i show significant symptom but silenced by my social anxiety disorder sad i didn t tell my parent that i might have adhd because they might have freaked out or definitely told me that it happening because i keep thinking about having those symptom and don t try to focus blah blah blah and stuff but what make me really anxious is what if i don t really have adhd or any kind of atypical issue and doctor say that i m perfectly normal becus then that would suck because if this happens i d be the only one to blame for not trying enough and whining about my problem and also what if i don t really have problem but still get over diagnosed with adhd and get amphetamine prescription i have learnt that it highly addictive and famous psychoactive drug that ha many side effect i m y o and a student what if the med fuck me up even more than my current situation my academic life ha already fallen apart but i can forget and restart by getting an admit in college even tho it won t be my desired college but atleast i ll be starting somewhere if i get affected by wrong med it might get more difficult for me to manage my behaviour and it side effect my parent made this decision like hour ago and i m already overthinking to this extent please help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 273, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0069", "text": "a the title say i have been feeling emotional blunting and i don t take any medication i used to see a therapist but stopped month ago i m not even sure if this is related to my depression but for some time now maybe a month or two and more mildly for a long time before that pretty much everything ha been feeling dull i ve always had trouble cry and expressing feeling my emotion in general but now it feel like nothing can provoke strong reaction in me just a few week ago it wa year since my older brother s suicide and i didn t even feel that sad i tried to find the emotion inside of myself but i just couldn t make myself feel the grief much i also took a month break from listening to music since i felt like i wa listening too much and music didn t sound a good a a result and just a few day ago when i finally listened to music again i put on one of my favorite album which used to always evoke such strong feeling in me but this time it just felt empty ha anybody else felt this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0070", "text": "hello i am neurotic with symptom of anxiety disorder and ha mild suicide ideation i am generally better the last month i have taken the past year off college to focus on taking care of myself i went to therapy but had recently stopped so i could afford to go to school again this year i think i have been doing well in implementing lifestyle change that improve my mental well being such a setting clear boundary reaching out and eating which is one of my biggest challenge i still struggle to be consistent in aspect of taking care of myself but i wonder what change do you suggest or have tried that helped you a lot in continuing to live i struggle in finding joy or even interest in living and in time of difficulty still ideate my death i know i m sick and that is something i should fix i hope you could help me with your answer they don t have to be big since small change are more sustainable and le overwhelming thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0071", "text": "i have a friend at work that i ve been confiding in for the last couple week we both are experiencing depression and suicidal ideation over the last several year she seemed like someone who ha everything together in a sense that she ha a gridiron exterior great career very positive attitude and i come to learn she s barely hanging on in my struggle with depression she ha been my most interesting and welcomed member of my support network i m also working at getting my former bos now my director back into my network my current bos add to the depression quite a bit but having a network of people to connect with is truly a blessing my point is that there are so many wonderful people and sometimes you expect the least expected to be your strongest ally stay strong and make today the best you can practice self care exercise is therapy therapy is therapy and be a reason someone release the stigma that depression is for the weak but that the strongest have to survive the self destruct mechanism in your brain just learn to manage it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0072", "text": "i ve noticed my anxiety is really bad for me in certain situation right now i am working a full time job mon to sat 0 hr per week been kinda hard to deal with the anxiety at work a i spend too much time with other people and i have to face awkward situation due to my role also i have a severe problem while eating with other coworkers tried to control that and it worked literally did an auto therapy session to control my fatalistic thought but recently some thing went out of control in my daily routine like some change my bos made to the department there were some change and problem at work too and also i met a girl i really like but obviously my brain take it a an anxiety with thought like you should do this with her you should be quicker or do this and kore this automatically exploded my anxiety to gigh level on these day don t wan na suffer the same so what would be your technique with this tl dr what are your technique copong method when you start dealing with unexpected thing and how to avoid the fatal case of escaping situation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0073", "text": "i feel trapped and like there s no way out everything feel like shit i went through ton of family and mental health issue but i soldiered on and i got my college diploma in social science and my bachelor degree in sociology i wa on the dean s list i worked my as off through mental illness and exhaustion and i m in thousand of dollar debt i did everything people told me to do keep going get a degree take out loan and now i can t find a fucking job that doesn t pay total shit public transit is beyond atrocious i just have 0k debt staring at me in the face every time i open my bank app i ve applied to hundred of job hundred of job my brother want me to go back to school and get more debt more fucking debt he want me to leave my boyfriend and move to another province i can t talk to him about my issue because every time that s all he suggests same with my best friend my dad life in a tiny town in newfoundland and make shit wage my mom life somewhere in ontario and ha made no effort to help me out despite not getting to see me grow up due to a nasty divorce i have no will left i m afraid i m gon na snap and go crazy i try really really hard to be positive but it s really hard to keep it up i feel like i m in one of those trap where the wall are slowing squishing you until you die please doe anyone have any advice anyone i m dying my hope is fading so fast", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 299, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0074", "text": "i am 0 married year this october and a four year old about to start school none of this matter when i m expected to pick up the slack for my family and their failing my sister wa diagnosed with schizophrenia my parent have no idea how to deal with it having lived with chronic depression their entire life and relying on faith to get them through she s refusing treatment medication and in denial of her condition it s a constant cycle of her being unstable hospitalized until shes able to manipulate the doctor that she s okay and go home to torment u my brother is leaving his military job after year and freaking out because he doesn t think he ll survive a a civilian i m fairly certain he ha his own mental issue stemming from way back but he s also just barnacled on to me for guidance i wanted to kill myself i wa about to and i called and got help and i ve been on medication for year i struggled with alcoholism in my early 0 and decided to stay sober for my daughter and i m finding it hard to hang on with all of this going on i m finding it hard to help people who don t want to help themselves but if i don t then everything just go to hell and i m the one to blame because i m the smart one and have to guide everyone where they re supposed to go it s exhausting having to care for people who refuse to accept they have issue i feel like i m being punished for being the only one in my family for having had the fortitude to acknowledge my mental illness it s taking a toll on my marriage and i am scared of the consequence of what that would entail i worry for my child because if i can t take care of myself then i can t take care of her i m staring at the same abyss that wa before me those year ago when i wa spiraling and i don t want to be here again anyway thanks for hearing me out reddit i just needed to verbalize it to make sure i m not just imagining it all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 399, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0075", "text": "hey guy i currently need some help figuring out what to do recently i ve been feeling a lot of anxiety it started a week ago when my spring break wa ending and the night before leaving for school i started having major anxiety i am a little worried about school i guess but i know i m good with grade and will be fine till the end of the semester but still i just felt this major anxiety like an aching in my chest and couldn t sleep the whole night when i got back to school i thought everything would be fine but around or 9 pm i started getting that feeling again like i wa panicking and having a tightness in my chest that wouldn t go away i don t think i wa even thinking about anything at the time to cause it that night i didn t fall asleep till or in the morning even during the day sometimes i ll start getting that same anxious feeling but it s ha been consistently happening every night around the same time and i have trouble falling asleep i m in a good place in my life i have friend and family who care about me and i m doing well in school but i can t shake this anxiety i m having any advice would be great", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 235, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0076", "text": "last night my girlfriend 0f of two and a half year told me 0m that my depression symptom have been taking a toll on her she told me that she see my progress and my growth but this is in summary a she talk around her meaning it s not enough it s exhausting her and making her feel poorly my exhaustion and lack of self and confidence and inner love so i had to apologize to her last night and i m trying to show that i m growing but i feel so fucking hopeless right now and it s only been getting worse i joined this community because i m sure i won t actually do it but i need something to remind me and something to feel le alone because holy fuck am i alone i feel devoid of love and worth and i m struggling to find way to place it on myself i can t validate it if it s for me and i can only form a half life of happiness if i use someone else a the foundation so that s superficial i m really trying to keep going but it s so hard it s exhausting i just want to sleep all the time there s so much more in regard to our relationship i ve been trying to support her and make amends for who i wa when we first met i brought my trauma into it and lashed out at her in way of gaslighting infidelity and emotional neglect she didn t have any trigger for me to lash out at her i just thought she wanted to use me for self satisfaction but i m told that s love now i m confused there are two side of my mind one an optimist and a lover the other a cynic and a narcissist i want to purge my brain of these thing i m sorry this is so scattered i ll try to speak more coherently later brain no work", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 355, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0077", "text": "i recently lost a family member that i knew and met i ve only lost so far in this same criterion i ve been not doing so well even before any of that i feel like i m on autopilot daily i feel empty and nothing brings me joy even the thing i used to love and be passionate about i have a hard time communicating anything to anyone because all i want to do is be quiet and pas through people life a an invisible specter aimlessly living to survive and be away from everyone even the one that want to be in my life i have trouble sleeping at night drinking make me worse smoking only amplifies my anxiety and existential crisis meditating is useless now and i have no way to cope with what i m feeling have been feeling for the past few year it s easier for me to type thing out than it is to say them out loud i find myself losing my mind in work and zoning out while staring at my wall on a daily basis doe anyone have any advice for what i m dealing with and how to manage some of this i m not one to normally ask for help but at this point i m willing to try anything to get away from this darkness that haunt my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 237, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0078", "text": "this ha ruined my life the only thing keeping me from killing myself is my baby boy his mother manipulates me she s emotionally abusive and i don t know how to stand up to her i can t i m so afraid she ll take him away from me i can t keep doing this and i can t kill myself but i think i will i think he ll be better off without me i m a mess my finance are a mess my emotion i can barely take care of my own thing i m in so much turmoil i constantly fantasize about offing myself and every few day i sit there with a gun to my head and i just can t do it i think of my boy and then the pain is worse fyi we were engaged and shit fell apart for good last year october we still live together because we have a lease on a house and housing right now is a bitch nothing available so i m trapped here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0079", "text": "it s tuesday evening and i haven t been able to fall asleep in a few day because i can not stop replaying a sequence of event at work from last week i talked it out with my coworkers and i know that i wa in the right there wa nothing i could have done to get a better result and it s ok everything s cool let s move forward with our life k i would love for it to be that easy but that squishy asshole between my ear ha a very different perspective on the matter so we can t move forward we haven t earned that yet we have to spend an indeterminate amount of time meticulously dismantling and examining every minute detail of the incident my action and the reaction of everyone else involved buckle up and grab a barf bag folk it s about to get real whenever i have even a tiny stretch of free time the film reel in my head alternate between warp speed and slow motion depending on circumstance and timing every minute or so my brain get the ball rolling with really all the thing you could have done and that wa how you handled it idiot followed up with whoa you ve got nothing to worry about bae you handed that shit like a champ before circling back to what the fuck is wrong with you why why would you do something so heinously ridiculous this is why nobody want to be around you this shit right here and after that we get another no don t listen to that mess you are entitled to occupy space on this planet without apoligizing for your own existence but then that s hilarious see how far that attitude get you tomorrow after everyone ha had time to think about what happened and they realize what an immature out of touch self centered asshole you are have fun dying alone and unremembered and then every few minute the pattern repeat itself in an infinite loop of madness half assed self justification and shame this can go on for day sometimes week or month but it never permanently stop sometimes a certain song a smell a facebook memory or a half heard remark from across the room will launch my as back in time to tear myself to shred over an instance that ha been dead buried and forgotten by the rest of the human race except for me lather rinse repeat go fuck yourself wave of abject misery and self loathing interspersed with flash of contentment that might occasionally brighten thing up but it never really stop or get any better the best i can really hope for is the drop off in frequency that occurs after a few week or ideally i might forget about the incident entirely until i get hit with a trigger again at least", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 513, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0080", "text": "been depressed my whole life it feel like i used to have hope maybe high school wa rough but college will be my time to have fun and be happy then college wa traumatizing but i told myself thing will be better once i get a job and am done with school well guess what the time ha come and working 9 is a hell worse than all the others my whole life ha been miserable and it ha only gotten worse and worse why on earth would i believe thing will get better it ha never happened that s just on a personal level too with everything that s going on in the world environmentally politically even if i wa a mentally happy person who can honestly feel optimistic about the future of humanity after experiencing the past couple year my spirit feel truly crushed in a way i can t even describe even if i heal some of my mental illness what s the point what do i have to look forward to working til i die the thing i d do just to feel happy for one day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 193, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0081", "text": "i wa strongly recommended by my therapist to return to a physical hobby for my mental health and did so to great positive effect i have severe anxiety and depression and this hobby help about a much a medication or talk therapy doe and both of those work decently well for me i need all three at this point it make me do better at work all week and help prevent long slump of mental health issue if i miss a session it affect me for day currently i do this three time a week and day a week is during normal working hour i either return to work after or make up the work other day of the week i have a very flexible schedule am exempt and have been at this job for over 9 year it s after most of team i manage is offline for the day but plenty of my other colleague are still online and would theoretically want to have meeting my office ha no issue with thing like a standing actual medical appointment including therapy the problem is it look like a fun thing and it is a fun thing it s just also essential for me continuing to function a a person and an employee for reference before i started this i wa considering taking intermittent fmla instead which i ve had to do in the past and now that s unlikely any tip for talking about it a recurring appointment is how i ve framed it to people and i do reschedule if it is in conflict with something essential my new manager just asked to see the detail of my calendar my previous manager did not and now i m feeling anxious about what it s titled and how to describe it honestly i m now feeling anxious about everything i ve put on my schedule that help me work better and is within office policy allowance but is atypical like 0 minute early afternoon break that i block off a tentative because i often turn into a non functional blob for a bit around pm", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 363, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0082", "text": "i m fine i m fine i m fine until once again i m back in the pit and i m wondering how long do i need to keep doing this for when i stare at my computer screen another fucking 9 day of meaningless clicking so i can earn barely enough money to survive comparing myself with other people my age depresses me i m not so successful and i probably didn t live up to anyones expectation including my own but the more i think about it based on all my trauma and self hatred where i am kinda make sense but the thought of i need to continue living like this idling just living in the same page everyday why i have a vacation booked and then what i come back to the same meaningless routine every time after a vacation im more depressed that my life is how it is do i want to change sure how i don t even have the energy or motivation nor do i have the strength or idea some day i feel like im living in my own paradox or dream that my life isn t even real the past few week i been reliving my trauma and all the shit i went through continuously in my head why i don t even know maybe i m trying to understand myself all i get are mood swing bad attitude and burst of anger maybe i should get on med", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0083", "text": "i m worrying about having schizophrenia psychosis every day it s gotten to the point where i can t do normal stuff without thinking about my sanity whenever i talk to someone i always over analyze conversation i feel like people don t like me or make fun of me and it make me question my sanity too i do overthink my own behavior a well i always feel like i m behaving like a crazy person and people just don t want to tell me im crazy which make me think im delusional and the cycle go on with almost everything hell i even feel like a crazy person writing this post i d been to psychiatrist before and he told me i have ocd and anxiety but i just can t believe it i don t feel like a normal person and i m tired of this am i really going crazy if not then what the hell am i supposed to do to stop this if u find my text confusing then sorry english is my second language and i m still learning", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 190, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0084", "text": "no one care literally no one care even the mental health service they discharged me because i wasn t engaging with them enough and my case is too difficult for them i wa on a waiting list and wasn t even receiving any therapy i tried to appeal their decision but they re not listening and at this point i already accepted the fact that i must unalive myself i don t have any friend family i don t have a job because nobody want me due to my mh problem what s the point of trying i ve been trying to change myself but it seems like my depression is winning and nothing will ever change i know i have to do this i m 9 and i know i m young but i don t have a choice i already decided i will od next week on my 0th birthday my problem started when i wa born and will finally end next week i m scared but i hope i ll never wake up", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0085", "text": "a of lately i have been under a considerable amount of stress which cause me to have uncontrollable anxiety about most of the time i m awake now i ve noticed a new side affect from this my nervous habit tic from childhood are starting to come back the more stressed out i am the more i have this strange uncontrollable compulsion to kind of clench tense my abdominal muscle over to my rib cage and also tense my neck muscle a strange a it sound i start to get a very uncomfortable sensation if i don t do it for a certain amount of time this habit is causing a lot of strain on my back side and a lot of stomach pain acid reflux i ve tried working on breathing exercise to stop and distract myself but nothing quite work doe anybody else get these strange nervous habit or tic i have adhd and diagnosed anxiety i m not sure if that would be related i ve considered even seeing a therapist to attempt getting help with this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0086", "text": "m i apologise greatly if this offends anyone i can t help but think the worst back in 0 0 i had a noticeable change in my bowel habit and google dent me into a total spin i had a fit test in june 0 0 which came back negative i had a ct scan of my abdomen and pelvis with contrast in june 0 0 which came back clear i had a colonoscopy in august 0 0 nothing wa found i had an mrcp in january 0 all clear now march 0 my symptom have not eased and gotten worse i have loose stool all of the time if they are solid they are flat ribbon weight loss and persistant nausea i don t have pain so i don t meet the ibs criterion my consultant now want to carry out a ct colonography and a chest ct i am worried that something ha been missed from 0 0 and it ha sat on the back burner for nearly year", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0087", "text": "and tell my that i will be ok and my life is not in shamble because of a stupid stupid decision i made it s been day that i have not slept but just thought about the situation i can t seem to solve i should have just not tried to overachieve some shit and now i am left with nothing nothing and my career is even worse than if i had just done nothing i am shaking i am anxious although i have never had mental health issue before and my life is a mess every stability i knew is getting pulled away from me and i have even failed myself at giving myself some stability everything is a mess please i can t deal with it at all i want to wake up in a different life every morning i can t get a break from being anxious and worrying not even for some sleep that is how badly my brain is coping hope there will be some answer to help me cope ha anyone else hat a full week of constant anxiety", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 188, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0088", "text": "im currently taking psych med zoloft buspar and lithium i also take topamax and gabapentin for chronic migraine but my psychiatrist like to consider all of these psych med even though the topamax and gabapentin and prescribed by my neurologist and i felt no difference in my mood when going on these med ive taken zoloft and buspar for over year and lithium for over year now amp x 00b i wa recently diagnosed with idiopathic hypersomnia by a sleep medicine doctor and they recommended me going on modafinil my primary doctor said this medication would probably help me a lot and i wa really looking forward to maybe having some energy again and doing something other than sleeping lol the sleep doctor wanted my psychiatrist to prescribe the modafinil but my psychiatrist almost gave me an ultimatum she pretty much said that if i go on the modafinil she want me to come off of one of the other med amp x 00b i told her if that wa the case then forget about it i really didn t want to risk my mood slipping again especially because it not like my mood is a 0 0 right now or anything it okay but i don t consider myself happy or cured she then compared me being on so many med i also take med for hypothyroidism and high cholesterol to watching someone smoke 0 pack of cigarette a day and how unhealthy it wa being on so many medication i guess im just confused and hurt i have been seeing her for probably year and she put me on the lithium but now she want to take something away i have voiced to her many many time that i do not feel comfortable doing this but she continues to bring it up and now it like she doesn t want to prescribe this other medication because im on other med amp x 00b i get that i am on a lot of medication but they all are for their own purpose anyone have any idea of how to move forward", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 391, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0089", "text": "lying manipulating aunt taking advantage of my mom forcing my parent apart stealing money stealing clothes for year and counting i couldn t take it my school grade dropped covid hit couldn t muster up the courage to talk to friend had a drive through high school graduation barely graduated at all no uni plan working at a dollar store just floating on with no motivation or will my sister almost suicided but had the courage to talk about it i attempted more time than i can count but couldn t talk about it the closest to death wa when i wa bleeding so much from my neck i dyed the knife and clothes i wa wearing i tried talking about everything but the attempt but those that know stopped talking to me unless i try first wouldn t it be better if i off myself and get it over with it s not like it matter nothing doe another person will just grow up and fill my spot in society life doesn t matter all life is only equal cause it s equally worthless everything is worthless but the few friend that did help me would hurt but it s better to get it over with like a bandaid instead of make them watch me suffer nothing is going my way i m constantly cry myself to sleep i ve been called wise but it s just watered down suicidal thought coming up in normal conversation religion helped for a bit but it s just more rule on how to live i need help but i don t have the will to do anything i just need someone to comfort me i try hugging myself but it just reminds of how lonely i am every time i try reaching out it just end with a passive one word reply we haven t talked in so long how ve you been doing good just cut me off if you don t like talking to me quit playing these mind game and say it to my face i m seriously messed up am i messed up or is everyone else messed up but that s what s socially acceptable no matter how much i hate the world my mind always try to justify thing or see thing from they re point of view even if it s a blatantly bad thing are my friend bad or am i bad i don t know i just feel sad or numb but cover it with a smile so if i can make a difference in someone s life it s a positive one unlike mine i feel like such an attention seeker by talking about what i m going through maybe being anonymous like this is what s letting me write this it s am again so goodnight we ll see if it s the last time i say that or not", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 495, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0090", "text": "i wan na start by saying i feel like i have nothing left i m and i have no money broken car bad job abusive toxic friend i m so mentally broken i can t hold onto companionship i need attention from the people i love and i go crazy mentally when i m alone i ve finally reached the point where i can t think straight anymore i let my friend who i deeply loved and thought wa close with me take advantage of me and massively hurt me to a point where i m getting trauma because of the situation i got attached online to a bunch of people who wanted to care about me and told me that they loved me only for me to send selfies and their entire mood change i feel like a monster i m so