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+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0000", "text": "i know i m just a burden to everyone around me i hate myself people have told me i m mean after i m really fucking trying to be a good person every partner i ve had i ve hurt at least once the worst part is that i am not doing this consciously i m just naturally an asshole i thought i needed therapy i have it i thought i needed a new job i have it maybe pill done then i wa convinced it wa smoking too much weed so i ve quit for a month now started exercising eating better i have my own house and cat and literally nothing help it only make it worse because i have le and le of an excuse to be a burden to those around me if i kill myself i can leave everyone all my possession and spare them the pain and burden i d cause them in the future i have a plan so no one will have to see my body but the cop and literally everyone would be better off why the fuck should i not do it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0001", "text": "hey r anxiety i didn t know where to put this but figured it s mainly a side effect of my anxiety so i went with here i ll just get into it i m a 9 yo male that s been diagnosed with anxiety and other disorder mdd odd adhd polysubstance addiction this may sound weird but i wanted to know if you guy recluse by choice a someone who want to have friend and a strong social aspect in life but just doesn t have the social skill to i m curious if you have a similar experience knowing that it s not a choice is probably the hardest part for me like i see everyone out having fun spending the day with their friend and it destroys me inside knowing that i don t won t ever have that i live on the sideline which make me want to stay inside even more to avoid seeing that and feeling so i sit in my room the whole day getting high the only other place i go to is my job which i can t even look up at eye level out of fear of accidently making eye contact with someone i just feel like everyone s automatically put off by me which then make me act in a way that actually doe put them off i just want someone to talk to that s not either my mom or my dad i thought about it and realized that once my parent die i will have nobody which at that point what s my life worth", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 275, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0002", "text": "i sometimes wish i could do it just finally end it then i catch myself and i tell myself why i am here for me i am so tired i am tired of working my 9 job i am tired of repeating everything over and over again i feel like everything i have in my life i destroy i am trying my best to move on from my break up i reflected and i pushed him away i wa toxic i feel like a shitty human being that maybe doe deserve to die if i could take it all back i would i tried so hard to keep the relationship healthy that in the end it wasn t the worst part is i made him feel like he couldn t even tell me how he felt the day he discussed it with his friend wa the same day we hung out he never said a word i just don t want to be here right now i just want to disappear i ruined everything in my life i am done i m not going to end it because thinking of the pain i cause others hurt but being alive hurt me more", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 203, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0003", "text": "i m and recently have gone back to school in person during covid were some of the best time of my life strangely enough a i learned i had a passion for game development and met so many cool people that i could just hang out with all day and never get bored though now that i have gone back to in person schooling i have felt so lonely i have always struggled with finding close friend with them always having someone else i feel like everyday is a massive obstacle and it s so repetitive and i just feel so lonely all the time idk what to do anymore i feel like it would just be easier to feel nothing then have to do this shit every god damn day since i don t have time to hang out with my game dev friend anymore and i just wan na die and all my other friend go to different school which make it rly impossible to get close with them i have tried talking to girl and i always fuck it up and i just can t do this shit anymore i feel so lonely and wan na km tho i know i m too much of a pussy to actually do it since it would be painful", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 221, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0004", "text": "i ve been suicidal on and off for just over year i ve been in therapy for i ve been on antidepressant for i just got out of the psych ward for the first time and now i m in a stupid zoom partial program i ve been taught countless coping skill and way of managing difficult emotion through cbt dbt act you fucking name it they re suggesting that i go to a residential program for a few week but there s no cure for depression everyone keep talking to me about college but i can barely think a month into the future never mind a year and thinking of the whole rest of my life just stretching out ahead of me just make me exhausted i m expected to keep doing this for like 0 more year at the end of the day i just can t imagine going on like this forever and i know it get better and all that bullshit but i m so sick and tired of waiting for better sure there are better day but that just make it all the more frustrating when the bad one come i m ready for this just to be over", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 208, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0005", "text": "so i recently started my first customer service job and wa doing well until it came to order taking i wa making order before at the register inside i m not great but okay but the register at the drive through i seem to have worse anxiety while talking with people i don t know and can t see for some reason and on top of that everything that happens at the drive through is broadcasted to anyone wearing a headset and on top of that my medication wa screwing me up any time i missed even one dose i wa waning off but having trouble with the final drop off and i wa on the verge of a breakdown all day and the drive through wa what pushed it too far and i had to leave early to get my medication my medication still aren t stable and i m having a very anxious episode that s been happening since i started getting off the medication far worse than it wa before how have you managed to cope with this anxiety and perform necessary work interaction with stranger repeatedly", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 193, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0006", "text": "i had a meeting that i knew wa going to go well but i couldn t control my breathing and my heart rate wa insane i wa filling time with some paperwork but i couldn t focus i tried box breathing and it didn t work forgot to try grounding technique but will moving forward just to mention this pre event anxiety is normal a a kid going to birthday party made me anxious happens all the time still but this is the first time i just couldn t breathe this wa such a worrying experience i have something to actually worry about tomorrow and i hope it doesn t go the same way i honestly don t think it will because my body seems to react to adrenaline differently based on specific situation i am stressed thinking about it now or stressed because i m stressed maybe a soon a i sat down in that meeting i wa completely fine thought it might have been a combination of walking too fast and then my body not recovering from a weird breathing pattern but then i wa walking the same way later completely fine i ve been sighing all day which is what i tend to do when i am stressed i am trying to get help but yeah thing aren t moving along very well i m going to make an appointment with my therapist a soon a possible we are working together on an unrelated issue but i think we ll benefit from talking about it also worried about an upcoming wisdom teeth surgery anyway going to go cry so i can get some of this out of my system", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 283, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0007", "text": "the one reason i ve decided to stay alive ha left me she said that the way i acted wa too much and she had cut me out of her life completely she wa the only reason i d keep trying but now she s all gone there s no point to anything anymore i m so tired of trying i miss her so much i m diagnosed with depression ptsd and bipolar type ii i m on anti depressant on a dosage considered to be high for adult it doe nothing for me i can t find the energy to do anything anymore my mom said she s going to leave because i m too much for her to deal with now i doubt she will see this but if she doe i love you so much i know people say it get better and i ll find someone else she s the only person who loved me unconditionally and showed me that the world isn t a bad a it seems now she s gone i ll be leaving at 00 thanks to whoever stayed with me on my journey", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 196, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0008", "text": "im waking up and have some weird thought i think one of them is that i think im unattractiv because im not that heigh with cm i think im way to small and thats the reason im unattractiv to woman i also dont get enough attention from my parent i feel so hollow because i think i deserve to be ignored i think that im seeking to much attention and thats not healthy but i want my father punish me if i show my feeling and my problem with and what is with me he denied everything i need and thats left me with im a burden for him thats my fault that i exist in this world i love to be connected with other people but this feeling from the past come back and say to me u dont deserve this attention other people ha way le that attention like you so be happy what you have but im not happy thats weird and i cant right now figure out where i have to put this thought i wish i had more atttention from my parent i want to show them what i like and i wish they would be interessted in what i do i have this frustration inside me and i hold this to much back i want to say myself im good enough constantly to push myself to the limit is exhausting and to please other people this suck", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 253, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0009", "text": "some of you on this sub probably have this a well i m about to be 9 and i have been depressed since i wa a child it ha taken away my ability to make friend be a functional human being and live a normal life i ve never felt wanted because i wasn t my narcissistic family wasn t of any help so i moved in with my boyfriend approximately a year ago i regret everything i have no support i m a disgrace to my family all i want to do is lay in bed and just stay there and the worst thing is i can t just kill myself or my boyfriend will be emotionally ruined i don t understand why i got into a relationship i m so selfish if it wasn t for him i would ve thrown myself off of an overpass a while ago i feel like i m going insane i want to die but i can t actually do it myself because of guilt fear so i m kinda just there trying to do what people expect of me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 191, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0010", "text": "i struggle with school having to take all honor and ap class at home my parent insult me and treat me like a tool making me pick up their slack they give me the same excuse saying that since they work i need to do something my mom and step dad also think that my study are the most important thing in the world a i cant go out with friend having three sibling that are 0 year younger than me also build up this stress my family issue also include me not knowing my real dad my mom never told me anything about him but snooping through her phone let me know he in jail in another country i cant take my family anymore and i wan na cry but i cant my friend dont understand since they have loving family and big home the only person i can talk to is my closest friend but knowing that she ha her own issue worry me i have not cried ever since th grade and when i do it me tearing up i cant feel happiness anymore nor sadness it just me hating my family even more sport and videogames arent a good escape for me anymore a i lost interest in it and keeping up good grade to impress my parent make me want to cry but i cant i dont know anymore and im stooping really low talking on reddit i wish i could cry but i physically cant", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 257, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0011", "text": "so this is going to sound stupid so im sorry if it is but im honestly not sure if im actually depressed ive had thought about commiting for about three year but it not thought like oh i need to die it more like im not going to accomplish anything in life so why bother going through any more pain little bit of background one of my friend killed himself freshman year and now im going to be graduating with out him most people at my school view me a that one immature kid due to the fact that thats just my sense of humor ive been bullied for the way i act and my height since th grade im taller now but it still hurt and my mother left me at year old on my father doorstep and she show up every once in a while looking worse and worse every time telling me how she miss me and my brother and sister are missing me i later on learned that she left because the cop were coming for her and she ran all the way to florida to get away were in maine also my stepmother ha issue do to her father being messed up and she tends to take out her anger on those arounder so she wont snap at work there a fight roughly once a week and about a week ago durring one of those fight my father yelled at her saying that it my mother fault im like this because she would take pill when she wa pregnant with me and also smoke amp x 00b sorry if this turned into something else and got of topic i just need some advise is all if thats okay", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 300, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0012", "text": "so i won t bore you with all the detail but basically my life wa going so well in 0 9 finally i wa in college had friend wa finally starting to date wa genuinely enjoying life for the first time in my life then of course a once in a century event happens that destroys everything and i had to do remote work for straight year suffered through it graduated and now i got a somewhat mediocre sale job making 0k a year my life ha never returned to the way it wa my social life wa destroyed i m a year old guy and have never been in a relationship i wa a late bloomer and wa just starting to date in college and work is such a grind i really dislike it i have goal but i don t even know where to start to top it all off ever since the pandemic i have severe insomnia and always wake up at am randomly and have to take melatonin to sleep anyone else relate to this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0013", "text": "my depression ha gotten much worse lately but i haven t told anyone how bad it is not even my wife because she s still grieving her mom who passed away last month and i don t want to add to her trouble i ve been having suicidal thought again but so far no intent to actually end my life however i have relapsed into self harm again and i think it s worse than it ha been before like i can t end myself because my wife and kid need me and i m now the only income earner in the house so i need to provide for my family so i m doing the next best thing and hurting myself thus why i m hesitant to tell my therapist how bad it s gotten i d voluntarily committed myself a couple year ago when i wa suicidal and told my wife so i know how that go but i know there is a risk that if my therapist think is dire enough i can be involuntarily committed and i can t afford to miss any work right now i don t know what to do i know i don t have a lot of time to decide because my next therapist appointment is in a few hour", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 223, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0014", "text": "so i have a stutter and i ve always been insecure about it i wa with my best friend and his friend and his friend made fun of someone s stutter because he s not aware i stutter this made me realize how easy it is to make fun of people behind their back i felt really bad that night and started cry when i got home cause it made me realize i didn t know who wa being real with me and i felt a tho i wa devalued flash to today and it wa still bugging me but i realized something those people aren t exclusively making fun of people like me but making fun of a lot more than a stutter people are made fun of for stutter tic religion sexuality lisp appearance and more i realized it s not my problem to worry about them and most people that make fun of others will show themselves with time and real nice people will never do that this made me content and i wa happy i forgot about it for the most part and went about my business but i posted something to reddit about it and someone said they had a similar experience and it lead to going into psychosis and being paranoid about people talking badly about them this made me almost have a panic attack when i wa eating with my parent because going psychotic is one of my biggest fear ever since then i ve felt so anxious it took a good 0 0 minute to calm myself down and not be on the edge of a panic attack ever since then i can t shake this thought but now for a different reason instead of worrying who s judging me i m worrying if i believe it i ve had this fear before but when it s bad it get so bad it feel like i m already psychotic even tho i m not and today wa one of those day it feel like the thought you believe if fact and i have terrible depersonalization this ha happened time before this and normally after a good sleep my anxiety tone down a bit but since this is a little different and it started out without that anxiety doe that mean i am going crazy instead of thinking anyone is judging me i keep asking myself if i think these specific people at my work would judge me idk why once again that wa cause ocd started to ob on it now but since i had this thought before ocd doe it mean i m going crazy or am i sane since i m worrying so much about it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 468, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0015", "text": "this is a rant i saw a video about how this one person love every day of the week for a different reason and i immediately started cry cause i realized i can t remember the last time i wa excited to wake up the next day i haven t brushed my teeth in day my room is absolutely disgusting the stupidest thing make me sad or angry i got mud on my shoe bawled for hour dropped and spilt my drink cried got a craving for cooky but knew i wouldn t make them cried i feel like every day is a loop i m only and i miss school at least once a week and now my mom force me to go because of my many absence and it s sooo hard i feel like a disappointment to my parent because at the beginning of the year and i always have been a straight a student in advanced class now my grade are filled with c s and d s even though i m trying so hard", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0016", "text": "for context im a 0 year old over all physically healthy person i wa diagnosed with bipolar ii when i wa i have never been medicated other than the first month of my diagnosis i quit taking the medicine after that month now a day i am pretty confident in my ability to control my bipolar tendency i know my body warning sign for mania a well a for the low i know how to be proactive and aware of my situation despite all of this i have begun having panic attack i have made an appointment with my doctor so i can discus all of my medical worry and to hopefully weed out any physical issue i may be experiencing the first time i had what i think is a panic attack wa back in september i wa in nashville with some friend for the weekend and on one of our day i actually collapsed in a cafe after feeling extreme nausea dizziness and anxiety up until recently i thought it may have something to do with me being malnourished or dehydrated now im not too sure the second one that come to mind is when i wa snowboarding back in february and ended up almost collapsing in the middle of the day vision and nausea were terrible my most recent one wa yesterday simply sitting at a red light in an intersection what started with me feeling nervous about being nausea quickly spiraled into me feeling dizzy and panicky again and of course the cry is uncontrollable i guess im just now wondering if i am sick or if all of this is panic i am scared i am worried i have a trip coming up later this year where i will be flying and i do not want to panic at the airport or hour from home i think i need advice and insight sending my love to all of those struggling with this terrible terrible problem im very thankful for any advice anyone may have", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 356, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0017", "text": "today i took the very scary choice of going to the hospital i don t know if i needed to but i wasn t sure how safe i wa and wanted to be careful a few hour a benzo and a long therapy session later i wa out and feeling pretty great about myself i did the right thing i relied on professional help i made sure i wasn t burdening my family and then my wife told me she didn t want me to come home and this just fucking broke me can you imagine getting out of the hospital after a surgery or accident and having your spouse tell you they don t want to see you would anyone say after you got out your appendix you weren t there for me today so i don t want to see you i understand and respect that being with someone with a mental illness is really hard i have done so many thing that would totally justify leaving me but what s breaking me is that the thing that i am getting turned away for wasn t my horrible behavior but the time i did the right thing the time i got help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 206, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0018", "text": "a miscommunication happened which caused my grade to not appear in the record everyone is blaming me for it calling me a liar saying i didn t go to class they want to expel me i admit it i skip a lot but if i have a test i swallow my tongue and go no one will believe me even with the evidence because i m a bad student and a delinquent i ve been the subject of whole as council meeting because of me being trans which is considered very disrespectful to the school i m seriously considering suicide my whole family hate me my friend are all doing better than me i need to go to med school i need to fix this but it seems impossible please i need someone to tell me i can do it i need someone to tell me it s not too late for me please tell me i still have time to fix this for the first time in my life i need to hear something because i feel like i m going insane please just tell me it will be ok", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0019", "text": "update click here to view version 0 of the list of most helpful comment and resource http www reddit com r anxiety comment t0 f o comment i pkm f utm source share amp utm medium web x amp context update please see the current stickied comment for more information it is ok to include a link that is causing you anxiety and asking people to help explain it better it is also ok to provide a news link alongside your own commentary about the article to help people understand what it is saying in a le anxious way we re specifically going to remove comment that have one or more news link without asking for help or providing original commentary about the article update 0 we have seen a large amount of post that are mainly about sharing discussing specific news article please remember to keep everything relevant to anxiety if a comment is just a news link then we have decided we will have to remove it to keep the thread on topic hi everyone it ha been requested that we create a megathread for all of the event that have been happening with regard to the conflict in ukraine we decided that this is a good idea since so many people have been experiencing extreme anxiety because of it we have opted to have this thread be sorted by best for the time being to read and respond to the latest comment you can manually change the sort to new the reason we re doing this is because we want the most helpful and most grounded comment to float to the top to help a many people a possible keep their anxiety under control during this difficult time for those who want to talk with other anxiety sufferer in more of a live format feel free to join our official discord server with this invite link http discord com invite 9sscse9 http discord com invite 9sscse9 we have added a special channel to it called ukrainediscussion so people can talk about what s happening and help each other a always please remember to be supportive and report any problematic comment so we can remove them a soon a possible thanks the r anxiety mod team", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 401, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0020", "text": "almost every day i get intrusive thought to kill myself i m having a perfectly normal day and then one thing happens and i immediately start thinking about how i should just die i just turned in february and i wa planning to do it before i turned now i m planning to do it before i m an adult i can t go into a store without going into the tool isle and looking at the dollar rope i can t stop thinking about it right now i m on a school trip in fucking hawaii for god sake music festival and all my classmate are having the time of their life but i wa sitting alone trying to stop myself from cry on the bus now i m in my hotel and the only friend those friend fucking got in a group without me so i m in a room with sophomore that i don t even know my class they all begged me to come here on the school trip for month before we came here but i didn t want to because i thought i would be dead by now now that i think about it hawaii would be a good place to end it my room in the hotel ha a balcony we ll see if i use it this week before i leave also i have derealization all of these thing make me want to just leave this world for good there s more thing to but i don t wan na talk about it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 268, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0021", "text": "i guess i just need to vent too i m a timid and shy person with social anxiety i m afraid of what people think of me i m afraid of being judged negatively i m afraid of being rejected im afraid of taking my mask off in class in fear of catfishing today i didn t have my mask on for a split second and went to the bathroom to throw something away i see classmate and i immediately froze and walked out before they could even say hi they probably think i hate them now i couldn t even think it s like my body moved itself i did take my mask off without thinking once and the lady complimented me on how pretty i wa i wa so shocked i know i m not ugly and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but i still can t help but feel ugly i m afraid of speaking up and asking question i cant make eye contact with people bc i m scared i might see disgust in their eye i m scared of applying for certain job bc i m afraid i won t be able to do it so i settle for the easiest and worst retail job im afraid for my career in design bc i feel like i won t be able to sell myself to people im afraid of talking to people bc i ll stumble over my word i m afraid of falling in love for fear of being left and if i do fall in love it ll turn into obsession and infatuation from fear of them leaving cheating growing up i ve had to deal with domestic abuse violence when it came to my parent my father wa quite the bully always saying i couldn t do anything hell that man ha never said a nice thing in his life in middle school i ve dealt with rejection and it wa quite painful and other teen asking me out a a joke i spent the rest of highschool in online school so i never really got to experience that vital part of life i ve been in therapy for year on and off but it just didn t work for me talking about my shitfuck dad all day doesnt help with my fear how can i stop this fear that ha taken over my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 416, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0022", "text": "it must be annoying to be my friend employer fellow employee or anyone else who need to contact me i am scared to death of receiving bad news from people bring angry at me plan not working out or more responsibility being added to my plate that i just out right avoid any news all together im really scared that the government is going to come after me for incorrect tax breaking law which i have unbeknownst broken ect so i just avoid any and all thing that they could contact me through i dont even like doorbell this ha damaged my gpa because i don t even look at my school website so i miss homework and even test i guess i m just paranoid feel like the end is always drawing near and i d rather not see it hit me but it hit me regardless and it s impact is worse because i dint see it coming but because it hit me it reaffirms that bad news is coming and the cycle continues", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0023", "text": "hey all i m 0 and i started taking 0mg citalopram in summer last year i had no side effect except for a decreased appetite and worsened insomnia i already suffered with that though everything wa going well until the start of this year when my anxiety suddenly got out of control my doctor think i grew resistant to the 0mg or something my dose wa increased to 0mg the end of feb for the first week i felt fine but then i started to feel nauseous the second week then over last weekend i began to be physically sick i take citalopram in the morning a soon a i wake up because i used to take it at night and it wasn t good for my insomnia a well a this for the good of being completely transparent i am a social university student who doe enjoy drinking even though alcohol wa fine with 0mg could it be possible that it is not now i know this is an important piece of context hence why i m including it basically did anyone else suffer with nausea and vomiting after increasing their dose should i be concerned that it s been week since starting the new dose and my side effect haven t settled also how worried should i be mixing citalopram with this new dose when i wa fine when i drank on 0mg thanks for any advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 262, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0024", "text": "i ve been feeling rather dissociated lately like i m a spectator in my body i m not sure how long i ve been feeling like this but it felt especially bad on one particular day like i wouldn t have been surprised if i woke up and it wa all a dream that same day i began experiencing what i can only describe a very brief panic attack i m never actually worried about anything in particular i ll be sitting in class or something and suddenly a fuzzy feeling will wash over my body and my heart rate will spike i always expect that something will happen like i ll lose the ability to move part of my body or maybe i ll go numb or thing will start swelling up or that i ll just pas out right there but nothing else happens and the feeling subsides after a bit leaving me in the same disassociated state a before after the panic dy down initially i thought this could only happen while i wa sitting down i usually feel better after walking around and getting some fresh air but i just experienced this feeling while walking and my leg felt numb they worked fine i didn t stumble or anything but it wa like i wa just commanding my body to walk instead of voluntarily moving my muscle to cause it if that make any sense the day this started happening wa the same day that another big event happened one that i m not going to mention because my post get removed i m wondering if the initial wave of anxiety over the possibility of future event ha awakened some kind of generalized anxiety in me i ve also started developing health anxiety regarding food at the same time this started happening i fear that ill have spontaneously developed an allergy to whatever i m eating even though i have no history of this wondering if anybody ha had similar experience and can help me understand what s going on", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 347, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0025", "text": "i m starting a new job tomorrow and i m extremely anxious about it i m excited to start this new chapter but i just wish i didn t feel so nauseous right now i ve come really far in overcoming my anxiety but i ve taken everything slowly one baby step at a time this is a huge step the only job i ve had in the past year is instacarting grocery shop amp delivery that i started month ago i did everything at my own pace day a week and maybe a few order a day this job i m starting is hour shift time a week i shouldn t have set myself up for so much but i need to start working towards my career a a dog groomer and this bathing job is an incredible opportunity to do so my living situation is changing soon in that i will need to bring money to the table so i didn t have much of a choice the worst part is i can t actually bathe any dog until i ve learned from the other groomer how to do it which will take time so i worry that the day will go by really slowly because i won t even be doing anything or getting paid until i am ready to start bathing which i don t know how long that will take a friend of mine who work there in the pet store not in the grooming room pulled a lot of string for me with the bos a well my entire family and boyfriend family know i m starting tomorrow and are so happy to see me finally starting to do something meaningful they ve all had a problem with my not working for year because of my anxiety i just feel like not only for my sake but for everyone else s sake i can not screw this up i feel like i m throwing myself into the deep end and hoping i can swim", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 347, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0026", "text": "hi r anxiety i m a 0yr old male with what i would say is a decent amount of stress but nothing out of the norm yeah work is stressful rent is increasing and a proposal to my gf are all looming but i ve always been able to accept those thing will come with some mild stress since i m human i ve been experiencing what i can only describe a mild severe panic attack recently that are completely wiping me off the face of the earth this past saturday i found myself in a bathroom stall at noon after being out with friend for lunch drink experiencing symptom last night after work i came home wa slapped with tunnel vision trembling tight chest and once i laid down in bed had what i would describe a the worst experience of my life for 0 minute borderline exorcism i m completely new to this experience and am obviously concerned what my trigger are or where this is coming from i plan on having a wellness check with my local physician but are there buzzword or thing i should include so i can do exactly explain what i am experiencing i constantly drink water i take only about 00mg caffeine a day i exercise time a week i have what i would describe a a pretty well balanced diet why is this happening all of a sudden appreciate any feedback this is more of a vent", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 255, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0027", "text": "i have no one to tell this so i want to throw it here maybe i will delete it my mind kill me but i just wanted to let some guy see what i struggle with my entire life i wa a disgrace i am not able to run like others to shitty reflex an ugly body a weak brain had a terrible social life that my entire life i dreamed about being noticed by the people smiling finding some people that can bear my voice what flow from my mouth but thats the long story i wanted to move out of my country to europe but i failed again just like i failed my entire life i am just a simple failure not successful at one simple thing i am just lost i am just late no where to go i have to leave the home i am losing my youth i don t remember laughing once for month i have nothing i am nothing it hurt so much watching your youth slipping away from your hand the only thing i have one and only now i want to end my life atleast it will al end i just want to escape i am just so weak i cant take it anymore i cant a weak sperm i wa not even able to compete in equal condition when were same age same class now i am just done it hurt so much i also have to leave the house stay with nothing again i cant take my abusive parent anymore i am also very ashamed that i waste their money too many people in worse condition were able to accomplish atleast simple task me who even i am i wish i just could move on think about something else but no even in that i am bad i am just a clown people remember me a someone hillarious i am planning to kill myself i cant take all that anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 332, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0028", "text": "been a stressful few week dealing with my college that overcharged me and now won t help me with getting the money back bank lost the check i asked the college if they could cancel the check and refund the money to my bank account but the lady who answered the phone at the college blamed me for not knowing what a check is and said that s my problem hence i had to keep calling the bank again and again w no answer to rectify the situation when they did pick up the bank blamed me for not notifying them that the check wa from the college i showed the bank the letter from my college in person so they should know the full situation and even told her to track the check number and amount but she said it couldn t be done but when i called the hotline they were able to do it idk why but this stressful situation ha made my anxiety skyrocket to an all time high i keep thinking someone will blow up at me and call me stupid i grew up with a father with an explosive temper who would curse you out for 0 minute for spilling water and wouldn t hesitate with getting physical i know this doesn t make sense but i feel like someone is going to blow up at me and i would be powerless to stop it i feel like everyone who i dealt with actually hate me and my heart won t stop beating so fast and i feel nauseated all the time i wa cry in bed last night because of how stressful this whole situation wa i know other people have been through worse and i m sorry for posting this but this anxiety and all the bad thought is really taking a toll on me please i really hope someone know how to deal with this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 330, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0029", "text": "i feel so tired so exhausted i sleep most of the day away and have no reason to get up thing are hard and my life is in a bad spot on one had i feel like i wan na let go and let the tear flow but on the other hand i just feel so empty and they don t even wan na come out i just sit here staring at the same spot in the wall with no drive to do anything anymore i m not sure the anti depressents are even helping me much anymore they re gon na run out soon anyways because of some bullshit with my insurance that s nice i just feel like i need to get out get some where far away and if i don t soon thing are gon na end badly i have nightmare about my emotional support animal dying still it s so hard to get over it my friend keep checking in on me because i m not active and say it s fine and i can vent but i feel i m letting them down i don t even drink to escape and feel like i can t anyways because an abusive drunk father i had got violent when he did and i m scared of ending up like him this is a vent post so i don t expect any reply out of it i just really needed to let this out and i obviously couldn t tell a therapist because i d just be put in a damn hospital and billed out of my as for it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 274, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0030", "text": "if you ve just been through something very stressful or a time of high anxiety be easy on yourself i know instinctually we expect to just bounce back immediately after said stressor is gone but high level of stress take a toll on both your mind and body it ll take some time to heal you might continue to feel stressed not a much a before but still be extra prone to anxiety trigger physically drained tense achey sour stomach nausea etc and before you freak out about how you feel think back to the basic before you jump to something scary did you eat enough today what did you eat did you drink enough water today how much sleep did you get this past week how sound wa that sleep did you have to take a different medication recently what s your posture been like any constant muscle tension have you socialized much recently have you gone outside recently think of these question not judgmentally but objectively sometimes it s hard to take perfect care of yourself it s not something to beat yourself up over say you re feeling really fatigued lately if you ve barely eaten anything and been getting poor sleep then it s not surprising at all that you d be tired that s on top of chronic anxiety which can cause unpleasant physical and mental symptom even when you re doing everything else right just because you feel crappy doesn t mean you have some scary life threatening disease it suck to feel like that but try not worry yourself over thing that at the moment are just fantasy granted if you feel like this all time like me i d recommend seeing a therapist and or psychiatrist maybe even going for a regular doctor visit if you haven t gone in a long time just to check in on thing basically what i m saying is don t scare yourself into a panic over your physical symptom but if you feel like they are interrupting your life it might be a good idea to seek help and there s nothing wrong with seeking help either if someone is having trouble seeing thing clearly they go to an optometrist for help this is the same thing for some reason or another our body brain isn t working how it should for u to lead a healthy life it s not our fault and it s not shameful to need help hope ya ll have a good week", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 433, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0031", "text": "i m year old live by myself and i m losing my marble i wa with a girl for two year up living together for until a week before my birthday when she dumped me cut me off and told me how horrible i am i ll admit i ve been controlling i had caught and been told about her having an affair with a coworker halfway through and still forgave her around new year she told me she is pregnant with my child i m pretty positive it s mine but now i m hoping it s not im off the deep end i think horrible thought all day a i mindlessly build door for 0 hour i imagine just ending it after work and how thing are going to be so much better when i do it im broke with bill i m court ordered therapy and today wa my 90 compliance order time now i get violated i don t want help i want to die i m just scared what s it s going to do to my fragile parent i m a psychopath i m adopted i don t even know who made me i wa never even supposed to be here i don t think anyone will read these but i need to say it somewhere and i dont want help i can t change my mind anymore i wasn t made for this bullshit i ll do more harm to others if i don t end myself before pray for my daughter pray for my parent i can t do this shit anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 276, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0032", "text": "i got my thing set up i ll run away and try to cut my wrist probably on some kind of train track or busy road to be certain i cant deal with life anymore i m just exhausted and i want my rest ik i tried to do it but i always bursted out in tear and eventually did not commit to it but it enough life keep throwing rock and i don t dodge them anymore i tried getting help and didn t get any i tried talking to ppl but got ignored i tried just going on but now i can t deal with it anymore i fucking y o and i always say it normal to be kinda depressed at this age but i don t believe it normal i don t get love and i probably don t deserve it just wan na leave this message for the ppl that know me you probably don t care bc i tried talking and you did nothing it not your fault i m just a coward and cant deal with it anymore so bye have a wonderful life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0033", "text": "hey friend i come asking question about workplace anxiety i m 9 and work retail i realize that this is a job with low stake and that whatever fear i have about making mistake are rather silly given the nature of the job however i ve worked myself up because i worked an event this evening and in my eye it wa just a series of unfortunate event first i show up early but still later than my coworker who i wa working with for the event he wa talking to our bos second i wa underdressed he looked so sharp granted i am 9 and he is almost a full decade older than me with the life experience to really comprehend dress code it wa rather unspecified and unclear so i m trying not to beat myself up too much about it i ran home super quickly and grabbed some nicer shoe and a jacket but it still wasn t great third my bos gave u her number to text or to call if we needed any help i texted her first and then she asked if i would call her because she wa on the road make sense but i feel i made a mistake texting her in the first place fourth fifth sixth and so on i worry that throughout the entire evening i wad screwing up and ended up losing the store a ton of money i m so upset about everything that happened and being liked by my bos that i wa cry and now i can t sleep please oh please i beg of y all how do i get over this it s making my day really difficult and i don t want this to follow me into the future when if i have a job much more demanding and serious if i mess up it s eating me up and i can t take it thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 332, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0034", "text": "im seriously so stuck i developed a horrible case of health anxiety and constantly think something is wrong with my brain or heart i ve been to the er twice now with everything coming back normal i feel bed ridden most day if im up and moving around for too long i feel extremely dizzy due to my tension headache i have high blood pressure and am on medication but i constantly think it s hurting my heart im only year old and i shouldn t be this concerned about my health i m so over feeling this way and every day get worse and worse i feel like i can t do anything but lay down i get sharp pain along my chest due to costochondritis and im always thinking it s the end my breathing is always fine and my heart never beat super rapidly so that make me feel better but the dizziness is unbearable i tried antidepressant and all they did wa make my anxiety worse and my heart beat abnormally fast anytime i stood up my doctor took me off of them and is more focused on my blood pressure im so scared of dying and i m so sick of feeling like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 214, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0035", "text": "last year when i wa i wrote a suicide note before attempting to suicide by overdose i tried to commit suicide because i wa a closeted gay atheist in a really conservative muslim country and family i tried to pray the gay away i endured listening to a lot of homophobia and unfair religious teaching and i couldn t take it anymore i wrote it in arabic translate i felt like my life is unlivable i felt like i wa living a lie i felt like a bomb that it is about to explode at any moment i felt lonely even though i wasn t alone i felt like there is something wrong with just my existence i felt like my happiness will be an unforgivable sin i felt like my truth is a secret that must be hidden this life is cruel and unfair the only place where i can find peace is my grave amp x 00b the overdose wa not enough to end my life i woke up in a hospital and it severely damaged my liver no one read my suicide note yet i am trying to stay alive and hold on to the last hope i have", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0036", "text": "everyday at some point i get this overwhelming urge to kill myself sometimes it when i wake up sometimes it when i fall asleep sometimes it in the middle of the day there is no rhyme or reason to the timing a year ago my best friend who i went to for encouragement and care killed himself and i think he killed himself because he couldnt handle my problem on top of his own i keep cutting myself and while i dont cut that deep it get deeper everytime i do it i feel like im a disappointment to my dad and grandma since i just lay around at the house instead of going to university it just so hard to convince myself to do anything a nothing is fun anymore i used to love playing game but now that is boring and lifeless my dad think i should just push through and maybe i should but it just feel so difficult i feel like im a terrible person who abuse others for emotional gain a i will often make request of others without reciprocating and will get mad and yell at others for doing thing that inconvenience me ive been trying to do better but everytime i seem to improve i come back worse than before i think the world and my family would be better of without me being a parasite i feel like killing myself will ultimately make the world a better place im sorry for the rambling text i probably sound stupid or crazy but i wanted to get my authentic thought out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 273, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0037", "text": "i ve been suicidal since th grade i ve never fit in any crowd and my mind subconsciously mirror people i m talking to because of trauma and now idk who tf i really am i don t remember 0 of my life even the bit and piece i remember are of abuse and trauma my mind is a terrible place and i can t escape it after fighting for year i m done i have no hope or fight left in me it suck cause i wa so close to have all i ever wanted a good research career someone who d love me a i am a fresh start in a new country but my parent fucked everything up they will never let me live my life peacefully and tbh i too don t really wan na fight anymore people always say i m strong but it s pathetic that i ve spent all my childhood teenage and adulthood trying and learning to be strong so i could withstand more abuse while others had fun had hobby learned new skill travelled loved and lived my strength just got me more scar and more trauma it s stupid really anyways all my life i fought for a way out now my dad just like that blocked it and i can t do much about it i m so furious at this world and my parent and everyone who bullied and abused me into killing myself they ve won a lot of time it s just another win for them and it ll give eternal freedom for me so i think no one got nothing to lose i m planning to kill myself after i made sure my death is gon na put all of my abusive family member into jail i m gon na collect evidence it might sound cruel but idgaf i just wanted to vent it out not seeking for advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 331, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0038", "text": "my mind is in such a negative space i m overstimulated but every noise and word someone in my family passed away my period amplifies every emotion i just can t do it anymore my negativity is like a cancer and i d rather not infect anyone with it i want to die daily but i can t although i fantasize about it a lot i cut myself instead in order to stay alive to numb myself from the insanity and madness inside of me i feel unheard i feel burdened by my own existence and i ve been made to feel so bothersome to others i don t know i don t have much hope i m not angry i m maybe sad mostly i m so depressed and misunderstood by everyone because at the end of the day no one care to listen to me they think they re listening but people only have a limited amount of time that they ll let you talk anyway nobody need to be my therapist i hope my life end soon because i am unable to deal with the turmoil inside of me i just can t do it anymore i m desperate i m sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0039", "text": "i used to joke that he doesn t remember what my name is but it s not funny anymore it actually kind of hurt we ve been together for year and he never call me by my name or even a pet name ever if he need me to come he doesn t shout from the other room babe jill love etc please come here he come to me and just say i need you to come for a sec i ve expressed my hurt several time he just say he feel way too awkward using name on people directly and us an excuse that his parent never use their name between them either not true i told him he should make an effort at least for me but he just stay silent and never doe i thought of dropping this subject at some point because i love him bu then i got super pissed off like i m not asking him to do a headstand every time i enter the room i just want him to call me something nice i am also a severely anxious person but i go to therapy and he doesn t want to any idea", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 203, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0040", "text": "hello if anyone listens that s okay but it s okay if not i just have to vent because i m so anxious and a little depressed i have anxiety and take medication for it recently i ve been getting interview for job that i am unsure about i m basically just applying to everything i will have a bachelor degree in education but i will not have a teaching license a i have decided i do not want to teach in a classroom student teaching wa not a good experience i have no idea what my purpose in life is i don t have much money but i used a lot of it to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring i love her more than anything i m just so terrified i ll be a failure and won t be able to support her i just want a decent paying job where my anxiety doesn t get in the way i ve gotten some offer but they are all sale position and i just don t want to work for a company that is essentially a revolving door my anxiety lately is crippling me i ate nothing yesterday today is a little better but i don t know what to do with myself i want to cry i m a year old male and i don t care i want to cry and i have i feel so far behind everyone else i just want to be a normal person i m worried my anxiety will cause me to lose everything i love in life my girlfriend is beyond supportive but i know my mental health ha had an impact on her a she is in nursing school idk why i came here i feel alone and isolated and have to vent i feel like i m dying inside im so great when my anxiety isn t there to screw it up it s like i m a shell of my self right now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 336, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0041", "text": "it s been a few month since i ve posted they ve medicated me but nothing ha changed i m still a worthless piece of shit no matter what i do i m the problem and no one will ever want me in their life i m never going to be good enough to have a real job or be anything more than a stupid customer service agent i went to college i have put in over 00 job application in the last week when i get an interview even company who contact me first ask me to apply when i arrive they say i m not a good fit it s because i m le than the same thing my mother saw when she gave birth and didn t want me is the same thing everyone else see that make me le than others i am not even worthy of being human i m just trash no pill or medicine will change that i wish i had the strength to self check out i don t tell my therapist bc it doesn t do any good they just want me to pay for more therapy that s supposed to train me to behave my insurance doesnt cover it so it s not even worth mentioning anymore i just wish i wa loved and had a life i felt like mattered i hate myself and the life i wake up too bc i m not good enough to have anything but sorrow", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0042", "text": "trigger warning for the last few week i ve been getting random burst of anxiety almost like a panic attack is about to come on when i m out for dinner with friend in work or sometimes even when i m alone i ve dealt with anxiety panic attack in the past and it went away for a while i can t pin point anything that s triggering it since i ve cut out caffeine etc it seems to come on when i become hyper aware of my own existence and that i m here on earth lol idk how else to explain it i have been drinking twice a week maybe this could be causing it i m not sure it s annoying because i m trying to share valuable time with people and this ha been getting in the way it s making me annoyed at myself and i m trying to not beat myself up over it i wa out for dinner earlier tonight with somebody i ve been dating and had to excuse myself to take a breather i explained to him when i came back that i felt a bit anxious and he wa super empathetic and explained it happens to him sometimes too doe anybody know any technique to counteract a panic attack i tried breathing exercise but i d be open to trying anything else if anyone ha any advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 241, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0043", "text": "i m a year old guy and i ve been struggling with this problem for quite some time year every time my girlfriend who i trust more than anyone in this world go to a party without me and she get high or drunk i have strong anxiety attack just thinking about it is making me shaking in fear and i can t understand why i like to get drunk and high too i find it funny to spend a night messing around i don t think it s that bad or that make you a bad person but when my emotion my inner fear kick in i completely lose my mind and i start to think that i don t want a partner that indulge in those kind of behavior a if i had this image of purity of her that get broken by the thought of her enjoying a joint something bad people do i don t understand it s like some cognitive dissonance for some background i used to be quite bullied back in high school by those who went out the night to get drunk or that smoke weed maybe that could have led me to associate those behavior that have nothing to do with the moral integrity of a person with a certain type of people could it be please let me know what you think and if you have similar experience i ll gladly read all your suggestion and comment thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0044", "text": "i m 9 male and autistic i have never had a relationship with anyone not even a date i had a few crush but i m too shy and socially awkward to act on them when girl try to flirt or hit on me i miss the sign because my brain doesn t work properly so i accidentaly reject them just to realize what i did a few hour later and get even sadder because i blew another chance i don t understand how i m supposed to find a romantic partner but i really want one i also don t think i would make a good partner my sex drive is high every slight mention of anything sex related give me a semi i really want to lose my virginity but the idea of being that intimate with another person is terrifying to me i would have to break so many social boundary to let anyone get so close to me and i wouldn t be comfortable breaking those boundary for another person either i stopped trying to talk about this with people close to me because no one understands i just wish i didn t have to deal with all these urge i ll never be able to fulfill i hate my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 219, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0045", "text": "hi all i guess i just needed to share how i m feeling for year i ve been battling anxiety on and off for year it s been health anxiety primarily heart i ve had so much testing done that show i have rare benign pvc i m healthy and what not that s great and all but this past week i called 9 and wa in the hospital twice i haven t had to call since 0 i will start seeing a therapist and psychiatrist a of this week time a week i ve tried a lot of medicine and never had luck i m now on mg of buspirone with a potential of 0mg depending on how i do i have ativan a needed for emergency medicine now too i m on day of buspirone i know thing take time but before this past week i thought i wa the best i ve been in year i m sitting here sobbing because i can t believe i m back to square i m scared of medicine so i cry a i take the buspirone but i m scared of not be okay too i just feel so lost and hurt i m i want to have a family of my own soon and i can t even see past all my fear and confusion i miss the old me i know my trigger but i don t know what s truly deeply causing this i m so sad i just want to be okay to be my happy self i wa having so many more good than bad day why am i so scared of medicine i am sorry to anyone who feel how i do or struggle i am here for you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 308, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0046", "text": "honestly i just need someone to talk to this ha been the worst month of my life im holding back tear just typing this because it feel like im getting closer to the end because i never ask for help i wa homeless for year with bed bug now i have a voucher so i live in a place now and im safe i just feel bad complaining abut this because it feel like i dont appreciate it and because ive been by myself my whole life it make everything so much harder because when thing go bad im on my own and im just tired of it i met this girl recently that we both practically fell in love with eachother instantly pale blonde brazillian girl she wa super sweet she might be bipolar to because this shit blew up in both our face within a span of a couple day also earlier this month a meth head tried to take my phone the bitch at the ssi building tried to 0 me then a dog bit me all in the same day but i wa chillin i recovered almost instantly but thing like family argument or the situation with this girl leave me feeling so upset for so long and dont get it im just tired of feeling sad i dont wan na feel like this anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 236, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0047", "text": "i just bought 0 paracetamol a 0ml bottle of vodka and some coke to balance it out i love my mom i feel like shit this happened like 0 0 0 but my crush at uni played me flirted and cuddled with me for two day only to fuck another girl right in front of my eye and after chasing him and being rejected i got bullied by our friendship group everyone cut me out and stopped talking to me he fell in love with me after i told him something private and made a playlist with song about me on his phone and i fell into a psychotic episode right in front of him i believed i could use telepathy to communicate with him i wa fully convinced he wa on heroin and took heroin for me because i d hear other thought inside of my own head i ve never loved anyone the way that i loved him and he s verbally told me to fuck off and that he doesn t want anything to do with me it kill me to know i ll never be with him when i could have university wa my last opportunity and the psychotic episode i had led to me fucking it all up i ended up dropping out and spent month in the psych ward and nothing will ever feel the same again i ll never have child or get married because i have asperger s so i fake my way through any and all conversation i lie and hide and smile but i don t have anything to say i just wanted to tell at least one person this i m going to kill myself and this is the end edit i ve taken half of the pill and i m not that drunk so i want to keep going edit had pill with coke and vodka before i felt like i needed to puke dry heaving and threw away the bottle and pill", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 352, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0048", "text": "i have rewritten this post a hundred time and i have lurked this page trying to build up the courage to write my own i don t even care if anyone read this but i need to just finally get it off my chest a i have no one to confide in due to my career if i get help for my mental health i am basically saying goodbye to everything i have been working towards but i can t take it anymore everyday i pretend to be the picture perfect person who only feel happiness i hide how i am truly feeling and it ha become so exhausting to just get out of bed everyday my whole life ha been filled with abandonment and people who have only used me for their own personal gain no one ha ever truly cared for me not even my so called family i have isolated myself from everyone around me to prevent any further pain in doing this i have isolated myself from feeling any emotion at all i ve tried working through my abandonment issue and began to let people in and trust more just for them to show me exactly why i cut everyone out to begin with i am always alone and i feel a though i am no longer living i am just here taking up space and air i have felt this way for long that i don t even know if i have any real emotion anymore i don t know what to do i just want to feel something again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 267, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0049", "text": "i m not interested in life there thing i d like to do but i have no money to experience them i dont have friend or any girl to share a relationship with life is bland i have a job interview tomorrow i ll probably get it now i ll have to show up and sell 0hrs of my life doing something i could care le about for some money i hate everything it s not enjoyable pandemic ruined everything a girl i started really liking doesn t want to see me anymore because i m not vaxed that one definitely hurt a bit she went cold on me please skip the anti pro vax debate i m over it amp i m not anti i dont like leaving the house or dealing with people i dont see any point in this thing called life it just drain me and i d like it to end it simply exhausting amp i get 0 enjoyment from it it feel like a sadistic game i just want it to end i wont hurt myself i dont think i will i dont know if i m depressed i either feel nothing or anger i envy people who are blissfully happy enjoying life i d give anything to have that i dont need everything to be great but i d at least like to not hate day to day life i dont have much left in me anymore i dont see the point in continuing playing this dumb game of collecting money for thing and meaningless relationship i want to be nothing", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 275, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0050", "text": "posting because this medication ha had an incredible impact for me in a very short time and i think that s worth sharing in case it can help anyone else who suffers from anxiety i wa prescribed propranolol 0mg xr per day a little over one week ago primarily for enhanced physiologic tremor my doctor did also suspect that it would help with some physical symptom of anxiety that i have including elevated hr general muscle tension flushing shortness of breath my anxiety had become so bad over the last year that i have essentially become unable to rock climb which wa previously my favorite activity and stress reliever due to extreme fear shaking freezing up and compulsive checking of equipment well i don t want to get too excited in case thing change a my body acclimates to the drug but so far it really feel like this medication ha changed my life i honestly am starting to feel like myself again in so many way the tension in my shoulder and muscle that ha just become standard for me in the day to day ha been released my tremor is significantly reduced i feel like a weight ha been lifted off of my body i have rock climbed a couple of time since i started the medication and the excessive fear response is all but eliminated no more shaking no more locking up it s pretty amazing i can t even begin to express how huge of a deal this is i wa not expecting this at all i had no idea that this med would have such a significant impact on my anxiety i expected a reduced tremor and hr but nothing more i know that this med ha no impact on the actual mental process but my symptom of anxiety have always been primarily physical it seems a though reducing the tension and heart rate and shaking ha allowed everything else to relax a well i am sure not everyone will have the same experience and who know it could change for me with time but for the time being this med ha been a game changer for me so far i have had no negative side effect not even low bp which i have always had issue with my regular bp is often 9 0 and this med doesn t appear to have changed that in any way despite reducing my hr", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 424, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0051", "text": "so i m just going to get this off my chest i m and in one evening in the beginning of november i went to go to sleep and felt like i couldn t breath i got up and wa sweating super fucking restless so it wa like a mini panic attack this panic attack ha marked the most torturous month of my life i wake up in the morning and the first feeling i have is a racing heart that anxious feeling in my chest shortness of breath and it last constantly until i have to take sleep aid to calm me down enough to sleep at night i don t understand why me i eat healthy i exercise and there is no family history of anxiety it suck because i m not anxious about anything in particular it s the feeling so i ve been sort of surviving on benzos not everyday probs a few time a week since then with lapse of about a week or so when i can t get any i just have been taking them to prevent the fucking anxiety starting i did have little time at the end of dec and around january feb for a week or two where i feel like it did go away but that might have been because i had benzos in my system and that s why i felt ok i ve been purposely cutting down my benzo use so last week i used on monday and didn t use until friday i felt severe anxiety all of those day but didn t crave the drug or have any withdrawal i only took them on friday because i just wanted a fucking rest it s so stressful to feel like this all the time i get so scared it s never going to go away i want to start an ssri but they take like week to work i can t wait that long sorry for the rant", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 340, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0052", "text": "i barely function and can t do basic thing due to how bad my anxiety is can get i berate and criticize myself for being such a pathetic worthless piece of shit i m almost live with my parent and have accomplished nothing i never passed the high school ged i have some minor learning difficulty but too embarrassed to get help i suffer from depression but i don t feel comfortable seeing a therapist and where i live there are few health care resource i don t own a driver license because being in and near car cause me to have panic attack i m terrified of being in a car accident or causing one so i have to avoid it and there isn t public transport near me but even if there wa i can t handle being around a crowd or in a small group in a limited space i m just a fucking wreck and feel so awkward and abnormal compared to most of the world i have no friend irl only a few online friend and haven t been completely honest with them and sometimes lie so they don t see how fucking pathetic i am i m ashamed of my existence and wish i wa never born i m just a burden the people around me don t understand and get frustrated with me i don t want to be this way but whenever i go out an inch from my comfort zone i have an anxiety attack", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 256, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0053", "text": "i ve made multiple post of this same topic a a way to seek help wherever i can i have no desire to be alive anymore everyday i wake up i think of way of taking my life because i have lost every single friend who wa ever important to me i am year old black non passing transwoman who decided to begin transitioning at i ve gotten to the point of getting my name changed but now i feel that it may have all been a mistake it s not that i feel like i m not trans anymore but that i can no longer take the pain and judgment of being trans i wa taking seven pill a day with hormone and had a huge increase in emotional irregularity anxiety and stress i embarrassed myself in several way to friend that i valued and after two month of reckless sex and drug abuse i found everyone around me pushing me away it s been six month since my last suicide attempt and everyday i wake in pain of missing my friend a i relive all the thing that happened i just want to end it all i want to try to repair the friendship but a large part of me feel thing may never be the same again i also want to just move on but the guilt i feel may live inside me forever i really don t know what to do at this point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 251, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0054", "text": "nobody will probably see this anyways nobody saw my last one i just wanted to vent my current thought so i can at least alleviate some form of pain that s going on internally at the moment ever since my ex left i ve had nobody to talk to i have no bond with anyone no friend or anything all i fricken do now is lay in bed all day go to work when it s time come back and go to sleep i don t live anymore then again what is living anyways if you have nobody to experience it with i just live a lonely existence and i m fricken tired of it i either want to be dead or just drugged up on pill so i can at least feel something beyond this emptiness inside i hate my fucking retarded existence anyways i wasn t meant to be born and i ve felt nothing but pain growing up what do i even have to feel happy about that i make decent money so fucking what money only buy me temporary happiness it isn t eternal i want to feel what true happiness feel like i m sick and tired of this life and i want to just be different or gone completely", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 220, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0055", "text": "i m feeling every day more drained not only i have to deal with a job i hate but also my anxiety doesn t make it any better i dread going to work it s like all day i m imagining how tiring it s gon na be the day after it s a vicious cycle i can t seem to get out of what s more troubling it s that i ve never could do anything meaningful with my life to improve my situation i don t have any remarkable skill or something that can allow me to find a better job i feel such a loser don t know how much i m gon na be able to resist this these past two year since the pandemic started also made matter worse i m depressed almost all the time i don t feel like going out meeting with friend going to the movie nothing it s like everything it s piling up on me a few month ago i took the step of starting to follow some online course to gain skill that allow me to find a better job but it feel like i m never gon na make it i have negative thought constantly which lead me to believe i m gon na fail my anxiety also doesn t allow me to find a therapist i had a bad experience in the past that left me kinda scarred in this regard and now just finding professional help feel like a daunting task i m so lost what would you do thanks for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 270, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0056", "text": "strange unusual sensation in the back of the head – occipital region it started a dizziness vertigo pressure in the head a feeling of movement in the head wave etc the problem gradually worsened and changed from occuring a few time a week to an every day all day duration that s the way it is right now i struggle with the feeling of pressure in the head between the brain and the skull the feeling of an empty head feeling of vacuum or air in the head feeling of fluid in the skull a if the brain is floating and rocking or swimming in fluid on most day i also get really bad burning pain all over my head the pain is located inside of the head it feel like someone is pouring acid or hot lava down my brain facial sinus and on the face there is often a feeling of movement in the head present and i sometimes have blurred vision lot of day i also experience a feeling of poor balance a feeling a if i m going to lose consciousness black spot and floater in the field of vision another really bothering thing is a feeling of electricity in the brain or a feeling similar to static on tv i also feel like i have my brain wrapped in some kind of a biofilm made from air cotton glass wool plus flu like symptom head neck muscle and bone pain feverish like feeling at least 0 day a month way worse before period tia", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 271, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0057", "text": "ppd amp work hi everyone i m month postpartum and for the past couple of month i ve been calling into work a lot i ve had depression anxiety for year but during my pregnancy it got wayyyy worse anyways i m grateful that my job hasn t said anything since i always have a sub i work at a high school a a paraprofessional but i just can t come around to wanting to be at work anymore i don t want to work i don t want anyone watching my baby i just want to be home with my baby i haven t been to work all week and want to call in tomorrow i cry at night with the thought of going into work i m trying to push to the end of the year so i can get paid thru summer then quit in the fall but i don t think i can even last these next month without missing so much work any advice what should i do my boyfriend tell me to push thru until the summer at least when we ll move into a cheaper home situation and he can be the sole provider but i m also about to get my income tax and i know that can compensate for my working wage until then i m just so lost idk what to do also i can t come around to taking my zoloft consistently because i feel like it won t help and there s no point i feel like i m just broken", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 273, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0058", "text": "hi i am an y o female and i struggle with social anxiety i am attending my last year of high school year and i ve been struggling attending school lately especially history class a i have a presentation that wa due week ago it s only in front of the teacher i ve had this teacher for maybe three year now but i hate presenting in front of him i had him in year and too in german but last year it got so bad i had to get help i even went down a grade because of my anxiety he s not a bad teacher or anything like that but he ha this habit of pointing and making u student talk even if we don t necessarily want or is able to which ha made me scared to attend his class i want to cry just thinking about it he also doesn t give any confirmation when we present something he just look disappointed and it doe not help at all he doe this even when we do a good job get good grade i m also not confident about this presentation and i have barely slept these past couple of week because i feel bad about not going to school i sit up wanting to try fix on it but i never end up doing it because i just feel like i can t it s really frustrating it is ruing my attendance and grade in other class too any advice i am in this horrible circle and i just can t seem to get out i almost don t even want to but i m scared i am going to fail history and i can not do it all over again it s too much", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 300, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0059", "text": "i study in university and started cause liked what i wa doing computer science but now i just plainly hate it and am tired between this my mental health and my family that keep on pressuring over study non stop litteraly even though i study it but i don t want to do this anymore i just feel pain and stress for it i try to feel normal and such with some passion like learning how to draw and sing and also streaming but my family will sure just slow me down and stress me more so i study more and more then will sure interrupt my therapy soon enough saying i either have been cured or cause no money for it but they will say i just got ta study more and more at the end nothing more just study and pain study study study study i can t fucking take it anymore i can t even hurt myself enough to get into an hospital cause my family will pressure me even more later over the lost hour or will pressure and force me to study even in hospital and can t even change cause it is the only thing i know how to do i though about voice acting since i liked that too but my mom just told me the truth that there are already too many voice actor out there so it s useless and i won t get a career most probably so i m stuck in c in pain and pressured while also having to help my family around continously and i can t even fucking vent to them or scream my pain cause they will order me to not scream and say that they will feel sick including my grandma cause of my screaming giving all fault to me and i can t take this anymore i just want to rest and cry but no i got ta be in class like rn and follow and study more and more non stop my only way out then is just killing myself at this point i have no more solution this is it i can only kill myself right now at this point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 372, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0060", "text": "i know it s a thing with visual perception a that s been a prominent part of my experience with derealisation but i ve just now made the smell connection there s a girl in front of me on this bus with a strong smelling hair product that s lingering all around and it s making me nauseous annoyed stop being so fragrant agitated like i wan na get off this bus badly it s so odd to me i m irrationally offput by a smell and actually it s a pleasant one but i m still repulsed and combined with all the other bus smell fabric staleness people etc it s so much worse the extent to which i m upset by this is ridiculous lol my own empty coffee cup is making me wan na spew can someone explain why this is happening and how i might ease or stop it there s no window that can be opened i know it might sound stupid but i m omw to meet a friend and this bus ride is taking it out of me and putting me on edge i don t want the evening ahead to be impeded by this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0061", "text": "i m tired of trying but sadly i m insistent or maybe i never actually tryed something im alone since ever i ve never had friend or someone special never dated anything the only relationship that wa all the time on my head wa the one with myself or maybe how much this relation wa needed and it feel the same about having a family i think of leaving them and start living for me and my own and only life for literally the first time im going to a therapist now it took me long and hurtful year to accomplish this im really proud of me for taking this step alone and even hyped kinda faithful but honestly i ll never recover around my family and that suck cause i don t have money yet and not even a job im not able to work thanks to depression my family pay my shit and make sure to remember me this every day that s my biggest shame but on the inside i know that i can t do that for me now but the feeling that i m a total waste of life will never fade away cause i never did it i never lived but i saw too much i have so many me on me that i don t know which one is the actual me i believe i m still a child year when my first trauma happened there s no memory from moment before or after this age only from my emotion and fear and it s scary af cause they re all fear of a little girl it s all the same cold not sure of anything but know a lot not alive enough to feel but feeling too much at the same time and i m the same girl alone scared and sad willing for help but with no one to ask besides me been living through other age and others version of myself every one with their personality and the y me me living the alternative story that in the end is probably another part of another time of my existence but i m lost on who or what i am i m still scared from the bad today the bad from inside that s the worst one growing in silence causing confusion and suffering turned myself into a monster to protect me but made me forever guilty for losing my own respect dangerous in all the scariest is that the real cunning and devious danger is inside i still wonder when i ll get home even though i have no idea of where or what home is or feel like", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 456, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0062", "text": "for the past week or so i ve been what i can best describe a lonely maybe even despondent i ve been trying to find way to keep myself from having that hole in my chest form again but it keep happening it s so familiar and safe yet it seems to make me feel like i ll forever be alone and dead every memory of my childhood ha been flooding my brain i want it to stop i hate reliving those memory my body feel like it s caked in slime no matter how many time i shower and try to scrub away the feeling of hand on me i can t get them off me i just want them to stop touching me i don t know why i m feeling this way either i saw my friend i ve actually been trying to take care of myself but this feeling keep coming back and pulling down to a bottomless pit of hell i really want to feel better again not like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0063", "text": "writing i made when i wa really unhinged and on the brink i m okay now but just thought i d share because i feel like it s okay writing no instruction or specific included it s mostly poetic and broad i think i m going to go for a drive a nice long drive not to clear my head but to say goodbye say goodbye to that lovely wind that touch my face a i push my hand out through the window and dance with the gust a it glide and surf through the earth breath say goodbye to the random song i used to love that turn on on the radio that i had forgotten from a time of pure bliss goodbye to the really pretty white cloud that are shaped so smoothly a it contrast the bright blue say goodbye to the nice feeling i get in my body a a smile slowly creep in my face by this time i plan to have my note already written out all sitting neatly folded in my pocket this is no time for emotional anguish or the opening of floodgate of all distraught that s already been done with the ink that lie on those paper all my pain all my misery they re all tucked away in my pocket gone from my body my leg my face my eye my throat my breath i feel free free of chain that brought my neck so bent over the ground that feel so grey free from all thing holy and unholy a sort of satisfaction for a coward dy a thousand death and i am no longer scared i m going to redacted park to hike one last time to say goodbye to that long river that flow across the center to the tall tree that shaded enough sun to keep you warm yet comfortable i think i will do it there somewhere i ve never felt any sadness it s been many year of pain so maybe the last thing i ll do on this earth is smile", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 354, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0064", "text": "i just can t take it i didn t even have serious trauma it wa my fault and still i can t get over it it s been three year i said i forgave him for forcing me to have sex so many time so many month so many thing i wa young i didn t know how sex should work i didn t even consider my voice mattered i m so sorry for my younger self i didn t help her and now everything is my fault i just will never be able to love someone again to have any sexual intimacy i miss who i wa romantic passionate innocent i m just starting to realize how everything i do is related to this how can i be so slow the nightmare the panic attack when i feel my voice isn t listened to how i keep getting drunk and letting some random dude fuck me because it give them pleasure if i start it maybe it mean i am in control if i have sex maybe it mean it wasn t such a big deal but i can t take it sober i have only had sex sober once and drunk way too many i hurt so much the day after i try to forget can t take it anymore i can t forget all these people touching me how much they enjoy it i did this myself i let them i wa never raped it s my fault i m this miserable i want to hate those guy i think i do but i let them some people consider they only lost their virginity the first time they actually wanted to have sex it s funny to think i can be a virgin after so many time no one need to read this i m sorry i just need to say it at least once i can never say it up to recently i didn t even believe anything had happened i know i don t deserve any sympathy after how i did this myself i don t need any just hear me out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 359, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0065", "text": "i finally started therapy last november because my social anxiety ha gotten too big to deal with and i feel stuck i thought it wa going well therapist understood my problem anxiety ha been my reality for year so i guess changing my mindset is a slow process and all that but a few week ago my mom told me i should try to talk with a few other therapist because she doesn t think i m not really making progress and she also doesn t like that my therapist ha suggested anxiety med and antidepressant which i m not on right now because it s like she s dismissing me she said this got me thinking that i truly don t know what the best path is because you trust your therapist you aren t the one who studied psychology so you assume she obviously know better so i thought i d try to ask people here who went to therapy and got rid of anxiety what should i expect i didn t expect my therapist to say a bunch of magic word and cure me but is it really anxiety is never going to go away you can just learn to handle it better just make yourself suffer by putting yourself in situation that cause you anxiety until you get used to it and take med to help if you want to because that s depressing i know i might sound whiny but having to make all the work myself make me lose all motivation and i just wan na off myself because i don t actually get used to stuff i ve taken the bus a million time in my life and yet i m still anxious every time i have to take it i feel like i can t win i thought that therapist would at least help a little bit because what am i paying her for telling me to accept that i can t control everything because risk is a part of life and to take a walk everyday because i could ve realized that by myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 355, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0066", "text": "he ha cheated on me in the past we are working on making thing smooth he is tryig to be open and transparent which previously he didnt do i can see the difference in him he know i m a very paranoid being and with my anxiety i do become impulsive just about thinking him being around girl i even asked him to not go but he said he is just going there for fun and not to be around girl if there wa something fishy i wouldn t have even said you about girl being there the cheating part ha left me being an over thinker and paranoid or controlling person i know i have to give some space in the relationship and try n trust him more but most of the time i act out of impulsiveness the intrusive thought of past thing he did keep running through my mind all day and when i have these flashback i feel this rage and fit of anger and i think i shouldn t be with him because of the hurt he caused i think to myself i wouldn t talk to him for sometime or so but i can t be away from him it s like i m betraying myself the person he cheated on me with is a family friend so there is a high chance i might meet this person if i go around in any of party involving my bfs family the thought if just make me go crazy i know my bf is also at fault i feel the anger towards him a well how do i handle this with maturity tl dr i wa cheated on by my bf we both are working on it we are looking at this relationship for a long term one so there isn t breaking up involved and that is not an option so we are trying to work on it but the person he cheated on me with is a family friend so there is a high chance i might meet this person if i go around in any of party involving my bfs family the thought if just make me go crazy i know my bf is also at fault i feel the anger towards him a well how do i handle this with maturity i have also become very impulsive and a paranoid person i regard to the relationship", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 411, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0067", "text": "hello i feel terrible i don t know where to start i feel very bad very anxious my stomach is a ball of nerve i feel so bad mentally that i feel sick physically everything is a challenge for me i live in a foreign country and i signed for a language class that started somehow not from the beginning and this literally felt so bad i really don t know how to explain how i feel and why i feel like this everything new scare me my mother died two year ago i can t sleep well my heart literally hurt from all the anxiety i have i don t know what to do with my life i m in a really bad place i don t have a job right now i m signed to an agency that sends me to different warehouse and i m booked now for month i don t have any special education i figured i should study something to make my life better i m year old the job i m doing right now is the reason i feel so terrible my anxiety come and go i feel it triggered my anxiety because it s in a new warehouse with new people and it s something i ve never done before my bos didn t tell me where i m going to do this job she literally told me the night before that i have to go to a new place from tomorrow she didn t explain absolutely anything for the job she just left u there without information and resource and i feel that s why my anxiety came back with full strength i wa hoping that even something bad is going to happen to me so i won t have to go to work something like a car crash something bad but not too bad my bos told me we could call her and ask her about the job but she didn t pick up her phone when we tried calling her she told u she may hire u after we do this job i think this add to the pressure the thing is i think most people would see this a an opportunity but it s a nightmare for me my husband and i are doing this job and he s not understanding or willing to help me i tell him how i feel but he s like you ll get better i don t think i ll get better i have this anxiety for so long now it come and go it s not getting better i don t know what to do with my life i think anyone in my circumstance would actually feel good and here s me feeling anxious desperate and just horrible i don t wan na stay in this country i wan na go somewhere else but i don t think that s going to solve my problem a my problem is not the place it s me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 504, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0068", "text": "i f 0 lb think i m having heart burn right now though i m not sure at around 00 today i suddenly started getting a weird chest pain it s not severe pain more like a mild dull stabbing pain that only last in certain position if i lay a certain way the chest pain will go away however i feel the pain a little bit in my left shoulder blade just for a few second i m worrying that i m having a heart attack i know that heart burn is associated with a burning sensation i wouldn t describe the pain a burning it s now 9 pm and i am still feeling this i tried to take a tum but tum are way too gross to me and i can t stomach them are there way to differentiate between a heart attack and heart burn anxiety is convincing me that i m having a heart issue even though i just got an echocardiogram done le than a week ago and it wa normal help please i would just be safe and go to the er but that cost so much money and i ve been to the er three time this year so far because of my health anxiety they re gon na end up banning me lol i should mention that i am on metoprolol currently for high heart rate due to severe anxiety if that mean anything", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 252, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0069", "text": "to preface i would like to apologize in advance for any posting informality this is my first reddit post i just graduated university in may of 0 and received a job at a global digital marketing agency agency life a a first job wa too emotionally taxing for my well being and gave me extremely bad performance anxiety i quit this job right before the start of 0 and have been looking for a job since i briefly had a job in february of 0 however a close friend of mine offed himself and i wa fired for taking time off to grieve due to this i started taking prozac and visiting a therapist once a week thing were going fine until i decided to drink on prozac one night and have a psychotic episode this episode caused me to get extremely aggressive towards my roommate for no reason i wa running down a list of accusation some true and some untrue however my girlfriend worried for the safety of my roommate decided to slap me in hope to end the episode terrible idea i know amp we have no history of domestic abuse this lead me into a meltdown where i called the cop trying to get her arrested for assault along with spewing false detail of thing that i wa hallucinating the cop soon realized i wa having an episode and luckily didn t press charge and talked me somewhat down from being aggressive once they left i packed up every item i own and drove hour to my family s house i don t remember anything until i wa almost finished packing my stuff i severely hurt my roommate and girlfriend i don t think about coming back because of how overwhelming the guilt will feel i m not sure what i should do and my brain is focusing on the permanent solution i guess the reason for this post is to ask for any advice or tip i didn t want to drone on regarding other incident so i ll leave a list below of what s happened in the past year cut off abusive parent experienced a few other meltdown due to work school stress lost a ton of friend due to self isolation took too many psychedelics which ha given me bad general anxiety wa arrested and impulsively moved halfway around the u before i wa ready to amp x 00b life for the past year ha gone continuously downhill for me i can t realistically see a way out of this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 445, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0070", "text": "i m currently trying to go no contact with narcissistic family it s so hard to do because i have younger sibling who i can t contact or help at all parent are using them a leverage against me i don t have their landline blocked because that s the only way my sibling can reach me if need be so once every few month i receive a call from my father love bombing me i feel like i m going crazy i have so much guilt disappointment anger and more i ve been trying all week to get into therapy but my insurance is being a po and every place that supposedly is in network turn out not to be the only thing keeping me going is knowing i need to be better to help my sibling and staying strong for my bf and his family they are all i have which kill me i have no family no substantial friend i feel so alone and like no one is willing to work with me to help i m trying to not get suicidal or self harm but i m on the verge of having a mental breakdown unless something give", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0071", "text": "i am not sure if this is the right place for it but last friday one of my classmate told me jokingly to jump out of a window i ve had it up to here so i said i d blow my head off my other teacher know i don t mean it most of the time but we had a new teacher during that lesson and i guess he took it seriously will come back to that later on the weekend i tried to hurt myself and went to the hospital on monday they prescribed me some lexapro and i went home relieved that i finally got some help half an hour after i returned home cop stormed my apartment saying they received a hint from