| --- |
| title: "House Oversight: Estate Documents (Nov 12) (HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018501)" |
| source: "House Oversight: Estate Documents (Nov 12)" |
| sourceUrl: "https://www.justice.gov/epstein" |
| date: "2026-01-01" |
| category: "House Oversight" |
| eftaNumber: "HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018501" |
| ocrPages: 1 |
| ocrChars: 3083 |
| ocrElapsed: 0.0 |
| parseTier: "external-legacy" |
| engine: "engine undisclosed (ep-nov-12.greg.technology mirror)" |
| externalSource: "greg-ep-nov-12" |
| externalLicense: "not granted" |
| externalCredit: "ep-nov-12.greg.technology" |
| externalUrl: "https://ep-nov-12.greg.technology" |
| --- |
| |
| either, because I didn't know how to describe exactly how. I thought I'd figure it out as |
| we went along, and then I would tell him exactly what it took. |
| Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. Months and years passed without replicating the |
| incident. Anxiety began seeping back. My Unified Orgasm Theory was not doing well. |
| My fear of being perceived as "demanding" during sex and relationships was at a |
| ridiculous extreme back then. For example, I'd heard over and over that boys don't like |
| girls who are "high-maintenance," so I told my boyfriends that I never wanted them to |
| buy me flowers. I thought that men would feel relieved that they didn't "have to cater to |
| me," but they were just puzzled. (One responded by buying me fake flowers.) |
| Because of the awful shaming stereotypes around cunnilingus, I sometimes refused that |
| too. I couldn't believe that the boyfriends who were willing to go down on me were |
| actually enthusiastic about it, enjoying it -- and when my anxiety became too painful, I |
| inevitably stopped them. I always stopped them long before I stopped enjoying the act, |
| because I was so scared that they hated it, and hated me for wanting it. I was scared that |
| they resented me more and more, the longer they did it and I didn't come. My fear crept |
| up my spine and twisted around my heart until I had to make them stop. |
| Sometimes I felt trapped between love and disgust, like with the boyfriend who |
| constantly complimented me on how great in bed I was, but who seemed unaware of how |
| much I felt missing. The worst was when he went off on a rhapsodic list of my wonderful |
| qualities ending with: " |
| ... and I don't even have to worry about giving you an orgasm!" |
| He didn't see the bind he was putting me in, the awful self-suppression and self-wounding |
| that he encouraged. He seemed unaware that I heard him telling me: "You're great in bed |
| because you are constantly disappearing your own needs, and never asking anything |
| complicated of me!" |
| In fairness, I wasn't giving him any guidance on how to do better with me. In fairness, I |
| had no idea what kind of guidance to give. |
| They had their own social programming, and I didn't communicate well. But sometimes I |
| still have trouble forgiving my early boyfriends. |
| *** |
| IV. The Fight |
| Not all my boyfriends were willing to do as little as going down on me. One, in |
| particular, resisted very strongly; never did it at all. This was an especial problem because |
| he was one of the men I've loved most in my life, and our relationship lasted for years. I |
| think well of him when I think of anything other than sex. But when I remember having |
| sex with him, I feel echoes of sick panic and heartbreak. |
| By the end, every time I slept with him I felt nothing but disgust. |
| He seemed to prove all my fears: that the men in my life would loathe and resent me if I |
| tried to discuss my confusion and desperation; that they would loathe and resent me if I |
| asked for help with my sexual needs. Towards the beginning of our relationship, I tried |
| asking him (very timidly) to go down on me, and he simply refused. In later |
| HOUSE_OVERSIGHT_018501 |
| |