filled with rage and bitterness and sadness the thing i take enjoyment in make me mad i constantly check my one friend status every min and see her happy with others and rage just shoot over me the thing they did to me affected me so much mentally and it s making me insane i can t cope anymore i need someone new i need this pain to lessen before i go crazy what do i do please someone tell me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 225, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0091", "text": "i m so bored with life i know it s not worth living i don t have anyone to hang out with or do thing with so all i do is go to work and stay home i m an adventurous outdoorsy and outgoing person and love getting out there and doing thing but i have no transportation and don t know how to ride a bike i can barely afford to take lyft and uber to work and back home my life ha no excitement to it and there is nothing interesting about it everything is pointless like i work in a grocery store a an order picker for example and what s the point of helping people shop for grocery they are going to need again the next week it s the same thing day after day and week after week it s all pointless what we do today won t matter in a month or year i m just done with this whole life thing sometimes i get legitimately pissed off for the simple fact that i wa even born and not aborted i wish every day my birth mom aborted me now i m just a worthless sack of shit taking up space and sucking up air i have tried making my life worth living by moving to a warmer climate getting a better job and starting my own business but the excitement of it all wear off everything turned out to be a flop i can t do anything right since i don t belong here i firmly believe my existence is an accident not they type of accident of an unplanned pregnancy but like i wa never meant to exist type of accident i realized a long time ago i don t belong in this world and i honestly don t want to be a part of it anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 318, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0092", "text": "i met with my new psychiatrist today and she wa super nice and honestly so much better than the last one i m happy i have her now and i like her a lot i just forgot to ask her about the new medication i m taking so i already take wellbutrin and remeron i wa taking hydroxyzine but she just changed that out for propranolol which really isn t the one i m nervous for i m nervous because she prescribed me viibrid i m working my way up to 0mg i wouldn t be nervous about it if i wasn t on remeron which i take mg and it s really only to sleep and that s it it doesn t do anything else the thing is i know both of these drug can increase serotonin and i m terrified of serotonin syndrome especially since i m going to be going away from my house for a little while i called the pharmacy to ask about the interaction and they said at the dosage i m at is a very low change but i m still a bit scared ha anyone taken these medication together and been okay or doe anyone know if i will be okay if i do take them together", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 230, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0093", "text": "i started therapy for the panic attack that i ve been having it s definitely helped and my therapist recommended that i d benefit from having a medication to take a needed he thought this would help me continue to push the boundary that trigger the panic and that those exposure would help resolve thing he s a sole practitioner and a lcsw i made the appointment with my regular doctor who told me that even with the therapist recommendation he wouldn t write a prescription for a controlled substance and i needed to see a psychiatrist i didn t know these drug were controlled another month pass by while i wait for the psychiatrist appointment hour and 0 later they tell me the same thing they will only prescribe something that i take every day i don t want to take daily medication and my therapist seems to think that s not the best choice i m not a doctor and am just trying to do the best i can to get better am i asking for something crazy is there a medication that isn t controlled that i could ask for or reference i m trying really hard to get out of my comfort zone and get thing back to normal both for me and for my family i feel like a drug seeker now and am embarrassed to go see another psychiatrist i m not sure what i m supposed to do next", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 248, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0094", "text": "i am i live at home i have a boring low paying job housing is impossible to afford and i m in a long distance queer relationship i have bpd dysthymia cptsd i don t think that my perception of reality is something that i could ever trust i m in therapy i m medicated nothing is really helping since i have relationship destroyer disease obviously my relationship is not doing the best entirely because i can t perceive anything for what it is i self sabotage constantly and i ruin everything i touch nothing feel real and everything feel dependent on whatever is happening in the moment i don t trust myself i will continue to ruin my own happiness for the rest of my life because treatment doesn t fucking help me with this shit ive been doing some ideation thinking about a plan i don t want to die and leave everyone behind but being here is too much for me to do forever i m and it feel like i m 9 i m so tired already and i m so scared i feel so alone i just want it to be over", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 206, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0095", "text": "ah well today wa my first day at university it wa okay kinda i had fun with the friend i had but there wa also a lot of stuff that made me feel small and pathetic first of all a friend and i got to the wrong building and went up four floor using the stair we had to go down and do so again with the right one it s embarrassing to admit but i m not exactly an active person so it left me exhausted and kinda dizzy i felt pathetic and wished no one wa there to see me like that i got together with my group of friend after that and to be honest i m irritated at myself for not talking more it made me feel kind of excluded even though i know that wasn t the fault of my friend after that i got lost when i had to go back in train because someone in my family said they were gon na give me a ride but didn t give me the right direction got blasted on phone for being late and when i got home i felt really awful i hate causing others inconvenience and i felt like i totally did when i wa eating a bit once i got back i noticed something strange in my mouth and whaddya know the gum behind the third molar is swollen but doesn t hurt my brain went into overdrive and now assumes it s my wisdom tooth even when this ha happened before and it wa nothing i m tired", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 271, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0096", "text": "in 0 0 my wife and i moved back to my small hometown due to price of living and being closer to family since then it ha been just the worst year of my life the pandemic started getting serious so we distanced ourselves from my family because everyone wa still going out and acting like we weren t in a plague we have small child one ha a very weak immune symptom we were basically ostracized and told how selfish we were to a point where i got very close to taking my own life thing got better but i m not a close to my mom a i used to be the whole ordeal made me realize how much of a narcissist she is and that she turn everything into a fight recently we pulled my year old out of pre school because many kid i his class got covid with the intent of sending him back a soon a he can get vaccinated my mom is constantly fighting with me and my wife saying we are failing my son anytime i try to even explain my side she turn it into a fight i m at a point where i just can t do it anymore i m mentally exhausted in my head i m already planning on selling our house in the hopefully near future and moving this is just me venting because i have no one else to vent to i can t connect with anyone here in this town because most of them never got out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 269, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0097", "text": "i ll go back to the beginning i started dating a girl i feel i really fell in love with it lasted only month but i really felt something for her there were a few time i asked to be intimate with her with the last time her telling me she thought she wa asexual i wa fine with that and wa trying my best to adapt she wasn t a touchy partner but my love language is touch whenever she asked to tone it down i did everything i could to tone it down though in hers and my whole friend group s eye i didn t try hard enough she broke up with me over text with a long paragraph not in person because our friend group probably told her i wa shaking from anxiety that morning i talked to a friend who wasn t in the friend group about what i knew wa going to happen the girlfriend got very upset with me about that but i felt like i couldn t talk to anybody about it without them telling the girlfriend about how scared i wa i admit talking to someone else instead of her wa wrong but i felt like if i talked to the girlfriend about how scared i wa of the break up it wa going to get worse she told me i made everyone uncomfortable that i don t listen or have boundary after reading that long break up paragraph i spiraled i ran somewhere the group wouldn t find me and i completely broke down it wa so bad that i wa taken to the hospital because of my thought of self harm and worse i lost that friend group that girlfriend a lot of people from that place there s only one person in that friend group that still talk to me and i think she s annoyed with how much i dream about everyone no one in the group talk about me anymore i wa easy to get rid of and easy to forget what suck more is that this isn t the first time this happened in that group i always knew that one wrong move and i wa next and then it actually happened i haven t been able to keep track of time or my own memory i haven t been sleeping well either too little or too much i ve been using pot a lot more than i had before and i m exhausted all day every day all i want is to die", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 432, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0098", "text": "i can t i m so done i wa born female and i hate it being seen a a beta male suck nobody take me fucking serious and then the fact i m bisexual fucking hell i started forcing myself to only like woman because i hate being attracted to men it disgust me i can t anymore i just had the biggest panick attack imaginable i want to just rip out my female part and fucking unlive myself i m so uncomfortable with myself and i hate how people view me i will never be a real man i do not have male chromosome i don t have male genitalia this is all in my head and i m fuckinf mentally ill this shit ha made me depressed and desperate the worst people are the one telling me to be proud and embrace it fuck no this shit isnt normal and i wont pretend it is i cant fucking take this anymore i m only and i cant imagine living another day with this shit i m not a man nor a woman im some disgusting inbetween shit and i cant take it anymore being a fucking freak i already survived two suicide attempt and i regret still being alive", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0099", "text": "i want to end it so badly now everything in my life is pain if it is not my own mind tearing me to piece it is how people treat me and people like me i can t take this life i have no real friend i am a stranger to my family i work so hard to eek out some sort of life but all i have is a dinky apartment that i don t leave very often because i can t afford to do anything i fucking hate my existence every day stupid shit happens that have greater consequence example i wa getting in bed and my knee bumped my nightstand which launched oz of water on my router and soaked the bottom of the computer i have thrown a lot of money and effort into i don t even know if it will turn on anything i put effort into always get destroyed everyone i love always leaf life is a pointless never ending nightmare tomb with only one way out i want the fuck out of this hell", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0100", "text": "hi i m new here and most of the time i m in a real good place life ha been really good since i had therapy i haven t felt like i want to end it in maybe five or six year now and that is not what i feel right now but i do feel emptiness and shallow i like to create to many thing but after i share them all of the feeling disappear i don t feel good about it anymore and when i m alone it s a if every thought in my head want to feel bad i feel like cry but no tear come and it s frustrating even i don t know who to talk to because everyone is so busy and i feel like disturbing god what do i do singing frustrates me and i m a vocalist i am taking a long walk right now but kind of lost the strength in my leg or my will to go further at the moment of writing i ll continue after typing this i guess", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 184, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0101", "text": "for the past month i ve been ill and every er urgent care and pediatrician say that nothing is wrong with me after several trip to my school psychologist because of anxiety i ve deduced that these are probably long covid symptom cool i guess since the monday before last i ve been waking up with headache that don t go away i immediately started getting anxious and started researching my symptom immediately google say it s brain cancer great i m and all i ve been thinking about since this started wa how i m going to die soon they ve checked all the problem area except in my head i want to get an mri but the oncoming medical bill are looming over my head i m also scared of the result on one hand i could have a tumor cancer that might kill me and on the other hand i could be wasting everyone s time my pediatrician suck and will probably just say it s anxiety which is probably the secondary issue not the primary one i m just so tired and so scared i feel like i have no one to talk to and it s consuming my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0102", "text": "hi together i m working up a lot with myself lately a it s difficult to get help in my country in europe right now long waiting time and little chance to get good therapy i wa diagnosed with a mild depressive episode a few year ago however i have not been well for several year therefore i think that this is not the whole truth stress feeling i have noticed that a lot of my behavior can be traced back to feeling stressed this feeling of stress is in my opinion triggered by a high internal pressure this arises for example from the fear of being abandoned or not doing something right for someone which could also lead to interpersonal punishment unfortunately i learned in my childhood that if i criticize my mother or say something wrong i am quickly punished psychologically she would get loud not talk to me for a while the stress also come from the outside of course time pressure self made time pressure fear of failure i am doing my phd and have been moving up quite fast in management consultancy the last two year have been a sprint and it ha left it mark behavior back to that stress feeling it take on different dimension i unconsciously hurt myself by delicately biting my arm or scratching my nail bed often i just see the mark afters and think oh i did it again i can reproduce it e g by playing a difficult game e g dark soul a soon a i die against a bos fight i unconsciously bite my arm in the loading time i get an extreme craving for sex masturbation multiple time a day and would describe it a compulsive sexual behavior the orgasm is then no fun and i feel exhausted and bad afterwards still i do it i behave in a clingy way and thus ruin relationship because i ask several time in a short time if everything is okay or write message to get confirmation e g that i miss my partner i am completely exhausted after a few day but can not sleep", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 365, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0103", "text": "hi all me again i ve f experienced a barrage of unfavorable stressful event since the beginning of 0 this ha created a constant baseline of lingering anxiety it s not subtle i am no longer able to function normally due to the chronic flight or fight response physical symptom include sweating tight chest and a pumping stomach adrenaline overload i can t perform simple task without losing my breath sleep is important to me yet i have an overhanging feeling of dread when going to bed sometimes i can sleep smoothly other time it s a war my main form of peace and solace ha become my enemy my doctor recommended i start on lexapro again – something that i had taken during my college day to cope with severe test anxiety by day it created a serotonin fueled brain overload my symptom intensified by a magnitude of 00 i wa unable to sleep for hour it caused me to pas out at work and chat with onsite medic my psychiatrist told me to stop the lexapro i wa instead given 0 mg propranolol taken twice daily and 0 mg hydroxyzine to help me fall asleep i wa also given 0 mg trazodone to knock myself out if needed but i only felt that i had to take this the first night to force reboot my body wa terrified of going into psychosis if i went another night with zero sleep i m at a loss everything is hard i m seeing a therapist to cope i m scared of losing my job it s physically and intellectually demanding but brain machine broke and i m unable to properly focus i m scared of having to move all the way back home because of my instability i often find myself wondering if this is a life worth living it doesn t help that i live alone in the middle of nowhere i ll use this thread to update my progress i know lot of folk are going through this keeping people informed of treatment and whatnot that may help them in turn is one of the small piece of hope that i m holding onto during these uncertain time much love thetipsyalchemist", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 395, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0104", "text": "tw sh suicide i m a year old still in high school with depression anxiety intrusive thought and a emerging personality disorder i got diagnosed year ago now and once i heard that it wa overwhelming it made me feel labelled a a kid who wa no longer a kid but a mentally ill person and it wa horrible it put me in the worst place of my life and after service and service all spoke to me the most important thing i realised is that i m never going to be the same person before i wa diagnosed and i had to accept the fact i m not okay that wa the first step into recovery and year in im finally starting to get better bit by bit iknow how hard menial task can be such a getting out of bed showering eating etc which is why i m glad so many people know how hard it is to having people who understand is another key thing that helped me start to recover a a lot of other people suffering from depression i self harmed and i self harmed for a year and a half it became almost an addiction and for the first time since i started i can finally say i no longer want to do it i m currently day sober from a relapse after month sober relapsing is a part of recovery which is a thing i m still learning because when you relapse you don t think this is natural your first thought it oh ffs all that progress i made is gone but intact it s not it s just a part of it i also suffer from suicidal tendency meaning that i have constant suicidal thought and i have attempted time it sound bad and it is but i m glad i did because it made me realise how much i want to live the last one wa the worst one my mum found me hanging in my room and cut me down and instead of going ballistic she listened to me and got me the help i needed now me and my whole family are closer than ever so a horrible situation worked out the best i decided to write this to let people read if they want to and know that no matter how bad you are at that point there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel cliche but true and make sure you don t lose track of the most important instinct survival thank you for reading it mean a lot", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 446, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0105", "text": "i know a lot of people are like you ll get over him over time and shit like that but he wa the best thing to have happened to me at this point it s not even love it s way more than that i put him up on a pedestal and admired him he made me so happy i m not close with any of my friend or family but with him i wa the most comfortable my world revolved around him because he deserves the world and more the way he helped me when i wa at my worst made me feel so appreciated i can go on and on hour and hour year and year talking about the love i have for him but no word can fully express it but of course he left me and it s all my fault he told me he didn t see himself being happy in the long run due to how high maintenance i wa that broke me in just a second my whole world is gone and it s all my fault i just wish i could reverse time and change the way i acted the only thing stopping me from committing suicide is the fact that we can still get back together but i just feel so hopeless right now i have had hopeless and suicidal thought before but he always wa by my side and helped me through it all now without him i basically have nothing all i want right now is him i ll give up anything for him i ll give up my phone all my money my academic achievement even my body part for him he is all i want and all i see and it s killing me and i feel so fucking selfish for that he said he wouldn t be happy with me in the long run and here i am begging for him back i m so mad at myself for making him feel unhappy yet still wanting to be with him he deserves more than me but i still want him i can t live without him and i can t live with myself i just want to talk to someone who went through is going through the same experience a me i feel stupid for putting my whole world into someone s hand but it felt like they deserved my whole world i feel so alone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 411, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0106", "text": "what s dating relationship like for the rest of you more specifically i m curious what it s like for those of u who have partner do they make it easier or harder are they supportive patient understanding and partner of those struggling with depression i would love to hear from i am incredibly lucky to have a partner that is all of those thing yet sometimes that can make me feel so much worse i m a huge burden on him a huge worry every night he call every cut he cry for everytime i pitifully sob in his arm he cradle me and tell me it will be okay and yet he try to keep his shitty day to himself i feel like he s disconnected me from his emotion so i have one le thing to worry about but i want him to talk to me i often feel like i should break up with him to spare him from me i know he can do so much better but i promised i wouldn t make his choice for him and i meant it i love him too much to even see that a a real option often time he s the only person i talk to all day the only reason i take care of myself leave the house work for him i don t want to be a weight on his shoulder", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 240, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0107", "text": "or having a good day like aren t you supposed to be depressed if you keep acting like this nobody will believe you that kind of mentality i take hard class i take the max number of credit i can because if i m not working i m wasting time i don t study for shit i get good grade surely this must mean i m decently smart but i fucking hate that my grade don t drop noticeably because i wish someone would notice or just care or something but i clearly can t stand feeling like a failure more and it doesn t make sense because i feel like a failure all the time why not one more it extends to stupider shit too like being in a good mood laughing stuff i m not happy but it s like the reflex is still there and i m so good at hiding it i don t know what i m like when i m actually happy but i m guessing better le angry awkward and doe this mean people like that version of me better or do they just think this is me normal fuck me i wouldn t ever go up to someone and ask for help i couldn t do it but it would just be nice to have someone be concerned for me naturally without me asking", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0108", "text": "hey guy been lurking on here for a while but finally here to make my first post trigger warning talk of suicidal ideation ironically enough it s anxiety that prevented me from ever posting but we re doing it now i never struggled with anxiety very badly before the pandemic i wa in my first year of college and life ha always been good to me but last year after i went back to school for my second year thing never felt quite the same i now realize it wa general anxiety but it wa kind of scary i wa always stressed sometimes i wouldn t be able to fall asleep at night for a few day in a row everything i did or didn t do felt like a huge deal then i had my first panic attack and severe anxiety attack in the early spring and i finally looked into what wa going on i talked about it with friend and family and that ha helped me get through it then this fall came i wa working 0 hour a week while being a full time math student on the side the anxiety wa worse than it had ever been the level of generalized anxiety wa heightened and the anxiety attack on the side would sometimes push me to suicidal ideation i reached out to on campus treatment and had an appointment scheduled but it got pushed back due to the building that the mental health wa in being closed for a water pipe breaking and the second date didn t work in my busy schedule so i cancelled it it s been a few month since then and my anxiety ha gotten better but still not in a good place i ve gotten really good at normalizing my anxiety telling myself everyone deal with this like i do but after coming home for spring break and talking to my sister and a hometown friend i realize that this is not normal a they both reminded me that there are resource for me that i should pursue i m finally scheduled for counseling next week and am really looking forward to hopefully getting a treatment plan to work through this all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 377, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0109", "text": "i recently got caught at my school with a very small amount of weed my dad ha a number of reason to be worried about this he work in an environment where addict are he ha went to rehab for alcohol in last year ha had sister die of overdose etc he ha not gone to work for day in a row now and he tell me it s because of anxiety whenever i ask him what s on his mind he just say idk and that i can t do anything to help him now mind you i haven t spoken a single word to him about the incident stated at the start even though he is well informed of it every morning around the same time i hear him vomiting i don t have much experience with alcohol so i can t judge too quickly here and i understand i m probably not leaving enough info for anyone else to fully decide too whether this could be anxiety or something else just what should i do in a situation like this ha anyone had any experience with vomiting around the same time due to anxiety", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 198, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0110", "text": "so basically for a long a i can remember i have been terrible in public situation when i have to present i shake and go red but the most difficult thing thats happens is that my throat feel like it closing up and i can not get any word out even if i keep trying this lately ha progressed into seemingly random situation i think it s because im more aware of it i could be talking to some of my friend in a group and suddenly start to choke and can t speak it s made all the more confusing a when i take beta blocker i can speak fine in any situation so i guess this must mean it a mental block if anyone ha ever experienced this or could even point me in the right direction for stuff to read that would be great i have tried googling this issue but can t find anyone similar to me i m not sure if practicing talking to people work in this situation a i literally cant get the word out of my mouth when it happens thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 190, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0111", "text": "im a year old guy in highschool i suffer from bipolar depression and have been addicted to painkiller before and went through rehab during my freshman year during my addiction i had a girlfriend and we decided to go to a dance together she didn t show up my first reaction wa to not worry but all my friend had their date and we re having fun i immediately went into a panic and took too many pill i overdosed and almost died i decided to break up with my girlfriend after the incident and felt it wa best we moved on now i m a junior the first year i m allowed to go to prom and i don t wan na go i m single this year and all my friend have date and are probably going to have fun i don t think i will enjoy myself i don t want to relive a traumatic experience that nearly killed me my parent want me to go because they feel it is really important and will show my emotional growth they say that me going will make them happy and called me selfish when i said i wasn t going my dad keep telling me that i m going and that i need to look for a suit and stuff pretending like nothing is wrong my mom is telling me that i m selfish for not going and that it would make them happy if i would go i don t know what to do can i get some advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 266, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0112", "text": "i am not happy that i am still not better i have tried everything from working out meditating cutting off toxic people exercise being open and expressing