the school that i wa gon na hurt myself and they searched my whole apartment for a gun which i don t have so they obv didn t find one they then took me to the same hospital i wa at just half an hour ago and i spoke to the psychiatrist there again who told the police i am not a threat to myself or someone else so they let me go again during that they took my phone and it ran out of battery and i didn t have access to it for like hour or more during that time two of my classmate messaged me asking why i blocked them and they attacked me not knowing my phone ran out of battery and that s why i didn t answer they then blocked me and i explained to them on instagram what happened and they read it but didn t care apparently the police said they would send a car to the school to talk to the headmaster but idk what came out of it i am guessing my new teacher reported it i am so scared of getting kicked out of school god damn i have an exam today and now i am unsure if i am allowed to go to school again today i am currently on my way to find out and i am on the verge of a panic attack because even if i am allowed my classmate will hate me and attack me and it will be super awkward idk what i tried to do with this post but i just needed to tell someone i am so anxious and hate myself for not shutting up for once thanks for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 426, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0072", "text": "i m a year old male and today is the last day to drop out of uni without paying for the semester i ve been trying to get this degree for a long time and i finally seemed to be on track until last year when my year relationship ended and i wa basically unable to function let alone study properly so now i ve still got full year left to complete and i just can t come to term with staying broke for that long at this age until i ve finished furthermore i m not medicated for my adhd because i couldn t deal with the side effect it s overwhelmingly frustrating and shameful because i know i m intelligent and it s an interesting degree the other thing is i ve basically told my friend and family that there s only year left for some absolutely dumb reason being at uni gave me at least something to tell people that i wa working towards now i m going to have to accept that i m a complete failure with a massive debt if anyone wa in a similar situation or ha advice i d love to hear about it peace", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0073", "text": "this is a really long rant but i just needed to get it out i feel like i m starting to become a better version of myself one that people like respect and want to be around and i just can t stop beating myself up for not being this version in college when i wa nearly suicidal and i lost some friend who kept abandoning me and affirming the horrible thought i wa already having last year one of my roommate lowkey bullied me and i started to believe i wa a terrible person and wa overthinking everything i ever said wrong especially when a couple other friend abandoned me at the same time over something they were upset i said which i think could have been resolved with communication but they didn t try but i talked to my other former roommate recently and she said that i wa fine that i didn t deserve any of it and she didn t know what i wa going through at the time a she said don t just turn the page close the fucking book and i started to feel like i wa getting closure about stuff so i thought i would text one of the other people who sort of broke up with me it s been a year i just apologized for how shit went down in the friend group without blaming her or anyone else and really poured my heart out about how dark my mental health wa at the time and i said she could apologize to the other girl who i believe blocked me if she wanted i know it wa a little selfish to unload like that but i made sure to say that i didn t expect anything of her and she didn t need to respond and she didn t reply but she did like my instagram post today i know they don t owe me anything and i swear i m not mad but i think part of me wa still holding on hope to some form of closure part of me hoped that they still cared that maybe they would care a little if they knew how dark it wa for me at the time i know that s selfish but damn the last few time we hung out were just me doing her favor and giving her ride before she broke up with me a a friend so to speak but no one cared a soon a i wasn t a fun friend they bounced at the first sign of conflict mental illness and again i m not mad i m not gon na harass anyone with text expectation but it really fucking suck to feel like i ve been going through this horrific and terrifying period just to discover that no one cared it wouldn t have mattered if they knew they just couldn t be bothered", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 493, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0074", "text": "hello stranger this is just a vent post so i ll try to be thorough if i m going to suffer on account of my own bad decision i might a well try to get some upvotes out of it he blocked me on his snapchat although i have thought about reaching out and trying to patch thing up via other texting apps i m pretty sure he s done with me i need to mention that we weren t technically dating and i ve only been together with him about a month you wan na know the best part i wa the one who actually hurt him i can t even claim to be the victim here every shitty emotion currently pinning me down is 00 deserved all because i wa having a bad day and decided to smother my emotion in the company of another dude it wa only a month nothing ha really changed in my life i m still 9 year old i m still going to college i m still not attending class and i m still just a shitty a i wa before someone asked me once where i wan na be in five year if i m lucky my the time i m twenty four i ll be long dead i ve been thinking about ending my life almost every day i don t really see a way out of this endless cycle of bad emotion i m just scared that i m too much of a coward to go through with it i guess i want to know if it get better i want someone to tell me that i m not too far gone and there s still hope for me even if i don t believe it myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 303, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0075", "text": "so i have bad anxiety and it s been over a year since i ve worked within this past week i ve gotten job interview one i went to but then after i left the place i wa so anxious i developed a migraine and i vomited in my car the second job interviewed i completely ignored and this third one this third interview which i have tomorrow is for a prep cook position but i m considering quitting that too my brain always find some reason to tell me to quit and when i ask for people advice on this job or that job the bad experience discourage me i wa looking forward to trying to be in the kitchen but people tell me it s not worth it it s 0 hour work week little pay and no benefit and plus i don t want to be a manager either i just want to do something for income that i actually kind of enjoy everyone ha something bad to say and that on top of my past horrible work experience i have zero confidence in myself or that any employee or employer i work for will be considerate and relatable and not a total asshole to work with i m a horrible waitress bc my anxiety make me forget order and sometimes forget about a table entirely yet do i want to be in a hot oily kitchen all day and be responsible for people meal it s a tough choice between misery and misery i m depressed about the 9 work week humanity ha created my goal is to grow and sell my own produce and i m a current gardener a it is and my major is agriculture any job for money seems like hell and miserable and i hate having to dedicate myself and my time to a dumb fuck slew of ceo and higher ups who only see you a a number will i ever get over this enough to get myself a job my god this is just miserable day in and day out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 358, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0076", "text": "i m about to be living in nyc and have never done anything worth wilde with my life and im sure im doomed to become one of those in the way people who don t do anything in their life which i feared most of my life nothing i seem to attempt to accomplish work out no matter how hard i work or how right i do it i gave so much time to job organization to further my career path only to used a free labor studying only to use up all my forgiveness credit and flunk out i ve been wanting to end it all for a while every time i sleep i see the bk bridge the spot i picked out year ago to end it i feel like i rather be gone than keep living with fact that i m a grown man that s not worth anything hell my mom ha told me that i haven t done anything for her to be proud me and i won t let my partner destroy herself trying to help me i wanted to be an engineer for nasa when i wa younger but here i am today the world shitist it guy that hasn t been able to find a secure job in the past year i ve been desperate for work for a while today i wa given a work assignment from my contract company only to be told i don t exist in the company so i can t work", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 260, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0077", "text": "i have no idea if this is anxiety but this is the reason why im asking lately i ve been extremely overthinking the most smallest thing and worrying about the most thing that i ve been overthinking about this happens throughout the day and disrupts my life it s even disrupting me whilst i m typing i worry and overthink thing that could cause health problem but the thing are sooo small i ve wasted so many food thinking this could be dangerous i know it sound stupid because i can barely even explain it it s taking a toll on me but i know that the other day when i got outside the house i wasn t thinking about it and i felt better but then when i got back to the house and started up again i just know i keep overthinking and worrying about the smallest thing health related i can t tell you the amount of time that i ve been back and forth to the doctor this year and last year worrying myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 184, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0078", "text": "one of my biggest fear is trying everything possible to turn my life around from grade to career career to myself then still come out being the same or still having the same hallow feeling i wan na take this next year to change my life around for the best i wan na look back and be happy with my life and what i ve accomplished i ve learned throughout the year that i really do want to be alive i just don t want to be me i wish i could change myself and who i am and where i came from but i can t so i would like to better myself do something to make myself proud i just don t want to waste even more time trying to fix myself then still be unhappy this fear probably came from my dad he s a ex heroin addict yet in his 0 he went from a crackhead to owning his own auto repair shop ha a beautiful yr old and amazing wife yet he still the most cold hearted asshole he still cant get more then a couple hr of sleep he s drunk every night he rarely speaks a word to me so from heroin addict to a shop owner yet still unhappy still suicidal still fighting after doing so fucking much is that really all there is to life constantly fighting to be happy without ever truly feeling it you may hide it or distract for awhile but it always come back and harder everytime till one day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 267, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0079", "text": "my boyfriend and i have been fighting so damn much it s driving me mad i love him but i can t go on like this he s narcissistic controlling go on power trip etc one time i told him about how i get thought to unalive myself fast forward maybe a couple month and he had the audacity to tell me why don t you just go k yourself like what he know my past my trauma i ve told him my trigger because of this it make it that much harder to open up about struggle my mental health for instance the other day i told him i miss how we used to text having actual convos interaction and he took it a i wa starting an argument which i told him i wasn t just wa saying how i felt well everyday after work last night it s been hell him starting argument he packed all my stuff in trash bag and wa going to kick me out over telling him my feeling but then say i don t communicate this is the same guy that i ve been with for a couple year he say i m pushing him away but he s pushing me away to the extent of even living i feel like i m going crazy and i know i m not please tell me i m not i m just tired we all know what tired mean", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0080", "text": "my friend who s always been like a motherly figure to me and i ve always looked up to her ha been mentally struggling for ever since i ve known her mental facility in where she life are actual hell she tried to off herself a couple of time but didn t this time i m afraid that she ll do it because she s getting worse every day and i feel so helpless because word can t touch her anymore and that s all i can do she said that she feel worthless and life doesn t have meaning to it and that she think no one want her in their life and she doesn t know right from wrong good from evil and reality from illusion she s tired and the only thing she can think of is doing herself justice by ending her life to shut the voice in her head it broke my heart reading what she said and i couldn t translate it all i want her to find peace i just want the best for her i wish i m more brave to show her how beautiful life can be but even i can t see it so is there a point in trying i wish i could do more i wish i wa helpful i wish i can show her that she s not alone in this and that i love her i hate myself for even thinking that it s the best thing for her because then she ll be free she can finally rest in peace even though it hurt but i don t want her to suffer more than she already ha i want her to reach the peace she s been looking for i feel so selfish if i tried to stop her what should i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 309, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0081", "text": "i went to the doctor for the first time in my life for my severe anxiety and a the title say this is what he prescribed me and also zoloft mg i m fine taking the zoloft probably need it but i just don t know how comfortable i am taking the metoprol just from what i ve read and people s experience on it and trying to get off of it my heart rate really go up in the shower and most thing i do but here lately i ve barely gotten out of bed for the past week and a half cause i m just so scared of having a heart attack i m it get so bad in the shower that i become dizzy and nauseous and usually have to lay down for a bit after one i think it all ha to do with my mental health and i just don t see the point of taking the risk of all that horrible stuff i ve heard about metoprol plus on top of it now that i know all those side effect and stuff like that they will never leave me head i just feel trapped and idk what to do trapped by my own mind and body im not sure if i m just horribly out of shape i barely move except for going to grocery store or doing the dish or laundry besides that i m on my bum on youtube or netflix ect so will just trying to move more and get past that heart attack fear be more beneficial than taking the metoprol or should i trust my doctor and take it for week until my next appointment i just don t know what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 313, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0082", "text": "hello anxiety nauts amp x 00b for context i currently work in a job that i m supposed to love but cause me huge anxiety mainly because of the people in the workplace and the city that i ve had to move to i applied for a role at a different place that would allow me to live back at home with my parent live in an area that i know well would be a better use of my talent is better paid and is still in the field that i wish to work in i had an interview with them last week which i felt that it went very well and they said that they d get back to me today at the latest if i wa accepted for the second round i have so far heard nothing at all amp x 00b while it would really hurt to not get this job it s really sending me haywire that i ve heard not even a peek out of the employer today i m trying to grapple with the urge to ask for confirmation from them for fear of sounding desperate or needy even though i am pretty desperate by now i realise that i made the mistake of pinning my hope on this job but i couldn t help it amp x 00b i surely can t be the only person to be in this situation amp x 00b sorry to ramble hope you re all in a much better place than i am right now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 272, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0083", "text": "okay i am on the line of alcoholism and it s tickling my nerve a bunch knowing that i crave a drink and i feel the need to turn to alcohol to make myself seem whole here s my little run down im battling with depression a little suicidal anxiety and we a little lonely that s why im on reddit im sick of feeling like shit everyday all the insane irrational thought that go through my head once im on a certain bothering thought i get stuck on it for a while till i cave to drink so my idea to combat it is to start organizing my life more financially at home my priority my hobby all in all im aware that the whole you have to learn to love yourself theme is a big thing for people like me but at the moment i am just thinking of distracting myself with work school hobby people what if it s not enough my thought may start traveling again when i am doing those thing how do i combat those thought it s like i go in circle with question to an answer then question after answer it s mentally exhausting and it physically hurt at time i want to learn how to fight internal how doe one do that", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 223, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0084", "text": "last sunday my husband we ve been together year and have a child together admitted to me that he wa talking to his co worker he slept with her thursday after lying about going to work he tell me he doesn t want to leave but he doesn t know what he want anymore friday he admitted he ha cheated on me other time in the past and yesterday on my birthday i found out of those people wa my own sister when i took her in after her husband had been cheating on her i am so heartbroken for myself and my son and all i can think about is ending it all i trusted this man implicitly and never even thought he would cheat there were never any sign at all all i can think about now is ending it once and for all i ve lost my husband and my sister and i really don t have much left i am so far down the spiral i don t think i will ever be able to claw my way back up i don t even know why i am writing this just needed it off my chest", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0085", "text": "i m dealing with debt wasted year of my university getting awful grade i disappoint my family left and right i have no confidence in myself and i hate my body i wa low key molested by my best friend when he wa drunk my childhood dog had to be put down after i took care of her for month prior and i feel like it my fault tht i could ve done something better or idk i find solace in anime but even that is starting feel dull i thought i knew what i wanted to do with my life and career but i m so lost i dont know what to do and at this point i feel like ive ruined my life beyond repair i know im and most people just say that im young and i just have too dust everything off and it ll be fine but it not it never is and ive been in this loop of depression since i wa i think about taking my life and then think about how selfish it is to my friend family and little sister i can t do that to her and yet i still think about i i m so lost", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0086", "text": "ever since my girlfriend moved 0 minute away to college i find myself worrying that she s in danger or dead when i don t hear from her for a while i m still a senior in highschool during the day i m usually not worried about her safety but at night if i don t hear from her by the time i m going to bed at like 0 pm i start to agonize and worry that she s dead she doe taekwondo every evening until or 9 and then take a 0 minute trip from the dojo back to her dorm and if i don t hear from her by the time i go to bed i start to lose sleep over my anxiety this happens any time i have a reason to expect to hear from her and i don t she assures me that the school campus is safe and i have nothing to worry about she s also a very safe driver and she s tall and athletic and therefore probably difficult to kidnap but i hate to think about that i could ask her to check in with me more or to check in at certain time but i feel strongly against being overbearing or controlling and i don t want to cross her boundary i think it annoys her a little bit already how much i worry about her and how i panic if i don t hear from her but she also try to reassure me the best she can i can t seem to ever fight my anxiety with logic i only feel better after hearing from her i don t feel this way when i m with her and i didn t even feel this way when we lived in the same town but in different house any advice on how to stop worrying so much about her safety", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 331, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0087", "text": "my lifestyle and world view for sure seem like a depressed person no motivation almost everything i do is anxiety driven privately my life is a mess and who doesn t feel like we re all screwed nowadays however i usually feel happy or content at any given moment i kinda just don t think about the problem and vibe i m usually having a pretty decent time i m not often sad or cry thinking about the future is upsetting and overwhelming but i try not to i keep getting diagnosed with depression i can kinda see it but usually when i see depression represented it s either with sadness or with no feeling and talk like not enjoying music or anything i still enjoy stuff though is this a thing do others feel this way edit i started lexapro today and went searching for ppl to relate to but i feel kinda alienated from others who are depressed i feel like bringing my energy to other depressed folk would just make them feel worse about feeling bad", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0088", "text": "my entire body hurt i m so weak it took me minute to finally pick up my phone from my nightstand and type this i can t get myself to eat i m starving if the bathroom wasn t right next to me i d be having issue i m supposed to be doing school i can t even think about it right now i sleep hour a day and spend the rest of it wishing i could sleep more i feel like i m captive in my own bed i look disgusting i wish i could just die in my sleep i feel so much pain this is what hell must feel like my parent can t afford to institutionalize me therapy doesn t help my life ha no structure if suicide doesn t kill me then i ll die of dehydration or malnutrition i m stuck here and left to rot i need help my situation is dire but what do i even do at this point honestly i ll just kill myself and i ll no longer be a burden to my family", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 189, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0089", "text": "i feel it coming on hard and it s just too much i m not even full spiral i wa doing so good for so long i hate how easy it sound to end it because fuck wouldn t it just be i m just screaming into the void again i feel like quarantining when i m like this because well meaning friend will tell me they love me and it s not worth it and to push forward and they re on my side and i know it doesn t make me feel any different about myself and maybe they do too but it s so damn tiresome i hate myself and i don t think i ll ever stop i m tired of stressing them out or bringing them down by existing the cool thing about being dead is people will almost always remember the good thing about you and maybe they ll talk about how you struggled but it ll sound romantic and not nearly a disgusting a it actually feel why doe it have to be so attractive objectively speaking there s nothing sexy about about coming across the news in whatever form that a loved one ha ended their life but here i am fantasizing about how i ll just stop being and i ll be just that more loved without having to do anything but die no guilt no pressure just nothing i guess technically people will have to deal with my remains they ll have to raise money to have something done with me because i definitely don t have anything in place to make it easier i m just so fucking tired", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 284, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0090", "text": "and i feel nothing nothing at all i almost flunked out of college twice and here i am with straight a s last quarter and i m slated for a similar gpa this quarter and yet i don t feel a thing about it everyone is telling me how proud i should be i went from a high school slacker to the one looking into med school to the family fuck up and now the one doing ok all within a few year fuck i should be proud and yet i literally do not give a shit all i feel is apathy i m just so fucking tired i feel like i m just going through the motion not sure what i m looking for with this post i just had to tell someone that i lack the capacity to care my parent and partner were so happy when i told them the grade i don t have the heart to tell them i don t really feel anything about it doe anyone else just not care about achievement anymore it d feel nice to know i m not the only one", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0091", "text": "went in for problem i won t disclose had blood drawn and they had it sent in my symptom just keep getting worse and it s making me fear getting the dreaded cancer call back i m making it worse for myself by googling symptom after symptom illness after illness treatment after treatment and it s filling me with more dread i can t stop shaking i can t sleep i don t know what to do this is the worst attack i ve had in a long time and all i want is to go back day to before my symptom appeared so i can feel normal again and not have to fear the worst i don t know what else to say i m just so scared of what might be and i m just psyching myself out and making it worse i wouldn t be surprised if my symptom are getting worse because of the anxiety i want my doctor to see me on the weekend and i want to be comforted i don t want to die i don t want to go through treatment i m afraid of medication i m just so fucking scared right now and i just want it all to calm down i m afraid to call people i m afraid to wake up family but i don t know where to go or what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 239, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0092", "text": "hi everyone in the past few year that i have been living alone a a student i noticed myself falling into period of time where i would not leave the house alone it s not a if i don t enjoy going outside i live in vancouver and there are some truly beautiful day here where the sunlight make this city breathtaking my issue isn t a fear of going outside it s more of a fear of the people i ll encounter and how they may judge me i ve always struggled with depression and low self esteem i ve always felt nervous about other people looking at me i avoid leaving the house alone unless it s necessary and when i do it s usually at night i ve even had point in the past where i ve drunk alcohol to make myself feel le nervous about leaving the apartment for grocery i usually don t make eye contact when i m alone outside and keep my eye focused ahead or on the ground why do other people scare me so much when i m on my own i can leave if i m with friend but on my own i always get nervous and procrastinate until nighttime when fewer people are out i think i just feel safer inside because other people aren t there to see me or place judgment i m fortunate enough that my current bos allows me to work from home so unless i need to leave the house i usually won t i even try to get most of my grocery via amazon so i can minimize the chance of going outside i feel like i want to hide in here and not think about anything i don t even want to look at myself i wa wondering if there are other people who feel this way too is there a name for what i m experiencing am i just lazy i just want to know how to feel better", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 340, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0093", "text": "hi about an hour ago i opened my bearded dragon enclosure and picked him up to find him dead im so distraught and i feel like such a terrible person he wa about year old i ve had him since i wa and i m now he wa year old when i got him in the last month or so my mental health ha been very bad and i ve been working day a week and not had time to care for him at all this is my fault and i m so upset he wa counting on me to take care of him and i couldn t i m so disturbed by the way he looked when i picked him up his eye were black and sunken in and he wa completely limp i don t think i m ever going to forgive myself for this i just feel like the most awful human being alive i m going to miss him so much he wa really special to me even though i ve been unintentionally neglectful there s so much i could have done i just don t know what to do i feel so evil ha anyone else lost a pet", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0094", "text": "i am so unsatisfied with life no aspect of life is of any enjoyment to me the thought of getting a job working 9 every day of the week sleeping on the weekend because i m too tired slowly building up money to maybe have a vacation once a year for only a week and then going back into the grind continuing this a my body break down with age and eventually dying with nothing in my hand just sound like actual hell i have a girlfriend who want to marry me and have kid but i genuinely don t believe that i could give my kid or her a good life i doubt i could support a family financially because i have no money and can t afford a good education past high school i doubt i would be able to be a good father due to having to come home from a grind at work everyday too tired to play with them or properly parent and too tired on the weekend to do either why can t life be different i have no plan of suicide but holy fuck this world make me want to", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 199, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0095", "text": "i m year old turning soon in a few month i live in constant dread i have no passion no goal no special achievement in my life and never been in a relationship i don t know what i want nor what i m doing in this so called life everything just feel exhausting i cry myself to sleep everyday i also feel extremely disconnected from others i don t fit in even though i try the hardest to be a decent human being i try to treat others with kindness and respect be a good listener help people when they need my help work hard exercise on daily basis take a good care of my appearance but no matter how hard i try to present myself at best i still feel i don t fit in i still feel empty unworthy and unwanted i want to do something that i could be proud of but no matter what i do i still never feel i m good enough even for myself i crave for meaningful connection i want to have someone to share and spend my day with laugh with cry with share my handmade gift with just to see smile on their face someone that feel like home because i ve been feeling homeless all this time i want to feel loved cared for and wanted for once but it s like it s just this idea of meaningful connection that i have in my head i can even barely hold a conversation whenever i try to talk to someone i feel extremely drained i m stuck in this rabbit hole between feeling extremely lonely and not having energy to talk at the same time i don t know i just feel like i m a failure human being and want to completely disappear thanks for reading my long rant i don t have anywhere else to get my mind off", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 324, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0096", "text": "in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to kill myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 505, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0097", "text": "over the past couple month i have been suffering a lot with my anxiety i am in an environment where i am surrounded by people who dont care for me are blantantly rude and fake and pressure me beyond belief i am exhausted and want to be happy i m not saying for a second that i am perfect and nice all the time im a know it all socially awkward lack of an ability to stand up for myself but i miss being around the few people that love me and share my interest while i am around bad people i am in a place where i am in a place surrounded by thing i love i cant miss out on this i need to grow and be more confident i can live an adventurous life alone i dont need company i dont need a boyfriend and i don t need friend with me all the time i have been taking leap and going to museum and social public setting all by myself ivd been taking it slow and going to one place everyday or every other day i allow myself to lay in bed after and sleep i am so unbelieveably anxiois and distressed when i am out doing these thing but i am seeing thing i truly love i am experiemcing life i am going on an oit of city trip for a few day soon and i am excited to push my limit a i lay im bed stressed in pain and sleep deprived i am still pushing myself in the morning to go on another adventure by myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 284, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0098", "text": "when you can t work and feel like a shadow of a character you put on for other people when you feel like such a burden to people you love almost like you are taking advantage of them because you need their help i got help but i still feel the effect of this depression medication doesn t seem to help the overall feeling that i feel is a lie i want to kill my self at least the identity that i am a strong man i m young i ve accomplished more than my father did at my age however i am still under his roof failure to launch and failure to exercise work life balance living with what i see to be bipolar disorder and the effect it ha on my and other people life holding on to the idea i have that to commit suicide would be murder in the eye of god because i am a slave of his i gave up my life because jesus gave up his struggling to understand or at least accept my sinful nature and reject it at the same time struggling with the idea that perhaps i m trans perhaps i m gay perhaps i m yes that s ok looking at myself gain weight because of my own lack of self control with eating going from the most disciplined with cutting weight for a pro fight going from 0lbs to lb in le than month getting fairly close to the former in i feel sick i feel worthless impotent the exact opposite of what i felt month ago i wan na be well for other people sake i wan na be taken advantage of in the future a work horse for someone a husband a friend an artist just not a crazy one but what can i do i didn t choose to be mad i just am i want to overdose so far i do so with caffeine and nicotine had i been able to get myself to drink alcohol i d use that however i hate hangover i think once i wake up in limbo i ll still feel it doing everything i can to lock myself in the house and not jump off a bridge head first onto the highway running out of video to watch on youtube running out of idea for making music feeling alone feeling a buzz from my med a i type this feeling god looking at me over my shoulder the devil over the other i want to be ripped in two the life i want is living a duel life one for jesus the other with satan queer perhaps my favorite word lately i identify a that queer", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 466, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0099", "text": "nothing about this life is good school is shit i quit weed witch wa a dumbass idea everyone in my school suck most of the teacher suck i can t make or maintain friendship my family suck as nothing is good there is no light at the end of the tunnel i ve been waiting for the light my whole life and nothing ha happened all i ll ever be in life is at the bottom forced to live in misery the world is falling apart because precious generation are stupid a shit so even if i do have a future the world will be flooded and on fire there nothing to look forward to i live everyday on auto pilot so why even life anymore if people want me to live then i wouldn t get treated like shit by everyone around me and i wouldn t get treated like a number by my awful school it doesn t matter how many resource they give because they don t care if your not at the top then your just useless to them your just a number", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 188, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0100", "text": "so many thing from my childhood i haven t gotten over because i never addressed them and i ve just been so emotional i don t really have anyone to talk to or turn to and time like these i wish i could just have a hug and know that i am loved by someone my anxiety is getting unbearable and the ocd is getting worse i am an adult now but my mind still doesn t feel developed i think i had a lot of comprehension issue when i wa a child and they never got resolved so now i m an adult and i can t understand simple thing because i overthink or i can t focus on what s being said it s caused me a lot of frustration i just started a a cashier today and my anxiety wa through the roof i don t get thing fast like everyone else it s like some part of my brain are active and the other part are just dead or foggy that s how i ve felt my whole life and looking back at how i handled school work it wa so obvious i probably had adhd or something but in my family it wa looked at a bad to be anything besides normal so i could play my disability off well and just pretend but because of that it s catching up to me in my adult life i really just want to vent to someone because i honestly have no one to talk to i don t even know if this is the right thread but i just have no one", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 280, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0101", "text": "i ve been trying to find a day best to off myself i wa being cautious of my family s birthday and holiday and my birthday seems to fit perfectly in the timeline a to not ruin their coming day i just don t see the point in life honestly what is the point in living i m too depressed to practise to go to lesson to take care of myself to do anything and even if i wasn t too depressed to do these thigs what is the fucking point do you know how humiliating it is when people see potential in you but you re too fucking depressed to try it make me even more depressed knowing im a wasted potential look at me now gloating about this shit this is why i hate myself honestly my birthday is the worst day of the year for me i absolutely despise it but knowing i can plan my death for my birthday is indescribably peaceful i hate how even the thing i used to enjoy doing are a chore everything is just a fucking chore typing this is a fucking chore i hate the fact that the one person who wa preventing me can t even give me doubt now depression just build onto itself it build and tower and then it fucking collapse on you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0102", "text": "i ve decided to mourn my break up of year together that happened week ago last night i dropped all my hope and faith she d come back to me we both were evil to each other definitely not ready for one another we did love each other like no one else we both were each other s first love and then my heart my soul feel like some nasty hand came to my soul ripped apart half of my heart watched me die on the street alone and giggled at me i don t want this amount of pain it almost led me to act on you know what last night i ve ruined every decision i ve made in life i don t want to ruin more tomorrow is not promised then i want to change my personality since i never made friend with who i am i want to i just want to change 0 degree of who i am today but this pain it s killing me how do i get over this pain a quickly a possible i ve no friend to speak to about it i m alone here and dying to just have someone in a similar experience and help me with it irl friend i haven t had in so many year and being at home is killing me too for so many year but i want to change it all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 242, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0103", "text": "tagged nsfw tw mention of suicidal ideation and suicide attempt the idea of suicide is comforting it is all that i ve known the idea of ending the constant misery i feel is weirdly enough the only thing stopping me from doing it besides a select number of friend a it truly is comfortable to me to be sitting in the cesspool of apathy and hatred for myself i feel every day usually when i m depressed i feel the apathy and it slowly just turn to numbness but something is different this time around do you ever feel almost the thrill of suicide or rather do you ever almost feel excitement when you re done grieving what your life could would have been lately i ve felt at peace over my self grieving and i do not like that a i have been desperately trying to stay afloat and the tiny push i would usually give myself to ground myself is gone i ve only ever felt this rush when i attempted and the aftermath destroys me every single time this feeling is almost like some time of euphoric high that i cant stop chasing i hate my life and i hate feeling like this but aren t some people meant to be dished the worst card to balance out nature", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0104", "text": "reason i m on the edge job search i m completely unemployable i lucked out and have had three real job since graduating college but i learned nothing from them i m now in my early 0 with no applicable job skill for today s market and keep getting rejection letter toxic shithead bos i put a lot of blame on this fucker he treat me like absolute shit and actively work against any career growth he ha huge anger issue a well so i m constantly walking on eggshell gossipy toxic coworkers they spread rumor about me that were untrue and constantly talk about people behind their back if we weren t remote right now and i had to be around them i d go insane so many of my workplace have been filled with these kind of fucker can t they mind their own goddamn business and just do their work humanity s fucked i ve been close with my family for a long time now but recently my parent have gone really far right i lean left and just hate a lot of their double standard my parent take that a an opportunity to take any anger out about the current state of the world on me at work and at home there is no source of relief i have no friend nobody give a shit i dream about using some of the money i ve earned up blowing it on thing i ve always wanted to do then buying a gun and shooting myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 269, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0105", "text": "someone i thought loved me my ex fianc of six year just told me i should go kill myself oh and just a few week ago he said i should go hang myself so i guess i can just go do it now clearly everyone in my life will be better off if i just end it all now i finally got confirmation of that oh do it on your birthday so you can go out the same day you came in april 9th is my birthday so i guess it s happening he cheated on me on my birthday last year anyways and knocked that girl up so i guess it s time now i should start preparing and i ve been trying to get rid of all my stuff and give it to friend or donate it anyways my camera are going to my best friend my video game and console can go to my nephew i have another niece or nephew on the way that i won t get to meet but it s ok i guess it s better that way i am giving my clothes to domestic violence shelter and a couple friend i m going to give all my art supply to my best friend too i have ton of unopened canvas and paint i m going to give my book to the library in my hometown i ve got a little over a month i think i can do it then i have a surgery i fought for for over year on the th but there s really no point in doing it now i guess i ll just call them and tell them i back up give my spot to someone who need it my sister ha her gender reveal on the th so i guess that will be my goodbye they won t even know it but i will tell them i love them a lot and in my note i ve written page upon page of apology for being a failure of a daughter and sister hopefully they forgive me i had a long note for my ex fianc but i m not giving one anymore he s far away and my family hate him so there s no guarantee he d get it even if i wanted to i have been wanting to die for year since i wa little i first broke a mirror and cut myself at the age of fucking i ve had nearly ten different attempt i think it s finally time i don t want to live anymore and i finally got permission by someone who claimed to love me that i should just do it so in a way it wa a huge gift from him to say that i am thankful for it it gave me peace i can just do it now and be done with it so honestly awesome i m so relieved", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 498, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0106", "text": "hello friend i had a very rough night my period is in a day and during my pm i always have more anxiety and emotion than usual right now though i am going through a relapse of my gad and pa last night wa one of the most challenging night of my anxiety day i literally felt like the entire night wa a big long not ending panic attack session i had moment where i had the full blown panic attack but in between the anxiety wa constant in and out of sleep i wa a mess i wa convinced that this time i lost my mind i need to call an ambulance and put in a mental health hospital it wa too much absolutely out of hand and now i am exhausted anxious dp dr is here and hoping it will all get better once i get my period i am on therapy 0mg sertraline and trying to meditate but last night wa hard something i haven t experienced before and i am feeling so defeated and scared that this is it that s how i ll lost my mind", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 198, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0107", "text": "i have irrational fear of a home invasion being attacked by a stranger for context even thing like elderly woman with cane walking behind me sends me into panic mode me and my fianc just bought our first home together after renting for year instead of me being able to rest after a long day of moving i am instead laying awake because the house is settling every 0 second and i keep thinking it s an intruder coming to kill me this ha been going on for two hour my heart keep pounding out of my chest randomly and i keep getting so frozen with fear that i hold my breath my mind is working overtime playing escape plan confrontation scenario on repeat so i can t relax this is so fucking irrational i hate it i ve been this way a long a i can remember but ugh i know why house creek i also know this home is older which is something i love about it during the day but i can not seem to think logically about this every pop creek and bang is sending me into panic mode and i don t have any remedy i m sick of being constantly on alert for no reason this is an extremely safe neighborhood and i should not need to be this worried over nothing some night are better than others but why do i even have to go through this at all i apologize for the rant but i am so exhausted and i just want to sleep but i keep getting snapped awake", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 272, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0108", "text": "i m been feeling useless my anxiety increase everyday i overthink so much i am overwhelmed almost every day no enjoyment in small thing always accepting what is not good or best for me i ve lost interest in doing anything i m such an obstacle to every person around me i want to die badly i want a their life without me i want them to forget me so much that they don t know me i want to push people away i ve only been burdening them i want to give my life to someone who still want to live i ve been feeling like this since highschool this actually begin since i wa a child i wa never afraid to die it only became much worst since year ago i ve seen many death elder and young one two of my elementary classmate die at early age that i want to trade my life badly but i am lucky that i have not been feeling regret ever since childhood i m such a complicated person please don t try to understand me only after reading this post like i said i m such a complicated person i m only writing this stuff because i want to but what give people don t actually understand this kind of mindset it s not like they care i really want to disappear i really want to die just this one simple request that can never be given to me i guess i just have to make it happen", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 262, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0109", "text": "i m m turning in december and i can t help but feel like my time is quickly running out i ve never been so emotionally distant from my family a i ve had this year and it feel like i m a disappointment to everyone who ha actually cared about me at some point i actually had a sort of future ahead of me but it blew up in my fucking face when i had decided to write a joke essay to the high school i wanted to go to after my mom wouldn t even allow me to go if i wa even accepted the worst part is she doesn t even admit to doing that i don t know what to do anymore i ve always had the feeling of wanting to blow my fucking brain out but i ve never felt it a strong a this why is it that when it come to mental issue for men we are throughly ignored why are you upset why are you depressed you don t have a reason to be depressed you should talk to someone but who is actually listening i m sorry for anyone who actually read this but i ve been in such a terrible mindset the past odd hour i really just need guidance it feel awful to think that inevitably all my family will be gone and i ll be the only one to fend for myself in just a handful of year and somehow in any social circumstance i always end up being the butt end of the joke i don t want to keep doing this for 0 0 something year someone please talk me out of this state if it s even possible to those who read this entire thing i hope you re in a better state than i am", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 314, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0110", "text": "i havent left my house in week i quit my job i spend a good of my day cry i dont know what s happening to me my skin took a complete 0 this year and destroyed any little self confidence i had left ha anyone else felt like this before all i can think about is my skin it taking up my life not only is it unbearable to look at it s painful and itchy and i can not afford a dermatologist looking at myself in the mirror always result in a full blown panic attack i end up hyperventilating on the floor i have cried to the point of vomiting many time i hate that it ha this power over me it s such a silly thing to worry about and i know that but it is absolutely destroying me it is a continuous cycle this constant stress only result in more breakout i feel trapped in my own skin talking about this in real life make me sound vain i wish someone would understand the cry seems to never stop and i havent slept in day now edit this wa not a suggestion for skincare tip for me it is not a simple a diet or hydration it is genetics and hormonal unfortunately", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 226, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0111", "text": "i m not sure if i have anxiety or adhd or im just introverted and procrastinating lol i started biting my nail since i wa a kid i tried hard to get rid of this habit but it not something i can control i put on nail polish usually but once it fall ill start biting them or fixing them with nail clipper a little bit of unsmoothness on my nail will bother me a lot and ill just sit there and keep fixing it for hour straight instead of doing any work literally every 0 min i would find somewhere bothering me on my nail i also overthink a lot it might be influenced by my mom who kept telling me that others might think negatively about me bc of any barely noticeable detail about what i do how i look so now i will just replay some scenario in my head hundred of time feel bad about myself and had to take deep breath say to myself it ok out loud or make some sudden noise to make my mind jump out of that vicious loop recently i feel that my attention span is getting even shorter i will sit down for work and get distracted after min and start watching youtube video for hour i notice myself doing that and i would think maybe i should go back to work but the other part of my mind is like numb and fail to take any action to the point that im only able to focus for a long time under pressure like a day before meeting or exam idk if it is just bad work ethic procrastination introversion or i should get a check up for anxiety adhd like i heard other ppl relate to me on point amp so idk if it just some common problem that i can just work it out either way can anyone give me any advice on whether to get a diagnosis or smth i could do on my own to mitigate these behavior thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 358, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0112", "text": "i m a year old girl who s been talking to a psychologist for the last few month i have social anxiety and she s been helping me a lot with how to deal with intrusive thought and seeing different scenario when i started talking to her i didn t realise that this wasn t going to be a forever thing during our last meeting she told me that i wa doing great and trying to put myself out there by doing my homework telling some really close friend i got anxiety after talking in front of the whole class and such but then she also said that what we re doing right now is like learning how to ride a bike and that it would soon be time to take off the training wheel we booked session for about five more week before the session ended she think i m ready but i really don t i ve been having so much anxiety about this situation because i ve really come to depend on talking to her every week it s been three day and ive been cry so much i really want to tell her i m not ready but then i ll also have to tell her that i always pretend i feel better than i actually do when talking to her there are so many thing i ve not talked about because i thought i had more time i really don t know what to do right know any help or advice would be appreciated cause this is causing me so much stress", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 267, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0113", "text": "no matter what i do and how much i try i feel like noone will ever really care but thats fine i dont want to be alive anymore anyways i keep saying im doing better but im not im sorry i just dont want anyone to worry i just want to be normal i never asked for any of this i never fucking asked to be born into a shithole family i never asked for a potential personality disorder i never fucking asked to be alive this long ive tried so many time ive done so much stupid shit im just ruining my life and ruining everyones perception of me maybe if i make people hate me itll be easier for them to deal with my death i dont want to live anymore i cant eat anymore i can barely get up anymore i have incredibly shit hygiene it disgusting i know im sorry im sorry im like this im sorry im so fucking sorry im still alive it would be easier if i wasnt it would be itd be better it be better that way maybe id be happy maybe itd bring people peace to know im not ruining myself anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0114", "text": "tldr fck this i m out i can t fcking do this i m tired of myself why do i feel like this i would ask for help but it s not worth it at this point i give up i should be at the happiest point in my life i have more friend than ever before that love me i ve been out of a really toxic abusive friendship for month now i don t know i m tired i m done all my grade are good but rapidly slipping i worry everyone i m around my entire family think i m suicidal and they re fcking right although they just think it because of my shitty humour they keep telling me to drop they only hear the half of it my friend are the one who are extremely worried even though i think it might be bc of my joke too i m not sure if this is a rant or a cry for help because i have a beam in my room thats perfect for a noose and a letter and i ve spent since december finding a date that won t f up anyone s bday or special event early april it wa gon na be early this month but my friend ha invited me to a convention and tbh that s the only reason i m here i didn t want to mess it up for them because they seemed really exited and i really love them and although i ve come to term with leaving them i know it ll take them a while i m not sure why i m writing this help advice idk i just feel like i m at the point of no return", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 304, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0115", "text": "i m f currently on a work trip with a few of my coworkers most of whom i ve known for year but haven t seen in person since covid started i m decently close with one person in particular and the rest i just have a normal professional relationship with last night everyone went out to celebrate a big milestone during the trip and had a great time i wa definitely pretty drunk by the end of the night and getting home is a little hazy but i woke up with good memory of the night before and wasn t concerned that anything had happened anyways no one had texted me this morning and i wasn t sure what the plan for the day wa so i reached out to the coworker i m closer with and asked what she wa up to she said she wa going to breakfast with another person on the trip and that i could come which i agreed to but then she texted and said they were actually leaving right now for breakfast and that we could meet up later this seemed odd to me since we re all in the same hotel and i could have been ready to head out whenever but it felt like she didn t want me to come i think i m reading into it a bit too much but now i m freaking out worried that i did something wrong last night and that s the reason i m not being invited along today i don t really have a track record of doing thing out of character while drunk though so i m just really confused and anxious tldr got drunk with coworkers who i haven t seen in a while and now it feel like no one want to hang out with me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 315, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0116", "text": "i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me just kinda good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 229, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0117", "text": "i m just so done of all this constant same thing everyday feeling like i m not even mentally conscious the whole time who even am i where did everybody i used to know go do they go through this to or am i just some sick i don t know if i can even talk to people about this derealization zoning out feeling i just don t even know anymore it s gotten to the point where i forget simple memory because i just don t feel like they happened so it doesn t matter i had an old friend of mine fuck you to hell cameron i hope you die they started to tell me that i wasn t a real person and that the people of the other land or some shit where waiting for u ever since i haven t been the same fuck you fuck you fuck you cameron you fuckingruined me you controlling manipulative narcissistic piece of living shit you shouldve died when you had the chance ypu ruined me why did any of this have to happen why did my parent divorce why i hate it why can t i just go back to when i wa ok and happy for once why did it all have to change why can t i just be pretty and amazing why can t i just live my life without feeling like this i can t even go a week ithout attempting to stab myself and just ending up with a stinging chest god this hurt just end it all i m so tired of living like this i m gon na make the choice soon at my dad i m not even sure if i want to yet i believe in god heavily but i don t even know if he can forgive me for this the way i m planning on doing it isn t gon na be pretty and i don t wan na traumatize my little brother he should have to see his sister like that not even in highschool dead i want to make the decision to just fucking do it already i have nothing to turn back to my home life is a mess after my parent divorce and i m constantly going back and force between parent it would eventually get exhausting don t you think im probably not gon na end up doing it anyways i really needed to let this out because god i m just so tired of everything", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 437, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0118", "text": "i spent my 0 s in a real mess i let anxiety get the better of me and quit a job outright with nothing to go to i developed agoraphobia and lied to family and friend that i wa still working i got really sick and couldn t go to interview because i didn t know how i would explain an month gap luckily i got a volunteering job which led to full time employment which i ve been in for year the only problem is the pay is terrible and the hour are incredibly long after year of deliberating i recently decided to apply for another job i got an interview but they told me that they wanted to discus my gap i panicked and pulled out of the interview i didn t want to humiliate myself in front of stranger that i had a break down and can t handle pressure i can t see myself lying about what i wa up to that year without my nervousness giving me away i just couldn t do it it suck because i really wanted to work for that organisation but i just chickened out i just feel like crap right now i guess i just needed to offload thanks for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 222, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0119", "text": "i ve been struggling with motivation to do anything work related for the last month or so because i m depressed a a result i m super far behind on a lot of stuff my manager hasn t really noticed because i ll get the thing done that they need but i m in a really bad place mentally this week and i have done almost no work on a big project that i need to finish by tomorrow i ve been debating going out on fmla for the last few week but i have to use up all of my vacation time if i do go out i ve been seeing a therapist weekly and i ve been on wellbutrin for a month my doctor just increased my dosage yesterday it really hasn t done much for me up to this point do i just take fmla until i get my depression under control i feel like i m stuck between a rock and a hard place i hate disappointing people but this depression is debilitating i m also really scared to even start the process for fmla", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0120", "text": "a coping mechanism i have is that i ll sort of get through the hour of the day until it is nighttime and i know i can have the sweet release of sleep soon of course this isn t every day but i usually look forward to sleep because it s the only time i am really guaranteed not to feel anxiety dread of course some day i will sorta forget about it but it seems that the like the main objective of the day is to get to the end of it funny enough i actually don t mind living like that i find it very comforting knowing i get an hour break from my anxiety every day i still have plenty of day where i am enjoying the thing through the day but even on those day when hour fly by i m like oh bonus i m closer to bed some day it s like my only hope though where i am really all over the place and it s my anchor to keep going idk i m sure it sound bad that i look forward to going to sleep everyday but i find it a pretty good coping mechanism", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0121", "text": "so far this year hasn t exactly been easy i ve been out of work cause my grandpa had back pain that he had to get surgery for then he had to be put in the hospital due to internal bleeding then he got diagnosed with cancer then he had to go to the hospital again due to fluid build up and if that weren t enough something happened between my dad and stepmom that had me afraid that they were gon na get a divorce or something thankfully thing had be getting better lately i managed to get an xbox series x my grandpa is out of the hospital and making a lot of progress on regaining his strength thing are now better between my dad and stepmom and a game i ve been eagerly looking forward to tiny tina s wonderland will be releasing this friday however my enthusiasm is starting to rain dramatically now i m getting to the point where i d have to work on final assignment and honestly i m not exactly feeling great about them one for my technical writing class ha so many step and aspect i have to try and think about that even though it s the one that ha me the least worried i feel myself getting depressed thinking about it but a for my maine history class that s the one that really ha me overwhelmed for that i have to write a term paper of at least double spaced page on an issue in maine history not only is that by far the biggest paper i would have to write since 0 0 but it s on a subject that i m seriously not exactly passionate about even though i m from maine i can t exactly think of any big issue in the state s history let alone one s i can write page about the closest thing i thought of is the fact that paleontology is very limited in this state but i m not exactly sure if that subject will fly and i m almost certain that won t be able to turn that into page now i m at the point where i m just absolutely sick of college and what assignment like this keep doing to me and my mental health i swear once i have enough credit for my associate degree i am fucking done with this shit i could keep going for my bachelor s but since i m going part time it will take me another year and i can t stand the idea of having to go through all that for that much longer", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 459, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0122", "text": "i live at home and i love my parent but i m beginning to spiral after an incident month ago i ve been profoundly depressed and stressed out i wa renting but moved back home to save money while trying to get myself back in order especially because my med stopped working i m an only child and my parent have no friend so now that i m back home all they want to do is constantly talk to me i already have poor sleep a it is but it could be am and my dad will shake me awake to talk about a car or his work day or my mom will come in and talk to me about my finance or why i never talk to her about my mental health one time recently i had been woken up so abruptly i could feel my entire nervous system jolt like i had been struck by lighting even thinking about it make my entire body randomly hurt i never get to be alone anymore i try to get alone time but i never get it for more than a couple hour at an time bc of the sleep deprivation i hallucinate now i hear and see thing i honestly wish somthing would happen to me and it would just all end life s so stressful and the little thing aren t fun anymore i hate myself i hate everything i used to love nothing fun anymore what s the fucking point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 256, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0123", "text": "i am year old and i finallly came to the conclusion that i need help with anxiety i signed up for therapy and will have my first session in a couple of day prior to the therapy session i met with a prescriber to discus medication they recomended starting me off on zoloft or lexapro in general i tend to think of medication a a last resort not just for thing like this but in all aspect for example i rarely used medinces perscribed to me for pain after surgery and would only use them if absolutely necesarry i don t even like taking ibuprofen for a headache unless it is unbearable given that i am trying to figure out whether or going on anxiety medication is necessary for me or not i am worried about going on something for the rest of my life and am a little concerned about the side effect on the other hand i have been reading some post on here about how much med helped people i am hoping to hear from some people that have been on any of these medication and what their experience were also if anyone ha any thought on whether or not someone that is new to this whole anexiety improvement journey should jump into med or just try therapy first and see how that go i always kind of ignored my anxiety and told myself that since i have been able to graduate from college with a good degree hold down a great job for several year and maintain good relationship that my anxiety must not be that bad but a time go by i am starting to feel like it is getting worse and is negatively impacting my happiness and is leading my to lean on stimulant and alcohol too much which doesn t seem like a long term healthy way of handling this i have also had a couple of concussion in the last few year so i am not sure how much that play into what i am going through i would really appreciate it if some people could speak to their experience or have any encouragement or advice for someone just starting out in therapy and potentially medication please reach out if i can add additional context to my situation to help clarity where i am at also i wa reading some other post on this sub about people being tired all of the time i have spent year trying to figure out medically why to no avail i am starting to wondering if my axiety is causing it can anyone speak to any experience or epiphany they have had with this thanks garrison", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 473, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0124", "text": "context grew up in a pretty abusive family and always wanted to jill myself even a a young child it get worse till couldn t cope and went to child service at age a i felt i wa going crazy i wa removed from my family and never saw my mum sister again my suicidal thought seem to not always be here now but come in wave i m feeling pretty suicidal now a my gf left me but it made me reminiscent of my last suicidal episode about a year ago this wa the most intense one yet i had plan and everything the last thing i had to do wa to speak to my mum and sister before i passed away i spoke to my sister first and she basically wa horrible to me to the point i couldn t speak to my mum out of guilt turn out the abuse got a lot worse after i got removed and my sister blamed me for it it hit me pretty hard i didn t end up speaking to my mum here s where thing get interesting a i never spoke to my mum i never killed my self she ended up dying a few month afterwards now i feel weird if i had rang her and killed myself would she have been alive it sound silly but my mum illness wa caused by sadness i m sure if i spoke to her she would have survived but then i would be dead so would my suicide have saved a life somewhat this now make me more suicidal a i didn t speak to her before she died but this time i don t have the courage to kill myself sticky situation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0125", "text": "i ve been dealing with depression for pretty much a long a i can remember wa diagnosed with it a a child some day are better than others the same can be said about the month and even year to be honest i never thought i would make it to the age i am now and have never really given any thought to what i wanted out of life besides the basic thing like friend loved one and many even a romantic partner outside of that i am lost i don t have a dream job in mind really and i don t have any set goal i m getting older and it feel like the wall are closing in on what time i have left and i don t know what to do i have friend and family who love me but they have their life pretty much together at this point or are close to their goal i have a job i hate no career option i can t drive and don t have any education outside of high school i feel like i just exist i have to rely on people for ride which make me feel like a burden i don t have enough money to make it on my own so i live with my parent i feel like friend keep me around out of pitty because i tend to be the one to start every conversation i m a part of people s life but have nothing of my own i don t know what to do anymore i know i m not at my worst yet because some thing still bring me some joy but none of that fix the problem i have no motivation i try to reach out for help but i don t exactly get any i pretty much get pushed to the back burner a lot and i get it people have their own thing to deal with but i need help i can t do this alone because doing it on my own isn t working i just want to leave this place i m in the job the town the everything probably and find what i want whatever that is i don t even know if i m looking for advice or just to have someone tell me i m not crazy", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 396, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0126", "text": "here i am after another failed suicide attempt back to the stupid fucking mental health hospital so they can shove more pill down me i take fucking med for my mental and physical health the lastb year i have tried to shoot hang stab od and purposely crash my car on the interstate at night i barely eat anymore i drink bottle a day just so i can fucking stand myself my mom fucked me up she tortured me for year cutting burning beating and my father knew about it the court failed me when i spoke out parent got divorced my dad took his baby my older sister and said fucking cya now i feel like i m never enough for fucking anyone i just lay in bed now just slowly killing myself i sleep so much that i m getting bed sore if i do eat my jaw hurt and is sore now i force myself to sleep i live in a fucking stupid town where i m the laughing stock i m known a the so people just make fun of me and it s ironic the good fucking christian s that pretend to be something and i get dragged to church and i see these good people that make fun of me me a god damn fucking stranger i hate it i hate this fucking world and everyone in it i get used i had a large some of money and during my worst time when i wa constantly in and out i had friend and people the like me ask me for money it got to the point where people weren t comfortable talking or hanging out but would still ask for money for fuck sake i m such a disgusting fucking piece of shit filth that ylthey couldn t even see me i would be asked and would go fucking put money in mailbox and gas cap in car this is me this is me fucking stupid worthless existence i look forward to the next day hoping it ll be the day i die i d fucking shoot myself but for fuck sake i can t even put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger without fucking it up i live in a fucking town of k people and there is only one place for therapist and fucking therapist is what they have i see my therapist every month then of course in a small town the last time i tried to kill myself i had er nurse who i know think i wa still unresponsive curtain in front of me and i got to listen for 0 minute about what they thought about me called me name made fun of me this is my life this is my worthless stupid life i want it to fucking end more than anything", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 486, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0127", "text": "the world ha been nothing short of a flaming corpse trash fire in these past few week there s no doubt about that but recently i can feel it around others when i m out in public no i don t have superpower lol i m just saying that i ve been getting this kind of collective i m so done with this shit vibe when i m out in public i don t know how else to explain it but everyone seems so exhausted and fed up it s like a butterfly effect since a lot of people have the same vibe right now i guess despite a lot of u being on the other side of the world it s certainly hard not to feel just how crazy these past few week have been it s like the pandemic already fucked people up for two year but now 0 just want to kick u while we re down with the current war it s neverending it s been hard for me a well i ve kind of been burying my head in the sand and focusing heavily on work and video game because holy shit is this world completely fucked up not to mention there s nothing i can really do about the situation and dwelling on it and obsessing over it isn t going to change the outcome even my friend on social medium have been talking a lot about how they ve been strangely depressed lately this situation is affecting everyone but with that said i really hope everyone pull through the rest of this month i m no military specialist so i m not even going to try and act like i know when all this will end but i hope the worst is over and that the war end soon there s a common saying thing will get worse before they get better i really hope that doesn t apply to the current situation the world need a break wishing everyone the best this week and stay encouraged", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 349, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0128", "text": "i ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thought for a couple of year now i don t know why but i also have the worst anxiety and it cause me to overthink everything and ruin my own life anytime i m near a stranger i can only think about if i m breathing too loud or weird and when people look at me i just want to disappear because i m afraid their laughing at me or something i cry a lot and i feel bad because dude aren t supposed to cry so much i hate work too i work at home depot and i feel like every person think i m weird and is laughing at me for something i just want to make my family proud and be successful but i have such terrible intrusive thought and i hate it i ve also never really had a real girlfriend i dated in middle school and i feel like the biggest loser because of it i just don t understand why we live our life knowing we re gon na die anyways even if your the richest man your still gon na die the best looking or most healthy person is still gon na die so what s the point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 214, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0129", "text": "english isn t my native language so please excuse possible incorrect grammar hi guy so a quick explanation to why i f want to get diagnosed i ve been struggling with panik attack and alot of anxiety since i wa a toddler i think about or yr old i ve done quite alot of research about gad and the vast majority of the symptom i could find describe what i m struggling with quite well so lately i ve been thinking about telling my physiatrist and i have a lot of question and worry surrounding that it would really mean alot to me to read some of you guy s experience with getting diagnosed feel free to share in the comment first of all i don t really know how to approach this conversation with her like how do i start it and what kind of question could she ask me im diagnosed with adhd i don t know if the process is similar to that of an anxiety disorder diagnosed and second what if i don t have an anxiety disorder ive been struggling my whole life it honestly feel like my anxiety ha pretty much full control over what i do and especially what i don t do thanks lt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0130", "text": "so i wa just working a completely normal day in fact i felt pretty good i work at a goodwill so it s relatively social but i can handle it cause honestly every person that enters that store is fantastically polite and friendly but for some reason half way through my shift i begin getting light head i assumed it wa my tight hat or my new prescription glass so i took those off and got back to work and for a little bit actually helped but it got worse and worse my hand were shaky and i wa super light headed bless my coworkers cause i mentioned i wasn t feeling great and my manager let me have a break despite not requiring one due to shirt shift one of my coworkers actually spent a dollar to get me a snack and i wa improving i didn t wan na leave these lovely people short staffed a i wa the only product handler closing so i tried getting back on the floor and instantly i wa back in it and again bless my manager cause she suggested it wa fine and i could go home i got in my car and instantly my face felt numb by the time i wa home a relatively short drive my chest wa super numb too im i ve only ever had this feeling once before and i wa wondering if this is what a standard panic attack feel like how do i bring this up with my dad in order to get this figured out sorry if this wa long it actually helped a good bit in getting me relaxed just writing this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 283, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0131", "text": "hi first post here so sorry if i m doing anything wrong recently i ve been suffering from very intense anxiety and panic attack nearly every night they re usually triggered around midnight and last through to around 9am normally preventing me from getting any sleep at all during the night my bedroom also seems to be one major trigger a i m able to calm myself down sometimes but a soon a i re enter my bedroom the panic flare up all over again and it s like i m in full fight or flight mode during the daytime the panic is almost nonexistent i think the most difficult part is that it generally happens during hour when nobody is around to give me comfort so strong feeling of isolation and hopelessness often accompany that brings me to my question for anyone who ha experienced nightly anxiety what ha brought you comfort during a time when you re unable to reach out to others i would love to hear about your experience and the thing that have helped bring you comfort in a time of isolation thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 191, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0132", "text": "for the last five to seven year at least i ve always figured that once my parent were gone it would be my time i can t bring myself to do that to them however the resentment toward myself and my entire existence have manifested into something that is extremely hard to control i m not going to get into specific but that is just how i feel i guess my main curiosity is if there s anyone else who s still around solely because the thought of their death impacting their family would crush them that s the only thing going for me this day and age i hate every moment and every interaction even though i constantly try to convince myself it s good for me countless time i ve tried failed and never seemed to fit in i m just done i hate everything unfortunately even though i try to love i love my family although it s just too much i ve been hurt and ignored to the point i ve convinced myself no one give a fuck which is probably true nobody doe maybe someone is in the same boat i ve tried to be the most optimistic person i can but i ve been failed so many time i struggle to even grasp for a reason why", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 223, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0133", "text": "i m a frequent poster here i ve struggled all my life with these feeling thing seemed like they were getting better i wa genuinely happy and then it got taken away again i live in shitty section housing i wa kicked out several year ago and i ve been struggling to stay afloat since my mother and i recently discussed me moving back home which wa le than ideal she bought a condo and offered it to me she even suggested i get a roommate i wa overjoyed my so could move in my best friend could move it it seemed wonderful and then once i already signed the paper to move out in two month my mother told me to stop looking for a roommate she ha been considering moving into the larger bedroom and taking my kid sister with her leaving me alone in the smaller bedroom with no support and i have no place to argue against this she bought me a new car a an early birthday gift she s paying for me to go through school i m currently struggling to keep my grade up and she s rightfully angry about it my apartment is messy and she s mad about that too rightfully so i am going to lose my privacy and be stuck in the tiny condo with her without support from my so and my best friend my mother is very controlling so i know i won t be able to play video game or talk to my friend in peace it ll just be lecturing do your homework look for a better job etc etc i don t have the motivation for either i barely have motivation to go to my current job she doesn t get that i m so incredibly depressed and suicidal every single fucking day i just got rejected for a better job and now on top of all that i ll be stuck in a confined space with her with no freedom again and i ll probably become babysitter again for the child i pretty much raised for her it s not fair", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 363, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0134", "text": "hey people 0 started with one huge panic attack and dissociation and all that fancy stuff for me that really messed it all up about ish month ago i started going to therapy and i can leave the house feel normal and do all the thing even stay in front of people with no issue all that stuff but when it s about pm or later i get this insane exhaustion and zoned out feel i get sensitive i feel like my head is full of wool and i am very sensitive to dissociating which could result in panic moment i have my survival kit inspired by people with bpd some stuff i can touch some stuff to smell including ammonia capsule for super intense moment which i have never used before and all that but this is more for the acute stuff the zoning out in the evening creep up on me it doesn t come 0 to 00 in a few second it arrives slowly and go away slowly and it is so annoying i would even say that without this feeling i would be 90ish anxiety free that s because this feeling is the main thing that lead to anxiety in the first place some topic i am sensitive to but that s not relevant for this post without this massive exhaustive burst and the zoning out i would feel what i consider to be normal mindfulness meditation can sometimes get me out of this but this is usually sort of a training that help me control the stuff when it s there or for accepting it but i wan na know if there is something that can help me in my daily management to not even have it happen or at least reduce it oh btw showering help too and eating also reduces zoning out weirdly enough since i started zoning out i am not really able to properly detect hunger anger and zoning out usually come first for context i am a university student with ton of deadline in my back i am easily stressed but i have no other choice than powering through i am semi successful with all that uni stuff but it work i can run the household too i take care of myself i cook healthy food i shower and working out is on the plan too but not existant rn because i have so many assignment to take care of thanks for any help i know this is a lot of random text but i am just looking for someone who is experiencing similiar thing", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 449, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0135", "text": "i can t stand the constant shitty feeling of depression in my chest head and stomach idk how to put it into word but pretty sure every depressed person know what i mean i can t shake the feeling and everything is starting to get under my skin and send me into such a downwards spiral of overthinking and overanalyzing everything so much to the point that i overanalyze feeling sad in the first place and minimize my own feeling i m not motivated to do anything except sit around like a blob and waste time and space my fiance is a blessing and doe so much to make me feel better but he can t be my savior and it s been so hard just to get through the work day and go through the motion i know it s temporary and will pas cause that s the illness but i feel so awful and helpless rn i forgot what i m supposed to do i hope typing this out will make me feel better thanks so much for reading and have a wonderful night", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0136", "text": "so last night i wa up for hour trying to reset my sleep schedule since i had been going to sleep around am and waking up around pm i still wasn t that tired last night around 0 pm so i smoked some weed a i usually do every night i started hallucinating while making my bed seeing hand grab for me when i tucked the blanket it i tried to convince myself it wasn t real but i wa really freaking out so i went up stair and tried to just chill and find something to eat at this point my mind is racing and i can t think straight and i m wondering what is wrong with me and that s when i realized my heart wa racing like beating out of my chest i quickly pulled out my stopwatch to take my pulse because lately when i get anxious my heart rate get to about 0 my whole body is shaking and i m trying to count every beat for second but i got to second and my count wa already at 0 the stopwatch on my phone looked like it glitched and my knee went weak i thought i wa going to pas out so i freaked out and ran to my dad for him to take my pulse just in case i wa just buggin and just thought my heart rate wa crazy nope it wa resting at a i laid in my dad bed for about 0 minute shaking and cry i couldn t even get my breathing under control because i wa shaking so bad i couldn t voluntarily move needle to say i m going back on anxiety med sleeping more and never smoking weed again and i m gon na start seeing a cardiologist", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 314, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0137", "text": "idk who s going to read this but it doesn t matter i m only writing this for myself i always had friend growing up i wasn t the most popular kid but i had my small group recently some drama happened and i m no longer in the group i wa wronged and i will play the victim because i am i don t have any friend now i haven t got a few year i fell into a terrible life style the only thing i do with my life is go to college work then rot in my bed consuming medium it took a while but it hit me during one of my break away from school and work i realized that i have nothing making me happy i wake up and go on my phone watching random shit all day in my bed at night i m afraid to sleep so i just consume medium until i can t stay awake any longer i recently started think about what make me happy nothing i have no interest to pursue no friend to talk to no life to live i ve seen everywhere that in order to find yourself you should start a hobby based on your interest that s bullshit coming from people that don t have these problem i don t have interest no hobby appeal to me saying find a hobby that interest you is like me telling you to start a hobby that you don t like i don t like anything anymore i don t know who i am and i don t know how to find myself being betrayed by the people closest to you is a blessing and a curse i know they weren t real but i also know loneliness i can t crawl out of this state because i ve got nothing i want to do how do i become curious how do i start to desire thing again i m so lost i don t even know if i have depression or something all i know is i m constantly hurt unless i m consuming medium being idle just hurt i don t know where else to say this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 373, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0138", "text": "about a year ago i started getting anxious when i heard people yelling it doesn t happen when i m being yelled at only when it s other people arguing or sometimes even just loud talking even if it s isn t fighting it s gotten much worse to the point of me shaking and cry when i hear yelling i don t understand it i don t have much of a past with yelling a far a i know so i m not sure why this could be happening especially so suddenly there isn t much i can do to stop people from yelling because no one listens when i say it make me anxious and my only way to really block it out is loud music which i can t always have but i feel like at least knowing what could be causing this would help me feel at least a bit more normal understood if anyone know what this could be caused by or anything that could ease it even in the slightest bit maybe a form of music or something else please share it with me i d be very grateful also i don t have access to a therapist currently a mine just moved and i didn t get much time to talk to her about it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 222, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0139", "text": "i m so done with everything i love my career but everyday is harder and harder to get up and go to class i get home and just sleep instead of studying because i feel like absolute trash i feel like nobody love me or even care about me i feel like my friend don t care that i am skipping class and that i have literally stopped talking to everyone i just stand there with them but don t engage with anything because if i do i m scared i ll bust into tear my best friend completely changed his behavior with me a few month ago and now i feel like he doesn t like me anymore i feel like the most unlovable unlikeable person ever nobody ha ever been in love with me i have never kissed anyone or even held hand i just want someone to care about me to ask me about my day to ask me how i m feeling it doesn t even have to be romantic i just want someone anyone to care i fear that my depression get so bad that i stop completely going to class and i fail this semester i don t know what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0140", "text": "sometimes my life seems great and i tend to blow off my emotion to make myself feel better about my current situation right after graduating college with honor i suddenly wa hit the truth about adulthood expectation weren t suddenly brought up to my face and if i wanted to improve it wa completely up to myself if i wanted to reach it yet i wa complacent i started drinking heavily since i couldn t depend on weed anymore due to my job search which lead to me getting arrested for a dwi which resulted in me getting fired from my job 000 dollar later i met a woman that made me happy with who i wa and what i stood for and i m about to start a job at a national bank more recently we ve started getting into fight and she want me to get mad at her but i start falling in a self pity party and instead of getting mad at her i tell myself i deserve every bit of anger coming out of her i cower and just want thing to start getting better emotionally and don t know how to get there", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 203, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0141", "text": "even when i have logical proof that it isn t true i still can t help thinking everyone find me annoying and hate me one example of this is a guy that work in the reception of my accommodation we get along well we talk more often than we would need to and often about thing that aren t customer employee related he ll asks me question about my family and my life when he doesn t need to in reality the only interaction we need to have is me collecting parcel or if i have problem with the accommodation so clearly all other conversation is optional and he wouldn t talk to me if he didn t want to yet i still can t help but think he hate talking to me and would rather i just leave him alone and yes there is the possibility that he s just putting up with me for those few minute but even then i know this probably isn t true a he suggested i apply for student ambassador next year and he wouldn t do that if he couldn t truly stand me because the role involves working with him for multiple hour so why despite these solid fact do i think he can t stand me and how do i stop thinking like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0142", "text": "for context i m an english teacher at a small private english school the school is so small i m the only teacher no sub i got my period last night and a always the first day is the worst cramp headache nausea needing the loo every minute and i feel so freaking cold today no matter what i do i just can t seem to get warm so i cancelled my two afternoon lesson and asked the receptionist to deal with a meeting with a potential client herself i mean that s pretty much her job anyway but i feel so guilty for cancelling the class the nausea got worse a soon a i sent the text to my bos i feel bad that i have to cancel two class in one day especially since i had a week holiday the week before last maybe the student are losing too much lesson time this year my class today were from to 0 and then to but i don t go home in the gap between meaning i d have to sit at my desk with nothing comfy or warm for hour all while feeling really crappy idk just looking for someone to tell me it ok to take a sick day if i need it and tell the anxiety voice to shut the heck up edit thank you so much to everyone who commented and got me through the day i went to bed feeling better emotionally and physically than when i got up today is a new day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 265, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0143", "text": "ive been suicidal for a long time now ive actually pussied out twice now and no one know i have a s o but because of no free time we only really see each other at school which is not the place to cry every time we try and plan something someone s parent are always there so it s never really safe to just vent alone and my parent are half the problem i face constant pressure for my sport from my mother meaning i barely have free time in fact ive barely been free at all this year with the exception of a few weekend and day in a holiday period even then i m usually busy at some point either the next weekend or every other time in the holiday my father left when i wa five but that s a whole other story the reason he left ha been bothering me for so long and despite how much he talk good about other thing i do he belief that i shouldn t follow any dream and should just become a lawyer and im too scared to talk back a he ha beat me before for littler thing neither of them believe that they are problematic and if i told them they would blame each other which would only make me feel worse every day i get closer to truly killing myself but i don t want to make my friend sad", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 247, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0144", "text": "i am year old and i have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depressive problem since i wa i have no one i don t have anyone to talk to when i have a problem my family it s not even that they don t want to help me it s that they don t want to listen to me they have even blamed me for part of their problem my father tried to kill himself over 0 year ago when i wa little and i have always been afraid that he would do it again a few year ago i wa very bad and my father told me that when he saw me like that he wanted to crash the car into a wall how could i share my problem in such a situation i do not have friend i may have had at some point year ago but never particularly close and the one who wa closest to me when he found out about my problem he started to distance himself from me apart from telling many more people what i told him in private i have no one to vent to no family or friend i left my psychologist to whom i paid 0 euro per session because she came to call me selfish for being depressed and not being in the same situation a a beggar a cancer patient or a person from ukraine this last one seemed totally outrageous to me i do not know what to do i m sick all day no one to vent to or talk about anything just my medication that doesn t work for me lately and so with year i can t get any better just survive day to day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0145", "text": "i