myself truly i only noticed that it s getting worst and i have realized for the past few month that i am having bad side effect from my meditation and my doctor didn t even wanted to let me cut of meditation and even lower my dosage but thank goodness he lowered it cause i wa pissed he is also the one that outed me to my father and my aunt his sister then to my mom that i wa gay and he is my nd doctor btw cause my first one wa also dumb and didn t understand my problem i am so tired of this feeling you know a feeling that you don t wan na do stuff but just lay down and wan na cry also a feeling that you don t wan na do stuff or even eat this feeling ha been with me since 0 9 now and even though i tried to be better it just becomes worst and complicated i am running out of idea on becoming better atp thank you for reading this keep safe and take care", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 218, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0113", "text": "i attract awful people into my life because i myself am an awful person i m not oblivious to the fact that i m flawed i keep going back and forth on wether i should become a better person because everyone that ha ever done anything great wa actually a monster with sharp fang the duality of life in human consciousness often torment me and i always feel pulled in either direction causing me to have suicidal thought i try to be good people pick me apart and peel my scab i give into darkness and the universe reward me with earthly delight while my soul weeps the price is the concept of becoming a better person just used to keep u all docile i yearn to return to my eternal sleep but i have these idea that life is worth living simply because the other side is where we go when we do not dream nothing no thing even now i can not decide whether i want to live or die which just go to illustrate the main point of this post this life is a mess of confusion the emphasis on being a good person make me feel like shit for the person i am yet assimilation look to me like narcissistic delusion no good deed go unpunished the path to hell is paved with good intention is the only to bring true good into this world through evil fuck having a brain", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 257, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0114", "text": "i have 0 success in life even duo i wa given every opportunity to grow myself i strugglecwith my mental health for about year now i m at the moment every year i hope thing will change for good but every time i feel immense disappointment i can t find any reason to continue living with every breath of air i feel like poison fill my lung most of my day i stare blankly at a random space imaging my death i crave to die life consists of little to no joy why is suicide considered a cowardly act i believe the opposite is true a the one who kill himself chooses to die in his own circumstance imagine how much power it take to jump off a building or cut one own vein vertically i recently cutted my wrist horizentaly just a little bit i wanted to see blood to feel pain i felt so connected with reality what an amazing experience pain is my only way to remember i m alive physical pain also help me forget of my failure of who i m an empty shell who keep existing a zombie who just want to be buried again if god exists we are all his slave", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 218, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0115", "text": "i think i am meant to die in obscurity i ve been working here for almost year and learned everything from scratch this company is just a mess yet i ve got nowhere else to go last year we had a new guy start and he ended up being my best friend i trained him we literally know everything about each other and we ve gotten close but one thing that bothered me wa that he s gotten two promotion not just small promotion i m talking management business partner promotion within le than month here i am who know the service center and struggling to keep our employee happy and training new people yet i keep getting overshadowed i ve given up on everything now it s clear to me that i personally don t matter anywhere i have to die so i can be reborn or just never be born agai into this pathetic life i m too nice and i m short and dropped out of college i m happy for him because i m such a nice guy and i know his story so i know it s not nepotism and he would be a great fit but so would i not even a freaking interview just to be a temporary solution for a permanent manager so why set yourself up for failure and use somoene who ha not been in this role in over minths and avoid the one person who took everything on and learned everybing from scratch and literally got a pay increase a year after because they diddint fucking realize i had worked for over 0 ymfycmi g year kill me nowjillmekillemememememenediediedeidekillme", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 310, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0116", "text": "everyone say talk to u we re here but when i tell them i want to order off of uber eats and leave my door open so when the delivery guy come he ll find me hanging and that way my family and friend won t have to find my rotting corpse day later they re like what the fuck i don t know if i ll do it but i feel like buying a rope practice tying a noose and planning it out i don t know if it s dangerous to do this because i ll finally have everything i need to actually kill myself or maybe doing it will actually make me chicken out and want to stay around a little bit longer also i don t want to leave my family saddled with my death so i sometimes think about crashing my car on the highway so it look like an accident and my insurance pay them out i want to be able to tell people that this is what i m thinking but when i even begin to let them in it s terrifying for them they want to tell my best friend or my mom or my doctor but nobody is actually there to just listen and not react so i m stuck with these thought on my own", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 228, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0117", "text": "i just got a new girlfriend we both had sex last weekend and it wa great we re both and love each other i ve been pretty depressed during the past year and when i met her everything changed i though she would be my new world and she is but something she told me broke my heart and made me depressed again one of her crackhead mom friend had been touching her in the private area when she wa younger she told me this because she got flashback from that moment while i were doing the same to her she didnt want to hurt me so she did not say anything this made me furious and sad i want to kill that motherfucker so badly and now everytime we have sex she is going to be thinking about that moment after this i told my self to never let this happend to her again although she will always be hurt it hurt me almost just a much to know this i need help tip support anything please", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0118", "text": "i can t cope with being alone again why am i so envious of my closest friend being happy with others while i am here by myself heartbroken and given delusion that i have an actual special relationship with her you told me that i wa your closest friend but why don t you treat me like one why do you look happier when you re with others why do you always make me look like a fool when i show my affection but appreciate any other person when they show theirs i ve always helped you at you at your lowest but why did you give up on me at my lowest there s so much that i want to ask her but i would look pathetic if i do you always tell me in person that i am important to you but why don t you want to spend time with me like the way we used to how can i get used to being alone again it s like i m being choked then allowed to breathe for a second just to get choked again right after my envy won t let me go i still want her i am still hoping i could fix this i want to be happy too but now nobody care if i show sadness i ll be seen a weak why do others get loved and have dependable people with them while i am left alone trying to find answer from people that are lonely too may i ask how can i depend on solely myself again i need to learn how i opened myself too much and now i feel like a husk with everything taken out from me i would not commit suicide but i have no fear of death now if it mean taking away these thought away from me once and for all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 320, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0119", "text": "i m and my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety yesterday meanwhile my mom doesn t leave any chance to make me feel inferior keep barking the world would be a mess if there will be more like you thank god i didn t have another child are some common term i hear everyday but let s skip that i workout almost everyday and took a day break due to a minor injury while bench pressing but now i m just not feeling ok i worked out today and my forearm got so fatigued that i could do nothing so i started with ab again nothing then leg stretching again nothing i m tired of myself i couldn t even tell the doctor what s happening with me i m hitting myself of anger i m shouting i m throwing the weight here and there and what not i ve been feeling really off and am feeling weird my chest is heavy my throat is heavy im not able to cry i m not able to do anything", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0120", "text": "i need therapy and i finally fully acknowledge it i am an unemployment year old student in lebanon middle east not the u my parent are some old school arab folk that would never entertain the idea of me going to therapy and the fact that i could never share the real reason behind it only make thing harder and the possibility of them cooperating even more impossible thankfully i can figure out how to sneak to therapy behind their back and although i have it really hard money wise i could afford a mid to low budget therapist a long a it will get me anywhere it would be the absolute biggest financial burden ever but i guess i got ta heal my problem among a couple lesser one i am what would be best described a in my own word casually suicidal i have been for so long just wanting to die and although i have no intention to act on it it weighs a lot on you to be jealous out of all thing from people that die around you i am scared that talking about it to a therapist might make her have to break confidentiality another thing that i am worried about is that any therapist i d go to might not be okay with me because of my belief i am pretty certain that my nihilistic philosophy backed by my lack of religious belief would have to be talked about problem is that i live in a muslim community and in these community my perspective on religion isnt taken lightly what is your take your opinion and all of that sorry if the text is messy and all over the place i just wanted to journal and thought that i might use this opportunity to take someone s opinion a well", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 310, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0121", "text": "i m and i have bad anxiety debilitating i haven t been able to keep a job since i wa so pretty much ever i wake up early morning hour before i have to be my heart race i black out i puke cough my body shake i have so much fear of being in danger when i leave my house i have the feeling of when will i ever be back i fear that wherever i m working isn t safe i ll be shot i have no issue seeing friend for the most part i do like driving myself so if i need to leave i can i m not relying on anyone feeling like this ha made me loose my job due to me calling out i ruined every job i ve ever had because i call out too much i call out because i m throwing up so much that my body won t move i pee myself i push through the hard morning snd i puke on myself in my car on the way or while i m working and with covid i wa sent home a lot mix that with my call out and i m fired i understand i hate that i m like this i want to be where i work especially now i have my dream job i ve called out time and i just started i feel guilty all day and everyday until i work day and get passed it then it happens again i ve been diagnosed with gad and ptsd but my doctor don t believe in giving me anything most patient would get for these thing i see they are looking out but i m now no car to myself no saving can t have a healthy romantic relationship can t keep a job and most important making me not like myself whatsoever i m letting myself and others down i feel so toxic to my family and friend they say i burn them out with my anxiety snd bad habit im exhausted too please any advice please i just need someone out there to maybe say they know and understand and that they got through this peace love", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 375, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0122", "text": "i m am very depressed i m getting a degree that i have no interest in getting a job in i work in a retail store and feel like i m going to end up stuck in these type of job forever i play video game hour every day i eat unhealthy my living situation stress me out tremendously i don t want to move back in with my parent but i also can t afford to live on my own i have no passion no drive no meaning in life i m so lost why do i feel like i m losing all control of my life like the world is crumbling around me and i m slowly beginning to fall towards my end the worst part about it is i already know what i have to do to fix my depression work out sleep well quit weed quit masturbating quit nicotine eat well and most importantly stop playing video game i just never do any of them sometimes i ll go a few day good get this sense of euphoria and tell myself everything is fine why am i even worried about the future right now i don t need to do any of this stuff i can fix my life whenever then i go back into my depressive whole i cut off everyone and isolate myself background please don t suggest therapy i ve been to three separate therapist ongoing for the last three year", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0123", "text": "lately it s been so hard whenever i m by myself driving i just wish i could let go let go of everything and just die i ve cried for so many day now i m tired i m exhausted i feel miserable hopeless i know my life isn t so hard i know there are better thing to look at i try i really do try everyday my heart hurt and i don t know why i feel so much sadness but whyy i wish i knew i wish i didn t always feel this way i catch myself laying down on my bed just staring off thinking of nothing i m trying my best everyday to at least not cry i want to get better i want to feel happy i want to look forward i have a date tomorrow with my boyfriend i ll start with that i miss him so much i m always hopeful and hope i don t drag him down he s so kind to me and ha always seen the best of me word can t describe how much he mean to me i m sorry for venting but it feel strangely nice thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 206, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0124", "text": "i hate how my body reacts to anxiety by making me ill this last year ha been horrible for me because of it i d say most of the time it s manageable but it s still so exhausting on an emotional and physical level usually it s the standard nausea puking headache whatever but this last three week i ve had a faux cold a in i don t actually have a cold during the part of the day i m stressed out i have horrible symptom but when i m home after school or on the weekend or if i skip because of anxiety said cold go away which is so bizarre to me because i ve had the extreme nausea diarrhea etc that come with anxiety but never sinus related i mean i end up having a terribly runny nose or having hot flash to nothing when i m able to get away from stress the other day i literally had symptom of an ear infection supposedly stress worsens your immune system and i already have allergy so this is probably how that s happening but it s just awful i want to lay down and rest for a few day a if it wa a real cold but i don t need it of course i need to figure out how to settle the emotional stress somehow but i think it s just me being anxious because it s end of the grading session typing this out gave me a headache lmao i hate all of this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 267, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0125", "text": "so let me preface this by saying that i didn t cheat i m in a chemistry class and we just had our final exam i scored a 9 after the curve the average in the class wa 9 i got an a in the course and i wa ecstatic about my grade until i read a post from my college s reddit asking when academic integrity violation would be announced that s what started me down this spiral i started checking my grade every hour for the past three day just to see if it s uploaded so i can know if he think i cheated and reported me i ve been feeling nauseous and shaky i did well on my first test in the class a 9 but the second test i didn t do great a there s no reason for me to think that he think i cheated i ve done well on all the hw and he even said that the majority of the class had a huge improvement from their final compared to their midterm so he replaced the lower test grade w the grade for the final but i still feel so sick idk what to do or how to calm down i feel like i m manifesting it grade are supposed to be updated tomorrow by am so we ll see what happens", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 238, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0126", "text": "over lockdown i started binge eating to get through it wa fucking fantastic i d just get unbelievably stoned and eat and then suddenly it s tomorrow i didn t have to deal with anything but i don t enjoy eating anymore i don t like food it suck and i m at work and i pig out just to try make myself feel better because i guess that s what i do and i felt horrible so i thought hey is a good a year a any to develop an eating disorder so i tried throwing up in the toilet and literally couldn t get anything up i just gagged and then i pull back and suddenly the cloud change and i m just bathed in sunlight kneeling on the floor of a bathroom and i just couldn t stop thinking of those prayer add that say try praying and couldn t stop laughing for like 0 minute i wanted to share because i think it s really funny but who tf am i telling this story to so you get it anyways now i feel spewy af and need a smoke hope you enjoyed xo", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0127", "text": "i am and think i m depressed idk what is but happiness just is not the same anymore it feel bland from what it used to be it all started when my mom separated from my verbally abusive dad when i wa 0 after that is spiraled down and down my aunt uncle grandma and grandpa dying left and right and my aunt turning out to be racist even tho i m her nefew i went to therapy for year but it did not help i dated my best friend who i have known since i wa a kid and it did not work out the relationship is ruined and now we barely talk i have plenty other friend but it doe not feel the same i hate school but my mom say i cant drop out and i have to have the best grade posible i know she is doing what she is supposed to and i wan na try but it so hard to even find the will to stay alive i m very self conscious and do not like the way i look i have a girlfriend but it doe not feel like what i thought it would be and doe not help me mentally at all overall i want to off my self because of the thing that s i ve done and thing i ve been through i don t know what is stopping me i don t think it selfish if i off myself and i don t really see any benefit if i stay alive i don t believe in true love and i m not happy at all really my mom want me to graduate so i can be happy but school make me even more unhappy but i think that s just cause i m a kid i don t even know if i ll make it past let alone go to college i just wan na know why can t i be happy", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 338, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0128", "text": "i think the pandemic hit me hard i moved out of my childhood home of 0 year week before the pandemic hit i had worked job and saved for year for a deposit on a place of my own which in the very expensive city i live in wa 0kms away from my family it felt like such an amazing achievement at the time but ever since then mentally i ve never been the same i am so lonely yet i enjoy living alone i am a highly anxious person i always wa but now i just worry all the time i move about life with a permanent storm cloud over my head i struggle to regulate my emotion i am getting more and more overweight and can not seem to stop eating bad food i quit my job in 0 and got a new one but i have never quite been happy or settled there i have tried mindfulness regular exercise breathing technique everything you can think of i went to the doctor for help with regulating my low mood and she put me on the pill which ha made thing even worse i am feeling thing lower than ever before i had a really bad day at work today and for the first time ever i thought not in any way seriously or actionable but the thought popped into my mind how suicide would be an option to not have to deal with thing everyone around me seems to be so busy with husband wife kid activity etc i seem to be getting left behind how do i cope with this how do i get back to being happy and determined and not so down and low", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0129", "text": "it s been five year and a couple day now since my first major attempt i m not too sure how i feel to be honest ha life improved well not really of course after that first attempt i tried a couple more time i think if we look at the net value i m relatively in the same spot a i wa five year ago vibing on the bridge thankfully i m not too upset about that i think sadness and my inability to get out of said sadness is something that i will have to live with i m getting better at fighting it that s for sure are some day tiring and fucking unbearable of course but now i m just content with existing sad day are hard some day are easy i think i m just shocked that i m still alive well i definitely know that younger me would be shocked i m still kicking around maybe he d be happy that i stayed for this long there really isn t any point to this post just a bit of selfish self congratulation and the ability to say i m still alive guy i hope everyone ha a good day it s raining where i am but it s really nice to look at", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 222, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0130", "text": "so a couple month ago i finally had the courage to tell my girlfriend i wa cutting myself we ve since broken up but that doesn t matter too much she expressed her sympathy but then abruptly got up to go to the bathroom i wa concerned but she told me not to follow because this wa at school and i wouldn t be allowed so i trusted that her bladder just had terrible timing so i waited after a couple minute go by i start to get worried and that s when the teacher tell me that she found her cry in the bathroom and sent her to the counsellor office and i should go check on her i go to find her and she tell me that she had a panic attack because she ha trauma related to self harm i m obviously concerned for her but at the same time i m so angry she didn t even tell me anything wa wrong we talk for a bit and cry a lot but then the counsellor say they want to talk to her and i should get back to my class so i go back to class and i have to pretend that everything s ok that i haven t been experiencing the lowest point of my mental health ever and i have to go through it alone eventually she come back but only to grab her thing she tell me she s going home because she already had a bad morning and that it s not my fault all i wanted wa for someone to be there for me and the only person i could talk to just left i can t talk to counsellor because i m terrified of what would happen if my parent found out this happened month ago and i m still so angry at this i don t even talk to her anymore but i don t know how to deal with this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 338, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0131", "text": "amp x 00b so i m in my thirty i m about to finish my phd in one of the world s best university and this morning i felt fine i usually revert to writing in here a a way of emptying my soul and feeling better usually it work and it ha taken me from the deepest pit of my depression to a milder state of mind not to a happy place mind you but to a lower scale bout of depression i come from a rocky couple of year i have discovered that my old supervisor had tricked an exam against me to have me fail and kicked out of the uni check my older post for this story also involving the examiner the full professor who deemed me too ugly fat and stupid for a phd full quote i have found support in the wider academic world with a world renown name offering me a job first and then agreeing to supervise me if i had not taken it i have sued the university kind of it wa a process internal to the university but i had to hire a lawyer i have won a crushing win against the faculty i have never seen a similar humiliation for a faculty and an examiner said a friend and former judge i have repeated the exam i have passed the exam i am now a month from submission my new supervisor and my friend unofficial supervisor have just promoted my dissertation with flying color so i basically need to write a conclusion of a couple of page cross the t dot the is and hand in what ha been long year of my life should have been but these shenanigan robbed me of full year of my life i am however today back in the pit of the grad school depression a i am not sure it is finished remember the humiliated full professor above when i passed the exam one of the examiner wa a friend of his who basically did everything in his power to fail me i passed because the other examiner took my side in the shouting match it wa ugly a fuck and basically told me that the humiliation of me winning in court could not pas without further action now i even though my dissertation is unassailable i do not trust the university and i am fully expecting a final hack job at the thesis defence and against that i am powerless", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 431, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0132", "text": "i would like to know if anyone ha experienced the same thing a me or at least close to it and how ha he coped or even solved it to get you up to speed last summer i had to go meet my long distance girlfriend and thats when it all started a week prior to her coming to see me i wa gagging when eating and generally feeling sick because i wa afraid worried of meeting her which wa not normal of me but it happend during that period i did not think any of it a i thought it would stop happening after i meet her and leave again but it stayed i have it when i am going to school and when i eat from the time i leave my house and reach the school i gag all the way but when i step my foot there it stop when i eat after i finish i will start gagging and fight with my self not to puke january of this year came and i had almost removed it from my daily life maybe because i got used to the thing i wa doing so they did not give me anxiety but when i have to do something out of the ordinary it get me for example when i went to a car meet week ago the day where the car meet wa hosted i wa feeling a bit sick and right before i left my house i puked out of anxiety i dont know how to remove it completely from my life all i want it to just live freely with out having to worry if my gagging anxiety will kick in if someone can help me or give me a tip i would gladly appreciate it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 309, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0133", "text": "during spring break i found out my mom ha cancer i don t want to go back to school now because i want to spend a much time a i can with her just in case and i can t imagine not living without her i thought we would have so much time together but now i m not sure she s my best friend and i can t live without her i have no motivation to go to class do work study or even go pack to school i m in the middle of jointing a sorority too and i can t bring myself to go to go back to campus to go to event or anything when internally im miserable and screaming i thought life wa going well but now it s not i m not suicidal at all since i m scared of death and could never take my own life but i just want to sleep and not exist i don t want to feel like this at all and i want help but i feel like i won t get it until i do something to be taken seriously i even feel like my friendship are falling apart the one consistent happiness in my life is volleyball and now all my friend are going to play on team without me and i feel so betrayed i feel like everything is piling up at once and i m so overwhelmed and i m gon na screw myself over with school bc im depressed please give me any advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 266, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0134", "text": "today i had an important college presentation to do but since last night i ve been so dead feel like with my brain my body ha also given up i have to pull myself together to even get out of bed i had to wake up early today and i did but i just couldn t leave my bed i wa cry so much the whole night for no specific reason i decided not to go and explained my partner that i won t make it i told them how i wa feeling funnily they re my best friend who were doing the presentation w me one of them said i didn t have the ball to just say it straight to their face that i just don t want to go because i m being lazy or whatever it hurt me so much how do i explain this to them it make me feel like i m good for nothing i feel like a piece of shit for not doing thing i should be doing everyday it keep on getting worse for me i tried therapy but it just expensive and doesn t work for me plus i always have this stress of spending so much on therapy being a student if this is how it going to be like then i don t even wan na carry on lmao i d rather just kill myself but i can t do