come from a pretty african evangelical household where mental health wasn t talked about or addressed growing up in the last few year i ve noticed intense wave of sadness and internal pain turn from short stint of time to practically everyday now there will be time period of elation but for the most part my disposition ha remained sad on an almost daily basis i feel anger irritability deep sadness about the way thing haven t worked out for me in the past or currently or intense rejection from others who may not intend their action to be rejection for example the housemate i live with are a married couple who i wa in their wedding so we re all friend when i first moved in they would always have dinner with me asking me what i wanted to eat for dinner but that ha tapered off and tonight i walked in from work late and saw they had dinner together and were enjoying tv it broke me and i went to my room feeling intense inner pain this stuff is so new to me i have no clue how to continue through life because nobody know i struggle with this i don t even know where to begin to share with others or begin to understand what help i need any advice would be much appreciated", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 232, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0146", "text": "so i would describe myself a someone who is pretty high functioning in term of living with moderate anxiety although in certain triggering situation it can become completely debilitating and a huge obstacle to making progress in my life on wednesday i have a job interview and i am just nauseated and so anxious even thinking about it it s only 0 minute long but i think it s 0 0 whether i ll straight up have a panic attack during the interview and i m absolutely dreading it the inability to speak to think in a straight line to remember anything to breathe properly feeling totally disoriented i m not trying to manifest it here but it s just the reality of how my body reacts to these situation and in year of my working life i have never come close to conquering it i have a wonderful partner i have been with for nearly a year now but she ha never really seen what anxiety can do to me when it get bad i guess i ve just been really good at avoiding situation that trigger it she s very sympathetic and encourages me to prepare but it s clear she fundamentally doesn t know what it s like to be debilitated by situation to the point of panic attack i tried to explain but she think if i prep then i ll just be able to speak without issue but it just doesn t work like that for me at all prep can only get me so far and half the time i ll just get a few sentence out then descend into panic i am so anxious just thinking about wednesday that i ve barely made progress with my prep anyway although i ll try my best to do some more over the next couple of day sorry this is just a rant and isn t a very meaningful post i guess i m just desperate for people to understand how horrible it is to feel so anxious and to know you re basically setting yourself up for a potential panic attack with an audience hope i can find my courage to get through it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 380, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0147", "text": "i m a volunteer coach at the h i went to the pst year here i ve seen a lot of thing i didn t like like how the head coach ran it and it felt very low effort and try to avoid problem and a large lack of discipline i tried for year and nothing ha changed and this off season ha been low number since march and my position group fell apart to some transfer and kid not taking the leadership of those transfer i tried but it ha stressed me out and i ve been fixated the last few month on leaving just because of how poorly ran it wa i feel guilty and anxious to spring it on the coach and team but i can t keep hurting myself especially if i have more interest and care than the player and some coach everyone that know the program ha been telling me to get out it s not a bad decision in my eye to leave i just feel crappy about doing it and super anxious after i wa done any advice on coping in these scenario i take a ssri but these scenario it doesn t matter for me i ll get worked up no matter what i really hate the guilt part because i know it s the best choice for myself in both coaching career and just mental health in general", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 240, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0148", "text": "so we paid a company 000 to lift our house to fix the crooked floor they installed these pier yesterday and started lifting this morning about an hour later the guy come up and tell u they can t raise it more than an inch because the foundation started to crack turn out that stabilizing the house is guaranteed but lifting is not we re now paying back a 000 loan for work that accomplished nothing i m absolutely crushed and the depression anxiety is raging in me so hard i don t know if i can continue this is just another devastating failure in my miserable life i ve been struggling to keep it together for my wife and kid and this wa going to be a huge positive thing instead i don t know if i can go on even for them they re better off with this hapless fuckwad out of their life i may overdose on something so at least it will be an open casket at my funeral and my wife can just tell my kid daddy wa sick i wa already severely depressed and this is just the final blow", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0149", "text": "i recently started a new job and i m finding it difficult to socialize with my some of my colleague i have no problem with one on one but i tend to struggle with social anxiety in group setting a a result i often avoid joining my group s table during lunch fairly small around people my biggest concern is that i m half everyone s age and they ve all known each other for year in addition these are group of people i wouldn t normally interact with in social setting when i joined the table at one point i felt awkward and out of place worrying about everything that came out of my mouth i also joined them during happy hour but felt bored out of my mind and didn t want to be there i have made work friend during my orientation but they all ended up working different shift so i rarely see them i ve been spending my lunch alone so far and a much a it s way le stressful i sometimes feel sad and lonely i am not the only one alone in the break room though i didn t expect to be that person although i don t particularly relate to my colleague what are some way to get closer to them side note i work alongside with them all day hr shift in a lab setting so it s not like i never interact with them i can t tell if wanting to spend break alone is rude antisocial or actually common", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 263, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0150", "text": "hi hello idk why am i writing this i just need to vent out ok i can t type properly my eye are flooding with tear rn i m so fucked up right now idk what to do amp x 00b no one got my back for fuck sake this is so messed up i wan na kill myself so bad i feel like i ve done everything that i want if somehow i die my biggest regret would probably be disappointing my mom amp x 00b amp x 00b on a second thought i don t really wan na die i m just confused what is the life i wan na know my purpose being 9 year old and having nothing accomplished make me feel shit constantly lying about stuff making sin day after day am i born to sin amp x 00b amp x 00b i really felt lonely and thought that no one really cared about my existence i saw my friend enjoying and posting their happy moment i really felt cornered i spent another few day in my room then the other day i just went out for a walk amp x 00b i don t want this anymore my coping mechanism is smoke some cigarette i don t want to be addicted i m thinking about praying to god but i don t wan na pray for someone whom i don t believe to exist i m starting to think what if someone just made up god idk someone made up god for people who don t have someone to talk to", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 284, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0151", "text": "exactly year ago my mental health went down hill drastically i felt alone sad and unloved also adding up to that what i start realising now a very strange circle of friend one year after that nothing really changed and there were some point where it got even worse but then everything started to change i started hanging out with my people again even tho they did nothing for me when i wa at my lowest but who care my grade where decent and i started to get happy again most importantly i meat my now girlfriend which is a whole other story that s the thing that s going around my head most of the time atm but now i have been in quarantine for day and everything fall apart i can t stop thinking about stuff that make me sad everything overwhelmes me and my head hurt from thinking maybe you can call it voice but i m not sure if i make that up causo of the fact i have a high risk for schizophrenia it s am right now and i can t sleep maybe someone would like to text a bit that s what i did very often in the past dark time anyway thx for reading this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 220, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0152", "text": "sometimes i start to plan it by leaving one day and never being found that hopefully i would prepare well enough that no one would ever find me i think that would be better than my family knowing my death wa intentional and planned but i still know they would grieve amp x 00b i m somewhat of an antinatalist and i refuse to ever bring child into this world it just a personal choice i don t judge parent because if i am so miserable why would i create more life maybe if thing looked up and i gained some self esteem again i could have a job i love and more importantly a wife although i don t know how many woman really want to be in a childless marriage i ve never even gone on a date before and i m a m so i worry i ll just be alone for my entire life i feel like a real loser for this i just see life in a very bleak way and i don t see my future a one that is bright and cheerful especially since i don t really believe i deserve good thing i have intrusive thought ocd which is a little voice that throw horrible word and image at me all day and telling me i m a irredeemable human being and a terrible person it exhausting and i feel trapped", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0153", "text": "nowadays it s a if my body is just tired of being anxious all the time like it doesn t really care anymore like it s just an annoying pest i get intrusive thought which fuel my anxiety and my neurosis it seems that after dealing with it all for so long the constant worrying the obsessing the hyper fixation the pacing back amp forth the chest pain and the dizziness the shallow breathing i m just tired of it so tired of fighting my mind and body is basically starting to tell itself man what are you even toiling over what s the point why worry about what s not there what you can t control it s one thing when others say that kind of stuff to you but when you realize it yourself it hit different somehow i m starting to actually feel some relief for the first time in a long time this is an interesting development in how i feel towards my mental health i guess it s some kind of progress though not the ideal way to overcome the anxiety it s better than nothing i m sure i m not out of the wood yet but hey i ll take it i want my life back i don t know if anyone else ha made this realization too i m just kind of venting keep your head up everyone stay safe out there", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 246, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0154", "text": "im y o my mom died when i wa 9 and ever since then ive had no motivation to do anything i used to be into sport a lot football baseball basketball track and i wa pretty good at it too but ever since my mom passed i just cant seem to be happy fr people always ask me why i gave up why my grade went down why im not how i wa year ago when i go to school im a pretty popular person and i d like to think im a pretty funny person and fun person to be around but when i get home im alone just me and my thought and it literally killing me ive thought about killing myself multiple time and im sure the only reason i haven t is because i couldn t put my father through that please give me some type of advice i honestly dont think i can do this any longer amp x 00b i posted this under a different subreddit about two week ago i took the advice people gave to me and it didint work everything just feel like it wont get better no matter how hard i try i genuinely feel like there no escape and that killing myself is the best option people always say oh you need to do what would make your mother happy okay and what about what make me happy i wan na play sport again so badly but my dad to scared to let me because he doesn t want me to lose sight in my other eye to be honest football basketball and baseball where some of the only thing that made me happy and now that i cant play them it just make everything worse i just miss my mom she wa the only person that made me happy really and i really didnt even get that much time with her", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 328, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0155", "text": "in 0 i found out a former friend and person i used to have sex with in 0 wa posting my naked photo to a nude sharing reddit page kik and trading them with stranger on the internet we lived in two different country when i discovered this and the only thing i could do wa call email with the police in his area and inform his girlfriend at the time the police didn t really do much but they were able to track him down and tell him by phone or in person not really sure that he should delete the image he ha of me that wa all that came of it the police couldn t really even ensure he had deleted them his girlfriend broke up with him i did speak to him and he sounded sorry to have been caught he didn t seem to feel bad at all for how he made me feel ever since i have been struggling with this i feel extremely violated and stupid especially since he could still have the photo and be trading them with other people i wa only 0 and he wa when we were sharing nude and having sex and i feel like i did something that could potentially follow me forever i wa struggling hard with mental illness at the time i also had very little sleep and a stressful schedule i feel like i went into some depressive spiral and i started doing dangerous and promiscuous thing including being with him i know it s not an excuse however most day i just try not to think about what happened but some day it come so strong and i get an intense urge to do something bad to myself i am currently married to the love of my life and he wa an amazing support when i discovered my image online in 0 i know doing something bad to myself would absolutely crush him but i feel so worthless sometimes i still feel so violated i have the guy blocked on facebook but i know who his current partner is and i occasionally type in the usernames he used to share image to make sure there havent been any post since then he still seems to have a kik username active under the same name but i have no idea if he is still using it the police told me it would be hard to prosecute for something like this so telling me that i should try to get legal help is useless i obviously can t tell most people about this only my husband know so thank you for listening it s been year now since this all happened and i still occasionally feel extremely suicidal over it i don t know what to do to stop this i struggle with depression and anxiety on top of this but i usually don t feel suicidal unless this come up thanks for listening", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 508, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0156", "text": "hey there doe anyone here have this odd anxiety over commiting a crime and or lying when you infact don t whenever i get a call or letter i immidiately think i am in trouble and when i run into an issue that even remotely ha to do with official matter i am so anxious i might have accidently commit a crime it go so far that i start to convince myself i infact have commited crime when that isnt the case it might be a tad of imposter syndrome too example i worked a a freelance designer for a year jumped in when there wa a project i found interesting i did everything correctly etc after the project wa done i realized this sort of freelancing isn t what i wanted to do so i cancelled my status again i didnt know i cpuld just freeze it after having had only one client i again did everything a law demanded soon i wan na to apply for job in a different field game art and going through my document made the anxiety flare up again immidiately thought like you werent a real freelancer or only one client is shady af or in general just obsession about having commited a crime i have asked the literal tax office how i would go about cancelling since i figured it wasnt really my thing and if it is possible to start a freelance gig again after i officially cancelled my status for example a an artist they told me all i needed to know i did nothing wrong but there is this irration fear and voice that keep trying to convince me i have committed a crime and that is just one example sometimes i feel i stole my art i could draw it this exact moment with no bloody ref and my brain would tell me stole it i feel like i weaseled myself into uni and didnt really pas the test i dont know how to deal with this shite anymore is it this still anxiety or what oa that anyone can relate", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 372, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0157", "text": "i feel like i have had this crap since i wa young and depending on whether or not i can convince myself everything will be okay is where my anxiety level are i am constantly plagued by my own thought about dying and more specifically what happens after and the wonderful memory throughout my life that will just be gone i love life so strongly the sunrise and sunset the connection with family friend my husband potentially future child that i ve been holding off on until i can come to some sort of conclusion with this anxiety and the companionship of animal sometimes i spiral into panic over it and just don t know how i m going to keep doing this for the rest of my life the anxiety is so bad that i would say at this point i have depression that i ve never felt wa a label that ha matched me in the past doe anyone have any kind word or advice or anything ha anyone had success with finding their way out of this anxiety i m not religious but i am spiritual and look at life very factually and scientifically this is just one thing that i don t have very good answer to or hope about", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0158", "text": "hello it s getting hard for me i don t know if i m really suicidal or not but i wish i could just not wake up i think about that every night before going to bed and when waking up i hate myself for this i clearly don t have that much problem in life i don t have money problem i have friend i am healthy yet there are time where i just feel so crushed and it hurt so much to keep on living people have it muc worse and they are still doing so much better and i have trouble getting up in the morning and doing simple thing i don t have any hope to find happiness in the future my therapist try to help me and is very nice but it s just not enough i have felt like this for too long it just never end and not existing would just solve it all in the end we all end up dying i don t want to just continue living just to see what it s like i just want to end it sometimes yes it s selfish but i won t be conscious anymore to see myself be sad from my decision anyway yes there are thing that i like in life but honestly when i m in a bad state i don t care anymore i don t look forward to those thing and i just want a realease from the mental pain don t worry tho i don t have the gut to do anything anyway and i m not looking for help or advice i am just rambling and expressing how i m feeling because it make me feel a tiny bit better to let it all out if you read it all well thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 310, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0159", "text": "doe anyone else think that depression can t be cured treatment resistant depression is a term that i think about and seeing that some people may just be born to have it and deal with it for life no matter what you could have the most idealistic life imaginable and have no identifiable trigger and still be depressed and if it s down to serotonin dopamine or whatever anyone think is happiness isn t working and nothing is making a difference then what is there to fix it i m told about coping mechanism from everyone i talk to about it who s qualified and a a psychology uni dropout the little i think i ve learned ha not given any answer that satisfy this a coping these day just isn t something that make sense to me a everything i try feel like a waste of effort to distract from the inevitable thought of wanting to essentially meet the earth and feeling nothing no idea really why i m asking this a it s not really going to be a easy post to find a reply for i understand that but it doe kind of seem that feeling crap all the time could just be a natural decision made by whoever whatever or nothing beforehand for u to deal with until the end", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 226, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0160", "text": "i have a lazy eye and am overweight and i have a bowel problem which make me smell even with these attribute i ve managed to fall in love get married and have a daughter but i keep getting this urge since i wa to end it all it doesn t help that my family doesn t want anything to do with me or my child hell my baby is year old and my mother ha yet to see her or even call the shitty part is she life an hour away i keep on thinking what s the point of trying so hard to keep people who don t even want you in their life i love my daughter but i just want ti end it i ve been fighting off and on with my wife over small stuff because i m not home enough i have to travel for work week at a time because we can t afford for me to quit and honestly sometimes it feel like she s just with me because she can stay at home and not work long story short i m tired of trying to keep up the illusion that i m happy the only thing that make me happy is reminiscing about holding my daughter when i m on the road but it s getting harder and harder to keep going", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 232, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0161", "text": "it s just pointless what good is money when your country denies you access for help anyways and nobody care people look at me like i m some sort of a freak i m lucky only half of my family hate me but they don t understand i try to reach out for help via phone and when i explained my situation i get called a f g by the person on the line all because i said i m trans woman looking for therapist i am so tired of never being able to leave my room thar year looking for a doctor hasn t worked that people call me a monster threat to our culture that i m giving a bad impression to child even though i never leave my house i literally don t interact with anyone and nobody see or hears me and yet i m still seen a a monster i ll do you all a favor and just die cause it s too much i m tired of living like this and if i m such a bad threat then i ll be doing every one a favor", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 194, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0162", "text": "hi there i am someone who suffers from health anxiety in the past month it started the day after two terrible thing happened to me my dog who i wa very close with passed away and i found out that i tested positive for covid so quite the shellshock to say the least the night after that i had a panic attack which really scared me since i had never previously had one that night i wa in the hospital for a few hour and aside from the fact i had covid the doctor told me i wa completely fine after that night i would go on to get a blood test and visit the doctor multiple time needle to say that everything came back fine nothing bad wa found in my blood and despite having multiple odd feeling the doctor said i wa fine and basically confirmed i wa suffering from a form of health anxiety meaning i would feel like something is wrong with me but in reality i wa just fine around the fourth visit he recommended i see a counselor and suggested getting a neurologist exam to remove all fear i have been seeing a counselor for a few week now and the earliest neurologist meeting is in may a for my physical symptom i currently have a pin and needle feeling in the back of my head and my neck ha been feeling a bit stiff over the course of the last month i ve had other feeling such a pin in my left hand rough skin emphasized feeling in all sort of part in my body and other feeling i probably forgot about i m posting here because it seems like a welcoming community and i want to share my experience with others who have suffered similarly and hopefully get some reassurance for my self from others i just need an outlet to cope to because i hate constantly bother others i live with for reassurance either way thank you for reading and for those out there that are suffering just know that you re not alone and you will all live long happy healthy and successful life and your pain will soon pas god bless you all p for those wondering yes i got over covid", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 391, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0163", "text": "i have already had a bad start to my day i wa in a car line about to drop off my daughter and my foot accidentally left the pedal and i bumped into the car in front absolutely no damage or scratch left she come out immediately saying you stupid bitch n a bunch of profanity at me i have my kid in the car under yo and i m pregnant so i avoid all confrontation plus she s threatening to put her hand on me the cop come they give her my insurance info and a of now she ha already filed a claim with them the only thing i m stressing about is telling my husband he s so emotionally abusive and it just suck it wa an accident and i know he s going to talk mess to me i just wished i had a more supportive husband by my side i ve already had a bad day i ve already had enough emotional abuse at the hand of my mother and sometimes i feel like he s worse and i just can t continue living like this any longer he won t let me divorce him either i can only imagine the custody battle he will drag me through i have no job and no where to go no one to lean on i m just feel so stuck even if i did leave he physically won t let me leave with my kid and if i leave when he s not here i ll be scared of the threat", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 265, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0164", "text": "i m not sure if this belongs here so if it get taken down i get it about yr ago i went to visit my friend in eugene oregon for their graduation a day or two before the ceremony my friend palmer and genie bf and gf palmer s parent and his sister went to the river to go tubing to this day i wish i told everyone we should go home but we ended up going in anyway we tied the tube together and launched but within min my tube popped we were too far from shore and the rapid got u moving eventually all the tune but one or two were destroyed i used my height to dig my heel into the riverbed and held on to the string and wrapped them around my arm so everyone could readjust a well a get the parent on the remaining tube when i reased myself from the riverbed i wa still in the water merely hanging on to the string all i could do wa tread water and not let go i could feel the string tangling around my leg i did my best to counter the entanglement without letting go or rocking the tube i tried touching the bottom of the riverbed again to gain some stability but it wa too deep that scared me i m i wa on swim and water polo in high school and i even grew up by the beach but for some reason i freaked out and started to panic palmer s sister reminded me to keep treading and kept me in check with all that happening i wa still being slammed into rock and swallowing water if i remember correctly i think when the water were more calm i wa able to push the tube to shore but my memory is hazy we got on the road walked back to our launching point got in the car and went back to my friend s place i haven t thought of it much since that wa 0 i woke up this morning in tear every time i close my eye it s like i m under water looking up at the rippling surface i ve been scared to go in the ocean or any body of running water i understand if this post doe not belong here but thank you for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 418, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0165", "text": "i don t know what to do my body feel like it is in a constant state of panic my mind ha like a thousand thought in the same second and i feel each and every emotion from that thought at once all those emotion just group up into this constant literally constant state of anxiety when i wake up i am anxious when i go to sleep i am anxious when i go to school when i am with my friend etc i feel like i can not take it anymore it is so exhausting every night the only way i can fall asleep is consuming so much different medium at once i get tired and pas out which doe not happen until am whenever i think there is a root to this anxiety i fix it and it doe not go away like i recently started college and i wa nearly failing by middle of my first semester i worked hard and turned my grade around thinking that wa what wa making me anxious except my mind just find new thing to worry about i have been broken down to the point of asking for help on reddit i know you guy can t fix it but please someone tell me that there is something i can do i already see a therapist i am honestly not sure if she help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 233, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0166", "text": "i m so sick of life and the suffering and bullshit i have to go through just to get a small and short lived taste of fake happiness i want to kill myself but i m afraid that the light at the end of the tunnel is right there but it never is i just can t bring myself to do it and i hate myself for it i m stuck on the edge of just barley getting by and trying to convince myself to give up i feel pathetic even typing this anyone else going through what i am would ve found help by now and become a normal person not vented to a website since they feel like they can t tell anyone else i just want it to be over i don t know how i blew the opportunity of a life i wa given so many people do so much more with so much le but i wasn t given the tool to deal with this i m too emotionally and mentally weak i don t know what else the problem could be and i m not brave enough to choose the only solution and end it i hope this didn t bring anyone else down i know everyone out there ha it in them to be happy i m not sure about myself though i can t provide myself that same kind of confidence", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 240, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0167", "text": "hi you all my first post in here i have to write my story down i m curious if there are more people in this im a 0 year old student from the netherlands i want to become a teacher at primary school my education take year right now i m re doing the third year i struggle with my past i do not have had a save bonding with my parent and family and in that time i wa bullied at primary school at my th i got involved in a situation of sexual unacceptable behaviour that wa the last thing what made me stop for a short time with my study that year i had a lot of spare time and after that year i had to start again with that year of my education the hard thing about it is my problem are not solved in that year off i had therapy but it wasn t the right fit for me after the therapy i thought i could start over but right now i notice the problem are coming back again the situation is right now i have a lot to do for school in week there is a big deadline and it is almost impossible to fix the stuff i have to do there is a lot of work to do but i am not motivated at all to do something i lay in bed till pm or do something i like to do and isn t nessecary last week i went to the doctor to start therapy again i think that is a good start i really want to go on with my life but i am so tired of it all i want to stop not facing my problem and do something easy but that isn t the solution im so alone in this all i have told some friend but not my parent cause they will be so judgy after a year of doing le work than the other year for me it is very hard to go on to concentrate on something and to end it i m afraid i lost my dicipline and i know i have some other problem which i want to fix by therapy i feel like a failure and i m sad and mad a good friend of mine said it is normal that i am not motivated by the problem i have about my past and familysituation that i don t have to ask my self too much she is way more kind to me than i am to myself on the other hand i don t want to be too kind in some way i have to do more well this is the situaition i live in i wonder if there are more people who share a part of my situation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 487, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0168", "text": "idk what the fuck is wrong with me i can t fucking learn it feel so painful i can t concentrate i eat so much sweet until i want to vomit i m extremely depressed i can t do anything it hurt so much to be alive every day is so fucking painful to get through i want it to end so bad i m in a fucking nightmare i feel like a retard i can t ask for help i really don t know how i will get through anything i m at home all the time i have to join a university and learn but it feel like walking through fire wtf can i do i have appointment with psychiatrist but i feel like i should be in a fucking hospital fuck i want to fucking tell my mother but i fucking don t know what can i say i don t know how can i help myself i wish i had an easy way to kill myself i don t even know if anything can fix me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0169", "text": "hi all i m currently living through a nightmare situation and my anxiety is going through the roof i need some advice but mostly support me and my partner took a short trip to rome after a trip to england where i attended my sister s wedding we re both from the u and flew quite far i have a massive fear of flying but having my partner there to hold my hand helped a lot we were supposed to go back to the u today but were surprised at the airport when we were told we needed a negative covid test along with our vaccination card we ran downstairs to get tested and mine came back positive while hers came back negative the italian government required that i came with them and quarantine for seven day in a hotel my partner wasn t allowed to come we had to separate and she went on a different plane back home because there wa no reason to stay in rome for a ton of money when she wasn t allowed to see me at all i wa taken away in a van with dude in hazmat suit and placed in this quarantine hotel by myself the hotel isn t bad they give me plenty of food and water and it s free luckily for me to stay here but i can not stop cry i ve been here for hour and i just can t stop i m so scared i don t know when i ll be out of here so i can t time the end of my quarantine with another plane going back home and i m so so so scared i ll have to get home on my own somehow in a foreign country where people don t speak english very fluently i m stuck in this one room for six more day if i don t calm down somehow i think i ll lose my mind i may try some yoga and watch a many video on my phone a i can but i have so much time to do nothing but stew in my anxiety and cry and cry and cry i want to go home i feel so sad advice would be helpful and support a well i have a lot of people looking out for me but i know no one in italy at the moment so i feel very much alone right now and in case anyone is wondering my covid symptom aren t bad at all only symptom is a runny nose what s troubling me most right now is my extreme anxiety and stress", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 451, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0170", "text": "i m a m recently diagnosed with autism and adhd i have a long struggled with mental health i have attempted suicide a numerous amount of time been addicted to drug several time and i have given up completely my mum ha cancer and is going into surgery next week to have half of her lung removed my youngest brother ha non verbal autism and i think about what he might be like if he wasn t autistic and all the thing i would ve done with him one of my brother died six hour after he wa born from heart failure and the only memory i have of him is having my photo taken beside his corpse dressed in pjamas before he wa buried a a result i constantly breakdown whenever i remember or see anything from my childhood i wa bullied by my only friend group when i wa because i wa anxious about talking to my crush at the time and it got to the point where they made me extremely suicidal i wa then in an abusive relationship during the pandemic where i wa constantly gaslighted verbally abused emotionally abused insulted threatened with suicide and self harm a a result my severe anxiety and depression ha been increased to a point where i can t even go into school from how overwhelming it is i haven t been in since early february and i m on different medication for my mental health adhd and sleeping problem my life is so fucking miserable and i hate myself my inability to do anything and how i look i just want to completely tear my body apart from how disgusted i am being in my own body and i just want to kill myself more than anything a i know nothing will improve in my life and i will always forever be like this just getting worse and going down a further spiral", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 331, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0171", "text": "i recently accepted a new position a an hris analyst which i ve wanted for a long time but one thing i feared about the job wa all the meeting we have to lead with cross functional team presentation that we have to make i came up with a good solution to a problem a few week ago and have been configuring everything in our hr system but my manager informed me that before i can move anything into our staff facing system i ll have to present my idea to a team of decision maker i am freaking out i have practiced what i m gon na say wrote down a script anticipated a many question they might ask a i could to make myself feel comfortable but i just know when it s my turn to present i m gon na be shaky nervous heart racing and uncomfortable and i am dreading it any advice on how to get over this this is going to be a part of my job going forward we have to do this for every big project or implementation and i don t know if i have the ability to handle it i didn t realize it wa going to involve this much face to face time with people i just wanted to do configuration i d love to hear some success story or any advice you may have for getting through thing like this i m hoping with time and experience this get easier but i am worried it won t tl dr i have severe public speaking edit anxiety and have to present something to a team of people at work i am terrified and am looking for some good insight into how i can ease my anxiety", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 299, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0172", "text": "this week hasn t been any short of just sad i sprained my ankle on sunday and have been using crutch because of it i m on my college campus so getting to class ha been super difficult my ex and i went no contact on sunday and i ve just been cry over that so much because i still am very much in love with them and miss them so much over the past couple of week i ve been rejected from at least 0 job i wa waiting to hear back from this summer internship position yesterday i put my heart and soul into the application other people have received their acceptance email around 0pm last night but i have yet to hear anything and because they said they d reach out to u yesterday if we got accepted i can just assume that i didn t get the position that just feel like the straw that broke the camel back there hasn t been an hour within the past couple day where i haven t cried i just feel so hopeless and so alone i feel myself slipping back into depression and it suck so much i just don t feel like there s anything i can do atp", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 218, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0173", "text": "i have not felt normal in month i have not had a day in month my chest hasn t felt like it wa compressing on itself or a day that my heart doesn t thud through my chest i tried to figure myself out i tried to use resource but it so fucking hard to reach out when you feel like shit i attempted via shrooms to figure it out fucking stupid to some people i know half my trip wa good half i shook trapping myself into a corner a my jaw clenched the next day i felt great like i conquered something i told a friend that i didn t want to die i want to live two day later i am screaming in my room pissed off i hate myself i am actually going to go buy some fucking razor because my huge knife is dull it never going to end is it this fucking demonic shit will never leave me and it make me feel so horrible the dread of any task the feeling no one really want you there the anxiety you get when you talk to much about something your passionate about i can feel when someone distance themselves and they just did now my brain go a million mile an hour wondering what the fuck is wrong with me i no longer will trust anyone i can t take the feeling of it being able to end in disaster i hate my life i hate how i hurt people and can t fix them i hate how i stared in the mirror tripping ball but did not feel scared or mad or terrified i looked at a broken man trying to reach out and help the man i saw the stranger", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 303, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0174", "text": "i m a very confident guy i m very socal and can speak to anyone but for some reason i have this weird like i dunno anxiety attack thing so basically i could be having a random chat but quite often if someone say something that could be deemed wrong or bad or something that i could potentually be hiding when im not i go bright red really hot itchy and im all awkward and can bairly make word out even if they arnt even talking to me directly here is some example i wa talking to a fellow work mate about our personal preference in woman i said i prefer smaller petite girl with small boob and he said nahh i dissagree it like a child s body and boom my brain somehow ha this attack that make me seem like i like kid or another one could be playing never have i ever and someone say never have i ever sucked a cock and boom it ll happen itll make it look like im hiding the fact that i ve sucked a cock which i havent could be anything along those line and i hate it and i always try my hardest to avoid any convos which could lead to anything like that i m a prison officer so sometimes they bring up corrupt officer in convos and it hit me so hard and they look at me funny like im hiding the fact that i m corrupt which i m not i hate it what is this and how can i fix it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 279, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0175", "text": "i need some help badly i suffer too much my depression ha gone from a depression i wa able to function on i wa a everyday gym user ate well slept well grade were alright now my depression is horrific i tried the gym the other day and saw myself in the mirror and wanted to pick up a weight and smash my head in i don t eat i don t sleep i ve lost weight badly my hair is always ridiculed someone always go out of there way to speak to me or about me leave me alone i would bet money if you ask my couple of friend and my family doe he have depression they would say no way he s happy i m dying inside suicidal thought used to be a comforting thing for me whenever something bad happened i said i won t be here so it won t matter now it s getting to the point where it seems like my only solution i m such a gentle great soul why doe my brain treat me like a piece of dirt why doe my brain force me to thrive to look perfect i ve resorted to self harm i ve done it twice a month or two ago and it felt great i cut up my thigh badly i ve tried to not make that a habit tho i m just a year old kid how tf am i giving up already on life my beautiful parent and family and pet and i choose to be a disgusting loser i wish i didn t have such a amazing family so i didn t feel guilty i know this is long and i know people won t read this on a stupid reddit page but i had to vent my main reason for depression are body dysmorphia worst part and most crippling lack of social life fear of driving while everyone else doe lack of aspiration don t know what i m doing for college don t have a career choice lack of attention from opposite sex least painful one but it definitely hurt badly i ve never told a single person about depression can someone save my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 379, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0176", "text": "i m have fucked up my whole life and i dont really want to kill myself but im really running out of option when i wa 9 year old i wa diagnosed with borderline disorder and all my life i have been fucking everything up relationship friendship family member job my study i have been acting very impulsive and i have aways been blaming my disorder instead for everything i ded drug use victimless crime somehow i still have some principal left hooker now today s situation is i havent felt fine in year or something like that i am on the edge of getting myself in seriously debt i live in a small shitty appartement and the only thing that ha stayed with me during all these time is my weed maybe it sound retarded i dont really know but it true i even lost my momma on the way she is not dead just doesnt want to speak to me anymore i lost all my friend because of ly shit behaviour and lie i lost a relationship of year recently and to be honest i deserve it because i can blame my disorder or the drug or whatever deep down i know it were my action and my saying that fucked it all up i know it may not be the best solution but i feel like killing myself would most certainly be the easiest way out for me sorry if this storry is shit but i am high right now and my english isnt that good", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 268, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0177", "text": "so in december i wa admitted to a mental hospital after developing psychosis i only had delusion no hallucination they ruled out schizophrenia and left it at marijuana induced i have a medical card although fitting the timeline i received a covid vaccine and wa hit hard with covid a week later right before all of this i did research into what other reason cause psychosis and covid and or the vaccine actually ha caused psychosis due to neurological damage from the virus i have always struggled with anxiety and have been on lexapro for the last year although nothing could prepare me for the withdrawal i had when stopping zyprexa i reached a point where i had an existential crisis which lead to existential depression while trying to recover i m a person who hyper fixates on thing so of course i couldn t stop thinking what s the point of doing anything i lost interest in literally everything i wa prescribed wellbutrin which helped me out of bed but did not let allow me to just relax outside of work i used to love movie video game etc now i can t even enjoy those thing without being in my head about how much i dislike everything i m curious though i m stopping wellbutrin today and have been switching over to buspar and lexapro combination while on wellbutrin i couldn t get drunk or high no matter how many shot 0 within a few hour i m definitely not going to continue that habit but wa curious if anyone else had this issue and did it resolve once stopping wellbutrin i don t mind living a simple life i have a good girlfriend good family good job and live in a small town in oklahoma i own a gym so some of my hobby are lifting weight and doing yoga but i can t obviously do that i need to be able to turn off my mind and watch some television or game i m hoping once i start being able to smoke again i ll be able to start enjoying the relaxation of video game and television also how is buspar tldr had psychosis developed existential depression on wellbutrin but i can t get high or drunk will that resolve when stopping also how wa buspar for your obsessive thought", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 418, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0178", "text": "a i write this it feel so attention seeking like i am looking for a reason to stay a reason to feel i have all the reason right in front of me my girlfriend my best friend my dog however none of it matter i m drunk and all i want to do is die i m scared i m scared of how that will make my friend family and girlfriend feel how can i put them through that i wish i didn t care i wish i didn t care about their feeling i wish i could just go get a gun or in my car and resume back to the chapter before my birth sometimes surviving an event is the hard part me surviving life is the hard part it feel like i could go in forever forever knowing that it s just chemical in my brain that make me want to blissfully enjoy the enteral slumber that awaits u all medicine scare me what if it change who i am the last time i wa on the medicine i slept for the majority of the day unable to get out of the blissful slumber that carried away my thought and sorrow eventually i ll have the gut if i rid myself of everyone who care", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 223, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0179", "text": "i just need help man im quite a confident intelligent guy id say good looking and everything but the past year my anxiety is eating me alive might think what i say is weird but good luck i can do stuff but everything i do my body responds with anxiety i feel confident then my body stop me from being happy it like i need to be stressed all the time especially when im not alone anxiety make me tense up sweat panic oily face i feel dirty even thought i keep a real good hygiene just like that from just simply waiting in line at the store or just waiting in front of someone doing something during car ride i just instantly become awkward a duck i talk and everything cool but my body just feel tense a duck and it drain all my energy my face becomes oily because im stressing about my face becoming oily and im gon na panic and look sweaty i look and feel really uncomfortable just from being in front of someone for a minute on the sidewalk i feel like everyone looking at me how annoying i am and disgusting and i think i stand out from a normal person it just horrible people said im overthinking it and others dont really notice anything but i think they do idk im so lost", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 233, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0180", "text": "i m year old i started university like week ago at that time i wasn t feeling miserable or anything i wa a close to being happy that i have been in a long time but when the class started and i met the stuff that involves university made me feel depressed again i don t have any motivation i m studying something i already know i don t like and if i wanted to start another career i d have to end this year because of my university a regulation i don t really feel motivated i don t feel good and i cry almost everyday it s being super rough to me maybe i m exaggerating or maybe i m not but sometimes i don t wan na be here anymore if u know what i mean i don t know what to do to feel better i have my s o my friend my family but nothing help also i haven t had many good experience at therapy and the medicine make me feel even more depressed that i am", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 184, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0181", "text": "hi i m intense uncomfort in social setting worsening hygiene teeth pretty bad body pain from not eating properly anymore like almost fainting from the stair my body is really weak feeling too and like these fucking muscle twitching and joint pain no motivation just wanting to lay down fucked sleep and loneliness is making school suffocating i think body pain is the worst but even if i actually go to the doctor she ll just fucking tell me to eat better which i know that s the issue i m prob not going to do i m in charge of my meal and om mazy so i ve been eating frozen i just lay down everyday after coming home usually nap like usually my body feel like it s breaking down while i m there i always feel like cry at school which is fine but i have to keep dealing w this by myself is hard i m not realistically going whine about this to anyone i can t open up i tried to speak to the counselor but i only mentioned not eating properly so she just told me to eat and join a study group people don t like me generally esp adult so it s kinda no use fot me i have definitely thought about dying or getting beat up i prob won t but i m a bit stupid and hopeless at this point so my weekend i just lay in bed all day literally that s it my single parent father doesn t value thing like this it s just financial if i get hurt it s generally a burden which i m used to i just need to get my shit together", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0182", "text": "for the past month i ve been struggling with crippling anxiety that s manifested into some terrifying physical symptom and panic attack i ve gone to the er three time due to panic attack causing me to believe that i wa having a heart attack or pulmonary embolism my head gi system and cardiovascular system have been really angry with me a of late i ve had zero motivation for anything however today i managed to clean my kitchen living room and bedroom i ve vacuumed dusted did the dish did the laundry put away thing and am going to clean my bathroom considering my health anxiety s made me believe i can t do any amount of work without dying i think this is a success i just needed to celebrate that fyi i started 0mg prozac almost three week ago and i believe a lot of my symptom are my body adjusting to that i start therapy a week and a half from now and i have a med check the following day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0183", "text": "for reference i am f graduating college in may i grew up in a really shitty town and i worked really hard in school to guarantee i could get into my dream college and move to a city where i thought i would find more likeminded people college sincerely sucked i had terrible friend now don t really have friend don t really like my major scared that i only have qualification for a job i won t like and not to mention half of college wa online because of covid i am so terrified of applying for job and figuring out what i want to do with my life this wa literally my biggest fear going into school wa that i would waste year on a degree i don t love and don t know what i want to do i feel like applying to job is also accepting that i am no longer a student which ha been a huge part of my identity for what year i also think having college be a huge disappointment make me really nervous for everything else like the narrative that high school and college are supposed to be the best year of your life is pushed so much and both really weren t great i ve also heard it really hard to make friend outside of school which scare me a lot i feel like i have a few friend that i talk to occasionally but i don t think of them a my best friend or that i am overly close with them i think i am a nice and interesting person who care about others a lot and i don t understand why i have had such a long history of really horrible friend who never really cared about me literally had my best friend in high school pick the guy who sexually assaulted me over me i just am so scared that life won t get better it seems so easy for other people and i don t understand why figuring out life ha been so difficult for me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 353, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0184", "text": "so i am very fortunate that my husband ha financially provided for u while i have been going to school and working on my mental health i have one more year left and had to transfer for his job and determined that i would get something part time a well a finish my degree i applied to a school district job and got called back for an interview i m beyond excited and of course anxious i m trying not to pester those around me too much but my mind is reeling with all these thought a well a worry for me going back to work mainly if i ll be able to keep up to standard for a company and if i ll be able to communicate effectively in a professional environment a i have struggled with it in the past this could also be effected by the fact i m neurodivegent but i m not entirely sure the interview is wednesday i m going to journal to help get my jitter out and thought i reach out to other anxious individual who maybe had to deal with a similar transition also i haven t established a new therapist yet but that will be taken care of in the next few week so i need to talk about this somewhere tldr i m really moving forward in my life which is exciting but feel really anxious about it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 246, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0185", "text": "tw suicide yea so my recent symptom of depression wa that i thought i wa really really old i m lol there were numerous occasion where i had to convince myself of my actual age because my brain wa certain i m or had to count year from my birthday and repeat to myself over and over that i m i thought most of it wa because i m seeing a lot of successful people on social medium younger than me and because i m not finished with my uni yet because i m repeating a year but during therapy today i realized that beyond those reason i also had this subconscious plan in my head that i will barely make it past 0 like top and then i will be dead i have no idea where it came from i m not suicidal i don t think i ever wa but my brain seems convinced that by the time i m 0 i will develop suicidal thought and then before i will kill myself no wonder i thought i wa so old i have a little more than 0 year before my deadline lol and that s being generous idk why i wrote this i will probably delete this later i just needed to dump this info somewhere i don t want to worry my friend and family", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0186", "text": "well since i m too pusy to actually kill myself i ve just decided to tell everyone who care about me i ve past away from a random heart condition it s not like it matter i m clearly and problem and i m not worth their time of day anymore my friend are all long distance anyways it s not like they ll know my soon to be ex s mom wa right i am mental and she ha the right to not want that for her daughter and i respect that i honestly had myself fooled for a little while that i wa worth something and wa actually doing better i m never gon na be able to support her anyways i m a broke sorry fool with gas cost i can no longer afford to drive from the quad city to chicago to see you i ve failed a a man the pill only work so much it s not fair to you j that you have keep track of my suicidal as i honestly want to be able to be someone that can make you happy in the way i did and more with money and stuff i want you to finish college then go to medschool like you planned on i know you re going to make a great doctor i hope you ll be able to go back home to n c and see your family more this long distance isn t right for someone like you on top of it this isn t what someone like you need you were the most beautiful person i ve ever been with in everyway i m honestly glad for the month of an amazing relationship i m even more thankful for the year of friendship guess i just wanted someone to my reason out even though i know she ll never see this and they ll never see it i can t afford to be with you guy anymore i don t wan na be the friend with no money or boyfriend and such it s not fair i hope you don t mind i keep a photo of you guy that reminds me of why i m choosing to get better goodbye guy you re gon na be fine without me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 389, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0187", "text": "i beginning to think more and more that i am not suited for this life thing i don t think i wa ever meant to find happiness peace in this lifetime i think i wa set up to fail from the start i want the deepest of connection while i wa born with the frailest of heart the slightest touch i bruise a little pressure and i bleed there s no way this is going to work there s only a buildup of crushed expectation a i stuff myself back into the darkness deeper each time i won t last much longer never in my life ha anyone needed or wanted me a much a i them and that hurt i cling to the smallest of gesture am i crazy to think i m thankful to have met you mean being appreciated human to human i just want a piece of that closeness everyone else seems to have i just don t want to be alone for once not to be other is that too much to ask for or do i not deserve it what s the point i m never going to feel fulfilled in this lifetime anyways", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0188", "text": "i have two younger brother and they mean everything to me they ve come to an age where they can take care of themselves my excuse for not hurting myself wa them but now they started to grow distant and honestly every single piece of my life ha fallen apart even my mind feel torn a i realized i m becoming crazy i m having lot of harmful thought towards others i really don t want to harm anyone and i rather end my life before i do any harm but i don t want my suicide to make my brother fall into depression a i did i have 0 motif to be alive i do not like this world i do not like most of it s people everyone betrayed me and there s no one that give a shit about me anymore besides my brother i feel like i really have to do it i know i have to i just lack the ball this might be the cruelest thing to say in this reddit but i admire the courage of those that did suicide it s not easy and it s not the coward way the coward way is probably to keep living a i am this ha to stop", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0189", "text": "literally a im typing this im sat with my friend just feeling sorry for myself i said i would do something with them a i wanted to but when i actually started talking to them i felt like complete shit i havent said a word in about 0 min and it almost like there just this weird dead air 00 they can hear me typing this and know that it just me being quiet and not any other factor i hate myself in the sense that i agreed to do this but i just feel like a dick for not inputting anything they dont even really know that anything is going on because im too afraid to tell them too much so i just have this horrible feeling that they are starting to hate me and want to make me go away so they can actually enjoy themselves i think the worst part is is that i dont even blame them im really just not fun to be around anymore a i dont find anything overly enjoyable anymore i apologise if my punctuation or my spelling or whatever is off i just felt like i really needed to say something", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0190", "text": "i have a friend in another country who ha no one to turn to and is battling anorexia otherwise alone for the past month she s in a bad and worsening physical and mental state low key suicidal but ha the option of a stay in a treatment clinic however she s scared and ha all these reservation about going it s in a different city a train ride away for one thing she s an adult and there s no one who is able to arrange it for her i can t do it or i would family being no help no friend around her either this is new territory for me i m learning a much a i can about this illness but i don t know how to proceed here i want to urge her to make the phonecall all the time but i don t want her to feel pressured and shut down i m scared to even ask her if she s done it yet she talk about feeling worthless and undeserving of treament she question whether she s even that thin she is along with a bunch of other symptom she s a textbook case and she talk like she s ready to give up even though help is within reach what do i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 227, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0191", "text": "at this point i m just tired of living and i miss my old life i used to have a happy family with just me my mom and my dad then they had a kid 0 day later my dad dy of stage colon cancer he already had crohn s disease so i wasn t that surprised then my life slowly sank over the next decade my friend started to become toxic and my new stepdad hated me i got used to it recently i met this girl in school and i really like her we ve been talking a lot and i think she like me but i also keep having these dream that feel like lifetime these dream are about different people i know and they get to be so emotional i get attached to some random people i barely know and develop a life with them like a full blown 0 year of life these dream emotionally hurt me so much because then i develop feeling for these people in some of these dream i have kid and defend them emotionally from harmful family member it s stupid but it make me want to kill myself i just don t know what to do anymore i have these dream endlessly and i cry after every single one every single night i just had one about a random girl in my school i dated her and had a kid and everything i have to hide my emotion from my family every time i see them i just want to die and be done", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 269, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0192", "text": "i have severe eco anxiety sometimes it s so bad i have a breakdown and think how can i possibly go on with life if it s headed somewhere so awful i m always worried about my future ever since i wa a kid however most of the time when i m doing okay i want to keep living and i want to do what i can to make that happen i so often see people saying such morbid and pessimistic thing about the future like they ve already given up and i find this so disheartening i also don t think many people realize what this attitude doe to people mental health it is incredibly harmful this kind of opinion breed consequence and make more and more people feel the same way i just want everyone to think about what they say on the internet and how it can be harmful anger and negativity don t do any good so let s not waste time and energy focusing on the bad that wa done rather we should focus on what we can do and how we can help no matter how small the worst thing you can do for the planet is expect someone else to save it please remember it s never too late to save the planet edit i wanted to add something marketing it a powerful tool study have shown that fear mongering doe not work and just creates despair and inaction people need to believe the planet it saveable to save it so when talking about these issue please try to leave the intense negativity aside also i don t want everyone to feel like the world is on their shoulder i just want to do what i can to create a more optimistic attitude towards the future any small change you can make make a difference", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 319, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0193", "text": "i m and i ve wished i wa dead for the last two year of my life i pushed away all of my friend who could understand what i m going through i m failing all my class because all of my motivation and hope is drained i don t feel like i can tell anyone what i m really going through i had all the making of a perfect childhood i wa smart i had friend and i had a good family with enough money to live in a nice suburban neighborhood i threw all of it away because suddenly i didn t feel wanted any longer i don t know what to do anymore the thing ive used to cope are slowly being taken away in the hope my grade will rise i ve become emotionally numb to everything around me i don t think i ll ever find love because of how quiet and secluded i ve become i ve stopped trying to make thing better in my life i just needed to get some of this out so thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0194", "text": "i ve had a rough week with anxiety and one day i realized it s because i fear rejection judgment and i feel like i need to be perfect for some reason that made me feel worse the next day that same day i heard my best friend friend make fun of somebody stutter and he didn t realize i have a stutter i realized it s so easy to talk badly behind people back and that made me feel even worse i started asking myself how do i know who i can truly trust and i started asking myself if certain family member or coworkers would do this and if they devalued me a a person a i wa doing this i thought i feel crazy a couple day passed and i realized anyone can make fun of anyone about anything disability sexuality religion appearance etc this made me calm and i started to go about my business and forget about this stuff and then someone commented on a post i made about it and said they had a similar thought that lead to psychosis and paranoia psychosis is one of my biggest fear and a soon a i read that i wa on the edge of a panic of attack and it took a good 0 0 minute to get off of that edge ever since then my stomach ha hurt and i ve been so anxious and now i can t shake this thought it went from what if others talk badly behind my back to what if i believe they talk badly behind my back i know since i m worried i ll go crazy that s a good sign but since this thought wasn t originally formed by ocd doe that mean it s the onset of psychosis or doe the fact i fear it so much even if it wasn t cause by ocd mean i m still pretty sane or will i become paranoid no matter what now i legitimately feel crazy now and i can t calm down", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 352, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0195", "text": "so the next fall is deeper and harder to bear each time there s one little glimmer of hope i know that it s ephemeral and could be gone the next day but i can t stop myself from getting lost in it thinking maybe this time it could be real for a while and some time it doe lurking there for a while like just right then but when it s lost it s going down ten time worse than the last and the anxious and unbearable state i m in is urging me to destroy myself even more it s like being locked inside a transparent box full of insect and reptile crawling over me it s slowburn and icky and suffocating i just want to bite my tongue off quick to release myself from the situation but i m still scared of the monstrous pain that act would cause me and if i m not dead immediately it s grotesque i made a first post here a while ago just to let it out i don t think anyone would care but i got called a very nasty stupid word like i m always afraid would happen if i even complain in real life so i don t even want to talk about it right now i just can t take any more anxiety i don t even want to think about it and write them down anyway same shit all over again why don t i get used to it when it keep happening am i that weak it s like how dare you have depression and suicidal attempt if your life look like you re having a fucking blast believe me it s all a big facade i m putting up so i could delay the speed of this horrible decay inside me to feel a bit bearable to last one more day but nowadays i just stop giving a fuck and destroy everything in my life and lock myself inside my room i use humor and shit to cope so i think at least there s one good thing coming from this right now is that i couldn t eat a thing so i m getting thinner to bone and skin like i always wish and if i die right now i could look prettier than ever before i m glad you read until now and i do appreciate that it make me feel a bit bearable for now my anxiety level keep shooting through the roof i just try really really hard to not harm myself and fall to the pit again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 450, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0196", "text": "i don t know how to push myself and adjust to schedule and adult life no one wa really around to teach me i play video game a lot before it wa because i enjoyed it but now it s because i have nothing else to do with myself or other people i don t have any friend but even now i can t fit in online it feel like no one my age play game anymore they re focused on their life college school work i don t fucking have a life the only other human being i talk to is my dad when he get home from work which is only small talk since we re not very close it s been like this for year now i ve felt completely isolated from the world my entire life which is why i don t fit in why can t talk to people and why i don t fit into society standard i want to fucking die so bad i ve fucked up my life so bad i wasted my highschool year even if i have a whole life ahead of me i don t have the knowledge or will to get anywhere fuck it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0197", "text": "i got a new job two week ago it s going amazingly i m a cashier at a retail store before this job i mainly did stocking in retail but i needed a job and they didn t have another position open everyone there is fantastic and it s fully staffed unlike a ton of other retail job i ve had i feel really comfortable already they even asked if i wanted to be a supervisor so quickly because of how well i ve taken to it a downside would be that i don t love being a cashier you re kinda chained to a little spot and have to interact with hundred of people daily but i m managing i m also used to heavy physical exercise at work which i no longer have however i adore the people at the front end and have been invited to a hangout with them i m super extroverted but i m not used to this level of constant interaction however i m well liked by staff and customer in the moment through out the day for most part i feel safe and comfortable however once i leave is a different story i ve always been an extremely anxious person cripplingly so at work i can get overwhelmed but i m always able to soothe myself i don t usually freak out though once i get off i feel a wave of anxiety i immediately feel tense driving home i had a panic attack yesterday on the drive home to the point that i wa hyperventilating i can t seem to get myself to relax i go into fight or flight then my brain will search for literally anything to be worried about covid cancer my boyfriend leaving me my physical appearance declining i end up staying up all night worrying and freaking out i can t get myself out of the thought loop i begin to feel terror and existential dread yes this happened before i worked this job but it s worse now i can t get myself back down from it why is this happening any tip to bring myself in the moment after work", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 378, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0198", "text": "for the past year and a half i ve had constant tiredness fatigue and just haven t felt like myself i used to be pretty active always working on project excited about life for the last year and a half i just feel like a shell of myself tired and meh i m also hungry constantly i ve seen my doctor and a few different specialist and had plenty of blood work done including thyroid and everything ha been normal no sleep apnea no anemia no lyme my doc said we have essentially ruled out most if not all straight up medical cause of fatigue beyond the possibility i m just not getting good sleep due to underlying stress or anxiety hard for me to tell how well i m sleeping not waking up refreshed but i m in bed for hr a night i ve begun to wonder if i m simply depressed since everything else ha kind of been ruled out i don t feel very sad and i don t feel hopeless i don t lack the motivation to do all the thing i love i just feel too tired or lazy to do them but i really want to be my old self again if i could snap my finger and have my energy back i d do it in a heartbeat how do i know if i m depressed", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 239, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0199", "text": "i m so tired of this i don t even know where to start so i ll just say what come up out of the top of my head a i write this i came here so that i could vent about some college related stuff at the beginning of the semester i decided to enroll in class to pick up the pace and get on schedule to graduate i wasn t necessarily looking forward to it but i wasn t regretting it either until now that is since the start of the semester i ve been feeling like i just can t pay attention i find all my class to be extremely uninteresting and i don t even take note every week is just a struggle to get through it without any prep time for the next one i swear there hasn t been one week where i don t have any homework all five of my class have already given the first partial exam later than usual and a expected they were all essentially at the same time it wasn t until this week that all the result came back and obviously it wasn t pretty so for the first partial exam out of all five i got f s in of them a c pretty proud of it actually and a b i know that perhaps i haven t been trying my hardest since i really don t pay attention in class i watch the recording and study for them later but i wa devastated regardless i spent countless hour studying for them only to see failure hit my liver i have so little energy that i can t even cry about how i failed the first exam of of my class i ve been so stressed out that a rash started popping up in my neck and chest i ve never been failing this hard in my life and frankly i m scared i can t show my true emotion because i don t want anyone to worry and i can t talk to my therapist because of the time my study consume at the end of the day all i feel is anxiety and the despair of having to repeat class and be even further behind schedule for graduation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 386, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0200", "text": "it s so strange waking up everyday with this sense that you want thing to go back to the way they were like your brain ha it own lil trumpster lying to you telling you your childhood wa better before or you were happy before you started this job etc the truth is it s always sucked though lol there are brief moment now where you feel like thing are okay but it s more of a lack of feeling i ve always thought i wa broken because this ha been my constant state since i wa so small i thought i d grow out of it or i wouldn t but life only continues to throw curveballs to others i seem high functioning though kind of emotional but i can t get myself to focus on anything i can t wake up on time for work i work in insurance sale so i hate what i do i have to pretend to care about people and their problem but it just hurt so bad all of the time i know my boyfriend doesn t understand he s in medical school and ha his own struggle but i know he feel love he tell me he doe i don t and even if i do see briefly in his eye that he doe care for me i quickly forget depression ha made me into a terrible person i should be so lucky to have someone who love me so much to have my look my wit and the opportunity i ve been afforded but i can t help but feel so completely destitute he ha helped me find some confidence in myself with pursing going back to school but i m just so tired of it the sale call the application car issue bill health stuff and every other fucking thing when will i be able to do the thing i need to do like eat meal a day have the energy to learn new thing exercise also ha anyone had any luck with any online therapy medication consultation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 354, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0201", "text": "if you d like to know my particular situation see my last post in r personalfinance to summarize i have intense anxiety about graduating college i don t think my anxiety would be so bad if it weren t for my parent telling me how hard life is and trying to give me nonsensical advice on what i should do such a getting an apartment before getting a job it may be important to note that they are not successful adult in term of career finance if i had to describe myself in one word these day i d say scared i m scared of so much and most of the fear is irrational spiraling thought i ve always been successful in school but i m so scared that adulthood is just too hard everyone tell me how hard it is i think i m making the right decision but i m so so so unsure of myself this ha been making my daily task really hard small task have become insurmountable there s phone call i ve been putting off i do all my assignment right before they re due and most of all it s so so hard to think plan for my future after graduation i start cry get super brain fog my stutter intensifies a ton and i hyperventilate then i tell myself i m not in the right state of mind to make decision right now so focus on dealing with the anxiety so i m turn i feel unprepared for my future the thing is i do have a plan a detailed in my last post i feel like i m in a fine position for someone my age situation i just overthink constantly thank you all for letting me rant please comment if you have any advice or kind word", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 321, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0202", "text": "i don t know what happening i really don t know i don t even know if this is the right group to be typing this to but if anyone can help please do i m your everyday 9yr old who is currently in university growing up i d say i wa a very extroverted and out going person but after covid and moving to a whole new area for uni not knowing anyone my whole personality changed or at least the true me came out which is being introverted and shy and not liking to go outside and everything i do go outside when there s a lot of people in campus s or i meet new people or the teacher asks me anything in front of everybody i overheat and get very itchy and i mean very itchy it s feel like i m getting pinched all over my body and it happens all the time when i m around people i ve never had this issue before and i don t know what it is it first came around last summer so i said to myself maybe it s just the heat and i m also an athlete so i just blamed it on that and now that winter came around the exact same thing happens then maybe i though it s me and i m dirty so i start having shower a day and that did nothing i really don t know what to do if anyone know what this is or why it s happening please tell me it s really effecting me to the point i don t want to leave my house", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 289, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0203", "text": "i ve been on med for a few year now which have worked for the most part up until last year i contracted an illness which gave me stomach problem and the issue ha kind of persisted ever since my health ha never been great eating disorder and weight issue mainly a well a really unsightly skin but this stomach issue ha taken what life i had away and now a much a i m not screaming and cry about wanting to die it almost feel like a logical step at this point i want to live i want to have a life and live it freely to the fullest but i m trapped now in this body and have to cancel most plan i do make if i couldn t work from home i d probably be jobless and the work that is site based i let people down on a lot which i hate i feel like a failed experiment of a human that should just be put in the bin i feel guilty because of the somewhat privilege i do have but that s still not been enough i ve failed myself and now my body is failing me there s also a history of cancer and tumour in my family which make me scared that i ll lose the ability to use my limb just like my mom and i don t have anyone in my life to take care of me like she doe what s the point in just sitting around and waiting for that time to come every week is a fight to get back on track but it s always step forward and or back i m scared to die but i don t feel like i have a choice i m just putting off the inevitable i don t even know the best way to do it i m even too much of a coward there s always been this one little bit of hope holding me back but that light of hope is getting dimmer by the day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 352, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0204", "text": "hello i hope you are having a good day i have been suicidal for the last year at least i am 9 male idk if that matter and i never told anyone about it because well i am too shy today i built enough strentgh to be able to open up about my suicidal thought to my mother just to feel absolutely destroyed by her reaction she immedately asked if i am autistic no joke and didnt stop saying that i wa telling her this to threaten her or make her feel guilty i wa very confused when i heard that and she still continued doubting my academic performance even though i told her many time i am still doing well in my study then finally she somehow ended up beating me up out of rage telling me that i am lazy that i dont help at home that i dont pay the bill that i dont get the highest grade making feel me like i am burden to everyone well i guess that must be true right i am worthless so i should disappear soon trust me i want to die really badly but i get slapped by reality and i realize how weak i am when i try killing myself i am sorry for being such a disappointment to everyone i am truly sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 233, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0205", "text": "so i have a mild stutter and i just had an epiphany i ve been letting my stutter control me but i found something amazing out i let my stutter define who i wa a a person instead of an aspect of myself it s so bad that when my parent talk to me like a normal person i d think to myself wow they act like i m normal despite my stutter they see past that and when i would work people would see my name tag and say oh i have a son named my name and i would think he probably doesn t stutter tho i let this define who i wa a a person and i let it really get to me i wa looking at old reddit post from other people asking how people view stutter and most people said they didn t care at all and even found it interesting some even said it wa hot cute made joke sound more natural and a a result more funny not like they found the stutter funny tho and one even said they were turned on by it and someone said something that stuck out to me they pretty much said how you perceive yourself is how others will so if i see myself a weird and anxious i will act that way and be perceived in that way but if i see myself a confident and charismatic and just act like my stutter doesn t bother me and even joke about it then others will perceive me a such this blew my mind a i thought everyone didn t pick up on my stutter at first and just thought i wa super weird but it s just me convincing myself of that so even tho this clicked i still can t just flick the switch off so how do i actually become confident with my stutter it s very mild and is fueled by anxiety so if i can get rid of my anxiety it ll in my opinion make me sound more charismatic and confident so i really wan na figure out how to just own it how do i do this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 370, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0206", "text": "i just fucking hate my self i m turning into a fucking loser i ve recently pushed my girlfriend away by being a fucking depressed loser i fucked it all up just by not trying hard enough and i hate myself for it she wa the only person who actually loved me and now she doesn t want to see me anymore i don t know why i m surprised how could i be able to maintain a serious relationship when i can t even show up to work on time i never thought i would ever find love but i did and i fucked it all up fucked up the only good thing i had in my life work suck life suck and i m just soooo fucking over it i m not cut out for the ups and down of life i m just not cut out for life in general i m a fucking lost depressed loser that at the end of the day ha nothing to be proud of tonight i really just want to kill myself and end this hell i don t think i can take this shit anymore man", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0207", "text": "skip to the end for my main point lol i m the worst overthinker i must think of all possible bad outcome so i can prepare myself for them obviously all it doe it cause extreme anxiety and exhaustion i m a big what if person and my what if s are always negative yay for catastrophic thinking when stressful thing happen my mind run nonstop it feel like a tornado in my head and i can t get a grip i can not sit with uncertainty and i feel like i need to solve issue right at this moment because i feel stuck so i write down my thought i really like the mantra of cross that bridge when you get to it in my current situation i keep telling myself that but a i wa writing my thought out i wrote something to add to that that is helpful to keep telling myself i just thought i d share in case it can help anyone else when i start thinking what if i try to stop myself and say i don t need that bridge yet i m still in traffic here s what i came up with you are building bridge to place you may not even go to and it s waisting energy you don t have to drive anywhere right now you re just in traffic right now traffic doesn t last forever even though it may seem like it eventually thing will get moving and you ll get to where you need to be if you come to a bridge you can decide if you want to cross it or go another way either way you choose you ll end up where you need to be", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0208", "text": "last week i went on a spring break trip it wa fun but triggered a lot of anxiety in me i took a 0 mg edible gummy when i returned home from spring break i m new to the gummy world so it somehow hit me way harder than any other time i ve taken them the next day i still felt high which i ve noticed ha been normal for me when i take the gummies i felt off though like i had been drugged or something i slept the rest of the day to try and get it to wear off the next day i wa concerned i wasn t back to normal i felt like i wa dreaming i kept telling my boyfriend and family something wasn t right with my head and something wa wrong with my mind it wa scary for me i already get bad thought occasionally so i wa worried i would do something bad i couldn t feel anything taste anything or smell anything i literally slept the entire day and the next day i m only just now feeling more myself but i will go into these zone where i lose track of time am having trouble forming word and can t think clearly i skipped school on monday because i started to panic and cry my dad wa going to take me to a doctor on monday and i started cry and told him to call my boyfriend to bring me back home i went to see my doctor yesterday and am talking with a psychiatrist it s really scary can anyone who s experienced talk to me about this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 285, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0209", "text": "it been like this for so long and my first problem ha always been there it will never go away if i were to change this problem i wouldnt be me anymore it started when i wa a mute child now i have social anxiety and depression i never received treatment the first time when i wa and got prescribed and then they stopped suddenly i dont have anything i dont even have a friend to tell nor an adult i cant just seek help i dont trust anyone at all and im far too scared to even speak about it because i go silent when i have to talk about thing like this im so i have no way to seek help for myself i dont have any friend at school and i havent had any for year every time i try to make one i just cant keep up and it so exhausting trying to talk and i just never speak again a lot of people hate me i wa verbally bullied in some school no one wa ever there to help me ive been alone for so long it been getting so much worse with constant de realization severe intrusive thought and at this point i cut myself everyday i genuinely dont see a future anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 221, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0210", "text": "this is nothing new for me and it doesn t really have a chance to come out now because i ve been out of school for about four year and i don t really go out in public much at all but from elementary school to high school i think it even happened when i wa attempting college too when walking down stair my leg would get so stiff that it wa impossible to walk down the stair properly and i wa always scared that everyone could see how my leg were bugging out like that and it made me even more anxious even if no one wa in the stairwell with me or even just one other person it would happen one time i got a friend he wa and i m to carry me down the stair because my leg were just not having it also all my life i have day where i felt like i wa just floaty and floating outside of my body i also felt like whenever i felt this way something bad would happen to me or someone else this feeling last all day and maybe even until the next day i don t know what this is i know other people have this too so could you tell me what it is also also several time a day i ll get really nervous and my heart will feel like it jumped and i ll have a scared feeling for a few second today i even had a weird small pain in my stomach that went a long with it but went away some second after my heart jumped and the scared feeling went away the tummy pain ha never happened before also also also i sometimes wake up feeling really nervous and scared even though nothing ha happened sorry for this really long post i tried to space it out so it would be a le intimidating big wall of text", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 333, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0211", "text": "ha anyone had a panic attack for the first time or not even necessarily for the first time but just a bad one and it changed their anxiety physical anxiety symptom i had my first ever proper panic attack in january of this year it wa awful and i went to a amp e thinking i wa dying a bit over a month went by and i wa fine but then suddenly out of nowhere i got an insane head rush when i wa trying to sleep it disappeared when i opened my eye then came back again when i closed them it caused me so much distress and i had no idea what it wa i wa having anxiety attack and wa in a constant state of alertness and worry ever since then i ve had constant light headedness brain fog just feeling completely spaced out type of feeling i ve been on constant alert wondering if i m feeling dizzy spaced out and it s just progressively gotten worse from there i feel tired all the time and mildly disassociated it s honestly ruining my life i ve had multiple test done and they ve all come back clear so i m wondering is this all just my anxiety having gotten worse after that intense panic attack i need to know if these physical symptom are due to anxiety or not any help is really appreciated lt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 243, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0212", "text": "so four year ago i met this guy online we hung out quite a bit from october 0 until may 0 9 we hung out almost every single day so in a nutshell he had a problem with drug and mental health issue and went to jail in june 0 9 he ended up being sentenced to three year in a mental hospital from online court record i knew he wa getting released this month about two week ago i looked at his facebook and he had like 0 more friend than the last time i looked i also noticed he had commented on someone s status anyway he posted his new number on there a couple day ago i thought about texting him but i don t know if i should i would really like to see him again but my sister is telling me to stay away from him i m not friend with him on facebook i only knew the guy for a year so maybe he won t even remember me what do you think", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 187, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0213", "text": "hi everyone it s my first time posting on this forum i m really in a bad spot wondering if my anxiety ruined my situationship and would love to talk it through with someone if anyone could message me i d really appreciate it here s a bit more color on the situation we were good friend started talking in december hooked up beginning of february got into a disagreement the next weekend at a bar because this girl who he had hooked up with previously wa all over him and it made me visibly very uncomfortable we spend the next week talking every day but not seeing each other i definitely try to initiate a few hangout so doe he but le so and it didn t really work i know he s also talking to other girl a well but continues to tell me that he really like me and just want to keep getting to know me better last saturday we hook up he again tell me how much he like me and that he doesnt want to play game thursday i ask him over snapchat if he want to meet up for st paddy and he doesnt answer we end up at the same bar i make a comment saying ohh i thought you said no game just teasing he get upset and think i m trying to have a feeling talk with him at a bar while he s drunk we flush it out over text the next day and i ask him if he want to hang out this weekend he say we ll see and that he ha some plan already we end up bumping into each other again on saturday this time we talk the whole afternoon but i can tell he s le flirty more withdrawn he s going to a concert so he leaf i tell him later we re all going out to this bar he like and he heart the message this morning i snap him and ask how the concert wa no response obviously i need to leave this man alone at least for a little bit but i feel like back the first time we hooked up he wa so so into me then i ruined it by being jealous at the bar and by continuing to only pursue him i got complete tunnel vision i should have just left him alone and maybe he would have come to me but now i ve put so much pressure on the situation it doesn t help that my roommate who is his friend tell me constantly how much he doesn t actually like me and that he s just a player", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 464, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0214", "text": "i m so sorry fernanda today i took different pill i don t know if it ll hit me in a few hour or when i close my eye and go to sleep maybe i ll survive i took what i have in the medication cabinet and today might be the day i give up fernanda my beloved i m so sorry i m dragging myself and my system to death some shout in my head saying they don t want to die that there ha to be another way but they aren t the host they can sit in the innerworld without a care but i live most of my life fronting my head hurt a i type this and i feel strangely calm with my heart slowing down to a normal pace something i wasn t used to anymore due to my sickness fernanda my love even if you don t read this i love you so much i mean everything i said in that message you make me the happiest man in the world and your support to be by my side made me feel a if i can continue just a tiny bit but i m so tired i can t continue studying and i can t do my passion you make everything so worth it i want you to live life with your fullest energy thank you for shining a light in my life i love you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 247, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0215", "text": "i m tired of having this literal disease that i consider depression i feel trapped a if i m in a prison cell i m desperate to get out of it especially now more than ever but all it doe is keep me back even if i try to escape and become a properly functioning human being