that also because i m such a coward and always think about the consequence of my action and how other people would have to deal w it the shame that my parent will have to face i have so much fear and anxiety it so difficult to survive", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0135", "text": "i m fucked up badly with my 9f ex girlfriend and now i m so guilty of how i handled thing i m punishing myself mentally and physically i ve lost nearly 0lbs from not eating and going the gym so now i m around lb at i don t leave the house unless i have to and i just exist in my room everytime i smile or laugh i stop instantly because i don t feel like i deserve to feel happiness anymore i think i ve had a mental breakdown because i m so guilty all the time and i can t seem to forgive myself because it doesn t even feel real that i d decide to make the choice i made i don t even know who i am anymore if i can be so deeply confused at choice i ve made in hindsight imagine knowing deep in your heart you ve met the love of your life and you ve thrown it all away because you can t handle a simple issue", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0136", "text": "this is pointless this is all pointless living loving everything there only one thing one person i want more than death and i can t have him nobody want me around so whats the point of wasting my time suffering for no reason when all i do is waste air and people time a i force them to hang out with me nobody actually seek to hang out with me it s always me being lonely and wanting to hang out and them not having any excuse to say no they are indifferent if i leave or not indifferent if i die or not maybe i d get a pity aww like if a friend family member died you don t know them you just say aww out of sympathy sometimes i want sympathy i want someone to pretend for just a moment that they want me and they want to hug me and truly mean it people think i m always just saying depressing thing to fish for sympathy and hell what if i am maybe i need it maybe i need someone to actually care even for just a second about how shitty my life is my mind constantly go in circle awful stupid terrible circle of hatred i hate myself i hate the people around me i hate life i cut the people around me out of my life for their sake and mine and all it doe it make me hate myself and them even more im so desperate i can hardly stop myself from crawling back to them even though it only hurt me more i don t know how to solve this suicide is so painful and i m a pussy so there aren t many option i don t think i can stand to make it more year to be to buy a gun there ha to be something i can do in the mean time anyone with idea lmk lt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 331, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0137", "text": "i have severe cardiophobia due to two traumatic week of my life i suffer from hyperthyroidism which cause intense palpitation and very high rhr the first bout happened back in 0 and my rhr wa in the 0 0 got put on an anti thyroid med a beta blocker metoprolol er mg and potassium helped out tremendously and i ll be honest wa never anxious until this second round in july august of 0 9 i made the stupid as mistake of stopping all of my medication because i wa feeling good again well wouldn t ya know it come february 0 0 my thyroid went hyperactive again and the difference is this time i have crippling anxiety a well a crippling cardiophobia it got to the point that i went to my cardiologist had a panic attack and during the ekg my pulse wa 0 so now i m on metoprolol er mg x a day and my thyroid ha improved at least since the last time my level got checked so now i m on mg of methimazole instead of the mg i wa on the first round of treatment fast forward to now and all i have to say is the last couple day a well a today ha been quite the day so far i m currently at my girlfriend s house and wanted to go home since yesterday i wa too lightheaded to drive and it would ve been a horrible decision to risk it well we re getting ready to leave and a soon a i stand up the ol kicker decides to kick it into high gear and my pulse went from the 0 90 which i know is quite high but wa already a bit anxious beforehand and decided i needed to be up in the 0 0 for the fuck of it needle to say i feel the comedown of all the anxiety and man doe it suck hoping i get to be back home today so i can have the peace of mind that i won t have to leave to go anywhere for a bit p s my girlfriend and i live minute apart i would ve for sure chanced driving if we lived closer but that s a long as time in a car when you feel like you re just gon na drop at any given moment", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 438, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0138", "text": "i really hate everything about myself i hate what i sound like look like my body my personality i really can t do this anymore and i won t try to i really wish i looked so much different wasn t a annoying a chatterbox i hate that i know i won t get better people call me a fighter for my disease but i hate it i wish i didn t have the clusterfuck of shit inside me i wish i wa pretty or maybe cute a cute cat a rabbit man something so i won t have to understand what people say about me i hate my body but i use fashion a my coping mechanism i never really wa able to my ex didn t like me wearing anything form fitting or revealing now that i can i find out that i probably don t have a lot of time to also definitely not the fund to when i wear something i like i feel nice and free but i also hate what i see in the mirror i said i wanted to be a cat or a rabbit but maybe a rock instead just chilling by the beach on the sand or some stream maybe a kid will take me and glue me on some paper glue sand rock seashell glitter amalgamation which will eventually be thrown in the trash to god know where i just don t want to be able to comprehend anything any word any judgement sound stupid laughable and i agree i don t know anything about the idea of reincarnation but when i kill myself tonight i guess i will hope to be a rock lol", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 292, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0139", "text": "hi i ve been up and down over the year and have been diagnosed with mdd and add i take med and am in therapy off and on for period of time i can not afford regular therapy and generally i am not doing too badly i wake up each morning and get to work i come home to my family i do some yoga and try to move regularly i do not feel myself i feel another cycle of darkness looming i use cannabis daily and drink alcohol on weekend i think if i drank during the week it could become a regular pattern i want to shake this and i try different thing it is a if there is too much going on and filtering what i need is difficult i ve always had the mentality that we over complicate our life i would like to live out in the wood with no electricity or technology and not in an effort to isolate but just to simplify not sure my point in posting this i guess i am looking for some support and suggestion from others in how to feel connected take care folk", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 198, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0140", "text": "well i have so much going on in my brain let me try to organize it having an existential crisis i m i ve done nothing with my life i m scared to death that a sizable chunk of my life is gone for nothing i work at fast food where there is no advancement whatsoever i just want to go back to school but i can t tired of my job like i said i work fast food i worked a a crew leader and the b i went through on a daily basis wa enough to have me walk out a year and a half of day a week of bull crap just piled up on top of me one and a half year of them playing music i can t stand and me being too nice to say anything because i didn t want to be the one to ruin it for everyone else so i endured with one ear bud in my ear until my bos told me no ear bud back to square one listening to others music for hour a day tired of life ever since 0 hell ever since i got out of the army my life ha been shit in the army i wa confident strong and proud my co took everything from me and gave me the boot ever since 009 my life ha been a struggle to get settled on two foot i ve abused drug been raped been abused been through natural disaster that have taken everything from me i have been kicked to my butt then kicked again while i wa down i hate being disabled i m ptsd ocd bipolar adhd i take so many medication that i don t know what to do with myself just to have a somewhat normal life i m so tired of getting my emotion dismissed and told that i m overreacting just because my disability isn t seen", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 335, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0141", "text": "im recently got fired from my job unfairly that i absolutely loved i ve spent the last month trying to apply for job but only wanting to apply to thing that sparked my interest which were slim to none i applied to position with my favourite clothing company and wa really excited about the opportunity and after over a month of interview i have been turned down for both they say that my skill and qualification dont align with the job however if anything im extremely qualified maybe over qualified for both i ve been having a really hard time mentally recently and this is the cherry on top i went to school for fashion and only got a diploma i dont know what to do from here im feeling extremely discouraged and down about myself almost like im literally not good enough for anything it feel like my life is going no where ill live at home with my parent forever and im just gon na rot away i really dont know what to do i seriously feel like im going no where in life im not qualified for anything really in my field they all require diploma do i just work random job for the rest of my life and feel even worse just so i can have some sort of income", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0142", "text": "i tried several time to write a suicide note but i kept giving up because i realized im actually going through with it so what doe it matter lol im going to be dead ill never love or feel again not that i ever really felt anything anyway lol i ate some orange chicken and rice and some granola bar with frosting lmao and some mandatory energy drink of course i watched some high school dxd and lit some paper on fire now im listening to obscure hex cult music from brazil staring at the wall i can feel the noose in my closet waiting for me im coming sweetheart dont worry just want to throw something into the void first lol i tied it up and everything already put my head in twice it itchy a fuck lol plus it throwing weird rope dust everywhere idk lol shoutout to spaceghostpurrp and domd and hi c and evaboy and idk lol we out fr lmao goodbye to every human being on earth and every animal and anything that ever hurt inside hopefully we all find love in the end", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0143", "text": "third post on this subreddit from this account most day are anxiety inducing i spend the majority of my life in my bed no job struggling to complete my coursework or even just to take a shower a of the last year these day that i have struggled with since i wa ten have become many and far in between i wake up dreading the fear that the day will bring the argument the pain and the inevitability of my own suicide i know one day the suffering will be too much to bear and without doubt i will hurt many people i have felt for month that day is getting closer than ever a few day when the argument subside and i feel a little more hopeful about where my life is going i am filled with a passion and love for everything about life that i hate i want to strive to get a job get my license succeed in college again reach out to people and take care of myself in way that i can t bear to do usually i still have hope i crave to escape the hole that i am in but it feel inescapable whenever i try to turn my life into something more positive i am met with another detrimental setback that put me at square one all over again it make me fear being happy because i know those period will only last a few day at most i feel so desperate to not feel miserable i really don t want to die but i am sick of this cycle i see other people so content in loving relationship with family and i crave it so badly i feel helpless to my own circumstance and i am unsure of how to get better", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 309, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0144", "text": "i m always scared of getting dvt but usually tell myself it s not it and move on i do get leg pain from working a desk job and have had leg ultrasound in the last year that were clear i usually tell myself if it s a symptom i ve felt before i m fine just started a work from home job where walk le i get up every hour but walking around the house is very different than a large office building and my leg ha been hurting which isn t new but i happened to look at where it hurt and it s the area right below my knee cap on the inner part of my leg aka the part that could touch the other leg when i m standing i noticed there is slight swelling there idk if swelling is even the right term since it s not hot or red but def stick out more than the other side maybe about half an inch more which is new considering i ve in the past looked for swelling a i mentioned before it s not hot or red but i am worried yet don t want to cry wolf and get a rd ultrasound in the last year i should mention i have an autoimmune disease that can put me at risk for blood clot but thankfully have had no issue prior i don t want to bother my dr again but also don t want this to be the time i actually have it since i ve never seen swelling on my leg before", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 271, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0145", "text": "please tell me if this isn t the sub for this i ve been preparing an exam for a couple of month but everytime i try to revise it s like everything ive written down is wrong so i go over the material again and find bit that i didn t catch the first time and it s the same the next week it happens so much that i end up going over the same 0 page text like ten time even worse when i go to my note i don t get them i just recognize the word i m using when i find the passage in the source i took the note from i m really tired and almost feel like i have some kind of brain problem i assure you i m not a perfectionist i d be completely happy knowing only just enough to pas but it seems like i never even get the basic right i m assuming it s some sort of anxiety because it can t be explained by being a slow learner i ve been pretty constant with my study schedule just not assimilating anything i don t have any diagnosed learning disability i ve been to a psychologist a couple of year ago and she said so when i asked her so it can t be that either ha anybody got a similar experience did you manage to get through it i d appreciate any help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0146", "text": "at first i thought i wa being picky but i kid you not i ve worked at over 0 different company over the last ten year don t get me wrong some job were garbage and had high turnover to begin with but other job people would go crazy over from some of the most reputable company in my area to the easiest work for great pay many of these job are not in a field i m passionate about the work stagnates i become disengaged and i quit if it s not that my coworkers or my supervisor suck if it s not that the schedule is off if it s not that the pay is off hell if it s not any of that a speck of dirt landed on my shirt so screw this place i m leaving i m terrified of being stuck somewhere i don t want to be and it gradually defining my career but the more i jump around the more time i waste in the process people younger than me are becoming my bos and i sit here wondering exactly what i m doing with my life and what i even want to be doing with my life i m year old i haven t had a long lasting job let alone a solid romantic relationship in over a decade the more time that creep by the harder it get i ve worked so many job now and have become so experienced doing so many different task i can very quickly spot out a bad gig or come to a decision if it s an environment i want to be in when i wa a kid working the only job i ve spent more than three year at my supervisor told me i should be a drifter in life and jump from town to town at the time i didn t think much of it today however i wonder if that s really what my true aim should be considering i ve kind of been doing that for most of my adult life anyway fuck", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 360, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0147", "text": "i m in my 0 and talking with my coworkers made me realize how different i wa they talk about the different party they ve been to and how drunk they got i don t think i ve been to a party with more than people where we were drinking i mostly drink alone and have no issue putting a liter down of 0 alchohol in an evening my life feel like only pain and alchohol is the only relief i get why do i live with this curse i have been severely depressed since i wa 0 i can t hardly remember life before depression i ve had a few attempt but always chickened out before i could take off the safety so i drink i dont like bar i already spend to much on cheap bottle of liquor i dont like drinking but it s the only relief i feel cheated out since i never experienced the fun of party where drinking wa about having fun rather than just drowning", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0148", "text": "i have been suffering with severe anxiety for a couple year now i had a bad life threading car accident in 0 0 and thing have never been the same i started college during the pandemic 0 0 and i wa on zoloft i wa taking my zoloft inconsistently and ended up in the hospital with severe side effect i decided to give it another try month later and the same thing happened i wa prescribed prozac in 0 and then took it for two day amp almost attempted fast forward to now my anxiety is the worst it s ever been i have severe side effect such a dizziness blurred vision shaking panic attack ect it s taken a toll on my daily life and i can t seem to function normally i m almost 0 year old amp living at home still because i can not seem to get a grip of my anxiety my day are long and exhausting amp most day i feel it would be better to end it all i will say i am also in therapy and considering seeing a psychiatrist i need advice anything i would love to hear about medication health psychiatrist therapy anything i just want to see what ha helped other people thank you everyone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 229, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0149", "text": "i didn t think i d end up posting here but here it is i feel like i ve exhausted all option in life i ve tried to combat loneliness i have i ve gotten involved with club of interest i ve done martial art i ve initiated conversation i m so close to just ending it man i ve hit low many time before but this time is different because i fucking tried to make thing different i meet someone we connect and end up hanging out and then they fade away unless i initiate i ve had friend flake repeatedly after i ve invited them numerous time or people that don t invite me out after i had done so in the first place yadda yadda hell this all started at the beginning of this year when i realized how people viewed me at my martial art gym the coach thought i wa arrogant because i silently carried myself with newfound confidence in life so i fucking left point is i ve gotten no reciprocation even after they ve shown genuine interest i ve gotten with a girl a while ago that i still fucking think about knew her for le than a month before i made a move she wa interested and we made out multiple time i had friend and i got with this hot girl so it seemed thing were finally coming together i ask her out and she enthusiastically accepts the day before the date she rescinds and want to be friend instead haven t seen her since that wa damn month ago man story of my life i ve got no family no friend year old i feel nothing anymore been lifting for year and getting stronger and i feel nothing no interest in shit felt confident in myself until recently since i guess isolation took it s toll a i said i ve been through this before but i m sick and tired of it now that i know that i ve tried i can be at peace with ending my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 358, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0150", "text": "i have a pretty good life my husband is great we have our fight and stuff but overall he s amazing we have a nice apartment husband ha a job we have money for grocery and bill i m graduating college in may i think i ve got a good job lined up for after graduation my parent get on my nerve but they love and support me my sister is becoming a good friend a we have gotten older and not a annoying my in law don t really mess with u much anymore when they do it s nothing crazy but i still feel so sad all of the time i hate it i have no motivation i do stupid thing because i have no self control i just lay around any chance that i get i m not productive i just hate myself i m not a fit and i don t take care of myself anymore i have little desire to i just am wasting away then i get mad at myself because i shouldn t feel this way i have reason to be happy i m just not", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 193, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0151", "text": "vent cry needed to get it out it s been month since we had our miscarriage thing were looking up a my cycle wa finally back to normal i wa meant to ovulate this week and i felt hopeful last night i wa waiting for my husband to get home from work and he wa about hour late i wa getting so worried when i finally received a knock on the door police officer informed me that my husband had been in a fatal car accident devastated doesn t cut it i can t fathom life without him something that hurt and keep running through my head right now is two thing i am about to go through our lost baby due date alone while also grieving my husband to have my rainbow baby i will now need to find a new partner and then get to the stage of a relationship to even fathom trying again so let s say year minimum by then i will be considered a mature pregnancy and likely find it hard and be high risk i don t know what to do i don t know how i can carry on he wa my world i can t do this without him", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 212, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0152", "text": "i dont know what s wrong with me i live in the philippine and im a year old boy i used to be a honor student when we still had face to face class but we had online class for the past year and in my first year of online class i got lucky and passed but now i don t know what im doing anymore im not doing anything productive i don t know what s happening i can t do anything right i can t even force myself to eat or take a bath or get out of my room i haven t eaten for half a day and i just feel bad all the time i always have this bad feeling in my stomach everytime i get messaged by my teacher about my missing project and i do my everything to avoid it i don t know why but everytime i see something about school i get dizzy and i skip it immediately i can t even sleep anymore because everytime i sleep i get nightmare about not doing my schoolwork i dont know if im just overreacting or im just lazy but i hate this feeling so much the disappointment of my parent when they find out every semester that i always have missing schoolwork the feeling in my heart and stomach i would rather die everytime i feel it i just want to dissapear everynight wishing to not wake up anymore wishing that i dont have to wake up and have the exact same feeling i might be overreacting about this but i just really want someone to talk to it always ha a chain reaction of overthinking and it lead to my childhood trauma like how i got sexually assaulted by my cousin when i wa at the age of everytime i came to their house to play they would teach me inappropriate thing that lead me into being exposed to pornography at such a young age they made me do thing that pleasure them and i used to think that it wa just normal and something that friend do i still blame myself for not stopping them and that i didn t say no i have always hated myself i wanted to live someone else s life anyone but me i dont want to be myself anymore i just want to dissapear i hate this feeling but i don t know what it is", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 426, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0153", "text": "so i live hour away from where i wa born and raised well my very best friend twin brother oded because someone put fentanyl into his drink smoke and he wa always like a brother to me but i can t make it to his funeral i hate myself for it i want to be there for my best friend and i want to be able to say goodbye to a good friend i haven t talked to him in a long time and the way we talked to each other wa just always giving each other a hard time and now i regret it so much and just wish i would ve kept up with him and been nicer and i have to miss his funeral because i don t know how to save my fucking money amp my job ha no one to replace me while i m gone fuck i wish i wasn t like this i can t stop cry about it or the fact that i feel like i m letting down my best friend by not being there for her she say it s okay and she understands but i can t help but feel like shit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0154", "text": "there is nothing more suffocating than the feeling that youre gon na live your life alone it take a lot of strength to not fall apart specially if you already tasted what is like to share your life with someone and knowing that youre gon na be all on your own by the rest of the path i ve spent the last year dreaming abour growing old with someone i consider to be a gift from the heaven only for that dream to be shattered a week ago it s been more than 0 day and im still stuck in despair i cant even sleep in my bed without thinking of him i refuse to find somsomeone else because whats the point in trying to top perfection only to poorly fill the whole your ex left and get your already pulverized heart shattered once more i ve lost my passion to live i ve been carrying anxiety and panic attack for a few year i wa already barely holding it together but this i just the last straw i dont even have a shoulder to cry on anymore what s the point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 198, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0155", "text": "for most of my life i haven t had many significant relationship friendship i used to sit alone at lunch in high school sometimes i would even go to the restroom stall and just stand so i wouldn t have to face the embarrassment i would make good grade and work a lot to keep myself busy looking back i kept myself busy to distract myself from the fact that i m lonely i m 0 year old now and i still don t have a social life i ve only had one best friend in the entirety of my life and that friendship ended junior year of high school i ve also never had a boyfriend i ve dated someone before but that s the past sadly that situation ship further reinforced the idea of unworthiness that i feel i am coming to the realization that i have low self esteem i feel incapable of being loved and undeserving of it for some reason it always felt like i never fit in i would always overthink thing and not know what to say and how to keep the conversation going this lead to me thinking people will get tired bored of me eventually so there is no point i m literally cry because it s so frustrating when you want to change but these thought eat you up and prevent you from taking the necessary step to change i want to be able to go out without it feel draining to dress nice do my hair converse with others etc everything just feel exhausting and i have chosen not to picture myself being married one day or even having child because it s just how am i going to have a healthy everlasting marriage if i haven t had any experience so far", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 309, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0156", "text": "hello all i have anxiety pretty bad which i take lexapro for around the beginning this week i started urinating blood it happened time ever since then i have had to go constantly i made an appt that same day at my urologist and they did indeed confirm there wa moderate blood in my urine they requested i schedule a ct scan which i did at the beginning of april since thats all that wa available they also prescribed me an antibiotic which i have been taking a few day so until something take place i just have these crappy symptom in place until something happens i dont know if i have a uti something else or what i ve never had one before so i dont know what to expect even if i did i m really not in any pain besides the discomfort of having to go constantly accompanied by a dull achy feeling it worse at night when i m trying to sleep and laying in bed also tried azo and ha not helped either any idea how to deal with this and not lose my mind in doing so", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0157", "text": "alrighty folk i ve been ready to go for a while but i guess now it feel more right to leave this world no offence but this ha been the most boring nonsense tenure ever and i have no idea how the majority have deluded themselves into staying in a world that is mostly just a turd with sparkle and corn in it then call it the spice of life i am increasingly bored with life nothing is worth the effort or struggle to do what die later that is not appetizing i quite uni i quit therapy i quit med i don t really want to be here anymore but i am constantly held back by my own laziness i just want to sleep all the time to the point that i hope that any merciful god would give me death a a reward for withstanding such a shitty existence i haven t even mentioned what wa wrong with mine the list is short and simple i really dislike the premise of working for everything i dislike working for something and the feeling of accomplishment is a dull tap and i am wondering wtf i just pulled all my teeth out for nothing is really ever worth it i am not remarkable average or even good anything i have is a replaceable a a wasted battery and that is ok nobody relies on me and that is the best place to be for someone who want out i know i don t need any reason to justify wanted to make a grand exit i think it almost abusive to sedate someone into living gaslight their entire experience for extra hand in the population politics cog too many people are waste of space and have absolutely nothing yet still have convinced themselves that life is better than the great void amp x 00b anyway i finally picked my method of exit kawabonga bitch", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 340, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0158", "text": "currently trying to redecorate on my own new to living alone too to feel more empowered i have been redecorating finally ordered a new couch chnage is scary lol anyways my couch wa supposed to arrive wednesday but it came early and i m not prepared i don t have a cart to get it up at the moment i m concerned it will be stolen rationally who would steal a pound thing and a another oddly shaped packaged but maybe or that the apartment will send it back before i can get the cart tomorrow to bring it up i emailed them just in case even if neither happen i don t want to ask anyone for help bringing it up because i either feel like a burden or i don t want to socialize with anyone while dealing with the couch cause that give me anxiety already preferably i d pay someone but how would one even do that for a task that take minute max just seems silly so now if i m lucky and my couch is still in the mail room tomorrow after work when i have a cart then i must be physically capable to get the couch up on the cart into the elevator and into my apartment myself i think i can do it but i m scared a to what s going to happen anybody have any opinion on this am i overthinking i read somewhere that anxiety can be confused with feeling of excitement too maybe that s what s happening idk man i want to know it will be okay", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 281, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0159", "text": "is my life over i m m i ve never really had many friend and have lonely and depressed for pretty much all my life my family situation ha always been kinda fked up too however my senior year of h i finally got a group that went to hoco with me and i ve talked to them and played video game with granted they weren t a close a friend could be but i still loved them man they also are friend with a big group of girl so recently tik tok comment from month ago and a verbal comment from month ago were brought up upon my investigation i couldn t find any proof of that verbal comment heck i don t even remember saying it so it ha to be false or blown up from something much more minute i do remember saying these girl made my only friend in the world drop me and have ruined my reputation i keep thinking suicidal thought wishing i had a gun to end it but then i remember my family and life i have i wa so excited to start college too but now they re trying to talking to school admin about this they have 0 proof so i don t think much will happen but i m so lonely now and want to kill myself it s all i can think about i wanted to go to prom with them to a senior summer trip with them but now it s all over man i wish i had a gun and could end it without hurting my family", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 274, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0160", "text": "i m fucking done trying everything hurt i m tired of being a loser at life and being myself i m just tired of trying so hard with recovery and feeling like no matter what i m not really meant to recover like my mind ha been set on suicide and death for so long that i feel so lost without it i am just a fucking failure okay i failed at life i m a year old loser who really fucked up his life beyond repair and i see no way out besides death if we get graded for how we did in life i d get a big fat fucking f i know i only started recently and i should take thing slow and take thing day by day blah blah blah but at the end of the day i m still me and i can t live with myself i truly wish my mother could understand that i really can t live being me anymore i feel so claustrophobic inside my own self with so much self hate and rage a though i could explode i wish i could collapse or sink inside myself wandering aimlessly and wondering how did thing happen to be like this how did my life become such a fucked up mess it s all just so overwhelming i can t fathom how i m going to keep this recovery facade up any longer wa this just a reminder of how pathetic i ve become is recovery just another way of pretending to be something i m not i don t know anymore i just want to cry without end i am tired of being like this i m tired of being me what can i do what the fuck can i do i feel so lost and broken you see maybe some people just never were meant for life no matter what after being like this for year death is all that matter to me and once death becomes your everything it s hard to turn back i don t know what to do besides kill myself tonight", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 361, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0161", "text": "i plan to commit suicide soon i ve told my bird already i don t think they understand sadly i ve been fighting depression my whole life pretty much i ve tried many time to commit suicide but a i m afraid of pain i didn t go through it thing worsened massively once i lost someone dear to me because of my own action since then i m haunted be it in dream or in reality constantly by them and the result of what i did whilst under psychosis and incredibly suicidal state i began seeking help soon after they left after i realised what i did and it wa really tough at first but i made it for about a year i wish i never met that person it wa a curse i don t really have friend family yes supportive but it doesn t really feel like much i know they d be devastated by my death and so would my bird but every day is the same for me no matter what i try to differentiate and how better it get it s down to the same stuff haunted by those demon that try and make me fall and do what i shouldn t do i ve been told i m meant for great thing but this is all taking forever i m tired of all of this i m tired of living and constantly fighting i just wish to end it all even though it ll mean committing an unforgivable sin edit for the time being i have discarded the thought thank you all for the message and comment", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 277, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0162", "text": "depressed college student checking in i literally get 9 hour of sleep every single night i dont drink or abuse substance and am in good shape for the love of god i can not get my as out of bed i seriously cant im having really poor attendance issue becayse of this i hate what i do i see no point in all of this struggle to just fuckin exist all this hell i go thru debt stress and burnout is all so i can have a chance at a shit show 9 job my school love to make life unnecessarily hard to keep student from graduatin on time so they can suck more ane more from u getting out of bed is my biggest challenge it all full circle im depressed i dont like what i do and i dont feel that what im doing is effective i m anxious about my future and dont know what to do about it all i look forward to doing is sleeping eating is a chore showering is a chore being awake is a hassle the cost of existance ha won it beat the life outta me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0163", "text": "i ve had anxiety since i wa 9 that wa year after my brother death amp my dad s assent into abusive alcoholism year after my discovery of oxycontin the year of my mom s diagnosis of breast cancer they were all dead by the time i wa i ve been addicted to damn near everything in my lifetime iv user of heroin amp amphetamine but nothing wa ever a bad a the xanax era my mom wa dying in front of my eye just wasting away we were homeless for a while we slept in the same bed smoking meth and taking any rx med that took u out of the moment i m now i m married living in a shitty basement apartment i developed epilepsy last year amp have been out of work since my husband work a lot so i m just alone a lot of the time been on so many psych med spent month in a top ranked trauma center in baltimore got round of electro convulsive therapy ketamine treatment just completed my rd inpatient drug rehab on friday back to drinking by sunday i can not take this anymore what do i fucking do like can anybody help i ve done recovery program worked the step been in therapy once a week for the last year nothing is working and i just don t want to be here anymore somebody please help please", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0164", "text": "hey everyone im currently taking wellbutrin and buspirone buspar for depression and anxiety they re both atypical med because i am afraid of the side effect of ssri like loss of libido just so happens that both the med im on currently are supposed to help with libido counteract negative sexual side effect of ssri the thing is i do have a high libido but my anxiety is off the chart and im still pretty depressed psychiatrist want to put me on lexapro along with sticking with my current med i know it would very likely help with depression anxiety but im still worried about the side effect my question i guess is if you have a high libido to begin with but anxiety and intrusive ruminating thought is the main problem what are the odds that lexapro wouldn t negatively impact my libido at all maybe even increase it because it lower my anxiety and depression especially given that my current med are supposed to help with that thanks for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0165", "text": "they knew this life isn t worth living and gave all their possession to their family i want to do the same so my friend and family benefit from my death i want to be dead my family and friend get all my stuff everyone win i m 00 fucking worthless and everything i consume is for no reason every friend and partner just stay with me out of pity and i want to pay them back i plan on hanging myself in my garage and calling 9 just before so they find my body instead of someone innocent i don t want to hurt i don t know why i m posting here tbh i guess i m looking for any reason not to suicide hotlines are just more depressing with the same scripted word in between question trying to find out where you are so they can call someone to your place this is just going to lead to more frustration and probably huge hospital bill and embarrassment anyone else feel this way what s keeping you from doing it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 186, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0166", "text": "i have hit 0 and i had friend from highschool left i kept seeing them for the last few year but when i see them now i feel lonely and i basically cut content a few week back i have one friend left who is going through load of stuff and hardly ha any time to hang out so i basically feel so alone all the time it s crippling i feel like i m a ghost in this city no friend left no opportunity i just feel like i failed not getting out of here sooner i live in perth western australia and i wanted to move to melbourne year ago and a i wa getting ready covid struck and now i m stuck in a city i hate with people that don t value friendship i wa seeing a girl form month and she ended up cheating on me with my friend and her ex husband she broke my heart told me she loved me i invested a bit of money in cryptocurrencies and i ve 0k fuck i had enough for a deposit on a house or a new car what do i do instead i let my depression destroy me i spent 0k on hooker and weed i went through month of pure destruction i am sitting on 0k left now in cryptocurrencies i doing a bachelor of marketing and i wa going to elaborate graduating with my friend yet after the girl cheated on me i wa emotionally fucked i dropped down from unit to unit then i found out my brother wa raped he is and that dropped me so low i should have protected him then i finally got off the weed a month ago and now i have this crippling depression that keep getting deeper i keep isolating myself i don t go outside because i don t have a job i m working on getting down to the mine here so i can actually earn a living and buy some cryptocurrency honestly turning 0 ha been the worst for me i m at such a cross road and my mental strength ha been reduced to nothing the other day nearly drove myself off the road on a steep hill i thought of my family last minute and decided not to", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 402, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0167", "text": "last night i had a dream my bestfriend and i were hanging out a a spiritual person i believe that our passed loved one visit u in our dream to hang out with u in the only way they can my bestfriend committed a year ago and it wa the worst day of my life every once in a while he doe this but i had a dream last night we both hung out and had such a good time at the end he gave me a gift and said he would see me next time when i woke up i wa really depressed i didn t want to go into work i wanted to lay back down and go to sleep and hang out with him again it made me have suicidal thought and those were scary i miss him alot to the point where life just seems so awful without him and how can i live like this without him i m a very lonely person and he wa the only friend i had who understood me help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0168", "text": "long story short i haven t been feeling well for the past two week i think it s a depressive episode the day befroee yesterday i wa already damn done with life but yesterday wa my final straw i have only seriously had suicidal thought time in my life and have never wanted to do actually do it before i have a fear of death but yesterday wa horrible i wa actively searching for stuff to kill me and a i expected my family s first reaction is to scold me saying that even during school holiday they have to worry about my as and i m not even in school right now what do i have to be suicidal about they just straight up scolded me did not give a fuck otherwise it s been a day and idk everyone s pissed at me and i m at my wit end i m actively asking to be hospitalised but the people who actually ha the authority to do that are too pissed at me to want to do that and complaining about how it cost so much to go u are hurting all of u what happens if it s in the record for the rest of your life first of all what life my whole life my family dynamic is fucking bullshit it s not abusive or even manipulative it s just that no one communicates with each other probably because we know when we do fighting will ensue so no one talk to one another idk what i can do all the time the rule change all the time idk how to talk to them idk what they want from me this cycle is just gon na continue until day i eventually snap at them or snap at myself if i snap at them i m gon na get scolded i knew the only reason they would actually not scold me is if i actually did it but i know if i did it i would have let them won and i will most likely survive and i hate that only if i actually did it would they actually care about me i do not know what i ll do for the next few day and i don t trust myself i actually wan na go to the hospital but no one let me for fuck sake idk what to do anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 421, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0169", "text": "i don t know if i want to die but i wish i wasn t ever born i am so fucking confused i constantly imagine myself getting hit by a train or jumping from high building i browse way to get oneself killed all i have are negative thought i imagine myself killed in accident or fight i am on medical study and i am not fucking interested in anything that these study involve i hate each and every one of people that are in here my group are all guy whose goal in life is to fucking learn a much a they can and boast about it later if they only have chance destroying other people by chance they are not fucking human i tell you their mindset is fascist hurting and non respective for others that i sometimes ditch fucking day on uni because of it they are fake pretending to be your friend while the other day they plunge you in front of every other my friendship with my only true homies from high school is constantly deteriorating my best friend got himself a girlfriend and got so fucking high on her that he completely lost touch with reality he doesn t fucking care anymore i do not have a girlfriend nor a chance to get one i do not have perspective for my life my real ambition are completely separate from the path that i ve already chosen every day is the same i don t find enjoyment in life i hate degenerate humankind but i am somewhat a degenerate myself i suspect myself to be fucking autistic because of symptom that appear in everyday social interaction call me stupid incel or whatever i do not fucking care i just needed to write this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 303, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0170", "text": "sorry if this is kinda confusing and messed up i have a hard time putting my thought into word i f would sometimes get suicidal thought whenever i wa going through a bad panic attack but after i calmed down those thought would just disappear and i wa always sure that i would never do that stuff because i knew i only thought that a a quick escape from all the emotional pain and anxiety i wa going through but today those thought wouldn t get out of my head and i d find myself zoning out and planning on how to do it i wasn t even panicking about anything more like just feeling empty and depressed about my current and future life i ve been fighting everyday to feel some genuine happiness in myself and love for others so i can stop putting on this fake smile so everyone doesn t worry about me i miss it so fucking much and lately i ve been getting spark of those feeling again but they quickly dwindle away but now with these thought creeping in i feel like this battle that i ve been fighting for so long is pointless i don t even see a future for myself the people that i love in this life are slowly being consumed with negativity and become more and more toxic to me everyday and i ve noticed myself gaining that same negativity towards others and life and while i know that they re probably going through some stuff and i have sympathy for them it draining me and i can t be around them any longer since they clearly don t want change life been getting hard for me and it sucking the light out of me i don t know what to do about these thought but they won t get out of my fucking head and i m scared they ll get even worse please help me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 331, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0171", "text": "it will be two year this november since my brother died from a fentanyl overdose this completely shook up the family dynamic i moved back home to be closer to them about a year before his death while i am happy i did get to spend his last birthday with him since he is gone and the family is all split up now i hate living here i used to make double doing the type of work that i do here where i last lived my job is actually financially draining me i am a caregiver aid for disabled kid and have been for over year but ever since my brother died i find myself in very dark place then i get really angry for a second because i know he is gone and never coming back then throw in the caregiver fatigue with the grieving depression and i just feel so crazy in my head sometimes one minute i m fine the next minute i hate everyone inflation isn t helping because i am having to skip meal to make sure my kid are fed which also isn t helping my mental health i dunno how do you all cope", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 203, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0172", "text": "i 0f already struggle with suicidal ideation i m just tired so tired this last six month ha been the toughest six month of my life i ve been with this guy 0m for five year he ha been a step up dad for my daughter 0f nearly from the beginning of our relationship very early had always plan to get married and have child together my feeling for him have always been so strong he always made me feel like he wa different like he understood my trauma and wanted to hold my hand through my healing not set mine and my daughter life on fire i moved to the other side of our country to be with him we have had ups and down i found out six month ago he ha a new girlfriend and she also a a you g child f long story short he s leaving me for her our lease is up at the end of april and my daughter and i have nowhere to go we will be homeless for a while until i can move back to my parent my ex husband m found out we won t have a stable place to live for a little while and is filing for custody of my daughter my ex husband is it ha been extremely abusive to me since i wa none of the abuse wa ever documented because i never wanted to call the police he always made me feel like i deserved it i ended up losing my well paying job due to my emotional state my daughter and i don t have family or friend here none that aren t deeply tied to my now ex bf i don t feel like i have deserved any of this shit im the go to person that always help everyone now i m going to have nothing and i have no one willing to show up for me and my kid we also have two dog i will have to rehome because he refuse to take them and i can t hardly care for myself and my daughter right now i m literally about to lose everything i ve been chewed up and spit out my whole life i suffered a lot of emotional and sexual abuse a a child too i don t genuinely want to die but i also don t want to feel anymore like i really don t know if i could survive losing my daughter that kid is my world please how do i make it stop i can t go out like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 447, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0173", "text": "it hasn t gotten any better i did it almost year ago and the feeling of trying again ha gotten worse no matter how much i try it s not good enough i m trying to go to school i m trying to find a job i m trying to shower more and blah blah blah but no i m still too lazy my hair is too greasy i smell i m a fucking failure don t get why they act so much higher than me you failed that exam you got fired you didn t do the school work how the fuck are you going to look at someone who can t afford all the thing you have and blame them like it s their fault no i can t afford shampoo no i can t afford food no i can t afford a car or even the fucking lesson we couldn t wash clothes for a week but i shouldn t smell sorry let me pull out my imaginary washing machine my imaginary money to buy a car my imaginary money to buy the game you have the food you have the soap and whatever the fuck else i don t have because i don t have the fucking money let s also forget the fact my parent haven t been working properly for almost year and the amount of shit we owe which you don t deal with which is why you have all that shit they look at me in disgust you should come out more you re just lazy you don t want me there anyway which is why i walk metre behind don t have proper conversation because you wont talk back or am completely forgotten about when you go out i m fucking trying i do my best in exam i do my best to shower often or to eat often or to get a job you just don t see that i live very different to you i m trying my best to not kill myself every fucking day the thought didn t just disappear when i got out of hospital you know the same place you laugh at me for going the only reason why i don t jump in front of a car when we are together is because i don t want you to see the mess left behind i have a box full of tablet and a bottle of morphine i m sure something there will kill me and i m ok with it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 428, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0174", "text": "which came first the chicken or the egg do i hate myself because of the constant rejection i ve experienced my whole life or am i constantly rejected because i hate myself both are true negative experience are what made me doubt myself so much if this keep happening over and over again then it must be because there s something wrong with me that people want to run away from i take it entirely personally but on the other hand people don t want a person who hate themselves in their life so they reject me and distance themselves i can never sustain positive self worth because every single time i m rejected i feel that they ve judged my character in some way and determined me either insignificant or toxic to them it s a never ending loop that ultimately leaf me alone and bitter i don t know how to fix it nothing seems to work it s like my mind is broken i feel like an evolutionary failure a cancerous lump meant to be excised from a healthy society i feel like i ve given up on myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 194, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0175", "text": "a little over four month ago my relationship of over two year ended my partner left me for the person they told me they couldn t ever love more than me and that i had nothing to worry about i trusted them and they destroyed that i moved back home all the while they gaslit me into thinking it wa my choice once i got home almost a thousand mile away i began to spiral my family wa in the midst of drama between my aging parent one struggling with memory loss the other with alcoholism my dog from high school ha also begun declining and will be crossing the rainbow bridge any week now following the breakup i struggled with alcohol and substance abuse for several month which i ve only just begun to get control of i wa sexually assaulted twice in the span of two month my relative have died of covid i ve been unable to find a good job that actually us my degree in the time since moving home a well i find myself unable to form meaningful connection with friend or family i can t be open with anyone because i don t feel i can trust them i m worried that anyone and everyone could leave me at a moment notice i can t get my ex off my mind and the feeling of inadequacy and abandonment are staying strong i don t feel the ability to love i don t know where i m going with this but it s my first time posting here and i guess i just need to know that i m not alone and that i can stop spiraling and live a good fulfilling life i need to recover from the fallout of what s been my life for about month now i m sorry if this isn t the kind of post i should be making but at this point therapy and psychiatric treatment and medication are all failing me what can i do where do i go from here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 350, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0176", "text": "i keep having anxiety in the shower sometimes i can manage through but i had to shave and take a little extra time my usual anxious thought about a million way to die i swear i could have written the script to the movie and why i m terrified of the unkniwn waved over me and i pushed through the shower a fast a i could got out and instantly took a full pill of my clonazepam mg now i m sitting here about minute later still half anxious struggling to even right this a my brain is going into shut down mode i still have to make dinner but my husband may be tasked with it tonight which i know he won t complain or think anything of it but it make me feel like a bad wife i went almost month with little to no anxiety until about week ago and now i feel like i m right back to where i wa it s been two year and i m so ungodly tired of this i m tired of being good for a couple year then being thrown back into anxiety panic attack i m tired of deciding that not feeling at all is better than participating in living c", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 220, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0177", "text": "someone said this to me today he wasn t being serious it wa just banter his bros would probably be like yea you re right i do have great tit but it really opened up a healing wound for me being bullied growing up for my look i ve always been fat and people have used that against me for year these past few year i ve been healing feeling much better about myself and started to gain confidence i don t think i m ugly i m very much average and curve are much more appreciated nowadays but the feeling of inadequacy just never truly go away sometimes when i m really down i ll start self criticising and it ha crossed my mind that people who talk to me are just attracted to me physically i m not the most interesting person i m not funny i don t get joke sometimes and i take thing too seriously i ve been girlfriend zoned so many time it s tiring i just shut myself off from society men who were interested in me were never really interested in my hobby interest whatever they always complimented me on my look but that wa it if i ever tell them that i m not interested even if we talked every single day and were friend they d just ghost me it wa just something he said but wow wa it hurtful i cried for the first time after month of emotional numbness i cried because it wa probably true to a certain degree and i feel like shit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 278, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0178", "text": "i return to work after a year of sitting at home with depression in this year i had to have a prosthesis put in my shoulder i am year old because of my past and depression my relationship with my colleague have diluted i ve said and done some bad thing that i couldn t help myself i wa just exhausted i realize that it is also difficult and strange for them but for me it is really difficult i still have anxiety attack daily with two teenager in the house the stress is certainly not gone due to stress i lost my hearing on my right side i got meniere s disease because of it i am sorry that there is no understanding for my situation now i had to have an ultrasound of my shoulder and it turn out that