depression beat me down like a prison guard with a baton it hold me back keeping me from flourishing and becoming that best version of me that i so wish to be i don t feel like i m able to connect with anyone i have no friend or anyone that care about me in a more than friend way it s hell being an infp like myself i seek connection that is long lasting and strong i m getting help soon but i wonder to myself what if the medication don t help what if they don t keep the depression at bay enough to allow me to live in the moment and happy will all this desperation be for nothing i don t want to fight anymore if it end up being the case im weary but i have just enough fight in me to try one more time i want to put my life together i want to be happy i want to get to a point where i can look back and appreciate that i fought my way to success i just want to be to really exist instead of live every day trapped in my own mind while my body is on autopilot giving fake smile and telling lie that i m okay i m not okay i never wa depression is the worst don t you agree", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 293, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0216", "text": "i wa always considered lazy by my friend and teacher growing up i never did the chore around the house or clean my room now im and i realise im just like my father he ha no friend he sleep all day except of when he is working he drink every night he never go out except of work and grocery he doesnt care about his appearance or hygiene my mom and sister always despised him and they have been mean to him because he doesnt do anything around the house and now they started treating me badly too my sister look at me with disgust they compare to my fater to insult me the truth is im extremly lazy i sometimes skip school because im too lazy to shower get up early in the morning and get dressed and all that stuff if i dont leave the house i dont even brush my teeth or shower my room is a mess and it doesnt really bother me that much it s just that im ashamed being disgusting doesnt bother me is that okay oh and i sit in bed all day i do study for school so i dont fail but i do it from my bed the thing is i am not lazy enough to eat i actually eat too much i do wish i would die sometimes but i think it is because i dont really enjoy anything except of being online all the time i am just too lazy to do anything else i dont know i might just be mentally lazy throwaway because i dont want anyone to see that on my main and thank you if u have read this far", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 291, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0217", "text": "i m yo female i just graduated in november and been diagnosed with depression and anxiety i always thought graduating wa great cause i always wanted to start a career and i can finally be a real adult plus my symptom were getting better and my shrink decided that i don t need med anymore shortly after i graduated i got a job were i basically create tiktok video for a company i thought i would enjoy this because i do really like being creative but they asked for too much video in a day with great quality not just simple tiktok type video and i had to basically do everything alone it took the joy out of something i truly passionate about plus they didn t pay me enough so i had to quit then i got a c job for a hosting company that pay well plus i can work from home which is a huge plus i thought it wa okay but oh no they didn t train u well to handle customes with their technical issue and i don t have a tech stem background and the workload wa scary for a fresh graduate even one of my co worker who had a computer science degree quit at the second day of the job i tried to suck it up but it worsen my depression and anxiety symptom that were practically gone were coming back to me i cried everyday because i keep thinking i m stupid and inadequate one day i had a panic attack in the middle of my shift and i decided that it wasn t worth it anymore so i quit not working wa so freeing but gave ne anxiety and depression a well because i see so many of my peer already starting their career and they seem to be able to suck it up so i had to apply for a new job tomorrow wa my first day and my last job really traumatized me i cried thinking that i would feel like that again feeling trapped again inadequate and stupid and just overall feel like shit plus thinking that we all have to do this for practically the rest of our life is fucking scary do you have any suggestion or anything you can say", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 391, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0218", "text": "so i ve been working really hard this last year on overcoming mdd agoraphobia and social issue over the last year i ve gone from making it out of the house for hour a month long enough to go to the doctor and grocery shopping to managing 0 hour a week i m still working up to doing thing on successive day it usually take a day or so to recover otherwise thing start getting rough but it s significantly better than before not advocating this approach it s what worked for me and may not work for others i had a lot of sensitivity to what wa being prescribed and it wa causing more harm than good talk with a professional before doing anything medication related part of what seemed to help wa getting away from medication over year we tried or so different thing and it just didn t work well now the hardest thing i do is caffeine and multivitamin there is a noticable difference in energy level and depression if i go more than a few day without vitamin so if you aren t taking any you may want to look into them i had been pushing thing the last couple month and wa starting to have burnout issue it wa hard not to a i felt like i wa starting to break through thing i m working at a different approach now just going until i start to feel uncomfortable and stopping if it s feasible rather than pushing until i have a full panic episode i m not getting a much done every day but so far i m starting each day more consistently it a little difficult stopping when i feel like i can keep going but i m hopeful that the better consistency will be more productive in the long term a bad a thing were a couple year ago to where they are now give me hope for others too i wa going to bed praying for death and cursing every morning i woke up i have hope and have truly started to love myself if you re going through a hard time thing can get better love you all take care and be well", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 384, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0219", "text": "hi i m year old student who s moving abroad for university i moved when i wa 9 the first year wa super exciting and everything is going better than ever but since i started the real university i wa 0 y o everything is crashing down for me i don t have any spirit or willingness to study make friend or even do everyday job i always sleep and just do nothing else i changed my major once and changed to my favorite major but still i can do nothing i m always tired i feel like i m a useless potato who s just wasting everybody s time i only did exam in the span of year i can t concentrate at all i miss my old self i used to be the top student since i wa a kid and i don t know why am i like this right now my uni is a mess i have no friend and i don t even have the energy to try to fix those what should i do drop out isn t an option for me doe anybody have any suggestion thank you and sorry for my bad english english isn t my first language", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0220", "text": "she asked me to go out and do thing outside of school which i don t do often she s so nice and cool and creative and i care fo her so much but i feel like i should just leave her alone im such a terrible person ive done and said so much messed up stuff and if she knew who i really wa she would hate me im a fucking shit head emotional manipulator i cut my arm and palm to shit just hoping that she would notice and comfort me or tell me to stop and she didn t notice and now i want to cut myself more for being an idiot and thinking i could get someone to care for me by ruining myself she d probably be disgusted by my scar anyway i wish i could go to therapy or get help but i can t and at this point i feel awful all the time and i just can t do it anymore im gon na kill myself soon probably this year whenever i fuck up to the point all my inhibition about death are gone thank you to the people that dm d me on my last post i didn t respond to one of you but i appreciate it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 218, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0221", "text": "apology if this is confusing i m having an anxiety attack while writing this like most people at the start of the pandemic i got sent to wfh which eventually turned into permanent wfh i loved it my job doesn t involve speaking with people unless it s on my own time and i m only in charge of a handful of people and only deal with the people who need the most help i got to sink into my own little bubble and it s coming back to bite me i ve realized my social anxiety ha gotten so much worse than it ever ha i have so much fear just speaking to other people that i feel insane acting like this recently a promotion became available and i don t want to apply i made the dumb mistake of telling my partner about the opening and he s pressuring me to do it i feel physically sick at the idea of doing this some of it is because i m going to be judged but a lot of it is because i will have to do more in the sense of talking to people i can t get away with meeting a month with people i already know it will be constant employee contact and even meeting with people i don t know i m stressed if the pandemic had never happened i could do it i use to be able to flick a switch and become a whole different person at work who only had minimal anxiety now because home is work i can t feel that separation i try to make my work in a different location within my house but it s not easy with my house set up i know i m going to have to do it whether i want to or not because we need the money and the benefit also i wouldn t be able to forgive myself if i didn t at least try but i m so scared i m worried if i do get it that i will be having constant anxiety attack until i m use to the job i just don t know if i can mentally handle that i m worried if i don t get it i will just be constantly overthinking and causing myself anxiety over not being good enough it s a lose lose situation for me and there isn t anything i can do i just want to run away and bury my head in the sand but i can t so i ll do it knowing the consequence and hope for the best", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 448, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0222", "text": "to preface i would like to apologize in advance for any posting informality this is my first reddit post i just graduated university in may of 0 and received a job at a global digital marketing agency agency life a a first job wa too emotionally taxing for my well being and gave me extremely bad performance anxiety i quit this job right before the start of 0 and have been looking for a job since i briefly had a job in february of 0 however a close friend of mine offed himself and i wa fired for taking time off to grieve due to this i started taking prozac and visiting a therapist once a week thing were going fine until i decided to drink on prozac one night and have a psychotic episode this episode caused me to get extremely aggressive towards my roommate for no reason i wa running down a list of accusation some true and some untrue however my girlfriend worried for the safety of my roommate decided to slap me in hope to end the episode terrible idea i know amp we have no history of domestic abuse this lead me into a meltdown where i called the cop trying to get her arrested for assault along with spewing false detail of thing that i wa hallucinating the cop soon realized i wa having an episode and luckily didn t press charge and talked me somewhat down from being aggressive once they left i packed up every item i own and drove hour to my family s house i don t remember anything until i wa almost finished packing my stuff i severely hurt my roommate and girlfriend i don t think about coming back because of how overwhelming the guilt will feel i m not sure what i should do and my brain is focusing on the permanent solution i guess the reason for this post is to ask for any advice or tip i didn t want to drone on regarding other incident so i ll leave a list below of what s happened in the past year cut off abusive parent experienced a few other meltdown due to work school stress lost a ton of friend due to self isolation took too many psychedelics which ha given me bad general anxiety wa arrested and impulsively moved halfway around the u before i wa ready to life for the past year ha gone continuously downhill for me i can t realistically see a way out of this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 440, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0223", "text": "every single day i just wake up miserable and an insane urgency to immediately end myself everything is just empty now nothing really get me excited and i don t even have anyone to talk to cuz most of my friend are just not that close my family is much worse a nobody ever care about each other i have a father but i don t have any father figure cuz he wa and is never there for me ever i can t even share anything to anyone cuz everyone just tell me that it s normal for people my age to experience the thing i am going through i just absolutely hate my life and everything i literally have no will to live i even sometimes subtly and unintentionally put myself at dangerous situation to like somehow get myself killed even though everyone just say it s normal to experience these at my age i don t see anyone my age talk or even behave the way i do i also hate the fact that i am self aware of every way i am behaving but still can t seem to help myself fix those thing i really really really hope everyone is living better life than me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0224", "text": "so i have finally come to realize that i have had this fantasy that i have a family that care my mother ha her own issue bi polar my mom life partner just doesn t care and tell me to get over it my sperm donor of a bio dad remarried and ha his own family now and is ecstatic about his grand kid i feel like i wa the throw away tossed out with the garbage when it come to my parent it ha taken me 0 year to come to this conclusion why did it take me so long when my sister said f ck you when she wa hope is the only thing i can come up with to answer that question they say blood is thicker than water when it come to family i now disagree i have finally come to the conclusion that my parent can kick rock if they fell off of a cliff i would watch them fall some would say that is a heartless thing to say about your parent but i am done done placing myself in a situation that allows my heart to be trampled by one that claim to love me or one i would think should care all of these thought and outcome in life have lead me to being suicidal and depressed i am now working hard to manage my thought of suicide and depression first thing is to get my finance in check pay down my debt so i can become financially free to do what i want with my money second and really while i am working on my finance lose some weight and get my physical health back on track it is time for me to start living this life i have been gifted with and see were it take me all i ask of you is your support and prayer if interested check my profile from time to time a i make journal entry posting them to my personal profile god bless i love you all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 347, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0225", "text": "she is such a narcissist and not a very loving person i m and she treat me like a child i ve grown up to be such an insecure perfectionist because of her she act like i can t do anything for myself i had a job interview for something that i really want and she tried coaching me on what to say and to memorize it so i nail the interview in the way she want me to if i get the job it ll be because of her and tell me all about how i should be grateful that she help me but if i don t get it it s because i didn t do what she told me to say and did what i wanted to do any time i have an achievement it can never be because i did something right it make me so anxious to think about her approval and her reaction because if i don t get this job i already know the lecture that s going to come with it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0226", "text": "i m so tired i really wish i could like myself i feel like all my thought are so complicated i can t do anything for myself every thing i do is for others yet i feel like such a selfish emotionally cut off and unempathetic person and i hate myself for it i have such high expectation for people and i get sad when they don t meet them i feel like that isn t normal i hate it i hate that i create scenario in my head of how people are going to treat me good and when they don t do what i expected i get sad that doesn t feel normal why am i like that i hate doing good and then falling into a dark hole that s so hard to get out of it feel like it s never going to end i m so tired i hate myself so much i just wish i could love myself i feel so shut off and all i want is someone to just hold me and tell me it s okay that s something i hate about myself too that i want people shouldn t i just feel happy alone am i too codependent am i ill am i too obsessive and optimistic in the worse way i m exhausted because of these thought i m so tired of my anxiety just myself it feel like everything that happens is all my fault even when i try to do good i m a bad person i try to do good for myself and i hurt other people i can t handle that i just want to love myself i can t figure myself out i m so so so tired", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 299, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0227", "text": "from an external point of view i have the perfect life i have worked really hard my whole life i studied hard in school got scolarship for university in my late 0 making figure have a beautiful house and a caring partner but i have rarely felt happy in my life i don t remember the last time i wa genuinely happy since about year ago my mood started going really downhill and right now i am at a point where even eating or taking a shower is a chore i drag myself everyday to work and do bare minimum and now i am scared that i might lose my job but then again i can no longer force myself to do any work i feel like i have used up my energy and passion most of the night when i go to bed i fantasize about not waking up and how nice it seems i am completely empty of any feeling and feel nothing toward my partner i am taking medicine and working out at least time a week but no good i also fantasize about breaking up with my partner but i m afraid i am gon na regret it cause i will be completely alone i am so done with everything i just wan na feel some taste and color in my life again but i feel like it might never happen", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 240, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0228", "text": "i have no trauma or especially horrible experience it took me yr to even admit to myself that i m most likely depressed i thought that i would write down my feeling but my mind resonated that to writing a suicide not i m proud of myself for stopping when i realised that it made me feel worse i feel lonely i have friend who i trust care for and can talk to yet it s impossible for me to tell them about any of my true feeling because even i cant understand what s going on in my head i feel guilty for thinking that one of the main reason for my behaviour is my family they have always emotionally neglected me treated me a the dumb kid invalidated any feeling i expressed and my mother is physically and verbally abusive i barely share thing with them and nowadays they ve started scolding me for telling them anything because apparently i m too pessimistic my sister seems to be using me i have always been there for her and listened to her when she needed while she is there for me if i need help with study and shit she never even make an attempt to listen to me because apparently that s a therapist duty and she isn t my therapist i can t cry i can barely feel thing at this point i m like a zombie my mental state usually deteriorates in the summer and summer is here i can sense the decline my only friend who i can physically meet and am comfortable sharing deeper detail about myself to seems to understandably freak out when it come to suicide related topic if it involves known example basically joke and stuff are fine but he seems to get a bit perplexed if i mildly hint at my suicidal nature this is just a rant i have a terrible tendency to bottle thing up in such a way that i forget about it i will probably feel better by the end of this day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 352, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0229", "text": "i m coming back around from a deep hole of depression out of the last couple day maybe some of my hardest my life is a whirlwind and i accidentally got off my med for day one day off will really throw me didn t even realize that i didn t take my med until thing calmed down that th day i wa posting here yesterday and some of you really helped me out i m on the other side of it now and just want to thank this sub it wa a brutal low that lasted for sooo long i m on the other side now if i could go back to tell myself anything it s this hold on yes life suck but your brain is lying to you you got ta wait until it start telling you the truth again it s hard and it suck it suck major donkey ball you can t see any good right now i know you have to believe me it s imperative so just hold on", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0230", "text": "i am 0 year old and genderfluid they she he and every day i am alive i have no clue what is going on my depression is mostly caused by my other disorder asd adhd and ocd and i ve had it since junior high often i feel so hopeless because those disorder all have their own comorbidities that mess with me on the day to day i struggle with writing spelling understanding verbal word social cue my own emotion if my thinking or the disorder and more there is just so much happening all the time at a nightmare level of complexity it exhaust me and paint the world dull i feel like i am always on the verge of imploding and exploding at the same time people get mad at me for thing i didn t know and expect so much from me when right now this is all i got my goal is to move far away onto a hill in the middle of nowhere it seems like the more the world asks of me the le i do instead of a big moment breakdown it little one like a car sputtering to a stop this all being said i know that my life will keep moving forward and thing will change but right now it s just so hard to believe that a if the world wa against me since day one ya know thank you for listening if anyone can offer advice on dealing with this i would v much appreciate it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 268, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0231", "text": "hey everyone so the title say it all been going through depression since i wa around the age of currently i am and beginning to lose to my demon this often push me to take thing to the extreme for example if i want to achieve something then i become obsessed with it and go all out so to say otherwise i feel dead inside people think of me a this strong individual because i have never shown my weakness to anyone even my family so everyone is oblivious to my inner suffering it s a pure living hell it s like having rabies but instead of dying it constantly attack your brain and make you think of irrational thing day in and day out i don t have anything to brag about in my normal life average job no education after high school no car no girlfriend no friend no money to go on holiday nothing the only thing that i got going for myself is my gym addiction built a decent physique over the year and planned to actually compete ironically i had all of these thing minus the money part when i wa in high school lost the ability to smile a well i laugh at joke at funny thing but my heart is dead i became unable to form relationship of any kind whether they d be romantic or friend related just recently lost my business too i am in debt on top of that how do you fight demon who always drag you back down to the bottom of a dark empty ocean every time you start seeing light at the end of the tunnel thank you for reading p s i am not suicidal just want to smile again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0232", "text": "today wa a normal day i have started keep a to do list to tackle my depression it not always necessary for me to everything on that list provided i have some definite reason in my mind to not doing everything like okay i didn t cook today because the gas connection wasn t there also this list ha helped me with my medication a sometimes heavy dos make me feel forget to do small stuff but something s left from the list undone and i don t have any particular reason for that except spending extra time resting or etc i feel horrible and then a fear started to grow back of my head that if i don t keep with that list i will again fall in depression today after work i took some time off for myself then my boyfriend came over and we spent some quality time but it also made me let for cooking my dinner and a i planned to go for cycling after dinner now i am constantly feeling horrible for not striking off one job from my list and the absurd thing is i haven t even had my dinner yet so i am already freaking out about something which probably i will have time to do this whole situation is not only giving me anxiety without any concrete reason but also making me feel guilty for enjoying something that i love", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 240, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0233", "text": "i suffer from anxiety and ocd so i went to a neuropsychiatrist who prescribed me a month treatment which is paroxetine paxil 0 mg he told me to start with half tablet the first day then take a full one for the rest of the day i took it at midday prazepam 0 mg half tablet at midday the other half at night clomipramine mg one tablet at night he didn t tell me anything about tapering off so i stopped them abruptly and ended up experiencing very bad annoying withdrawal symptom like nausea vomiting headache weird sensation in my muscle i felt my body vibrating vivid dream dizziness stomach pain shaking fatigue anxiety mood change i felt depressed cried a lot too etc litteraly a nightmare it s been week since i stopped them and the withdrawal symptom are becoming le intense compared to the first day thank god and honestly i m never approching these medication again i just hope the remaining symptom dissapear too then i ll stick with therapy and herb my question is will this abrupt discontinuation have bad long lasting effect on my body or will this all go away permanently after the withdrawal suffrance stop thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 228, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0234", "text": "i have suffered depression most of my life ever since i can remember i have always felt something wa off or wrong even when i wa a child i just didn t have a name for it i lived in a latin household so of course whenever i talked about it with someone i wa mostly met with man up it just a phase it all in your head or you are a kid you dont know im now i started therapy year ago started taking pill again this month i don t get any joy out of life i have had friend best friend girlfriend ive been to private island visited many country and met a lot of people im a very lucky person it just saddens me the amount of people that would have enjoyed those experience even more than me but didnt get to do it my parent tell me that they will always support me but all i want is to stop living im sorry if this doesn t fit the general theme of this subreddit i usually don t think my problem is a big or important a any of yours i just needed to vent and have somebody hear me out cause i don t have anyone else every person always end up either leaving or im the one leaving them because i dont want them to have to suffer even a little bit because of me i wish there wa a button i could press to end my existence however for anyone else that is going through what i am please don t stop trying to get better i know you can do it i may not be strong enough but im sure you will win this fight do it for everyone who ha already given up on themselves im sorry for the long post i hope you have a good life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 320, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0235", "text": "i m not even in highschool about to be but i m not and i wan na fucking kill myself it s all from dumb bullshit me being ugly having a crush on a girl everyone hate so i have to pretend to hate her or i get beat up i don t even want to do this because my brain say that i need to get rid of all emotion when i get sad my brain go don t do that you dont have any good reason to be sad when i m happy my brain go you don t have any reason to be happy i m only allowed to be angry and tired and i m tired so fucking tired i shouldn t be this fucking depressed to the point of wanting to km i m not even in fucking highschool i feel like i m stripping others from attention they need because i convince myself that my depression doesn t matter there s so much going on constantly that i wan na blow my head off not to km but to get rid of all the bullshit going on i don t want to explain all of it but deep down i know i need to i don t wan na tell anyone this because of so many many reason i can t even get into that it s just fucking bullshit i wan na just make a video saying fuck you to my school and i love you to my mom and then km", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 261, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0236", "text": "burning the bridge of people i m supposed to consider friend but when wa the last time i could call them that suddenly my life took a sudden stop and i needed to rest well now i m recovered and everyone ha left me behind so what do i do i try reaching out but get pushed aside for other more important people in their life hurt when one of them wa your ex partner who still want to be your friend but can t put in any effort worth making it a lasting friendship best friend know i m socially inept and while i m extroverted i can t really meet new people on my own so do they help me by introducing me to their dozen of freiends they have despite being introverted no apparently you just want to keep me to yourself despite me literally begging for your help on multiple occasion i hate this the only keeping me around is my cat and it s not love anymore i just don t want to leave him alone in the apartment with my rotting corpse that will only be found because i didn t come into work", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0237", "text": "so lately i been dealing with a pretty tense situation which involves trying to get myself out of a pretty big rut caused by my depression and lack of motivation basically a lot ha gone to shit now i m trying to fix it but there is this thing that happens whenever there is something difficult uncomfortable i have to do in my life in the hour leading up to waking up fully in those moment when i m tossing and turning my body feel terrible especially in my stomach abdominal area my thought are anxious and i feel terrible when i wake up fully all i think about is the thing making me anxious and the symptom i described feel like 0 time worse and i feel extremely high stung and filled with dread i feel like i want to fade away because it feel so bad after about an hour or two the physical symptom lessen and my anxiety reduces to more manageable level doe anyone else feel this and what have you done to cope", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0238", "text": "f i m planning to kill myself perhaps next month i m just gon na put it all out there because i have nothing to lose now i missed year of school because of mental health and i wa in a psych ward for 9 month due to this i have no friend at all only my mum and i m grateful for that now i m in year in a hospital school trying to cram year of lost education into my brain my gcse s are in a month and i m going to fail even though i m only going to be doing two of them english language and math i cant even get to college don t get me started on uni i m going to be a nobody struggling to find a job i bet my mum is so disappointed in me but she doesn t wan na say it my future is over i m over even though my life ha just begun i d rather end it now than be known a the waste child i ve been planning my death for a long time now i can t take this anymore this disappointment in myself i can t take it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0239", "text": "this is my first time writing this a releasing this properly i have had a plan for three year the plan is to end my life next year in may i have had this plan for three year up to this point so far i am not old and the only reason i am waiting is for convenience and not wanting my parent to find my body i honestly see no issue with me dying i don t want to keep living i don t want to die because i am in pain or whatever i just don t rly want to be alive anymore i want to cut contact with all my friend and family before i do it this may be hard but i will go through with it either way my time on this earth is coming to an end i am not religious in any way so i am a little scared in what happens next but honestly i hope it will be more interesting then my current mundane life anyways please refrain from going into the comment and writing ohh no please dont do it it not worth it if you do i will either delete your comment or just delete this post i just posted this because i wonder if i am alone with these feeling of just nothing ness", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 228, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0240", "text": "throwaway account for privacy reason i just graduated with an advanced degree and got into job search i ve been struggling with depression for year and i think at first it wa the high functioning kind but in the last few year it seemed to have turned to the demotivational kind of depression i m tired all the time and i always pick the easy thing to do easy entertainment watch thing mindlessly easy way to go to sleep scroll on my phone until i m too tired to stay awake etc it come and go in wave too sometimes i d get the energy to do thing or to do something along the line of self improvement other time i would just want to sleep i ve learned that some thing trigger depressive episode much faster than others but i m not sure how to let these trigger pas without the episode full on hitting me for instance one of the trigger is a perceived sense of being excluded from thing or being rejected or being shown or told that i m not good enough can you tell that i suffer from an inferiority complex anyway today that trigger came from one of my tennis group friend who wanted to set up a play session every two week for advanced player in our amateur tennis group this doesn t conflict with any of our other scheduled play session and i know that i m not good enough to be in the advanced group all of my tennis friend are good people and i know that there s always going to be room in the advanced group for people who improve and get to that level even knowing all this i got so depressed over the span of about minute that i just stopped functioning i think that since this group of friend ha been my only real support for the last few year anything that happens in the group that i see a a rejection of myself just instantly take me down now that i m in the middle of it it feel like the only thing i can do is wait for it to pas because talking out of it or building myself up don t work when all i can think about is how i ve failed everything and that i ve never and will never live up to anyone s standard including my own sorry for the long selfish post i m struggling daily with imposter syndrome and a sense of inadequacy the trigger just happened to be this particular thing today", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 445, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0241", "text": "i did bad on an important test i thought i would do well in i thought wa my best subject i thought i studied well there s more important test on those subject soon if i think i m doing badly on those subject already then the test probably will go worse i feel bad for disappointing everyone i feel bad that i m complaining so much but i want to die so bad it doesn t feel like there s anything else for me if i do bad in school a family friend is doing an art related course they seem to be having fun i like doing art but i m nowhere a good a her or good enough to do a similar course a school friend is doing well in school we share many of the same subject we share the same high expectation but i can t reach them she complains about mark way higher than mine i m resentful but really i m just envious i don t even know what i want to do in the future why should i put in effort for a life i don t want do i want it i think i want it i don t think i have any actual appreciation for the academia just that i want to fulfill the thing i ve always been told to it s dumb and i should just accept my actual ability it s all my fault in the end that i should ve done this or that but i don t want to try anymore i m so tired of trying and failing and then giving up and then doing it all again for whatever reason the enjoyable moment in life don t feel worth it at all or maybe i m just too stuck up to appreciate them enough either way i want to give up i m sorry i m so childish so self centred i m sorry i m wasting everyone s time and money and effort i wonder how much longer i will continue to do so i m sorry that my problem aren t really big enough to be upset over it all feel too pointless", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 375, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0242", "text": "hi please help tell me someone had this and overcame it i can t do more diagnosis at some point i wa praying it s cancer because at least i d know what it is i m suspecting anxiety since i have severe social anxiety which is fuelled even more by the symptom it is something between itching burning stinging like if someone put thousand of needle in your scalp at the same time it happens usually when i suddenly feel my body temperature rising so during exercising in hot room etc when stressed anxious since it also happens in place that aren t even that warm like supermarket or in a bus there are no visible sign on the skin like redness or rash i ve had dermatological neurological endocrine and many more diagnosis but nothing wa found so i m suspecting anxiety it s been happening couple time a week always when i feel too warm for like 0 year but human body ha a fascinating ability to forget the intensity of pain doesn t it thread i saw that are similar usually talk about itching before sleeping or sensitive skin on forehand or something alike but this is a needle like stinging sensation all over the head whenever it hot please i m almost done", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 229, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0243", "text": "before taking sertraline i had many problem for instance i wa not even able to talk on the phone in front of my mom and my brother it wa very tough to make a phone call because my heart would start beating very fast also if i saw someone i did not like my heart would beat out of my mouth at the supermarket while paying at the counter my heart would beat fast and i wa thinking everybody is staring at me and judging me but for four month i take sertraline and most of my problem are solved i feel like i am moving in the right direction i even cracked interview for my internship and finally got one before sertraline even thinking about an interview would trigger a load of anxiety now overall my anxiety ha reduced from 0 to or which is a significant improvement but one thing which is still bothering me is the feeling that everybody is staring at me when i eat at a restaurant for instance i feel like the person sitting at the front table is staring at me when i eat currently i am on a dose of mg sertraline to those who are on sertraline did you ever lose this feeling of other people judging you or are looking at you if yes which dose are you at i appreciate your help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0244", "text": "i am so tired of living i don t think i ve been truly passionate about anything since i wa year old i am turning in a few month mentally i still feel like i am year old there are so many experience and opportunity that i have missed out on over the year and it s so difficult to imagine a future for myself after college because i don t have the energy or the motivation to do anything but the bare minimum for the longest time in high school i didn t have plan for college because i didn t see myself making it past i feel like i am presently existing past my life s expiration date i chose to pursue fine art in college because drawing is the one thing i am genuinely talented at and yet i dread every moment i have to sit down and draw this semester i shortened my course load to two online class and one in person class and i am still struggling to keep up it s incredibly difficult for me to focus on anything for more than minute before i feel exhausted i have been told that i am talented enough to sell print of my art yet i can barely make piece to add to my professional portfolio i m too afraid to let myself think about what i am even going to do once i graduate because i know this disorder ha completely destroyed any semblance of a work ethic that i may have once had i am slowly losing all my friend because i can t do anything fun anymore two of my closest friend who are also my roommate don t invite me to anything social anymore i am saddened by this but wonder if i even have the right to feel that way a i probably wouldn t go if i wa invited a i don t have the energy for anything anymore i shortened my course load to two online class and one in person class and i am still struggling to keep up every time i feel remotely okay it last for what feel like a second and then i m sinking down even deeper sometimes i wish i could lay down fall asleep and never wake up i don t even feel sad i just feel nothing at all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 400, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0245", "text": "for a far a i could remember i wa always depressed and hopeless i wa always the mediator so i took in all the negative energy from others and let everyone use me like a emotional punching bag i grew up in a very dysfunctional way and i don t want to share it exactly but i want it to be known not only that but i have been fucked at every turn in life i ve been sexually manipulated almost burned alive neglected and i ve been told to just deal with it even though it pained me extraordinarily so the biggest thing that made me want to commit wa when my father passed and ever since i felt suicidal last march i wa going through some bad memory and i wa just being extremely depressed i remember waking up at am and numb in every conceivable way emotionally mentally and physically it wa like i wa in a trance and before i knew it i wa making a noose when i wa done i went outside and found a tree to tie the noose on and then before i did it i snapped out of it i remember just standing there and looking at the noose for good minute or so and then i chickened out i took the noose and threw it behind my shed and went to talk to suicide hotline sometimes i feel like i should ve just ended it then and there i still get so depressed and angry that i just have no idea on what to do that urge is creeping back and i feel more of a waste of space than ever what should i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 291, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0246", "text": "my house had a flood one day when i wa home alone it wa really scary in the moment water running down the wall and moving faster than i could handle on my own it wasn t terribly bad but damaged our basement floor so my husband and i had to move everything upstairs we waited for insurance to approve the claim and then decided my husband would do the work himself to save some fund before we bought the supply we both got covid thankfully his symptom were minimal but it wa not a fun battle for me i managed to stay out of hospital but i wa sick for month the family friend we contracted covid from died we also experienced another significant family death during this time not covid related my husband then ran into several setback with the flooring all together by the time the basement wa put back together it had been month month of extra furniture box christmas decoration gaming equipment and other junk all over the house in a jumbled mess a good chunk of the month i wa sick grieving slowly recovering and isolated because of lockdown i also lost all my front gardening work by the contractor digging up and water proofing our window well ever since i find my anxiety go through the roof whenever i hear heavy rain i used to find it really soothing but now i start to panic about flooding happening again or just something bad in general i can t focus on anything other than waiting for it to stop anyone else feel this way about storm", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 274, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0247", "text": "i researched and it took me min to get a recipe for a combination of different med that will do the trick it will cost me le than a hundred but i m broke af everytime something happens now it just make me feel better because it reminds me that my decision is correct don t need my parent denying therapy but then complaining about my behavior don t need my bfs stupid rule and controlling behavior don t need a place in a world where i m scared of so many people where i m angry at so many people where the rise of feminism tell me that men are overdramatic and whatnot where it s racist to call a dish shitty that s from another culture where people will comment on my look and send deaththreats or call me an internet rambo when i m hiding where there s bully that gave me social anxiety where my autism ha given me a handicap that at this point is out of control where i outzone while driving and almost run over a a dude where i have to understand everyone while nobody understands me i do not need this negativity", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 208, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0248", "text": "i ve posted here many time under many different name my cat is dying a of the moment and i can t do anything about it i wish i could take him to a vet but i don t have the capacity to take him there my internship is starting next week and i won t have any money until i receive my first pay check next month it s so hard to see him suffer he s the only one that tether me to this world i wish i could die with him he took me out of depression and i can t do anything for him in return he s the only reason why i continue to fight i continue to feed and make him drink with a syringe he hate it when others do it but he trust me his life i wish i could tell him i m sorry that couldn t do anything i love you i ll have my final interview in an hour i know it s selfish for me to say i wish i get through it when he s the one dying i don t know where else to share it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 201, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0249", "text": "i don t know if it just my ocd acting up or if it some real trauma but in high school i had a friend that really lowered my self esteem told me that i have no one to talk to always alone more i speak the dumber i sound kind of treat me like shit at every possibility sometimes trying to embarrass me in front of other it wasn t just towards me but i think because i wa so nice to him he took advantage of that anyways it been year and it still bug me i did have therapy and to be honest it wa quite useless there is simply not much a stranger can do to help my situation i wa always a very sensitive avoidant person and running into a person like that really destroyed me not just that but hate that i didn t stand up for myself my therapist recommends meditation and slowly getting yourself out there but almost none of it help i don t understand why someone would come into someone s personal space and violate you for no particular reason he didn t do that because he found it funny just did it for the sake of it i hate disagreeable people like him and fear running into people like that i also stated skipping class from then on i spent the last year of college in my room skipping nearly all my class", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 248, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0250", "text": "hey so i have health anxiety and got blood work done result will be posted in a couple week i believe however lymph node are a major cause of my health anxiety right now i m concerned with two knot which are in the exact same spot on opposite side i barely felt them a few month ago and assumed it wa a muscle or tendon since they were literally in the same spot there is one on each side above my collarbone not on my neck but in that little pocket you can create while shrugging supraclavicular fossa is the specific name for the location i believe anyway i have these soft and moveable lump on each side are they lymph node if so they seem large maybe like a quarter in size give or take to be fair they haven t seem to grow at all since i last felt them which wa late last year no fever no night sweat no trouble breathing etc i had a cold where i coughed and sneezed a lot a month ago but all symptom went away also you can not see the two lump unless i tilt my head to other side shrug my shoulder and try to flex my neck a little bit at that point you can clearly see them you can most certainly feel them i have absolutely no clue what the hell they are and why one is on both side it doesn t seem to be apart of my anatomy seems abnormal thought experience suggestion i ll bring it up to my doc can t believe i forgot", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 284, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0251", "text": "i ve had suicidal ideation almost everyday for year now i ve kinda lost track when specifically because everything just seems like a blur i feel trapped in a way because i don t want to hurt my friend and family but at the same time i m just so exhausted with living i just want to be set free and i wish they could just let me go and finally allow me to leave this world i mean being gay and asian american should give enough of a reason a to why i ve ended up in this predicament i just wish i could have been born normal i wish i could have had a normal childhood i wish i could had all the thing that came with growing up like crush prom night or dating in high school and then piling that on top of all the other horrible shit that exists within our society i don t even want to continue with life anymore why should i even bother if world i live in wa never made for people like me why would it be bad if i choose to leave it isn t it more selfish for them to keep me hostage alive", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0252", "text": "i ve so many health issue and i m only starting with atopic and seborrhoeic dermatitis and psoriasis through endometriosis and hypothyroidism to ibs fucked up hip and pelvic floor and that s not even all and obviously only phisical thing that are wrong and i really try to take care of all of this problem but it s exhausting and for what to live in a world where everything is getting more and more fucked up every minute the pandemic the war the famine that s probably gon na come soon a a result of the war i m polish so very much can feel the effect of what s happening in ukraine i m also vegan and knowing that so many animal are still suffering and the price of everything are going up i don t even think i can afford to live anymore and i m really trying going on a walk in the forest everyday doing yoga eating healthy just generally taking care of myself like a normal person would but i just can t see the light at the end of the tunnel rant over", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0253", "text": "i m on anti depressant for month now and they changed my life completely like i went from a terrible suicidal wreck to a normal functioning human being i had a good a no bad mood some physical issue even went away and i definitely had a more positive outlook on life i wa lucky enough to even have almost no side affect so i feel like my body work quite well with them around week ago i slowly started to get a little bit of bad feeling not too much or anything i thought it s probably normal because no human feel good every single day but the more time went by the heavier the bad mood gots until this evening where i found myself in bed hating the fact that i m alive it scare me because for the first time in my life i ve felt somewhat normal and okay with being alive and i don t wan na go back because i got ta do this for my family is it normal that it get like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 184, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0254", "text": "i am just jealous of so many thing i don t have depression destroyed my memory and i can t remember anything what make thing worse is this is my final school year and i have final exam in around a month i know i will fail because i physically can not remember anything every time i see people learn i feel jealousy that they can do thing i can t the jealousy appears also when it come to my two friend they both have other friend than me so they can leave me anytime they feel like it they also don t talk to me that much and spend more time with those other friend they also wanted to do something nice to one of my friend and didn t even invited me to spend time with them it just hurt i tell myself i just need to meet more people either online or irl but it s hard and i m just trying to ignore my true feeling i wa always there for everyone since i can remember and all i get in return is being ignored and forgotten i started to think about myself more and now i m rude and only thinking about myself but i don t care they are not the kind of people i want to be friend with if you reached this point thank you for reading i just wanted to anonymously tell my true feeling and thought to someone have a nice day", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 253, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0255", "text": "for starter i ve suffered from ocd my entire life thing such a having to touch thing with both hand in the same spot counting making sure the volume is on even number hair pulling etc etc i ve never had the physical side effect of anxiety though from what i understand ocd is classified a an anxiety disorder two month ago i had my first ever panic attack after smoking too much weed and my life ha been hell ever since it wa the first time i ve experienced panic such a the burning in the chest the sinking feeling in the stomach the fear that something is wrong the problem is that ever since that panic attack started i ve been stuck in a state of panic and my brain is doing it obsessively constantly using the panic neural pathway in the brain this is what i figured and how my psychiatrist explained it also so i ve basically been stuck in a never ending panic attack for two month and it ha ruined my physical and mental health i have a rush of adrenaline and sinking feeling in my stomach every second for no reason at all my brain is just very obsessive an it keep activating the panic button i can t control it either it won t stop no matter what i do my mouth is always dry and i feel on edge and over stimulated my joint hurt all the time and the worst thing is my ability to heal ha been drastically shut down my joint and muscle don t heal from wear and tear anymore so i ve been bed ridden i ve tried ssri benzos antipsychotic etc and nothing ha helped at all some thing may help me cope and deal with it better but nothing stop my brain from constantly panicking i ve been looking into assisted way to end my life a i can t imagine the rest of my life being in a permanent panic attack this is no way to live anyways i need to know if anyone ha dealt with something similar and if there s any way for me to get out of constant fight or flight thank you tldr my brain learned how to panic and it s obsessively hitting the panic button for no reason", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 403, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0256", "text": "hello i am year old and a senior in high school i also have adhd and autism i have been suicidal twice before th th grade and 0th grade but this is possibly the worst it s been the disaster started back in september when i got diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called nf everything i have heard about this disorder from doctor and online sound fucking horrible and nothing i want to live with then in october i met my first girlfriend so i wa happy for a bit but if course that went south too i ll just get right to the point when the relationship started i made clear to her that i didn t want sex and she agreed however later that same month she talked me into it in november december she asked for it multiple time a day and guilt tripped me when i said no she made me feel horrible when she did this then in january i wa saying no repeatedly and she just pulled my pant down and started riding me even though i wa trying to push her off and safe wording i broke up with her in february but there s been drama and social bullshit ever sense in addition recently i got in an apartment fire for the second time in my life this caused me to lose all my belonging they are allegedly being cleaned but it s taking for fucking ever this mean i don t have many of my coping mechanism which is only adding to the stress we had to stay at a hotel for a few night and now we re in a new apartment but it s not the same but that s not all my shitty life ha to offer in addition i have medical debt i also tried calling the suicide hotline the other day and the lady on the phone said what do you want me to do about it and later she hung up on me even aside from all the stuff i mentioned there s several more recent incident i m just to emotional to type it all up now i honestly don t know what to do i keep thinking that thing will get better soon but the only get worse", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 393, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0257", "text": "hello everyone new to the sub here i would like to receive your insight about my recent discovery about myself tw self h so i used to do this when i wa and it mostly because i have severe anxiety and i need a coping mechanism ive stopped and have been cleaned for year since today i had a fight with my entire family about not respecting my boundary and not coming into my room when im literally shirtless and they make fun of me for being too serious about it theyre good people and have never touched me inappropriately so i too wa puzzled about my sudden anxiety attack so i locked myself in a room sobbing to no one and i felt so much pain and i just want the rush to come but then i saw a resistance band and literally did a thousand bicep curl and u know how it burn when someone exercise the first time i couldnt feel my hand i guess the endorphin made me feel so much better i forgot about wanting to do that bad thing i feel so much better and i wanted to know if i could do a thousand bicep curl at the risk of injuring my hand to avoid doing what i used to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 230, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0258", "text": "i give up i won t ever get better my life will be the same for the rest of my life my youth is already wasted i m rotten inside the pill on my desk are a constant reminder but also a comforting way out anytime i would want to the light from my window is a reminder of how the world will go on and forget about me i like that thought i used to feel ashamed for always feeling ignored and not seen but now it s all i want please hate me it will be so much easier please forget about me please don t think about me you deserve better fuck you screw you don t make a face like that you ll get wrinkle you re crazy you re stupid you don t know anything why are you like this why are you laying on your bed all day why did you ignore all the sign mom i m hurt and i want to die why did you forget about the time i told you i tried to kill myself why did you say ew at the time why did you tell me to never do it again why did you tell me we re just gon na have to make it on our own i wanted help i m hurt i m angry and frustrated it s too late for me to get better i want to disappear", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 245, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0259", "text": "i don t get it i ve know i have a future i know have a route but i don t see the point anymore no matter what i do it s never enough for the people around me family friend even myself no matter what i do i feel like i m always doing it wrong i have severe social anxiety and i m too scared to reach out to anyone close to me i know they ll just turn their back like they always do everyday i have to put on a mask and pretend like everything is okay i don t want to put it on anymore i don t want anyone to feel sorry for me i don t want to cause that stress in anyone but myself my mind is so fucked up that i don t even know what s wrong with me anymore all i know is that something is i ve kept all my emotion bottled up for year i m too numb to feel anything anymore i can t remember the last time i felt legitimate happiness the only thing i feel at this point are physical besides stress shame and a crippling caffeine addiction it s so bad that i m taking at least 000mg a day at this point at this point i just have a bottle of mixed medication at my bedside that i stare at every night and each day i feel myself moving closer to downing them all this is my last call i don t know what else to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 268, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0260", "text": "i little personal reflection here i guess i ve been working so hard to not want to kill myself trying to give myself space to heal while also when possible pushing myself to get back to life and i ve been doing amazingly going from my day being filled with trying to not want to die to actually cleaning my appartment and doing thing the last couple of week have definitely been a relapse of my pet who we re the reason i wa keeping myself alive and getting out of bed in my deepest moment have died within the same month in dramatic way i ve been trying to keep my head above water and to keep doing what i m suppose to do and the longer i tried to do it the more i went back to feeling like life is a never ending cycle of doing the same shit thing till you die i ve been feeling more and more again like it doesn t matter how hard i try and today it just became to much i m sitting here alone in this messy appartment that i m never gon na get under controle my partner is out all day and i just feel pain being alive again so i selfharmed again after month of not wanting to do it nothing serious or permantly damaging i ve never done something permanently damaging it felt both deliberating and just sad deliberating cause it did help me and calmed me down in the moment sad because you never wan na have to do this to stay alive and okay enough i don t really feel guilty or bad about doing it relapsing can happen right two step forward step back and i guess i also feel calmer about it knowing that i did get myself on a upward slope so that mean i can get myself there again so i guess i feel hopefull while feeling like this so i guess i m not doing well but i ve been getting back from worse", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 359, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0261", "text": "i work a a consultant i m good at what i do and have been working at a great company for a while now i ve worked on numerous project with multiple client and have worked at the client side a couple of time a most consultant usually do every time i come back to the company office or go to a new client s side i get showered with overwhelming anxiety and stress i stress for week leading up to it but once i get there i m the life of the place but only for about an hour or two after which i genuinely feel depressed social battery it s the change of people and scenery too many new and old face too many thought they could be thinking of me or not thinking of me this happens every time without fail until i get used to a place which by that point i would have to move to another place client office how do you cope with such feeling do you ever get them do you have any technique or tip that might help thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 190, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0262", "text": "so i made a similar post in confession but i guess it belongs here maybe maybe not i don t think anyone really care anyway well when i wa m i ve been tortured by two girl aged around they d wait up for me after school take me to a secluded area and sodomize me when they were finished they would repeatedly kick my private part and punch my stomach when i would cry they said they would not stop until i stopped my cry since then i ve never cried anymore in my life and i wish i could my feeling have faded away and i thought that wa part of becoming an adult i would lay for hour in pain and then come home telling my parent i wa at a friend s this ha been going on for about a year no matter if i took a different route home or tried to run they would do this almost daily i wouldn t tell my parent because they were threatening to kill my dog and family if i did my parent started to distrust me and thought i wa doing bad thing after school since i wouldn t share my friend s name after this i mainly focused on school and avoided most people i ve built up major trust issue and only had a few bad relationship where my trust issue would always ruin thing and while i hate to admit it i hate most woman or my inability to deal with them i had to man up since in my thought this wouldn t happen to a man by some girl my way of being a manly man wa to be strong and not have emotion i have thought a lot about this part of my childhood and always blamed myself for not thinking recently i feel hate towards the person that did this to me one of them died because of drug overdose which to this day make me smile i have made a plan for an accident to happen to this person i have planned out all the detail for this to happen and i wholeheartedly believe she deserves to die right now i am year of age recently been diagnosed with bipolar syndrome and some other anti social disorder i have been depressed for the most part of my life and instead of taking someone s life i ll just end my own thanks for letting me share this i have been embarrassed about it all my life and i ve never felt either manly or adult i could never bring myself to tell anyone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 449, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0263", "text": "ha oh god i don t know why i m laughing so much i think if i could feel anything i would be scared i m laughing and i m cry i don t know what to do i think my friend is suicidal scrap that i know they are and the problem is i m kind of suicidal too i see no point in life but i ve become sort of stuck in a rut of repressed emotion for a while i feel nothing so i have no desire to do anything let alone to kill myself but i m worried they do they said they would see me tomorrow so i don t think they re going to do it tonight they said they want to but they see no point because they always fail i don t know what to do i cant ask for help for them because i promised confidentiality and i know the pain of that trust being broken i can t do that to them that is not an option i know they re safe for tonight the only problem is i don t know how to make them feel better or if i can i m terrible at comforting people at the best of time and now i m half asleep and i think i m a little triggered for context my dad used to always tell me he wa going to kill himself if i left him and he would detail how worthless he wa and way he would kill himself and sometimes he would sh and almost attempt in front of me a well a me being suicidal myself on multiple occasion so it s a touchy subject i don t need people telling me to call the police or tell anyone else i need advice on how to make them feel better i can t bear the thought of one of my friend feeling how i feel or rather how i ve felt it s fucking torture and they do not deserve that shit they said they can t talk because they feel like an attention seeker and i tried to reassure them but i m crap at it please i m begging you give me some advice something i can do to make them feel better the thought of them in pain is agonising they don t deserve that i just need some idea on what to do what to say please", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 417, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0264", "text": "i m currently taking 0mg effexor xr for anxiety and depression i ve also taken lexapro 0mg for year and zoloft 00mg for a year both had similar effect barely put a dent in my anxiety and really helped with the severe symptom of depression but it s still there my anxiety is still bad particularly my physical symptom i always feel on edge and nervous i can always feel my heart pounding hard not fast regardless of my mental state and it s the most debilitating symptom i feel i can never relax and never truly enjoy myself because of how anxious i feel i take propranolol 0mg twice a day and is the only thing that help a little with the physical symptom but they re still problematic i have tried meditation breathing exercise exercise i have read a multitude of book on cognitive behavioral therapy acceptance and commitment therapy and mindfulness no exercise in the book ha helped with the symptom whatsoever i should also mention i have had test for my thyroid adrenal any gi or diet issue antibody etc and i m sure i can rule out physical cause is anyone else in a similar boat to me and found buspirone helped if no ha anything helped you thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 232, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0265", "text": "asking because i m not sure and it just happened yesterday so the memory is still fresh from what i ve learned panic attack can make people genuinely believe they re dying or like their throat is closing up but i don t get that feeling for me i feel like i can t get enough air and that every time i have to take a deep breath but taking slow breath is really hard and near impossible sometimes and when i do try to breathe normal or deep breath i get dizzy like the act of taking in the air make my head spin causing me to feel more uncomfortable and disoriented i ll also get racing thought centered around how people interact with me will want to talk to me have spoken to me how i m a failure how people would be better off not knowing me how i ve fucked up in the past and so on when i get those thought it get really hard to slow them down and breathe yesterday when it happened i wa literally just in bed hugging my pillow really tightly because of the stress trying to focus on the music but it took roughly 0min 0min before i fully calmed down is this normal is this a panic attack or something else even though i didn t believe i wa dying or felt like my throat wa closing up if this is a panic attack how the fuck am i supposed to stop it or help it deep breath don t help meditation make it a thousand time worse trying grounding technique make it worse too knowing i don t have trick to end it make me feel worse during it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 299, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0266", "text": "if thing don t get better for me by the end of 0 i m going to cash out my saving write a will and use of my saving to go on a world trip alone after which i will kill myself in a quiet place by the sea or something the saving i m leaving for my little brother because who know how expensive college will be by the time he s i m almost and a neet i have no friend no so extreme depression and social anxiety i don t find joy in hobby i am too anxious to go outdoors social medium trigger me i have no skill and haven t worked since 0 0 my family is poor and having me living in the house just drain their saving i consider myself low maintenance but food and electricity is just so goddamn expensive these day i also have ton of allergy and dyshidrotic eczema on my finger and during my flare ups i can t do any chore and any contact with water cause itch and spread now at springtime it meant i m rendered basically incapable of doing anything it s gon na last for month and i feel useless it s an autoimmune disease and there s no cure nothing help no diet prescribed cream nothing it s been like this all my life fall is the only season where it s the mildest", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0267", "text": "ok going to start with i had originally posted this on a different account but i don t really want this to be traced back to me from anyone i may potentially know who may stumble upon that other account there s way too much that i could say so i will just say a few thing i think i ve been suffering from anxiety for a long time and it s pretty crippling to my social interaction and the choice i make i miss out on a lot of stuff because of it and tend to have self destructive behavior when i make friend i have this problem where i feel like oversharing because someone is actually listening to me but due to some thing lately i ve started putting up more wall i joke around a lot and tease to distract from people actually knowing me because i think that people knowing me is really scary i ve been closing my circle and any time i speak to people i m just overwhelmingly anxious i fear that i ll say something that will make people start disliking me or finding me annoying i work at a customer service place and i get really anxious when customer start asking question i don t know the answer to or get even remotely frustrated with me i also get really anxious when a bigger group of customer come in and it just feel really embarrassing i have a really hard time with phone call too it really stress me out when i have to call someone or talk to like authority figure on the phone i wish i could be able to fix it and make it easier to leave my house or message people etc i just want to be able to exist without being afraid you know", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 311, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0268", "text": "hi idk if anyone will comment and thats okay i just need to talk or something since i m just so tired of my thought and just this worthless feeling i have all the time dealing with depression is no joke and being in a small town suck more since there not many resource or help for me i ve gotten a little help here and there but have just fallen back to being in my room isolating myself i have suicidal thought quite often and worry i might act on them not soon mind you just scared of myself i think of plan on how i could do it i ve written letter directed towards family member and friend before though i keep them to myself i ve self harmed before but haven t for quite sometime though i worry i may resort to that again i really just want help but i have no idea how i can even get it anyhow i thank anyone for reading if you did i don t have a lot of hope left but i guess i m still alive so yeah", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0269", "text": "m i have been dealing with depression anxiety panic attack for 0 year and also have adhd i kind of suck at everything i am failing my rd university almost have no social life have no girlfriend for year no job no goal and no achievement i have been trying to get my life together for year i quit alcohol and cannabis completely i am working out regularly forcing myself to socialize and learn new skill and trying to date failing miserably i am only successful at quitting drug which i can relapse anytime i suffer month of a year have some good day so what is the point of living if i won t be happy and achieve anything what kind of man i am who can not attract a woman and never be able to and why do i bother to live if i am failing every job i took and every university i went to i always feel lonely hate myself and can t look at the mirror anymore i am about to give up but i can t decide please answer objectively thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0270", "text": "hello guy first time posting here i hope everyone is doing alright at this time i just found out my friend ha committed suicide a year ago first let me give some background my friend is such a gentle loving soul and very devoted to his religion jehovah s witness he is not the most social person around bit awkward and also had plenty of issue in the past mentally due to a rough upbringing we were good friend he d always give me encouragement and just be there for me for anything i wa cut off from the religion due to myself realizing and developing my own belief i don t have a grudge towards the religion or anything like that despite being cut off and not being able to socialize with anyone from that religion cu it s the rule also i felt awkward and embarrassed that i am cut off therefore i did not have the courage to face my friend a year passed i m on a skiing trip with my brother i asked how my friend is doing since he sometimes still go to their church so i figured he d know something he told me he passed away a year so from suicide i am shocked from the news i can t seem to comprehend or accept the fact he seemed to be very devoted to his faith and committing suicide is one of the thing that are forbidden also i feel like trash for being a horrible friend and not even checking in on him at all or at least tried to due to my insecurity my mind ha been in shamble i don t know how to make amends i don t know if i can see the parent they d just be like so now you care where were you thr whole time etc etc i wa hoping to visit his grave but he wa cremated and ash were spread somewhere now all i can think of is his obit picture smiling but i can see there s so much hurt inside that broken smile", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 362, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0271", "text": "im so confused and frustrated and conflicted and angry and want to cry i feel like my friend have abandoned me all except one of them in our friend group never make plan or ask to hang out and all of them have new friend group this year they re closer with and it almost like there s no one to talk to anymore it s my last year of highschool and i just feel like i don t wan na be surrounded by any familiar face from school anymore and that i don t actually have any friend and people will just tolerate me or they just ignore me all together a bunch of other stuff is going on but idk i just feel so lost and unproductive and like i have no goal i never finish project i start like hobby wise i never finish show and it just make me feel stupid and lazy whenever i try to talk to anyone in my family about something important or good i want to share i feel like most of the time it s an unenthusiastic oh that s great or just not now i m stressed i have to get xyz done which i understand but i don t like opening up for this reason i also just can rarely describe my emotion properly or even know what i m feeling but i don t even like talking about my emotion it make me feel gross and pathetic", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 258, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0272", "text": "i ve had this discussion with many people irl including my therapist who said that is very specific to you and i wouldn t go around telling people that lmao when i imagine a world where i have to live forever or i have to follow the natural progression of my age until i die naturally it make me feel suffocated panicked and claustrophobic in my own body the fact is that even if we have lost control over every single thing in our life at least at the very minimum we have control over if that life exists or not i take great solace in the fact that my being on this earth everyday is solely by my choice because if i wanted to i could end it at any point of course i don t because i have people i d be hurting here and i have thing i suppose i need to accomplish before i die but i d be a very big liar if i sat here and said that i don t cope by reminding myself that there is a way out there s always a way out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0273", "text": "it s my first post here and i ll try to keep it short i m male live in greece had depression from age i don t have enough symptom anymore to be classified a depressed and i m starting to feel lost while the therapy and medication i have been taking for the past month have definitely helped me through tough time my biggest enemy is procrastinating especially with my university responsibility i don t love the subject i m studying chemistry but i do think it can help me find a suitable job in the future so i can provide for me and my family and have free time for hobby what i m having a really hard time with is motivation and discipline i m afraid that the lack of those thing can be the end of me i m constantly worried my gf might realise what a lazy person i really am and dump me despite her being really supportive of me the only thing i don t want is grow to be 0 0 and not be able to have a good life with my wife and kid because of my mental problem", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0274", "text": "long story short someone made fun of someone s stutter in front of me cause they weren t aware i have a stutter it s mostly related to anxiety after that i kept asking myself how do i know who i can trust and in that time i told myself i felt crazy for thinking this way i told myself everybody can be made fun of for different aspect of their life and most people won t even bat an eye i wa going about my day until someone on my post said they thought this way and it led them to be paranoid and go psychotic this is my biggest fear and after reading that i almost had a panic attack and it took me 0 0 minute to calm down ever since then i can t shake this thought i realized tho the reason i think everyone care i stutter is because i m looking through my perspective not theirs i realized i wa treating my stutter a my identity and not an aspect of me if someone make a lighthearted joke about it depending on how they say it it could just be a joke and not devaluing me a a person realizing this actually make me feel like a huge weight ha been lifted off of myself but it freak me out cause i also heard before people lose touch with reality they feel great but now that i found a way out of this thought that ocd ha attached itself to it s still going over scenario that never even happened or will happen going over certain people and i m asking myself would they make fun of your stutter in this scenario i m afraid it s because i m paranoid but i think it s cause ocd is trying to keep a grip on this fear it s le of a fear people are making fun of me now and more of a fear of believing they re making fun of me doe this mean i m going crazy since the original thought didn t start a an ocd obsession", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 368, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0275", "text": "i hate myself i am the reason i m sad i have no excuse some day i m so happy and blissful but then there are a lot of day most of them where the only thing in my mind is killing myself in multiple way i overthink i plan to perfection i have ish plan to kill myself without my family cleaning anything up i already have an unofficial will written for when i do kill myself i don t want my family to struggle to pick up the piece of why i killed myself so there s always a note then i just do something where no one can find my body i m sad for no reason there is no porpoise to existing i want to help people but i fail to do so all the damn time i joke about killing myself but those joke are getting more specific and i m pretty sure people are catching on that i actually wan na kill myself i actually tried but thankfully failed i didn t have a rope or gun so i started choking myself to do the job i really wan na but i just can t please help me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 209, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0276", "text": "not sure why i m doing what i m doing not sure why i m writing this it feel like there s no point in doing anything i am not happy currently and i will not have a future so why do i do anything i try to push all my problem to the back of my mind but that doesn t fix anything i still question what the point of doing anything is i m so happy i defeated this super hard bos in this game but what greater purpose doe defeating that bos have what greater purpose doe completing a video game have fundamentally i do not enjoy life so all i m doing by playing game is distracting myself it doesn t matter if said game i played add to my knowledge or expands my worldview because i know i will kill myself in the future right now i m just on autopilot for year i ve tried not to think about my problem and had hope that thing would get better but i had false hope thing haven t gotten better there s only a slim chance thing will ever get better i wish i realised this sooner maybe the fact people keep repeating that one generic line thing will get better wa why i believed they would now i ve learned hope is nothing but a coping mechanism im just so frustrated that my consciousness wa ever brought into existence why couldn t i have stayed in the void now i see no point in doing anything i m just floating here unsure of what direction to go in i m unsure if there is any point in watching a movie letalone making any meaningful decision i m stuck in limbo i told myself i d wait this year out at least but i m starting to see there s really no point in prolonging the inevitable so why am i here writing this not sure what this will do not sure about anything", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 343, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0277", "text": "i have always hated myself and have attempted suicide several time for the past year since my last attempt what had kept me going ha been focusing on changing myself to become someone i can stand a long a changing and improving myself felt possible death didn t seem like the only answer to escape who i am despite covid i have liked myself more in the past year than ever before because i felt like i wa actually making progress on becoming a good person in therapy so it felt even more do able then four week ago my therapist told me that all this time therapy hasn t been working he reduced the amount of therapy i receive per week because i wa relying on it too much to enact the change it wa immediately clear after the change that he wa right i m the exact same piece of shit i ve always been i wa just able to be better because of his help a soon a it wa removed i went right back to how i wa before i feel so foolish humiliated and defeated i feel like i ve been in the desert racing desperately towards an oasis for the past two year only to discover it wa just a mirage all along death really is the only way to escape being who i am", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 233, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0278", "text": "my parent have never really cared about what i m doing online because they trust me to be safe plus i am a teenager so i know about internet safety and stuff which is good because i don t like my parent knowing what i do online and it not think in doing anything bad i just don t like my parent knowing i don t even want them to know what show i watch i don t know why this is but recently i ve started blocking my bedroom door with my chair my room is very small so all i have to do is wheel my chair back slightly to block it and when my mum come in she always asks me why i ve blocked my door and then she asks if it because i m watching naughty thing she doe always asks this in a joking way but it make me uncomfortable i just don t know how to tell her how uncomfortable it make me so any advice with telling her would help me a lot", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0279", "text": "i need someone to calm me down i have a stutter and a couple day ago my best friend friend wa making fun of somebody with a stutter cause he s not aware i have one ever since then i realized how easy it is for people to talk behind people s back ever since then i ve wondered if anyone make fun of behind my back and i ve been taking individual people asking myself do i think they d make fun of me on one of my post regarding this someone said they went through this and ended up getting psychosis and paranoia that s one of my biggest fear and a i read that i almost had a panic attack and that wa like 0 minute ago and i still have that panic attack feeling and my vision feel very messed up and fuzzy like how a panic attack would be i m terrified this mean i m going crazy and i can t shake this feeling now that i m scared it mean i m going crazy i m thinking about it more i know anyone can be made fun of and i m no different am i going crazy i didn t have any ocd fear a this thought popped up it s only now since someone commented that and i m so freaked out can anyone help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 236, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0280", "text": "it all depends on how this go im 0yo male who just got engaged around month ago we were planning on getting married and having kid together soon both started work at the same company making quite good money but recently she tell me her feeling for me have changed that she love me but isnt sure we should stay together she feel attracted to a female coworker of hers that is heterosexual so will never return that attraction we ve decided to spend 9 day in an airbnb together to see if we can save the relationship but she told me today it not looking good also she revealed that coworker thing only today i ve been staying at my parent house for around week now but on sunday will go to the airbnb i know you guy will tell me that she s not worth it but i can t change how i feel about her i wish some of y all that have gone through similar situation could maybe give me some advice how i could still save this if it doesn t work out i will either hang myself or obtain heroin to overdose on i have already written a suicide note and mentally been preparing myself i would do it on the last day while she s gone and ask her to come shortly before ending it or maybe even setting up a programme to send the message when i m already dead this is so that she would find me and inform my relative early enough call me an asshole but i think that the people that know me including her would learn from my death to treat people with more respect in the future if all go well i will continue living if not so be it the note punchline is i said i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you well there s nothing that can change that anymore now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 339, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0281", "text": "it never get easier no matter how many year i wait it s not getting better i never learn to cope properly i don t even feel the slightest bit more okay or hopeful even after three year of therapy i am so fucking miserable every single day everything is so exhausting and i dread the fact that i have to wake up tomorrow and do something i just want to be left alone i can t deal with all of this i already shut down because of the smallest thing i have depressive episode every single day after work i don t want to live a a human being i hate this stupid world and everything in it i don t want it i never wanted to live in the first place i m so angry that i am forced to just exist because otherwise i d make people feel sad the joy i might feel for a few second once in a while doesn t make up for how much pain i go through daily none of this is fucking worth it and everyone who say it is is either lying to themselves or incredibly stupid", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 198, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0282", "text": "last november i had a week where i wa so scared of death i couldn t sleep eat drink do anything i have a lot of anxiety and this wa just another one of those thing which bother me every so often but a lot more intense at that point maybe day go by i m so scared i decide to get really high to forget about it not a great idea but nothing go bad day later i start to have really really intense muscle twitching it made my anxiety so bad i had to go go a amp e a i couldn t breathe fast forward month later and i m still twitching every 0 second haven t used any drug in that time until the last week or two i ve noticed it make the twitching way worse when high if i m anxious at all but if i m not anxious the twitching is the same a normal so i m pretty sure it is anxiety related have had blood test done for deficiency s and nothing i also had a test done which told me i m producing time the normal amount of adrenaline constantly pretty sure this is the cause i have no idea what to do and how to stop this and it s driving me insane i m trying to get anxiety med but i have no official anxiety diagnosis so i m not sure if i even can i ve got a doctor appointment earliest they could do is in a month and a half could anyone help me on what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 277, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0283", "text": "i know they have good intention but lot of the time they make me feel worse i don t like it when they ask too many question when i withdraw yet when i go to tell them my actual problem they indirectly tell me to get over it and don t think im depressed sometimes it seems like my mood is an inconvenience for them so they want me to be happy so they can be happy it s draining i m tired of them being nosy when when i need to be alone stop asking me to who i m talking to stop asking me what i m doing when i m not doing anything stop looking at my stuff and asking me question stop getting upset with me for being in a bad mood or trying to force me to be happy again i can t this is why i hate socializing with anyone in general it take up too much energy that i don t have and i m tired of having to hide whatever this heaviness i m feeling inside to make others happy i m tired of being the caretaker and human note pad to vent at all day i m tired of putting on a mask and pretending to be happy when i feel like garbage i hate myself i m tired all the time i feel like a failure and a waste of space i just want to be alone i don t want anyone to look at me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 260, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0284", "text": "im gon na copy and paste the title just to continue the story from that point on so here go nothing this ha been the worst month of my life but ill start with a light hearted day earlier this month a meth head tried to take my phone the bitch at the ssi building tried to 0 me then i got bit by a dog all in the same day what i dont understand is that im more upset about this pale blonde brazilian girl i met and lost in a span of day might be bipolar a well what i dont understand is how can i handle a fucked up day like that like it nothing and go through thing that could end in death seem to recover in minute but small thing like family argument or this situation with this girl seem to make me feel upset for so long i dont understand that at all i hope thing get better but ever since i droped acid about week ago this ha been on one end the worst month of my life but some part the best just the good part never last now my life is like a real life nightmare i might be schizo now a well also my depresion is worse then ever now before all this i lived in the car for year with bed bug now i have a voucher so im fine now and live in a place and am safe now but i just feel so stupid whenever i complain about anything now because i feel like it me not appreciating what i have i just dont get why this horible feeling wont go away i dont know what to do im here on reddit talking to random people dealing with the same thing because i just dont know what else to do it wa helping at first but i just feel so lost for no reason i feel like thing are good now but inside i feel the worst ive ever felt i dont wan na feel sad anymore i just want this horible feeling to go away", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 370, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0285", "text": "hello i have been dealing with bad anxiety for le than a week now which mean that it might not last for long but the idea of it just going away seems unrealistic and i want to be able to deal with my anxiety in the future if it pursues me for the rest of my life i am year of age and live alone i a couple of close friend and family and before my first panic attack where i thought i wa dying i wa having the best time of my life to be completely honest and it somewhat saddens me that my life took at turn for the worse i have always had bad social anxiety but it ha gotten better though my panic attack and my panicked state since last sunday have me questioning what is happening and if the anxiety stem from something unresolved i acknowledge that this would better be discussed with a therapist but the wait time is long to be clear i have far from lost hope but i would like to hear how you guy on here figured out what might be causing it if you did and lastly everyone should know that anxiety isn t going to be the same forever even if it seems bad it can change for the better just like a person and it is natural even though the body s instinct might be acting out of whack", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 246, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0286", "text": "hi friend i stopped using weed and caffeine and day ago respectively and i ve seen my anxiety increase exponentially obviously i used both to kinda suppress my normal anxiety but now i m going au natural and a you can tell it s not going ideally but i m happy to have made the choice i did i have felt a weird knot sensation in the right upper side of my abdomen feel like it s right under my rib cage and occasional pain throughout my digestive system i ve been constipated for about day too i know so much info and while i m able to still go i still feel a discomfort in my side like someone took a five pound weight and just placed it on the side of me is this normal with anxiety i haven t started any antidepressant i ve been prescribed because i want to see how naturally i can do this but my mind is telling me withdrawal and to just be patient but i don t want to be too patient in case it s something that i should have a doctor check out thought", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0287", "text": "i ve struggled with anxiety and depression since i wa a teenager i m now so it s been about 0 year of dealing with my silly little brain i first started taking zoloft back in maybe 0 maybe before then but i took the pill for several year last september i started noticing an increase of suicidal thought this can happen with ssri i believe i think the zoloft just stopped working for my brain and body so i stopped cold turkey i didn t have any major issue please don t comment the risk i know what they are and i m doing okay now for a few month i wa fine i could feel my feeling again feel my emotion and it wa kinda nice i felt almost free but after awhile i think all of the zoloft build up left my body sound weird but hear me out and i started feeling a bad a i did when i wa a teen health anxiety er trip panic attack daily so even though i do badly wanted to try to make it without medication i couldn t do it and that is okay for about month i ve been on lexapro and it s been helping the anxiety here s the revelation i had so i have only been on one other ssri in my life so i never realized this but holy fuck i finally understand what people mean when they say that medication almost completely numbs your emotion i can t remember the last time i cried and i usually cry a lot a an