i have calcification it will probably need surgery again which i certainly don t like this would be the th time it s the first time i ve posted something like this anywhere on the internet i just had to write it off i really don t feel accepted in this world it s really difficult thanks for taking the time to read this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0179", "text": "hey im year old and ive recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety after ive been struggling with it my entire life i take my med when i need them only which might be bad and i also started therapy n it been helpful anyways ive been struggling with death anxiety for a while every once in a while ill somehow convince myself that it my last day week on earth n that i need to say goodbye to everyone n that this will be the last time im doing this or that etc it so bad to the point where i cant really get out of bed for day bc im scared of death whenever i have plan i keep thinking about all the bad thing that can happen to me so i cancel im scared of flying or driving or anything that can put me in danger tmw im going on a hiking trip n im terrified that it gon na go badly doe anyone have advice on how to deal with this bc i dont want it to stop me from living my life ive been struggling with it ever since i wa a child and i need it to get le intense asap ty", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0180", "text": "it ha almost been month since i lost my nephew more like my brother though i wa at the time and he wa he wa the person that meant the absolute most to me we have both struggled with suicide our entire life i used to be a very emotional and empathetic person and i tried to make everyone happy i am no longer that in fact in the past year leading up to the event i had slowly lost my emotion empathy my ambition and pretty much everything that make a human human but when it happened i lost everything i wa and am no longer the person i wa i want to be happy again i want to care about people i want to care about music again i want to care about car again i want my hobby back most of all i want him back and what we had we were the same person our emotion the way we thought our diet everything affected our body the same way we thought about thing the exact same way our reaction were the same the thing we loved were the same for the most part our depression wa the same the thing that haunted u were the same the thing we were scared of were the same we were the same person i don t really know how to go on without him i have people that care about me but it doesn t matter they aren t him i don t even know why i m writing this this won t change anything i just wa listening to music he used to love and i wa finally able to cry a bit it s gone now though my feeling are gone again my life feel fake now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 301, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0181", "text": "my parent recorded a great deal of my early childhood so there is a lot of footage of me when i wa very young i used to be the most innocent and carefree little boy who never even once thought about what others thought about him or the way he looked i never cared about being lonely it wa just me with me and my mom and dad and i wa the happiest kid in the world the smallest thing made me smile year later i am now miserable and wishing i wa dead i barely even speak to my parent anymore and i push away and resent everybody around me my parent are heartbroken by the fact that i don t speak to anyone i m horrified by how shit my life ha become and how terrible of a person i am now due to my own mental health deteriorating beyond control i had so many friend a year ago but all i do is push people away and be a burden seeing what i used to be and comparing it to what i am now make me want to cry every time i see a little kid being happy and innocent i wish so badly that i never grew up and i could have remained a happy little boy forever", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 225, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0182", "text": "hi friend i hope you all are well well i should explain myself i guess i don t feel like i exist i mean that i don t have many people in life and those who are i don t see them missing me friend are nonexistent i do have a few acquaintance i guess i ve tried to make new friend and reconnect with old but school work and the guard don t allow for much down time and it s like i m the only one trying so why bother the logic also go into my luck on dating though to be honest i haven t really been trying i think i would rather make friend first work school and the guard are just thing i do now i don t really do them because i want to but because they re thing i have to do and i don t remember why i just do them like i m on autopilot my family is currently ripping itself apart i ve known my parent haven t been happy for a while but i didn t realize how deeply they hated each other and in their crossfire is everyone else i ll keep it short but somehow a hundred mile away they still managed to hurt me a way i didn t expect and i ve decided to cut tie with my parent for the mean time at least my brother are quite literally the only thing keeping me tethered to the world i don t want to hurt them but i just don t feel any joy in any action i take or any agency i just feel numb to everything not angry not upset not frustrated just hallow i don t feel like the same person that played lego batman with his brother split a milkshake on his boyfriend played minecraft with his parent partied with his friend took pride in what i did could claim myself i m just not i look in the mirror and i don t feel like a person is looking back at me just this husk and i don t know how to undo that i don t know how i got here i don t know how to feel like a person again and not this ghost haunting the park i walked and the clothes i wore well thanks for listening to my rambling i wish the best for you have a good day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 424, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0183", "text": "my memory s fading i m losing weight i don t sleep sex feel hollow i have no motivation to do anything and i frequently think about death i ve been seeing these symptom in myself on and off again for the past few year but never really put them together until now i attributed the weight loss to a study i read stating that just thinking about working out can have benefit despite not actually working out i never really thought of it a a symptom i just saw it a a positive slightly inexplicable development in my life i think i read that i have passive intrusive thought or something like that essentially i think about what it would be like if i wa dead but not about how i would want to die or anything like that the reason for it wa always lost on me i just learned to live with it my sleep issue motivation issue and lack of sexual pleasure have always been present so i never really thought twice about them i thought the memory loss wa due to my rare and infrequent use of recreational psychedelics when i connected all of these together i spent about 0 minute just trying to remember what i had for dinner last night which i found fairly upsetting a up until my teenage year i had an immaculate memory i d still consider myself happy at least to the extent that i ve always known but the symptom are there nevertheless and i m just finding the whole thing quite strange", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 271, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0184", "text": "so i m have been feeling down rather often the last few year but these last few month im feeling constantly down my life just feel stuck everyday when my alarm ring i just cant get out of bed even tho i usually sleep for hour or so i end up laying in bed for or hour thinking about how shitty my life is and how i dont make progress at all i also get suicidal thought alot even tho i dont have any intention to harm myself in any way i dont want to die but smh my brain doesnt get that so yesterday i decided to finally get help and call my doc for an appointment before making that call i sat there and stared at the number contemplating if i really wanted to do this i made a list and wrote down reason why i want to get help and reason why i dont everything just pointed to me making that call and after hour i finally pressed call so then i wa on the phone with a woman at my doctor office i told her with a kinda shaky voice that i would like an appointment she asked what it wa about and i told her that i felt rather bad lately had trouble sleeping and am feeling tired alot i didnt feel comfortable sharing that i feel depressed she said she doesnt have a free spot in the next few week and told me i should come in without an appointment on thursday or friday so now im here without an appointment contemplating if i should actually go there tomorrow it kinda suck that im in the situation before the phonecall again where i have to make that decision to get help im so nervous about getting help i dont know what i should even say i dont know how to talk about my feeling i dont even know if ill make it out of bed tonorrow before the doctor office close im so afraid about revealing this about me but i dont think i can pull myself out of this without help can someone maybe give me some kind word and share their experience with finally opening up so my anxiety about this come to an ease", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 387, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0185", "text": "i m an year old male and i have spent my last couple year with little hope and lot of sadness i am writing this after failing my rd driving test 0 each i have failed my test time and just been working a fuck tonne at mcdonald s to pay for my repeated failure that s not the start though i m estranged from my family my biological dad left probably for a good reason been threatened to be kicked out my house keep in mind i need to pas my test before i leave my house for a job which is making it even more stressful most in part to my drug addiction mainly weed yes weed i ve tried to quit weed time in the last month and the furthest i ve achieved is four day before smoking again this girl i really liked dipped after one night i wanted to go to uni but got a senior year score of about out of 99 at this point i just think i m going to fail forever i feel almost selfish for making myself sound like i m experiencing what ukrainian are right now but the constant cloud of pain is so much can someone please help me see the bigger picture i m sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 228, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0186", "text": "i have a hard time articulating how i really feel and it frustrates me to no end i just wan na let it all out but it so hard it make it a lot difficult to seek help when i can t really explain what i m feeling and thinking about i can somewhat recognize what i m feeling but the moment i try to write it down or explain it my mind go blank though i can say a part of me doe feel guilty for unloading all my problem onto someone so maybe thats one of the reason i m unable to reach out to people for help plus another part of me is like trying to convince myself i m actually ok and faking it or being overdramatic which also stop me from saying anything so i usually turn to the internet to see if there s anyone who might feel the same way and could explain it in word better than i can i m sort of relieved to know that there are other people feeling exactly what i m feeling cause it really make me feel like i m not alone in this although it really suck that we all have to go through this i m not in a good state right now so i can t really give word of encouragement without feeling like a hypocrite but yeah you re definitely not alone in this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0187", "text": "i feel at peace but i can t stop cry i m done with life i will no longer be a noose ance anymore i guess part of me wish someone would stop me still i don t know i m done edit it is now the next day i m still thinking about killing myself but it s way le intense now more of a thought than a plan and intent i don t know it s been rough it s hard to see a way out of it but i know that inaction isn t going to help me get over it man i wish life wa le difficult but it really feel like i m learning everything from the ground up i know for sure that there are many people who are going through similar situation experience a i am but due to the nature of it nobody dare to talk about it i do however think that my experience are universal therefore survivable idk i just wish it didn t have to be that way but i need to accept it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 189, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0188", "text": "everyone i have ever met in my life ha told me that i m beautiful some even the most beautiful that they have ever seen all my life i ve expected the rest of the world to bow down before my beauty and tell me that i m beautiful i always rely on that validation and reassurance i keep on waiting for people to tell me that i m beautiful i keep track of who tell me i m beautiful and who hasn t for those who haven t i wonder if they think i m beautiful this happened with my 0 year old same sex female teacher i wa expecting her to tell me that i m beautiful even a she wa rejecting me and i noticed that she didn t tell me what i wanted to hear and just pointed out aspect about my personality i wa cry over it my own thinking ha led to me having many problem in life i lack even the most basic common sense even when something is so obvious like flying to germany and showing up unannounced at the airport asking to be picked up at pm and expecting to free load for two week with relative i haven t seen in year over christmas being invited to a friend s birthday party and not even talking to her and wondering why she became cold to me even at work when toothpick fell i wa picking them up to put them back on the bottle i wa stacking clothes that they kept on falling my coworkers who are younger than me helped me and their mind are more mature than mine when my former professor 0 year my senior told me he loved me and that i wa the most beautiful woman he ha ever met i wa blown away i wa so distracted by him telling me that i wa beautiful that i could not see that he could have been lying i have received a couple of complaint about my personality someone told me yes you are beautiful in look but ugly a hell at heart you are narcissistic and manipulative you surely do act like the world revolves around you another person ha told me you told me that you are when i wa talking to you i felt like i wa talking to a year old you are a very immature woman and you re not that bright either is this why i don t have any friend is there more to life than being beautiful would people find my immaturity to be unattractive", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 448, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0189", "text": "i m not sure if this is the right subreddit to go to but i don t know where else to go my spouse ha struggled with severe depression his whole life it is genetic his dad wa the same any amount of pressure make him worse he constantly feel a though life is not worth living and he s a lost cause he will never feel okay and just want the pain to go away we have a baby coming any day now and i wa worried that pressure wa gon na send him over the edge we have been talking about having him voluntarily go to a psych ward and see if they can help kinda a a last ditch effort before i just give him permission to end it today he talked to his counselor about going to one in a few week after the baby wa here and they came and picked him up an hour later he is pissed doesn t want to be there which i understand is normal he feel completely betrayed by his councellor and never want to go back i m worried that now he is going to pretend like he is fine just to get out the point of this is to get help why won t he just take it i m scared the mental hospital won t help at all i just need you guy who have been there before to be honest with me did it help what thing helped and what made it worse if it doe help or when he come back home what are some thing i can do to continue the healing process or just make his life easier anything else you feel to share please do i hate not knowing thing and this is really killing me right now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 310, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0190", "text": "i m wa waiting in the clinic waiting for my turn then a young woman who seemed happy came in and sat next to me a couple of minute later we started talking it wa le than a month since my first visit i thought that after a month or two i will be the same person a i wa before some event that i don t want to mention here mainly because it s unrelated to my main question in this post but a couple of minute later that thought seemed to be a wish because the mentioned lady said she had been visited by countless doctor and it is year that she is suffering from depression i wa frightened and wondering if someday i realize year have passed and i m also still trying to recover my mental health since that day i have seen some people out there who are under treatment for year or are treatment resistant are they special patient or it is true about everyone how do i know if i ll ever be cured and if so how long doe it take it scare me if i have to live with it for the rest of my life hence i m asking if any hope is there", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 214, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0191", "text": "i ve been in a bad spot for a long time i ve dealt with a lot of grief a lot of handling shit on my own and trying to keep up appearance but thing took a turn for the worse when i had a traumatic event a few month ago that sent me over the edge i developed post traumatic stress disorder from it all and coping since ha been excruciatingly difficult i threw myself into work for about a month and a half i quickly burned out the trigger became an everyday occurrence i wanted help i needed help but i wa afraid every hand extended towards me would only reach to choke me those around me could drown me in an ocean of love and i d never feel wet my clothes may be wet but my skin my heart would feel dry a a desert i feel so closed off yet i crave closeness i can t even remember the last few month but from what i can i ve been destructive i ve been in so much emotional pain that i ve unintentionally caused emotional pain nothing is ever good enough for me it s not a conscious thing you see it s me i ve never felt good enough for anyone nor at anything i did these feeling of failure disappointment overwhelm me most day i m 0 without much to show for it this fight to see another day is wearing me out i keep getting knocked down and i know more is to come from life i just don t see an end to this emotional torture within my mind", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 284, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0192", "text": "i remember back in high school senior year my anxiety wa at it absolute worst it wa difficult for me to make friend so i came home and lost myself in video game to try and forget about how difficult it wa for me to talk to people i had to attend school the next day so i needed some way to cope w the anxiety i d play video game all day and do my work last second i graduated then i took extra time off before heading to college even though i didnt attend h anymore i still had anxiety of having to talk to people when eventually going to college i had issue of self worth i continued to play my video game day in and day out it wa excessive and my family occasionally had outburst theyd say thing like what are you a baby you still like video game grow up keep playing those video game you re never going to amount to anything you re so lazy what s your problem i ve grown out of that phase and my anxiety is more manageable nowadays but looking back i d like to make a point if you know some that is incredibly lazy it may not be by choice their head can feel like a complete mess and they may feel like the only way to cope is by zoning out a much a possible just being alone in a room w my thought made my heart race like crazy and excessive sweating ensued some people just wouldnt understand until it happens to them perhaps some of you do though", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 279, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0193", "text": "title say it all really bit of context i ve been depressed for the better part of year it started late into high school i ve been referred to multiple mental health service none of which have helped i wa first referred to cahms when i wa i stopped going to these session due to me not being able to open up i wa then referred to samh about a year later this wa also no help finally i wa referred to the community mental health team lanarkshire these session were in person where i spoke to a qualified mental health nurse i honestly have no fucking clue how this guy got his job he wa totally unprofessional had this patronising attitude the entire time wa rude and condescending at point and even laughed at me when i said i felt mediocre the one silver lining here wa that he had the ability to refer me onto a psychotherapist which he said that i wa on a month waiting list for i didn t continue going to these session however i assumed i d still be on the waiting list i remember my final session with him i told him i wa suicidal again cut to about month later i phone them back up to check the progress on the waiting list and when i d be seeing a psychotherapist i wa told by a receptionist that i m not on any waiting list this wa very distressing to me because it felt like i had been waiting all this time for nothing it turn out that they discharged me because i didn t continue going to the session i m at my wit end here i keep trying to get help but the nh is just straight up incompetent i wrote a letter to my gp explaining the situation and i got a phone call basically telling me there s nothing they can do and that i have to phone the community mental health team to see if i can get back on the waiting list i m so annoyed all this time spent waiting to finally get some proper help and this happens i don t know what to do please if there s anyone out there who s been through a similar experience tell me what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 405, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0194", "text": "i m trying to figure out if this is an anxiety thing i have been thinking that i may have adhd and i know this is a symptom of it but my therapist say that she won t test me for it bc anxiety can mimick adhd i go through these period every few week or some time every few day i m either really motivated and will do a million thing in a day and clean shower hang out w friend everyday but if this go on for too long i get extremely depressed and burnt out this happened friday i wa so motivated i went to work then the gym then cleaned then saturday i wa out all day something not normal for me sunday wa the same i worked then went out w friend spent all day with friend monday and tuesday worked then went to the gym but now i m extremely depressed and my room is so messy and i don t have any energy and just want to lay in bed for day and not talk to anyone i thought this wa an anxiety v depression cycle but now i think it s sort of a manic like v depression burn out cycle i m just looking to see if anyone can relate it s so hard to keep a job bc of these period of burn out no matter what stage i am in the cycle i m still extremely anxious i just have more motivation to push through it when i m at that point in the cycle", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 271, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0195", "text": "i 0m have had a rough past year my brother ha been in and out of psychiatric institute due to drug induced psychosis changed major life choice around my recent ex of year and am now living by myself in a college town doing all online class all of my friend are hour away and i can not seem to find connection with anybody where i live currently my mental health is on a steady decline despite being on medication and having therapy i drink alone frequently self harm almost every other day and when i try to get ahead i m constantly being pulled back i ve considered killing myself during the height of these past event yet for the first time i am enticed by the idea while having a relatively clear and calm conscious my studio apartment is hell for me a i am stuck in my head almost indefinitely i have no motivation to work on school or go to work regularly despite being a relatively driven person both ex i ve ever had see me a an emotionally abusive and controlling person and seem to have a lot of hatred for me i have always tried my best to be loving to everybody and never intentionally wronged them yet i allow them to hold power over my life even though i never see them after explaining these circumstance to my therapist she told me that it doe not classify a emotional abuse yet i still cling to those word i feel like i ruin everything around me without ever trying every time i get into my car i think about how easy it would be to just speed into a building of off a cliff i honestly don t know if i d be around to type this if i had a gun the only thing holding me back is my family and few close friend but sometimes i can completely disassociate from that reality the future scare the living hell out of me and i don t think i have a place on this earth people always say it get better but i have trouble believing that anymore i ve failed a a boyfriend brother son when all i ve ever wanted wa for people to see my true intention i don t want to go on living if it mean i continue to hurt people that i love", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 410, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0196", "text": "please kill me now i cant find remedy to this life i m literally numbed past few week me m month away from graduation but felt like failed list of failure inferior such that cant make a single friend 0th grade math mark such low that school didn t accept me grade wa c i am not dumb u fuking teacher th mark wa low bullied to mental illness in new school took admission in nice college using dad money first time felt dumb stupid useless wanted to die never been in a relationship don t know the problem there at this time upon i wrote this not a single person is there i call someone my friend many more such incident small or big are there it will take eternity to tell them all cant do suicide because i m scare of the pain cant live this life because what i have become and it giving me so much pain is there any cure is there any hope give me a pause button please please", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0197", "text": "i ll be 9 this year i grew up very sheltered and in middle school wa groomed by a teacher which ha led to a lot of mental health issue mom wa checked out due to illness and i am the youngest of her oldest child is the only healthy one i have attempted suicide time the last time in 0 9 which ruined thing for me i lost my job and had to move back home with mom i hate it trust me i decided fuck i should be doing something and started taking class online i used to live in a thriving city on my own wa in a relationship had a steady career path and it s all gone now living here is awful and i really wish i wa successful on my third attempt since 0 9 i have applied for 9 job i have only gotten interview with of those one job offer and it fell through because they closed down due to covid i am so tired so worn out and i have no motivation for anything anymore i feel like i should just end it somehow but deep down i want to live and be happy again i can t do that in this state or small conservative town le than 000 people v a progressive city i wa living in of 00k that were lgbt friendly idk what to do anymore i have maybe 00 to my name and i wish that could get me out of here but it s not happening sorry for the rant just need to get this shit out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 287, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0198", "text": "i m terrible at articulating my thought so apology in advance let me just say up front that no plan ha been made and despite thinking about it so much i don t think i could go through with it this is just a vent piece i guess i feel like such a burden all the time i genuinely only have one real friend left and feel like my roommate co worker hate me i m anti social and awkward i don t make eye contact and i don t talk at all ever i take way too long to text back if i did km i honestly don t think anyone would know until a body wa found or over a month had passed i m just so sick of feeling like an obstacle all the time like i m always in the way or always wrong to think feel a certain way but all of this seems pretty normal i realise it s not a healthy mindset but literally everyone on earth ha trauma everyone ha their own shit they re going through and not only doe it seem like they re handling it a lot better than me but they have real problem i have friend who lost their job over the pandemic i have friend going through break ups grief or whatever and they still manage to practice their hobby and interact with their fellow man but then there s me doing literally fucking nothing all day every day after work and having the ball to feel like shit over it a if it s out of my control i feel weak willed lazy and most of all i feel like the world s biggist egomaniac for writing so much about myself a if it needed to be said thank you for reading my aimless rambling the thought were very intrusive tonight so i just needed to self depricate i guess good night everyone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 337, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0199", "text": "my dad life 000 mile away from me a well a the rest of my family he s an alcoholic kind of emotional abusive and kicked me out when i wa after my mom died he said some pretty horrible thing to me when he did that but i ve blocked them out so i don t remember really he doesn t really reach out very much due to being blackout drunk off and on a lot but when he doe i get so anxious to answer his call that i don t do it and i