emotional person i feel very neutral i don t feel nothing but i don t feel the way i did unmedicated i think there will always be pro and con to medication but damn i finally after a decade understand what this medication doe it help but it also kinda turn you into an emotionless machine weird", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 342, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0288", "text": "what s the actual point of stopping me from doing this it will allow a person who is suffering to not suffer any more i don t want to do this any more it s a never ending battle and i m tired say i m a quitter i don t care why do you care about the life of a person on the internet who will never contact or see you who you for all mean should not have any personal connection to you yet people still care to tell me to stop when i m that close to stopping the pain at this point i could care le about most of my family most of them are why i want myself dead anyway my friend would read the note i d be leaving and understand why i did it i know these paragraph are completely intelligible but i just don t get why suicide is a bad thing to people why do people think it s a bad thing that s the one thing i don t get", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0289", "text": "i ve been struggling with depression for basically my whole life i wasn t diagnosed with anything until a year ago but i believe it s been a problem for me for the last year im really getting frustrated with myself because i see where i used to be and the potential i had and so doe everyone else yet i ve been struggling to get out of bed can t commit to school i ve blocked myself off from seeing friend for reason i m not even sure of long story short i m not who i should or want to be ha anyone else struggled with this i know for myself that i really somedays can not get out of bed but is this something that i can control i want to be better for myself i don t want to have these reoccurring thought of suicide and self hatred am i using it a an excuse to be lazy everyday talking to my parent make me feel like i m just being lazy and i m constantly comparing myself to my brother who appear to be doing good in life please tell it to me straight don t tell me everything will get better i need to fix this asap", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 218, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0290", "text": "i m beyond worthless i will never be able to provide anything to anyone in any capacity i m no more than a worm i just want to break everything in my house smash everything in a complete rage and finish it off with a bullet to the brain i ve never been so furious in my entire year of living im in a perpetual state of anger lately i ve started burning myself with cigarette again i push them into myself until the pain fade i do it far up my arm so no one see them at work i don t need those stupid fuck questioning me i never liked cutting myself burning hurt a lot more in my opinion it s what i deserve me being alive is fucking crime i should just fucking end it now so nobody get hurt from me i m sure my family won t give a shit they ll probably be happier with the load off their shoulder and my friend will get over it quickly it s been over a year since i ve seen them in person we ve already drifted to far from each other in our life we re basically stranger", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0291", "text": "i m renting a room from a guy that i know from aa i heard from others that he s very odd and clean some even told me not to rent from him but the area i m in is in a housing crisis right now and i needed a place to land we ve had a lot of spat over very minor thing but he blow them up to a huge proportion one thing that i did that wa really bad wa i accidentally left my space heater on while i wa at work i realize that s dangerous and costly but i offered to pay the entire month s electricity which he refused and promised that it would never happen again recently i think he went through my drawer but i can t prove it he got really pissed off that i had a set of silverware in my room and gave me 0 day notice to leave it got pretty heated and i said that i need to contact a lawyer because the thing he s threatening to kick me out over are very minor and are basically personality thing he doesn t like i sleep in too late on my day off he ll go through the trash and confront me about thing he think i shouldn t be eating i sleep with my tv on etc we agreed on a move out date of june 0th but the heat in the house is not dying down i feel very unsafe living here just because i don t know the next thing he s going to blow up over i m also moving to a new city in june and i know that he s not going to give me a good review especially after threatening a lawyer this is a verbal agreement and i pay month to month so i know some apartment don t count that a a real tenant history lease though essentially it s like living with a friend for a couple of month i m so stressed out this is on top of me finishing my ph d and the pressure is insane i ve told my friend more thing that have gone on here and they agree that this guy is ludicrous and unwell what should i do am i truly in the wrong and i m that bad of a roommate i keep the house very clean including the room that i pay for i m serious that i think he go through my stuff", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 433, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0292", "text": "ive been struggling with my mental health for a really long time even throughout secondary school the only thing is ive always pushed it down and gotten away with achieving my academic expectation despite how im struggling ive never told anyone about my problem not even my mum i guess i never wanted to worry her and also took alot of pride in being able to handle myself and not needing help from anyone i guess the combination of leaving it untreated and uni stress ha made it get worse and worse to the point it spiralled out of control i dont know the last time i actually ate a meal rather than just snack food all day the light is broken in my bathroom and i cant call maintenance to fix it because of the state of my dorm i have a nocturnal sleeping schedule and i rarely shower or leave my room i cant apply for special circumstance and try to finish the year because i cant even get out of bed let alone catch up on load of work and missed assignment i really just need to go home and eliminate the stress in order to seek medical treatment and get better but i dont know how to break it to my mum because she think im perfectly fine like how doe it go from being completely okay to me being in a full blown crisis just like that for her it not that i dont think she ll understand but i feel like im a completely different person than who she see no idea of anyone will see this but id really appreciate some advice support because ive never spoken to anyone about my mental health and idk what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 298, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0293", "text": "feeling embarrassed about taking time off from work for grief depression i just recently lost a loved one about week ago and although the grief shock and mourning ha subsided i m now dealing with some depressive symptom that are making it a bit challenging to perform at work i tried to go back after only a week and i didn t do so well so my manager advised i take the rest of this week off to deal with thing and then come back next week i work in mental health so i have a very understanding workplace but i just feel so embarrassed about this a i m a graduate in a new job concerned people are talking about me worried about all that i m missing out on whilst taking this time off worried that it look bad on my behalf i m just feeling very ashamed atm even though it s not my fault i explained to my manager what i m going through e g depression lowered capacity to function and i feel embarrassed even about that just being so vulnerable feel very odd if anyone ha any similar story please let me know", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 201, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0294", "text": "i wouldn t necessarily say i don t know what i really want in life it s more like i m still experimenting on what i enjoy to draw and to make a career out of it hopefully replace it with the current job i m working in a for the current job i m working a a custodian housing custodian at a university it s a lot of work and you got to be extremely fast pace and versatile i m diagnose with chronic depression anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder it s so hard trying to keep up everyone s expectation i m always slow and having a hard time trying to finish everything i just feel like i m letting people down and i try so hard to push myself over my limit to match theirs i can only do what i can and i even told my supervisor about my disorder to accomodate me which he did but i still feel like perhaps i m not the right canidate and i m fearing the call of being fired and getting complaint for not finishing certain amount of floor on time my mindset so far i m doing what i can and if it s not enough then i tried my best but i know with my mental disorder i will go back down the spiral i called my supervisor and express my frustration even though he said everyone adores me and i m being too hard on myself i know these compliment won t last long i really don t want to quit this job but i feel like shit when i m bringing other people down with my slow dumbass illness", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 293, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0295", "text": "there s nothing left for me in life and i ve kept this calm cool facade that i m fine for so long it s impressive i m failing school i have zero love life and i have no idea what to do for a living and i don t think there is anything i want to do i have no passion keeping me alive i ve literally just been having sex and dling drug literally anything to give me some small momentary bit of joy at this point it barely doe that i m a failure and god taken away every piece of happiness i could possibly have i ve disappointed the people who love me most and i can t keep being a drain on their life if i kill myself it ll hurt them but no one will truly miss me after a couple year it would be so much better for my parent if i died i m such a fucking failure it hurt i never wanted this life i had potential at one point but i never realized how quickly god can turn it all around", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 193, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0296", "text": "i ve been suffering from bout of depression since my dad died last year i wa already in the second semester of my master s when it happened i finished that semester with the exception of my research method course and then i took a leave of absence then in september 0 i went back to school to work on my placement at a political office until november from january to march i worked there part time until my contract finished and told them that i would be focusing on my thesis until my school is finished my thesis didn t go a planned and i can t help but feel like i ve let my supervisor down she is super sweet and although she is very busy she ha been very supportive and know what happened to my dad my thesis ended up not having enough interview not enough literature and i d have to finish it by next week and find a second reader in order to graduate on time this wa also my fault because i feel like i haven t been taken my mental health seriously enough a i have had so many day where i did not want to do anything i ve procrastinated so much a a result of fear depression grief and burnout etc i just have not mentioned this to my supervisor because i don t want to be making excuse it would take a miracle for me to finish this all on time and i really want to because it s so expensive to pay for another semester i m feeling so depressed over this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 278, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0297", "text": "i m really desperate i m a yr old guy with no job even if i graduated from college no girlfriend never kissed or hugged a girl in my life no real friend most of them are toxic amp manipulative nothing special about me i don t know if i m pretty or ugly smart or dumber i m so confused about my self image it s like i live in hell get rejected by ton of girl ton of job offer i feel like i will live my whole life virgin single jobless loser i m too nice too shy always extremely anxious and stressful dealing with brain fog bad accent shitty voice low self esteem zero talent nothing good about me maybe i m only good at math amp coding i can t hold a good conversation with anyone only with my mom amp my brother i feel kinda confident speaking and it s been a while i m depressed living with a dark mood i feel like i m a loser amp i can do nothing i can t even go to gym practice favorite hobby or enjoying any movie youtube video video game etc i don t know what to do with my life i only think about option therapy ending my life sorry for my english it s not my native langage", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 231, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0298", "text": "for context i m a yr old mom of two kid my daughter is and my son is month i have been struggling with all type of mental illness for a long a i can remember i wa raised by a narcissist alcoholic mom and a dad who wa barely there because he wa working to support u i have attempted to take my life more than time and have been hospitalized for my mental health and nothing seems to help i m in therapy and on med and i am just tired of fighting myself i just want it all to stop my husband is never really home do you work and i m all alone all the time with our kid the only reason i m still alive is because they need me not even because i want to be alive there is nothing enjoyable for me anymore every time i think about it i cry i cry for my kid who deserve a better mom and a better life i cry for my husband who doesn t understand what it s like to feel this way and think i should just be ok i cry because i want it all to end so badly and i can t even do that right i m not still here because i want to be and i feel so much guilt for that i just want to feel normal and sometimes it feel like dying is the only way to make it stop", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0299", "text": "no matter how hard i try i just seem to be a background character to everyone else for year i have tried to be a better person socialize more be extroverted dress nicely workout try to be friendlier love yourself yada yada yada it s all bullshit lie i told myself delusion that i thought would make me be noticed and at least somewhat respected but in the end it seems like i don t even exist it s absolutely soul crushing i feel like most people just look right through me a if i were a ghost the shadow of what once wa a person i ve never had anyone i could truly call a friend just recently my best friend told me that i wasn t even his best friend that there wa someone else that he see a his true best friend i m not angry at him just dissapointed at the circumstance i m just another shoulder to cry on for every person i talk to i ve never had a girlfriend no one ever really loved me that sting the most i constantly hear story about people and their experience with love yet here i am at 0 year old never even having kissed anyone at my age my brother already had several girlfriend so did all the other people at my age that i know i feel like a fucking clown i really am le than human i ve always been the laughingstock of the fucking world never been respected always ignored i m depressed and suicidal but most of all i m angry if people don t want to see me i will fucking force them to see me they ll have no other choice but to see me one way or another", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 312, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0300", "text": "about three week ago i quit my job of year after believing spending all my time at work wa making me severely depressed day after i quit were the happiest i ve been in a long time but it quickly went away and i got trapped into another very depressed cycle i haven t put any work towards anything in week just moping around all day until i have to go to sleep my biggest problem is that i feel like i m watching my dream die i would love to entertain people like how most people do on youtube etc but i have no talent no skill and a horrible lisp i ve started many project but have stopped all of them really early a i have no motivation to keep doing them anyway the only option i have left in life is to go work another job be unhappy and live the same miserable life or i can kill myself it sound bad but i don t have any problem with suicide my whole life is built on regret and failure with nothing that i can truly be proud of honestly i don t want to go through with this but it feel like the better choice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0301", "text": "i m am worried about potentially developing schizophrenia eventually my sister 0 is suffering from this disease right now of my mom aunt also had it my parent did not have it they both passed away and year ago i know the onset of symptom typically occurs in the 0 for male i smoked weed very often almost daily when i wa in a smoking mode but i also took a few tolerance break anywhere from month the past year but recently i decided to stop i also tripped on lsd 9 time within one year but the last trip i had wa almost year ago i know lsd weed and stressful situation can trigger dormant mental illness in people but i am wondering if schizophrenia would already have been triggered and active in me given my history i didn t know i had a family history of the disease until about year ago so please don t shame me for my ignorance i also just found out there wa a link between weed and schizophrenia in the past year and thankfully i have conquered my battle with weed even though it took some time do you think my previous drug usage will come back to haunt me if someone could provide some number for what my odds look like that would be nice a far a i can tell i am not in a prodromal phase but after leaving the weed behind i am worrying myself a lot thinking about all this thanks for any input", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 265, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0302", "text": "so i m nearly and since about age i ve struggled 90 of the time with everything feel lost with my life and job don t have the drive to want or even put in effort into finding a girlfriend in a job i don t really want a future in but have no interest or enthusiasm about anything i am just plodding along and it s so so shit have friend that are starting to establish themselves and live quite happily and progress in themselves so all i do is compare and procrastinate don t like spending money have about 0k saved up and a car worth about k which in the grand scheme of thing is nothing so i just see myself living this shit average little life with no actual purpose and that i m running out of time but don t seem to do anything about it the laziness is mental laziness not physical fail to see any improvement or have any positive outlook because all i think about 00 of the time is what s wrong in my life my whole perception of everything is bad and all in my head can t shift it because it feel so natural now brain fog for about year shit memory no focus can t think straight or rationally don t know if i m too hard on myself or expect too much or if i know i can be doing better i just don t even know is how i d sum up my feeling", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 268, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0303", "text": "making plan jotting them down laugh emoji response my friend don t know my sentence end in an unspoken if by then i m still alive tightness in the chest with each breath eating and hating myself not eating and hating myself just hating myself a i hold back tear steadily typing despite intrusive thought of suicide what is the cleanest way to go the least intrusive a way to contain the mess a way so what s left can do some good scenario play in my mind some may notice a few will cry no one break everyone move on my life is pointless pointless pointless i am useless useless useless if i keep smiling and laughing and eating and talking no one will see me shaking no one will see my tear no one will see my bruise or hear my unspoken word if by then i m still alive thanks for reading my crappy writing if you made it this far i wrote this tonight because my brain wouldn t shut up i ve had all these thought on and off for a while now i feel like these thought are becoming more and more frequent and intrusive i reached out to my primary care physician asking about a psychiatrist and i wa told to find one myself since it wasn t clear i needed a referral then i tried a couple of time to find one online and couldn t find one in my area i wa willing to talk to so i gave up if i m at work and interacting i m mostly ok i think i only had really fucked up thought once or twice but if i m alone at night my brain go haywire and this stuff pop in i need to stay busy to keep it out but i m too lazy to stay busy enough to keep it out anyway i m not a danger to myself right now i don t have the mean to play out the scenario in my head and i haven t tried to get them i don t want anyone i know to read this but i need to share it somewhere so i can only post it here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 386, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0304", "text": "after these few day i ve slowly started to realize something i m a living bad omen i have so many issue i m so mentally ill so many disability my life ha never been the slightest bit normal nothing is ever easy i m stuck in an asian household i m probably gon na forcefully get married be a housewife and get forced to have child i m not even a woman but this is a very religious country that belief what you are is what gender your assigned at birth i did fall in love really hard but he s across the world from me his mom hate me and everyone is against our relationship and i m causing him more harm than anything and he keep trying regardless to be with me i hate that i feel so bad because i m not worth it and it s not going to amount to anything these few day proved to me that i just have to accept that my life wa meant to be a misery so many problem so many illness cant even go to school i ve already attempted today didn t work i wasn t strong enough so now i m just injured i ve got absolutely nothing going for me i m just wasting my parent money for food and clothes they just wanted a normal kid who can make them proud i can t even leave the fucking house i can barely even see god decided to give me every single bit of ugliness there is in the world and i m slowly starting to accept that i wa rebelling against it for awhile i can still amount to something the world can t hate me forever but i know it isn t true i wish i could pas in my sleep or be able to get a noose to tie on my ceiling fan waking up every day is an absolute misery for me and i m just causing more pain to everything and everyone around me imagine living a life where you can t even look in the mirror that s me i have never once willingly looked in the mirror god won t give me anything and i ve stopped expecting anything at this point death is my only savior because life hold nothing for me only failure hatred instability and vulnerability", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 408, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0305", "text": "lately my best friend only long term friend ha just been brushing me off we joke for hour on end and i listen to them vent almost daily but when i brought up that i lost interest in all of my hobby again they go lmao same me a month ago and changed the subject i always put in an effort to be there for them even when i m in a low place and if i m not really able to feel empathy i tell them i refer them to help hotlines they refuse to get actual help i have given them every opportunity to get professional help by making a list of therapist in their area that take their insurance i ve given them every helpline under the sun whenever i have relative advice i give it to them but they always ignore it at one point i just stopped i stopped trying so hard and realized how much they rely on me to do everything for them they asked me a question i usually google it for them and summarize it i told them to google it they got annoyed with me so i cut them off for a few week whenever we started talking again thing were going well but of course a their type doe they eventually fell back into old habit this is strike for me and while i really don t want to lose the positive time we have together they just don t outweigh the negative i m tired i ve put in constant work and effort into being a healthy and stable a i am today and i m honestly not willing to slow down or trip up because of them i m open to any feedback or advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 303, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0306", "text": "tw depression mention to ed light mention of disassociation i think that s everything first time i ve written anything and don t expect people to see it but idk the idea of having my anger written down in a le private area is comforting idk like diary piss me off sometimes bc i m writing shit down but then what it s just for me it feel the same a it being just in my head sometimes sometimes i think it s great and v therapeutic and everyone prefers different thing it s absolutely a valid technique so no hate but anyway i hate the fact that i can t cry anymore i m numb all the fucking time idk what i want ever i feel so bad about myself when i see my face for more than like minute which is an issue bc i facetime my long distance girlfriend a lot and can t get away from it i feel so bad about myself when i feel hungry still working through a lot of issue with food so i m constantly feeling on the edge of a relapse i m so numb to everything i couldn t tell my girlfriend that i loved her for like week and i felt so guilty about it but it felt like a lie to say and i couldn t bring myself to do it bc i just don t feel anything she s been really understanding but ik it upset her so i ve started saying it again but i still find it hard bc i feel no connection to the word i know that i love her like she s the best thing that s ever happened to me but the word just feel empty i feel so distant from myself and emotion and even with all this guilt and resentment and sadness towards myself i can t even breakdown over it it s actually breaking me i feel like i can t do it anymore i just wan na feel again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 349, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0307", "text": "i 9 f moved to a different state to support my partner while they re at school we went from a duel income household to me being the breadwinner i wa diagnosed with adhd anxiety and depression last year and am on med and in therapy i just keep screwing up at work the work isn t hard but i m making stupid mistake i feel like im not doing anything correctly i try to be thorough and am told by my bos that i m getting too caught up in the detail i try to be quick and cover the basic and am told that it isn t my best work i have no idea what to do i m told to ask question if i don t understand by my bos and when i do she s short with me example i asked if i should include document with a proposal because the last time i did there wa push back from someone saying they didn t need to provide the document she replied if i wa asking if i needed to follow to the standard operative procedure i feel stuck my performance ha been worse partially due to depression which ha affected my focus cue adhd issue med for that aren t working great i just feel so stuck i m literally cry once a week bc i feel like i m failing so badly i m literally doing working extra because i m behind and not charging for it bc i just feel like i m so behind i started this new job and wa immediately sent home to telework full time so i can t just ask the people around me for help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0308", "text": "my childhood cat died in a horrible accident while no one wa in a room and i saw all the aftermath happen when i ran into the room i ve had anxiety of slamming door book heavy object in general ever since a few day ago my dad wa working on my car since it ha leak and the door were open our other cat are free to go outside and they were out and about since it wa nice well my dad got done working on the car and closed the door later he asks me to put the car in the garage i go and start the car open the garage and begin pulling forward just then i hear two raspy meow and all the blood rush from me i almost start cry i m hyperventilating i jump out of my car and check under the tire but no one is there my cat jump onto my dashboard from the backseat of the car i m so horrified at this point but begin to calm down knowing shes okay and that my dad accidentally locked her in the car for a little bit i m glad shes safe but ever since then i ve had nightmare of running over my cat with the gory imagery coming from my first cat death and those meow my cat voice is naturally like that but sounding more in pain and raspy i dont know why i m so scared i dont even want to drive anymore because of this i always double click my lock button before i unlock and get in so that my car beep and scare away anything my parent get mad at me for doing it in the morning i m so scared of another accident what do i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 315, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0309", "text": "when i female wa a very young kid i wa exposed to unrestricted internet access i watched a lot of porn and i recently remembered at time i would watch bestiality and animal mating i wa young and didnt know what i wa watching i didnt know what the feeling i wa having were i remember once i tried to get my dog to lick me when i wa it didnt happen because thank god i realized how weird it wa and stopped before anything happened im now and not attracted to animal at all im scared that maybe i wa when i wa young but i wonder maybe i wasnt attracted to them just curious to sex of all kind because i wasnt aware of it at the time im experiencing suicidal thought and so worried i should kill myself do you think i should kill myself am i overreacting im desperate for advice and reassurance but if i dont deserve reassurance go ahead and tell me how disgusting a human i am", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0310", "text": "idk why life is like this i put in so much time and hour into working and working and escaping from fcking situation venezuela economy is so destroyed that i left to per only to treated like a second class person and given a cold shoulder whenever i got into a job i didn t care i keep going and i got myself into collegue working hr day for month on fish i literally would go to class with my fishing boot because i wouldnt have time in my shift to chance and right now i m just sad the pandemic made me loss everything again i havent eaten anything in day i m short a 00 buck on rent i still havent graduated i have tried nobody want to hire an inmigrant nobody want to rent his apartment to an inmigrant even this place i m renting rn is more expensive for the mere fact that i wa not born here i just want rest some freedom not waking up and be uncertain if i m gon na have food that day or not i m feeling relaxed if i actually think about it my mom would be the only person sad about it which is the only reason i still havent done it i m literally right here with a blade on a hand just thinking about my mom and damn doe it hurt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0311", "text": "look i know everyone ha a sad story to tell i m no different and i know that in reality no one truly care about your past i don t even give a shit about my past anymore but i have nothing left in me i don t have anything to fight for even out of spite the world suck as my life ha had plenty of shitty time and a handful of good one but i m at my final limit rent is due again in about a week after month of being unemployed i still have no job i interview constantly i research how to be better i have a degree i have applied to anything and everything i m practically begging for work now and still nothing i have no money left i have no family i have applied at job i m qualified for with all of my experience but also grocery store coffee shop restaurant anything that say it s hiring i m not going to be able to pay my half of the rent next week and when i think about it it make me so ill that i ll puke thinking about how am i going to look my partner in the face and tell him that i just don t have any money left he ha seen me struggling he know i haven t had a job since november i have credit card debt i don t spend any extra money ever i have food stamp i think about ending everything every day all i do is try to not cry constantly i can barely muster up fake smile anymore i have never felt so down in my entire life i feel a though i have been cursed but even then that would give me hope a that would mean it could be broken somehow maybe i have never felt so close mentally to believing truly believing that i wanted to die i just don t want to face this i really can t exist like this in this life anymore i don t see a way out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 357, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0312", "text": "my last day i will pick a sunny day wake up and put on some of my best summer attire go get food from a good restaurant i would like a good last meal to be honest then i will go and xplore some place i have become fond of and reminisce of the few n far between happy day of my childhood and other time i might add to this later if i can find stuff i think is worth doing then for the night i have a nice bottle of whisky and some benzos i plan on consuming whilst listen to my favourite music i will try to enjoy a much time a possible between then and now i have a rope that is ready noosed and just need hooked up to a nice tree i have already sadly picked out one that is high enough but easy to climb then whilst i listen to music feeling chill and tranquil a the pill start to take effect i will sit in said tree with noose around my neck phone emergency service tell them where my body will be located then i will fall and asphyxiate myself in to the abyss i look forward to that day sorry for rambling i am terrible and language in general wish you all peace because i will find mine eventually", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 237, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0313", "text": "im and mo postpartum i don t know if i have ppocd but the intrusive thought are becoming unbearable my baby is healthy and for the most part happy a lot of the time i feel like a shitty mom because i work full time while my boyfriend is at home with the baby and when i get home im too exhausted to clean house or play with my baby i carry so much guilt about other people watching my son on my day off so i can get thing done because i m his mom and i should be able to take care of him and everything else myself tonight he wa losing his sh t bc he wa overtired his screaming made me feel like i wanted to hurt him or myself i would never hurt him but the thought get so loud i can t seem to escape them i wa in a psych hospital last month but it didn t help at all these thought are a constant sometimes i feel like having a baby wa the wrong choice and i ruined my life and the only way to fix my issue is to end it i just feel so alone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0314", "text": "just feel like total shit honestly nobody text me it feel like nobody want anything to do with me i m just so fucking lonely all i want is somebody to hold me and tell me it s okay but i m so afraid of letting people see me broken my friend kept trying to talk to me earlier he said i seemed out of it which i wa but i just said i wa fine and pretended i wasn t bothered i honestly don t know how much longer i can handle feeling like this feeling so lonely and broken i just wish i had somebody in my life who would talk to me and keep my occupied and make me feel wanted i m such an asshole i killed the vibe when i wa with my friend earlier and now they probably won t want to hangout or talk to me anymore i feel like such a failure and just wish i could die in my sleep sometimes i just don t want to do it anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0315", "text": "i have this tendency to abandon pretty much everything when something or someone becomes somewhat of a challenge i just leave them i have ghosted girlfriend i have completely disregarded good friend just because they invited me to do something i did t want to do i have abandoned friend who had lent me a hand i have abandoned work just because i didn t feel capable i make stupidi excuse and then run away yesterday i stood up from my new job and left made a bogus excuse v a text and quit via email the job had a lot of potential but it wa too stressful for me i have just noticed this is a pattern in how i cope with thing every time i feel trapped i just want to bust out i have a deep rooted belief that i need to be in control of my time and my space and when something or someone interferes with that i should be entitled to claim my supposed freedom i don t know how to deal with this i just noticed this pattern and i can see how it affect my life p english is not my first language typing on phone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 208, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0316", "text": "it can take me almost a week to clean something simple or put away a small pile of laundry i didn t even eat today by anxiety wa too high and when i brought it down the depression wa unbearable all i can think about is how i never asked to be in this life to be born especially in today society i have trouble connecting with people and my social anxiety is so bad all the therapist i ve seen never really cared and acted like i wa being over dramatic the pill made everything worse and now i m apparently treatment resistant i can t even finish my resume because i m terrified of being around people again yet i can t find anyone who care enough to help my friend don t understand and they ve given up on me i just want a simple stay at home job with very little human interaction my friend said that s impossible which made me even more suicidal i hate the phrase it s a permanent fix to a temporary situation this isn t temporary i ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for basically year now yes i ve tried to get help but nothing ha worked i just keep getting worse i don t want to wake up i m too afraid of messing up an attempt that i haven t gone through with it i m just stuck in this hellish existence and i just want it to end i have no purpose no meaning please i just want it to end", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 267, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0317", "text": "i ve been waking up and going through the same day repeatedly for a long time i wanted to get better but i wanted this particular person to be by my side while i did it i ve made a plan and set a date i know in my heart it s the right choice i just hope he doesn t blame himself when it happens it wasn t him that make me want to follow through i m just done hurting everyone that come in to my i m done being ashamed of the person i ve become and i m done looking like i don t care i felt every emotion so keenly that it forced me to realize that those very same emotion made me react in a way that i wasn t proud of my reality is shifting and these shadow are the only thing that is my company nothing is ever going to change for me even if i go to therapy even if i get med sooner or later it always return i m done being a prisoner of my own mind idek why i m posting this maybe hoping the right person will see me and talk me out of it it s not that i lack love it s actually the opposite i have so many mental health issue that i m such a burden on my family now my addiction ha returned i m just so done with living like this it s a little ironic my selfishness is the cause of all this selfish to the end i m sorry s i hope you don t blame yourself and if by chance you see this i want you to know i think this is always how it would have ended", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 303, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0318", "text": "im falling apart bad i fell from grace and i don t know where i m going where do i begin i m so insecure i just got a bad haircut today and i feel ugly i m and a guy im just constantly in pain a little over a month ago my girlfriend left me this wa on february th i had such a beautiful girlfriend who didn t care about my height she started liking me in high school i m starting to feel like i m giving up i miss her so much she treated me like i wa a human and now i have no faith in anyone else looking at me like that she wa with me for and a year and left me i feel like my life is crumbling i don t know how to stand back up and take back over i had a fall from what i thought would never end i never thought she would leave me i m literally just a pit of despair and i act everyday like i m not i go laugh a little go to class go to the gym it s all fake i feel like garbage inside i went to party the last week and had fun all fake my heart ha been in my stomach since she broke up with me and i m seriously falling apart i don t know what to do i can t even gather my thought on here to type what s the point anymore i m barely hanging in there anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 266, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0319", "text": "so i recently moved to a state 000 mile away from my home with my parent even though there wa no point in it i m and this isn t just the right place for me and there s nothing i can do about it all my family member who lived here convinced my parent to move over here cause apparently it s better when i m here my anxiety ha gone up by a lot i can t even sit still in peace after getting into a fight like my mind constantly telling me we need to go back home i never got along with others in public and got into fight at school already did drug and a lot of stuff like that my parent think this is the best environment and i m still acting like this and they never listen to me i m having a talk with my therapist in a few day do you think they could convince my parent that this isn t a good place for me and recommend u to move out of the state for better mental health for me mentally and emotionally because i just do not belong here i wa so much better a a person in my hometown now i can t even tell if this is me i even have done drug here for the first time and yet my parent family think i m the problem not the environment what can i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0320", "text": "i m m and i have been single my whole life because my anxiety around girl a a young kid up till now i have always had this anxiety towards girl i like and this fear ha stopped me from pursuing girl also i get anxious in crowd or party which i try to avoid at all cost when i go any place where there are a lot of girl like the gym i get really anxious if cute girl are around me i always hope none of them talk to me because i will get anxious and it may show it always feel like i m battling myself to look normal and not anxious to minimize my anxiety i avoid eye contact with any girl i would say i m a handsome guy and i have been told that all my life by several people i m also confident in myself for the most part i think but despite that i still have this anxiety towards girl and the thing is i know the way to cure this is to start talking to girl but the fear is too much for me it ha got to the point were i m starting to accept that i may be single for the rest of my life another thing is my parent always ask me if i m gay they always say how am i handsome and don t get girl i always tell them it because i have anxiety but they still don t understand this just needed to vent thanks for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 263, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0321", "text": "everyone s depression stem from the world how can you create your own world to make that depression go away no crazy event in my life make me depressed but the world a a whole doe being like me you see everything i see all the behind the scene shit that go on and it s unfortunate i see everyone for who they truly are my brain is wired to out think everyone because i m a male and use logic i use my logic so much that you come to a point where you see life is actually dogshit thing are such a waste life is rigged and people are actor it s like everything is ruined for me and i can never be happy because my brain see the reality of thing most people live in delusion or a fairy tale like life mean something i see no meaning feel like shit then keep having a snowball affect from being depressed then a the future keep coming i get more behind in this game called life it s like everyone is on their foot running to something meaningless while i sit back and watch the rat so much engine in the world i have a human instinct in me that i wish i never had i distant myself from these human because i hate them all but then the human side kick in and i m lonely because everyone ha feeling i want to create my own reality to make it a fun one living but it s impossible to create my own reality when i have such logical thinking and have to face reality everyday it s so tough because i think a girlfriend would really help me finding meaning and feeling love but i ve never been outgoing in my life because i m just so sad about this reality i have ton of drive and motivation i just need help but can t get nothing because people tend to only help and treat you well when you re in a good spot in life but people who need just some little help don t get it because they appear to be sad and depressed like myself and people shy away from that no real people in this world to help me people find me scary cause i m and have the look of i hate life so no one want to come around me just me please all i need is to feel some fucking love that s it i never had a girlfriend in my life me rn though i m good looking tall and fit i think girl are scared because i see through all the bullshit they only come around when you re winning they never come around and take a chance on you to help create and build a winning man but instead girl wait at the finish line", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 491, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0322", "text": "recently i anonymously posted on my uni facebook page just to vent about my constant self doubt and how i struggle to do well in the course i want to succeed in because it s a dream job you can post anything there a long a it s uni related most comment were nice but this one absolutely unnecessary comment told me i should give up and how it s unfair that i m taking up space for others who will do better in my course like huh i know what they said is so off track and i should 00 ignore it cu they re a fking loser who know nothing about everything but i can t help but have it repeated in my head because i already have such a lack of self confidence in my skill and i genuinely believe that i m not cut out for it but i know damn well that i m trying what i can to achieve a goal despite everything around me but yeah needed to let this out i can t believe people like him exist it wasn t even just my post he shat on everyone else who wa struggling with uni how sad can your life be to do that", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0323", "text": "i m year old i don t really want to get into it much so i ll just say that life is not good and hasn t really ever been that good and lately it feel like i ve finally been pushed over the edge a bit i look like i ve aged year in and my nerve are going crazy i feel so stressed out that i can feel my face getting hot and my hand shake whenever something raise my stress above the baseline even a little i never feel like i can relax anymore and i have a hard time talking to people this doesn t feel sudden it feel more like something that s been gradually getting worse for year but i used to be very composed and social i want to get help for this but i m honestly clueless i don t even know if i have anxiety or if it s something else i don t have a family doctor either i m just not sure what to expect i m open to medicine if it work how did everyone here begin to get help and what wa it that helped you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 200, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0324", "text": "im tired exhausted of overthinking i want peace i want my brain to relax and stop thinking for a second im not patient and i want to be in a different part of my life already my job is not helping me at all i have to hide my mental health issue because i feel judged at my job and i know they won t believe me i want to at least work from home because thinking every day about having to go back to that place and committing two hour of my life there and back and then having to deal with the greed they showcase is disgusting trying to find a new job but i live in a place where the average applicant is more than 00 apps per job post waiting on grad application received an acceptance but it s even more heartbreaking than a denial because i can t afford it this world and the decision other make for u is cruel im tired of a lot i want to help others more than i want to help myself but i know i need myself to be good to make a positive impact for others i m really stuck i just want to cry and cry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 212, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0325", "text": "hey reddit family ive had seperate case of severe panic disorder for about year on and off i used to take lexapro on the smallest dose mg and then mg and it really helped me overcome my disorder completely the first time end of 0 9 into 0 0 but when i got panic disorder a second time end of 0 0 from smoking weed how i got panic first time i noticed not much of an impact on the same dose mg but i wa told multiple time to up my dose for it and i wa too scared to so i quit the medication cold turkey and got insane migraine headache thinking someting in my head wa gon na pop it wa so bad a a withdrawal i think and for the past year i ve been medicine free but i still get panic attack everyday heart race everyday nonstop evil bad thought and i m ready to get back on something my doc prescribed me celexa but i m very unsure about trying it bc i ve been so used to take lexapro and i ve been reading watching other ppl s experience on celexa and the side effect and they seem a little more extreme but i m just wondering what ur opinion would be thank u so much for the help god bless", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 242, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0326", "text": "hi something weird happened to me yesterday at noon i m tryna understand what it wa exactly i went to some very nice restaurent with my fwb that i ve known for month so we have a trustful relationship at the end of the meal i wanted to go to the toilet in the third room of the restaurent i wa feeling calm and not anxious at all in this moment i didn t know the exact place where the bathroom wa located but when i got to the third room i felt really overwhelmed like i never did before even on acid there were a lot of plate on the wall not that much people but i felt like i understood nothing anymore really had a panic feeling everything looked weird like a dream i felt very oppressed in my body a strange weight i never felt before it wa nothing like regular anxiety it had no reason to be and it happened very fast i wa standing alone in this room i don t even know if people were looking at me i could barely understand where people were or what they were doing i had a strange feeling that i wa really going to lose control of my mind if i stayed here like somebody wa mixing my brain and my perception didn t go to the bathroom get back to my friend he looked at me like this explained the shit to him he wa like i don t think it wa an acid flashback it may have happened to me some month ago and it wa pretty different perspective distortion color changing hallucination did you experienced something like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 290, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0327", "text": "so i have depression and anxiety for maybe 0 month and month i opened about it to my mom got a therapist and pysologist whatever at starting i wa like everything is gon na be good but it s not i realized ii dont wan na take the high dosage antidepressant and the therapist ain t for me and during all this i had my final for class 9 freshman of highschool i did not study and bit and just wa escaping the reality by playing game all day and avoiding my life and everything so i got my result and i passed all subject but did not pas science so i have to give retest it on and today is and i have been ignoring everything myself my problem my family and just talking to some people i made friend all day to avoid my life i can not avoid it anymore i dont wan na play my life on repeat everyday i also wan na redo the 9th grade but everyone think im dumb to waste a year but i really think i am not ready for the next year cuz of learning nothin this year and i just can not do it i think if i redo 9th grade it s a second chance im giving to meto make thing better slow and without taking hell lotta stress i used to be the perfect child i wish i never got depression it s ruining me and my mom s problem are increasing too i wan na study but i can not i just dont know why i feel so numb anyone got any advice plz", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 292, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0328", "text": "i m year old and i am so sad because life is pointless i feel like i know everything i know how life is supposed to go get a good job find a significant other do exciting thing together maybe have kid meet new people do different activity all through out life travel to new place get old and die somehow then what this whole idea of life is so boring i hate that i keep looking so far into life so analytically thats how depression make me see everything analytically and it is exhausting because i can never truly truly enjoy something i know life can be beautiful and fun at time in the moment it can be but i don t know why it s just not enough for me there ha to be something else to life something better there ha to be more right how am i supposed to do this everyday until i die that is such a long time i don t know how long i m going to last thinking like this make me the literal most boring person ever i feel bad for my friend the few i have i m so boring i never put passion into conversation because i seriously do not care enough because none of it matter and it s all pointless i feel so bad about myself and for everyone around me i m horrible please please help me find meaning in this gut wrenching life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0329", "text": "at my lowest low i become very apathetic or very angry at the majority of people and object around me i feel so lonely and making good friend and dating are so difficult for me while i understand this is difficult for many people i m only really focused on myself and how i feel because when i wa suicidal last year it wa due to not caring about myself now i care about myself but i hate other people for not caring about me in the way i want them to care about me i also have basically no money i make very little at my job because they won t promote me to being a full time teacher despite me working just a much a any other full time teacher in the building just another thing i m angry at people about i really wish i could meet people for any social benefit sex cuddling someone to talk to on a regular basis someone to watch tv with or go out to eat etc i crave those social interaction but i m struggling to find anyone to fill those hole thank you in advance for any help advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 203, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0330", "text": "i used to be someone who wa down with depression for a long time but this doesn t feel like it i wa working 0 hr since the beginning of this year due to my yearly busy season and i m suddenly asked to work jus 0hrs and honestly i feel so lost sometimes the anxiety is crippling like the smallest and most insignificant thing is anxiety inducing but other time i jus feel empty inside it s been a while i have talked to my friend and the only ppl i talk to are friend who keep reaching out despite me not texting them back it s not that i don t want to i jus don t have the energy i don t have the energy to get out of bed and i survived on one meal during a weekend i haven t listened to music or i do the thing i enjoy the most i jus don t know wat make me happy anymore and this is so not me i want to get back to the happier me sorry for the long rant but i can t go out and tell ppl that i miss work is there a diagnosis for this or is there anything that ha personally helped you to get out of this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 223, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0331", "text": "i m so fucking done with everything what s the point of life nothing i ever do will make a permanent impact nothing anyone ever doe will make a permanent impact sure you can be famous you can discover something important but what s the point all we have are our silly little life on our silly little planet and it s all going to be destroyed someday nothing is going to last even if we escape the expanding sun billion year from now if we still exist even if we flee to another place in space we re all just eventually going to die out all information and evidence of our existence will die out i could live any life i wanted i could be rich and famous painfully average or i could waste away all my life but it doesn t matter because no matter what i do nothing will ever be worth it what s the point of trying if i m just going to die everyone always say well enjoy the moment appreciate the little thing yeah no that s bullshit why should i enjoy anything if i won t even remember it after i die why should i do anything if nothing matter sure i can enjoy the moment but what s the point everything in the universe is going to die out some day and then it will just keep expanding and it ll be dark and cold and nothingness why did we even exist in the first place everything is so complicated i never asked to live but sometimes i want to live after i die because there ha to be something anything other than this i am so fucking desperate i really hope there s something after i die but at the same time i hope there s nothing because i m so tired of existing there s no point in it there s no point in anything and i can t enjoy life anymore because these thought keep coming up what do i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 344, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0332", "text": "i ve tried i ve put in effort i ve fought back and i did get better before it all went downhill again til i m back to square one then still i got told to try and put in more effort to fight back a if that wasn t what i have been doing to get this far to survive this far no matter how much effort i put in the end everything came back to nothing it s all meaningless they would only see the result without acknowledging nor appreciating the effort i m too tired to fight anymore i don t have anyone to talk to about my problem more like i don t have anyone that i trust enough for me to really open up to even the friend i got right now i can t feel a strong connection with them i don t even talk much with them also too scared to even talk to a therapist and seek help having to reveal my problem like that make me feel vulnerable miserable and embarrassing another reason for not seeking help is so i can break down even more until i really lose my mind and there d really be nothing better than dying i guess but mainly i hate the idea of having to reveal myself to others a i ve mentioned just before this i ve grown too tired i ve been spending a lot more time in my room playing game and barely doing anything productive outside of my work i don t have any motivation or dream sometimes i fear having to sleep at night because by the time i wake up i d have to go through another dull day again and repeat the same thing over and over again the problem is in me i can t run away from myself i wish i could just disappear from existence and it d be nice if no one would remember me at all i m going to sleep and i hope i won t wake up to greet another day but i know that ain t gon na happen will delete this post later i don t really like posting a rant like this too but i really needed to get it out a bit please don t mind this post at all and have a good day to whoever ha read this til the end", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 407, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0333", "text": "i ve had panic attack on and off all day it all started at am when my apartment broke out into an electrical fire luckily the place doesn t look too bad i wa actually allowed back inside i just don t have any power at the moment i go to uni though so i ve been doing work i only had a couple scorch mark on my wall my chair and the outlet cover on my wall where the fire came from melted it wasn t a great start i felt really down and out of it then i went to school and at the end of my band rehearsal i started having a panic attack halfway through the final piece we were running through i broke down i tend to hide my emotion so it wa very scary i haven t felt the same since i feel so behind i ve been in a depressive state for the last little while and i m very behind on school work and that kind of stuff i just needed to get all of that out sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 187, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0334", "text": "just recently moved into a small condo to be someone s caregiver and i have my own space but i am constantly worried about my neighbor especially the one bellow and above me i worry about every single conversation being overheard and listened to i worry that a a bigger guy i sound like an elephant walking to those bellow i worry that the fancy sound bar and subwoofer i bought before moving wa even an idea is too loud even at quiet level i hate this i feel like i am worried about every single nosie i make i am so used to living in a house with space between each one back when i could blast my music or watch movie with the bass turned up now i am paranoid of watching horror movie because i am afraid that one of my neighbor is going to hear scream and think something weird is going on or hell watching pretty much anything else because i don t want to be annoying i know this is all irrational i know the floor and wall are probably thicker then i think but anxiety won t let me relax i am just paranoid about every sound i make here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 213, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0335", "text": "i had an alternative account where i post in subreddits related to video game i like asking for strategy i guess i did that too often without noticing anyway i got an anonymous reddit care resource message and i already got the feeling i wa targeted by troll or hater i have another alternative reddit account where i post in a controversial sub and i get reddit care resource message basically every other week lol i should have deactivated my account but i didn t anyway a while later someone sent me a message on reddit calling me a c t who should f off a i spam the sub in a brainless manner and ask about everything about the game so i m a loser who is too annoying without the asterisk i couldn t see who sent me that message a that person immediately deleted his or her account anyway this made me uncomfortable that person used really strong language and i don t think calling me a c t wa justified i guess i should be smart enough to deactivate my reddit account a soon a a i got a reddit care message ironically i never got such a message even though i posted in mental health sub numerous time with a lot of alternative account or just turn off private message didn t see the need to do so a i never thought i would get such a message by posting on such a sub it s not like i wa posting anything controversial did i do the right thing deactivating that alternative account i don t think there wa a way i could win that argument so i guess the best thing to do wa just to vanish from the sub another thing is i m worried that the hater or hater will find this thread and know it s me or maybe people from that sub will notice how i m gone and will find this thread or maybe the developer can guess who i am a in which gaming account that alternative reddit account is linked to based on the video game info i described a in which stage i got stuck in how much game money i had stocked up etc am i being paranoid", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 392, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0336", "text": "i wish there wa a reddit thing for friendship breakup but since november 0 i ve been repeatedly crushed by a now ex best friend who i never wanted to let go of it s my fatal flaw forgiving ppl who don t deserve it i always get bitten in the as and never learn from it the manipulative people in my life have torn my down over and over and bc i m literally a fucking doormat i don t want to explain everything with this specific friend but part of what keep hurting me is that i see picture and am reminded of good memory we ve had and all of a sudden i miss them or i ll see picture from when i wa happy and i m brought to tear over the fact that i m convinced it s all my fault i wish i could delete my social medium and throw my phone into another galaxy but sometimes thing like snapchat and tik tok make me happy so then i don t do that why am i like this why do people walk away from me so easily why do i let those people in just for them to walk out again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 211, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0337", "text": "so i m a pretty shut in introverted person he they and moved to a new place just before the pandemic so a a result have no local irl friend so mid pandemic i got on twitter and met load of people who came and went however i met people she her x and she they who i truly love hanging out with but here s the hard part for pretty much the entirety of last year we hung out maybe or time a week watching movie on discord or playing game always talking and indirecting each other interacting constantly cheesy ily ily more message all that sort of thing then just after christmas it all just kinda stopped but only for me i found out the of them made a new gc without me they talk about each other on the tl constantly but never mention me and we haven t hung out in over a month i ve messaged them a couple of time about this and had it explained that they still like me and still want to hang out but they re just busy but my brain is reading into everything so hard they re still constantly interacting with each other and i never get any response i can t stop thinking about every little thing one time one wanted to play game in bed by herself and then 0 minute later i saw them all playing on discord without me assuming i d gone to bed i just don t know whether i m reading too hard into this or if i genuinely need to say something every time i see so much a a comment or message somewhere else my head get so loud and i just feel like cry constantly i ve never really been able to keep friend for more than a couple of year and the only one i trusted enough to talk to about stuff are the i m not sure i can talk to any more so a a result here i am reddit what can i do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 356, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0338", "text": "i ve been feeling a lot and going through a lot for the past few week i can t talk to anyone i m emotionally and mentally drained i m not even diagnosed with anything but i feel like i m having anxiety and just want to be done with everything i sometimes feel like i just want to jump off our building or drown myself in the pool so that i wouldn t feel anything i m really scared i know what happened to me wa careless and full of stupidity i guess this is my karma just letting out a little bit i don t know who else to talk to i feel like i m dying inside i m afraid to go to the beach with my friend because i might do something really stupid i ve been cry and cry every night so that i could hide all my feeling but it s really killing me i want to get out of this situation but i can t escape i know i have to help myself but i can t do it there s no one else to blame but me i m so sorry for this i just have no one to talk to i don t want to be a burden to the people around me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 222, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0339", "text": "i wish i succeeded those few year ago i wa so close but pussied out and hurt my neck pretty badly i wish i just kept up there for a few more minute then i wouldn t have had to deal with the absolute failure of a person that i am i want to end it i m useless and a horrible piece of shit i ve done some pretty bad shit and no matter how hard i try to fix thing to try and get my life together it just doesn t work i m now physically sick all the time in pain homeless and stuck in a fucking town i wish would burn to the ground i get bullied and mocked by the entire shitty as street i m in for being under a homeless organization for whole year i ve been begging for a house begging and begging asking for this asking for that can i please try and get this house no u can t can i please try and get this house no it all taken i ll never leave this hellhole i ll never get better nothing will ever get better so what s the actual point i m even too lazy to fucking kill myself even though i have the perfect plan grab my rope grab all my pill and favourite alcohol walk to the wood with my favorite stuffie and end it all by the place i felt peace for the first time i ll watch the water of the lake and then i ll finally be at peace and no more pain no more sorrow no more bullshit just nothing but no i m too tired to walk it i m too tired to write a letter i m too fucking tired to do it the reason why i haven t done it i need to take care of my boyfriend i don t care for anyone else because all of them are lying fuck but him i need to stay strong so he get a home so he can live happily but i don t know maybe my death can boost his chance of getting a better life it may hurt now but maybe my death will grab attention to him and then he ll get all the help he need might a well just got ta pick a date", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 403, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0340", "text": "this is an embarrassing confession to make but i feel like this is the only place i can seriously get advice i m a year old guy who ha already had awful anxiety around year ago when i wa young my mum wa super supportive about it and took me to therapy which seriously helped me for a while and i still absolutely love her for that after my therapy session finished i wa having the best period of my life i wa seeing and meeting new people and getting close with others but year ago my anxiety started coming back and a big part of my anxiety that i didn t tell my mum wa the fact i needed to poop during my attack it sound silly i know haha now school is a nightmare because i m scared to go in school due to it s small size and the fact that there is a very small amount of bathroom in the school i always have the feeling of what if it finally happens for reference i have never had an accident in school but have sure a hell came close i will also cancel plan with friend outside of school if i couldn t get it all out before we leave i ve left job because of this fear a well and i just feel like an absolute loser my mum doesn t like me staying off from school in any way and i feel i cant tell her this reason because it is genuinely embarrassing and she would believe i m lying i also want to get back on therapy but i don t want to break her heart after she wa so proud of me the first time and even cried for me my mum is a god send and i love her with all that is in me so i can t tell her that it back again i think i need med but i ve never been diagnosed so i don t know this sound absolutely ridiculous i know but it s something i ve been seriously struggling with and am typing this right now with diarrhoea the night before school terrified if anyone ha any similar experience and how they overcame this it would help me in way you can t imagine thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 395, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0341", "text": "i m 0f and i ll start this by saying that my diagnosis is mostly a doctor telling once that i might have gad but i haven t had further test done yet not that i need them because the symptom are all there and it s pretty obvious to me amp nbsp i stress a lot about most thing future plan work health etc being on the phone is something that give me extreme anxiety a well and this is impacting my work i m lucky enough to be able to work from home which is great because i don t have to put on the happy sociable face all day long but there s still plenty of call meeting happening over team and those still give me a lot of anxiety to the point that even a minute talk with someone will leave me sweaty i m able to sound friendly and sociable on the call but a soon a it s over that s all gone and i ll just feel like crap i m not 0 and some day i honestly do not know how i am supposed to endure this for another 0 year the job i had previous to this one wa in customer support inbound call people told me that exposure to it would help me but honestly i hated every second of it and i feel it s only gotten worse since then amp nbsp right now i m at a loss and starting to consider quitting my job over this but i also don t know of many job that allow me to wfh while keeping meeting and call to a minimum if everything wa done via chat email i d honestly feel great about that but it feel like this society wa built by and for extrovert and i m just an outlier that doesn t fit anywhere", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 329, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0342", "text": "now i know everyone will say you need some fresh air get outta the house more often i also have real bad anxiety so bad that i only go out one time a day i don t like walking around with money on me or no money at all anyway i ve been smoking weed and eating edible for year because i have real low self esteem and i don t want to just be sad all the time my boyfriend hate it because he say i don t need all of that to be happy which is true but it s already hard enough getting out of bed a it is my boyfriend pretty much get high a much a i do but it s only marijuana and thc that s it nothing other then that he think i should get out more but when i m out i get anxiety because i feel like i m being stared at and judged i love smoking weed because it s good to laugh and when i m high i m not thinking about my low self esteem and body dysmorphia or wanting to harm myself if you ask me it s better then talking to a therapist psychologist", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 212, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0343", "text": "i ve been very close yet i ve been postponing for a while on and off to cut thing short i believe i may end up leaving sometime next week there are a few reason why otherwise if i don t i am saving up for my mom to buy me a new ar it ll take about month to get sufficient fund but i am solely using it on myself i already have access to a firearm but i am choosing not to do it now unless i have to because the caliber might not be sufficient enough but yeah no one see the warning sign i may have potential but i can t live up to it i ll always fail i know many people that read this will skip over or not even care i am just putting my thought somewhere no one will probably read it oh well all i know is that i have tried my best my circumstance are holding me hostage from flourishing in this world i am only here to fulfill the need of specific people i am not loved i mean this with everything i m basically here surviving alone trying to keep myself sane under the condition i m under my own interest are impossible to achieve i am a batshit crazy piece of shit disguised a a well mannered average looking tall slim smart person according to them but yeah this is something i have extreme feeling for i truly believe i may end up going through with these plan sometime next week or sometime soon id love to talk to someone about this i ve tried to reach out to friend before about how i ve been feeling and everyone talk to me one time and never check on me again honestly im ready to fuckin get this shit overwith no one give me a fuckin chance literally i m getting fucking exhausted i m tired of this planet i just wish i could feel different at least i m tired help me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 351, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0344", "text": "being an adult fuckin suck lol i m just gon na say that i m and i ve been on and off homeless since i wa me and my family don t talk at all and i m ina point in my life we re i have my own home a full time job and i m doin better but sometimes it feel like i m all alone and that i should be happy in the situation i m in now i have no reason to feel depressed i think at least my fianc said she notice my change since i started working day a week 0 hour a week idk i guess i m just rambling it s just sometimes i wish i had my mom again or my sister or someone to tell me hey man i love you it s all gon na work out and give me a hug ya know life is stressful trying to be successful and independent since ha made me mature and grow in different aspect don t get me wrong but i want my family s love back i wan na feel included and not alone ya know and i m sorry if this post is irrelevant i m super anxious right now and don t know how to contain myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 227, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0345", "text": "hi everyone my life s pretty difficult now i hate it i feel like i can t do nothing about it i ve been unemployed for about month i quit my job because it wa a hell hole literally a hell hole they treated me like shit it wa toxic i got physically and mentally sick but i kept pushing until the point were i physically couldn t get up in the morning so i quit i ve been battling health issue and depression ever since i quit my family and friend are shaming me and trying to force me to look for a job i m just not sure if i m ready i m too scared i think i wa traumatized from my past job i m just too scared to find a job and get hurt again like i said i ve still in physical pain and it s really hard to look for a job while you re hurting i ve been seeing a psychiatrist for the past month i ve gotten better but i m still too scared to look for a job any advice", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0346", "text": "on the surface i can think of a lot of reason feeling ashamed about needing med worrying about side effect forgetting about them etc but at the end of the day i can t say exactly why i just know i don t want to take my med at the same time i know i need them i know that without them i simple task like showering and doing dish feel impossible i ll fall behind on my schoolwork isolated myself and sleep hour a day i know they work for me and that i ve felt much better when i wa taking them regularly but dang it i just don t want to take them one day i just ignored my alarm to take them and then i ve kept doing it now i take them so sporadically that they can t be doing much they re an ssri and mood stabilizer so they need to build up in your system and such part of me think maybe i just hate the daily reminder that i m not ok like i think that maybe if i ignore it for long enough i ll forget that i feel that way but even knowing that may be a part of it it doesn t feel like that s all there is to it and i don t know what to do about it mostly i m just wondering if anyone else feel like this too and if you do do you know why you feel that way and what may have helped you get back on track with taking them regularly i ve talked to my therapist and friend but i haven t been able to really figure out the full reason i feel this way or how to get back to taking them regularly if you ve dealt with this before or think you may understand why this resistance to taking med is happening i d appreciate hearing some potential reason or way to improve this of course everyone s mental health is unique so i may not relate to someone else s reason but i would still really appreciate hearing any potential one so i can understand my feeling about this a bit better", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 381, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0347", "text": "i am not sure if this is possible and i appreciate any information a few year ago i wa diagnosed with clinical anxiety depression and adhd i wa relieved and terrified and so sad it took me until adulthood to learn this about myself i began medicating under the direction of my psychiatrist after about a year i changed from zoloft to prozac due to weight gain i began experiencing night sweat for the first time in my life about month ago it wa sporadic for month or so than became nightly now it ha worsened to the point that i wake up multiple time a night to change sheet and pajama i m not wetting the bed but truly soaking it through with my sweat in a degree room with minimal blanket i ve had to replace plastic bed protector mattress cover and even my mattress i believe i am having panic attack while i am asleep and i am unable to remember them assuming i would remember having a nightmare at the same time or be semi lucid what could paralyze me in sleep while having normal pleasant dream and cause excessive night sweat my change in medication did not correlate with the onset or increase in the night sweat i have had blood test mri pulmonary exam allergy test ultra sound and more no western doctor or my psychiatrist ha been able to find anything unusual that would explain the night sweat tl dr extreme night sweat begin in adulthood with no obvious cause desperately looking for advice on what might help edit 9 f", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 281, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0348", "text": "i m tired of only having people that don t listen to me i m tired of codependency i m tired of my brain always going so fast and there s no calming it either i m fucking tired i do not want to live anymore i ve fucked up my life and there s no fixing it because it wa doomed from the start it seems like i m doing great but i m not i should be but i m not no one care about me my friend couldn t care le about what i have to say they just want me to listen i don t want to listen anymore the one person i wanted to care i realize now doesn t give a fuck about me he listens to her though she is heather and i m meaningless so i m done being in the way of the two they can have eachother i will go i m in the way that s all i ever am i m an annoying thing people can t get rid of i m a weight on everyone s shoulder i m tired of living and i m done with it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0349", "text": "advice for adult separation anxiety i m have been with my girlfriend f for over year our whole relationship we have lived apart at our parent house and still do with no issue we see each multiple time a week do fun romantic thing almost never fight she is the love of my life and i seriously see myself spending the rest of my life with her week ago i got covid and i isolated in my room for 0 day only the third time in our relationship we ve been apart for this long after the isolation i came out with a new found love for my girlfriend i realized that i truly want her in my life and i want to be with her forever i knew this before but it wa like a huge reminder since my isolation ha ended though and i saw her again anytime i m away from her i have crazy anxiety like almost can t function don t eat etc nothing ha changed expect for the better imo i now realize she s the one and she feel the same way but for some reason after year of no issue mentally or in our relationship i have developed what i believe after doing some research to be adult separation anxiety definitely anxiety i ve told my girlfriend all this and had a big cry with her and she ha been nothing but supportive and loving i know she s with me for the long haul and i m not worried about that when i m thinking straight but when i m not with her i go crazy i ve reached out to an online therapy company to have a virtual session a i need help and i don t know what to do my girlfriend is super supportive but this can t be healthy for a relationship that my biggest fear is losing just looking for some advice maybe some similar experience and how you went about it anything help", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 341, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0350", "text": "age gender m i ve been dealing with my depression for a while now and some people including my parent know although my biggest regret is telling my girlfriend when i told her that i have been trying to take my life everything changed i understand it s just her caring and not knowing how to deal with it but it s been such a burden on the relationship i m not longer human to her i m mainly a ticking time bomb i m starting to feel like i ve locked her in this relationship because of this disease i have we can t go a hang out without her cry about the fact that my life is hanging on by a thread and i know this is extremely selfish of me how could i not be appreciative for this caring girl to be honest i couldn t care le just every time i see her break because of me it make me hate myself more i wish i just kept that side of me hidden away from her to protect her from it the worst part is she can t help me even though she try so hard and she know it every day feel like a toss of a dice whether i will live or die and she is watching it all helpless i love her so much she keep me going but god i wish i had a time machine to go back and make sure i never told her just then she could be happy until the end i m sorry vesna", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 269, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0351", "text": "i ve been trying to walk forward despite everything but i feel like i m out of option and got no help so i m here trying to figure out if my situation is a bad a it seems to me i am a classical musician not from the u trained in a conservatory since i wa a child and over the year got to play and perform wonderful music in different country and finished two master s degree in the u i graduated the last one just a the pandemic started and eventually married my u citizen boyfriend the application for a green card is gon na take a few month at least six so i have no access to health insurance or medicaid or really anything that isn t out of pocket and super expensive i haven t had a single job or real performance in two year and my playing ha declined over this time which make it even harder to find a job in the future when i get the green card not that there are any opportunity around me anyway nobody seems to care about classical music im feeling like i spent so many year and made so many sacrifice my childhood and teenage year and friend for example just to be able to play music that nobody want to hear i know i could play arrangement of popular song but that just make me wan na cry all the hard work feel so wasted on that and it brings me no joy to play music i don t like on top of this i have no support network apart from my husband who is super busy working for both of u and can t be the only one in my support network which i understand i have no car and live in an area with zero public transportation so i have been all winter stuck in the basement we have been living in it doesn t even have window so no sunlight i do try to spend time outside every time it s not freezing but i m increasingly lonely and spiraling down more every day about everything i have terrible social skill autism so i don t even know how to make friend but i literally haven t seen anyone my age in the neighborhood or really anyone approachable at all i need help but i don t know how to find it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 414, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0352", "text": "i m just so tired i can t do anything there are bag full of clothes and me took one and a half hour to unpack le than two of them i also made a mistake of leaving myself with my own thought so i began to spiral starting with me being angry at my ex and ending on me having flashback from primary school when i probably wa also depressed when i wa every day after school sitting at my desk trying to study or do homework but i couldn t even start or focus due to adhd and executive dysfunction i wa every day sitting at my desk after school guilty over doing nothing and sitting like that until sleep time only to get yelled at next day for getting another bad grade for not doing homework i just despise almost everything in my life my parent aren t supportive at all except providing therapy and med which is a lot but they re one of the reason why my mental health is so bad since i remember i can t do anything and i m useless i might need to repeat my school year cause i missed a lot of class due to me literally being unable to get up i don t have energy or time for my friend but i constantly vent to them and i know it s annoying a heck for them even though they claim that i can vent a much a i want to cause they do the same but i just can t go without telling someone how shitty i feel and even if they read that stuff they just respond with one word reply or sad emoji my ex constantly stress me out with his weird as message and i have to see him at school every day i just feel like everything is just too much and definitely a lot more than i m able to do the biggest challenge in my day is waking up and taking any care of myself but i m also expected to help out with chore study a lot for final be at every class and to not make everyone uncomfortable with how bad my mental health is so right now i m sitting and having mental breakdown for hour and forty minute already with three bag of clothes waiting to be sorted while i have private lesson in 0 minute and my dad will get angry a fuck at me if i won t get this done before those lesson the worse part is just how no one even care about that not my friend not my parent cause in their opinion i m lazy and probably no one here too the only person that care is my therapist who is paid to care about the fact that i more and more feel like killing myself over the simplest thing like chore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 494, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0353", "text": "backstory i ve been diagnosed with panic disorder gad since a young child spent the past year on zoloft at time a high a 00mg a day year ago i wa put on buspirone with the zoloft and it changed my life i ve been stable up until this past year my health anxiety got wayyy out of control and i ve been diagnosing myself with terminal illness all year did therapy and actually enjoyed it for the first time in my life and got off zoloft and switched to 0mg celexa combined with mg buspirone in the am and 0mg at night graduated my therapy and finally felt almost normal then i got covid felt like shit but made it through flash forward to a month later and i developed costochondritis rib cartilage muscle inflammation that i thought wa breast cancer sent me f n spiraling since then i ve had shortness of breath constantly and heart palpitation went to the dr and so far everything is fine waiting on heart holter result and everything chalked up a anxiety i ve had multiple full blown panic attack the past few week and wa at my wit end saw my psych and i went up to 0mg celexa here come my actual issue i accidentally read about serotonin syndrome and how celexa and buspirone should never be given together i brought it up to my psych and she wa not worried but it s been day now and i feel kind of off granted i ve felt off for month now and i m so scared of experiencing it and not realizing it anyone on similar combination that can ease my mind tldr worried about serotonin syndrome after reading about not mixing celexa and buspirone major health anxiety", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 340, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0354", "text": "i m not even gon na use an alt for all this shit any more this account probably won t be active from now on i guess it s time to delete everything and sort thing out one final time i m tired i m done i don t know if anyone will see this and i honestly don t care i mean if you are reading this then it s just a waste of time just like me i ll never change no matter what happens sorry apparently it didn t take me too long to fuck up a new friendship not surprised i really did want to join and play game and all that shit and try to talk to others make friend and help but i can t be bothered and i don t try that should be obvious i m a lazy little shit with no motivation to make thing better i usually just laugh in text even if i m not actually laughing to make the situation lighter or something idk yeah i m a mean person you should hate me you should just leave me alone that ll be better for everyone i m actually surprised it lasted this long i didn t really come her to rant i don t know why i exactly came here or why i typed this one of the many problem i just wan na say ig gon na leave the majority of depressing stuff out i really hope you don t see this i ll just leave at the end of this week when i m done preparing i ll let you know exactly when i m leaving in a subtle way a to not make you sad again ahahh i ve tried not a lot i can t remember the exact number they obviously didn t work out and i never got caught pathetic right sorry but i m gon na make sure it work this time around no matter what that wa my last try at friendship or anything else a a matter of fact i guess i m just not suited for this stuff and life my personality is absolutely shit i wish i didn t get attached for useless reason and then not try at all i made you feel like hell i m absolutely shit i know i am everything you said is correct i read every last bit live well have fun byebye", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 416, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0355", "text": "hi i am 9m from india and i am currently going through a major crisis of my life my mother is a very abusive person she ha been physically abusing me since i wa i have burnt knife mark on my body which she called punishment she once threw me off the stair because i cracked two egg while bringing them home i have been subject to her verbal abuse since my birth i believe one of the incident which is still intact in my head is when i wa and she threw the knife on my face because i told her i do not want to go to some place with her i have been with her and growing up all along i always thought these thing were normal until i met new people i really get suicidal thought at night and i want to move out of here my father is separated and i have no idea where he is ita been more than a decade since i ve met or even talked to him all i know is that he sends money to my mother last year he did not send a single rupee for many month because if covid so i had to do some meagre job to earn something i had been doing that but now i want to complete my education and get a degree education here is very expensive i have graduated from my high school in the year 0 0 and had to take drop year because of pandemic and to basically stay alive now the situation is quite better at my home my dad is sending enough for u to eat when i talk about my study my mother straightforwardly decline and asks me work i really don t want to work i have to move out but i have zero backup and there are no part time job here in my country to move to another country is a very difficult task but it might change my life i would really need some advice and if you could just help me a bit it would be really great thank you for reading so far also i am sorry if i offended you by talking about my own mother like that i really do not know how to handle thing right now i am really sorry and thank you for reading i d appreciate if you can talk to me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 418, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0356", "text": "i f attempted to take my life five day ago it wa my second serious attempt i took a couple of pill and alchohol and walked out on my ledge living on the fifteenth floor made it so much more easier i spent all night out there on call w a friend who managed to keeo me safe till i passed out my dad wa woken up at am by another friend of mine who tried entering my apartment and they pulled my back into my room unconscious my parent haven t spoken to me about it theyve nailed my window shut and don t let me stay alone in my room i m getting a new psychiatrist i m not allowed out or allowed to hang w my friend after school they also didn t let me skip school this whole week even though im still not fully recovered i feel like a prisoner in my own house i get why they re doing it but they way they ve gone about it only make it worse to make matter worse it drove most of my friend away a discord server that i considered my main support group won t let me back in unless i get better most of my irl friend decided to give up on me they told me they re done trying to help someone who doesn t wan na be helped i feel like i have nothing good left in my life and i m forced to live only cause my parent want me to everyone know about my attempt at school and they don t seem to care either they just look at me like i m crazy and many of my classmate barely talk to me anymore i ve already been treated bad because of my selfharm scar and rumour about my sex life and alchoholism i m forced to be sober i m grounded and have no privacy or freedom no safe place no one i can fully trust and i m still expected to be a fully functional person and do well at school by my parent i don t know what to do anymore i feel hopeless and alone and just want it to end", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 390, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0357", "text": "so i have a disabling chronic illness last year i went through some pretty severe stuff almost starved to death because my stomach doesn t work properly and won t digest food had to be hospitalized and have a permenant feeding tube placed etc that s just backstory that might be relevant but honestly i m not sure i have this overwhelming anxiety any time anything slightly untword happens to my partner it s particularly unmanageable when it come to them feeling physically unwell i have no idea why this happens it s something i ve experienced in other very close relationship a well but it s not everyone not even everyone i care very deeply about it s super weird and i have no idea where it s coming from but i need it to stop because i want to be supportive and i can t do that if my partner know i m fighting down a lot of anxiety just to talk about them feeling like they might be coming down with a tiny cold the anxiety can even bleed into feeling of anger or frustration which i hate even more because who get angry about something like that am i just a bad person how do i cope with this in a way that doesn t negate their experience by requiring them to constantly tell me nothing is wrong or that everything is fine but also not going off the deep end and feeling crazy with fear just because they might be experiencing discomfort", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 264, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0358", "text": "so at the place where i work we had a new girl started off okay work got crazy and we were under the impression she had it under control question were minimal she seemed okay then she wa out sick and we had to take over her desk and long story short there were several thing found that made her a liability and could possibly get u sued by our customer thankfully all thing were corrected and we re okay but now they want to fire her it wa decided that she s out a soon a she s ready to come back from being sick i feel so bad and anxious about this which i voiced to my supervisor who happens to be my mom i said that i didn t feel bad she wa being fired because she deserves it for the huge mistake she s repeatedly been making i feel bad because she s at home having a hard time allegedly but think that she still ha a job like if that wa me i d probably never recover i noticed this anxiety ha me wondering if my relationship is happening the same way where i ll find out later with seemingly no warning that it s not okay and i m fired it s just so hard and i feel so bad but a much a i try to distance myself i can t and i don t know how to make this stop", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 248, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0359", "text": "it s like at certain time i die while awake mind go completely blank and nobody can wake me from my trance but eventually i come back once i m back i m flooded with emotion after emotion and it s exhausting then im just angry and sad followed by numb once again and cant focus i quit job often even though i need money because i can not function in this society sometimes i wish i could get on disability but everyone tell me im just making excuse and that it cant be a bad a i make it seem i m always wrong never is anything anyone el fault but fucking mine i swear someone could kill me and people will be like oh well you shouldn t have made him mad i ve never attempted suicide because i don t have the ball to actually murder myself i wish someone would do it for me though my whole life i ve never been good enough for anyone and now i m an unemployed year old man watching everyone thrive and be successful while i slowly rot away i used to be so intelligent and motivated not to mention happy a fuck now i physically can not bring myself to do anything that requires even the slightest amount of mental effort without being downright forced to i know this is a lot and probably none of it make sense i m just so fucking stupid and i figured this is a half decent place to ramble because no one give a shit anyway the only thing that give me hope that my life can one day be something great is music i am a very talented rapper with no recognition but not like these regular as people i innovate and i approach the rap game with the respect she deserves i carve my word onto the page with precision and passion because a of the past decade no exaggeration hip hop ha been the savior of my existence", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 343, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0360", "text": "two of my friend are fighting and both of them are depressed lmfao and one of them is lashing out and yk hurt people hurt people lmfao and all that shit and the other one is different and it s weird and seems to have given up and i m worried and it s self sabotaging of myself to want to help them but is it bad to do that and every time i try to help someone i end up neglecting myself and ik that it will probably happen again btu do i even care anymore i ve always wanted to be the best i ve always had to be the best i had to be perfect but now idk i just don t care if i m mediocre if i don t get everything right and that d be good actually lmfao like being more self forgiving but no i think i m just depressed like i ve always been but shit idk everything s piling up and i m scared and i want a way out and the way out that i thought i had doesn t seem to be working so god idk sometimes i just want to pop some pill and just fucking die wouldn t that be better like sure some people care about me here but they d get over it right haha look at me i just don t care anymore it s so weird how much i ve changed i used to hate the idea of suicide because everyone who loved me would be hurt but now they d just get over it wouldn t they lmfao i m overdramatic sorry this post is all over the place", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 306, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0361", "text": "idk i guess this is a vent or something but whatever lately everything ha been okay like daily wise school is okay i guess just wish every math lesson didn t either leave me with a headache or panic attack slamming door and yelling just remind me of my childhood and always sends me into a panic attack today i had two in different class i m hard of hearing and i have hearing aid i wish that i could turn them off or take them out whilst the yelling and shit wa happening but i m always in that state of freeze and panic i m the new kid no one seems to notice it which is fine home is okay there is just court and custody shit going on since my mother and father can t make one agreement now me and my brother have to go to court and get like attornies or some shit like that to settle it down i don t know i m exhausted i don t feel like living rn i feel like everyone hate me and is drifting away and i can t handle that i m clean of self harm though i m probably gon na break that after this post i ve been thinking a lot about offing myself i m so tired i don t wan na live anymore i can t live anymore to be honest i m just struggling so much fuck i can t even make it a full week of school i got sexually assaulted by my cousin on the weekend and i feel like it s my fault i just really need an escape but even getting high can t block out all the shit that go on in my head i don t wan na fail like last time i tried offing myself just too many question and everything what am i meant to do i do see a therapist and everything but i feel like it doesn t help i don t wan na be alive anymore i really don t", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 355, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0362", "text": "hey reddit this may be long and just me talking about random shit but i just feel like it would make me feel better so a you guy saw it wa my th birthday today and today wa probably one of the shittier day i have my best friend had a pretty bad panic attack today and i chilled with him to comfort him but it made me kinda realize how lonely i am i have friend and a loving family but i just feel deep and dark loneliness during most day i can kinda just ignore it and have mediocre day but most day like today i just think about it i don t want to make it a big deal because my friend is going through some tuff shit right now and i need to help him a much a i can but i just feel like laying down and doing nothing for a while obviously i can t do that with all the homework and exam coming up but i just don t know what to do like i wa saying earlier i just feel so empty when i m by myself and sometimes i feel like a have no personality i feel like people only like being around me when i m high because i m a lot more talkative and just more enjoyable to be around i don t know it s hard for me to talk to people about it because i feel like they might just blow it off or something and my friend deserves all the attention i just feel bad that i m feeling bad if that make sense like my friend is hurting and i feel bad that i feel so empty i m starting to think that life won t have a lot to offer for me i m not suicidal or anything but i wouldn t mind just like disappearing and just chilling on the top of a mountain or something like that i m sorry that this is so long i just feel really empty and it s my birthday i feel bad that i can t be happy for my parent i love them so much and i wish they knew how much i do but i m just feeling really exhausted all the time i don t know sorry if i selfish in this post i don t mean to i just feel really empty when i can think clearly almost like i built my personality around being with people thanks for listening whoever read this it really mean a lot to me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 442, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0363", "text": "i feel the need of depending on people for me to feel better and more comfortable but i don t think that s the right way to go but at the same time i m not even sure how i could better myself on my own it s probably the most difficult thing i m doing and i just feel really nervous right now and i hate that i sleep so late it s honestly bugging me and affecting me so much i just want someone who truly care about me to say i ll do alright that i ll find a way to overcome this it feel uncomfortable to cry at time i can t even do it really anymore it just last a few second and then my state of mind change and my brain just go through these phase of different feeling im not sure what i m gon na do tonight but i guess the only thing i can do is be on my phone and just have this pain in my chest last till i pas out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0364", "text": "every day i wake up and it s the same a yesterday i cry my eye out for hour and go back to sleep knowing i have to live another day is absolutely awful i just want to die my best friend wa put in a mental institution because he tried to kill himself and i m not allowed to see him the last thing he said wa that he knew about my suicidal thought and told me to do better than him my girlfriend doesn t know but she s the only person in my life right now because my entire family disowned me because i m non binary and she is the only reason i m still around and i m doubting if even she still like me because i just cry and cry and the gun in my neighbour cabinet is looking more and more tempting and i m now curious what death feel like and i envy my brother who shot himself a year and a half ago he wa the only family member i had that still loved me everything is bullshit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 189, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0365", "text": "hello people i feeling today sad because i cry about my family we do not talk much it is not that fun to grow in a family like that because i wish we communicate more about feeling thought experience and many more thing i wish i can understand myself and express my feeling to the world sometimes i feel like a strange and think what i thought and feel is wrong i do not like that my parent and grandma always criticies me what i have to do and what is wrong and right they had father died 0 year ago suicied this aggression voice that let me feel stupid and childish i scare sometimes to say what i think because they will be aggressive in a physicil and psychic way it like they do not want to understand who i am im nobody it suck and thats the reason i want to write it here down because i do not want to hide myself i do not want be alone in this world i want to be a part in this society now im cry i want to be huge and to be listend i want to cry and say what i do not like i want to be like who i have to be i want to explore the world and myself i do not want do thing that i doesnt like why ha the world feeling have to be this way why i have to suffer like this i think people who ha depression need more attention because they suffer to much in this world thx for reading maybe u want to say something or not bye", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 286, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0366", "text": "i feel like nobody really care if i m gone even my closest friend replaced and forgot about me i just want to sit in my room and rot i just want to stop existing last night wa the worst i couldn t sleep because i broke down and my head keep screaming i want to die i want to die i want to die i don t know if i want to ever get better when there s nothing to get better for i even got excited because i got covid before and thought if it get worse i could finally die but i just had to get better it wa my one chance to die and i got better i m so sick of living i m so sick of being abandoned by people i thought cared about me i just want to be gone and stop existing it s so painful it hurt to cry every night and exhaust myself to sleep in that way even waking up had me cry i m just waiting for something to happen to me so i don t have to kill myself instead to save my family from the shame they d experience if i took my own life instead", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 210, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0367", "text": "i just don t care anymore i don t care what happens anymore just fucking kill me i m done i don t have the will to do this anymore i realize no matter what i do my life will always get worse so i should just do it and get it over with i tried i waited year for it to get better but that s not going to happen my health is shit my mental health is shit and my mind just keep processing way to get the job done i wish i would have drowned asa child because than i wouldn t know this pain and i d have le to leave behind i would have at least had some level of hope before departing but life a bitch and then you die i know the end will come before the end of this year but now i m certain the timeline ha been moved up more like month maybe it will be today maybe tomorrow i don t know yet but i won t see because i have no desire to live that long i don t care anymore this whole world s a poorly written joke anyways where some will struggle till death and others will constantly have thing work out than the asshole will tell you oh it get better well i ve waited long enough and i m done playing this game i don t care anymore i know i have undiagnosed ptsd and i know who is responsible and that they ll never be punished i can barely even get people in my own family to believe me about the cause i m so tired of this world so tired of everything i have no use for a god so i can only ask of nature no matter what label i give it the request is the same please kill me and return me to the earth leaving behind not even a memory erase every trace of my existence and make everyone forget me that is my only wish at this point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 355, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0368", "text": "i ve come to the realization that i am without a doubt suicidal but at the same time my life ha been more or le defined by suicide and i know all too well what it doe to the people close to you and because of that i know that i ll never go through with it some background i m year old and my first brush with suicide wa when my father hung himself when i wa i doubt i ever really healed from that and is still such a formidable age i thought i wa doing okay but the last couple of year have taken a toll i m also an iraq veteran i deployed in 0 0 and in the last year of the guy i served with have committed suicide the most recent being week ago it doesn t get easier i guess what i m really getting at is i feel like now i m just in a run out the clock situation with life i have no motivation for anything i don t really enjoy anything and i just don t want to be here anymore but i won t put anyone that i love through the pain that i ve felt and continue to feel is there anyone that is ha been in this frame of mind is there anything i can do to get out of it is this it thank you for reading much love m", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 248, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0369", "text": "i m hoping this inspires some of you i have suffered from anxiety disorder my whole life i remember when my family would take small trip and i would be so anxious i wouldn t eat the whole trip they always worried about me i also wouldn t eat when we went out because i wa worried i would puke it finally got so bad in my late 0 that i went to the er with a terrible panic attack and finally saw a therapist i wa also put on sertraline i now feel like i have a good handle on my anxiety about month ago after almost year i weaned off the sertraline still not sure if that will last i may have to be on it forever but so far so good even now a i am typing i am having some anxiety that ha come out of nowhere but i know i will be fine i can go week now without any anxiety i used to even wake up in a cold sweat panic attack before traveling shaking and vomiting i would be so stressed out i would think about an event that i know would trigger it for week before hand i would dry heave shake sweat and feel sick to my stomach just thinking about getting stuck in traffic but i have over come a lot of it even traveled to other country and been able to actually relax while on vacation i wanted to post this in hope that it can make someone else feel like they are not alone because i always felt so alone when i suffered i felt like there wa something so wrong with me and i hated myself but now i accept my anxiety my best advice is don t let it win don t let it keep you from doing thing you love and remember your anxiety is wrong you can do thing nothing bad is going to happen and if something bad doe happen you will be able to handle it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 354, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0370", "text": "doe anyone else feel helpless every day i just feel like i am passing time from one shitty situation to the next what is the point i am a m father or two with two kid early teen and college age and married to my best friend career marriage etc i can t stand my job it s not the company rather the job itself i am an account manager in the pharmaceutical industry which translates to constantly apologizing for other worker s fuck ups and dealing with burnt out frustrated pharmacist all the time i never cause the problem but i am treated a such and shit get taken out on me there is absolutely no joy in this position and it suck whatever remaining happiness i have i am looking for another job i have mental health issue gad depression ptsd etc which do not help i never know how i am going to react behave or feel each day sadly no matter how i try to hide it my family always know i am seeing a therapist which help at the time but the effect always wear off in a day or two i want nothing more than for my kid and wife to be happy and content with their life i am sure that hard to do with me around following them like a storm cloud or eeyore i had a classmate i grew up with she wa awesome beautiful inside and out the type of person who make the world better just by existing she recently had a freak medical condition that caused her to have a massive stroke and pas away positive humble great mother wife she didn t deserve it no one doe i suppose in any case i wish i could have taken one for the team and taken her place she wanted to be here i don t anymore it s not fair i very rarely find joy in anything anymore kid wife family excluded i should be and want to be okay not happy or content it s just not there sorry just venting thank you for listening", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 365, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0371", "text": "hello this is my first time posting to reddit i am having difficulty choosing between two job opportunity the first is a one hour commute one way and is on site the job come with pension and benefit a well a potential for career growth the second is 00 remote with limited potential for career growth the hour are flexible and i would not have to go into the office the downside is that the job appears to be boring and it will be difficult to get to know my coworkers the downside of the first job is that it could turn out to be a more stressful but maybe more stimulating job i have been so anxious about the decision that i have been cycling through choosing one or the other job over a period of several day i have been having stress headache and trying to solve the problem internally but with little resolution what is your opinion on wfh versus on site what is your opinion of taking a job you know to be boring for people with anxiety how doe wfh work for you doe it increase your worry or doe it help you manage how do you make a decision when either option doe not seem to be a clear winner many thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 221, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0372", "text": "i wish he would delete her and not talk to her anymore i have nightmare about her every day for month but now they ve gotten worse i wake up time each night and after am i can t fall back asleep i wake up cry feeling paranoid depressed and betrayed what doe she have that make her so important that it s worth hurting your girlfriend over to this severity it s not like i don t want him to talk to anyone but me recently i saw him hang out with a large group of people and i felt so happy inside i know being in a group and having people around him make him happy i could ve joined but didn t i wanted this to be his moment i want him to have lot of friend i m just not comfortable with him having a close friendship with this girl who ha an obsessive crush on him all while trying to keep it hidden and secret but i see it everywhere we ve already talked about it and he know how it destroys me seeing he hang out with her instead of me he ha deleted her before but a few month later added her again and now they hang out again it s ruining me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 220, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0373", "text": "i rlly hope someone understands this but i return to school next week and i just had a meeting with my dean and mother and we got onto the subject of grade and he told me and my mum my grade were shocking and that i slack off and when i heard this i literally wanted to cry sure i struggle with math alot and it not my strongest subject but all the other subject i work hard i pull all nighters to get work in on time i ask question in class i get people to read over my work and give me pointer and i have gotten ok grade in most of my subject i never ditch any class and i always listen but my dean wa painting it out to my mum like im some delinquent who is always skipping class and slack off and it really hurt me because i do feel like i really do try my hardest in school idk it really making me start to feel that everyone is out to get me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 185, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0374", "text": "growing up with an absent father and a mother who s always attempted suicide became a normal thing and always used suicide a manipulation threat a mother who s always been depressed and always ha had it worse than the rest of the world i learned to despise anybody that play the victim for long period of time or cry all the time not even going to address the physical abuse part i live accros the ocean from her and we barely even talk i never miss her and i feel like i m sick in the head because of that she destroyed our family all of her kid including me came out pretty fucked up we mom and sibling don t talk to each other and it messed me up pretty badly i mourned grieved and have become numb this happened over the pandemic and since i came out i m currently engaged and have a hard time expressing how bad my depression is to my partner i do talk about it but not about how severe it is i think about ending my life on a daily basis i attempted s in the past and regretted it once at the hospital i don t want to do it but the urge get overwhelming sometimes i hate that i m like this especially because of the impact my mom had on me growing up i feel like it would be so easy to just leave i feel so unhappy in my life i try my best to feel alive but nothing feel good most day i don t even want to wake up i have to act normal it s exhausting i can t stand my partner s sister niece and the anxiety i get every time i have to see them or talk to them or even when i hear their voice they always wanted me out of the picture from the get go because they loved her ex never gave me a genuine chance it s all acting and pretending in front of her and she is aware of it my relationship ha been rocky but we have a deep bond that keep u together i have hope we will get that connection back but for now it s mediocre hoping therapy will help i don t enjoy anything in life and i really want to end it i won t but i really really want to i feel tired from my soul thanks for listening", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 425, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0375", "text": "i don t know if i could able to live another day or another year i hear everyday people judge who i talked to or what i m planning to do they hated my presence and how my thought is they hated my love of interest and my hobby because it s useless and not get you anywhere in life my mom constantly telling me i m not going anywhere in life because of the many failed attempt on planning to go to school or planning to get the job but no my self esteem and my joy for socializing people is ruined by my mom i m still in a constant unresolved trauma going on in on through my childhood where i get brutally beaten by people whose used to be kid and now grow up to be the same thing a me but selfishly beat me to the ground i couldn t able to save my dad through a stroke back in october 0 nobody understands me when i talked about my issue at home or my life they only thought i m a well rounded person who got lot of achievement and so called hope on me and now i m on my computer scrolling though which rope i could buy and how sturdy the fall is and use it before my birthday because nobody understands me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0376", "text": "if it add any kind of info m almost the thing is that ive always felt down kind of bad obsessed over a lot of stuff over time mainly school and once my grade obsession wore down started getting obsession nonstop this led to me having high anxiety even higher than before and eventually not recognizing myself in the mirror that and another bunch of stuff later i finally got into therapy and a psychiatrist they gave me sertraline for the ocd like symptom and intrusivity on my thought i have intrusive thought but those were way more maneagable than these so it worked great everything wa going fine and better everyday didnt stop getting better i had an episode of hipo mania caused by the sertraline i suppose so after going back to half the pill so mg now and a new psychiatrist my main one wa sick he told me thats what the episode wa called and recommended i get new medicine a people with bipolar disorder get that kind of stuff ive literally got no clue of what to do do i get tested for bipolar and get new medicine do i stick with sertraline a it solved my main issue bipolar somewhat make sense to me but i literally dont know what to do about it please forgive any grammar mistake a english isnt my main language", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 248, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0377", "text": "depression make no sense sometimes i have a great life family member who love me friend who care about me everything going for me in term of college relationship life etc and despite all of these thing i still find myself thinking about ending my life suicidal ideation is something that i have dealt with since i wa a young teenager but lately it ha become a half dozen to a dozen thought of taking my own life every day what i really don t understand is the fact that almost everyone else around me doesn t feel the same way i do doesn t see the world in the same way i do sometimes when i wake up i ll just have my mind scream at me that no one and nothing matter that despite what we do all of u will end up dying one day etc sometimes i just really don t see the point of life all of u are on a journey with the only thing promised to u are sorrow or death we are taught that we have to make our own happiness and value out of life but if that s true than there is definitely something wrong with me that can t be fixed because some of u just aren t made for your fairy dust fucking world and anyone who isn t thank you cause there are too many stupid as happy people in this fuckface of a wordl we live in", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 255, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0378", "text": "i d been free from suicidal ideation for a few month and am distraught to be back in a place of despair i started a new job a stepping stone to what i thought wa my career goal and it seems to be something i m not cut out for emotionally i m a behavior therapist and my client honestly disturb me sometimes have me feeling depressed a i feel there s no hope for them this is very frustrating because this is my third career path and i m only my sleep quality is dipping severely a of late the time in which my brain is supposed to heal i m seemingly unable to eat consistently binging then fasting over and over my new therapist doesn t seem to be much help i m a recovering alcoholic and addict but i m finding myself craving to escape with substance it s not an option however because it would grant me homelessness a i m currently in a sober home it s hard to connect to people i m in a very self critical mindset lately judging my word after every interaction i have i m even feeling internal homophobia i feel this may be the sign of a positive internal reset and spiritual awakening but it s overwhelming nothing feel comfortable right now something snapped in my psyche at year old four year ago and i ve essentially been miserable since i wa diagnosed bipolar type i this mean without medication or proper self care i e sleep i can have an episode of severe depression or mania wherein my mind work in overdrive and it may feel good in fleeting moment but is ultimately disastrous to my life while manic i ve ruined my credit score crashed car and ruined relationship through verbal violence that is a byproduct of my lowered inhibition at this time with sobriety medication and meditation i had been doing well but with a new fork in the road in regard to my career terrible sleep with disturbing and stressful nightmare and utter confusion and frustration a a result i can t even bring myself to suicidality because i ve tried it quite a few time pill other type of pill intentional carbon monoxide poisoning cutting major artery and more pill with alcohol life just seems to be an endless series of pain and suffering i feel like getting in my car and driving i want to drive to a remote area in a state that is foreign to me park my car and just walk starve to death find a cliff and enjoy the sight of a new scene while i m at it what scare me is surviving and being more miserable with a set back that is typically what happens thanks for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 485, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0379", "text": "in recent week i ve been starting to learn how to live with my anxiety to the point where i very minimally get anxiety anymore anxiety itself happens a couple time a week still but it s nothing i can t handle today i had an amazing day with friend and of course we drank a lot to the point where i wa very drunk at the end which is okay bc i drink more than average i m 9 anyway it wa an unforgettable day and i went to sleep drunk af boom i wake up with the biggest anxiety attack i ve had in month out of nowhere you all understand anxiety attack so hopefully you get it when i say that i wa totally convinced my body woke me up because i wa dying in my sleep or that a heart attack wa nearing now i m calming down on the couch at 0 am watching the office when i just want to sleep what i just want to get off my chest is that i hate that this stupid disorder follows me around in every aspect of my life it s just really depressing there s nothing i can do to make it stop ever it s just depressing that it s always there around the corner waiting for me i wa so proud of myself for learning how to deal with anxiety but now this shit happened to me and i just feel tired about it i honestly wouldn t wish this on my worst enemy i wouldn t wish it on anyone if i had to choose between infinite money or not having to live with anxiety ever again i d choose the latter every fucking time sorry but i just had to vent about this im just tired", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 308, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0380", "text": "tw mention of anxiety ocd allergic reaction back story in 0 9 i had a bad batch of sushi and developed scombroid scombroid fish poisoning or histamine fish poisoning is a syndrome resembling an allergic reaction that occurs after eating fish contaminated with high level of histamine i had every symptom of anaphylaxis and wa taken to the hospital in an ambulance where i wa diagnosed with a scombroid i had never heard of this neither had my parent but god ha it ruined my life and all the progress i ve made regarding my anxiety after this happened i developed a serious fear of becoming allergic to food i ve eaten all my life to the point all i ate for eight month wa plain chicken tender and tater tot and even with a basic menu i spent every day having panic attack convinced i wa having an allergic reaction flash forward to early 0 0 my fear extended into what wa diagnosed a ocd i spent every five minute lathering my arm and hand in hand sanitizer because i wa afraid of touching something i wa allergic to and not knowing i would even put hand sanitizer on my lip if i accidentally touched my hand to my mouth before i could clean them i have since sought out help and have stopped my obsessive sanitizing however the fear of an allergic reaction through eating ha not gone away i still struggle to eat but it really hasn t been an issue for me lately until tonight my food tasted funny and it sent me into a spiral it s so hard to express to people that hey my body is creating fake symptom that aren t actually happening and i am freaking out and it s so disheartening when i let it get this bad i know progress isn t linear and that one bad day doesn t set you back to square one but i can t help but feel like all my hard work is erased when i let my anxiety win basically i m trying to see if anyone ha any advice to handling serious health anxiety when it get to attack level maybe someone else ha been in this exact situation and i m not alone it would be nice to feel le alone any kind word or advice regarding my situation would be greatly appreciated", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 425, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0381", "text": "a year ago today i moved to a new city the city of opportunity growth and everything nice but i also learned this is the city of demise since i ve moved here itit s been hard to adapt to the culture the environment and pretty much anything else the store were different everyone talked differently people dressed differently and everyone had money so i thought i realized that my salary wa not enough to fund the normal lifestyle that i managed to survive off for year post undergrad in my home town and a new lifestyle i wa living paycheck to paycheck borrowing money getting loan and using credit to make end meet this made me depressed because it wa at the pandemic s peak and i spent 90 of my time inside with my thought i became more and more depressed and didn t know what to do i had suicidal thought but i tried to push through here s where thing take a turn i got a gig i earned more from my gig than my take home pay so my life wa sweet i wasn t depressed this lasted for six month then my health took a turn i couldn t keep up with life anymore i wa physically ill and had to let the gig go now i m here no gig and leaving the full time job so now i m in a new city no income following for a few week and ready to end it all i ve always thought money doesn t buy you happiness though they re right my journey prof that money can contribute to happiness doe money make you happy", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 284, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0382", "text": "hello everyone thank you for taking the time to read this i m very new to anxiety and wanting to learn technique on how to navigate my way through episode i ve began changing my diet and gone back to being active although not a much a when i wa in better shape in order to keep my mind busy during the day however it flair up at night time randomly and i ve gone to the er a few time out of fear of it being a heart attack thankfully they ve all been negative however i still find it hard to shake the urge to go there i recently got some lab work and my pcp told me i have slightly high cholesterol but manageable with diet and exercise vi ramos d deficiency which i m supplementing with caroming and ensuring i get sun for at least an hour a day however the worse thing that flared it after almost a month of episode wa hearing that i m at risk for heart disease so i ve gone into overdrive on changing my eating habit and working out to ensure that i can lower my chance a much a possible there lie my fear whenever i feel the slightest change in my heart beat i become hypersensitive and can t shake the feeling and it spiral from there thankfully i ve had my mom and girl friend to lean on and they ve been godsend i ve also had heart to heart with my mom during episode that seem to help it come to an end i m aware that i must change aspect of my lifestyle to ensure my health stay good and i prolong my life but is there anything else that work for you maybe there s something i haven t thought of i also wanted to post this so that i could feel part of the community this is new to me and i m making myself a vulnerable a possible in real life being letting my family friend and co worker know whom all have been awesome btw and allowing them to know where i m at but there s something about surrounding myself with others that are currently working through it take make me feel stronger supported it might be late for a majority of you but i d appreciate any advice whether it s a movie scene book or activity i m open to all thing to add into my repertoire i just came down from an episode so i apologize for any spelling error or if my thought we re convoyed correctly thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 453, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0383", "text": "older people tend to treat young people with anxiety like it s just a new trend and not a serious disorder affecting our daily life constantly trust me i wish i didn t have to demand wfh indefinitely because i ve been almost exclusively working from home for two year and it fucked me up anxiety wise i wish you understood how me not really talking to anyone once i m in the office or opting out of group activity isn t about being a bitch it s because one interaction can mess with my brain for hour and for day if i deemed it wrong in any way it s because i know i ll have to be buzzed on pill the entire time just to have a somewhat decent time i wish i wasn t like this just a much a you wish gen y and or z wouldn t complain about anxiety ruining their life to be lazy and avoid working a hard a you do or whatever you think it mean i wish i didn t experience this incapacitating and invisible disorder every single day of my life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0384", "text": "i feel like i m really close to ending my own life i cant imagine myself living another year i ve had happy day but i haven t been able to appreciate anything good that ha happened to me i m so hyper focused on every bad thing that it just make me want to end it all the only thing that s really stopping me is lack of a proper method and making it seem like a big deal i don t want anyone to care i don t want it to effect my family or for them to even notice i m trying to distance myself from everyone close to me so i can make it easier on them when i ve finally had enough the sad part is that i ve been so lucky to have a decent upbringing but everything i feel right now is just my fault i don t have any valid reason to feel this way so many people have had it worse i cant even be mad at anyone else i did it to myself and i continue to do this i ob over my appearance too much and it just hurt looking at myself i cant stand to hear myself speak or let other people see me i m so disappointed in myself for letting this happen to me i don t think i ll be able to get out this mindset and a soon a the time is right i ll probably take the east way out man this suck", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 260, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0385", "text": "hi i wa wondering if anyone ha this happen to them i have have had depression for decade i have good day and bad day no period that last for week or month like i did when i first started having symptom 0 year ago thank god it is mostly occasional bad bout most often i just have a dull low depression that i can dell with using moving muscle using cognitive dispute today i had one of the rare event that i used to get often i wake up early have a cup or two of coffee yet i feel really exhausted i slept fine the night before i end up having breakfast but that exhausted feeling becomes overwhelming and i go back to bet by 9am the entire day consists of me sleeping having lucid bat shit crazy bizarre dream the dream are not nightmare in fact they are rather creative but the local and situation are like the came from somebody imagination in a distant galaxy they would make really interesting sci fi fantasy i also dream about being lonely i have no family few friend one thing i remember wa this gut wrenching sadness about a girl i dated over 0 year ago thought she wa the one but it fell apart after about 0 to hour i get up have something to eat i feel hung over an d it is like a storm passed through my brain spent it s energy and now calm ha returned i wa wondering if anyone else had had similar experience like this it would be concerning if it wa a frequent occurrence which it once wa in the early day of depression again that wa decade ago thanks in advance for any observation or comment peace", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 305, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0386", "text": "i came from my ex boyfriend year ago i lived year only like i wa breathing air and nothing more no interest no hobby no people only my room an pc and game i went trough some trauma and i thought someone found me a a person he heard me everything but couple day ago he got sick a he turned 0 he doe not care nothing i dont know what to do what to think i am overthinking about the worst thing that he will leave me after all i said to him did to for him everything i am in really bad condition due to my friend suddenly passed away depression and threatening a he did not handle it so yes he took his life i really miss the person who can i talk write i dont know what have i done i bought perfume for me i wrote to him he didnt even notice we were playing together but now we not when i asked him what is wrong with me he said nothing but when he played yesterday and i waited for him he played with his friend i literally cried the whole evening i feel i am not enough and i think when he will be fine it wont be like before", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 219, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0387", "text": "life just fucking suck i hate everything but above anything else the most i hate is religion i cant help it but say that i do not understand religion and their concept guess what i had to be born in a religious family fuck yeah because of that i am constantly threatened by religious friend and family looking at me like i am a disgusting being constant physical abuse by my mother just because i disagree with their belief i never wa disrepectful to them i just hoped that i could be free and decied wetehr or not follow the religion but no my mother is more worried of what other family member think of her so she try to force me to not reject religion or else my family will think that she is a bad mother and look down on her my family is a fucking joke this is not my only reason that made me start having suicidal thought i am a teenager male so i unfortunately still depend of my mother but that doe not matter because i decided that after finishing uni i will kill msyelf i am weak i cant even handle a full time job i have no realistic goal i have no ambition and even le motivation to do anything it seems i am not suitable fort this world so the only thing i am able to do is fuck this shit i give up i am not strong enough and i know it is pathetic and cowardly yes you are right i am a fucking coward piece of scum so please kill me already", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 282, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0388", "text": "i don t know if this is the right place but i just want to get this out of my system somewhere and a journal won t do if it doesn t belong here please delete my girlfriend and i are in an open relationship we both agreed on it and i never had any problem with it but after year of trying i have had zero success while my girlfriend can basically choose and it hurt it hurt seeing her choose other guy over me it hurt knowing she d rather spend time with them than with me what hurt the most is seeing her being happy listening to her talking about how exciting it is how much self esteem she gained from it and thus knowing that if i ever tell her that it hurt me i ll make her sad and i don t want to make her feel said even if it mean cry myself to sleep while she is having fun with our friend it s not her issue though she is always asking beore and afterwards if it is okey checking in on me and she would stop this instant if i would tell her about any of this but i know it would still hurt and limit her losing this part of her life and i can t and don t want to do that because i know that if i loose her my life would get miserable i d most likely stay the rest of my life alone and die alone i d lose almost everything positive in my life and i d rather die than having to live 0 miserable year alone thanks for putting up with my ridiculous and self inflicted shit and just remove it if it doesn t belog here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 306, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0389", "text": "my father is very smart he ha so much achievement in his education and he always graduated top on his class his dream profession wa to become an engineer but because they were poor he wa not able to pursue it back then he would always persuade to become an engineer now i m at college studying engineering but i am struggling to keep up with college whenever i share to them my struggle they just expect me to easily overcome it i cry every night thinking that i am just a failure and a disappointment to my family this ha all started when i wa still in elementary and have been reaching a top in the class i wa introduced to the computer and got hooked by it i basically grew up in high school facing my computer most of the time i would no longer study and just play all night long not knowing the impact it that would cause me today my habit have completely changed i became malnourished my education ha deteriorated and i graduated high school not knowing how to add a simple fraction now i am at college i am struggling to keep up especially math and i have a failing grade we have a programming subject and what i have realized is that i actually feel happy when taking the lesson i have been thinking to change my career instead but i know my family would not agree i have so many thought right now about what ifs but the urge to just end my life is too strong because i know at this point of my life i have no chance to succeed i have been thinking about this for week i have completely lost my faith and motivation i am disappointed in myself knowing if i would continue it would only get worse i ve already prepared everything i m only waiting to actually be able to pull the trigger", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 333, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0390", "text": "you exit the game when you re bored or if you don t like it or if it make you feel bad right you don t snoop around for literal year waiting for the stagnant and painful game to get better right so i don t understand why i m still here i guess i m just afraid to exit the game because i ve been playing it my whole life i don t know what i ll do when i leave it it s like my game is plagued with a virus no matter what i do it won t get better i ve tried my hardest and my best to fix it fix the root of it but i ve been cursed since birth and no matter what i do it won t get better it s why i m so depressed because it will never go away i either live with it or die i am so fucking over playing this game i m so over cry and feeling like shit every waking moment i have to play the game i don t want to play anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 191, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0391", "text": "after over year of dealing with daily anxiety i feel like i need to heed my doc advice and get on medication i know a lot of people will say that it s not but i feel like a loser and a weak person for not having enough strength to overcome my anxiety alone i look in the mirror every day and hate myself for not being able to get past this for sickening year i ve been trying to deal with this on my own every night i go to sleep exhausted saying the next day will be different sometimes i have better day most day are just a grind to pull myself out of the anxiety i don t mind working hard but i spend hour upon hour obsessing about my health any little ache pain bump or bruise sends me into a panic i have heart palpitation on the regular i can t sleep at night i ve tried working out lost lb walk for hour on end listen to positive message stopped drinking and yet the anxiety won t let go of me i pray to god to help me to give me an answer on whether or not i should get on medication i think god might be telling me it s time instead of enjoying the movement with my family i m checking my pulse worrying about cancer is that palpitation a heart attack wa the doctor wrong when he said i m healthy it follows me every where it s become my closest evil little friend and yet i hate myself for not being able to kick it why am i so weak why can t i tell it to fuck off and never come back why if it s my own brain can i not control it i feel like if i just keep pushing i can defeat it without med but it s been year and i don t want another to go by living like a tortured animal just waiting for it to all end maybe i m just scared to go on med i don t know if anyone can see themselves in what i m saying can you please let me know what if any med have helped you i m not looking for medical advice but when i talk to my doc i d like to have some idea of what he might be recommending anyways long post thanks for listening", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 419, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0392", "text": "when people ask me what i wan na do or what my plan for something is i always kinda give a vague idea or like say very generic thing everyone around my age might be saying like oh i wan na move out and pursue this or that type stuff but in reality i don t even know if i want to be here i think that my lack of proper planning for thing or goal setting is because when i wa younger i had to go through a lot of difficult thing that traumatized me and made me minimize the space i took up not only in everyone else s life but in my own so much to the point that i didn t even think i wa gon na make it to the age that i am today i really only planned on being here a day longer than i wa yesterday and eventually it s added up and i have been here for this many year i don t know how to look forward or plan for thing ahead farther than tomorrow really because i never intended to be here for that long anyway but it s becoming a really bad problem a i am in my 0 and everything i do now is going to affect the rest of my life it s hard to know what i want to do or what i want to pursue when my whole life i didn t think that i would even be here i am so lost and genuinely don t know what i am doing or who i am and i feel detached from everyone around me i feel like i am just existing and i am thankful for the thing i ve experienced and the people in my life and all that but i m just so lost i genuinely have no word to describe the void i feel and sometimes can not believe that i did this to myself i made myself so small i don t even see me so how could anyone else see me it s so hard when your own mind is the thing that make it hard for you to do anything and i ve just been struggling a lot lately", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 383, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0393", "text": "a little about me first i have always been the type of person to see thing only black and white i live my life through fact and being direct im very detailed and observant i observe people behavior and see who they really are are they genuine fake im also the type of person who analyzes everything could be over thinking i analyze every conversation every behavior every tone and i start to over think doe this person hate me did i say the wrong thing i dont think i can change the way i am by not caring because i had a lot of pressure of being perfect or good enough growing up i define myself a a perfectionist and a people pleaser i hate who i am and i push so many people away in my life because i dont feel like anyone actually care about me i feel alone and im sad i started a program at school that is very competitive to get in i wa hoping to make friend there since we all worked so hard to get in it been about a year and i dont see any of them outside of school no one text me outside of school and during school no one talk about anything other than school it like no one actually care what i did over the weekend or how my life is i would put myself out there and be interested in others life and even invite them to do stuff but i always get turned down every time i get turned down it just another step deeper into depression i just hate the person i am and i feel like i dont belong in anyones life", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 293, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0394", "text": "i guess i m on here to get some thing off my chest maybe even get some advice i really just want someone to relate to what i m going through if you took the the time to read this thank you a little background i m 0 australian cisgender male i ve lived in the foster care system which come with a lot of different issue i couldn t possibly get into i work for the government i can t say what i do here i do some dangerous work that led to being assaulted in early january i ve since been on work cover for my mental health acute stress disorder every day get harder i wake up and i can t get out of bed i sleep horrible hour i smoke almost a pack a day and i play video game non stop i feel like an exposed nerve some day every interaction with another human make me nervous and the day i leave the house are becoming fewer when i moved to my current town i didn t really have friend i ve always struggled with social interaction i joined a dnd group at a local hobby store in the hope of making some friend they were all relatively younger than me all in their 0 i gave it a go nonetheless several session in they ve asked me not to come back i didn t see it coming tbh it disappoints me because the reason why wa unclear i had thought we were friend dnd wa the general highlight of my week it s not exactly a productive past time and most people probably think it s stupid or nerdy tbh it absolutely is but i felt accepted and it wa a group who s social behaviour didn t revolve around drug and alcohol i m trying so hard not to internalise it and just accept that maybe i just didn t mesh with the group in addition to this my problem are piling up my car is completely useless my back is causing issue and i m gaining so much weight right now everything feel exhausting my lifestyle is so toxic right now and i know something need to change i just don t know what to do i feel so overwhelmed with life the best advice i can find is to grow up take responsibility for my life but it rarely seems that simple i feel like i have nothing left", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 432, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0395", "text": "i don t really have any kind of hope that any other kind of love can truly save you it ha to be romantic because you don t trust friend or family when they tell you that the love you anymore but if someone is willing to hold you and stay with you for the rest of your life just the initiative make it feel better but my problem doesn t even lie there the real problem is that i don t really see myself a someone that can be loved and the reason are endless i m not good looking i have severe social anxiety and i m just a handful of a person to deal with haha and i definitely am not a person that should have been born and even the one time i gave my heart to someone and tried to get to know them better with the hope of igniting something real it wa a fail and i can t help that i have no will left in me to live i don t think writing this post will really achieve anything ultimately but well it would be nice if someone could try to understand me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0396", "text": "i m nearing the end of a long project that i have worked on from the end of last november and my body is trying to shut down to prevent me from doing it i know this fatigue is psychosomatic there is no physical source for it but trying to ignore it can only take me so far if i could work at the same peak rate i did around january and feburary i would ve finished this thing already a week ago and knowing that piss me off every single day i manage to do half of what i planned to do and no matter how hard i push myself i can t do six hour worth of work in even if i sit my as down and tell myself i am not getting up before this fucking thing is finished it run me ragged at worst trying to force myself to pick up my tool and move my hand i get so tired i get out of breath from just sitting at a desk i m perfectly healthy and in my late 0 and i know this is psychosomatic but no matter what i try i can t get myself to fight my way through it without this i would ve been finished long ago how do i make this stop", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 232, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0397", "text": "been on escitalopram for about year worked great for the first or year wa prescribed either or 0mg honestly don t remember the exact dosage eventually it started making me feel complacent with sleeping long hour and not having any energy not meeting my goal or even making goal in the first place and not caring about thing i used to i didn t feel depressed but felt like i wa not where i wanted to be in life and that the antidepressant were part of the problem i should also mention that part of the reason i take them is for anxiety when this happened about year ago i decided to go off of them over a period of month it wa a very slow process because of all the side effect it wa terrible once i wa finally off them i felt worse i did have more energy but it wa like anxious energy i could function on hour of sleep just fine whereas with the antidepressant i feel like i have the flu if i get le than 9 hour normal on the pill is 9 0 hour well once i wa finally off the pill i wa getting anxious over every little thing including driving i had just gotten a new job and wa failing at it my inlaws came to visit in two seperate trip and after the first trip i decided i had to go back on the pill asap a i couldn t handle it anymore random outburst of cry and feeling very depressed along with near constant anxiety which is not great when my in law already don t seem to like me much long story short i went back on the pill about year ago probably about a month or of being off of them but i have kept the dosage low mg a i d like to try getting off them again i am worried to get off them completely again to try new antidepressant a i ve been promoted a few time since i went back on them and i can t risk screwing up my job i did ask my doctor if i could take the lowest dose of my current antidepressant 0 mg while i switch to new one but she told me i would have to be completely off the old one before starting anything new now i am also contemplating just upping my dosage to higher than it wa before and seeing if that help but i m also worried about having to try to get off a high dosage again it wa so terrible i m mostly just wondering if anyone ha any similar experience and what you decided to do and how it worked for you i know going to my doctor is best but it hasn t been super helpful for me so i m just curious about personal experience and i just feel like rambling a bit i guess", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 518, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0398", "text": "i just need to vent a little i think it s upsetting to be a student who know the answer to your professor s question a student who want to engage in discussion but also a student unable to do so because of this silly little thing called anxiety cowardice even a i ve been told it s been an uphill battle ever since i started highschool my grade have always been decent but they re never a good a they can get because i can t speak up in class i know the answer and when i don t i can make intellectual guess not that i m boasting but it s something that i know would be well within my capability if i weren t so scared all the time whenever i m called on to recite it take everything in me to keep the shakiness out of my voice in the online set up even if the question being asked is a simple how wa your weekend i stutter and shake and sweat a if my life is on the line during face to face class i would visibly shake in front of the class and i ve lost so many point time and time again because of that the embarrassment and humiliation even if no one laugh or pick fun at me outwardly burn so badly i guess it s doubly upsetting because i ve been told that i just have no goal in life and because of that i can t bring myself to prepare for anything then proceed to cry and complain about it when i m unable to answer a question or perform well you deserve it if you re not going to do anything about it is it my fault wa being so anxious that my mind would go blank at every question a choice i do try i don t back out when i have to speak in front of the class i try my best to pretend that i m not terrified out of my wit i ve joined a quiz bee or two even if i could never bring myself to compete further than that and i want to do more i don t want the people who say i m wasting opportunity wasting my life to be right in the end maybe it s hard to believe but it s just so tiring when you see everyone around you breeze by an obstacle that you need to spend hour and day on just to overcome imagine that hyping yourself up to do a thing accomplishing it telling someone about it casually only for them to throw it back in your face because you couldn t do better than that ah what a mess", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 474, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0399", "text": "i can t find the strength to do anything i m supposed to do like studying going to the gym or finding a job i have been losing interest in thing i used to like to the point i don t enjoy doing them and they are becoming difficult to do because they are supposed to make me happy and being happy requires a lot of energy i don t have by losing interest and thing i like i m running thin of thing that keep me motivated for living and hope for the future i have difficulty getting help because i don t think it is worth the effort for a hopeless person like me i don t even think i deserve that help considering the thing i hate about myself i don t even want to talk about this thing with other people that care for me because with my point of view of the world and future might grab them down to this dark and hopeless vision the only thing that keep me from km is that i know it would hurt people around me i really need something to look forward something that give me the motivation to keep going", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0400", "text": "since i can remember a a kid i had problem with anxiety it is not that i can not hide it except tremor but sometimes it is too tough and overwhelming whole my life i used to be compared to others and rejected at first instance of any kind of trouble it troubled me a lot because of bullying body shaming physical abuse even i developt chronic disease and had suicidal thought because of it the worst one wa rejection by the close one who said nice thing about me and thought otherwise my spirit in a way kept me feeling better because i made myself go against anything even if it is that stressful and i am hyperactive i know i am strong willed on one side but there is huge unsettlment on other side which is very hard sometimes to control i can have 0 bpm doing just nothing the worst thing actually are my thought and overthinking every single decision that i ever made i am thinking about going this time to have a talk because i do not know how much i can take more and when will my will break at some point even tho i make myself do thing to feel better", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 217, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0401", "text": "i m trying to think of the last time i wa genuinely bored i stay at home a lot but whenever i m not doing something and even when i m doing something i m fighting against my anxiety mentally and physically i almost can t remember the feeling of being totally neutral and looking for something to do just because almost everything i do is to reduce the feeling and effect of anxiety on my body if i watch tv it s to try and distract myself from the heart palpitation and other fun thing and to reduce anxiety eat because i know if i don t i ll feel more anxious eat junk food because i m trying to push through the anxious feeling telling me if i eat junk food i ll get sick or die post online or socialise because again i m trying to push through the feeling of anxiety i get from posting online or socialising my life is anxiety management either trying to reduce anxiety or expose myself to thing that make me anxious which feel like everything to try and reduce anxiety long term oh how i envy people who are just bored", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 204, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0402", "text": "i ve come to the conclusion that i m always going to have to face racism and sexism constantly and that s an awful realisation it honestly make me want to die because why should i live in a world that s full of people who want to hurt me when i don t deserve it i have to work in order to live and unless i suddenly become wealthy and never have to take shit from racist manager then i m done my family life is awful i wa sa d by my sister boyfriend two summer ago and my family s response wa abysmal i went straight to my mum after it happened and called the sister that i love and trust dearly she told me that my mum said what doe she expect if she s staying in their house for free those word have never left me i hear them every time i look at my mum and i m still living with her i m too broke to find a place to live alone and no longer want to work because my racist manager bully me any chance she get everything is really overwhelming me i have 0 friend i used to be such a happy and bubbly person but now no one want to be around me i guess it show how conditional some of those friendship were right i reached out to a friend and told her that i wasn t doing well and neither is she unfortunately she cancelled on me twice and hasn t spoken to me since i feel like she doesn t like me anymore i truly wonder if anyone ever liked me i m naturally very extroverted but my anxiety and depression make me sheepish and untrusting of people i end up shutting down every friendship and i hate that about myself it s so fucking hard to stay afloat i no longer want to have kid with my bf because i don t want my kid to go through racism or me a a mother i realise that my depression and anxiety could be passed down to them but i could also ruin them with how unpredictable my emotion are i don t want them to go through what i went through emotionally honestly i do want to die i understand that there s part of my life i am grateful for but they could leave me at anytime i just want a reset button i don t like how my mind keep ruining everything for me i can t have nice thing", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 447, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0403", "text": "people always tell me how handsome i am i m ft with a muscular build i have a deep voice i m well read with interesting hobby and i can make people laugh but my teenage year were miserable with crippling social anxiety lack of confidence 0 friend and most importantly for me not even a touch of skin with a girl let alone holding hand you wouldn t believe just how crippling it wa i couldn t look a stranger in the eye properly until i wa 0 i wa raised to be away from other kid and naturally my only source of fun wa videogames at least hour a day people are always surprised to find out i m single i ll be tonight i somehow got through college without understanding social cue from my female classmate a couple of whom i later found out for sure liked me and that they had dropped some hint my life ha been on constant repeat of music porn and videogames i ve been begging god since i wa for a girlfriend after i just hoped i would get one soon and soon and soon with the pandemic flying by i realized it s almost been year and that i m about to be i can t bear it it s too painful every one of my peer have boyfriend and girlfriend they had at least a couple of long term one before my age this is killing me i feel like a baby that wa never cared for by his parent so i turned out to be a cold hearted psychopath from lack of love i feel like i m literally going insane i ve been having weird idea lately not just suicidal idea idea that would scare a normal person i finally understand how a normal person can go crazy like this it doesn t matter if i get a girlfriend now that part of my life ha been so bad so lonely that i m at a point that nothing is able to hold back this suicidal feeling i ve always been more emotional than other guy especially when it come to love i know guy my age that don t care about not having girlfriend but my problem is not that i don t have a girlfriend now it s that i ve never had one when i needed it the most i have a lot of med in my drawer that i m gon na gulp down with whiskey and go to sleep after shooting heroin i jokingly told people that i don t feel like living and their only response wa that death is painful well this way it won t hurt a bit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 467, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0404", "text": "it s 09 am rn and it doesn t surprise me because i am used to this i have trouble sleeping because i always think about shit that ha gone wrong in my life and that is a lot i want to socialize have friend be funny i used to be when i wa back home with my friend i am learning in the u now but i always feel mute like i want to speak but i can t because i have a stomach feeling that shit is gon na go wrong so i just fake laugh and smile and it get awkward really fast and it becomes added to one of the thing that keep me up at night i also do weird stuff like smile weirdly curse under my breath or shake my hand or smth weird like that to distract from sudden flash of memory i have throughout my day and when i tell u it happens every damn day every damn minute or two i am not distracting myself in oh myyyy i just live everyday not wanting to wakeup wanting to die if course people around me don t know that i am just weirdly quiet to them anyway thought do i have anxiety", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 216, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0405", "text": "i am and i graduate in a couple of week i feel no where ready to graduate and i still feel like i m 9 i started applying for job but i do not have a full time offer yet it s so awful scrolling through linkedin seeing people posting that they accepted a full time job i m no where near there i m also a first generation student so there s that another one of my anxiety besides graduating from college is that my parent are moving to south florida i hate florida i hate the weather there and i love how it is up here in the northeast unfortunately i do not have the finance to move out even with roommate it would not work out i feel like i m going to be absolutely miserable in florida i hate the vibe there in fort lauderdale and florida to me is a place to visit not to live long term the idea of moving is so anxiety inducing and it just suck it also suck dealing with social anxiety which is preventing me from doing so much i hate it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0406", "text": "hey all i feel the title is pretty self explanatory suffered with ga and ha for most of my life but after year of therapy at least once a month i have learnt a lot of coping mechanism and am doing so much better however i have alot on right now which is overwhelming me immensely and causing my anxiety to creep back very quick back story i m f single mother to an year old being a single mother is not new to me i m organised and have a great support network and earn a comfortable wage i work in management and look after a multitude of employee let s say 0 which is a lot my rental lease is due to expire end of june and australia ha a housing crisis a lot of financially stable people are unable to find home due to the volume of applicant applying for rental i m in the process of buying a property about min away from where i live due to the exorbitant house price in my area median house price is now 0k this is my first home so the process seems daunting even with my broker assistance the move itself entail my daughter changing school right before high school which wa not an easy decision to make my parent are relocating back overseas which will leave me here in australia with no immediate family i don t struggle with problem solving but i guess the issue i have is where to begin there s too many variable factor and i guess i feel stressed because my basic need for a home and stability is so up in the air any advice on how to manage this feeling of utter rubbish i m incredibly unmotivated am not sleeping well and noticing general anxiety creeping in again", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 317, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0407", "text": "i really struggle with depression and increadibly miserable thought about myself and what i do i also struggle with realising what i like or enjoy doing wearing watching etc in a few word i struggle with knowing my interest i feel no emotion for life at all i just see myself doing everyday stuff i need to survive a a human being do you have any suggestion on how i can help myself on speaking much better about myself and what i like sth to enjoy and be interested in like should i tell myself repetitively for instance i enjoy dancing rather than i just do it because i have to because some people say i do it beautifully but i m not sure about it or i don t feel good about it should i write down everyday sth like for instance i write well i read well i like writing i enjoy writing instead of i just write beacuse is needed at work because i have to people use to say i speak well in front of people but i just do it i don t feel anything it s known that depression steal u the joy of life and everyday existance it steal our curiosity in everything i leave everything because i feel no interest on it i just want to feel engaged in sth i m exhausted of not feeling anything good but i have no money for therapy atm can you help me thanks is advance", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 262, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0408", "text": "hey there made a throwaway because people know my normal account long story short i have this friend who used to be my closest friend we ve been like brother since we met in college a we got older we bickered a lot and had a major falling out about mo ago we made up and were kind of just friend that can be around eachother since we have mutual friend but not close anymore which is fine well we saw eachother for a trip with our group a few week back and we bickered on the trip a lot i know i m at fault for my side but he doesn t believe he doe anything wrong mainly we were bickering about politics which i swore to not speak with him because we disagree but there wa drinking and talking regardless after i attempted to apologize and be cool he instead of accepting or apologizing in return turned the conversation to my entire personality and basically dug hard into me a a person he made up shit about me that s not true a well it wa out of the blue and real hurtful but it is what it is i just kind of blew it off until i find out he s talking shit to my close friend in the city i live in now these friend are avoiding me not talking to me i have no idea what he said and how bad he made me look a an almost 0yo adult i don t want to deal with this but man this is really getting to me i m having anxiety about these other friend so bad", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0409", "text": "i ll have all the equipment by thursday i ve worked out how much rent to send my flatmate to cover a couple month i m getting rid of my clothes by the end of the week i ve written some letter and am going to print out a sheet of my important detail i m dreading it so much but i also can t wait time feel so slow and agonising and every time i fall asleep i think what a waste it is to be unconscious and not die in that comfort i don t feel like anyone will miss me but the hard part is i don t want anyone to have to deal with any admin i don t want anyone to have to plan anything it ll be good to go but i hate the fact that someone will have to clean after me i wish i could just disappear instead life is really hard and i don t know how people do it i never understood how people make friend or fall in love or make other people like them i watch people learn to hate me and i don t know what i m doing wrong or how to stop it i ve been alone for my life even my parent didn t want me and i ll be alone for the rest of it if i stay alive i wish i had something good to offer that people liked but i don t know what anyone want or how to give it to them i don t know what they hate either apparently because i m giving them that without even realising", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 285, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0410", "text": "i know i ve already started this off pretty negative but i acknowledge that over the year i ve made a lot of progress with social anxiety i do thing now that i never thought i d be able to do presentation networking event planning hosting party however every time i do any of these thing or even small thing like having to run a work meeting i feel physically anxious my heart pound and i start doubting myself and my hand shake and i have to push through it because there s not usually another option i ve gotten better at it for sure and i m proud of that but sometimes it really just chip away at me i m about to cry tonight over something so minuscule that i ll probably look back on it in a few week and say wow that wa a dumb thing to worry about because that is what always happens i ve probably wasted day of my life just worrying about thing that didn t end up being worthy of that much worry i overthink thing so much and i just wish i could turn it off so badly to so many people now i appear to be this leader that ha shit together but in reality i struggle quietly with the most basic thing and i just feel so embarrassed sometimes i just wish i could turn off the social anxiety it get so frustrating", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 249, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0411", "text": "i m really close to my family and my parent are the most important people in my life which make me so scared for the day that one of them dy and our life change this is my biggest fear and the worst thing is that it will actually happen some day this fear of losing the most important people in my life ha also affected my love life a in i m scared to get into a serious relationship or to think about a future with someone i really love kid but i don t think i would be able to handle all the pain if something wa to happen to them all of this make me think that maybe this really is a hell on earth did i do something bad in my previous life that now i m in hell of my own thought i wonder if there are others with these worry and making you scared to love people say that grief is the price you pay for love but i don t think i can mentally handle that and sorry if i made some grammar error english is my second language", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 196, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0412", "text": "my father disagrees with me on everything and always brings nay topic up he know will annoy me i m only one person s true friend and even that is flimsy my stepfather bearly talk to me my mom always make acscusses about being mean i m atheist and my whole family is except sister are christian and think i m a failure for it my grade are going no where i see no point in continuing if god is real i m going too hell which is what i deserve i don t even know if these thing are true i hate myself and is not great at anything i don t know how i would even kill myself but if i saw a car coming i would not get out of the road if god isn t real ill never have to worry again because i don t exist anymore i just dont want too live and don t tell me the generic nonsense i ve heard it before it doesn t work", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0413", "text": "hi my first post here i m a 0f who ha been diagnosed with anxiety and mild agoraphobia in july last year i ve been on medication ever since and it ha significantly improved my condition i attend university hang out with my friend go on date with my long term girlfriend and haven t had a full blown panic attack since january so in a way i ve never been better the problem is that despite my improved condition i still get highly anxious when i m anticipating something mainly date but sometimes also outing with friend when we have more formal plan in the morning i wake up feeling jittery and can not focus on anything i often feel cold and shaky my hand tremble awfully and in the worst case i have an upset stomach right of the bat then a i m on the train or a tram just second before the meeting i start feeling hot nauseous and lightheaded when we finally meet the panic reach it peak and i very often nearly throw up nausea and diarrhea are the symptom that terrify me the most and then it s over it take some time for me to calm down but this kind of intensity of symptom doesn t come back anymore it happens mostly when i go on date when my s o visit me or when i m hanging out with a completely new friend which is annoying because i feel safe and comfortable around her she understands my condition and helped me through it when i wa at my lowest and could barely leave my house but for some reason she still trigger my anticipatory anxiety the most it doesn t happen always not to this extent at least but i m always at least a little bit shaky and nauseous at the beginning and the not knowing whether i ll be okay or not okay on a certain day is in itself nerve wrecking to put thing in perspective i used to get anxiety attack even when making plan through text message just setting up a meeting could send me spiralling down now doesn t phase me anymore so a you see i m much better now ha anyone experienced something similar", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 400, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0414", "text": "sorry that it s kind of long and simple but i just felt the need to write something i don t know if it s because i m young or because i seem to have fun but no one belief me nobody listens when i say amp x 00b i can survive but can t seem to thrive i m barely even alive my every thought is fear and every day make it more clear that i m struggling to keep up no matter what i do it s never enough amp x 00b i ve tried speaking ignored i ve tried staying silent anxiety ha scored amp x 00b 0 i plan a ton i don t stop until everything s done but in the long run it matter none it s just yet another thing i do to try and stop the thought 0 amp x 00b so each day i plea to this anxiety that i don t get these type of thought the one strong enough to bring me to my knee and it never work 0 amp x 00b i try to open the door but it s like starting a war how i wish i could go back to before back to when i wa happy for sure 0 amp x 00b the replaying of every embarrassing moment that make me want to die inside even the smallest thing can send my brain into overdrive 0 amp x 00b feel free to contribute or give constructive criticism please i d love to see how we can all be struggling with the same thing and yet it affect u all in different way", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 299, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0415", "text": "this isn t the normal kind of post i would write and my follower are probably going to leave because of this but here i am most of the time i have the thought in passing if i were dead i wouldn t have to deal with all of this or life is just too hard i wish i wasn t here lately thing in my life have gotten really bad i had a miscarriage in january it sucked because my husband and i had been trying to get pregnant for a long time and had been told that it wasn t going to be possible without intervention or weight loss or both but there we were pregnant and all of a sudden not pregnant i spent the last year dealing with some drama at work that took me over the edge more than a few time i wanted to kill myself so badly but i never told anyone about it i d mention to my therapist that i wa having the suicidal thought and he d check in but i reassured him that i d be ok and he would remind me of all the time i had been here before and gotten out of it now i m looking at a tough situation at home i am not going to go into detail about it but thing are hard at the moment and i find myself feeling trapped unwanted and like more of an annoyance than anything it suck to feel that way in your own home i honestly don t know what i m doing any more and the suicidal thought are getting more real and more pervasive i am finding it hard to stay in a good place i m finding it hard to think logically about it all i feel is desperation and a strong desire to just end it to be done with the fight of having to live with constant depression and anxiety just having rest from that would be a relief but also i know i shouldn t do it life suck and it shouldn t be this hard wish i could feel loved supported and like my life actually matter yet here i am", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 376, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0416", "text": "hey everyone i ve been a long time reader of this sub and i wan na say first of all that i wish you all the best of life truly i m writing this in great sadness my life isn t bad i ve got a good family awesome friend there s nothing obviously wrong about me i study i work i m in my early 0 i ve made the life for myself that i thought i should and needed to have the problem is there s absolutely nothing about my life that make me happy that i can say that truly satisfies and fulfills me about two year ago i decided to made some radical change in my life i lost a ton of weight i started working more on my look my social skill budding up my confidence i got a job that despite being shitty af ha made me somewhat independent financially i feel like i ve come so far like i ve overcome so much yet right now i m writing you this in such a deep sadness i simply feel sad i feel empty i feel alone mostly i feel alone i feel misunderstood i feel like i m out of place i don t belong anywhere that i try to go t i don t belong to anyone and it s been like this every single day for the last year i feel like i m going mad i ve tried all i can and i truly mean this all that i possible could have done to find even the slightest resemblance of happiness but i haven t sometimes it feel like i m finding a way like i m finding some light but then suddenly it all go away i m tired guy it s my biggest shame in life to have to admit this that i somehow find myself in my early 0 saying i don t have any will to live the many year of life that i still have ahead of me and yet this is the truth i m tired and i don t want to continue not this way at least sometimes i wonder why me why did it happen to me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 378, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0417", "text": "what keep me awake every night is trying to figure out whether my wife and kid would be better off if i actually did take my own life versus me continuing to exist in their life versus divorce and distancing myself from them a much a possible my best mate in my late 0 his mother took her own life when he wa about 0 year old and he hated her for it ever since my parent split when i wa and i have absolutely no memory of my parent a a couple you know a mum and dad together and i m pretty sure my dad left to live with his parent because he had wanted to take his own life and wanted to distance himself from u to minimise the impact he s still alive looking after his mother but he never had any passion for anything and always seemed to be just existing so i get it i m that way too i don t know of any example of father who decided to just live and not leave the family because all my childhood friend were also poor kid living in single parent household i have no friend now so i don t have any example to go by i can see how me choosing to stick around but the therapy and medication isn t making a fucking difference could make life shit for my wife and kid even tho he s alive i can t talk to my dad about anything deep or meaningful my so called adopted father my uncle is so full of b platitude and braindead socialist bullshit that i can t stand talking to him about this stuff i don t have any friend from church so i have nobody to teach me how i m supposed to pray about this shit so i m getting no answer from jesus god i effectively have nobody to talk to about this i don t want empathy i want fucken solution the mere fact that no matter what i do whether ten of thousand of dollar of therapy or a half dozen different medication over the last five year none of it ha made anything better fuck depression fuck adhd fuck doing a job for money fuck being productive fuck cognitive behaviour therapy fuck autism fuck aspergers fuck anxiety fuck just reach out for help fuck society and fuck god for making me born with this mental illness", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 424, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0418", "text": "i am a male who should be having the time of his life in college meeting new people getting a degree experiencing all that life ha to offer in reality i dont want to be here any more i feel that i am in people life to help them through their stuff and then one they re fix im out of their life i feel like there are maybe people in the world that would miss me if i wasn t here i feel like everything i do on a daily basis is to keep an appearance that i want to live and that i am doing thing for me i have never been this close to just accepting the fact and just not waking up tomorrow i know it might hurt some people that i know but i am dont suffering in silence and i am done with this facade that i have to keep up every single day of my life my life feel like it is on repeat the same thing happen and i dont feel anything besides not wanting to be here i dont feel emotion like others do i can go from laughing like im about to cry to a straight face within second i dont feel sadness i dont feel happiness like others i am in a constant state of numbness i dont want to play this game anymore im done with it there no one i trust that i can share this with and no one in my life truly understands this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 260, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0419", "text": "i am so alone in this world and it is such a pain it s so hard for me to function properly it seems everything is a trigger to me now loud noise well any noise being around people talking everything make me want to relapse im gaining weight which ha never happened i m so ashamed and embarrassed yesterday i ate so much i couldn t even stand up straight and had terrible stomach cramp and felt like vomiting i even started to have chest pain too whether i eat or starve myself it seems i am still digging myself into a grave so tired of people asking me if i m in college and then telling me i need to go when i respond no i am not in college why do people feel entitled to tell me who to be and what to do with my stupid fucking life i can t even take care of myself how the hell am i supposed to balance a job and college im sick i have nobody that love me and i believe that s part of the problem the thing i hate the most is when i hear others talk about how they are lonely too meanwhile they have friend and a family to turn to i m so sick and tired of people lying to me i can t believe this is the best life ha to offer me i m so embarrassed my life wa over such a long time ago if i killed myself now there would be no big difference everything and everyone will go on", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 274, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0420", "text": "f it s currently am and i m cry like every other night i seriously don t wan na go tomorrow i say this every day i hate it there i hate it so fucking much got so many absents this year i m pretty sure i ve missed a whole month at this point i at least get to see my friend for 0 minute during break but that s pretty much all that s good about school right now so i m thankful for them i can t stand one more second of sitting in class trying to pay attention like a if nothing is wrong with me i also absolutely hate the subject i take they don t teach what i want art so i m stuck with boring as lesson i don t give a shit about we have or more test every fucking week and i m so sick of it how the fuck am i supposed to study when i can t even get out of bed and do basic task this school doesn t give a shit about mental health well in their advertisement they do so but that s all for show i feel really guilty for even feeling this way because there s literally nothing wrong with my life i have a good family good friend in a safe country and am in a financially stable household don t get me wrong i am completely grateful for all these thing yet i m so depressed and nihilistic thinking about my future university work etc make me sick i can t comprehend living past i would ve killed myself long ago if it wasn t for the damage it would ve done to my family i m taking international a level so the workload is pretty brutal high school is a very small part of my life so i just need to be patient and get it over with i just have one more year left but it sound way easier said than done seriously feel like like i m over complicating my situation which is 00 the case because i always do this i m still so young none of this is gon na matter in the future wish i could just take the depression a well a the anxiety that make me overthink out of my brain like a if it wa a physical thing then all these negative thought and the anxiety i feel every second of every day would be gone sorry for the long as rant literally nobody is going to read this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 442, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0421", "text": "so long story short i recently started to become what i think is depressed thing is after the first few day of it being a bit tough i became to find it enjoyable to some extent amp x 00b to put it simply it ha let me achieve something i ve been trying to achieve for a very long time near zero emotion positive or negative but this time it isn t from repressing my emotion i also don t crave nearly a much social interaction a before and i give no shit meaning i wa able to get work done in class i usual hate since i don t hate them anymore the main downside to all this are increased tiredness increased frustration and low motivation low motivation and increased tiredness don t really bother me since i don t get homework and i don t have a job so it s not getting in the way of anything the increased frustration however is a wee bit annoying since i seem to quit my game way more than usual making me lose progress i also know i won t do anything suicidal cause that would violate of my core logical value amp x 00b all in all i rate this experience a 0 it would be an 0 if it weren t for the increased frustration", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 237, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0422", "text": "hey i don t want anyone to feel too down but any advice might help so for the past few day week scarily maybe a couple of month i haven t felt real and it s starting to scare me i ve struggled with anxiety for a while and i ve had it happen for a couple of day in the past but this time it feel different it s the physical embodiment of is this all there is like i m self aware yet everything is hazy and forgettable i thought it would go away when i came home from uni but it hasn t i just came back from a family dinner where i couldn t stop being frustrated with how i couldn t just be there mentally immerse myself i tried appreciation of the little thing and when i try i know i should feel something but it just apathy it s like it is what it is but a bit more pessimistic hopeless maybe hopeless is too strong a word i don t plan on giving up in my lifetime but it just make me overwhelmed that this ha been going on for a while and i don t know how to make life feel real again it might be derealization but it feel weirder more self aware than that if anyone ha gone through this before and ha tip to speed up the process i d be so so grateful", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 254, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0423", "text": "i am currently a senior at a prestigious college i worked really hard in high school to get there living a a lower middle class kid going to a high school that provided terrible education i never needed a pill or therapy or anything until my first breakup and my first year of college something shifted immediately suddenly i wa depressed i didn t have any plan for the future and i still don t over the year i used validation from sex with men social status and a crippling shopping addiction to deal and it ha been in and out but always there i started going on medication in college i am currently on anti depressant and vyvanse a i can no longer find any energy to do a single thing if i don t take it i hate it it make me even more miserable and my mood swing worse but hey at least i can get out of bed seeing my friend have the energy to go out on weekend them getting prestigious job being put together and looking at myself who ha no job lined up my partner is amazing but doesn t love me and i am in a shit ton of financial debt from personal debt like credit card to school loan i really lost any drive i had i ve been unhappy the whole time i ve been here for the past year it is absolutely fucking exhausting living like this my brain is always caught in negative thought loop i am so stressed that my neck and upper back are in pain i use kratom and other anxiety relief to cope my mood swing are horrible and even just fucking talking myself down every single day is so tiring i can t do this anymore i hate myself so much i hate my life i hate my diseased brain nothing help i m not even a good person a lot of the time knowing that i have to deal with this mental illness while working my entire life is too much to bear sometimes i am so angry i hit my head against the wall and hit myself with my hand i have so much anger and rage inside of me that never go away i don t even feel capable of learning anymore i am convinced my brain can no longer retain information and that i m just fucking stupid and worthless i want to die i really really can t take it much longer", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 430, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0424", "text": "i m so tired everything is rough right now i m getting sick of it and i want out it seems thing go wrong at every turn lately for example my family went on a big march break trip one week on a resort wa gon na be awesome to top it off i wa turning sixteen that week and guess what happens i get norovirus for day and then the flu for the rest of it i missed half of the trip how fucking incredible back home now and thing are more stressful than when i left the ceiling of my parent restaurant caved in from prolonged water damage which our landlord wouldn t fix and we ve been closed for a month now with repair only starting recently i have been unable to work this whole time which is lovely considering i am paying of an expensive computer feel selfish to complain considering the scale of issue that my parent are facing but still fucking suck i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning now and i ve missed lot of school a a result of course my grade have fallen i ve got missing assignment