just text him instead or don t answer i m worried it make him sad and drink more my sister ha said in the past he resents that i left them back home and moved on with my life i already feel guilty about leaving them my younger sibling so that hurt to hear it s not just my dad though i don t keep up with my grandparent anymore i m worried they re going to die they re kind of old and i m going to regret not talking to them more often mostly my grandma i regret not spending more time with my mom i have multiple younger sibling one of which is underage and ha autism i feel guilty that i don t call them brother and sister and worry that they resent me for leaving and i don t understand why it s so hard for me to just pick up the phone once a week and call these people the only person i talk to often is my sister what is wrong with me why is it so hard scary anxious for me to talk to them yet i feel so guilty by not doing so it s very tiring i know i need to go to therapy but i don t have insurance and can t really afford it also i don t keep in touch with friend which make me sad since my only friend is my partner really i am very family oriented and i love spending time with my sibling when i visit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 364, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0200", "text": "i ve had anxiety a long a i can remember and it not like it ruin my life but i feel i could be doing much better socially and academically if i took a pill that just got rid of it im a college athlete who work out eats right and is in great shape so i truly believe i just have a chemical imbalance that cause my anxiety to act up especially in low action situation such a a classroom this is also spot on with my adhd diagnosis but those med don t help my anxiety all i hear is that when you get on those pill you got ta stop drinking and shit i smoke weed everyday drink heavily every weekend and do coke mushroom acid pretty seldomly anyone got advice for anti anxiety med that aren t going to ruin my brain if i want to drink or do my recreational drug still im even willing to quit the drug and slow down on my booze and weed i just dont want to quit for good", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 184, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0201", "text": "ive definitely had a panic attack before but im not sure if the breakdown i often get are panic attack and if the one i know wa one wa just really extreme if that make any sense during the one i know wa for sure a panic attack lasted for hour and i couldnt stand up from shaking so much felt like i wa on the verge of throwing up passing out uncontrollably cry and hyperventilating lot of shaking all over huuge cold sweat and then i think i had a big sense of an impending doom or like my world wa completely broken without any hope i cant remember very well how i wa feeling emotionally sorry is that how every attack feel or wa that just an extreme one i frequently have breakdown where i emotionally feel the worst dread for every second like i cant cope at all anymore with my emotion leading to suicidal thought and like im completely unneeded or unloved by anyone and these come with painful cry hyperventilating a little shaking but i can still walk around think ok so im not really sure what to call these breakdown because emotionally theyre worse than a panic attack but physically im ok idk what to do about them though it make me feel like a different person and idk if im slowly losing my sanity it scary haha what do you guy think ive only been experiencing intense anxiety compared to how i wa feeling before for maybe month now and idk if it normal or if im really really not ok", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 287, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0202", "text": "hi there i ve spent the past couple of month dealing w anxiety depression and depersonalization and trying changing medication i am on a part time work plan where i work remotely in the afternoon even though i go to bed at a very decent hour i find it so difficult to get up in the morning i will make plan to get up before 9 and get thing accomplished make an appointment etc and despite all this i just turn my alarm off and sleep until noon when i have to log on for work i just dont want to be awake i need to get back to work soon and will be getting up at my old time of 0 am every day but i have no idea how ill do it thing like that used to be so normal before but now i barely want to be awake or leave the house doe anyone else struggle with this are there any tip you recommend to try to get your day started without dread", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0203", "text": "i f met my girlfriend on a game called genshin impact she is amazing really kind to me and is the first person who ha made me feel loved in a really long time the problem is that i still deal with suicidal thought worse now than any point before in my life and what hurt all the more is that i don t want to disappear from her i quite frequently find myself cry because of the thought of her losing me i ve felt incredibly lonely for most of my life that i can remember i used to feel like nobody would miss me if i died now i know there s someone who would really miss me and it hurt a lot i don t want to talk to her about this mainly because i feel like my bad mental health already affect her too much and i really don t like making her upset i wa on the verge of getting to therapy but then money trouble hit my family i feel hopeless and i wish i didn t meet her so i could just end it without feeling terrible", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0204", "text": "hello family i m here to just talk a little about how i feel and plan for my future recently a new gun law wa passed in ohio where i live i no longer have to be to buy a handgun i don t need a ccw nor can they do a background check it go into affect in day the age is the only thing that used to restrict me from buying but soon enough that will change i m so tired of feeling to way i do my son mom make everything so difficult to the point where it would just be easier on everyone if i wa gone and leave my son with a could be would be dad and save him from seeing how i actually am sometimes i get excited to be able to watch my son grow up but then i remember how much of a brick wall the mother is going to be and then i m right back down the spiral i never got out of in the first place she ha absolutely no regard to my feeling i m just tired of the hurt tired of being deceived and tired of being tired i want it to end and the only end in sight i see is the fire arm and before anyone say it no the mother is not the cause of all my problem nor wa she the beginning of it all i ve felt this way since th grade i m now 0 amp graduated in 0 0 and ha been getting worse ever since i ve tried medicine never felt a difference i ve tried drug but in the end they just make me feel worse i want to be there for my son but i can t with her i m pretty self aware and understand that some of the thing i say are selfish in the eye of some but it s just how i feel and i have no one to talk to so here i am i really appreciate anyone who take minute out of their day to read my message", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 362, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0205", "text": "life in sc i have been struggling financially for year and faced homelessness on and off i can t do this anymore i m not mentally or emotionally stable at all i fucked up by quitting my last job week ago because i wa committed to ending my life since i had to pay a 00 bill for accidentally causing damage in my apartment luckily my partner who life faraway helped me out and covered it for me for the longest my life been going downhill i have no family to turn to because i m distant from most of them including my own mother because they re toxic or they would never pick up the phone at all my older sister is the only one i talk with but not really at all i have no friend at all the only people i really have is my partner and my older sister sometimes and they ve been helping me through my situation i feel like a complete burden to them i temporarily lived at my cousin s house and experienced verbal physical abuse and destruction of my belonging from his wife then wa kicked out after a couple of month she kicked me out the house every other week because i wa short on my portion of the rent or out of pure pettiness i been homeless either out on the street park area or living in my car from time to time then i wa ultimately kicked out after she randomly decided she doesn t want to see me again even though i paid for my portion of the rent i did managed to get an apartment on short notice with the help of my partner but i had trouble paying for my bill i had different job and the pay wasn t good at all on top of that they were cutting my hour a lot i barely make it to paying my rent multiple time and i wa hit with a late fee every time i ve been attempting to kill myself many time because i m so tired and stressed out with this uphill battle nothing ever work out in my favor i can t do anything right at all i ve been going day without eating having water or electricity because i m way behind on bill and being broke barely have gas to get to the job i had i tried applying for different assistant program but i only get denied or never hear back from them same thing with applying for job online and in person either they re not hiring never called or i have to wait awhile i sold nude and foot pic before but i couldn t get client who s willing to pay i know some of my problem are because of my own irresponsibility i can never catch a break at all i just can t act get right no matter how hard i try i m always stuck", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 508, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0206", "text": "hi everyone i m new to this sub and am just seeking advice support this weekend i entered into a huge depressive episode after not having one for many month i struggle with depression anxiety and ocd but it s been getting better a i ve built a routine and stuff like that this week though i had some personal issue one of which wa feeling heartbroken by a very manipulative ex and trying to get myself out of that rut the other is having to move back to my college town i am from a large city that i feel very much at home in and at college i have literally no friend and hate the small town where it s located it feel toxic for me and i never know what to do with myself i never go out and mostly just sleep to pas time today i had a particularly hard time going back cried my eye out began to feel this raw sense of loneliness and longing had trouble saying goodbye to family etc with my anxiety i also struggle with being worried that my family will die before we see each other next which is a whole other issue but it doe complicate thing can anyone help and provide some advice i do go to therapy and am not open to taking medication right now mostly i m just wondering what people do when they feel these profoundly heavy episode since it s been a while for me what is your go to activity how do you take care of yourself and get back on your foot any tip for detoxing from the internet social medium i think this might trigger me to think about my ex and stuff thank you and sending love to all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 306, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0207", "text": "so first of all i know that this is all fucking messed up it is the way it is though i ve been depressed and suicidal for a while now and my ex know that aswell i promised him that i would never kill myself which i really regret but whatever i asked them a couple of time but they didn t want me to break my promise and they also said if i did they d commit suicide aswell however now my ex told me that if i told my younger brother i wa gon na do it how and why it would be okay to break the promise i just i can t i can t go to my younger brother tell him hey i m gon na km bc life suck and i m just gon na hang myself i know commiting suicide will hurt ppl around me but they will be fine except maybe my younger brother that s what i m scared for however it s so much worse though if i tell him i m gon na end my life before i do it he will feel so much more guilt and i just don t know what to do and everything hurt so much physically and mentally", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 217, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0208", "text": "i m not interested in life there thing i d like to do but i have no money to experience them i dont have friend or any girl to share a relationship with life is bland i have a job interview tomorrow i ll probably get it now i ll have to show up and sell 0hrs of my life doing something i could care le about for some money i hate everything it s not enjoyable pandemic ruined everything a girl i started really liking doesn t want to see me anymore because i m not vaxed that one definitely hurt a bit she went cold on me please skip the anti pro vax debate i m over it amp i m not anti i dont like leaving the house or dealing with people i dont see any point in this thing called life it just drain me and i d like it to end it simply exhausting amp i get 0 enjoyment from it it feel like a sadistic game i just want it to end i wont hurt myself i dont think i will i dont know if i m depressed i either feel nothing or anger i envy people who are blissfully happy enjoying life i d give anything have that i dont need everything to be great but i d at least like to not hate day to day life i dont have much left in me anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0209", "text": "today i finally shoved the last person out of my life that i wa keeping around only because i didn t want to feel completely and utterly alone it s ok they were using me for their own benefit a well but i broke down i realized that i m depressed again i wa trying really really hard to avoid admitting it to myself but i am ive gained about 0 pound in two month some of which i had lost and wa feeling really good about i have absolutely no friend left im struggling in school really bad so bad that i don t think i m going to graduate highschool this year and i don t have a car anymore so all i m doing is going to work or sitting at home in my room when i say i have absolutely no one i really truly mean it i couldn t name one friend that i have and my family doesn t like me either they always say that you really do have people but i don t and i can t talk to people because of the pandemic i have terrible social anxiety and i can t connect with people i m overweight and getting worse so it s not like i m approachable i truly don t believe that people would care if i wa gone sure someone dying is terrible and it s sad of course but me being gone wouldn t really affect any one after awhile i m getting to a point where i don t know whether i should wait for thing to get better or give up it s really feeling like there s no point in waiting because thing aren t going to get better no matter how long i wait i m really losing hope and i don t know what to do anymore i cant afford therapy and i really don t have anyone else to talk to", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 334, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0210", "text": "so i recently moved to a state 000 mile away from my home with my parent even though there wa no point in it i m and this isn t just the right place for me and there s nothing i can do about it all my family member who lived here convinced my parent to move over here cause apparently it s better when i m here my anxiety ha gone up by a lot and so ha my depression i can t even sit still in peace after getting into a fight like my mind constantly telling me we need to go back home i never got along with others in public and got into fight at school already did drug and a lot of stuff like that my parent think this is the best environment and i m still acting like this and they never listen to me i m having a talk with my therapist in a few day do you think they could convince my parent that this isn t a good place for me and recommend u to move out of the state for better mental health for me mentally and emotionally because i just do not belong here i wa so much better a a person in my hometown now i can t even tell if this is me i even have done drug here for the first time and yet my parent family think i m the problem not the environment what can i do i can not wait much longer", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 260, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0211", "text": "reassure me i am fine my overactive mind is annoying i have been working graveyard shift at a food production plant the boss seem to really like me and have been training me on better paying position in the plant i have always been on time since i started in december today i somehow didn t hear my alarm go off woke up after my shift wa supposed to to start so i called and told them i wa having car trouble and i wouldn t make it in i guess my body wa so exhausted i just didn t wake up graveyard shift is new to me and my body still isn t used to it i ended up sleeping a total of hour a i went right back to sleep after calling in i must have been really sleep deprived totally unlike me to do and now i am just anxious about going in tomorrow there were some people missing multiple time a week and they got let go recently which is what make me anxious", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0212", "text": "i want to know how to stop anxiety while waiting whenever i have a guest coming over wether it be a friend or family or someone im interested in i get severe anxiety from the moment they say on my way to the moment they arrive i feel hot all over i want to throw up and cry and use the bathroom and then a soon a they arrive and i see them im fine for example i called the man im interested in over for a booty call he life an hour away so at 0 0 he texted me he wa coming for an hour i wa asking my sister should i cancel i want to see him but i m anxious and for that entire hour i wa freaking out the only thing that helped wa sitting in the cold drive way and breathing in the night air and then a soon a he arrived i wa fine absolutely perfect similar happened while i waited for guest to arrive to a house party i wa throwing i need help i am on med and in therapy anything help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0213", "text": "i have serious insomnia and messed up hour and anxiety i ve been given hydroxyzine in 0mg and mg for sleep and only x 0 mg xanax per month for anxiety a lot of the reason i can t just sleep is anxiety 0mg of hydroxyzine doesn t seem to work on me anymore mg knocked me out but i woke up extremely groggy with a fast heart rate and these effect lasted the rest of the day it feel horrible i could take the xanax but i m limited to tab a month it s fine for me anxiety wise i just feel chill with it but i ve heard valium might be better for sleep faster effect and last longer too i m wondering whether i should ask my psychiatrist to let me try valium instead but i have a feeling she will limit me to tab a month a well exceedingly strict rule for benzos here ha anyone tried both valium and xanax what wa the difference for you should i even give the hydroxyzine another try if so in what dosage", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0214", "text": "i ve been depressed since i wa year old recently got diagnosed with bipolar personality disorder when i already got diagnosed with anorexia binge eating ibs issue anxiety and depression every day i say i want to kill myself and die i want to die today i looked up parent who s child committed suicide i wanted to see their perspective if i were able to do it i have a plan already but ik i won t be able to do it just having the option is fine why is it so hard to want to be alive and live i don t want to tell my therapist or my psychiatrist because i will get sent to the hospital i love gaming and i won t have to sense of relief if i say the truth i might do it after highschool or maybe after i finish university i can t do it my senior year because that s a waste of school year i m in my junior year have you guy ever looked up story of people who wa close to someone who committed suicide", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0215", "text": "not regularly but sometimes i experience an existential agony wash over me i am not special so i figure there are many others who feel like this hello fellow me s pre tldr maybe you can relate generally i am entirely alone with only exception being at work in an office environment and grocery shopping no friend per say the course of time swallowed those for year i had strived to achieve a normie appearance lifestyle to correct the year of abusive upbringing to my credit i am quite socially competent and financially self sufficient now but new acquaintance just don t click i figure most people have their circle worked out already and on my end i can t easily relate to inauthentic people there ha been positive relationship in my life where i experienced belonging but those each have ended negatively despite my at time to my detriment effort to make a relationship work disappointment fatigue ha accumulated to a point where i have unofficially given up my interest are vast yet spread far too thin i discover i veraciously learn about i try i fail i abandon this tends to be my cycle which additionally sediment guilt of failure rarely i will come across someone who ha those similar interest and is successfully branching into that field and i feel a kind of envy or i could have been like that feeling t h e n i remember that surviving in poisoned soil is hard enough let alone growing tall i expect a lot more of myself than wa logically possible given the circumstance in essence i can not determine if i am in a temporary plateau of development or if i am permanently stunted and will be in this grey area limbo for the rest of my day i take pride in being useful honest and finding answer and i think good karma ha gotten me a long way too hope you have a good day or better than mine atleast", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 345, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0216", "text": "i wake up feeling guilty everyday i truly do feel like people would be happier without me of course i know that s not true but the feeling eats away at my soul everyday all i can constantly think about is the money that s ha been spent on me i feel sick looking at myself in the mirror i don t feel worthy for myself i don t feel worthy for others either i just want to be enough i just want to feel normal doing the simplest thing like breathing fill me with dread and worry when i m around others i ve never had a super close friend though i never really got out a a kid i never really felt understood i find it hard to believe that one day i will feel comfortable with myself because this feeling ha plagued me ever since i wa a child i look forward to when i sleep because that s when i m not limited and i feel free the thought of dying painlessly and giving into the void is what soothes me when i m stressed or sad i want to keep going but it s been so long of me being useless i don t know how to catch up i feel so much dread in simply existing", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0217", "text": "yesterday evening i had the worst panic attack of my entire life this ended up making me feel drained defeated and like i wa an absolute freak for the rest of the day i ended up venting on a subreddit about how i felt and a lot of the comment actually helped me a lot and one reminded me of a couple of old trick that a therapist taught me awhile ago that i wished i would ve remembered yesterday when your brain is feeling really overloaded and so busy that you almost seem manic and don t even know where to begin to start the best thing you can do is force yourself to sit down and allow your body to sink into the chair while you close your eye and just sit there in silence for a moment this allows you to relax your body long enough to feel the emotion that is bothering you the most however if you find more than one specific emotion coming to mind you are still too overwhelmed and need to sit for awhile longer once i can identify what i am feeling the most i just say one word out loud sad scared tired angry etc and reflect why i might be feeling that way and what i am able to do on that very moment to make myself feel better taking a shower napping asking someone for a hug etc it s important to focus on the thing that you feel like you can start to work on in that moment because if you allow your brain to slip back to thing out of your control you will end back up at square one he also reminded me that these are all normal emotion and that i am not weird or crazy for feeling the way that i am and that it is ok to ask for help or set up boundary for myself i used to use this one more during busy quarter in college but can still be really helpful for trying to squish anxiety down before having to do something you can t get out of which could be taking a test going for an interview or even making a phone call i like to picture all of my anxiety and worry a little people boarding a boat on a river and just like to imagine them floating away and out of my view even if it is just for the time needed to complete that one task that i have to do i really hope these help someone because these trick used to help me a ton when i wa going through some rough patch in life and i think i m going to start using them again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 466, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0218", "text": "i ve been waking up with anxiety attack every day for the past week it s been a while since my morning anxiety wa this bad i usually get anxious around people or quite randomly throughout the day which i m used to i ve had that since i wa so i can sort of handle that more or le but man the morning anxiety ha me losing my mind i can t function for hour i either lay in bed with racing heart amp thought unable to move or i m the most fuzzy hyperactive person on earth running around doing random stuff just trying to get away from my thought and hoping it ll somehow calm me down i ve tried breathing exercise meditation stretching taking a shower doing stuff to distract me doesn t help much i have to wait til it go away which take around h for me another hour or two until i feel normal again doe anybody have tip please i just wan na be able to manage this until i can get help the worse it get the more scared i get that i ll fail my university class cause i can t get sh t done which in turn make my anxiety worse vicious cycle", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 215, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0219", "text": "i wa on the edge of killing myself i wa dissociating and experiencing derealization on a daily basis i didn t think i would ever make a decision to pull the trigger but i wa convinced one day i would sleepwalk into doing it it wa strange but maybe some of you know what that feel like i quit drinking and doing all drug i wa depressed for a week but now i have not felt this good in year five year maybe i feel like myself again i tell joke i think clearly about thing and find enjoyment in life nothing else ha changed in my life but the weight of my emotional problem just doe not feel a heavy and it is not something that i am burdened by every minute of every day like it wa before i don t care what anyone else doe with their life i ll probably have a drink when i go out again starting in a few week but before anyone take drastic measure please try cleaning up just to see what your mind feel like in it natural state it ha worked for me and i did not ever think i would feel normal again it is working and i really really hope it can work for some of you too nobody should have to feel the way we have felt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 236, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0220", "text": "so i had a really really rough childhood growing up my parent were abusive to me and i lived in an area where i got into a lot of fistfight trying to make it to the next day wa the hardest battle i attempted suicide by trying to hang myself when i wa i think the attempt failed however it left me with some minor brain damage i have a very difficult time trying to remember thing and think about thing sometimes at time it feel like i can t even read english it just doesn t click with me i ll sit and stare at it for like minute at a time before i finally understand it a for the memory issue i have a difficult time recalling some thing that have happened i will completely forget about something that happened say minute ago that most people would instantaneously remember anyway so i ve been feeling extremely strange lately i moved away from my parent after i turned and now i live in a completely different state and i am doing much better but i feel like i m still there i feel the aura of my childhood house it felt heavy if that make sense something keep weighing me down i m also smelling food that aren t being cooked food that i used to eat when i wa there i smelled a very strong scent of digiornio s pizza earlier but nobody here wa cooking it i ve also been sleeping in through the day and waking up at night so this weird feeling is intensified by like 0 time everything feel so dreamlike and liminal i can t tell the difference between reality and fiction anymore why doesn t anything feel real am i wrong to distrust my eye ha anyone else felt this way it would bring me great comfort to know that i am not alone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 330, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0221", "text": "what do you say when you re told it get better with time it s been the heaviest thing to do when it come to holding myself up i had a hard 0 0 lost my brother best friend and stepdad to suicide and overdose i thought i wa ok i wa so wrong wound up losing my job then my wife decided that she wa better off with me she is probably right so all of 0 i m loosing everyone and every thing spouse life we haven t spoke in over a year iv tried to she is idk i try so hard to move forward though i m not getting anywhere i want to die i can t find the right answer to evolving and being able to engage with life it s been over a year she s great amp thriving i try to do myself in last saturday i tried to