littered about and it suck cause not long ago i wa a 90 and up student i just want to be dead i m not brave enough to do anything though so i guess i ll sit and suffer i wa hoping i d have turned all this around by it s been year that this ha been going on now and i am so disappointed in myself for it i know i could do better than this i know i have the capability if i could just have enough energy and will to get the fuck out of bed every morning all would be perfect if i could look at myself in the mirror without wanting to claw my face off all would be perfect but none of this is gon na happen because i don t have the drive to bother with any of it nobody know either i don t think anybody ha the slightest clue and if they have an idea they don t know the depth of it i m not gon na tell them i ll probably have died already by the time i have the courage to say anything oh well i certainly won t tell my parent i don t even know how we are still afloat financially with everything that s happening but we are barely and i m not gon na add stress to them", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 442, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0425", "text": "warning i ll be ranting about feeling hopeless guilty all the time and having no will to do anything with a splash of bitterness with life lately it feel like there is no hope for thing to get better for me like all the hope i had before is sucked right out of me nothing make me feel better word of encouragement and people saying it will get better that it all temporary and that life is beautiful doesnt make me feel any more hopeful in fact i m tired of hearing all these positive encouragement it make me feel bitter guilty and defensive in a way bitter because well i get very irritated about everything and everyone lately so my brain go well why the fck doe anyone want to live so much anyway whats the fckin point guilty because i feel shitty for not being able to heal despite complying to my medication and regularly meeting my psychiatrist granted med aren t miracle worker you apparently got ta work on yourself to get better which make me feel even more shittier because i don t have the will and energy to do anything and that make me feel like a failure finally i feel defensive cause internally my brain go well it not fcking easy you don t know what i m going through so in the end nothing make sense anymore i don t even wan na live but i still feel guilty for not getting better i don t see the point in life but why haven t i offed myself yet sorry for ranting it been a while doe anyone else feel the same", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 289, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0426", "text": "well like the title say it since covid ha come around and i got it time died almost time at this moment i just hoped it killed me i having longcovid and no energy need to use a lot of medicine to get normal breath since then my day are waking up working and after hour i have no energy got ta work for 0 hour a day because it s to busy after i get home nobody is there to support me nobody is ever texting me i hate it to see everyone having a gf around me i m alone not talking to someone and when i talk to people people will backstab me after sometime after i did something for them i hate my life and just want to be happy again hoped to find a girl to talk with have friend that like playing game and chatting but i m always alone while gaming or something and when people say yeah i get online they never will get online i m here to write it off myself 9 0 time it help especialy since i not have someone to talk about it sometimes i hope to meet some dutch people that feel the same or know how it is amp x 00b thanks for those who even read this sh t d amp x 00b kind regard amp x 00b ajax winner", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0427", "text": "the number one reason i m severely depressed is the fact that i can never get a foothold in life i m like this powerful rocket on the launch pad that never take off rocket have phenomenal thrust potential but they need a team of people to actually allow it to succeed at what it wa built for i need friend i need family i need people to actually work with me i m year old and have yet to find a foothold to allow me to ascend the mountain for success i ve worked so hard i ve worked countless hour i ve dedicated my heart and soul to excellence i even started my own company a few year ago but a company can not simply run itself you need client investor and people that actually believe in what you re doing in order for that to reach it fully potential i have all this stored up explosive thrust yet no way to get any of it off the launch pad i can have all the desire integrity energy die hard spirit and tenacity however i can t do it alone in a world of untapped potential i feel absolutely isolated and alone i m incredibly intelligent and resourceful yet i m still broke financially and can t ever find a way to get a leg up it take more then one person to succeed i can t continue to give 000 while this world turn a cold shoulder to me and give nothing in return it doesn t and can t work that way so yeah i m depressed and teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown because life isn t working with me it s constantly working against me and to my ultimate demise", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 306, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0428", "text": "i had so many suicidal thought last night while i wa driving to try to make myself feel better i thought drowning is scary but i can go put my car in the river and drown then i went well let s look up to see what medication we have that might do it i m just so tired i ve tried so many different medication at this point i do therapy nothing ha worked i m still holding onto a little sliver of hope thing won t always be this way maybe one day i can keep my house clean all the time maybe one day i won t be so stressed and anxious maybe one day i ll be able to stay consistent and do well at my job if feel like it s further and further away i also just believe i m a total fucking failure at and discredit all the thing i ve done because it s just not good enough to me i don t know how to stop the negative self talk oh and i m also sometimes hearing voice lately sometimes i know they re not there real other time they sound like they re right next to my window or in my house i really wish i could just not exist for a week or a month why can t i just shut it all fucking off for a while i even just had a nice date with my partner and i m already back to thinking well i should still kill myself soon", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 264, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0429", "text": "my other alt account wa deleted so i m posting here today i had a mental breakdown on the basis of what i feel are good thing in my life disappearing inexplicably oftentimes whenever i attempt interaction with aforementioned good thing the last straw wa today over a fairly trivial issue but i broke down because of so many thing that had happened recently in my past that i wa unable to shrug off my life is fairly good and i am very lucky to be living in a household full of opportunity however it feel a though whenever i try to fully indulge in what s provided to me whether it be by my hand or anothers it s normally gone in no time flat about the call i wa in the middle of my breakdown and tried to take the rational course of action calling the hotline because i desperately needed to talk with somebody only to vent my frustration and promptly be hung up on by the person on the other end of the line i tried calling twice more ok case i hung up on then by accident but wa almost immediately disconnected and the last time wasn t able to be connected with anyone fuck what if i were actually about to commit suicide and just wanted someone to talk with only to find out that they didn t care about my problem either it anger me just typing this i m sick of living this way i don t think suicide is the answer but i really just need someone to talk with about my frustration thanks for reading and hopefully your day is better than mine", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 288, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0430", "text": "i think this is mental breakdown but over the past few month thing have been slowly building up for me and i seem to have finally snapped last week my daily routine is basically wake up shit shower brush and sit on the pc until i go back to bed i eat whenever i feel like it i know it sound and it a shit schedule but it s like the only structure i have in my life a boring and shitty a it is it s always the one thing i can kinda find comfort and stability in anyways the final thing happened that made me snap last week i now wake up and just kinda sit in my bed for a while brush my teeth go walk outside for an hour and then drive around for a few hour then i come back shit shower and the only thing i have left is to sit on my pc but it is borderline painful to do that idk what it is but i just can t handle wasting my time on the pc anymore i ve more or le ditched my online friend and any game video song that i used to enjoy all day i want to be out of the house a much q possible and dread the place that i ve spent so much time in comfort i dread going back to my safe space and wan na avoid it for a long a possible", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 251, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0431", "text": "i m not sure where to even post this but i m hoping someone who read this can relate for the past month everything feel wrong or off but there is objectively nothing wrong i started a new long awaited and anticipated job and quit my horribly toxic previous work place this wa the moment i had fantasized about for the last few year but ever since then i can t seem to feel ok everything feel chaotic and out of place but nothing else ha changed i am on a good routine but i still feel out of control again absolutely nothing is out of control in fact looking from the outside in my family is in one of the best stage of life we have been in why can t i seem to feel at home or grounded i feel a constant longing for something but i have no clue what it is i can t come up with a solution to this feeling because when i think about it logically i can t find anything to fix i just can t feel ok", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 187, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0432", "text": "over the past few month i ve felt like shit i ve been tired lonely and the depressed and on the verge of just doing it i ve had multiple occasion where parent haven t been home and i m just sitting there thinking about committing to doing it i can t handle the pressure of everyone around i feel like no body would really care even if i did end it all i don t have many friend and verbally abusive family member brother and mom i feel like nobody would miss me i m told several time a day at school to km and that no body would care i have alot of child hood trauma from growing up that i don t want to get into my home life and school is very verbally abusive to me i get shoved into locker at school jumped one kid even broke my tibia in the hallway i m never happy and haven t been happy in several year a soon a i get happy i go back to having bad thought again for example today my mom wa out picking up furniture and i wa at home watching tv she wa out for at least an hour at this point but then a little bit after i just had the sudden urge to do it i then called mom and tolled her that i threw up which wa a lie so she could come home and stop me from hurting myself tomorrow i m going to tell her everything that ha been happening and hopefully getting some therapy and medication do you guy have any suggestion for what i could do to be a little more happier sometimes", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 291, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0433", "text": "i always have these time where i really think about myself in middle school and i get really fuckign sad i wa bullied and treated like shit but i never really admitted to it and wa always in denial about it i never really defended myself or stood up for myself and i wa really quiet and it make me want to slit my throat like i wish i just stood up for myself and defended myself and wasn t such a coward like i can t stop thinking about it and it really fuck up my mood and i always feel so shitty about everything like it s in the past and i can t do anything about it but i can t help but move on and it s constantly in the back of my mind it literally make my blood boil for some reason i have anger issue and when i get treated shitty for no reason especially when i m really quiet and shy it make me so fucking angry like why do u feel the need to pick on someone who s so introverted and clearly not very social like fuck you fuck them all and fuck every person who ever treated me like fucking shit in middle school elemantry school i hope they fucking burn espically this one kid named nick he made my life literal torture and the worst part wa that he wa in every one of my class fuck him and i will always wish nothing but the worst on him", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 265, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0434", "text": "i shower and wash my hair naturally curly so it s a whole routine do my skin care routine and feel good for a day or two then i just don t even want to do it again i stop washing my hair for a week or two i completely stop taking care of my skin i fall off my routine until i get that motivation back to do it again i m getting so tired of this i miss how soft and fluffy my hair feel after washing it i miss how clean and soft my face feel after exfoliating moisturizing i wish i could do this everyday but i just fall off i get so depressed and watch my hair and skin turn into exactly how i feel for the past few day now i haven t even been able to get out of bed i lay there wanting to do thing but i just don t get up it feel like there s so much weight on top of me just holding me down the only one good thing i did yesterday wa getting up to wash the dish i like celebrating the smaller thing but i m kinda getting tired of that i wish i didn t have to i wish i wa functioning like everyone else i wish living didn t feel like such a chore i seriously wish i could give my life to someone who want to live this out anyone else probably would ve made better choice to get out of my situation and much earlier too i feel so useless if anyone s got tip for the getting back into routine thing please throw anything you ve got at me thank you for reading", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0435", "text": "i feel a if life is winning i simply dont want to be here anymore i cant tell if im loved by my parent because it certainly doesnt feel like it i feel like they just use me a a maid and thats just how ive been taught since i wa younger so there not and reason to think that im unable to every week feel the same monday friday is homework with study group and im struggling in class because i cant remember shit it not that i dont pay attention in class it that i am mentally unable to rememebr shit i know back in high school i never had the problem then two year of covid hit and now im aa dumb a rock in a engineering major ive wanted to switch so many time every semester but each time someone talk me out of it ive told my parent twoce already but they insist that i finish school before trying to learn other thing i cant tell if my girlfriend love me anymore after the argument we had a week or two ago about me playing clash of clan and not giving her attention even though i feel like im doing everything i can to give her attention i cant sleep anymore and i just find myself staying up late and repeating the cycle it not like im not trying to better myself either i go to the gym with my friend at school and ive been doing it for week now i just thought it would help me get into the right mindset and help me focus more on school and maybe bring me out of this year depressive episode ive been in since covid started but nothing ive done work now im afraid that i have been pushing my gf and my close friend away and i just want to end it all i just want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffic where i will have no chance of recovering i just want to go so badly but i cant im trapped not by others but by myself cry doesnt make me le of a man right", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 369, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0436", "text": "i used to be quite smart aced everything in high school had best result from my school in maturity exam european equivalent to sat used to do extra curricular shit like attending science fair going abroad for competition and shit used to play the piano play sport i wa in a pretty good shape etc i did well even during my first year of college then covid happened i stayed home got lazy played video game all day kinda stopped taking school and friend seriously year later and i am still in a slump i somehow managed to not drop out but nothing interest me now i dont want to do anything nothing make me happy most of the time i am alone and just sit in my room and watch video or play some shit while procrastinating my duty my grade got worse my back hurt i lost my shape can not run for more than minute my sleep schedule is all over the place i stay up until am and i either sleep like hour a day or hour all the time i am thinking about how i peaked in high school and am just wasting my life now i dont cry or anything a i wa never really in touch with my emotion so i dunno if this is depression burnout or what i just want to not feel like a piece of shit all the time i used to have high standard for myself now i cant seem to reach the bare minimum in order to exist normally doe anyone feel the same how do i get out of this state of mind", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 282, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0437", "text": "i m a college student who ha changed their major different time and am currently pre med although i have always struggled in my science course for about the last year i have had zero motivation my gpa is slowly slipping a i never study or go to class i used to smoke weed all day i wa high most of 0 but i quit and now i just go on my phone in my room or watch movie i have no friend here and don t socialize i usually only leave my room to get food or to study for a test usually the day before or day of i get jealous when i see everyone hanging out and enjoying their college experience while i go to the movie alone or find other way to distract myself i keep telling myself i have to change but i never do i feel like my advisor have given up on me i don t even know if i want to be a doctor but it s a clear cut path that will allow me to help people and provide job security although my real dream is going to hollywood and trying to make it a a screenwriter i have been depressed and have cycled through a lot of medication with my doctor none of them work she now think i may have adhd i just struggle to think long term and have been extremely burnt out since senior year of high school before then i wa always a good student i don t know what happened to me i often fantasize about suicide or dying and lately have just been wishing to stay in my room and just do drug all day i don t know where my drive ha gone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 308, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0438", "text": "when i tried to km the second time what stopped me wa a terror unlike anything i have felt before i ve been planning an overdose for a while now and just planning it out ha brought that feeling right back to me i feel butterfly in my stomach and my heart racing and i know if i were to grab my med crush them up and went to take them i wouldn t be able to fight this terror i ve been told before that that just mean that somewhere deep inside you you want to live but i disagree this feel like basic primal instinct it s so hard to just say do x and then all of your perception will end that s not something you can just do yet people have i want to do this but i don t know how to prepare for this terror i remember when i backed out of my second attempt i kept on saying to myself nothing can prepare you for that i can plan and prepare all i want but taking an action that self destructive is incredibly difficult especially when you have a realistic fear of not dying and being left severely injured i m terrified and i don t know what to do anymore it seems like the best option but it s so cruel that it just ha to be so difficult dying shouldn t be too much to ask for yet absolutely everything fight against you i hate this so incredibly much this is hell", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 261, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0439", "text": "i want to get help so bad i don t want to keep with the if all else fails i can always end my l fe mindset i m just scared because even if i do seek out treatment and for once i find a therapist psychiatrist who actually work for me i m not sure it s going the solve enough to make me want to keep fighting for this life there are so many issue right now so many thing i ve fucked up considerably even if i get to a place mentally where i feel like i can tackle them there s no guaranteeing i can actual change my situation i just wish i didn t have to wake up and continue to make my life worse i m a pathetic person i disgust and humiliate myself i m not meant to be in this world i m not meant to succeed in it im not meant to be anything or anyone other than this miserable lazy poor excuse for a law student i hate the person who look back at me in the mirror more than anything i just wish id never had to know myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 202, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0440", "text": "i want to die i don t know if i want to kill myself but i honestly don t really care i just want to die and not be conscious and not be an i and have no ability to experience anything or remember anything or think about anything i don t care if it will get better i don t care if i ll be happy one minute later i don t care that i m irrational right now and i m thinking something that a level headed version of me would obviously be above i hate being conscious i can t sleep because i hate waking up i can t make myself faint because i hate waking up i can t escape to other story or music or feeling or stimulation because i hate waking up i just want to die and die and die and die and die and stay dead forever i don t want to do this anymore i don t want to identify a an i i don t want to be an agent i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to stop living i want to die i m stupid and bad and spiteful and upset and i want to die i don t want help i don t want to be happy i don t want to want to not die i want to die", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 241, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0441", "text": "i m year old and i ve been depressed since sophomore in high school during those year i ve tried my best to keeping myself together not showing my true emotion try to make friend make people laugh etc and of course i still go through battle within myself but i ve been the victor so far recently it s been incredibly difficult i ve been contemplating suicide more often than usual now i am not saying that i m going to go through with it because it would absolutely destroy my family especially my mom they love me and i m lucky to have friend that care about me a well however i can t help but notice that my life is a complete and utter joke i ve made no accomplishment really nothing of value that i ve made a a year old person and it s getting to me i m not an intelligent person i have no ambition i have no drive and i have no goal in life compared myself to everyone else i m a loser i m a loser and i know it for a fact and i feel like my friend and family even my peer at work know it a well i m a joke now it ha been a struggle to keep my emotion and thought under control people start to notice a change in my demeanor when i talk to them noticing how i m not acting a my usual self my true emotion is starting to show itself and unending thought of suicide ha gone rampant i believe i am losing myself day by day and i m trying my damnedest to keep up appearance and not letting people worry about me of course i can t afford to go to therapy session or get my hand on prescribed medication so i m only left with limited resource hell i just got denied health insurance without a clue a to why honestly i m not sure what i m expecting by posting here i just appreciate anyone that took the time of their day to read my run of the mill sob story and perhaps giving their two cent thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 375, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0442", "text": "i really need a place to vent right now so i kinda moved out for university i wa here for october and november then my school closed due to corona so i wa at home and school started one week ago i still have the opportunity to go home every weekend it a little pricey but still affordable for me so i am home every weekend and during the week i have my own apartment that i really really like but my mental health is so bad here i really dont understand why because im really not far away from my home town i have friend here and a really cute apartment and im so grateful that i can study and live here but i feel so fucking bad my anxiety is so bad i really cant do anything but worry all the time and i dont even know why i am worring it make it really hard for me to eat because i have a lot of problem with eating when im really anxious which make me just more anxious also i feel kinda bad because i am nineteen and so many people in my age can handle living alone so well i know that i shouldnt compare myself with others but i do i cant imagine living b my own at any age but i know that someday i have to and that i cant live with my mom forever idk if someone feel the same but i still feel like a kid most of the time im not ready for being an adult i really cant explain it to myself because i wa a really independent child and it wa always important for me being independent i never had problem with not being home for week but now i cant even be alone for day i know that in this community there are people who are a little older than me and have a little more experience did somebody felt the same way a i do now with moving out and doe it get better", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 353, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0443", "text": "i m year old and i wish i wa born into a traditional family like the american family we see in movie a close knit and loving family not necessarily rich but with enough money to have a comfortable life travel with family on vacation christmas eve dinner etc but i wa born in a third world country where there is not much possibility of being rich and people are not a educated and refined a in first world country nor is there a high human development index my family is disunited there is no affection between u and we barely have enough money to survive but the biggest dream of my life is to one day have a family like the one i mentioned before united loving rich and happy i really want to have at least one daughter and a wife and on vacation we travel together to fascinating place go on a safari in south africa see lion elephant giraffe up close climb the andes mountain range embark on a transatlantic cruise in short many adventure and family memory also for this purpose i m already studying several language through apps but given my current situation all this seems to me to be nothing more than an impossible dream it s a if i look in the mirror and see that my true image is completely different from how i would like it to be it s like a beggar in rag looking at a rich man in a suit and envying his life i m studying software engineering at college and it give me a little hope that maybe i ll get a good job move to a better place maybe a first world country take my family with me and there i can make my dream come true but speaking like that it seems like i m dreaming too high it seems that this life i dream of having is not for me and i should just to accept my third world life is it possible for me to have the life i want or should i confirm myself with a mediocre and unhappy life i m not to give up on my life anyway i ve dealt with severe depression and existential crisis before", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 388, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0444", "text": "this lady is responsible for my first experience being choked at broke an ankle getting tossed out of the back door in my underwear at 9 because i called my mom a demon i knew it at nine she s a fucking beast who fed me to her partner who is a beast and a fucking pedo now she s on this faux spiritual journey which includes putting loving herself first like after year of breaking mirror with your fist when i wa and shoving me down stair and ripping out my hair and beating me until my ankle broke trying to run free is all in the past and now i m so i have to move on with no closure and you expect me to just be goofy and smile and that s my new purpose she birthed me to be a freaking body bag and she discarded me too it s just so surreal to realize that you were born with the purpose to love and follow the one who had a kid because she needed a friend now she doesn t need me and now i feel like i also have no purpose maybe i never did in the first place i wa the girl that took the abuse silently and now my role is done but what do i do with myself now then why am i here if no one need me anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 243, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0445", "text": "december of 0 i wa hurting pretty bad anxiety through the roof anger issue depression then more anxiety here month later i m not at all the same person i m not getting the panic wave going to a store or meeting new people i m not fearful of conversation a much lol and i ve even been planning a trip or two with the family since jan st i ve lost pound in a healthy way 0lbs to 9 i ve changed my diet been excersizing been talking to other people who are trying to lose weight get healthier it s changed everything i m fitting into jean i put in storage year ago i have work shirt that i ve literally never fit in that are my favorite to wear now i m due for a check up with my doc and i m going to talk about reducing my anti anxiety med and my blood pressure med and that feel amazing and sure i ve had a set back or two some day i eat better than others but that s ok ive had cake kolaches and starbucks at time i didnt have to cut out all the food i craved just control my portion which happens a little at a time and make some substitution that i can t even tell anymore i know this shoe won t fit everyone s foot but making these change ha changed everything for me get out get healthier be more active be engaged most importantly trying is more than enough just being able to look back to when i wasn t even trying and i thought that wa just how life wa going to be is a huge mood booster maybe it d work for you too p i am in a paid program i signed up for i don t want to solicit anything so i m not sharing the info of that program in this post also in some therapy but personally the weight loss ha made more of a difference to me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 356, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0446", "text": "i m i ve been depressed since i wa maybe about 0 year old and i wa diagnosed in 0 0 clinical depression i struggle with substance abuse alcohol and weed and that combined with depression is what caused me to quit my job now all i do is cry and get stoned cry while being stoned sometimes and lay in bed on tiktok i m unhappy in my relationship but i m afraid of losing the best thing i ve ever had i m so unhappy with existence and i m fucking sick of being told to tough it out life isn t easy i don t care if i m not going to be born into a decent world i don t want to fucking participate it s selfish to force me to stay when i contribute nothing to society i have no goal or passion anymore my clinic psychiatrist hasn t reached out to me i quit taking my prozac because it stopped working and one specific event triggered my current depression episode regarding my family and boyfriend i m miserable is anyone else miserable", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0447", "text": "is anyone there maybe someone just up to talk i haven t had a hug since i wa a kid do anyone care about me lately my medication is weak or not working i just had cocaine and more medication i dont care too much anymore anyone up for a chat or something or not probably let hope the big nothing is better will it be good enough to od edit cool so did sme reading itll probably suffice sorry y all this will be it let hope probably here for a bit more until i sign off amp x 00b edit cheer i canceled my plan with my friend tomorrow based on some thread like http www reddit com r ama comment oa pdz i overdosed on antipsychotic yesterday ama http www reddit com r ama comment oa pdz i overdosed on antipsychotic yesterday ama http www reddit com r youshouldknow comment emqvvk ysk overdosing on antidepressant is not easy or http www reddit com r youshouldknow comment emqvvk ysk overdosing on antidepressant is not easy or or others all i need is a good day and not be found maybe i wake up later for some last word if this is it please enjoy with me frans listz little bell a k a la campanella", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0448", "text": "i wa married for year to a man with extreme anxiety he wa my first boyfriend and husband and i had been with him since i wa a teenager so i didn t know any different i m 0 now we divorced because of his many mental issue he wouldn t get help for his depression and anxiety wa contagious and killed our marriage his parent are also extremely anxious i had always been very anxious since we had been together and i just thought that s how i wa and i couldn t change it but since we ve been separated for a while now my anxiety ha stopped not completely but most of it is gone when you re with someone who you trust and love deeply and they make trivial thing into a huge deal it mess with your perception on how to feel and react unbeknownst to me i wa depending on him to determine how i should feel i know i shouldn t have but i did because i wa young and in love and didn t know any better now that i depend on myself since i have no other choice i ve acclimated very well to handling life and situation when we would do thing together or have an issue that needed to be fixed his anxiety would make thing seem ten time worse than what they really were it s not his fault i still love him unfortunately and i m not sure i ll ever get over him but we weren t good for each other in the long haul he s such a wonderful person aside from his mental issue the world is a lot more clear now i know how to determine what is a real problem and how to handle it without the elevated emotion that come with it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 317, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0449", "text": "my mood change fast and i don t think i am bipolar a it s usually a reason why my mood change and it can all change in a day like i m in a good mood and then like couple hour past and i just get negative thought and i m down again like i already lost people this year my ex best friend who used to be my best friend like year ago and losing him a a friend this year didn t really hurt a it wa my decision to cut him out of my life he wa a real bad narcissist and probably a sociopath so cutting him out felt good the one thing that hurt is losing my sister a we used to be so close but recently she became a lot more social and ha a lot of friend and she doesn t even want to speak to me or spend time with me anymore even though i m the older sibling i m and she s 0 it s just scary how easy people can just leave your life and even though i have a best friend that is good to me and i am talking to a girl but i m just worried it will end a i m just bad with my emotion probably because of my anxiety i m really not sure how i can get better like sometimes i feel great it feel like euphoric even like i m more hyper talkative and confident but it never last long and then i m just back to my usual mood just being sad depressed and anxious i know somethings wrong with me probably i tried cbt therapy for anxiety and depression but it didn t really help me i m on an antidepressant a well which ha never worked on me i just take it a it make me sleep i hate living like this i just want to smoke weed and get drunk so that i can stop all the negative thought and i hate it it feel like my life is a mess it s so much effort to get out of my bed and i just hate my life like wtf sometimes i feel like going to thailand and becoming spiritual or something", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 398, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0450", "text": "idk if it wa selective mutism or not i never got a diagnosis wasn t even suggested to get tested for it partially bc i don t think people understood how serious and debilitating it wa but i used to have severe anxiety around certain people mainly teacher or subject talking about myself or asking for help were big one for me to the point where i literally couldn t speak like people don t really seem to get it when i say this because it s one thing being shy or nervous to speak for me i know how that feel like if i m just nervous i just feel very uncomfortable this wasn t that when talking about certain subject or talking to certain people i would have this very uncomfortable and sometimes very painful physical symptom where i don t know how else to describe it other than it felt like someone wa stepping on my throat like my throat wa closed shut tight i found it hard to breathe not in a hyperventilating kind of way more like in a i m choking right now please help me way i would start hyperventilating if i wa forced to speak for whatever reason trying to force myself to speak would make me lose air lightheaded and i would start breathing hard trying to take in more air since i wa literally choking on nothing basically or worse i d quickly break into an anxiety attack and start cry if i kept trying to force the problem even harder to breathe i felt faint close to passing out so many time then it wa not even funny i m not looking for a diagnosis i wa just wondering if anyone can relate idk", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 309, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0451", "text": "hello i ve been dealing with depression for what seems an eternity i went through a pretty bad episode back in 0 9 and it lasted all the way till half of 0 i made some lifestyle change and it worked at first but then my routine turned into a chore and i stopped doing it le and le i m at a point now where i feel exhausted but i want so bad to continue being productive and i just can t i feel like i m just lazy or that i m using my mental health a an excuse but i m so tired some day i m still and my mom prohibits the use of antidepressant or any medication that help with chemical imbalance in the brain i tried therapy but i feel i could benefit more from taking medication it s a constant battle in my head one side tell me to rest the other say that i can t let myself go down bad again ive missed a lot of school because of this but because of covid most of my work is in a laptop so i m missing day but i still maintain good grade i tried talking to my counselor and she said that she agreed that i needed further mental help but because i m a minor and my mom there s not much we can do i need help i don t know what to do anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 251, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0452", "text": "so i haven t had a job in a year and today i finally had a phone interview for a work at home position that involved customer service since i have over five year of experience in that realm i thought i wa going to do well like i wa feeling really confident and thought i wa going to slam dunk the interview i watched so many interview video article wrote down interview question and my answer and practiced multiple time in the mirror and recorded myself over and over again i felt so good about myself but when the interview started and he started to ask me question i panicked because they were nothing like the one i thought they would be for the position i could barely get my thought together and form sentence i hung up and he called back and i lied and said the call dropped and then he went onto the next and i just couldn t do it i hung up again and broke down into tear and started to shake lmao at this point i feel like i m stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety i want to get a job again i want to get back into school but this anxiety shit ha me in a chokehold and it s making so sad idk what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 231, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0453", "text": "i m m on a super low dose of buspar all thing considered i think i like it i ve been on it since mid december and break a mg tablet in half and take that x a day so basically mg a day overall it feel pretty good for me minimal side effect other than i can t drink on it alcohol isn t a huge part of my life but i ve always enjoyed meeting friend or coworkers at a bar for or beer for a couple hour once a week that amount is enough for me to get a little buzz have a more lively conversation but also still wake up without a hangover now with buspar after drink i get drunk but not in a good way in like a very confused dumb clumsy and sleepy kind of way i ve basically just cut alcohol out of my life which doe have some benefit i don t spend a much money i don t eat late night fast food no more groggy hangover no staying out late no beer belly but on the other hand i ve basically become a social recluse part of the reason i started taking buspar wa because of my social anxiety and in day to day life such a work and parenting and just going about my day a normal i feel like it s improved but so much of going out in the evening with friend or coworkers or new friend or new coworkers involves drink and a that s no longer an option i ve just kinda found myself le and le interested in going out with people who i know are going to have a night out of drinking not entirely sure how to proceed", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 305, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0454", "text": "trigger warning racism do you know these situation where you react insecure and passive although you feel extremely uncomfortable year ago i wa out with a group of people one wa a friend of mine and a few of them were more or le acquaintance so there wa this guy who got drunk and he started making black joke i am mixed race half german and half afro american he became really offensive and insulting he said stuff like oh i m going to say it in your language and then he did those click sound which are common in african khoisan language he wa trying to act like oh i m just joking don t take me serious but he wouldn t stop i felt so uncomfortable and i wa really angry but i wa also insecure i wa giggling nervously and just wanted to change the topic but he kept making stupid joke about me in the end i paid my drink and went home but i acted like everything wa fine it s been year and i can t stop thinking about it i keep overthinking of how i should have reacted and i feel so ashamed of myself whenever i remember this situation tbh what disappointed me the most wa that nobody really said anything someone at the table just said oh just ignore him he s an idiot and they laughed a few day later someone told me that everyone felt really uncomfortable yet no one said anything i feel like it s difficult for me to let this go and it took me a almost year to realize how bad this situation actually wa maybe someone can relate or made a similar experience", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 295, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0455", "text": "this thread it s i don t know what i d do without it i m rarely ever on reddit and when i am i m on it for this i m on it because i m so overwhelmed by by everything and i m too scared or ashamed or or just so fucking tired to go to family friend my fucking partner to walk them through what i m feeling and how how it s not how it s not how it is how it is there s no reason it just happens it just happens it just happens and here r depression here here i feel safe and whenever i have a breakdown i come here to rant to feel to collect my thought even if no one read even if people do it s here i go to rant anonymously often drunk on alcohol sometimes but often drunk on emotion here is where i feel safe where i can be not who i am irl but an anonymous eddingsaurus rex amp x 00b it s okay had a bad day hand are bruised from breaking rock all day amp x 00b fuck depression fuck this fuck this feeling i hate myself i hate this i hate this so much i can t and it s working hour for fuck sake it s working hour i m supposed to be prodcitive ficmk this kyuck this shit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0456", "text": "i feel like my body is just a piece of meat i m forced to watch destroy itself it s like there is beeings inside it me and an animal that doe and interacts dumb and not a it should and i can t change that a i am not the one doing all of this bad thing but the other beeing here is some context so you don t think im a serial killer im i m in my last year of highschool and i got big final exam that will decide if i go to college or not or a my dad say if i get to live a nice life and have a good job or be unemployed and a shadow that cover the earth with no meaning or purpouse my mom is the one that understands me better and try to help me and belief i will make it in life she even decides to lie for me regarding some bad grade so my dad doesn t get pissed off i am doing extremely bad in school math is my kryptonite when i say i do extremely bad in school what i mean is i can t get myself to study i have some decent grade but not anything crazy let say im doing okay besides math oh boy at math i have a strict teacher that look like jabba from star war im a hypocrite also everytime i get a math test i feel like i did okay only to see my grade and be disappointed in myself i really don t like studying right now im doing this to avoid doing my homework i i feel like i am watching myself ruin my life and i can t do anything i feel like i m watching myself act like i shouldn t there s no worse feeling than knowing you are wrong but can t change yourself i just want to get my exam and make my parent proud i don t want to make my mom sad anymore but my other side would do anything but what it should im honestly soo dumb i wish i could get myself to do this every second of my existence i think about my exam how am i going to fail them and how i can t change this this is beyond pathetic some people have serious issue yet im making all of this bullshit in my brain im just soo stressed everytime i wish i could just get a seizure and end this im sorry i don t even know what help should i ask for even if i get any advice i can t guarantee ill take them my brain is on another level of fuckery i ll end this rant in a positive note i hope i m doing my homework and i understand it while you are reading this i really hope i make it past this month after im done with my final", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 512, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0457", "text": "hello i am i had been very reluctant to admit i wa depressed but it s very hard to hide at this point plus who am i kidding apparently it written over my face for people who have known me for a while it really hurt me when people ask how are you i can not tell if they are just being cordial or they truly care i assume the former for them and respond i am good okay but every time i say i am good i feel slightly sadder because i know that is not the case i want to speak about this to friend but i do not really feel close to any friend anymore i moved country so this could be a contributing factor so here i am on reddit i have attended university twice now and already going to have a delay on this degree which mean another year of my life wasted to chasing a degree 9 i have been very disconnected from friend over the last two year and have felt like i am in a prison because i have mostly spoken extensively to just two people over last two year maybe this is because i am extroverted i do not recognise myself anymore i used to be so positive and strong mentally but a lot of negative thinking and bad thought have engulfed me for a while now i used to be very funny and enjoyed joking around but thats vanished these day i used to be very athletic and worked very hard to get lean after antipsychotic made me gain weight but now i am starting to put some weight back on because i have been using unhealthy food to cope these day my mind is flooded with so much negative thought pattern it s becoming too exhausting and i can barely study despite my best effort and knowing final are next week mostly quit social medium especially instagram because all it make me do is compare myself to others and reminds me of how unaccomplished i feel and the older i get the more i start to fear that i might actually go nowhere and how it might be better to die young and full of potential than a wasted life will i get back to how i once wa before my mental health went to shit is there a way out for good i have tried therapy but didn t work my last therapist told me she doesn t know why i am depressed because i am very good looking smart likeable and said to cheer up like it wa that simple", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 456, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0458", "text": "the absolute gal of some fucking people i don t know about the rest of you but i post in r suicide and this page to cope with my negative feeling and emotion it ha helped me a lot this past year and it ha helped me be more open about it in general it s good to read other people s experience and know you are not alone and then this person decided to ask to speak with me and then go on to invalidate and minimize my feeling because surprise they have a fucking saviour complex these space are meant for u to express what we can t normally say to the rest of the world and there s nothing wrong with that we are allowed to experience sadness suicidal ideation loneliness if that make you uncomfortable that in you motherfucker don t sit there and tell me you want to help me and hear me but start the conversation off by saying everyone ha stress your only there s option how dare you invalidate my experience because you don t want me to be sad bitch i have a fucking therapist for a reason i come to this platform to here thing like me too or i feel the same way or your not alone not uhh don t be sad cuz i don t like that holy shit doe anyone else relate to this how people just won t let you be sad cuz it make them uncomfortable if your uncomfortable imagine how i feel imma be sad today motherfucker", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 272, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0459", "text": "i m ready to end all but i don t have the courage to do it i ve thought of different way when and where i would do it but i m scared i m a f and life isn t going well my career isn t going a planned in a few week i ll be out of a job i wa terrible at this job and had no choice but to leave i have another offer and interviewing for another place but i m scared it won t work out and i m ashamed that i have to find another job i m struggling financially and i m too scared to tell anyone i don t know how i m going to keep going i m extremely depressed and want this to end i don t know where i m heading in life what is good for me and how to keep going my life goal wa to be successful settle down and have child but i don t see that happening if i stay i see myself being unhappy in corporate america my thought are all over the place right now but i have no one to talk to i m not living the american dream i m living someone else s dream this make me think that the world would be a better place without me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 230, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0460", "text": "i wa on lexapro 0mg for over a year and it worked amazingly and went off of it with my doctor s approval i had brain zap and dizziness for like week and then got hit by a truck with physical anxiety symptom i wa off for week total some symptom were the same a why i started it in the first place like head pressure racing heart and a lot of trouble sleeping i wa a wreck before lexapro with constant panic attack and physical anxiety but i got new symptom of forehead and face numbness with tingling and burning sensation which i haven t had before i ve been back on lexapro for and half week and the symptom that are driving me crazy are the face numbness and tingling it s been ongoing for week i spoke to my doctor and am seeing a neurologist i m scared this is a rebound withdrawal affect of stopping lexapro and that it s never going to go away i hope it s just anxiety i can t focus on anything feeling like i have this constant burning and numbness i m seriously freaking out and i hope it go away", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 215, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0461", "text": "first vent that is not related to the second one i ain t transgender i m fucking delusional he always find a way to make me feel like fucking shit i fucking hate him i thought of him like a father and now he just fucking betrays my soul he call me selfish for wanting him to see me a a boy he only give a fuck about himself he humiliates other kid and get a fucking kick out of it and i m sick of his shit sometimes i wish he understood how much i fucking suffered im having a whole fucking insane as fake as probably episode over a goddamn teacher god fucking dammit everyone tell me to just stop having such strong bond with a teacher but i can t fucking control it i can t i don t mean that in a creepy way i just genuinely want his approval so bad that it ha made me go over the fucking rail i want him to just approve me i want him to so fucking bad i insult him yet i love him like a father figure why fucking why separate vent made at the same time and just to get off that stupid as note for a minute i wish to fucking kill myself in a way where my face ain t recognizable my breast are cut the fuck off and the part at the bottom is fucking burned off to a crisp it s almost what i fucking fantasize about at this point maybe then the red neck degenerate won t try to dig me up and fuck me or some stupid as shit like that oh i ll know they will find my female abomination but at least i ll give them the nightmare to look at when i m fucking gone sexy sexy sexy that s what she called it oh how she wanted my body to be hers sick fuck i m gon na be sick just like her i fucking know it i m just an attention seeker bitch or just insane i can t tell at this point fucking bitch", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 370, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0462", "text": "tldr here are my question ha anyone had depression symptom improve after they broke up with a long term partner who wa not right for them were you able to see in retrospect how the bad relationship wa intensifying your mental health problem how did you make the decision to break up my current depressive episode ha been going strong since mid 0 0 with almost no letup i m in therapy for childhood trauma for the first time therapist say i have cptsd i can feel my deep self hatred beginning to heal which is something i didn t think wa possible it s awesome but my depression symptom are getting worse no motivation feeling of complete emptiness gnawing sadness my work in therapy ha also illuminated aspect of my year romantic relationship which mirror the emotional abuse i suffered a a child i have been a candid a possible with this about my partner they have been genuinely remorseful and we are working on shifting our dynamic in couple therapy i am pleased to see change in the way they treat me but i don t feel any le pissed off about waking up alive everyday it s really difficult to parse out how much of this current depressive episode is coming from my brain chemistry and how much is coming from the fact that i m living with someone who betrayed my sense of emotional safety i m trying to forgive my partner because i truly love them with all of my heart and want to give our relationship a fair chance to improve but i am struggling to forgive them for the borderline emotional abuse that happened", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 292, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0463", "text": "please help me i don t want to kill myself but the world ha nothing to offer me nothing that s making me want to keep going i m terrified of death but i don t know if that s reason enough to keep going if i m going to die anyway maybe i should speed up the process already save the world the trouble because the world clearly doesn t want me i m not even a real girl i m ugly and i m not good enough at anything everybody else is so much better than me people would rather be with each other instead of me i m so forgettable but i don t want to be death is permanent isolation permanent darkness permanent loneliness and that s not what i want but i don t think me being alive is what the world want i feel like i m always the last person anybody would ever want to see at any given moment i don t want it to be that way but everybody else doe i ve tried so hard to find reason to keep going they never work they never last people leave me behind everything stop being fun people stop playing with me i m excluded from everything i m not good enough to make it in this world everything about me is wrong nothing i do is good enough i want to keep going but i have no reason to do so nobody is waiting for me nobody is coming to rescue me i have nothing why should i keep going if i m going to die anyways i m begging you for an answer because i have none", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 288, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0464", "text": "so i m sure all of you who live with anxiety do have your good day like the bad crippling anxiety come in wave which it doe for me when it s bad my anxiety is looking for any reason to latch it s self onto and make me believe that whatever the reason is that s what make me feel like shit when i have my good day and that thought or issue come to mind i m unfazed it s really fuckn annoying and i feel like it could make me make decision that i will for sure regret why is the brain so damn powerful and why do i have to live with this year of always feeling like shit it ha ruined my quality of life i am very grateful for my family and friend and i am grateful that i ve always had a good life but man i think of all the family trip event party anything fun ruined by my anxiety and sickness that come with it i feel for everyone that ha to go through this i m sorry guy and i hope one day we can be truly happy", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 200, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0465", "text": "i ve had depression since i wa it come and it go but it came back around 0 and never really left just gradually got worse i dont enjoy anything anymore i dont look forward to anything i just wait for the day to end knowing there another one anyway all my day bleed together at this point insomnia doesnt help to where everything just feel like a long long loop my girlfriend of 9 year left me recently it got to be too much for her i wa trying but i guess not enough i only have a handful of friend but theyre either all going through something or dont quite understand how i put what im feeling into word so i dont feel like i can really talk to anyone i use talkspace but even that feel hollow no goal no aspiration i work in a job where there really no advancement im barely able to keep myself standing financially overall i just feel like a loser im i dont connect with people i feel like im just going to be alone forever the last few month pre and post break up i find myself sitting in my car alone in an empty parking lot till early morning talking to myself hoping that something will help but im just talking into an empty void im agnostic i want so badly to believe that there something somewhere that hears me but i know thats just not realistic i ve contemplated suicide several time but im to weak to go through with it too scared i ll screw it up or worse disappointing my family i really dont know what to do it like im just sleepwalking through life i find my moment to distract me whether it going to the gym or focusing on my other venture but at the end of the day it all just come back to this i had everything and i pissed it away like i always do i dont see my value", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 345, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0466", "text": "i am struggling with depression for about a year now it make me do thing i don t want to do i ve lost a good friend that i ve known over year because my mind told me to hate him i started calling him name and told him that i want this friendship to end i apologized so many time explained everything and tried to stay in contact but now we just go our way my best friend know about my depression and always support me but today they started arguing with me i think they are getting sick of me my mind tell me to hate them too but i luckily can t bring myself to cut them off my body is very often freezing i m sometimes even heavily shaking because of this idk why is this related to my depression my suicidal thought are getting worse i don t really want to die but i don t want to live either wait no i do want to die but i am too afraid of failing an attempt and having to live with the injury i might get doe anyone else have these problem doe anyone know how to deal with this also doe anyone wan na talk i feel lonely and i don t want to bother my friend", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0467", "text": "while i wait for my school counselor to give me an update on the whole online school therapy thing i wa convinced to check out a confidential free and text based crisis hotline it s apparently designed for teen like me who have noone in their life that they could talk to now for me personally my experience wa subpar i don t want to disrespect the volunteer work there but after the successful attempt one in the morning and one just hour earlier i felt like i wa just a number on a waiting list the system constantly kicked me out of the conversation and the one time i actually had a decent conversation it felt like they were trying to cast me aside a quick a possible a soon a i mentioned that music help me organize my thought at time they told me to just listen to music and the conversation closed immediately after maybe i m stupid or maybe it s just my anxiety and paranoia but they seemed annoyed i guess it would help to say what i wa expecting i wa thinking it would be a deep dive into why i feel the way i do but it wa more just a short session of giving me a metaphorical ice pack and sending me home with an old stale lollipop if i didn t feel worthless enough already then well a for the nd successful attempt it wa even shorter they asked me how i wa feeling they asked a question to confirm what i said i answered and then the very next message wa telling me that i must ve stepped away and that the conversation had been closed the automated reply also hit me with a stinger saying you matter it doesn t feel like it it doesn t help that i had to reply stop over and over because i kept getting auto reply from the bot needle to say i have le faith that online school therapy will even put a dent in how i feel tldr seeking help a many advise when situation like these crop up hasn t worked this time around and my already weak ability to see a good future for myself ha withered away a bit more", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 389, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0468", "text": "i ve essentially given up given up a much a i m allowing myself to sometimes i don t eat for day and then when i do eat it s sporadic and unhealthy i ve stopped exercising i never really took care of the eczema on my skin i just use a an excuse to self harm do a lot of addictive thing a well nothing too insane it s mostly just to numb my feeling i haven t left my apartment imsince january rd since there s a convenience store and laundry room here i have unhealthy fantasy about a life that doesn t exist because i can t seem to enjoy mine at all i don t believe in myself and it keep me from doing hardly anything at all other than what it take to survive i ve never really succeeded in life and have always just been a bit of a joke despite wanting to do thing i wa always discouraged by others or mostly my own lack of ability motivation i don t think therapy would work for someone like me you have to want therapy and actively do it i actively work against myself because i think it only a matter of time before people just give up on me that or i push everyone away first i make mock gun motion out of reflex and i ve never owned a gun i have the simple thought of death most day my roommate nearly caught me the other night looking over our balcony i just don t get it i have no direction and it seems like most activity eventually just upset me i either stay stagnant the way i am and achieve nothing but stay safe and comfortable while also going insane from a lack of fulfillment or i try to bear being upset and uncomfortable through a bunch of random thing throughout my life probably ending up something that isn t really worth it for the struggle they both sound awful and i get it life isn t fair maybe i don t want to participate when thing aren t fair", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 364, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0469", "text": "i have an awful living situation thanks to college where i live in one half of the country for part of the year and then i move back across the whole fucking country for the next fucking awful i don t have any friend i don t have any passion everything i do is well i can t do this now because i ll be cutting it short by leaving in the summer and i m running out of time to do anything meet people get a job get a fucking treatment i tried doing therapy and i scheduled one week late because there s no fucking spot available and that s one le therapy thing i can go to because i only have two or three month left before i have to drop everything and leave again i don t know why i did this i wish i wasn t here life s just a dead fucking end and i m going to be doing this forever i ve missed out on so much and it just never get better i thought thing would get better by doing this but i wa fucking stupid a hell i m going to be permanently stuck like this because i haven t done shit with my life so far and i m never going to recover from year of just nothing nothing nothing no milestone no friendship i barely know how to function i barely know how to talk to people i can t even hide behind covid a an excuse because this is just what i ve been doing my whole life it s a waste of fucking time nothing", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 279, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0470", "text": "i m had a suicide attempt around month ago and am struggling to move on after it i tried to overdose on my antidepressant i wa in the hospital for day on the psych floor until i got released since then i moved across the country and am living back at my parent s house in my childhood bedroom i applied for medical disability from my h teaching job am currently in therapy twice a week and thinking of outpatient program my antidepressant were increased along with adding a mood stabilizer all my life i ve never taken medicine and now i am on pill each day i am back at home and have no friend here i use no other social medium other than reddit due to my social anxiety i just adopted a cat for company but he hide from me all day i just feel so stuck and alone i ve been depressed for so long and am not sure how to move on i feel like i have regressed so much everything that i feared for my life when i wa young ha come true i am with no partner gay no job and no close friend my self esteem is shot and last night i cried for an hour when my dad sat beside my bed some day i feel ok but most day at some point i feel hopeless again honestly i don t know what to do with myself each day all my interest are gone and it is hard to just get out of bed anyone who ha been through this how do you move on i still feel i haven t completely processed the attempt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 288, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0471", "text": "hi i wa wondering if anyone ha small kid with anxiety i have a seven year old that ha been coming to me the past couple day saying he feel like he can t breath and sometimes is on the verge of hyperventilation he is a very emotional child and always ha been looking back he may have always had anxiety but it s turning to physical symptom while this is happening i validate what he is feeling remind him i m there for him and we do boxed breathing his lung are clear oxygen level normal no wheezing no pain when experiencing this i have struggled with anxiety and feeling of shortness of breath too i wa wondering if anyone ha gone through this with their child and what are some resource i m calling the doctor tomorrow for an appointment a most of you know living with uncontrolled anxiety can truly feel like a nightmare and is the last thing i want for any of my child any advice would help thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0472", "text": "i shouldn t post here or anywhere else but i have nothing else so firstly i want to apologize i m sorry that you have to read this first off because it s all nonsense and also because it may be stupid or weird since english isn t my first language i have nothing no family no friend no job i m stuck in my apartment because i m a coward psychiatrist tell me i have agoraphobia but i don t think it s true i m just a waste of time space and money there s no need for me to still be here i ve tried multiple time to end it all when my family were still here i got caught and sent to psychiatric ward and now it s a neighbor who knew my dad he keep coming again and again to see if i m ok i m wasting his time a well like i waste your time writing this i don t even know why i need to do this it s not like i want any help nor i need any help maybe i just want to leave something somewhere testify about loneliness and mental illness i m already shameful just thinking about somebody will see this and witness how i m such a stupid human being just complaining about nothing playing the victim although i m not long time ago i thought i wa a victim tho my dad did thing to me people at school bullied me i wa thinking like that my mindset wa fxcked up now that i ve rethink about it all i see is the problem wa and still is me i can t blame others over what i did i don t wish this to my worst enemy this void that keep devoting me taking more and more space making me disappear slowly again i m sorry about all that and thanks to this sub if that post is not removed if you re in this state i hope you ll get better soon i don t know you but you re worth it don t let anybody tell you otherwise and never give up on thing you like or that make you feel good", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 384, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0473", "text": "i really just need advice right now it s current am where i live and i ve yet to sleep i suffer from emetophobia the fear of throwing up if anyone need context my anxiety usually at night come forth it always wake me up but i wake up with panic attack because i feel nauseous similarly like tonight i m losing sleep because i feel nauseous despite me being so exhausted i m scared to sleep my stomach doesn t roll if i try to drink or eat something it doesn t go away i m on med too i just want some advice i m tired of losing sleep and worrying people because of physical anxiety and a phobia for more context i could eat a spoonful of something and it didn t make my stomach roll at all it sat fine there yet i feel nauseous and have slight pain right now it feel a if i m hungry but my anxiety is making me avoid that i don t know what to do i m very afraid right now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 190, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0474", "text": "i know my mind think thing that make no sense and sometimes i just sit there and watch myself experience these thought and then i fall into a weird psychosis i keep having irrational fear of death and it trigger me on a daily basis i get scared to fall asleep because i think my dad is going to murder me i sit in the car and get a random thought about getting hit and dying i watch the news and get scared about another war starting that lead to dying the anxiety that i have about dying before i am able to get old ruin my willingness to actually enjoy my life i think the past couple of year since covid ha exposed me to a lot of unexpected and very triggering event in my life and for this reason i m scared to relax when thing are going good i worry about enjoying peace in my life because something bad might happen so much of this worrying make me sleep a lot it make me frustrated about myself it take away the motivation and lust i used to have for life i am too familiar with a rising heartbeat every thirty minute or the feeling of dread after doing the most mundane thing sometimes i walk around in my everyday life and just feel like i m in a developing video game and i m just waiting for the program to start i m scared all of the time of what the next thing that s going to happen to me come i wish i could be a normal person i remember when my anxiety used to just revolve around small stuff like my appearance now i don t even care about what i look like it s like i don t even recognize who i am anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 311, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0475", "text": "not sure if this is the right sub to post but wasn t sure where to go really i wouldn t say that i feel anxious but i m what people call a worry wart if there s something i can worry about even if it s maybe very small i will still worry about it i m worried about multiple thing currently my dog leg that s hurting a pain i have in my lower jaw finding a new job etc i will have thought about these sort of thing and on the surface they don t seem like much but then i start to think about them more and more and i start to worry even more until i start getting scared of panicking sometimes like i have had this pain in my jaw for a few day now i m assuming it s because i haven t worn my retainer for the full time i m supposed to the past few night my mind think that but i also start worrying it might be another cavity and i ll have to go to the dentist which is the worst thing for me but then i think hang on i ve gone to them for similar stuff like this before and it wasn t a cavity but what if it is this time you see the problem i m having even though i ll try and think about it logically my brain always make up some sort of way to worry about stuff that might not even need that much thought this is half a rant and half me looking for advice i worry so much in my life and i hate it i know i won t stop worrying but can anyone give me some advice to maybe worry le", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 305, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0476", "text": "like i the people i know would get very sad if i commited suicide they maybe wouldent what the fuck am i talking about i wa well i wa feeling good just a few day ago but like it wa painfull it wa better to just krep thinking negatively but that hurt too and i font know what i might do in the future i dont like it i font want anything the peeople in my class are just they feel like they are just stupid baby that somehow wa getting educated in my school i hate every one of them my mind is a mess i just want to talk about stuff i dont know what to do my plan to escape depression hasnt worked either i dont have any idea to what to do i dont whant to return to my old state of mind it is horrifiying but at the same time comfortable i wa realy desparate i batteked against deppresion with my weird thinking style and plan but i cant do it any more i dont ser amy bright future ahed of me i want to help people with deppresion but i cant even help my self i dont know if i want to die even tough i have friend i feel lonely and when some one say anything about lonileness or depression i just cant control myself i get so angry that if givven the chance i would tip their head off then i feel guilty at my self i dont know what the hell is going on i am sorry for wasting your time with this post i am realy sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 302, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0477", "text": "i don t want to exist anymore the thought of death ha brought me a lot of peace for a while now i have friend who are incredibly important to me i love them greatly and i know that they will be perfectly fine without me i accepted my suicidal urge a few month ago and talked to them about it i don t want them to feel any form of guilt when i finally get to go and so i m trying to preemptively minimise that a much a possible i promised them each individually that i would at the very least get in touch with one of them before doing anything to give them a chance to talk to me i have even started going to therapy and promised myself that i would go for a minimum of session with a therapist whom i am comfortable with i also made myself a bucket list the whole point of it all is so that when i m gone they won t feel like they could have done more i don t want them to blame themselves for my decision i don t belong here i long for non existence it s got nothing to do with them and they shouldn t have to suffer because of me some day like today i struggle i just want to go i don t want to finish my therapy i don t want to finish my bucket list i don t want to call them i just want to be forgotten i think i m on the tail end of today spiral and i haven t sh today either which is a win i guess i just needed to write this out", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 291, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0478", "text": "so had a really bad few week with my anxiety my doctor decided to put me on citalopram and now i ve barely eaten and drank for day which ha made this experience so much worse so i ve decided to stop taking them and stick to my propranolol i m going to create new healthy routine for my day to day life drink more water maybe a new hobby i ve also ordered new book one on how to heal from narcissistic abuse route of my anxiety from a parent and how to let go of painful memory that are causing me to be miserable on a positive note i ve had a really good conversation with my boyfriend who s my rock a sometimes he get deflated with my anxiousness and negativity which i can completely appreciate also i m going to start going back to therapy and get into that routine too i don t know what the point of this post is lol but i just want someone who can relate to me or me to them after the worst week ever", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 195, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0479", "text": "i would know if i had a brain damage injury anyersum or my brain is bleeding in the past like month ago my ex boyfriend would punch me in the head pull my hair one time he punched me really hard i had a bump and a extreme headache for day it went away i never went to get it checked because it went away something would have happened by then right if i wa bleeding or had something going on from then on i been stressed and i have headache everyday mainly at a certain time i been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder i just need reassurance im okay right i wa playing a game on my phone all of a sudden my head started feeling really tight and weird anyways the point is is the stress causing it he used to hit my head alot the last time wa like month ago but before that too other than the concussion i felt fine would i have blacked out if it wa bad enough to do damage i never did i been fine but i started having headache reccently maybe stress im fine right plz give me reasssurace answer this i would know if i had a brain bleed how long after a accident can ur brain bleed would i have known by now", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 235, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0480", "text": "i can t keep running from how empty i feel how everything feel so forced and fake i m and the social problem began from a very young age the familial problem also i guess i learned from a very young age to brush thing under the rug and bury all of my emotion to the point where i ve been detached from myself for probably year now i ve been to therapy different time and am likely starting again soon but to be honest i don t think it s going to go anywhere until i can be honest with myself but i literally don t know how it s like there s this pit of intense pain that s constantly buried deep within my chest that i suppose will either give me answer or kill me from shame all i know is socializing is completely traumatizing to me school a well i don t know if anybody can relate but i just don t know how to figure myself out or if it s just all in my head i must sound so crazy to anybody reading this but please if you have any question it might really help me to be able to answer them anonymously and unpack stuff i m committed to understanding why everybody treat me like i m some freak i know i m not completely hideous but beyond that i don t think i know what s going on there s like this deep disconnect between how i act even by myself and who i am internally i believe i don t know if any of this make sense but please ask about my childhood or whatever i got ta understand even if it kill me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 296, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0481", "text": "yesterday when i woke up i made my final decision to take my own life i have thought it over and even though there may be other option i decided that i am ready to just simply give up a the ongoing struggle ha made me decide it s not worth the pain i haven t felt anything but numbness for year i ve become obese my body is in terrible shape i ve battled with addiction but somewhat recently ive started to get over it when i finally thought that wa going well and started to be proud i wa met with people who didn t seem impressed and moreso judged the small victory i felt i guess because they didn t realize just how bad my situation wa three week off of hard drug wa a major milestone for me but people said it wasn t good enough and that i wa pathetic for thinking it wa impressive i don t see a bright side a i am finishing college even though i wa given a great job offer because i would just be continuing a life in a city where everyone hate me while i can work a lot and be miserable i am not the type to go out and leave on my own i would do nothing but recluse myself and probably miss home if i moved away i recently came to the realization that outside of the people that are friend with me my public perception is very much that i am a loser my antic have made people that used to consider me a friend not even like me a a person a girl i used to love decided to lead me on somewhat recently just to tell me her friend and everyone else hate me and that she would never consider dating me this wa essentially my tipping point i have decided that thursday night when i am returning from a work trip i am going to park my car on the way home by a bridge i am going to start drinking heavily i will make it look like i lost control a i drive through the rail and into the water those that know me will find this heartbreaking but ultimately not shocking and devastating in the way a suicide might affect them they will be able to cope with the loss without wondering if it wa their fault the only flaw in my plan is i have written a note to be left with my closest friend because one thing i can t do is leave without letting him know how much i appreciated everything he s done for me i simply can not do that but that is one thing that might ruin the hidden intent of my action", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 476, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0482", "text": "i always dealt with anxiety growing up primarily social anxiety however it never bothered me much and i learned to control it however about a week ago i woke up in the middle of the night shaking with a pounding heart i shrugged it off and went to sleep within a few day later i wa starting to fall asleep when my body jolted and i had a panic attack it took me about 0 minute to get over then i went to work without sleeping within a short time at work i felt sickly nausea chill fatigue many symptom all at once i rushed home and the symptom didnt leave for day a week ha gone by and i am still expierencing some sickly symptom but the worst part is the anxiety everyday atleast twice my mind freak out i can not sleep well my heart ha been beating rapidly etc i went to a counselor it ha not helped medicine calm me but the sickly feeling doesn t go away i do not enjoy work out anymore loss of appetite i can not be alone a much bc my mind flip out i have never felt so uncomfortable sick and weak in my life i am usually a closed book but i am open to anything now this is the most miserable i have been in my life a dramatic a that sound", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 243, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0483", "text": "title i am currently looking at getting onto med for my anxiety and am exploring option for telehealth my goal is to get on them a soon a possible along with going to a therapist to engage in cbt doe anyone here have suggestion for solid telehealth platform ideally i would not have to wait that long to see a doctor so that i can receive med in a timely manner and i do not have to pay an arm and a leg for the appointment with that being said i am ok with spending a little extra if it mean that i am able to get into an appointment quicker i have been looking at cerebral hims and other various telehealth service which i can not remember at this moment doe anyone have suggestion on one that can provide timely service i am ok with paying money for a monthly appointment if it mean that i can get med but ideally i would get on med a soon a possible and then go to an irl mental health counselor and get med from them thanks", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 192, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0484", "text": "tw sui attempt mention of method invalidation take care of yourself before reading i m really really confused because i keep really really invalidating all the time i wanted to die i don t want to call them attempt because they aren t serious i took redacted amount but not a lot of zoloft the first time which is not enough to kill anyone i didn t know that but i wanted to die so that s the closest i think i ve ever gotten to a real attempt but i feel like it s more of an od than an attempt and i m just calling it an attempt based of my ni vete at the time the other two were the same night so i don t even know if i should classify them a separate or not the first the rope wa way too long and the second i didn t tie it correctly and it slipped i didn t try after that but like i never even got a little choked can i even call those attempt i wanted to die but wasn t in any danger these were all year ago and i ve had some therapist say they were attempt but i don t really believe that i wasn t close to dying like my intention i m so ashamed to even call them attempt because they seem so pitiful this past december i feel confident calling my cut a suicidal gesture because if i wasn t chicken i would have gone deeper into the artery i still needed stitch though because i wanted to die but knew that i wouldn t go deep enough so that s not even a true attempt either everyone else i talk to in my life with attempt is like yeah i attempted x amount of time and almost died and had to be in the hospital and i m sitting over here thinking how fucked up is it that i m calling my pitiful gesture attempt when they haven t even come close to having negative consequence it doesn t seem right to me am i just calling them attempt for attention because i want to make people think it wa more severe then it actually wa", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 388, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0485", "text": "i always had that sinking feeling it wa there but wa never able to find that proof i would ve done anything for her she built me up for so long all my life saying i would go far and be the best i can this positive reinforcement kept up until graduated high school in 0 9 i wa taking a gap year so i wa trying to find work in the mean time the pandemic hit a i wa searching and many business had already laid off so many and were not hiring at this point i wa getting the sly comment hear and there but nothing too sinister for the most part only after going from job to job only to be taken advantage of or have my hour cut did it escalate more fearing no other alternative i went back to an old company i had left due to the amount of hour we had to work and my physical wellbeing wa deteriorating while there i wa not hired based on the fact i had quit so many job in a short amount of time the abuse began to hit a whope new level i am berated whenever i come from my room criticized for all the simplest thing forgotten told i m the idiot of the family for not paying attention to everything and continuously told i will never make it on my own and will die outside i finally hit my breaking point and while i cried for myself thinking about all i had done she watched i didn t see her face but she wa judging me the whole time and left me i knew she didn t care anymore and she never ha i have hit a whole new low of depression", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 304, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0486", "text": "my life is meaningless im a junior in high school don t know what i wan na do when i grow up my whole friend group is senior who all are leaving me and moving away to knew college they don t know this but their quite literally the only reason im even alive right now they give me motivation to wake up in the morning the day im alone and don t see them im always just depressed it s almost like their my medicine i just know once i finally move away to be on my own im going to end my life so i just would rather not delay the inevitable i don t even think my friend would care that much they ve already told me thing about killing my self a a joke not knowing the state im in and it s really not their fault i know their just joking and that they mean no harm by it it s just that im obviously fucked up in the head i sometimes would just rather wish that i d get into a almost deadly car accident that wasn t my fault just so i can maybe appreciate life more id also like to know how my friend and love one would react to see if they d actually care i think about this a lot when im driving and it tends to make me speed and drive recklessly i just want a reason to live honestly", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 252, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0487", "text": "i m so fucking anxious all the time it s killing me i felt great last august no panic attack for over a year and my social anxiety disappeared so i came off my med within week i wa back on them and haven t been right since the trazodone stopped working so i went on mirtazapine and gained stone in a many month so i came off that and went on agomelatine my anxiety wa increasing severely so my gp put me back on trazodone on the rd march but only after keeping me on agomelatine for week which is basically a placebo pill i ve been in a amp e time in week having a panic attack they give me like mg tablet of diazepam and send me on my way my gp refuse to give me any even though it s so severe i can t get out of bed never mind leave the house i don t know what to do these level of terror aren t sustainable and nobody seems to want to help or prescribe me the one thing that help i m also in the uk which is awful for mental health service no technique help because i m so anxious i can t think about anything else other than heart attack and dying with it i m so tired", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 247, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0488", "text": "i m a year old man and i m in the worst state of my life right now i started out my adult life by dropping out of college after week due to depression and severe anxiety and getting 0 000 in debt it took me year to pay that and my car loan off and i wa finally back to even financially i spent thousand of dollar trying therapy medication chiropractor for my back issue and nothing helped me i ve tried exercise healthy diet yoga everything i ve ever been told to do to get better and it never helped me long term i ve been working dead end job ever since and barely scraping by each month while my body and mind deteriorate i have so many untreated and likely some undiagnosed health issue and i barely have the energy to do my laundry once a week anymore and can t do anything else productive i am too anxious to leave my room and even be around my roommate i ve known since high school i feel like i m never going to escape the poverty loop i finally broke even year ago when i wa and now i m back 000 in credit card debt stressing me out every day my car broke down and now have to uber around town making my finance even worse i failed at any goal i set in term of trying to get a better career i can t live like this working 0 hour a week at a dead end job with nothing bringing me enjoyment except food i have no family to help me i haven t had more than day off a week since i wa in high school why is the world punishing me because my parent ignored my health concern growing up and they were too poor to help me afford college it seems like everyone else who is a bad off a i am ha their family to help support them through their finance and health issue whereas mine just exacerbated mine i just can t do it any more i broke down cry at work last night i can t even stand working a job where i sit at a desk hour a night and talk to people per shift i want to end it all so bad but don t know a painless guaranteed way to do it i just want help and my country and state don t care about me and i have nobody else", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 435, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0489", "text": "so the other day i wa playing a game and chatting on the phone with a friend let s call her bri and i have a friend staying with me this month let s call her anna so i told anna that i would be on the phone and she nodded and then later on i got on my call anna felt like this wa the perfect time to call all her friend and be super super loud on the phone with them i m letting anna stay with me a a courtesy because they didn t have a place in town to stay while they worked once i got off the phone with bri anna felt like using her inside voice finally and then basically ended her call around then too anna ha been freeloading and doesn t pay me any rent like she said she would and i think it s incredibly rude of her to act this way the one time in the past month that i had a phone call the thing i m anxious about is that me and bri were talking about some deep stuff on the phone and then we d hear anna in the background being super loud and i m anxious about whether bri is mad at me but i live in a studio so there s no privacy from anna i feel like i should apologize to bri and let her know that my earphone were in the whole time so she know that anna didn t hear any of it since it wa really personal stuff we were talking about while anna took her phone call there s a lot of other thing anna had done while freeloading that upset me but that s for another time since i actually started taking anti anxiety med because of the anxiety anna cause me and the med don t help a much a i wish they would", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 343, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0490", "text": "i can t remember a time when i wasn t struggling i ve wanted to die for a long a i can remember and i m worried i m no longer afraid of death i just don t understand myself i can get up every day and do everything i need to put my retainer in and wash my face before i sleep get great grade but no one know how much my body ache and how hard i have to push myself to do all those thing i joke around my friend and plaster this fake as smile on my face around everybody but i contemplate my death every night every single night and i can never sleep before am anymore yet i wake up bright and early a if i didn t almost kill myself the night before there wa a point in my life where i didn t get out of bed for month didn t brush my teeth for week failed every class never spoke to anyone and got sickly skinny from loss of appetite it wa so awful and i never want to return to that state again that i let myself fall apart now trying to keep my composure and no one know there s not a single soul in my life who s aware though i try to talk about it without dragging everyone down with me i ve also caught myself dissociating a lot more these day can t remember shit can t feel excitement at all or any other emotion other than despair and exhaustion and the terrible brain fog i just don t know what to do anymore don t know how much longer i can keep my act up i m repulsed by the idea that i d have to do this forever don t want to talk to anyone about it either in fear that i d just be a burden friend and family call me over dramatic and don t even take it seriously because they re never there to see how bad it is and idk how to show them don t even know what the point of me posting this is i doubt anyone would even see this or waste precious time reading through this long as post", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 390, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0491", "text": "a few year ago there wa a pretty big hurricane that went straight through our city and i thought i wasn t affected by it until i started noticing that i get super anxious when it start to rain really hard or there s a lot of wind i noticed this bc i used to love the rain and now i start to shake when it happens anyway i m writing this because it s currently pretty windy maybe 0 mph my anxiety is already spiking because of that but i just checked the weather and saw that tornado were possible for the south aka where i live they kept saying possible not likely not low just possible so now i m terrified that the worst will happen our roof will blow off something my mom said she wa scared would happen during the hurricane and i ve remember that moment ever since our power will go out a tornado will end up forming etc the gust of wind alone are putting me on the verge of a panic attack and this weather wind cloud possible thunderstorm is supposed to go on for most of the week i feel like this is irrational but like i said i can t help but feel my heartbeat go up every time i hear the wind", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 226, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0492", "text": "hi i m m i m pretty sure i have depression im sad literally all the time and i just wanted to explain a lot to get some feedback sorry if it s too much so im around 0 0lbs and ft so im fat no girl ever liked or like me i don t like myself i don t look good in clothes nothing i have a loving family but i feel so alone i constantly think about what it would be like to be a normal weight and have people actually like me i stay awake until am and wake up too tired to stay awake in school or on weekend i wake up at like or i ve been going to the gym day a week with my friend lost lb hopefully this help me shed the weight but even though i count calorie i constantly eat unhealthy or fast food i feel like i m a failure to my friend and family i had this girl who i talked to for many year her and i were very close and she finally pushed me away i constantly wonder if maybe i would still be close with her if i wa a normal weight i have no motivation and i can t cry anymore i try but it just doesn t come out i have nobody to tell all this a when i try they say it s too depressing and they don t want to