leave the car running in my garage and just drift away i couldn t even die right my car ran out a gas all i got wa a head ache and a lot deeper into my pit i ve been looking at and repositioning m pistal hopefully i can get down to business with it soon i know it s better if i do i m worth more in insurance than in life experience why can t i be good at this why am i abandoned in my darkest point they say give it time it s gon na be ok it s a lie time pass for them and i watch it just go by so i say goodbye and if i cross your mind later on know i foght until i couldn t the war in me is to much so it s me i choose my end instead of being this way or loosing touch and hurting someone who ha a good future", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 335, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0222", "text": "feel so alone and alienated i think about hanging myself everyday and it s getting more realistic everytime i imagine it in my head i ve never been the type of person to turn to suicide but i literally have nobody i can turn to and talk to every single person i thought would be there turned out to be selfish self centered people and i ve expressed my thought about suicide and none of them care i feel like they won t until it s too late and even then they will feel relieved i don t even ask for much but i guess just being there while i fix myself is just asking too much i ve googled suicide by hanging and found out it only take seven minute to die by hanging don t even have to do it standing up either i could take a couple pill and put the noose around my neck and lay down with enough pressure on the rope to drift off to whatever is next and all i wanted wa for someone to say that my feeling matter that i matter i don t really think at this point there is any other way to stop all the hurt inside me i ve lost everything in the last year and a half that i hold near and dear to my heart i ve wrote out suicide letter to my loved one and got my retirement account going to them a well i guess subconsciously i ve been planning this out for close to a year now that i think about it i just don t understand how i didn t see how fake the people i surrounded myself and built a foundation for my life l i feel stupid and blind and used up and tossed out like yesterday trash i feel like nowhere is home anymore and my heart break for my kid but i rarely get to see them anyway who know maybe i ll actually get the ball and just do it haven t set a date or anything like that because fuck that i feel it is going to be very sudden and out of nowhere just here one minute and gone the next i never in my whole life though i would get to this point but whatever thanks for listening i appreciate whoever read this post taking the time", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 409, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0223", "text": "im not sure if this is the right thread to put this under idk if this is considered anxiety or irrational fear ocd or the warning sign of psychosis evolving the other day i saw a spider in my room keep in mind i saw a jumping spider in my room a while ago and i didnt sleep in my room for a whole month maybe even longer a couple day ago i saw another but this time im 90 sure it wa a northern black widow i saw the back of it and it wa black with white spot on it and a huge as it wa all crumpled up so i poked it with a pencil it wa in fact alive it stood up abruptly i screamed and ran to my brother to kill it he picked it up with a napkin and flushed it i wa too frantic to tell him not to flush it so we could figure out what it wa well i wa curious a to what kind of spider it could be so i searched black spider with white spot it didnt look like the writing spider or anything else i came across a match but my excitement of finding a match quickly faded a i read the name of the spider i lost it i went to my mom room cry and she refused to listen to me so i called my dad they all told me it wa nothing and it probably just came in on my dog i calmed down but it didnt help much when i sleep on the couch i vigorously shake off my blanket from my room so i can make sure there no spider on it it become a part of my routine to also shake off my pillow and take them out of the case but tonight while i wa shaking them off something occurred to me what if there wa spider in my pillow now i cant use my pillow because all i can think about is spider being in it i also heard a story about a guy that woke up covered in them because there wa a nest in his pillow and a bunch of spider hatched im terrified i cant sleep without a pillow and my first day back to school is tomorrow and it super late i dont know what to do i cant sleep and this is greatly exhausting me i couldnt even use my favorite blanket since it grey and if one of the spider is on there i wouldn t be able to see it what should i do to make my life normal again how do i overcome this please help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 465, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0224", "text": "the past almost 0 month have been the hardest worst time of my life i ve always had a decent amount of anxiety and a little depression i wouldn t even call it depression just a little blue sometimes but these past 9 0 month have been so hard for me every day of my life i feel the deep almost debilitating heart beat making it hard to breathe waking up to that feeling is the worst thing i can describe just make me want to bawl when that s the first thing i experience when i wake up the constant feeling that i want to gag or puke from the anxiety having no true enjoyment out of anything no matter how hard i try i can only fake it i haven t been truly relaxed and at peace for so long i have a wife and a little daughter who i love so much i know they deserve so so much better than me the way i ve ruined their life with my depression and anxiety i know my wife get frustrated going thru this for almost a year i feel like i ve wasted the last 9 0 month of my daughter life and that absolutely kill me missing these special little moment playing more with her etc i just don t have the energy to like i should it kill me i try to talk about how i feel to my wife and my mom the only two i feel comfortable talking to my mom ha so much on her plate and my wife is going thru some family issue so i feel guilty even burdening them with my feeling and issue aka why i m posting here i honestly feel like i ve lost my mind and i m just so so so tired of feeling this way i ve dreamed about just going to sleep and never waking up and then ultimately feel guilty to even think of that with a wife and daughter i know my wife deserves better than me and she would probably move on at some point but my daughter is the only thing keeping me going i know i need to be on med but i m so scared i ll be put on the wrong one and make my mind even worse and make these intrusive thought even worse i m so scared of it i just want the suffering to end and have my life back i ve never been much of a user if reddit but this is the only place i can think of to vent how i truly feel anyone else struggling too i hope you find peace", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 461, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0225", "text": "being gay is so fucking lonely everyone is either busy making their crotch gobblins or busy with their so i come from a super religious family and am not financially stable by myself so i just have to sit on the corner alone and watch everyone else enjoy life i have no one to talk to i dont have any friend id feel comfortable talking about this with and warmlines feel fake a fuck i hate how straight men treat every get together a an excuse to find someone to fuck but i also feel lile a fucking weirdo for not liking woman in latin america where im from people think gay men want to be woman and every comedy show make fun of u i just feel like an object not a human an effigy created to be ridiculed and ostracized a thing that help straight people feel better about themselves by being a freak a useful object like a gay best friend or le of a man i know this will sound petty but it also hurt seeing so many beautiful men and knowing that i would never be able to be with them im also pretty ugly and gay men tend to be quite vain im not muscular im too hairy to be a femboy or a twink and im not a bottom like most people would expect of me i just feel like i dont fit in anywhere and no one will love me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 260, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0226", "text": "i ve never been good at talking to people about how i m doing and most of the time i ll just tell everyone i m fine and move on i have a very close friend and they re the only person i ve ever felt comfortable talking to i trust them with absolutely everything and we ve helped each other through so much a week ago or so they told me thing were changing and they ve sort of left we barely talk anymore and they told me they re still gon na be here for me but i really just don t feel it anymore it could just be my head making it seem a lot worse than it actually is but it really feel like they don t care at all anymore like they used to and it seems like they just don t even wan na talk to me anymore it hurt a lot to think that i used to always text them or something when thing were bad just so i could have someone to talk to but now i don t really have that anymore and i don t know what happened anyways ig no one s got ta respond but i just needed somewhere where i could say this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0227", "text": "i would like to disconnect myself from this world shit because it cause me even to not sleep some day i managed to do some thing because i m a moderate intense social medium user the easiest solution would be just stop using social medium and i would like so but i have adhd and i can t just stop using it i dont find other way to entertain me i m gamer and i would like to enjoy mobile game but it feel super inconvenient playing on a touch screen also some of them drain battery so quickly and i get bored so quick of them these are some thing i already managed to do i m currently using sync for reddit so i can mute word about w r related this wa my major concern also on pc i m using re so i could do the same on pc i have an extension called simple twitter which allows me to remove trendings and having more like an ipad twitter experience luckily tiktok and youtube algorithm doesnt show me content i don t like to see everything is funny or accurate about what i like my major concern are mobile twitter even i have muted word it show me news i dont want to see my tl is fine but it going to search and i see those clickbaity trend which most of time i enjoy but always ha rvssia ukra ne shit i dont want to see my family always put news on tv even i always say i dont lile to see them even i always suggest to turn off the tv or simply switch channel the simpson it s always at lunch time for example the situation wa the same even on early covid season in 0 0 when nobody knew anything always the news were covid de th increase to x president declares lockdown shut down some comerces etc etc everywere i like to see ha somewhere support for ukr ine which dont misunderstand me i support and donated for the cause and i wish the best for them but it still reminds me about the problem which i dont like to see this is the minor concern but it doesnt help me to be calm i would appreciate other way i can entertain me when i m exempt from responsibility thank you in advance", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 416, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0228", "text": "a man in my neighborhood just killed himself in the same method i am planning it happened a month ago but i just got more detail about it today from my mom she doesn t suspect a thing about me all the story i have heard about when something like this happens is that people rally together but that didn t happen my mom talked about his poor wife and how much his kid are going to miss him and how it must have been some of the medication he wa on she didn t say a thing about him other than it wa sad that he had mental health issue the people in my circle think that people like me and him are worth le than someone healthy they never said that but i can tell they think people like me are hard to love that we have too many demon inside of u that people with depression are letting the devil get to them none of this ha escaped me am i really evil am i letting the devil win the worst part is that they don t know what i m planning to do but i could never say anything because i don t want to hurt them i don t want to destroy the image they have of me while i am alive", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 227, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0229", "text": "they said if i got off my lazy as and got a job my depression would go away i d finally have a reason to live that i would be more confident and happy and now that i have a perfectly pleasant job with good pay i feel miserable i think about tomorrow with the utmost dread even tho i know tomorrow won t be so bad the worst thing that can happen is i ll embarrass myself or say something awkward but when i think about going to work tomorrow the next immediate thought is well honestly i d rather just not be alive everyone told me once i got a job and stopped being a disappointment i d be happy but now i might have some money and can pay some bill but that s it i don t feel more confident or fulfilled i feel lonelier than ever because if i tell anyone i d rather die than go to work i ll come off a spoiled and entitled instead of someone whose brain is always stuck in the flight response", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0230", "text": "i have a friend group at school yet i feel lonely and helpless i have anxiety and depression i ve always been a big guy 9 0 pound and i ve always been bullied for it i can t get a girlfriend because i m ugly and socially awkward i can t focus on school because i m always tired i can t talk to anyone about my feeling because i hate letting people into my bubble i miss the happy and innocent me at young age my mom left me with my grandma i hate to think what s gon na happen once she dy i hate myself i m ashamed of myself i wan na kill myself i m such a pussy i m afraid that god is real and i ll be punished i m afraid that when i die it will all be black and boring i don t know what s gon na happen if i do it if i fail straight to a hospital if my life doesn t get better i ll do it i hope if i do it i ll be reborn a someone normal and start over", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 200, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0231", "text": "my imagination is not vivid enough to have faith in god spirit and the afterlife death will come no matter what and when it come your consciousness dissappears you don t feel pain you don t feel happiness you don t feel sadness you feel nothing and you think nothing you simply cease to exist but i respect those who want to live it s futile sure but i respect their decision the thing is if you want to live then you have to be strong in order to make it through all the hardship life throw at you weakling will only hinder the strong there are those who wa weak but then became stronger and then there are those like me who stay weak and doesn t have the will to get stronger my friend my family my relative and my neighbor all do their job despite not really liking them while i m just lying here not wanting to do anything if god actually existed he would be a sadist for putting me in such a strong body i once eat on the same table with two covid 9 patient without catching it or maybe he s also a weakling who can never get thing right my body should ve been used by someone stronger than me like steven hawking then i would kill myself once our body got exchanged he is someone who can actually contribute to the world of the living my death would be that by hanging once i m dead all people have to do is untie the rope and throw me into the fire they won t have to waste time finding my body they won t have to scrape my brain and blood off the wall and i will make sure to write a note telling the police that i have not been murdered by anyone directly or indirectly everyone will go on with their life and maybe forget who i am which is definitely a good thing those thought are like an immortal entity i can do nothing but run away from it by distracting myself with anime meme game novel music self harm that entity however would simply sit down and wait patiently because it know full well that no matter what i do i would still stumble into it hand", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 402, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0232", "text": "i m tired of working with others i like people i like meeting people some people are shitty some are amazing i have anxiety and this week i don t feel like going into the office to work i want to stay at home and not see anyone i don t even work in a big building i work in another city from the corporate office there s only other people who work in the office i do i didn t want to see them or anyone today this particular company is rough right now it s a fairly new company only a few year old and maybe 00 0 employee it s a toxic work place it s lot of strong personality but no leader people resistant to change and some people who don t work there s no leader no accountability i would love work from home but not for another random company i d like to make my own small business it suck working for other people especially company that don t care what happens a long a the work get done", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 187, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0233", "text": "obviously i know the answer is no and that he is perfectly capable of making his own decision but i feel like i m holding him back and since i can t talk to anyone about it let s do it to some stranger online i deal with anxiety and have emetophobia i ve had it since i wa and it s only gotten worse over the year i m now at this point i can barely get enough food in my system to maintain my weight can t go out to eat and get nervous whenever we eat at family or friend and have to drive back my partner is very understanding and doesn t really care about visiting friend and family often since he is pretty introverted however now that covid is over he would love to travel again i can t the thought of being on a plane trapped inside a cage in the sky is horrible but one i can manage but i ll be in a country with strange food strange place and i ll most likely be on the verge of a panic attack every night my partner say that that s no way to go on holiday a it meant to relax and if i m stressed the whole time there s no point edit he got very frustrated and told me i know it s not your fault but what s the point in having a partner when we can t do anything together i have reached out to get help but waitlist are so long that i have no way of knowing when i ll get help the fun thing is that they ve told me they need me at a healthy weight to start therapy but i ll have to do that without help in the back of my mind i m not very optimistic since therapy hasn t helped the last 0 year either and i ve gotten worse every time we re on the verge of buying a house together and i m just in doubt whether i should go through with it since he deserves much better thanks for listening and helping me get this off my chest", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 377, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0234", "text": "i m about to be and right after that i m going to graduate after i graduate i m moving back to america back to my hometown and away from my parent my parent won t even be that far away hour away in another city my whole life i ve known nothing but to be a kid obviously and i can t picture myself a anything but that i can t imagine myself a an adult and that terrifies me i m not ready to let go of being a kid i wa extremely fortunate to have a good upbringing and this being a kid teen thing is great i m not ready to grow up yet i m not ready to stop enjoying childish thing i m not ready to stop playing childish game there are part of being an adult i m excited for of course but i hate that i have to stop being a kid i m not ready to move on from that part of my life sometimes i m scared that maybe i didn t enjoy being a kid enough since i moved to a new country i dont have many friend here i never got up to typical highschool shenanigan with anyone but i see my close friend back in america getting to live a very normal highschool life and i feel like i ve missed everything being the oldest of my sibling sometimes a third parent i feel like i didn t get to be a kid all the time and that s more time wasted growing up you re constantly told enjoy being young while it last you re gon na regret wishing you were older never grow up and that s all actually really terrifying to say to a kid haha i guess to conclude i m afraid i haven t enjoyed being a kid enough and now i m not ready to be an adult", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 332, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0235", "text": "it s like knowing your place in this world i ve always been proud of me i always felt i ve done thing a they should be done fairly loving good people listen to others helping them always trying to draw a smile on their face and making their world a better place because life is short and everyone deserves to be happy no matter what and i thought i deserved that too but all i can see is that i m lonier than ever i never felt what is being loved the only partner i had abused and cheated on me leaving me memory like me cry next to him and he sleeping peacefully i ve been in love recently again but i got rejected like a few time before that previous relationship i guess i m not good enough a always there s always prettier people than me i lost friend and people i thought they were my friend family and the two three friend i have now can t understand how lonely i feel some of my friend deceived me when i thought they would be here for me at hard time like i always did for them all i try to be happy seems to be in vain i will never be precious to someone i m sure that people who know me will still live if i die so i don t care anymore if i die right now life go on for them but i want to stop mine now my place isn t in this world i m hoping for a sudden death like a car accident a domestic accident or something that kill me because i m a coward and i won t kill myself hoping my parent donate my organ so someone with force of will life a happy life a life i wanted for me but i never got", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 321, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0236", "text": "like i can t even focus on anything my mind is always racing overthinking and obsessing this is especially annoying right now because i have my final exam coming up real soon and i need to work but i can t concentrate i hate the way i act around people i am so awkward i don t even speak just awkwardly nod whenever someone talk to me and whenever i do talk some dumb shit come out of my mouth it seems like i have started to isolate myself more and more from people and i am always moody people have started to catch on saying that i always look sad tired among other not very nice thing whenever someone asks me if i am okay i just lie and say yes nod my head awkwardly or make up some excuse i wish i could tell someone about my problem in depth but really i don t know what i would say and honestly no one would actually care and i don t blame them everyone ha their own shit going on and i don t want to bother anyone with my problem my own mother ha started to catch on to my moodiness and she ha started to yell at me and everything cause of the way i am acting i don t even think i am doing anything wrong i m just not talking and i want to be left alone i wish i could tell her but again i don t know what i would say i don t know how she would take it and i don t want to stress her out anxiety really suck i hate using these thing a an excuse cause i just want to get on with my life like everyone else", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 307, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0237", "text": "i m m and all i feel like i do is dissapoint everyone around me it suck i remember everyone used to tell me that i would have a bright life when i wa a kid and i look at myself now unable to talk to people hold down a conversation without saying sorry every second i just feel like such a dissapointment and feel like everyone in my life would be so much better without me i see my partner of year just thrive in her life and it just kill me so much knowing that someone who is so full of life love me i feel so bad for her sometimes since my anxiety get so bad to the point where i get panic attack going to her family house or even taking her out to a restaurant i ve never felt this low in my life and all i can think of now is just offing myself to spare everyone of my misery nobody deserves to have someone who is just a downer all the time", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0238", "text": "hello so i have ptsd bipolar disorder and a back injury that will never heal i recently had to move from maine to florida i am in the process of re establishing my medical care in a new state a more restrictive state the doctor here want me off my back pain medication my anxiety medication and want me to quit smoking pot it took me a long time to figure out the exact combination of medication that work for me amp x 00b i moved from california to maine about ten year ago it took me a few trip to the looney bin for doctor to believe me figure out what wa wrong with me and treat me i spent my first three year in maine in constant pain due to a back injury that my nurse practitioner thought i wa way too young to have which i absolutely did and still do have she sent me to specialist that verified i do have a serious injury and she would say she doesn t believe them i turned her into the board of director at the hospital i wa in for basically torturing me but because i live with debilitating depression i did not follow through with it and it wa dropped amp x 00b when i finally found a doctor that believed my x ray and wa willing to treat me and a doctor that wa able to diagnose my ptsd and bipolar disorder and treat me my life took off in the right direction i wa able to finish my bachelor s degree my master s degree and start my phd one right after another my family wa forced to leave maine because of all the people that flooded into maine due to the pandemic and maine s low number of reported case in the beginning amp x 00b now i am having to redo all of these complicated step and i feel myself falling into my depression hole i feel so defeated i m coming down off my back pain med and my back is hurting so incredibly bad it make me want to die i have gone through so many year of physical pain i thought it wa over i thought i had that figured out my anxiety about doctor s opinion in my medical care and anxiety behind being looked at like a druggie when i don t do drug the anxiety of having to plead my case to people that just have heard so many lie they wouldn t know the truth if it smacked them in the face depression at having to do all of this crap over again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 467, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0239", "text": "i m don t know how to explain it but any affection make me genuinely sick to my stomach it s weird because i m a loving person i try to be kind to everyone and help a much a i can maybe sometimes a little too much even with the smallest thing i try to come through and help because something inside me genuinely just say i should do it i can never respond correctly to any compliment and always try to find a way move around it or i just quickly think of a way to compliment them back so it doesn t feel one sided is that weird the only time i don t feel a way about it is when my mom dad or sister compliment me i try to interact with people but feel like they genuinely don t care about what i have to say and a lot of the time i don t know if it s in my head or if it s true when i get invited to meet i want to say something but never do and kind of just stay there silent listening a lot of the time i feel like i make my friend super uncomfortable too i can only come up with so much to say and usually just hope there s is more than one person there when i do talk i never know what to say or stumble over my word figuring out how to say it to the point where they interrupt me to conclude the conversation or move on don t get me started with romantic stuff every time i think about being in a relationship i genuinely want to vomit i feel so sick my stomach hurt it s also terrible because i really want to be in one someone to have loving bond with a two sided support system ups and down all that good stuff sometimes i imagine it too but when i do i physically get so ill like i m gon na throw up kinda feel like i m rambling but i don t understand what all this is tldr simple affection make me feel sick or uncomfortable even though i m a person who love to make others feel great and do my best to help them all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 394, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}
+{"id": "depression_test_pos_0240", "text": "i m not sure if this is the right subreddit to put this in but this ha been ruining my self esteem for a while i m a senior in highschool and i m super hyper aware of my presence and reputation i try not to stand out too much but at the same time i m not some random face in the background i do all of this because i despise the word weird i hate being called weird or anything like it it make me feel like absolute garbage and want to erase my existence from the earth this is most likely since i wa bullied pretty decently in middle school so all through highschool i wa dedicated to being seen a normal or at least not on the bottom rank if that make any sense if i ever do anything that seems out of place or too extroverted i really almost cry since whenever i bring attention to myself it end up feeling super cringey and on the spot it s like i can t escape it like wherever i go and and whoever i meet they re all going to think that i m weird", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "test"}