talk about it anymore even though all this is going on i don t have any intention or even the slightest thought of suicide or self harm i just want to be normal and loved", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 287, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0493", "text": "i m year old diagnosed with gouty arthritis at and i ve been battling with myself for almost a year now and it ha gotten to the point where i m tired of living this tuesday morning at am i tried to commit suicide my second attempt on taking my own life in le than a year and yet i ve still managed to fail once more i wa able to get at least hour of sleep but nothing more and that s the best i can get from a day just sleep wishing and praying to god to take my life every night passing away in my sleep best way possible imho for the last few month i ve been starting all my day and ending in tear soaking my pillow i m constantly emotionally unstable i break down in the middle of my lecture and i m genuinely tired of feeling sad and having different type of emotion on a daily basis i m lacking enormously in motivation to keep on living my mind is a thinking machine and won t stop thinking about all the suicidal way i could end my pain most of the time i ask myself why me i used to be an energetic kid who enjoyed doing many thing in my free time mostly gaming all by myself since i never had an opportunity to make a solid friendship so most of the time i end up talking expressing to myself because in this world there is no one here for me no one ha ever cared for me or even shared the least tiny drop of affection towards my person that s why i just don t try to make friend any more because i feel like i m a failure at it and i don t want no one to invest time in me i currently have an absurd amount of hate rage towards myself for not being able to finish everything and not looking upon my flaw and imperfection and wasting the endless opportunity of improving myself now i ll just have to live with the consequence and i m just here in this world all alone thinking and knowing that some people are doing better than me and living their best life and i envy that and i m jealous of that i m writing this deep down from a part of me that ha just a millimeter of hope of recuperating but i highly doubt i ll be able to do it i won t lie a of writing this it feel like i m getting rid of an anchor that ha been pulling me back all this time", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 458, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0494", "text": "i hate myself i ve dreamed about finally gathering the courage to end my life for about year i have everything i need my basic need are met all paid by my caring family i m finishing a college degree also fully paid by my parent i feel weak and pathetic i see people with real issue traumatic shit who go on with their life while i m sitting here wanting to end my life without a reason why do i feel like this it feel invalid i ve never faced adversity every second of my life i ve spent tearing myself apart the only reason i haven t jumped in front of the metro is that i m scared to end up quadriplegic i m scared of everyone finding out that despite having my life served to me on a platter i still want to die i feel pathetic small and alone and i m scared i m starting to lose control of it before suicide felt like a refuge or a safe place to escape if necessary but now it s overwhelming and persistent i don t want to feel like this anymore but i can t stop it everything i do feel wrong i ve isolated myself from everyone and by the time i realized how lonely i felt i couldn t find the courage to reach out despite having everything given to me i feel like a failure and i hate everything about myself self loathing ha become the only way i interact with who i am and everything i do i feel like i don t deserve help i ve never faced adversity i m scared of failing to kill myself but i can t stop thinking about it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 300, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0495", "text": "i ve had thought of not wanting to exist for a while but i ve been very much in denial to myself and when spoken to by others about my desire to stop existing i know i also make joke on occasion and yet when i vent it s like i m annoying the people around me or pushing them away because they don t want to hear about my problem they want me to be a happy strong pillar for them who always listens when they need not the other way around i spoilered this a nsfw because it s for one triggering and for two i d like for le people to see it on my profile i just vented about one of the aspect of these thought on a shared space in the channel for triggering topic but i think i want a new outlet just this once i don t like relying on reddit for anything nor putting sensitive information out there so there s a good chance i ll be deleting this post later i feel like this might be triggering but i just keep thinking of a sensory deprivation void that s just dark grey with no stimulus and how without the need for sustenance after a while i d start to fade and all brain activity would just shut off and that s the sort of isolation that i keep wanting no offending sound or smell no need to eat and no bodily function no pain of going without and no pain from my brain suffering the ill effect of my current lifestyle it s an interesting artistic vision but i see how it s too much to share and possibly triggering to some artistic vision it s interesting when viewed through that lens i should say i m le concerned with making sense anymore because i used to put so much effort into syntax and how i came across but i m sick of trying so hard for people i m good with the rambling writing style i ve been using lately i m tired of putting in effort to say thing that i m ashamed of only to have it weird out other people i m good i m alright i m just suffering these bad issue that don t go away and sometimes i have a hard time keeping up appearance i m ashamed of this i m much more neurotic than shared here but i m okay with it i m okay with it i m accepting it i m going to allow myself to feel it and not hate myself for having emotion like usual i m okay with it", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 458, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0496", "text": "hi my bf and i are dating since year we love each other very much but i had my diagnosis anxiety and depressive disorder due tu my anxiety month ago and there ha been a lot of change my bf is very comprehensive but sometimes he say thing that i don t understand like since ish month he keep telling that i make no effort in our relationship that i am always sad or tired or angry or sick i often have ordinary cold etc i already had a discussion with him explaining that i can t help it that i ll try to change my behavior that sometimes my disorder affect me so much that i can t move and he seems to understand but it all start again week later besides when i have panic attack he help me well i don t understand why he keep saying thing like this it make me feel guilty i try really hard to make an effort but sometimes i just can t and for those asking yes i have already talked with him about this but nothing change i understand that it may be tough for him to have an anxious gf but his word cut deep sometimes i am currently in therapy and with a treatment ha nobody experienced a similar situation how did you guy manage relationship and disorder", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 232, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0497", "text": "i don t know how much longer i m gon na wait could be a few day or a couple week or month definitely by the end of the year though it all depends on if it get even worse and how much worse it get if it get better then i won t do it but i don t see that happening given the pattern it s like every month i lose someone else every day i get a bigger workload and enjoy the thing i like a little le i m an alcoholic and i m not even old enough to drink i ve promised it to myself so many time because it s comforting feeling like the way out is close even if it s not happening but this time is different this time i really don t think i can go on maybe i m just a baby maybe i m over dramatic maybe i m a piece of shit who deserves to die or deserves to live miserable it doesn t matter anymore the reason i have aren t gon na go away or get better just because people tell me they aren t good reason sorry to everyone i m glad i made a new account so they won t see this specific post at least i m probably gon na post the note to instagram right a it s happening just so it s out there and people know and i don t just disappear from everything and leave anyone worrying", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 258, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0498", "text": "i m just sick of global society i m sick of the direction we re heading it really feel like neo techno feudalism imho the purpose of society should be to eliminate reduce human suffering and i just don t see that happening i don t see that happening based on the amount of homelessness i see i don t see that happening in term of climate issue and reducing ghg emission amp other pollution i don t see young people being supported high cost of living debt low wage for the u exclusively where is free cheap healthcare for all where is free public higher education where is cheap healthy convenient food where is affordable childcare and the counter i ve heard to these thing have been like oh there s progress being made rent control more scholarship opportunity young people well you should get involved i ve been involved it s so bureaucratic and soul crushing you lose vision of the bigger picture the reason you got involved well just keep at it why tf would i keep at it when i know i m operating in a system that is built against me against my value and then like let s say you get an important piece of legislation passed great it ha no teeth it s not enforceable it ha no funding attached to it it s easily circumvented we have people sleeping on the sidewalk scared out of their mind while jeff bezos amp elon musk are rocketing themselves to space because why not yay rich people fun we have billionaire getting richer in a pandemic why would i be involved when politician i ve admired and supported have been able to accomplish so little or do what i consider to be reprehensible action i can only hope were done so out of political necessity i work a bullshit job that shouldn t exist but i m sure a fuck glad doe because survival but it doesn t align with my value in this environment i don t know if it would even be possible to have any job that aligned with my value which is so frigging depressing what do i want to do i want to help people great government healthcare nonprofit bureaucratic underfunded nightmare i just don t get it i m so sad i m so sad for the needle human suffering physical amp mental like i don t get how any sane mildly informed person would not have depression anxiety which suck i bet you can tell how much fun i am at party", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 449, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0499", "text": "bro my life ha been so horrible it s unpleasant it piss me off and make me very sad since my life is just waking up having breakfast going to school studying coming home having lunch studying sleeping dinner is sleeping again it s this cycle that always repeat i have friend but they don t even care about me i don t even know why i consider them friend it s my family it s just me my mother and two brother and i don t have uncle i don t know why i m the middle child it s my mother i feel like she hate me because it wa because of me that i made my mother my father divorced since i found out about my father i i wa having an affair with a woman i don t even know and since then i never spoke to my father again my mother often even treat me badly verbally and physically attacking me and i can t hit her because she is my mother and my brother are the only one that i consider friend because they care about my existence but they are very reserved many time they even lock themselves in their room but these last few month i have a great idea of running away from home is to end up leaving the city to have a new life yes people i have money i can survive a whole month and i know it s hard to get a job but i m willing to leave this miserable life but for now it s just an idea that i still don t have the courage to do and i also don t want to leave my brother because i m afraid to leave them what should i do leaving everything is starting a new life or continue a is", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 315, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0500", "text": "i m currently an art student at university and i m trying to pas the year but my anxiety coupled with my low self worth ha made it dangerously difficult to complete any kind of task or face up to any kind of challenge it s already taking what i have to take care of myself everyday and to give myself break whenever thing get tough but my work demand a lot and i want to get through it but whenever i look at what i have to do the thing i need to do i shut down i can t imagine myself ever completing these task or accomplishing thing and this is my last chance at university or i have to drop out i don t think i could take that kind of failure i want to be able to sit down and work hard face the challenge and either fail and try again or triumph and move onto the next so much of me is tied to the confidence i have in a task on a good day i ll create something i never thought i d do on my own but those day are rare i ve tried therapy but i can t afford it anymore and free healthcare here mean waiting month for a chance at a session ha anyone felt something similar to this or know what could help so far just typing this out ha helped a bit", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 245, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0501", "text": "i married my fianc from another nationality and moved to his country south korea i ve been here for almost three month and thing have been rough my husband work all day at least 0 hour a day and when he ha free time all we do is fight he s even violent sometimes i am an online teacher and he keep my money he doesn t allow me to get a real job until i learn korean but i am struggling with it i spent all my saving to move in here so literally i have no money we live with his parent and they are nice but at the same time overprotective i don t have freedom to go out they tell me what to eat what to wear they take all the decision in my life i feel controlled and my husband agrees with that also i don t have any friend i don t feel loved by my husband and i don t love him anymore even one of his friend treat me better i am completely alone i told my parent i want to go back home and they said i have to fight for my marriage so no support from them or another family member i think my only way to feel free is dying so i don t know if i can handle this situation anymore", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 239, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0502", "text": "i feel empty inside most of the time i am trying to find my purpose to live again but it kinda hard for the first time ever in my life i feel like i can t overcome the struggle i m facing right now i am telling myself im doing okay im doing better but at the end of the day i found myself drinking and smoking by myself again i stopped smoking for a year and a half until last month me right now is exactly the person im trying to get rid of year ago after year i found myself doing all the thing i hate and i know it is bad for me again my best friend s birthday day is today i asked her hey what do you want ask a thank you because she wa there for me when i am facing my first panic attack first time understand what s depressed she said i want you to live that s all i need for people out there who is having suicidal thought like me just remember that there will be a person who expects to see you in the future if you feel like there is no one next to you maybe they will show up in the future", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 215, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0503", "text": "hi i m haven t had many female friend growing up now that i m in university and i m a part of a couple different club society we occasionally all go out and eat together i ve quickly realised that i ve been very anxious when eating food on a table with other woman there particularly the one i m meeting for the first time or the one i want to leave an impression on i have a bit of a short beard and one of my fear is that food will drip down and get stuck in my beard and those woman will notice it before i can clean it or it might just get stuck and they ll silently judge me for it and not tell me it s there i ve become great at conversation overtime from previously being very introverted and shy but asap food is served and everyone start eating i switch from being that casual fun guy to a scared and shy introvert who keep wiping his face after every bite of food he gulp down p s interestingly my fear isin t there when i m with guy or if i m with woman i m already close to would love to hear you guy opinion on how to tackle it and if you guy have faced any similar fear xx", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 234, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0504", "text": "i ve been off work for a week due to a neck injury i hate missing work i feel major guilt that others are working harder for my not being there i also have issue believing that coworkers bos will think that i m lying i don t know why i think this i had a doctor note for the first week off and my bos responded with i can t keep covering your shift i m having to pick up all the slack i explained it wa out of my control and i wa sorry for the extra work put on them cut to now a week later i thought i would be ok by now to go back in to work but i m still not well enough i have a physical job and neck nerve compression is making those movement difficult instead of just saying i wasn t ok to come back yet i said a small lie exaggerating why i wasn t able to work i said i had to go to emergency they checked me out and i m ok it instantly made my anxiety go from a 0 to a knowing the response back couldn t be a aggressive a the first i got from my bos i feel bad for lying i shouldn t have to lie i m actually injured but it made my anxiety much better is it ok to tell a small lie if it doesn t hurt anyone and it make you feel better", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 257, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0505", "text": "ok so last week on wednesday i had to go to hospital because i got appendicitis then the next day i wa bleeding internally so basically had surgery x i am currently still in hospital and it been about a week exactly today however i started getting very severe anxiety and have reached out to my nurse and everything to take med but they domt seem work i even tried mindfulness youtube breathing yet nothing seems to be working for me my thought pattern is like your not gon na get outta the hospital alive your gon na die shit like that with my thought racing and it been going like this all day and i can t seem to stop it just my thought taking control of me and i feel like shit because of this anxiety like i never had this bad anxiety before also im still stuck in this hospital until im released maybe this week can someone please let me know how to deal with this i feel like i cant take it anymore and it getting to me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 188, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0506", "text": "even today it s a strain on society people thinking people with depression are over acting lazy making excuse even with the people who believe in it they still don t know how bad it get thinking you can change that everything will be okay or my own personal favorite a lot of people have it worse i remember finally reaching out for help on the hotline only to have the police knock on my door handcuff me and take me to the hospital i wa next to the ambulance triage door and saw multiple people enter and exit while screaming and a patient in front of me decided to do perverted act in front of me i m more traumatized by the help i got also where i live the mental health place for teen is a death trap there are many one star review for one of the few main mental health place where i live it suck that i want to get help but society just literally treat me like i m wrong or that the place where i want to get help aren t safe i do have a therapist but i still don t feel safe around her", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 207, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0507", "text": "i suppose i ll live one more month the thing that is keeping me alive is my favourite music group and now they are participating in a show and i want to see it ending because this group s music kept me alive since 0 also i ll see my brother birthday but i think that is my maximum at this point i m really glad that some people supported me even that they know me only because of my reddit post and i got more attention and support than from my ex friend through last year i hope that everyone will be happy i will continue telling everyone that suicide is the worst decision but i cant tell it to myself not anymore my close friend could have died yesterday the bomb exploded km away from her and she is still in danger i don t know what i would do without her i m always thinking of everyone else but me and i ll keep doing it i think i don t deserve to be saved actually i don t want to struggle anymore i ve got so much pain that i couldn t even put it all in 00000 word even if i ll try to live i m sure i will be suffering just even more i have so little light in my life i don t deserve to be loved i always make thing worse i m sure that everyone will be happier without me that they won t have to talk with me and my parent won t have to spend money on my university idk maybe it s just my stpd schyzotypical personal disorder i dont know i don t think i know anything i don t know what is happening around me i i m tired and i m sorry to everyone who had to read this i m so sorry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 326, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0508", "text": "so i have struggled with anxiety and depression due to complex ptsd since i wa young i f went to counseling for year in my teen and also medically managed my disorder with medication i am still taking a hefty dose of an ssri and have been maintaining my anxiety and depression fairly well while going through college transitioning to adulthood i recently in the past day have started having uncontrollable anxiety that ha led into the worst panic attack i ve had in over 0 year i wa so worked up that i brought myself to the er for help because i wa so scared and eventually exhausted myself out in the waiting room i m am still having serious anxiety and have managed to be functional but with how high my anxiety level are i could be back in the state i wa yesterday and i don t want to do that my current plan is to set myself up with a new therapist to get help and to discus my medication with my doctor unfortunately that can t happen overnight so i m the meantime i am asking for your advice on coping mechanism way to calm yourself down or out of a panic attack i normally use rational thought to try and bring myself down walking outside will help a bit deep breathes listening to music meditation etc these haven t been working recently and i m looking to learn amp find newer tactic in the short term while finding professional help i know that what is triggering this is a large life transition coming up and it s not something that s going away any time soon so i can t just avoid it to reduce my anxiety thank you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 301, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0509", "text": "i am reading all those post and asking myself can i help them or am i also one of them the answer is not shocking but all i can understood one thing the other people don t understood u they stop understanding u in first place when we go silent fewest of few nudge u no matter what but personally i stop responding to express my thought or emotion to tell them what i feel and how i feel because i fear it might effect their vicinity of thought and people around them so i pushing people around me so i might be in misery yet not dragging any of my anchor it is and always hard to say goodbyeno matter what but doe it worth it i am in utter limbo state of life where i don t know what i should do i am clueless and lifeless about my next step i don t know what should i do where living is not an option but dying is not also one", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 180, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0510", "text": "hi reddit i m not sure who else to turn to a i recently had to stop seeing my therapist because i moved state and she is only licensed in my previous state of residence i am looking for a new therapist but i simply can t keep this inside me anymore and i need a place to get it out this year and the last few month of 0 ha been the absolute worst of my entire life i can not believe the amount of negativity loss tragedy and pure bad luck that i ve been experiencing since fall of 0 it s been blow after blow and i can feel myself giving up i m giving up hope i m giving up my optimistic attitude i m giving up my will to continue existing in august of 0 my boyfriend of two year and i began our descent into what eventually led to our breakup in mid december we shared an apartment in oregon and i had to move out in january and move across the country back to my hometown in illinois i wa devastated about the breakup and under immense stress trying to find a moving company to haul my belonging such a long distance i finally found one and it turned out to be a scam they stole all my belonging and i m in the middle of several complaint with them but still have yet to see my thing and i don t think i ever will i lost my boyfriend and my life s worth of item at the same time living back at home ha been difficult a my sister life here and we do not have the best relationship she is severely mentally ill with addiction depression and borderline personality disorder so it s been very hard trying to manage her mood outburst destruction etc she ha attacked me many time said countless hurtful thing and done endless physical damage to the house living with her is very stressful on top of all this my grandpa just died tonight i got a call from my brother out of the blue i can t process this right now and i m at my wit end in the past month i ve lost my boyfriend whom i still love my old apartment and old life in oregon all of my life s worth of belonging and now my grandpa it s almost funny how insanely negative this year ha been i simply can not see myself recovering from all this loss and sadness and i don t know what to do it is just too much and i have no hope or light left i m feeling suicidal", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 466, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0511", "text": "i have been going for month to a new therapist and originally the goal wa to just do self care like shower eat take my med stuff like that i had graduated college and moved to a new city to start my first big boy job and i wa struggling with the life transition now i have everything together i take care of myself i have a stable career i go out on the weekend i have a strong healthy relationship but i m still depressed every session it seemed like she wa seeking goal out of me but i just don t have any i have everything but i m not happy and i can t come up with anything that would bring me happiness when i have everything i would need last night the topic of session wa my connection with people which i had made a goal out of last month but after getting to the end of it i made the statement that i don t know if i even want to make or strengthen these connection and she got frustrated with me and mentioned taking a break until i had a goal set and that my depression could just be my personality at this point since i have been dealing with it since i wa i m now i m just upset with myself and i don t really know what to do i ve had therapist in my life and none have really helped i know i have to do the work but it s hard for them to guide me when i don t even know what direction to go in i guess i just need to get another or more antidepressant or something idk", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 294, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0512", "text": "y male so for the last couple of year i ve been sad depressed at first not too bad like just gloomy but progressively stronger but maybe for the last maybe year to year and a half it s gotten pretty dark everything seems meaningless for a little back ground i m in a very healthy relationship my relationship with my parent wa pretty good for the most part up until recently but everything s o k just regular petty thing i grew up an only child spent allot of time alone parent worked day allot love them for it so i ve gotten pretty good at hiding most of anything that s going on all smile and small talk but recently i get this deep deep sadness it almost feel like i m in a vast dark room by myself screaming but it s silent and then i think of a bliss darkness like if only i could keep my eye shut it ll all go away when i feel like this i hide in a dark room usually cry i don t really know why i didn t proof read this i ve never told any one these thing and i feel like if i read it back i m gon na back out and erase it so sorry if it s all messed up", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 228, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0513", "text": "i ve just had enough of everything i don t know what to do anymore or who to talk to i tried to end my life twice through overdose and that didn t work i have episode where i just don t want to be here anymore i get agitated and it doesn t matter what anyone say or doe it doesn t make it any better i fear that i will have an episode of contemplating suicide and i ll just jump off a bridge it s like my mind take over and i don t think of anyone else my last resort is sectioning and i know what it s like i live in uk but i feel like that would be the safest environment for me where i can focus on getting better without having that constant worry of ending my life can anyone provide any advice at all i would appreciate it i just feel like my life is so pointless growing up with a disability being bullied always feeling different to everyone else childhood trauma and now having a constant battle everyday with my mental health i try to get on with life but i always feel like it would be better if i wasn t here", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 214, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0514", "text": "i just hit something hard i mean i ve been numb before the loss of feeling ha even killed relationship but after the breakup of the best bf i ve ever had numb ha been more common keep in mind it s been abt a week so far well lately with how he s acted and everything and because he even said so i thought we had a chance to work again in the future we broke up because he is suffering mental issue well today he told me he actually lost feeling i also had a small issue with a close friend over lying and smoking and i flipped all my past trauma clicked in right there all the past ex and friend and just people who lied and left me it all hit again which it s crazy to me he triggered it but maybe it s because of the connection i once shared with him but hearing that he lied when he said a couple day before that he still loved me and just wa struggling at the time and all the little flirting and care he s shown feel so contradicting to the point everything clicked off i cried it all out and the emotion wont come back but not even the emotion feel gone i feel like i lost my soul like i wa just blackout drunk my whole life and i just woke up and only recall blurry scene from my life and it s all gone i ve distanced myself from a few close friend and rn only have my bsf and sister im really talking to i cant tell if i fucked up or what but it all is so hazy and confusing i lost whhat im doing and idk what this is or what to do to somehow bend up a better person out of this it s awfully terrifying and it s making me so light headed", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 335, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0515", "text": "a month ago my friend group dropped me because the past few month have been tiring after a situation that involved my crush i kept bothering them about it and it wa just not the same after that i understand where they where coming from though a of right now we re just mutuals we talk in class sometimes and wave to each other in the hallway and smile no drama or anything happened but one person kinda told everyone we ended on good term which im glad happened now i hang out with my other friend we are a trio and we have each other s back nothing is awkward we just vibe with each other let call them em and ki ki is a very friendly person if one of u ha a dislike towards someone she would still talk to them cause shes good with them and they have no drama yesterday ki wa invited to lunch by my ex friend they have been talking and getting closer today in the corner of my eye i see them playing imessage game and just texting each other honestly im just worried that shell hang out with them more often and ill be alone for lunch i am not in charge of who she hang out with i don t mind at all if they re friend she said that our friend group is kind of her main lunch friend group so we hang out like most of the time she said if my ex friend kept inviting her she would probably go maybe a few time i honestly don t know why im worried im overthinking and stressing out a lot right now ive always been like this im afraid to be alone", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 300, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0516", "text": "a known now i am m and identify a unlabeled and that s great i used to identify a bisexual but now identify a unlabeled since i feel more comfortable with it straight to the point is that i m scared of how my parent will think of me in the future and how i will tell them my sexuality reason are is that i have a gf and i want everyone around me to see that i m straight but they won t anymore and they will see me a gay because in the future my gf will most likely become trans and switch to being a guy i like guy and girl but don t like the label bisexual idk why so that s why i identify a unlabeled so i will be seen gay to my parent and i live in a catholic family so i m nervous how my future will be and it curl my stomach to think about they said they would accept me if i wa gay but i told my mom i wa straight and her reaction wa oh thank god and now i think she could of been lying idk that reaction make me nervous for the future i m just trying to live a a kid now and enjoy the moment while i could", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 229, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0517", "text": "ok so i have been anxious for about year now it s only recently got way out of hand i love being on my own or with my partner only i ve became a hermit because being in public around people is just too much for me it s got way worse for the past couple month i can t even cook for a bit of context i have been out of work for almost year now which is probably why i ve only got worse with little to none human interaction i would cook clean etc while my partner worked now i can t even switch the oven on from fear that it will set the fire alarm off the fire alarm are so damn loud i can hear when people have burnt their food a few house down the street i think it s the fear of people knowing it s my house that s making the god awful sound i put food in the oven the other night while my partner wa at work and once the timer wa done on my phone i wa so nervous to open the oven door incase the plume of steam smoke set the alarm off i wa calling my partner leg shaking that bad i had to sit down i put food in the oven last night again and wa again scared to open the oven door i wa at one point just going to turn the oven off leaving the food in there and make toast i don t mind cooking when my partner is home because if the alarm go off i just run and he deal with it lol i m just looking for abit of advice on how to get over this fear it fully take over me tia i don t like to say i have anxiety a i haven t even been to the doctor to get diagnosed and don t want to offend anyone so i ll call it being anxious for now also if this is the wrong sub to put this on mod please feel free to move this post elsewhere", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 365, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0518", "text": "for about a week now i ve been experiencing extreme anxiety and panic restlessness a need to move my leg etc it s been waking me up in the middle of the night or it hard for me to fall asleep bc the sensation is just so uncomfortable i also feel wired and like i have all of this insane amount of energy i have no pain and my heart beat honestly seems pretty normal maybe slightly elevated at time however i keep getting this weird uncomfy fluttering tingling sensation in the middle of my chest that will not go away it is so hard to describe a little bit of butterfly in my stomach a well a slight nausea i notice with some cbd i can calm down and feel alright but i don t know if anyone else experience this it almost feel like my body is actively fighting a panic attack for day on end i ve been to the dr like time in the past month and have had ton of blood work done and had low vitamin d and low iron but i ve been on supplement now and have been feeling better there wa no other concern from my dr so i don t know if this is health anxiety or from something like gerd i just fear i m either crazy or i m dying or it s both", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 242, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0519", "text": "m i ve been in a major spiral the last half a year or so with all kind of major issue coming up all at once i went to the hospital for sa in january and had to go back only a month later for sh and alcohol abuse on my campus usually when i get depressed however i get really really sad or destructive towards myself or i reach for weed or drink to keep me from thinking about thing but tonight is different i ve managed to keep myself from the drink so far tonight and i m out of edible so i can t vibe like that and i m having my usual spiraling out of control thought and feeling incredibly shitty but i also kind of just feel nothing normally i d be a wreck cry on the floor right now but i just feel like a hollowed out egg like my skin is only millimeter thick and the slightest tap will cave me in i can t emote at all i feel like i want nothing not even death rn just pure nothingness and it suck anyone have any experience with these feeling is this some sort of disassociation because i ve never had this acute of an experience before hopefully someone see this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 226, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0520", "text": "i m not going to make it after school won t pas and be stuck there i think going out is hurting me i do thing and when i get back home i think it over and think what a failure i am i say something or do something and then i think everyone is gon na laugh thing is i ve got year before i leave school but i m still worrying i m worrying that my friend will leave after the mandatory time needing to spend with me even if i do go out with them more because it s spring i m worrying that this isn t my lowest point my mom already ha anxiety and depression and my dad who is an arsehole is moving out and i m just gon na leave her for the rest of her life however long that is the title is a tiny lie though i hope my mom carry on when i m gone i hope she carry on with the memory or just forgets me entirely so she doe need the grief without me i ve never told anyone except just a few joke with my friend and i don t think they caught on this one time i written a suicide note in my memo but i m so stupid i can t tie a noose not even a shoelace only thing i m good at is writing my handwriting is terrible look like a preschooler written it and i can t even join it up i came on here because i couldn t find anything to cut with and i can t go downstairs to get something it got a bit of the weight crushing my chest off but there is still some", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 304, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0521", "text": "i hate myself this probably sound cringey but i do i hate myself my friend call me fat a a joke and id like to take it a a joke but i can t i can t i can t i can t i feel like they hate me i have no evidence they do but i hate myself i m worthless i can t even describe myself without wanting to kill my self all my friend are either small and skinny or lanky i m chubby but they make me feel awful they joke about me behind my back i have a true friend well i hope he s true that tell me this even though i ask him to do it i don t want after each joke i hear i want to die i can t tell anyone that would rope them into my mess and i m probably the least suspecting person to think this because i ve been faking a smile for year since i wa 0 at 0 year old i wanted to die hate myself i don t know who to blame but me i m useless i had a failed suicide attempt at age at fucking i tried to slit my own wrist i m only here because i love my parent and my dog but a soon a they die i have nothing but my own thought which i feel like are against me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 250, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0522", "text": "in this post i will reveal the center to my problem and i better get started ive never been in a relationship before strangely i never really been attracted to many people before but recently back in november while i wa riding my bus home i seen a girl who blew my mind away she s so beautiful she s everything i find attractive she still ride my bus and i usually sit right behind her she never talked to me and i never talked to her the only interaction we had wa when she handed me a clipboard to right my name because the bus driver wa making seating chart i can t stop thinking about her i want to talk to her so bad but i never will because i m lame and have no social skill it s hard to cope with knowing there someone who relates to you so much you see everyday but not being able to go say hi it suck i m not mad i m just fucking sad man i want to cry", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 181, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0523", "text": "moved in with them at the start of october 0 we seemed to get on really well have at least some commonality and we d go out together sometimes time every week or so i ve always felt like the outsider of the group a they are all nd year going to the same uni and i am on a gap year we are all the same age tho it always felt like it wa those living together and me living with them if that make any sense nonetheless even tho have terrible anxiety and depression i tried with them they just told me last night that a friend asked them to move in with them and they ll be moving out in a few month it s suck cause we had said several time in passing we d be happy to live together whether in this flat or another i even got into a uni in the same city a them and they knew i wa going to study here next year i don t think they hate me i just don t think they like me all that much it hurt cause idk what i m going to do for accommodation next year uni hall terrify me but would be good to meet people i just had to get this off my chest i have no idea how to act with them if they start convo with me it just feel like they re forcing it idk i feel unloved and unhated just a banal liking", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 268, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0524", "text": "so i m f and am currently living working and studying in a different country than the one i wa born and raised in my cousin m study in our home country but very far away from home and can only visit his parent during the break my relationship with my parent wa very much strained for a couple of year due to unsolved childhood trauma and throwing blame at them for thing that were a result of their childhood trauma but after therapy our relationship improved and even though we have our fight a every family ha we are very close and talk every evening and even eat together through videocall my cousin relationship with his parent is very much strained his parent got married very late and had fertility issue so only managed to have him well into their forty due to this they really didn t have the patience to deal with their child and my cousin spent most of his childhood with our grandma because his parent wanted to have fun and not deal with a child having tantrum moreover they were very abusive they used to make him eat adult sized portion of food every meal and not let him leave the table until he finished his food and even though everyone in the family knew this wa abusive no one ever decided to do something about it luckily he ha a very fast metabolism and so far hasn t experienced any health issue due to this abuse last september he started university and apparently stopped picking up call from his parent and stopped answering text to the point that my uncle had to threaten him with cutting him off financially if he didn t start picking up the phone and texting this weekend my dad s side of the family had dinner and lunch on saturday and sunday and the topic of me and my cousin came up and my uncle and aunt out of jealousy called my relationship with my parent toxic and unhealthy because we speak to much and went on to say i don t have a life or friend hence why i always talk to them now i have friend both living with me and at work but my friend go out clubbing everyday and since that really isn t my scene i hang with them during the day and they go out at night also i didn t have a relationship with my parent for year i wa so depressed and hurt that i bearly spoke to them even though we were living in the same house now that we have worked through our issue i am enjoying my relationship with them seeing a it won t last forever i dont think our relationship is toxic or unhealthy but this ha triggered my anxiety and made me have intrusive thought and honestly i just need a little reassurance do you think my relationship with my parent is toxic and unhealthy or are my family member just being asshole", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 517, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0525", "text": "i live in my bedroom weekend burn by fast with me playing video game i bought a new car but lack will to learn how to get comfortable with it i want to do thing but i don t want to drive myself to these place in fear of crashing into something and my job is easy and amazing pay but somehow i find a way to disdain it and my coworkers i want to start dating again but all the sudden i ve become embarrassed of who i am i feel like i m boring and not really interesting to talk to my coworkers like to find my insecurity and turn it into a joke for everyone and i haven t done anything to them i m just there i feel like i m losing my grip on reality sometimes and just want to end it forever and if i did nothing of value would be lost and nobody would really care i m afraid of change yet i want it so much at the same time i just wish i were a more outgoing person who doesn t let other s word get to me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0526", "text": "i have had suicidal thought since high school i am also trans and have always known it since i wa young i never felt it wa something i wa allowed to do i started transitioning a few month ago now at the age of i ve attempted suicide time in my life and i did the least almost hoping i would live or die 0 0 i ve always threatened my family that i would kill myself some of that wa a cry for help some of that is true i have planned to live perhaps extra year to see if truly a everyone tell me it s worth living just wait i believe in my heart i can be great for myself and love myself and yet i am plagued by this obtuse feeling of letting go for good almost every day i have had many therapist i have one currently i have tried med and i truly don t want them in my life i can t even complain i speak language fluently i ve experienced a lot of life and always felt like an old soul although i am disappointed with this world i am disappointed with all the hate that exists i m disappointed with myself and others consistently most day i wake up grateful and most day i go to sleep angry sad lonely and hopeless no matter how much i try to be a force of love and light in this world in the morning i end up depleted and sucked into the darkness each night i have stayed for my family and friend who would suffer if i left i have never once stayed for myself i wish i found a reason to live for myself and not for others i m planning on taking shooting lesson in this year so i may get a gun license hopefully so that i may register a firearm in year and kill myself i m not sure what i m looking for saying this on here just needed a place to say it i hope you re all well and stay strong", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 360, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0527", "text": "i don t see the meaning of life in general or the purpose of my own life i ve been clinically depressed and in and out of therapy for seven year now which is of my life which make me feel sad i ve reached this point where i don t even have the desire to take an active role in anything that happens to me or in my choice i feel very passive like i m just sort of letting my life lead me instead of leading it i feel dormant like i m just existing and i d barely even call myself alive everyone around me ha relationship thing to look forward to goal to meet etc yet i m only year old and i cant find even one attainable thing that i have the desire to accomplish i know i m not supposed to compare because everyone is different and blah blah blah but i m jealous of others who are driven and motivated i m unhappy and unfulfilled but simultaneously i m burnt out from constantly trying to work on myself get better and look for thing that will help change my mentality i really don t know what i should do next that is if i can bring myself to do anything at all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 222, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0528", "text": "so i literally have barely any success in making friend i make friend we get close then they disappear from my life i m in uni now trying to make friend i have a small nice friend group i get invited to some of the hangout etc but i constantly feel like there is tension between me and a few people like a if they hate me i made a friend last year now she barely talk to me and i genuinely think she hate me to add i m not a sexual person at all so i never made advance with any of those friend if anything i try to avoid physical contact because of constant anxiety of making people uncomfortable i also have low self esteem which is pretty clear but i really feel sad about having people not like me i mean some people always get text and are friend with so many people eventhough theyre barely more social than i am i genuinely don t understand my problem amp x 00b tldr how to make people like you a a friend how to stop thinking everyone hate you", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 199, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0529", "text": "i am mentally exhausted i have so many problem that i can not deal with my older brother bully me daily and all i do is just sit and listen to it if i tell him to stop he will just continue to be more annoying i have a lot of health problem my parent dont want to take me to a doctor because they think i am lying so i have to do it myself i am not legal in my country i go to school and put on a fake personality and laugh people bully me even there not physcally but mentally they tell me i am dumb weird skinny crazy i have zero friend in real life i have online friend that used to help me with everything and even made a workout plan for me all of that faded since my health is sucking rn my parent call me crazy daily becayse i like ti play video game for hour a day that is crazy to them even tho everyone else tell them it normal all i feel inside if me is just fear sadness and hopelessness 0 good or happy thought i thoght dozen if time about suicide i can t do it i have ocd and that top of everything and obliderates my life and make me suffer even more i can t take it anymore i don t knoe where to go or what to do it like i don t belong anywhere or cant do anything all i can do is whine on random subbredit because i have no one to talk to is this all life really is i know you might say ohh but if you try to get yourself up and get motivated and do stuff trust me i tried it many time it fails because of family problem etc am i worth saving is my life really worth living", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 337, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0530", "text": "i feel very apathetic towards everything in my life i just have no drive or ambition towards anything like i m just living just because people tell me to live i don t want to be here in life or anywhere really i just want to not exist a good portion of what i ve done in life is only for the approval of others now that i m older the more i just stop caring about others i know you all will probably suggest to maybe try other thing now that you don t care about other people s opinion find thing that actually enjoy i did i took a break from uni and decided to dive into art and a bunch of hobby i found them to very meaningless i don t know how to explain it but i felt like i wa faking enjoying the thing i did just to prove to myself that i am getting better and that i am like other people i did them just to do them i m just depressed that my family had to be stuck with a daughter like me because i m nothing but lazy and careless i don t want to burden it d be so much easier for me if i could just die in my sleep so i can save myself from hurting my family by committing suicide not existing is the only choice i want", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 244, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0531", "text": "hey guy i m a year old male who just recently give or take 0 day ago quit vaping and ever since about day after quitting i ve been having this uncontrollable illness anxiety constantly every day thinking i might have some sort of terminal physical disease i have no idea what ha been bringing this on i quit vaping to get rid of any anxiety it may have been causing me before such a paranoia thinking every car behind me while i m driving wa a cop or the like doctor prescribed me a mg x day dose of buspirone and it seems to help but i ve also been avoiding it during the day because i m afraid it might make me dizzy while i m doing certain activity last night out of nowhere i got really lightheaded dizzy vertigo and it scared me thinking if i tried to sleep it off it might be the end for me i stayed up most of the night with severe tremor because that s what my body doe when it panic my question overall is do you all think it s due to the nicotine withdrawal and that it ll get better over time i seriously don t know if i can live like this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0532", "text": "hey guy i ve been depressed for a while now and have passive suicidal thought every day my younger sister is excelling earning lot of money travelling and living life to the full which is fantastic and i am so proud of her but i can t help comparing my low energy life lack of any friend and absence of any passion or achievement to hers a after all we came from the same weird parent if i end it the only people it would affect would be my mum she deserves better than what i have to offer but i don t know how to make her proud she must be so sick of me i just don t know what i am meant to do i m on a low income salary riddled with debt flunked university because of weed addiction i have essentially ruined my life i just wish i could press rewind on the last 0 year or at least start afresh by allowing my life energy to pas on to someone who could utilise it better what to do", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 190, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0533", "text": "i m only and already have so many physical and mental health issue ptsd ocd autism adhd depression anxiety visual snow obesity fibromyalgia gender dysphoria im trans chronic fatigue binge eating disorder it s all so much not only all this but recently i ve been dealing with more health problem my heart been racing even when i m just laying down and it make me feel like i can t get enough breath in like i m constantly breathing but not fully or something i also have been having horrible cramp like pain and after getting a ultrasound apparently i have a bunch of cyst on my ovary but this apparently isn t the cause of my pain and that terrifies me they think it might be the testosterone and i m scared i ll have to stop taking it and they re not even sure that s what s causing the pain i ve been trying to cope by hanging out with friend and my boyfriend online and other stuff like that but it can t distract me enough from the physical issue so i ve been using weed and alcohol but i know i can t keep using these to cope forever i know it s likely i ll become an alcoholic and part of me doesn t even care a long a it distracts me from the pain enough i m trying to apply for government assistance for disability but it s a lot of work and i feel like it s pointless and they ll just reject me again i ve been in therapy for year take med and go to doctor a lot im still this way no matter how much help i get i m so tired i m so tired of the constant issue i cant keep doing this how long do i have to keep going thru this it feel like it ll never get better idk how much longer i can keep going when i have to deal with all of this it s so much", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 359, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0534", "text": "ok so this neusea thing ha slowly started to ruin my life i have just recently realised it might be anxiety it started when i wa about every time when i went to a sleepover close to the bedtime i started feeling sick cant remember more since it wa so long timeago it still continues today year later i can not stay the night at anyone el place or have anyone stay over at mine when the night fall and we are supposed to be relaxing i start shaking dont want to be touched or spoken to i feel like i could throw up anytime i feel my muscle tensing up when i notice it i breathe out and i feel relaxed for few second until i remember the other person presense and i start shaking again playing videogames or going outside help a bit now i have a boyfriend and he would really wan na spend the night together but i just cant do it we tried i started feeling really sick and then he left and now i feel bad everytime i see him sometimes when ive been alone i wake up middle of the night feeling sick shaking everytime i try to continue sleeping i see flash of food and sometimes if my house smell like food a bit it get overwhelming i go to sit to my toilet for hour barely staying awake sipping water sometimes i throw up and it help sometimes i just end up sleeping while sitting it is terrible and i hate this so so much i dont wan na break up with my boyfriend because of this but he is gon na lose his patience soon p i think i have emetofobia aswell edit ive been officially diagnosed with depression amp anxiety and ive never told these symptom to my old psychologist i thought it wa dumb", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 328, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0535", "text": "im fucking drunk at 9am even if im fucking with my life still ahead of me i don t wan na do this anymore i dont even have a house anymore i have nobodt y fck i cant even type noboidy i just want to end thing but im too scared to even kill myself hpw do i do it without failing i often imagine others doing it for me can someone help me do it where can i go to do it i think it will irresponsib e for me to just jump into traffic a i don t want others to suffer i just want to go quietly are there any service like that my ocd keep me hanging i have a list i cant leave or ill go crazt im tired why is it so hard to log out of this life anybody wan na kill me no string attached or do you know anyone who could please make it stop i want to cease and disappear", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 182, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0536", "text": "hey guy i m and female and i ve been struggling with my mental health for the past year i ve had a lot of suicidal episode all of them were in my head so i never actively did anything except wishing to die but the wish of dying got bigger in the past month i just hate my life and i struggle so much it s just crazy i don t see any pleasure in living but my problem is that i feel like i m not 00 ly sure if i want this my reason of dying i might have ocd and this shit is just a living hell i keep ruminating so much and i just can t continue to live like that this sickness ha taken so much lifetime away from me i have horrible thought about the people i love the most and i m scared i might have harmed them in any way and i wouldn t be able to live with that i just hate life when you see me from the outside you ll think that i m a happy person but i m not i struggle with anxiety and panic so much they re part of my daily life i just have too many issue all of the pain will be over the problem is that my elder brother past away a month ago and my family wouldn t be able to handle two death child i told a close friend about my suicidal thought but i think that he didn t fully understand me he doesn t know that this is something that i m considering all the time about therapy i can t get any help bc of my parent so no matter what you ll say about therapy it won t be possible i just want everything to end i ve suffered enough i ve had enough of this life maybe i m being selfish but i ll have to do what s best for me in the last day i haven t been able to do anything good i mostly laid in my bed on the phone i just don t find any motivation in thing i eat very bad and then my stomach will hurt the next day my sleep schedule is fucked up too but it ha gotten better in the last day i feel so sick and when i m with my friend i play the girl who s always happy while i m not i just hate life i ve harmed myself a few time but it wa just biting myself i wanted to do more extreme thing but then i didn t bc i don t see how self harm could help me i d like to die a painless death or maybe commit suicide indirectly so that my family won t see that i killed myself", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 490, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0537", "text": "so i ve always feared going crazy a few day ago someone made fun of a stutter in front of me cause they didn t know i stuttered after that realized how easy it is for others to talk badly behind my back and wondered who can i really trust i realized a few day later anyone can be made fun of for many thing and i m no different rather if it s a stutter lisp religion sexuality appearance you can be made fun of it for all of that i stopped worry about it and later in the day someone commented on a post about it and said they became psychotic and paranoid thinking about people talking behind their back after they did that for a long period of time this freaked me out because this thought wasn t from ocd although later that first day i thought this i thought i feel crazy thinking this way it took 0 0 minute after reading that comment to not feel like i wa about to have a panic attack and ever since that happened yesterday i ve been extremely anxious i wa laying in bed and realized 99 of people won t make fun of me and the one that do i ll never be friend with and if i am they ll show themselves with time but i wa laying in bed and it feel like a weight wa lifted off of me i realized it s best to take this stutter le serious i ve been letting it defy me instead of treating it like an aspect of me i wa thinking about it i stuttered during sex and literally started laughing because i found it funny and i remembered my cousin making fun of my stutter when i said pork i stuttered and she said ah yes i love pork pork pork i wa offended at the time but i find it funny now i m learning there s joke that devalue me and joke that are lightheaded and i m beginning to not be offended at the light hearted joke now that i see that difference i heard people before going insane end up really happy sometimes and i feel great now that i realized i m going to take it le serious and just joke about my stutter because it doesn t define me doe it sound like i m going insane or did i just figure out what i needed to do after becoming scared but turning that into a plus for me", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 444, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0538", "text": "i f have a lot of personal challenge including depression anxiety ptsd and idiopathic hypersomnia always tired no solution i have been dating my boyfriend m for almost year now and even though he ha no personal experience with mental illness he doe his best to be understanding and helpful when i m falling apart however lately i ve been feeling very insecure in our relationship because i feel like i don t do even half a much for him a he doe for me he doe a majority of the cooking cleaning and laundry especially lately since my mental health ha been declining in the last few month i know that it seems simple for me to contribute more to these thing but it s hard for me to bring myself to do these thing when all i want to do is sleep and distract myself from my depression i have talked to him about how i ve been feeling and apologized for not doing more and while he say he understands i m so scared that he ll leave me because i m a wreck i m trying to budget for therapy but it s looking like i probably can t afford it until may i just don t know what i can do to feel better and start pulling my weight", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 227, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0539", "text": "i have this constant thought hanging over my head that at all time somehow i m not using my time wisely regardless of what it is if i m taking a relaxing bath to calm my nerve i think about how i could be doing something even more fun or exciting and this task is not worth the time i m spending on it i often have morning where i find myself unable to fall back asleep even if i m awake way earlier than i need to be for work plan that day lamenting how i am or am not using that time to my best advantage it make it so hard to enjoy my day off or the time i don t spend occupied with something sometimes my day off are stressful the most at the very end when i reflect back on all the thing i didn t do but should have done even if that s total nonsense to a clearer headed me there s nothing i have to do on a day off i m sitting here right this second looking at the clock over and over thinking i wasted the last 0 minute watching youtube video when i could ve been playing video game but when i play video game instead i feel bad about not having watched a movie or new tv show instead it s so maddening ha anyone found a way to manage this constant sense of impatience", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 252, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0540", "text": "legitimate question i m not trying to be close minded or anything i got referred to a therapy clinic by a friend of mine and i have been doing weekly session for a month now i don t feel any better and to be honest i kind of dread my therapy session because they leave me feeling even more helpless and empty i think my therapist isn t the best phd student in training but i feel so bad saying that since i know she s there to help me people have told me to change therapist but jesus christ i can t bring myself to do it because i feel bad i put myself in her shoe i honestly don t know if i m being impatient about all this since i ve heard therapy take many session to help at all anyways i went to therapy because i wa fed up with life after dealing with anxiety and depression symptom for year and i wanted to take my friend s advice also my depression symptom have been worse even though my qol ha been better overall i let my therapist know that nothing triggered my depressive episode this time around and that my mind is just painfully empty feel like someone is constricting my brain and i feel lethargic all the time but all she doe is ask what do you mean by that sorry if i m writing too much in one post but i heard therapist aren t supposed to give advice so what exactly can she do for me she doe cbt sometimes like when i told her that everyone in the room judge me for the way i walk and talk to which she say who told you that are you sure you re not judging them first which doe make my question myself slightly but that s all nothing that i can actively implement to help me counter those thought but then again i have no idea what i m supposed to take from my session and would appreciate your guy feedback any experience you want to share amp x 00b edit sorry wanted to clear up that i haven t been formally diagnosed with anything so i m not 00 sure if i had a depressive episode i had to ask my therapist to refer me to a psychiatrist didn t seem like she wa going to since i wanted a proper assesment", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 424, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0541", "text": "hello my life is a rollycoster 0 year ago i married a wonderful man he wa everything to me im from spain and i met him in a navy base he wa a usmarine we had a baby girl in 00 and moved to camp pendleton i wa so happy in our house with our baby well one day told me that he wa going to irak so i wa so sad scared depressed and proud i spent all the time cry waiting for his letter and thanks god he came back home safe but he wa not mu husband anymore he wa a different man stress anger yelling all the time i spent 0 year trying to help him but even the cop came home and the cop told him that he had a wonderful wife and he wa going to lose me and that wa when my dad died i took my kid back to spain and a new life well year after that a met a man he wa olfer than me but i feel in love and now im stuck my now husband for year treat really bad my kid and me not phisically but mentally he is just i had a breast cancer year ago my exhusband wa there for me still have a good relation with him he is my best friend and now with depression sad anxiety and feel just love for my kid and i cant leave because it will look bad in my family and because finantially a cant go anywhere so i think i wont be happy and live this live well sorry i need to get this out of my heart i think with time i will be stronger because after the cancer treatment im just so tired depressed fatigue", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 319, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0542", "text": "in high school i wa quiet mind my business didn t talk to many people i noticed that certain people just didn t like me one time a teacher moved a girl to sit next to me and she made this weird face like annoyed and when she sat next to me she wa slightly turned ti the direction i wasn t in and not facing straight another occasion i wa sitting in a table with other people and none of them would bother to talk to me even when i tried to make a convo or ask a question and one of them actually cut hair now and my brother and dad cut their hair with her and they re always saying she talk a lot etc she s friendly today i went to that place to cut my hair and she wa completely quiet just asked me what hair type i wanted and the price of the cut i didn t want to start a convo cause i knew that back then she wouldn t even want to talk i just feel like i have something that just make people dislike me for no reason", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 197, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0543", "text": "please do not read if you re in a bad mental state currently is it painful to overdose and d e on medication can someone who ha experienced an 0verdose from a combination from the following list please explain the sequence of event adderall doxepin duexis ibuprofen famotidine pristiq abilify buspar alcohol and c0caine do any combination of these allow someone to d e in their sleep without feeling pain i know many prescription medication including some of the one previously listed are designed to make death from taking too many difficult i also know surviving an attempt can be very painful and lead to lasting negative health effect what do you do if someone is unresponsive locked in their room you d call 9 and they would be the one to break down the door and enter keeping you from seeing anything right lastly can a family cover up someone s su c de attempt and keep it a secret out of the medium can they just tell people it wa a drug 0verdose or is there no way to avoid everyone knowing what happened i m sorry for these asking these question", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 224, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0544", "text": "i m a 0 year old male lb lately i ve been having a dull ache that come and go in my chest the right and the left side but never at the same time aching pain in my arm especially around the wrist and knuckle that come and go almost always at night an occasional dropping feeling in my chest like my heart dropping and nerve tingle or zap kind of like an small electric shock at different spot all over my body sometimes it s my hand sometimes it s my neck or face the back of my head anywhere really it s almost always when i m trying to go to sleep at night i have an appointment with my primary care on april th and i m just trying to hold out until then went to the er a few week ago thinking i wa having a heart attack ekg came back normal and they diagnosed me with an anxiety attack and gave me hydroxyzine mg which helped at first but is now hit or miss and i m running out of it everyone at home including my dad who ha had many heart problem and know what it feel like say that it s just anxiety but i m honestly just so exhausted and on edge all the time even on the good day it s always there in the back of my mind that there s something wrong with me even though when i m at work listening to music singing basically exerting myself i don t feel these thing but when i lie down at night to go to sleep it s like everything just wake up and start fucking with me i dread going to bed every night ha anyone had any similar experience or symptom i just feel so alone in all this even though i know i can t be the only one thank you to anyone who actually read all this nonsense even though i don t know you i really appreciate it lt", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 353, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0545", "text": "my depression ha been at it worst this year after suffering some significant loss i m going to college in the fall and i want to look forward to it but i cant i chose a state school so i wouldnt have debt and figured i d find a way to pay for it easily all my plan fell through and i only have a couple thousand in scholarship nowhere near enough to cover it i missed so many deadline and screwed up so much because i have no one to help me in my life no reliable adult or friend one of my best friend wa awarded a full tuition scholarship and i want to be overjoyed for her but i just feel so horrible about myself i tried so hard in high school with my grade and music and it amounted to nothing thousand dollar in scholarship is all i have to show for it i cant get any help from fafsa and i have a job but working is horrible when i can barely get out of bed how do i keep going when i have no one to support me and nothing to keep going for", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 205, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0546", "text": "my clock ha stopped some time few year ago and never worked again i am literally living like a zombie without purpose without passion and definitely without hope i lost navigation in my life and grew indifferent to whatever happens around me i don t know why am i living till now or why should i be living in the future i started losing my ability to communicate with people my social insecurity are growing bigger and bigger sometimes i need someone to listen but i always fail to put my thought into word and end up being misunderstood my friend are awesome and understanding but it just feel terrible not being able to explain how empty shell i have become no one would believe it when you show compassion and humor all the day long right i have been suicidal for year but never had the courage to exit this life my silent life always tell me to keep it silent and never create drama out of it i am living in the shadow of this existence and i want to die in the shadow too i tried many thing to get myself out of the zombie mode i tried pushing myself into social activity i tried to exercise i traveled i met new people i tried to do what i used to enjoy i tried to experience new thing i tried to read i failed to do all because i couldn t keep my concentration enough and my thought always drifted away eventually all these attempt of escape drained my mind i am a master s degree student who should be working on thesis now but i always push the workload and procrastinate till the last moment before the deadline to be honest i don t know why i am even studying it is nothing more than another failed journey to find myself i feel that time space water food air and everything that my biological body consumes are wasted for keeping me alive while other people with actual dream and goal out there living in the most extreme hardship i am just jealous suicidewatch community what is worth living for will i ever be able to get through this", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 376, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0547", "text": "coming from an asian household i ve been told to become a doctor since the age of the constant pressure for good grade led me to repeat my senior year of highschool drop out of university graduate from a local college and then re enroll to another program then drop out since my parent hated the program i graduated from i want to thank them for the support they showed especially when they called me useless dumb an embarassment and how they would disown me now i m year old with a fairly decent working from home job that i may get fired from since i ve ignored my workload due to cycling back into a depressive state i now purely cope by playing video game and jerking off i live everyday day dreaming and at the same time regretting my wasted youth all the while my parent look at me with disdain and remind me whenever they can about how i ruined my life that s the end of my ted talk fuck my life man", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 183, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0548", "text": "i dont remember the first year of my life due to my father and his friend molesting me till mum finally managed to get away from him my earliest memory is drowning at the age of and having no one to care about me afterwards i wa just sent on my way at 0 i wa accused of beating my little brother when nobody wa looking mum refused to believe me even when he finally said it wa a kid at school that wa the first time i nearly killed myself life ha not gotten better my sister married another abuser my step dad lost the house and car and my mum is a neurotic mess who couldn t give a shit about me besides a her emergency atm i dont see why i should bother with life when this is all i have known it literally never get better i finally know how i will do it i have given myself week to see if i still want to do it and nothing ha changed my family probably wont know for a while nor care so this may be my only chance to say good bye life is just shit for some people i lost before i got a chance to start and i am fine with that now i suppose", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 226, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0549", "text": "i am still doing online class my college take me hour to reach and i feel comfortable without expending gasoline car stuff and heat i live in a place where is a dessert and one of my only type of interaction is social medium i use most instagram and reddit and just today a girl who i think is pretty and everything just told me thing about why am i like her photo and i wa like this is serious she wa mad about it she wa mad because i like her photo and profile i don t have friend i ve been mentally unstable for almost year i always wan na kill myself and i believe death is the true freedom and these kind of thing happening wtf doesn t help doesn t work i know i should just ignore her and understand my position and situation but wtf humanity she said to stop doing that to others and do something else and i wa girl these are the only place where i met and i can meet people why i d feel bad about it fuck", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 191, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0550", "text": "yeah once i m alone i get so so depressed i ve only been at home for a day because it s my off day and i m already feeling like shit like there s nothing to look forward to i would opt to go out but i don t have money for it to be a good day with friend i know that there are thing we can do that doesn t require money but food is a necessity and i can t really go out without spending on food i d go to a friend s house but i only have one friend who s house is always available but she life too far away it s really hard to realise that the only thing keeping me sane is distraction like work i try to be more involved with my family but they always make me feel like shit i try to reach out to my friend but they re always busy signing up for cool class like yoga or pottery or whatever would help me meet new people but it cost money and plus i work hr day a week it s hard to spare time and my adhd causing me time blindness doe not help at all like yeah i have free day but when you count in the hour i spend having executive dysfunction or procrastinating it s basically nothing i can t relax for shit when i m on my own it s hard to reach out to people when they don t take whatever i feel seriously i just wish they cared enough to reach out and be willing to spend some time with me even if we don t have money i hate being alone so much fyi i am on an internship and i m being paid 0 a month and my family is not financially stable", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 320, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0551", "text": "hello everyone i m male and don t really know how to ass my current situation i ll start from scratch my grandpa wa a bully and abused my mother when she wa a child he also did this with my sister when she wa about year old my brother wa also completely influenced by him and also abused my sister at the time he wa around 0 year old i saw that live once too at that age about year old i couldn t ass and classify the situation had suppressed that very well until my sister came to a clinic for depression around 0 and completely unpacked during the stay from that point on thing really went down hill for me all the picture from back then came up again my sister and my brother have spoken out and get along well again i smoked pot a lot back then because it always distracted me my mother had already attempted suicide twice i am always completely unmotivated and unhappy although unhappy is the wrong word i m just happy about almost nothing anymore i also think about suicide from time to time but i m probably just too tired and scared to go through with it i always like to be alone but with a girlfriend it s a bit difficult from time to time because we live together the few friend i have thank god understand me and don t push me into anything my girlfriend is also very unstable mentally but we both support each other very well gaming on the pc ha helped me a lot for year i have occasional nervous breakdown where i just start cry i ve always hated my job but that s probably just because i hate work in general i loathe people in general and i don t like big gathering either apart from my sibling and parent i have very little or no contact with other relative had adhd a a child and have been taking medikinet for month a i still have the diagnosis i wonder how others see it and whether i should seek external help i think i m doing just fine but i d be interested in an independent opinion pls be kind english is not my native language", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 395, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0552", "text": "symptom of panic disorder include http www nimh nih gov health publication panic disorder when fear overwhelms sudden and repeated panic attack an intense worry about when the next panic attack will happen fear of impending doom avoidance of place where panic attack have occurred before panic attack can come on suddenly at any time and often do not have an apparent cause there are many different symptom that can occur during a panic attack the symptom of a panic attack include http www nh uk mental health condition panic disorder chest pain http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition chest pain a racing heartbeat or both sweating http www healthgrades com right care skin hair and nail hyperhidrosis excessive sweating nausea http www healthgrades com right care digestive health nausea dizziness http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition dizziness or both feeling faint shortness of breath http www healthgrades com right care lung breathing and respiration shortness of breath with or without a sensation of choking trembling chill http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition chill or hot flash http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition hot flash numbness http www healthgrades com right care symptom and condition numbness dry mouth http www healthgrades com right care oral health dry mouth a feeling of dread feeling a though you are not connected to your body ringing in your ear not everyone will experience a panic attack in the same way most panic attack last – 0 minute though some can last up to an hour", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 287, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0553", "text": "my wife f wa doing great losing weight by walking and dieting but she expressed sn interest in working out in a gym so i bought her a gym membership for christmas a higher package that includes tanning and massage besides just the work out equipment she go night a week now after work i do kid duty in the evening after work and then just sit at home by myself if i ever try and make time for myself it is interrupted by work or home life i love my family to death would do anything for them but i have burning the candle at both end and never see any relief in sight it never stop someone always need something someone always want to bitch about something it just doesn t stop never i just want something for myself to go golfing uninterrupted to get a haircut without my phone buzzing my only release is yoga at night when the kid are in bed i know i should do it in the morning but i am just exhausted and can t i work 0 hour a week make sure all the bill are paid pick up the house every evening make dinner to time a week do homework with the kid every nigh do the dish do all the yard work and house upkeep i m just done i m spent and i feel like i can t take a second off or i will let someone down or be deemed selfish doe anyone else feel this way", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 265, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0554", "text": "dear who ever find this i m sorry so sorry i did try i know it wa never enough for anything but all i wanted wa to be okay i don t know how to be tho i m not enough and i will never be all i do is make trouble and upset people i m sorry i must of been a big burden on everyone i m deeply sorry for everything i ve done and now everything you have to do now i m gone i just don t know how to fix everything i m deep in this hole how am i meant to climb out when i ve never been taught too i m haunted by everything how am i meant to live my life when i m trapped in the past i just want to be normal and ok why doesn t anyone understand i suppose i haven t helped myself but it just suck suck i wa never worth enough to myself to help myself i honestly dont see myself going anywhere or doing anything worth while i m sorry i know this is so pathetic of me i just dont know what to do i want to live i want to see my sister grow up and my mum and dog i want to fall in love and draw and live on the beach with a balcony i just cant bear this anymore what am i meant to do i m so fucked i m scared and so unsure of everything i m so overwhelmed over everything i ve done this to myself i m so dumb no one can help me now i m sorry i tried in the end ok that count for something right i m just not a good person i realise that i never will be i love everything so much i wish they loved me aswell i tried everything to be happy but honestly they nothing left for me i could write more but what s the point i bet i won t even do it co i m a pussy i bet i ll just delete everything i don t want anyone seeing than clean and realise i m dumb and not kill myself i m a pathetic excuse for a daughter i m sorry all i do is sleep and dream all day this is no life for anymore i know compared to others i have a good life but that just make me feel even more pathetic for hating mine i love you lot goodnight", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 435, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0555", "text": "i commute to uni on tuesday and thursday i drive my car to the train station park my car and hop on the train i am a super safe yet nervous driver i never got into an accident before however i overestimated how much room i had and came in at the wrong angle i did solely paint damage to the parked vehicle next to me and a pit formed in my stomach i pulled into the spot and stayed in a crippling state of shock for 0 minute in my car i wa shaking so badly tear were coming out but i wasn t producing any sound i called the police for a non emergency and filed a report i also left an apology note with my information in it tucked tightly underneath the woman s windshield wiper i then called my insurance and waited for the owner of the vehicle to call me to make a claim report she did call me when she got into her car and i expressed how sorry i wa and how i am looking to pay for her damage she wa very understanding and kind and told me not to worry about it she wa so touched that i wa truthful and did all of those measure a a lot of people would have just hit and run without any remorse i am going to call my insurance guy tomorrow to see what we can do the paint damage can easily be buffed out and she provided me reassurance i am still in my bed sick to my stomach over this i am a broke college student who fret and who life off of my saving from summer job my course load is heavy this year so i really can not work how do i calm the hell down ha anybody ever accidentally hit someone before how did it turn out for you tldr did paint damage to a parked car this morning in my train station s parking lot attempting to catch the train to go to uni this morning left me so disgusted that i needed to stay home and miss school i just hate that i unintentionally and accidentally inflicted this on someone my car ha paint that can be buffed out too i really don t care about my car at this point", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 405, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0556", "text": "it seems there is no more joy in this world the world ha literally gone to shit it s scary and truly saddening people fighting for climate change having protest a if that s gon na change a goddam thing everyone is diagnosed with some type of mental illness even if they re not they tell you they suffer from some type of anxiety and depression there s 0 originality these day i don t even remember 0 when i look outside everything appears in a darker shade everyone is trying to bring back old trend specifically the early 000s and reselling clothes item from that era at an insane price which piss me off everyone feel nostalgic bringing up memory from the past anytime before 0 0 more than ever these day which make me even more sick because we can t relive those year nothing to ever look forward to no good music no nothing everyone piss me off there is truly no one like me and if there is well i m sure they live very far from where i m at earlier i wa thinking about vine and how that turned into musically and how that turned into tiktok which is just filled with such inappropriate vids i had to delete it because my fyp wa filled with people romanticizing eating disorder and people deliberately showing their fresh self harm cvts this generation is seriously mentally ill i m so exhausted from living all i fucking do is complain because there s too much shit to complain about this world just keep turning into a more dark and darker place and the fact that people are still having kid in a world like this even during the pandemic is just beyond me there s clearly no hope for any of u i can t keep living in a world like this and then the fact that i have to slave at work while my manager sleep downstairs or is sitting on his as getting paid minimum wage is just insane i don t understand how people have put up with this for so long every day i get closer to the day i planned to take my life and i don t even know how i feel about it and some day i feel nothing yea call me a coward but at least i ll be gone no more dealing with this stupid shit and stupid as new yorkers the most dumbest people i ve ever came across", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 441, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0557", "text": "while hungover and puking in the shower i would often congratulate myself for being witty at a party the previous night wasn t it so funny when i yelled who care about the planet anyway while i puked into the recycling people laughed for year before my first drink i hated myself for being socially inept i hate being shy when i drink i m not shy after eight year of heavy drinking i began to accept that what i wa feeling wa social anxiety and it wa not going away after another two year i began to accept that i had developed a new problem while trying to overcome anxiety another two year i finally quit drinking on my rd day sober i admitted to myself that i hate the person i am when i drink i ve spent 0 year hating the person i am when i m sober so where doe this leave me now day 0 of my sobriety wa friendsgiving sara made bourbon sweet potato that tasted too strongly of bourbon i always preferred rye whiskey i spent a lot of that night sucking a fruit flavored vape pen the vice i took up in lieu of drinking on our way home tolemy apologized for getting too drunk but i didn t mind he remembers better than i do all the time i got too drunk", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 248, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0558", "text": "i guess i just need to vent but i also feel really guilty about all this for context we re on vacation and today we went to find one of the stop which wa one of the national park on the way there i had a panic attack but i m not too sure why i think it s possible that it wa because my mom wa driving too fast but that seems dumb since i m used to it by now anyways my panic attack are basically just me cry and zoning out with quick breathing on the way to the park i had the panic attack and after we finished the tour i told my mom how embarrassed i felt about it and she said not to worry about it and that it s no big deal well a few hour later i got hungry and we went to get mcdonalds but i had another panic attack on the way back to the hotel this time my mom got really mad at me and said you know if you can t handle going on vacation and stress out this easily then you should just stay home i felt really bad about it but i didn t apologize because i just feel like she will get more angry now she s giving me the silent treatment and neither one of u even ate the food we bought i feel so awful because i feel like i had those two panic attack over something so stupid and ruined the vacation", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 263, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0559", "text": "so ive been masturbating for a few year and i started saving video photo to my phone so it easier to get to i always keep them in the hidden section of my phone last night i forgot to hide them and i woke up and found them in the recently deleted section and other app i think she went through the latest notification wa hour before i woke up so i wa certain my phone wa turned on the photo themselves were just photo and video of girl i thought were really attractive they were over and would use to get off to now since they are in the recently deleted tab notification were only hour old and i had notification from before hour ago but before i went to sleep i had apps open which i never use and my phone wasnt in the spot i last had it so the title say i think because im just hoping it wa me in my sleep and i wa really tired since some photo were perfectly fine and she hasnt said anything about it yet so incase she actually saw the photo video can someone give me some advice on thing like what to say do when or if she brings it up", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 217, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0560", "text": "i m so tired all the time in the physical mental and emotional sense all the time day go by doing nothing tired day of overexertion tired and sleep deprived the constant headache and facial pain doesn t help i feel like my tolerance to people is so low that i cry after i go outside my house or even more pathetically after when someone enters my room i don t know what s wrong with me nobody belief it you re so young how are you tired you need to toughen up the lab came back normal there s nothing wrong with you they don t know that every time i have to hold up this act the effect grows more and more devastating i don t blame them for it honestly i ve put up this act for such a long time that i don t think anybody really know who i am a a person i ve only allowed them to see the good side and whenever the bad side inevitably creep to the surface it inevitably end up being anticlimactically and severely misunderstood my mother try to string me along in vacation that end up draining me significantly and then she wonder why i sleep for hour every day a week after i ve given up the thing i like and i m passionate about because i feel too restless and tired to carry out anything towards a meaningful level jobless living with parent and on the cusp of a breakdown but nothing and no one that can help every night i hope i die in my sleep", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 282, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}
+{"id": "depression_train_pos_0561", "text": "i just want to either take all my pill or jump off a bridge and be done with it people i thought cared at me don t and the one person i know care about me and want to be my friend doesn t respect me a a person with feeling he hurt me he know how his new relationship ha affected me and now his won t stop behaving like a horny teenager in public a a man in his mid 0 i just want to be respected i looked up to him and it s all crumbling down in front of me i can t be friend with him anymore and i can t live with that i just want to be done with this pathetic life i just had to cut my parent off for the second time in undergrad and have nobody i m useless and behind on so much i have so many obligation but i can t find the strength to do any of them all my peer hate me for being upset how dare i be upset when i see the person i like make out with their significant other on the floor and won t keep their hand off each other and i can t do anything about it if i say anything i ll lose everyone i m trapped i fucking hate myself for getting close to him and wish he just left town when he graduated so i never got to know him at all", "label": 1, "domain": "social", "token_count": 256, "matched_pair_id": null, "split": "train"}